Conner's List: Why It's Great To Be A Woman
Patt
Conner: We got off the Titanic first.
Jim: Yeah, what's up with equal rights? Where were the men's
equal rights?
Simon: I couldn't agree with you more, Ellison.
Blair: Well, now, wait a minute, fella's. Back then, they always
let the woman and children go first. Now a days, it would be a different
story. I think they'd have everyone go down together. Hee Hee.
Simon: Very funny, Sandburg.
Rafe: Well, I think that Sandburg's right, Simon.
Brown: Man, why are you always kissing his ass?
Rafe: Kissing whose ass? * Jesus, Ellison's going to kick my ass.
*
Brown: I was kidding, Rafe. Don't panic.
Jim: Let's stick with the comments about what Conner's saying.
Joel: I think that women and children should go first.
Conner: It would be good to limit the comments. We're getting
way off base. So, how do you all feel about who would go first in an
emergency?
Jim: Well, I think that we should make you go last, Conner.
Blair: Jim, that wasn't nice. She could go the same time as us.
Simon: I think it shouldn't matter unless you're in a wheelchair or
pulling oxygen.
Rafe: Hell, if you're pulling around oxygen, you might not want to
make it anyhow. I'd choose to stay.
Brown: Only you would think that, Brian.
Conner: So, do you feel as if women would be given the first choice
at leaving or not?
Simon: Yup.
Jim: You betcha. Or we'd never hear the end of it.
Rafe: I want to sleep with someone again, so yes.
Brown: How did that come around to sleeping with someone?
Rafe: Well, if I made Conner wait until last, she'd tell someone else
and word would get around. Next thing I'd know, I'd be celibate.
Blair: You know, I think everyone should draw straws but I'd want my
mom to go before me.
Brown: Yeah, women would go first. It's a rule. My mom's
a woman. I'd want her to go first.
Conner: So you wouldn't want to let me go first, huh?
Joel: I'd let you go first, Conner.
Conner: Thanks, Joel. You're always such a gentleman.
Jim: Is she Blair or Henry's Mom? Then I don't think so. And
Conner, Joel's just sucking up.
Simon: Conner, that's enough of this one. I'm bored. Give
us the next one.
Conner: We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
Simon: Are you saying that these excuses aren't always true?
Jim: Simon, please tell me you don't believe them all.
Blair: Why should you question anything? I mean, why would they
lie about that?
Jim: He's so naïve.
Brown: I don't even want to discuss this one.
Joel: Me, either.
Rafe: Conner, you telling us that you lie about this stuff?
Conner: No, I never lie about this stuff. If I say I'm PMS'ing,
I am.
Conner: Taxis stop for us.
Blair: Hey, I've had taxi's stop for me.
Jim: That's because with all of that hair, they think you're a woman.
Brown: So you're saying that if you're a woman, the damn cab drivers
stop? Fuck… That's bullshit.
Rafe: Where've you been, Henry?
Brown: Standing in the rain waiting for fucking cabs, I guess.
Joel: I've waited and watched cabs pick up women first.
Simon: Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I was waiting for a cab
yesterday and I got picked up right off.
Jim: Was it that Rodriguez guy? The one that works around the station
all the time?
Simon: Yeah, how did you know that?
Blair: Because he likes you, Simon.
Simon: What do you mean; he likes me? I mean, the guy's nice, he's
always nice to everyone.
Jim: Okay, so Sandburg isn't the only naïve one.
Simon: What?
Conner: Simon, he has a thing for you.
Simon: A thing? What kind of thing?
Jim: Simon, are you trying to be this dense on purpose?
Simon: Do I need to remind you of who makes out the schedule, Ellison?
Now, what kind of thing?
Conner: He has a crush on you, sir.
Brown: Holy fucking shit… Hey, Jim, did you and Blair tell him he had
a chance with our captain?
Jim: Fuck you, Brown.
Rafe: You only wish.
Simon: Are we done yet?
Conner: No, this is only the third one, Simon.
Simon: Shit…
Conner: We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Brown: I look damn fine dancing. I have smooth moves.
Rafe: So do I? What, Ellison? Why are you laughing at me?
Jim: You're so uptight while dancing you give a whole new meaning to
rigid.
Blair: Jim and I dance all the time and we don't look like frog's in
a blender.
Simon: I'm a smooth dancer, too.
Joel: Well, I'm taking lessons, so I'll feel more comfortable when
on dates.
Conner: Wow, no arguing on this one. We all agree that you guys look
like frogs?
Jim: No, we never said that.
Blair: Not even on a bad day, Conner.
Rafe: Even I don't look like a frog in a blender.
Simon: Conner, keep laughing and we won't answer any more of these
stupid survey's you have for your classes.
Conner: Fine, Simon. I'll move on to the next one.
Conner: No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
Joel: I wouldn't have worn one of those, even if I looked good in it.
Geeze, talk about advertising.
Simon: Hell, I think that there are many women's items that are as
bad if not worse.
Jim: I agree with Joel. It shows too much.
Blair: Hey, speak for yourself, hot stuff. I happen to love when
you wear yours.
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Conner: Oh god, this is too funny. Jim, please tell me you don't
own a speedo.
Jim: I don't own a speedo.
Conner: Blair, does he?
Blair: I refuse to answer; I plead the fifth.
Simon: Jim, I, for one, think that if you want to wear one in the privacy
of your home then that's your business.
Jim: Simon, I can hear you laughing. Did you forget who has the
best ears? I don't own one.
Blair: I was kidding. He doesn't own one but he makes me wear
one every Friday.
Joel: Man, you guys are teasing the straight guys, aren't you?
Conner: Damn, I was hoping for something good.
Simon: Let's move on, Conner.
Conner: We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
Jim: Okay, this is so unfair. I've never done this to amuse myself.
It might amuse someone else but it never amuses me.
Blair: It doesn't amuse me either, Jim.
Jim: Fuck you, Sandburg.
Blair: Promises, promises.
Joel: I agree with Jim on this one. I don't find it funny but
it is a bodily function. Sometimes you just can't help it.
Simon: I agree with them. I, too, find it non-amusing and normal
at the same time.
Brown: Well, I've been in a room when someone does and we all laugh.
Why's that?
Rafe: I think you're all nuts. I'd sooner die.
Jim: And you guys think we're the fags?
Blair: Hey, who you calling a fag?
Brown: Oh man, now I'm thinking of a whole new way of the passing gas
stuff. Geeze, thanks a lot Jim and Rafe.
Rafe: Don't blame me. I didn't do anything.
Jim: I don't get it.
Blair: I'll explain to you later, hot stuff.
Conner: This is amusing to listen to but it's time to move on.
Simon: Thank god, I was afraid someone would explain it to Ellison.
Conner: If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
Joel: That must be so nice.
Jim: Yeah, must be.
Blair: Hell, sometimes I have to shave twice a day.
Rafe: Why would you shave twice a day?
Blair: Because I give Jim beard burn when we're together, if you know
what I mean.
Jim: Sandburg, shut the fuck up.
Blair: What?
Simon: We could have gone all night long without knowing that.
Joel: Where do you give him beard burn?
Rafe: I don't want to know.
Brown: I do.
Jim: Well, he's not fucking telling anyone anything more about beard
burn.
Conner: I just have to say that women have to shave, too. I don't
care what you men say. If you slept with me and I had hairy armpits,
what would you think?
Brown: That I turned gay and was sleeping with Sandburg.
Jim: Fuck you, Brown.
Brown: You keep saying that.
Conner: Seriously, what would you think of that?
Joel: I've been with women that don't shave and it doesn't bother me.
Blair: No shit, Joel?
Jim: Why do you care about him sleeping with women?
Blair: Don't go all cave man on me.
Jim: I'll show you fucking cave man.
Conner: Do you mind? We're getting way off topic here.
Simon: And this would be new... how?
Conner: We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her
rear.
Simon: Wait a minute, that's what Jim and Blair like. Not us.
Jim: Fuck you, Simon.
Simon: Not even on your best day, bucko.
Blair: When did this turn into the let's make fun of the gay guys?
Brown: It has nothing to do with being gay. I slap Rafe all the
time when we're watching a game.
Rafe: But I think we're going to stop now.
Jim: Do you see the football players minding?
Conner: Mind if you're gay? I would think they have better things to
think about Jim.
Jim: Fuck you, Conner.
Blair: Hey, hey, hey. What you talking about, Ellison?
Simon: Let's get this back on track. I don't mind that the teams
slap each other on the ass. But I do have to say it makes me a little
uncomfortable when Jim and Blair do it.
Joel: Why's that, Simon?
Simon: Because they're gay. They like that slapping the ass stuff.
Blair: Excuse me, Simon, but, fuck you very much.
Jim: Couldn't have said it better, Sandburg.
Conner: Why does this always come back to Blair and Jim being gay?
Do you all have a problem with gays? Maybe we need to open up a little
more.
Joel: No, I have no problems with Jim and Blair being together.
And I certainly don't think you have to be gay to slap another person on
the ass.
Simon: Sorry, guys.
Blair: You're forgiven Simon.
Jim: Not by me, he's not.
Brown: Well, actually, there are some things that bother me. Like when
you touch us... do you feel an attraction to us?
Jim: Brown, you must be joking, right? God, you guys're fucking
killing me here. Sandburg, stop laughing over there.
Rafe: I think they don't have feelings for us, Brown.
Conner: I think I might make a new survey about how we all feel about
having gays working with us.
Jim: No, thanks.
Blair: That would be cool, Conner, do it.
Jim: Thanks, Sandburg.
Conner: We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
Brown: Oh man, this is 'so' not true. Where do they come up with
this shit?
Joel: Well, ours is on the outside. It does need to be situated
sometimes.
Simon: I agree with Joel.
Jim: I agree with Joel and Simon.
Blair: I think you all just like to touch it now and then.
Simon: Shut up, Sandburg.
Rafe: I don't agree at all. I think Brown's right. Where
do they come up with this?
Conner: Okay, as the only woman here I need to tell you, you all touch
yourselves. If you want to know how often or why, I'll tell you when
we're done with this survey.
Simon: If you don't shut up soon, you won't have anyone answering these
stupid questions.
Conner: Fine, but I'm here if anyone really wants the truth.
Blair: Conner, I do it, too?
Conner: Oh yeah, you do it a lot.
Blair: Fuck…
Conner: Jim likes when you do it.
Jim: Conner, shut the fuck up.
Conner: Well, you do.
Simon: On to the next one or this is over with.
Conner: We have the ability to dress ourselves.
Rafe: Man, this is so not true. I dress very well, thank you.
Joel: That's true, Rafe does dress nice.
Simon: Rafe does look better than most of us.
Brown: Hey, partner, do you have to ask for anyone's oppion when you're
dressing?
Rafe: Never. I do it alone.
Jim: I've heard that rumor.
Rafe: Fuck you, Ellison.
Jim: You wish.
Rafe: You're just jealous about how great I dress.
Blair: Hey, I dress myself and I think I look good.
Simon: Blair, you're one of the worst dressing gay men I've ever met.
Blair: You're kidding, right?
Simon: Nope.
Jim: I think he looks good.
Simon: You have to say that, Ellison.
Conner: Well, actually, all of you men can and have looked nice from
time to time. So, it's not always true.
Blair: Thanks, Conner.
Conner: Well, today isn't one of those days.
Jim: Good one, Conner.
Conner: Jim, I was talking about all of you... except for Rafe.
Rafe: Thanks, Conner.
Simon: Could we move on?
Conner: We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having
to picture them naked.
Brown: Why the hell would I have to picture them naked? I'd have
to walk around aroused all night long.
Joel: I agree with Henry.
Blair: I talk to everyone.
Jim: He does.
Simon: I don't ever picture anyone naked; makes it hard to work with
people after that.
Rafe: I've done it a couple of times when I met someone really gorgeous.
Conner: I think you're missing the whole point. Henry, if someone not
that good looking walked up to you and began talking to you, would you feel
comfortable talking to her?
Brown: Why are you singling me out here? Of course I would talk
to her.
Conner: Would you ask her out?
Brown: Hey, that's not the question.
Conner: You wouldn't, would you? Guys are so into the look.
Simon: Let me ask you, Conner. How would you feel if this geeky looking guy
came up and started talking to you?
Conner: I would be fine because I've dated a few geeks in my time and
they're hot.
Jim: Well, someone told me once that Blair looked like a geek and I
have to say, he's hot.
Simon: That's way too much information for us.
Blair: You think I'm hot?
Jim: Well, duh.
Simon: Please move on to the next question.
Conner: If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that
we look like an idiot.
Joel: Now wait a minute, I don't think that's fair. What if I
met someone nice that was 20 years younger. You think I shouldn't
give it a whirl because of how it looks?
Conner: Joel, it's just a question. And no, I think that if you
love someone, age shouldn't matter.
Simon: I feel as if it's hard enough keeping up with someone my own
age. I sure don't want to be 20 years older than her.
Rafe: Isn't Ellison 20 years older than Sandburg?
Jim: Fuck you, Rafe.
Rafe: Got you. I knew if I waited long enough, I'd find a good
one to insult you with.
Brown: You are quite a bit older than Sandburg.
Jim: I'm 9 years older. Only nine.
Blair: Jim, actually, it's only about 8 ½ years.
Jim: See? Not that bad at all.
Joel: I think you're perfect for each other.
Simon: Why are you sucking up to them today?
Jim: Simon, he's not sucking up.
Conner: Okay, guys. We're getting way off base again. Who
really cares if Joel sucks up or not?
Joel: Well, I do, missy.
Conner: Missy?
Joel: Well, you're pissing me off.
Rafe: Oh oh, Joel's pissed off.
Brown: Man, this might get scary.
Joel: Laugh it up, men, and you'll see what happens when I spread vicious
rumors about you two.
Rafe: What kind of rumors?
Joel: You'll never hear it from me.
Simon: Okay, time to move on, Conner. Quickly.
Conner: There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
Rafe: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Brown: I couldn't agree more. Like chocolate could make anything
better.
Jim: I beg to differ. I think that chocolate makes everything
seem more bearable.
Brown: Everyone raise their hand that's shocked that the gay guy said
this.
Jim: Damn it, it has nothing to do with being gay.
Rafe: I'm sure it doesn't.
Joel: I agree with Jim and I'm not gay.
Brown: No, maybe not, but you're sucking up big time today.
Joel: Okay, that does it. Those rumors'll begin tonight.
Blair: I think chocolate helps certain people. I know it helps
Conner and Jim.
Simon: Jim, don't you love being thrown in with Conner?
Jim: Sir, with all due respect, go fuck yourself.
Conner: He probably will.
Simon: Conner, that was uncalled for.
Conner: Like it's called for to make fun of the gay guys.
Blair: I don't care if they make fun. It's all done in jest,
right, guys?
Rafe: Yeah, jest.
Brown: Yeah, fun.
Simon: Yeah, gay.
Jim: Again, Simon, go fuck yourself.
Simon: I wish I could, Jim. I wish I could. I could eliminate
the middle person.
Blair: Oh god, that's too funny, Simon.
Conner: I swear you guys are just filthy minded goons. I don't
know why I keep having you do these survey's. The classes I take roar
at your answers as it is.
Jim: You do change the names, right?
Blair: Yeah, Conner, you do, right?
Conner: Ummmm… I'll start tonight.
Simon: Conner, tell me you're joking.
Conner: I'm joking, sir.
Simon: Please tell me honestly.
Conner: Honestly, sir.
Simon: Thank god.
Conner: Thanks, guys. I'll lete you know when the next one's
due. I've learned a great deal from these things.
Blair: You're welcome, Conner.
Conner: Sandy, you're always so kind.
Rafe: Jesus, now she's kissing up.
Conner: Fuck you, Rafe.
Rafe: Bring it on.
Simon: Does no one have any work to do around here? Yes? Well, then,
get to it.
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