Conner's Ways To Drive Jim and Simon Crazy!
Patt
Conner: While riding a bus, what could we do to drive Jim and
Simon insane?
Joel: We could take large objects on the bus with us. You know
that would make both of them nuts, right?
Jim: What’s the big deal about large objects?
Simon: Yeah, what he asked.
Joel: Well, if you take large boxes and suitcases on, there's no room
for people.
Jim: I hate that.
Simon: So do I.
Joel: I knew you would.
Jim: Shove it, Joel, and I mean that in the kindest way.
Simon: Same here.
Joel: Back at both of you.
Brown: We could all stick our feet way out into the aisles while sitting
down. Then give each other extra points if we wear clown shoes.
Jim: Wait a minute, like anyone wears Clown shoes.
Simon: Exactly.
Brown: But we might consider it, if it involved making the two of you
nuts.
Jim: This wouldn’t make us nuts, it'd only make you all look foolish
and probably get you all arrested.
Simon: Exactly, again.
Blair: Oh! I have one. This would make both of them nuts.
Sing songs, and if that wasn’t bad enough, ask the other people to join in.
Jim: Chief, that’s not even fucking funny.
Simon: I think it sounds like a nightmare I had once starring Sandburg.
Jim: You have dreams about Sandburg?
Simon: No, Jim, I have nightmares. Big difference.
Jim: Okay.
Blair: Calm down, hot shot. No one’s going to win me over from
having a dream.
Rafe: I know one. Eat onions and garlic and talk to everyone
around you, especially Jim and Simon.
Jim: That’s fucking rude, Rafe.
Simon: Remember who’s the boss.
Rafe: It’s only a joke, Simon.
Simon: Well, if I ever smell onions and garlic while sitting on a bus,
I’ll know it’s not you, right?
Conner: Oh oh, I just thought of one. We could all sell things.
Anything. It could be some junk or something wonderful.
Jim: Conner, how's that going to make us nuts?
Simon: Jim, she’s talking about having people standing up in the bus,
blocking access to doorways for an entire ride.
Jim: Okay, I take it back, Conner. That’s insane and I'd be driven
nuts.
Simon: Boy, does she know you or what?
Jim: Simon, like you want people standing around you.
Simon: That’s true. Okay, we’d both be nuts.
Conner: You both are nuts, so it’s not a big stretch.
Jim: Fuck you, Conner.
Conner: I have plans already, thank you anyhow. Plus, I’m really
good friends with your boyfriend.
Rafe: His boyfriend. That’s too fucking cute.
Brown: Oh yeah, cute.
Simon: All of you shut up now.
Brown: Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they
try to get by. Man, couldn’t you just see Simon and Jim having a cow
right now?
Jim: Cow? Why would we have a cow? Where the fuck did that
saying come?
Simon: Jim, you’re having a cow right now.
Jim: See, this is what I mean. I might be a little testy, but
having a cow? That’s just past stupid.
Simon: You’re calling me stupid, Ellison?
Jim: Of course not, Simon.
Simon: What did you mean?
Jim: I mean the saying is stupid.
Simon: All right, I agree with you on that one.
Brown: I think you two are the only ones that understand anal talk.
Jim: Shove it, Brown. Do you understand that?
Simon: Yeah.
Brown: Good come back, Simon.
Conner: Oh my I just thought of one, Sandy. This would make our
dear Jim insane in moments. I could stand at one end of the bus and
yell to my friends at the other end.
Blair: Holy shit, he’d go for your throat.
Jim: Excuse me; I’m sitting here. I would not.
Simon: I’d go for her throat. I hate when people do that on a
bus.
Jim: Well, now that you mention it, I do, too.
Blair: The Anal Brothers. Take a bow, gentlemen.
Brown: Good one, Hairboy.
Rafe: We’re bowing to you, Hairboy.
Jim: Simon, make sure and put Sandburg on double shifts for a while.
Simon: Sure will.
Blair: Very funny, Jim. We all know who would be the one to suffer,
you slut.
Simon: Oh geeze, it was going so well. I was hoping we could
get through something just once without the mention of sex by anyone.
Leave it to Sandburg to say it first.
Blair: And leave it to Simon to say it second.
Simon: Shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: Yes, sir. But we weren’t the first ones to bring it up, sir.
Rafe: Man, we could make fun of people within hearing distance.
Jim: Rafe, that’s rude, even for you.
Rafe: That’s the whole point, Jim.
Simon: It is rude.
Rafe: Again, it’s the whole point, guys.
Blair: Couldn’t you just see the two of them getting all embarrassed
while the rest of us are laughing our asses off?
Jim: Couldn’t you just see someone doing that to you and seeing how
lousy you felt?
Blair: Man, you can’t stand to have a fun time. You have to be
that cold-water thrower.
Brown: We could ride the bus after leaving a bar. Be good and
drunk. What would you guys say to that?
Jim: You’re all nuts.
Joel: Would we get extra points if we threw up on someone’s shoes?
Brown: Oh, good one, Joel.
Simon: Joel, I’m disappointed in you. I can’t believe you’re
going along with this.
Joel: Simon, it’s for fun.
Simon: To you, maybe, it’s giving Jim and me a headache.
Blair: Anyone have any Tylenol?
Conner: Good one, Sandy.
Jim: Chief, I’m going to get back at you when we get home.
Blair: Oh I’m shaking in my shoes.
Joel: Here’s one that would make Simon and Jim nuts. Ask every
single person that comes onto the bus for directions.
Rafe: Good one, Joel.
Jim: If you need to know where something is, why would that be funny?
And why are you all laughing so hard?
Rafe: Because, Jim, we'd be asking the same damn question, over and
over again.
Simon: Why would you do that?
Joel: Simon, you have no sense of humor, do you?
Simon: Well, we’ll see when I write out the new schedule.
Blair: Ask every person where they are from. More than once.
Conner: Good one, Sandy. I love this little game.
Jim: Good, Conner, you can come and spend time with Sandburg when I
leave for a week or two.
Blair: Stop it, Jim. You know it’s all a joke.
Conner: It’s okay, Sandy. You can come and stay with me, don’t
worry about the grouch. We need to start calling he and Simon, Oscar.
They can take turns wearing green and hanging out by a trash can.
Rafe: God, Conner. You're doing well today.
Conner: Thanks, Rafe.
Joel: To go along with Blair’s ask people where they’re from.
We could ask people where they’re going. More than once.
Simon: Is it just me or these people are getting more weird by the
moment?
Jim: It’s not you. It’s them. They're weird.
Joel: Well, it would be funny. Couldn’t you just see it now?
Ask the person the question and then five minutes later ask them again.
I'd be howling.
Jim: Joel, I’m surprised at you.
Joel: That I know how to have a good time?
Simon: Remember who’s making out the schedule.
Conner: Simon is standing by the trash can, he’s Oscar today.
Blair: Good one, Conner.
Rafe: We could ask people around us the meaning of life.
Blair: Good one, Rafe.
Jim: Why do I feel like I’m on Family Feud?
Simon: I don’t get that one.
Jim: Haven’t you ever seen that show? They all give little pats
on the back of their friends and family members every time they give a good
answer. Kind of like, good one, Rafe.
Simon: Thankfully, I’ve been spared from seeing it.
Rafe: Oh, Jim liked it cuz he liked to watch Richard Dawson kissing
everyone. He kept hoping he’d kiss a guy.
Jim: Fuck you, Rafe.
Blair: Jim, why do you keep trying to pick other men up?
Jim: (whispering) You’re going to be so fucking sorry, Chief.
Better quit while you’re ahead.
Blair: Okay, this one's perfect. We could be sitting there on
the bus with Jim and Simon and start a friendly game of poker.
Jim: Wait a minute! That’s not a bad idea. It'd pass the
time.
Simon: Agreed.
Blair: Strip poker and we would all get thrown off the bus.
Jim: Chief, I can’t believe you’re putting this much thought into this.
Blair: It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it, Jim.
Conner: Sandy, this will go along with the poker. We could start
a game of tag. Strip tag would give us all extra points.
Joel: Hell, I don’t feel comfortable taking my clothes off in front
of strangers.
Conner: Joel, you shower in the locker room, don’t you? I think
you look damn good naked.
Rafe: Ewwww.
Joel: Yeah, but that’s the locker room.
Conner: But we’re all the same guys away from here as we are when we’re
here.
Jim: Jesus, doesn’t anyone else get dizzy when she talks? Simon,
does she not know that she’s a woman?
Simon: I do believe she thinks she’s one of the guys.
Jim: Conner, nothing against you, but I wouldn’t strip in front of
you.
Conner: You are anal.
Jim: So, let's hear from the peanut gallery. Anyone else want
to undress in front of Conner?
Blair: I have.
Jim: What? What the fuck are you talking about?
Blair: Well, when she’s in there, I treat her like one of the guys.
Jim: I don’t fucking believe this. Does anyone else?
Rafe: Yeah, we all do.
Conner: Jim and Simon are scared that I might giggle or something.
Simon: Fuck you, Conner.
Conner: Oh, sir, good come back.
Jim: I can’t believe you stripped in front of her.
Blair: Get a grip, Jim. She’s my co-worker.
Jim: Taggert, how do you feel about this?
Joel: Well, I’ve never been in there at the same time. So I don’t
know how I would feel. But we shower together at home, does that count?
Brown: It doesn’t bother me.
Conner: Thanks, guys.
Rafe: Hey we could start a game of twister. We’d have to make
up our own little plastic sheet, but wouldn’t that be a hoot? I could
see people’s faces now.
Jim: Rafe, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re insane.
Simon: I do believe you’ve lost it, young man.
Rafe: Geeze, Hairboy, they are anal.
Blair: Told ya.
Brown: Oh oh, Jim looks like he’s going to eat Sandburg for lunch.
Rafe: Ewwww.
Brown: Well, you know I didn’t mean it that way. Especially since
he’s all pissed off.
Jim: I’m not pissed off. I’m chosing to ignore him for the time
being.
Simon: Good one, Jim.
Brown: We could all take our cell phones out and call each other and
talk really loudly.
Rafe: Oh god, just thinking about it makes me laugh.
Jim: I think you’re all nuts.
Simon: I second that.
Blair: You have no sense of adventure.
Jim: Well, that’s not what you said last night, Chief.
Blair: Do you really want me to tell them what you’re talking about
Jim?
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Conner: Oh Sandy, you have to tell us now. What??
Blair: Nah, Jim might kick my ass.
Brown: He’d better not even think about kicking your ass.
Rafe: We’d kick his back, Hairboy.
Jim: Oh good, they’re all turning on us, Simon.
Simon: Hey, I’m with them. I wouldn’t let you hurt Sandburg.
Jim: Geeze, I can’t win. You bat those eyes and everyone follows.
It must be such a hardship.
Blair: It is Jim. It is.
Blair: If it’s raining take your wet umbrella and shake it all over
the folks in the seats.
Jim: Chief, I can’t believe you’re even saying this shit.
Blair: Get a grip, Jim. It’s fun. It’s called joking around.
Simon: Give it up, Ellison. You’re never going to win anything
with him.
Rafe: If it’s not raining still get on the bus with a soaking wet shirt,
take it off and wring the water out on the people.
Simon: I want you to know how disappointed I am in all of you.
Rafe: Oh boo fucking hoo.
Simon: Excuse me?
Rafe: What?
Simon: Did you just say, Boo Fucking Hoo?
Rafe: To who?
Simon: To anyone?
Rafe: Well... I know that I would never say it to you, sir.
Simon: I didn’t think so, so who were you saying it to?
Rafe: I’m confused now.
Jim: Rafe, give it up. He’s on to you.
Rafe: I was talking to Ellison.
Jim: Oh thanks. I wasn’t even whining, it was Simon.
Simon: Excuse me?
Blair: Simon, are you losing your hearing?
Simon: You know, Sandburg, I might change my mind and help Jim kick
your ass.
Blair: Jim doesn’t let anyone touch me. He likes to be the only
one kicking my ass.
Jim: Chief, tell them you’re kidding.
Blair: I’m kidding.
Jim: Chief, tell them that you mean it.
Blair: I mean it.
Jim: I fucking give up.
Simon: I told you, Ellison. You can’t win with him.
Conner: I think we could each do something really annoying and see
how long it took to get slapped.
Jim: Like this stuff you’ve been rattling off hasn’t been annoying?
Conner: Oh, way more annoying than that.
Rafe: Like what Conner?
Jim: Conner, please don’t give him any ideas.
Conner: I’ll tell you on the way home, Rafe.
Rafe: Sounds good to me.
Blair: Stop at a pet store, buy a snake and take it on the bus.
Simon: You're insane.
Jim: He is.
Blair: I think it would be a hoot. We wouldn’t have to worry
about where we’d be sitting. Everyone would clear out.
Simon: You’re nuts.
Jim: He is.
Blair: I think you guys are tired. You seem to be running out
of words.
Jim: Fuck you. Is that better.
Blair: Not today, Jimbo.
Conner: You call him that, too?
Blair: No, I just know how much he hates it.
Brown: Stop at the grocery store and make sure and have a couple of
dozen eggs. Once you safely on the bus, we could start to juggle.
Rafe: God, that’s a riot.
Blair: I can picture this one, Brown.
Conner: Actually, that sounds kind of fun. Couldn’t you see the
driver going nuts?
Jim: Well, then he would be juggling with the rest of you, because
you’re all nuts.
Simon: I think they’ve just went past the funny farm.
Blair: Where did we go then?
Simon: Shut up, Sandburg.
Jim: Simon, please don’t tell him to shut up.
Simon: Shut up, Jim.
Jim: Sure.
Joel: We could make nice with a mother and baby and ask to hold the
baby. Then once we get them in our arms, we pretend to drop them.
Conner: Oh Joel, you're too much.
Jim: Too much what?
Simon: Too much sniffing of paint? What?
Joel: Hey, I wouldn’t actually do it. This is just fun to visualize.
Jim: You want to think about dropping a child?
Blair: Jim, give it a rest. Have fun. Go with it.
See where it takes you.
Jim: I’ve seen where you all went and I don’t like it.
Conner: We could start like a radio talk show thing. We could
tell each other our problems and ask others what theirs are.
Blair: Now that would be interesting.
Simon: God, this is too frigging weird.
Jim: I have to live with him.
Simon: I’m talking about this whole idea of what you’d do on a bus.
Rafe: Okay, see if you can top this one, Hairboy. Start line
dancing and we provide all the music ourselves.
Blair: Shit, that is a good one. I could see them leaving in
droves now.
Jim: God, it’s getting worse, Simon.
Simon: Tell me about it.
Joel: Actually, this one sounds fun, too.
Jim: Joel, I think you need to get out a lot more.
Conner: He gets out plenty; don’t you honey bear?
Joel: Yes, sugar, I get out plenty. Although I prefer to stay
in.
Simon: Oh god, not the het jokes.
Jim: I hate them.
Simon: You hate het jokes?
Jim: Yes, I do.
Blair: Jim, you should probably shut up now. That sounded really
dumb.
Jim: I mean, I hate all sexual jokes.
Simon: Okay, that I can live with.
Blair: God, he can suck ass like no other. And you just did a
good job here, too, Jim.
Rafe: Ewwww.
Brown: I knew it was coming.
Blair: Not yet, Brown, not yet.
Jim: Shut up, Blair.
Blair: K.
Rafe: How about taking a nap on the shoulder of the person next to
you and drool on purpose?
Brown: Geeze, Rafe, you could write a book on terrible things to do
while on a bus.
Rafe: Hell, I think we all should.
Jim: I think you should all be put away.
Simon: I second that. I might have you all brought before a shrink
to see if you’re fit to serve for the force.
Blair: You’re just jealous.
Jim: Oh yeah, we’re so jealous of you nut jobs.
Simon: Yeah, me, too, Ellison.
Conner: Oh god, here's one that has a little to do with yours, Rafe.
Instead of falling asleep, pretend to cry and blow your nose on their shoulder.
Well, don’t really do it. Just make the sound.
Jim: Simon, do you believe how much thought they’re putting into this?
Simon: It’s frightening.
Blair: Well, I think it would be hilarious but they might smack us.
This might belong up with that one about make the person slap you.
Jim: Chief, I have to say if anyone slapped you, I’d kick their ass.
Blair: God, even when he thinks I’m nuts he sticks up for me.
God, is he a great guy or what?
Rafe: He’s a wuss puss.
Simon: Rafe, please don’t start on that.
Blair: But he’s my wuss puss and I love him.
Conner: Sandy, that's so damn cute.
Joel: Well, I wouldn’t mind being your wuss puss, Meg.
Conner: God, what've we done to deserve them?
Jim: I’m wondering the very same thing.
Simon: I’m thinking of slugging you, Ellison.
Jim: Why?
Simon: You’re giving us all bad names.
Jim: Not Joel.
Simon: It’s too late for him. You’ve ruined him.
Blair: Start up a deep philosophical conversation with someone about
belly button lint. See where it takes you.
Conner: God, that’s hysterical.
Simon: I think I’m sick.
Jim: I’m past sick, Simon.
Rafe: I’ve had one of those conversations before and sometimes they’re
pretty funny.
Blair: I know, I think so, too.
Jim: God, stop. Please.
Blair: What?
Jim: You’re all driving us nuts.
Conner: Jump up and down muttering, “Gotta go, gotta go,” then frown
and say, “oops.”
Joel: Meg, promise you won’t do that.
Conner: God, would that be a kick or what?
Jim: Want a kick? I could help you.
Joel: Jim, you even look like you’re going to hit her and I’ll kick
your ass.
Blair: Whoa. The Alpha males are going to have a fight.
Jim: Shut the fuck up, Sandburg. Joel, I didn’t mean I would
actually hit her.
Rafe: Wow, did you see that? Ellison backed down from Joel.
Conner: Well, he knows that my man would kick his ass. He shouldn’t
have to 'cuz I'd take care of Ellison myself.
Joel: Meg, I'd want to handle it.
Conner: Well, that’s tough. I can handle my own battles.
Rafe: Oh, their first fight.
Simon: What is it about us? We seem to bring the worst out in each
other.
Blair: Well, Jim, if you want to defend my honor, that’s fine.
Jim: Chief, this isn’t about you?
Blair: What a grouch. Okay, Conner, he’s Oscar now, and he’s
not even near the trash can.
Conner: Good one, Sandy. Joel, I’m sorry. We’ll discuss this
later.
Joel: Okay.
Rafe: How about this one. God, I’m cracking myself up.
Jim: I can hardly wait to hear this one.
Rafe: Oh shut up, Ellison. What if we all wear Burger King crowns
and tell everyone that they have to bow before royalty.
Conner: Oh shit! That is good, Rafe.
Joel: That’s a good one.
Jim: What’s good about it? It’s nuts.
Simon: Jesus, is it time for us to go home yet?
Blair: I could just see the people running for the doors to get out.
Jim: I could see the guys in the white coats coming onto the bus and
taking you all away.
Simon: I could see me calling them.
Jim: I’d hand you my phone, sir.
Rafe: We could take turns using good pickup lines on the bus driver,
even if it’s a guy.
Blair: Oh man, I could see him hitting parked cars now.
Jim: And this is funny, how?
Blair: Jim, we’re just kidding around.
Jim: That’s the point, Chief. It’s not funny.
Blair: Well, some of us are laughing.
Rafe: I’m laughing.
Brown: Same here.
Conner: I’m having a wonderful time.
Joel: I am, too.
Simon: Jim, why do you bother?
Rafe: When you get on the bus, use pennies and count them one by one
until you have the entire amount in the turnstile.
Brown: Oh good one, Rafe.
Jim: If I were the driver I’d toss your asses out on the street.
Simon: I would, too. They’re all nuts.
Brown: Oh god, I just thought of one that would be perfect.
Rafe: What?
Brown: Hijack the bus.
Rafe: Perfect.
Jim: Perfect? What? Are you guys insane? You’re police
officers.
Rafe: Jim, we know what we are.
Brown: Jim, it’s just a joke.
Jim: Simon, I need to get out of here, they’re driving me insane.
Simon: I’m there with you. God, they’re driving me to drink.
Conner: Okay, all, we’ve done our job. Time to go home.
Jim: What do you mean?
Blair: We all had bets on how many you could make it through before
losing it.
Jim: Did you win, Chief?
Blair: Yes, yes I did.
Jim: Then all right!
Simon: What are you insane, Ellison?
Jim: I must be, I live with this mad man. But I love him to death.
Conner: God, they’re too cute for words.
Joel: Come on, Meg. Let’s go home.
Conner: Night, guys.
Blair: Night, everyone.
Jim: Good riddance.
Blair: Jim?
Jim: Goodnight, everyone.
Rafe: Night, wuss puss, night, Hairboy.
Brown: Night, everyone.
Simon: Oh for Christ’s sake. Goodnight, John Boy. Now get
out of here all of you.
The end.
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