Conner's Quiz 5 - The Last Thing Any Man Or Woman Would Say
Patt
Notes: Blame Mary, she's offline for the time being and I'm insane without
her. Boo Hoo. Thanks to SusanDanette for giving me ideas. <g>
Blame her too. She keeps incouraging me. What could I do? I have
no self-control. Sob, sob, sob. That's me crying, not saying son-of-a-bitch.
<g>
Conner: I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother fucker.
Joel: Hey, I think Barry Manilow has a lovely voice.
Simon: Joel, I'm going to have you reprogrammed.
Joel: Doesn't anyone else like him?
Jim: Joel, Blair doesn't even like him.
Blair: Hey, what do you mean by that?
Jim: I mean, you'll listen to just about anything and you don't listen
to him, so that's bad.
Rafe: I don't mind him.
Joel: Oh god, I do need to be reprogrammed.
Rafe: Why are you insulting me, Joel? I'm agreeing with you.
Brown: Okay, I have to say that I think you're all nuts. Now
someone want to tell me who Barry Manilow is? Hey, Ellison, stop throwing
things at me.
Blair: Good one, Brown.
Conner: While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
Blair: Well, Jim says that to me all the time.
Jim: You say it to me, too.
Blair: I guess I do.
Rafe: Jesus, the wuss puss's are back in force and we just started.
Brown: Wait a minute. I don't understand why this would make
them wusses.
Rafe: Because if you're a real man, you'll get up and get your own
drink.
Simon: Now, Brian, did you read this in some Real Men book?
Rafe: Simon, laugh all you want, but it's true. Real men don't
ask another man if they'd like something while they're up.
Joel: Well, I ask this of anyone that comes into my home and I consider
myself a real man, Rafe.
Rafe: Well, I don't know how to tell you this but since you've been
hanging out with Blair and Jim, you've been acting less and less like a real
man.
Jim: Rafe, I can't believe you're saying that to Joel. Say
it to me if you want but not Joel.
Joel: Jim, don't worry about me. Real men can fight their own
battles. So we're all on our own.
Blair: Hey, I like that, Joel.
Simon: I'd ask someone if they wanted something while I was up.
Rafe: God, Simon, even you are turning into a wuss.
Simon: Do I have to remind you again who the boss is, Rafe?
Rafe: Simon, you can't keep threatening me with that. It's just
not right.
Simon: Well, real men can take it.
Jim: (high five-ing Simon) Good one, Simon.
Simon: I don't get paid those mediocre bucks for nothing.
Conner: I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Simon: All right, Conner, why in the hell would that be in the survey?
Conner: Simon, why not? The whole idea is things you wouldn't
say.
Blair: Well, some of us might thing they're sexy.
Simon: Conner, I'm going to make you pay for this, and pay for it
big time.
Conner: Simon, who would know that Blair would answer it with that?
Blair: Well, it's the truth. Haven't you ever seen a movie and
thought, god, that guy has a nice ass?
Joel: Not that I remember.
Brown: I'd remember. No, I've never said that or thought it.
Rafe: God, I can't believe we're only three questions into this and
already Blair's talking about Jim's ass.
Jim: I'll have you know he's not talking about mine.
Simon: Well, Ellison, you're taking that really well then.
Blair: Well, of course he is because…
Jim: Shut up, Blair.
Simon: Excuse me, Jim, but I think this is a free country. He's
allowed to talk if he wants to.
Jim: Not if he wants to go home with me, Simon.
Blair: Are you threatening me? Like you could withhold sex for any
length of time. He's a slut.
Jim: Blair, I'm warning you, shut up.
Rafe: So tell us, Hairboy, why wouldn't you have been talking about
Jim's ass before?
Blair: Cuz.
Jim: I swear, Sandburg, I'll stop talking to you.
Blair: Fine. I was kidding.
Rafe: Holy Shit. I bet Ellison shaves his ass all nice and smooth.
Is that it, Ellison?
Jim: Shut up, Rafe.
Brown: Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I shave mine.
Rafe: What the fuck are you talking about, Brown?
Brown: I don't know. What was the question?
Rafe: Why would you say you shaved your ass?
Brown: Because I do, what's wrong with that. Geeze, I thought
most men did. The hair gets in the way.
Blair: (Thud…) Well, Brown, you've gone and said something so easily
that Jim should've been able to say.
Brown: Jim, I think it's fine to do it.
Jim: Why are we discussing my and Brown's butt hair?
Blair: Because it's so fucking fascinating.
Jim: Well, why don't you tell them about your's then?
Blair: Fine! I shave mine, too.
Joel: Is it uncomfortable when it grows back in?
Simon: I can't believe we're discussing this crap.
Jim: Joel, I keep mine shaved so it never really grows back in, if
you get my drift.
Joel: And this is comfortable for you?
Brown: Hell, yes, I think it's one of the best things I ever did.
I wouldn't go without shaving now.
Rafe: God, you're all turning into wusses. I can't believe I
even listen to this shit.
Simon: Conner, could we move on before we're forced to hear anything
else personal about each other?
Conner: Her tits are just too big.
Joel: This is something I've never said or thought.
Conner: Well, that's the whole point, Joel. They say that men
wouldn't be caught saying it for anything because to you, tits are never too
big.
Simon: Conner, need I remind you that we shouldn't be talking about
this stuff?
Conner: It's part of the survey, sir.
Joel: Okay, then I have looked at a woman once and said she might
fall over if she doesn't get help standing up and it turned me off.
Rafe: God, you're an official wuss, Joel. I'll bring badges
and awards next week.
Joel: Well, I don't believe that women need huge breasts.
Jim: I don't believe it, either.
Blair: I used to like them. Oh hell, who am I kidding?
I still wouldn't say it.
Jim: You're still looking.
Simon: Jim, stop right now. Blair can say something without
it being a personal attack on you. So, get a grip.
Jim: Fine.
Brown: I've never said it, never thought it and I believe that a woman's
breasts should not come into the matter of choosing if they're a good date
or not.
Joel: Good answer, Brown.
Rafe: You're all wusses.
Jim: So what's your answer, hot shot?
Rafe: The bigger the better. So, no, I wouldn't have said a
word.
Conner: You're such a creep, Rafe.
Simon: Okay, I see this going downhill, Conner. Could we move
now?
Conner: Sometimes I just want to be held.
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: I wasn't going to say a fucking word, big man.
Joel: Hell, I think and say this.
Rafe: Simon, you have to keep him away from them.
Jim: Rafe, you've never wanted to be held?
Rafe: I didn't say that.
Jim: You just did.
Rafe: I just wouldn't say it out loud.
Blair: Rafe, you're saying that you would love to be held but wouldn't
want to ask her to hold you?
Rafe: Yeah, that's it.
Jim: Man, that's sad.
Joel: That is sad.
Conner: I think the woman's lucky.
Rafe: Fuck you, Conner.
Simon: Okay... moving this along.
Jim: Wait, we didn't all answer.
Simon: Yes, I've felt this and asked it, too. And if you call
me a wuss, Rafe, I'm going to pop you one right in your mouth.
Rafe: Conner, when you started this, did you know that it was going
to be like a form of abuse for Simon to use against all of us?
Conner: Rafe, I think you're the wuss. The other guys are real
men; you're the fucking wuss.
Brown: Okay, my turn. I love to be held, Rafe. Does this
make me a wuss.
Rafe: Do you say, Sometimes I just want to be held?
Brown: No, they just hold me, I don't have to tell or ask.
Rafe: Then it's fine. You're not a wuss unless you bring it
up.
Simon: Rafe, I'm going to knock your block off in about ten seconds.
Jim: Simon, it's not worth it. I take it you've asked to be
held on occasion?
Simon: Well, hell, I thought we all did. I guess I was wrong.
Blair: Well, I think that if you're in tune with your partner, you
shouldn't have to ask or say. It should be second nature.
Conner: So, Sandy, you know when Jim needs to be held.
Blair: Yeah, Conner, I do.
Conner: That's so fucking great. I wish I had someone like that.
Joel: Me, too.
Simon: Me, three.
Brown: Actually, I have someone right now that does hold me rather
nicely.
Simon: Could we move on? I'm depressed.
Conner: That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
Jim: (choke…choke…choke…)
Blair: Jim, you okay?
Jim: Conner, where in the hell are you getting these questions?
Conner: From my teacher. He posts them daily and we get to take our
choices. Now anyone want to answer this one.
Jim: Jesus, I would die if I got a woody from her. Not that
she isn't a nice woman, I'm sure she is, but shit! She could be my
mom or my gramma.
Blair: Well, actually…
Rafe: Oh, give me a break.
Blair: Did you ever see her in movies when she was young? She
was gorgeous. She could give me a woody.
Conner: Now that's the nicest thing I've ever heard. She might
not do it now but you still remember how she looked. That's so sweet.
Brown: Then why's Ellison pissed off?
Jim: I'm not pissed off.
Blair: Jim, it was just an example.
Jim: I guess I didn't realize that you were still watching women.
Blair: Jim, we're talking about Angela L. here. Get a grip.
Jim: Forget it.
Conner: Jim, you have some major insecurity issues. You really
need some work on them.
Jim: Fuck you, Conner.
Conner: Whatever works, big man.
Blair: Whoa. Back up. He's my big man, not yours.
Joel: Now I think that's the first time I've ever seen Sandburg get
pissed off at Conner.
Conner: Sandy, I'm sorry. I was joking.
Jim: Chief, thanks.
Blair: For what?
Jim: For loving me.
Conner: Oh shit, this romance stuff's killing me.
Brown: You're too cute for words.
Rafe: No, there are words. They're called wuss pusses.
Jim: Shut up, Rafe, you're ruining the moment.
Simon: Could we move on while we're all still relatively young?
Conner: Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
Joel: Well, actually, I do say and think this. It's the age
of safety.
Jim: Yeah, been there, done that.
Joel: So you and Blair still practice safe sex?
Simon: Whoa. Whoa. Back this up. We're not going
to even go there. Do not, I repeat, do not answer that, Ellison.
Jim: Okay.
Joel: Tell me later on Jim, okay?
Jim: Sure.
Conner: Well, now we all want to know. Tell us, Sandy.
Blair: No, I think we really should move on to something else.
Rafe: Good thinking, Sandburg. For once, you answered like a real
man.
Blair: Rafe, if you don't stop making the real man jokes, I'm going
to real man something up your ass.
Rafe: Well, that's really a great thought, Sandburg. How would
Ellison feel about that, eh?
Jim: Blair, I'm going to have to kick his ass.
Blair: Jim, you won't have to, I'm going to do it for you. Rafe,
you're being an asshole.
Rafe: Sorry. Really, I am.
Jim: Yeah, right.
Rafe: I am.
Simon: Well, I just want to move on.
Jim: Well, we need to answer the question, sir.
Simon: Yes, I practice safe sex so I think and say it all the time.
Conner : I'm shocked that you all take it so seriously. Sandy, why
the odd look?
Blair: No reason. Just wondering what everyone thinks about
wearing gloves when you're with your mate, partner, wife or husband.
Conner: Well, I, for one, wouldn't want to have to use a condom with
him if we were monogamous.
Rafe: But how do you know that the person's monogamous?
Brown: That's what scares me.
Joel: It's all pretty scary these days. Well, Jim and Blair
are the only ones in a steady relationship. How do you two feel about
it.
Jim: I think you should be able to go bareback if you trust the person
enough.
Blair: And what if that person isn't always trustworthy?
Jim: Sandburg?
Blair: Shit, I don't mean us, big man. I'm talking about people
in general.
Jim: Why not scare the shit out of me.
Simon: But see, Jim, that's the whole point. What if Blair was
sleeping with someone else right now and you didn't know?
Jim: I'd know.
Simon: You're missing the point, Jim.
Jim: No, I'm not I trust Blair and he trusts me. Right,
Chief?
Blair: Right…
Jim: Wait a minute. You don't trust me?
Simon: Conner, could we please move on, I beg you. That's an
order, in fact.
Blair: We'll talk later on, Jim.
Jim: No, we'll talk now.
Simon: Jim, I think with us here it might not be the time and place.
Blair: Fine, I think that sometimes I don't trust you.
Jim: What the fuck are you talking about?
Blair: Sometimes I watch you while you're watching old dates and you
have a look of loss on your face. So, I guess I've always believed that
you might have to go elsewhere to make you happy all the time.
Jim: I don't fucking believe you thought that. Chief, I've been
with no one but you since we've been together. How long have you felt
this way?
Blair: Since the start. Sorry, Jim.
Simon: This is why you should have been more careful, Blair.
If you believed he was sleeping with someone else, shouldn't you have taken
more precautions?
Blair: I guess so. Jim, I'm really sorry.
Jim: We'll talk about it later on.
Simon: Conner, could we move on NOW?
Conner: Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Aly McBeal.
Joel: Man, I don't see me saying this.
Jim: I'd never say this.
Blair: Jim, we like Aly Mcbeal.
Jim: But they didn't know that, Blair.
Blair: Oops, sorry.
Simon: I like the show. That black woman DA's hot.
Joel: I like that show, too.
Brown: I like all the music. It's usually pretty good.
Simon: I agree. It almost makes me want to jump up and dance
sometimes.
Rafe: I swear, you're all weird. I hate that show. It
reminds me of lawyers coming from that old show 30 Something. Bunch
of whiners.
Jim: Rafe, is there anything you do like?
Rafe: Yeah, I love Monday night football. Don't you?
Jim: Yeah, but I like other things, too.
Blair: Rafe, have you ever seen Aly Mcbeal?
Rafe: No, why should I? I watch football.
Simon: Well, what do you watch when the season ends?
Rafe: HBO
Simon: Give Aly a try, you might like it.
Brown: There are some hot women on it, Bri.
Rafe: Oh, like that Aly chic who looks like she's been starved to
death.
Blair: Now on that we will, no doubt, agree. God, she looks
bad. Sickly thin. I hate that in a woman.
Jim: Chief, why would you like anything in a woman, now?
Blair: Jim, I'm not dead.
Jim: So you're still looking.
Blair: Looking's one thing. Wanting's another. I only
want one person and I have him.
Jim: God, you kiss ass with the best of them, Sandburg.
Simon: Conner, please tell me we're done.
Conner: Almost, sir.
Conner: I think we're lost. We better pull over and ask
directions.
Joel: Well, I, for one, would pull over and ask for directions if I was
really lost. Wouldn't any of you?
Jim: Nope, I'd sooner die.
Blair: You're so full of shit. He pulls over and has me jump
out and get the directions. Mr. Macho doesn't like to be lost, either.
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: You shut up, Ellison.
Simon: Well, it wouldn't bother me to ask for help.
Rafe: God, don't you guys know how to read maps?
Brown: Well, if we knew how to read a map and were still lost, we'd
be doing it wrong. Don't you think?
Rafe: God, I'm surrounded by losers.
Blair: Fuck you, Rafe.
Rafe: Not even on your best day.
Jim: Why would he bother?
Blair: Good one, Jim.
Simon: Are we about done here, Conner?
Conner: Well, there's one small part left. It's about women.
I'm going to answer the questions and you're going to tell me if you agree
with me or not. What do you think?
Simon: Fine, but could we hurry it up? I'm bored. I want
to go home.
Blair: Hey, you're the one that said we should stand behind her trying
to better her education.
Conner: Thank you, Sandy.
Blair: You're welcome, Conner.
Conner: Jim, would you read these questions for me? And then
you guys can tell me if I'm right or not.
Jim: Sure. Hand them here.
THE LAST THING ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
Jim: Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just
being friends.
Conner: I could and do say this all the time. I like sex.
Joel: Conner, did you ask me a few nights ago for my phone number.
Conner: Cute, Joel.
Simon: This isn't true. Conner, if we said that to you, you'd
be pissed off.
Conner: The question was to me. Would I say it? I would.
Rafe: I, for one, find it refreshing that you feel this way.
Want to go for coffee after this?
Conner: Not if my life depended on it.
Brown: I think it's great that you're that open that you could say
or think this.
Jim: Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche
that way.
(choke…choke…choke…)
Conner: Settle down Ellison, it's just a survey. I'd never say
this.
Blair: I'd like to say something but won't.
Jim: Good.
Rafe: Why do women do that anyhow?
Blair: Because I knew that Rafe would ask it.
Conner: Why are you asking me. They're dangerous. I only
do healthy things. That's not.
Brown: I'm not saying a word.
Joel: I'm not, either.
Simon: God, it can't get much worse than this, right?
Jim: (giggling) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Conner: (giggling) Yeah, I might say it. Depends on the butt
in question.
Joel: Okay, that's all there is to it, I'm asking you out when I get
home.
Conner: Very funny, Joel.
Blair: Somehow, I could see you saying this.
Conner: And this is meant as a compliment, right?
Blair: Of course it was.
Simon: I think it's a weird question. I thought it was on the
men's questions. I think it's even weirder on the women's.
Brown: I like seeing a woman who takes what she wants, says what she
wants and does what she wants.
Rafe: You like sluts.
Conner: You calling me a slut?
Rafe: Oh no, I didn't mean you. I meant, what Henry was describing.
Blair: Well, that sounds like a lot of people and they aren't sluts.
Oh... wait a minute. Yes, he is. Sorry. Can't stick up for
either of you.
Jim: Very funny, Chief.
Simon: Next.
Jim: Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Conner: Nope, I would never say this.
Blair: Oh come on, Conner. Where's your sense of adventure?
Brown: Yeah, come on, Conner.
Conner: Fine, I'll say it the next time I go on a date and see what
happens.
Joel: I wouldn't advise that, Conner.
Conner: I was joking, Joel.
Joel: Good.
Simon: I'm not even sure what it means. I want to just move
on.
Rafe: Wait, I didn't answer.
Simon: And we care, because?
Jim: Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in
the armpit are just too cute.
Conner: (giggling) No, I can't see myself saying that.
Jim: Me, either.
Blair: Jim, you're supposed to be asking not answering.
Jim: I can do both.
Rafe: I think this one's stupid.
Conner: This question? Or this whole survey?
Rafe: This whole part since Ellison's been reading the questions.
They're wuss questions. You should just have he and Sandburg answer
them.
Simon: Rafe, I don't know how to tell you this but you're on the verge
of pissing me off.
Rafe: Why?
Simon: Why? Why? God, he's stupid on top of everything else.
Rafe: It's not like I don't like Ellison and Sandburg. I do.
I just think it sucks that they sleep together.
Blair: Funny you should mention sucking.
Rafe: See what I mean, Simon? This is what I mean.
Simon: What? They do. It's part of life, Rafe. Get over
it.
Rafe: What if I can't.
Jim: Maybe we won't be friends anymore.
Rafe: I'll try.
Jim: This diamond's way too big.
Conner: I can tell you right now that I'm not into big diamonds.
I'm not a size queen.
Joel: Geeze, she's sounding better and better, isn't she, Simon?
Simon: Better for what?
Joel: For a date, want to go out, Conner?
Rafe: Jesus, don't tell me you have a thing about not being big enough,
Joel.
Joel: What are you talking about? I'm talking about the diamond
ring.
Rafe: Oh. Sorry, Joel.
Simon: I really didn't think this stupid thing could get any more
off course but you just showed me how wrong I was.
Brown: Simon, I agree with you. I'm totally confused.
Conner: Jim, could we please move on?
Jim: (giggling) I won't put my lips on that thing unless I get
to swallow.
Conner: Oy. I don't think you're going to hear that from me.
What do you think, Jim?
Jim: Hey, don't pull me into this one.
Blair: I'd say it.
Jim: Blair, you do say it.
Blair: Oh yeah. I do. Hee hee.
Rafe: Okay, now tell me, Simon, that this didn't bother you.
Simon: Well, I don't want to hear about anyone's sex life. Not
just theirs.
Joel: It doesn't bother me in the least.
Brown: Me, either. It used to but I got used to it. Rafe,
you act like you have a stick stuck up your ass sometimes. You're so
rigid.
Rafe: I swear to god, Henry, you're starting to sound like them.
Simon: Jim, could we move on now?
Jim: (On the floor howling) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Conner: No, I've never said this.
Rafe: What? You think you'll never come in contact with someone
that large?
Conner: Honestly? No. I wouldn't want to. They'd have
to take a trip to a farm.
Jim: (Snort…snort…) Jesus, Conner, warn a person before they take
a drink.
Blair: Hey, Jim says this all the time.
Jim: Yeah, but I'm talking about your height, hot shot.
Blair: Oh man, that was so funny I forgot to laugh.
Simon: Do you suppose there really are a lot of guys out there with
14 inch dicks? I mean, that's just disgusting.
Jim: Yeah, I think so, too. If there really was someone like
this, we should at least be the ones. Right, guys?
Joel: Well, it's not like we measure each other, right?
Jim: Shit, Joel are you saying you have 14 inches?
Joel: No, I never said that.
Conner: Guys, this is my part. You're supposed to just see if
I answer right. I don't think you all care about who has a 14 inch dick,
do you?
Blair: We might. Depends on who it belongs to.
Rafe: What do you think we should do, measure each other in the locker
room tomorrow?
Conner: Guys, I think that we should move on.
Simon: Rafe, you think you'll have something we haven't seen? I've
seen you in the locker room. You're no bigger or smaller than the rest
of us.
Blair: Rafe, do you think if your dick was larger, you'd be a bigger
man? Oh shit, I guess you would be. (rolling on the floor laughing
at his own joke.)
Rafe: Okay, I'm sorry. I got carried away. Shit, I hate
these surveys.
Jim: (Rolling eyes back into his head) I'm wrong, you must be
right again.
Conner: Nope can't hear myself saying this ever.
Simon: Good! We agree on this one, Conner.
Rafe: I do, too.
Blair: Conner, you'd admit if you were wrong.
Conner: Maybe to you, Sandy. But not many others.
Jim: I believe you'd rather die than say it.
Conner: You're asking the questions. Who wants your opinion?
Blair: I might. I like his opinion.
Joel: Admitting your wrong's hard. I know.
Brown: I would admit if I was wrong.
Rafe: Oh god, you've been hanging with Ellison way too much.
He admits he's wrong all the time.
Jim: Only if I was really wrong. What's wrong with that?
Rafe: Nothing, Jim. You just keep believing you're a real man.
Blair: Shut the fuck up, Rafe. I'm going to show you real man
while I kick your ass.
Rafe: Jim, is he always this fucking cute?
Simon: All right, sit back down, right now, Jim. Let's move
on.
Jim: (snickering) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather
just watch TV.
Conner: Yeah, actually, I have said this when I wanted to watch a
special show or game on the telly.
Blair: I've said this many times.
Rafe: I bet.
Jim: Stop it now, Rafe.
Simon: Hell, I don't even want to discuss these anymore.
Joel: I've said and done this many times.
Conner: Excuse me, guys, this is about me. Not you.
Rafe: Oh yeah, Miss Priss wants this to be about her.
Conner: Rafe, I'm going to kick your fucking ass. I'll show
you Miss Priss.
Jim: Conner, at least he's not calling you wuss puss.
Conner: Jim, Miss Priss is the same thing.
Jim: Really? Then I just might help you kick his ass.
Simon: No one's kicking anyone's ass. Stop now.
Brown: I'm getting a stomach ache from you all arguing.
Conner: We'll try and do better, Brown. Poor guy. (Hugs
Brown and smiles at him.)
Jim: Well, we're done for tonight. Wasn't that just too much
fun?
Conner: Jim, you did a really good job. I might have you help
me again on the next one.
Jim: Okay. Night, everyone.
Brown: See you all in the morning.
Rafe: Brown, you wanna go eat something?
Brown: No, I need to go home.
Rafe: Are you okay?
Brown: I'm not comfortable with you all fighting all the time.
Blair: Night, everyone. Brown, try not to take it to heart,
okay? If you need me, you know what my number is.
Simon: Go home, everyone.
Conner: Night, guys, thanks.
Joel: Rafe, I'll go to dinner with you and then we can talk about
manners.
Rafe: Nah, I'm not hungry anymore.
Simon: Geeze, it's like being around fucking kids all night long.
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