Conner’s Quiz 8
Patt
For Sue. She keeps asking for them. Blame her!
Welcome to Conner’s Pub!
Symptoms and cures while drinking beer.
What Do You Think Of This?
Conner: What do you think of this?
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Joel: That’s funny, Honey. Yes, I would ask someone to buy me
another beer. On the other hand, I would offer to buy someone else
one.
Conner: You best not be buying anyone but me a beer, Joel.
Joel: I meant the guys, Meg.
Simon: I'd probably buy someone else one. I get few bought for
me.
Jim: Same here, unless you include Sandburg.
Blair: Well, of course that includes me, silly. I buy for you
and then you give me something later.
Simon: For gods sake. We’re only on the first one, Sandburg.
Brown: I’ve never had a beer bought for me. Not by a man or a
woman.
Jim: Well, hell, I’ll buy you one the next time we go out.
Blair: We are out, Jim.
Jim: Oh yeah. I guess I don’t need any more beer.
Rafe: Man, I’ve had beers bought for me by both sexes.
Blair: Wait a minute. You’ve had men buy you beers?
Rafe: Yeah, why?
Blair: And you let them?
Rafe: Well, the bartender said it was rude to turn them down.
Jim: Rafe, don’t do that anymore.
Rafe: Why?
Jim: Because someone will think you want something more than a beer.
Rafe: Oh…
Jim: Yeah, oh…
Rafe: Gotcha. Thanks.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt's wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.
Joel: Hell, I’ve practiced a few things in the mirror in my day.
Simon: Shit, I do this all the time.
Jim: I’ve never done this.
Blair: Everyone raise their hands that are surprised at his answer.
Rafe: I’ve never done it, either, and I think the whole survey's dumb.
Blair: Again, anyone that’s surprised, please raise their hand.
Rafe: Ellison, why are they laughing at us?
Jim: I have no idea. Nevertheless, Sandburg's history.
Brown: I’ve done this before and had someone catch me while I was in
the bathroom and they laughed at me.
Conner: I’d laugh at you gents, too.
Joel: Even me?
Conner: Never you, Joel.
Jim: You're so taken Joel.
Joel: Yes, I am.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end is toward ceiling.
Joel: I’m afraid to say that I’ve done this a time or two.
Conner: Joel, I can see that you’re going to drink less while with
me.
Blair: Man, she’s already trying to change you.
Joel: That’s okay, Blair, I need some changing.
Jim: Rafe, why are you not making the gagging noises at them?
Rafe: Sorry, I forgot to do it. Gag… That better?
Jim: Much.
Brown: I’ve never done this, never been that far gone.
Jim: Me, either.
Blair: You’re such a liar.
Jim: What do you mean?
Blair: Jim, you did this a couple of times, man.
Jim: We’ll talk about it later.
Brown: Man, that’s Jim speak for don’t say it again.
Jim: Fuck you, Brown.
Brown: You’re so fickle, Ellison.
Rafe: Call him Elli and watch him lose his cool.
Blair: Fuck you, Rafe.
Simon: Better quit while ahead, Rafe. I think Sandburg could
take you in a fair fight.
Blair: Oh, that’s so grown up, Rafe, sticking your tongue out at me.
Jim: Blair, I can’t believe you did it back to him. You’ve just
sunk to his level.
Blair: But, Jim, think of the things I can do at this level.
Rafe: Ewwww.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog; complain about her
house training. Demand beer.
Joel: Never had this happen, thank god.
Jim: Me, either.
Rafe: Same here.
Simon: This is a stupid quiz, Conner. I’ve never had it happen.
Blair: Hell, if you’re that drunk, how do you know?
Jim: Chief, you’d know.
Blair: In that case, I guess I never have, either.
Brown: Nope. Me, either.
Conner: Wow! You all agreed. This is the first for
tonight. Want to all have a group hug, mates?
Jim: Nope.
Simon: Not even close.
Rafe: You two are so uptight.
Brown: Loosen up both of ya.
Jim: Do you believe they’re telling us to loosen up?
Blair: I can’t let this go by without saying…
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Conner: What? What did I miss?
Joel: Yeah, what did we miss?
Blair: Brown told Jim to loosen up…
Jim: Sandburg, shut the fuck up.
Blair: And I was thinking I’m the only one that’s going to loosen that
boy up.
Rafe: Ewwww.
Simon: God, Conner could we please move on?
Jim: Chief, I’m going to kick your sweet ass.
Blair: Do I look like I mind?
Conner: They're so cute.
Brown: You know; they really are.
Joel: Hey, I think that Meg and I are cute, too.
Jim: I think you’re past cute, Joel.
Joel: Thanks, Jim.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Blair: Hell, this happens all the time.
Jim: Not when I’m there.
Blair: You’re such a fud.
Jim: That’s not what you usually say.
Simon: Oh pray tell, what does he usually say?
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: He asked. I usually say things like come here big boy, make
me…
Jim: Shut up now, Sandburg.
Blair: Simon, he has no sense of adventure when you’re all around.
Simon: Thank god for that. (Snickering)
Brown: I’ve had this feeling while drinking.
Joel: I don’t usually get that drunk.
Conner: You don’t need to, Joel, you’re fun without the damn booze.
Simon: Oh god, we have four of them now.
Joel: Honey, we just compared to Jim and Blair.
Conner: How cool is that, sugar?
Rafe: All right, stop it; you’re making us sick.
Jim: Hey, I think they’re cute.
Rafe: You would, Ellison.
Jim: Fuck you, Rafe.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Joel: God, that's too funny. Meg, do you believe that one?
Conner: Yes, honey, I picked these out.
Jim: I’ve never been this drunk.
Blair: I have. But not since I’ve been with Jim. He keeps
me sober.
Brown: Why?
Blair: I don’t know. Maybe he wants sex from me or something.
Rafe: God, Brown, you’re dumb. You walked right into that one.
Brown: (Laughing) Well, there are worse things in life.
Simon: I have to admit, Sandburg, that was a snappy come back.
Blair: Simon, I’m so glad you approve. (Tongue firmly in cheek.)
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
Jim: God, this is just pitiful. If you’re this drunk, you need
to be taken home.
Blair: Jim, I’ve fallen many times and thought ‘help me, I’ve fallen
and I can’t get up’.
Simon: God, why does this not surprise me?
Jim: Chief, I can’t believe that you let yourself get in that position.
Someone could take advantage of you.
Blair: Jim, Duh.
Simon: I knew it was coming; I was just waiting for it.
Blair: Well, someone might be coming.
Jim: Shut up, Chief.
Joel: Is that big Jim Ellison, blushing?
Jim: Shut up, Joel.
Conner: You shut up. Don’t tell my honey bear to shut up.
Rafe: Oh god, I didn’t think this could get much worse. I was
wrong.
Brown: No shit!
Conner: What the fuck do you mean by that?
Joel: Meg, I don’t think that kind of language is necessary.
Conner: I bet to differ, Joel. I’ll say what I want, when I want.
Jim: Oh goody! Their first fight.
Blair: Jim, you’re just so damn happy it’s not us.
Jim: Damned straight.
Blair: Not lately, big boy.
Rafe: Oh god, it's coming from all sides now.
Brown: Hairboy, I bet you keep this big man hopping.
Jim: Shut up, Chief. I mean it.
Blair: I wasn’t going to say a word about how much you love to hop.
Jim: Shut up, now.
Simon: I think this would be a good time to move on.
Rafe: I think we need to bring dates, guys. It’s as simple as
that. I really feel left out. Not a soul to argue with.
Jim: I could fix that, Rafe.
Rafe: You mean you know someone I could date?
Jim: No, I mean, I could give you a good argument.
Rafe: Oh! Thanks.
Jim: No problem.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
Joel: Jesus, could that be any more gross?
Rafe: Well, if you have to ask.
Jim: Shut up, Rafe.
Blair: Shit, he’s getting good at the bi and gay humor. Way to
go, Rafe.
Jim: Sandburg, we’re talking about cig butts here.
Blair: Oh yeah, gross.
Jim: Yeah, what he just said.
Simon: God, that is gross.
Brown: I don’t even want to think about that.
Conner: Do you believe that none of us smoke?
Joel: Did you forget about Simon?
Conner: I did. Sorry. Other than Simon, the rest of us
are smart, right?
Jim: We sure are.
Simon: Excuse me, who was smoking after a certain race, right along
with me?
Jim: What can I say; you’re a very bad influence.
Simon: I’ll remember that the next time you all want a puff.
Blair: Gross, I’m still thinking about the question. YUCK!
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender
Joel: Heck! I think I’ve had this happen a couple of times.
Conner: I know I’ve had it happen more than a few times.
Jim: Why do you look so shocked, Joel?
Joel: Because I thought she was of better stock than that.
Conner: Excuse me?
Joel: That came out wrong, Meg.
Conner: It’ll be the only thing coming out.
Jim: Oh shit.
Blair: Boy, its fun when it’s not us, eh, big man?
Jim: Yes, it is.
Simon: I don’t think it’s fun for either.
Brown: Simon loosen up.
Rafe: Blair can show you how.
Simon: Rafe, you might think you’re in control here but you’re not.
I won’t think twice about knocking you for a loop as soon as we leave here.
Brown: Wow, now Simon's threatening Rafe. This is getting good.
This is even better than when it’s Jim and Blair.
Blair: Hey, Jim, isn’t it nice to have the pressure off us?
Jim: You betcha.
Blair: But, Simon, I can show you how to loosen up if you want me to.
Brown: Man, Jim’s pissed now. This is getting better and better.
Blair: What? What did I say?
Jim: You just offered to loosen up our boss.
Blair: Take a chill pill. I meant a neck rub or back rub something
like that.
Jim: Chief, one of these days, I’m not going to accept your excuses.
Blair: Oh fuck you, Jim.
Jim: Not tonight.
Blair: Well, fine by me!
Conner: Well, isn’t this fun, mates?
Joel: I do believe this might be a good time to take our leave.
Conner: Me, too, honey bear.
Joel: I love you, Meg.
Conner: Let’s get out of here and I’ll show you how much I love you
on the way home.
Brown: Why's everyone getting head but us?
Jim: I’m not.
Blair: That’s right, you’re not.
Rafe: But if you beg really well, I bet he’d let you give it to him.
Brown: (High five-ing) Good one, Rafe.
Jim: Fuck you, Brown.
Brown: Not tonight. Guess you’re just out of luck.
Jim: Night, everyone.
Brown: Hang on, Jim.
Blair: Simon, can I have a ride?
Simon: No, go make him beg like you want to, Sandburg. You know
he will.
Blair: He will, won’t he?
Simon: We all know it, kid.
Rafe: Night, Hairboy.
Blair: Night, Rafe.
Brown: Night, Hairboy.
Blair: Night, Henry.
Simon: Night, Sandburg.
Blair: Night, Simon.
Jim: Of for Christ’s sake, Sandburg, get your ass out here. You
know I’m going to apologize, do you want it or not? Night, John Boy.
Blair: Hold on, I’m coming. Or I will be shortly.
Rafe: Ewwww.
Simon: God, give me strength.
Brown: They're so fucking cute.
The end for now.
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