Conner’s New Law Enforcement Quiz
Patt
For Denise. Thanks for the ammo.
As Conner walked into Sullivan’s Pub, she smiled because she knew tonight
would be a fun survey.
Conner: Hi, guys, you all ready for my next batch of homework?
Simon: We’ve not seen one thing from you. How do we know you’re
not just doing this for your own enjoyment?
Joel: Simon, Megan would never do that. Right, babe?
Conner: Exactly, Joel. This is legit.
Jim: So what's tonight’s about?
Conner: Subject: You might have been in law enforcement too
long if:
Blair: Shit, it’s a riot just thinking about it.
Jim: Only you would think this would be funny. Law enforcement's not
supposed to be funny.
Blair: But nine times out of ten, it is.
Simon: That is so untrue, Sandburg.
Jim: I agree with Simon.
Blair: You would, you shit. Neither of you have a sense of humor.
And you wouldn’t recognize something funny if it bit you in the ass.
Jim: That’s harsh, Blair. I have a sense of humor.
Conner: Guys, guys… We haven’t even started the survey yet and you’re
already arguing.
Simon: That’s what old married people do.
Blair: Who you calling old?
Jim: Fuck you, Simon.
Conner: Okay, guys, let's start this. Let's let the other guys
have a word to say for a change. You might have been in
law enforcement too long if... you have the bladder capacity of five people.
Brown: Holy shit, this is so true. Man, I bet we’ll agree on
this one.
Rafe: Yup, I agree with my partner.
Joel: I agree, also. I think this might be an easy one, Megan.
Jim: Conner? Are you saying that only law enforcement people
have good bladders?
Blair: Jim, when I started having to go on stakeouts with you, I about
died. I had to learn to hold it big time.
Jim: Oh, I get it now.
Blair: He’s a little slow but he’s really good in bed.
Jim: Fuck you.
Blair: I hope so.
Rafe: God, they’re starting already. You gotta love em.
Simon: I agree with everyone. Now could we move on?
Blair: How do you know if Jim’s good in bed?
Simon: You know damn well what I was talking about. God, you’re cruising
for a bruising, Sandburg.
Blair: Hey, no one gets to bruise me but Jim.
Jim: Chief, I don’t bruise you.
Blair: I know, but the look on their faces was worth the lie.
Simon: Could we move on now, Conner?
Conner: You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual
experience.
Simon: Hell, this is almost always the case with me.
Rafe: Must be your attitude or something. Would you like Henry and
me to find you a date?
Simon: No, I don’t want a date.
Brown: This isn’t true for me.
Blair: You’re into restraint?
Brown: Sometimes.
Simon: That’s way more than we want to know about either of you.
Jim: This isn’t true about me, either.
Simon: Duh. The slut speaks.
Jim: Simon, kiss my ass.
Simon: I’m afraid that your partner might restrain me.
Joel: You know, it might just be me, but I feel like this is going
downhill fast.
Conner: So, Joel, answer the question.
Joel: You know it’s not true with us.
Jim: Simon, why aren’t you calling them sluts?
Simon: Because you’re just so much more fun to tease than Joel or Conner.
Joel: This might be a good time for the next one, Meg.
Conner: You got it, big boy.
Jim: Oh geeze, get a room, you two. They’ve just taken first
place in the sweet talk.
Blair: Somehow, I don’t think of that as a good thing, Jim.
Jim: I’ll tell you something sweet later.
Blair: Nah, it won’t be the same.
Jim: Blair, don’t do this.
Blair: Move on, Conner.
Jim: Fine, I love it when you restrain me. Is that what you want
me to say? Do you want me to tell them how hard I get just thinking
about it?
Blair: No, I wanted you to tell me you loved me.
Jim: Oh… Well, I do, you know?
Simon: Okay, now that Ellison has successfully fucked himself, let's
move on.
Conner: You believe at least 50% of people are a waste of skin.
Blair: Hell, we don’t need to be in law enforcement to think this.
Jim: I agree, but maybe it’s a little worse with us since we see all
the bad ones.
Simon: I think this is true.
Joel: I agree with Simon.
Rafe: I think this on a daily basis.
Brown: I like to think that there's something good in everyone.
Sometimes, we just have to look deeper.
Jim: Okay, shrink time for Henry.
Brown: Hey, at least I didn’t just tell the group that I like to be
tied up.
Jim: Shut up, Brown.
Blair: I think Brown's right. We all tend to not look deep enough
in some.
Joel: Some of these people don’t need to be having us look deep into
them. They’re too fucking rotten.
Conner: Oh man, I’ve never heard you get so passionate about something
in the group.
Simon: What’s up with this group shit? We act like we’re in therapy.
Rafe: Well, I don’t know about anyone else but I feel like it is therapy.
Jim: Feels like it to me, too.
Blair: Hey, Jim, I love you, too.
Jim: Thanks, hot stuff.
Rafe: God, they're so cute.
Conner: Yeah, they are.
Simon: I need a paper bag to throw up in.
Jim: Kiss my ass, Simon.
Simon: Do I need to remind you of who I am?
Jim: No, I know you’re my friend who’s being an asshole today.
Joel: Okay, before they start punching each other’s lights out, I just
want to say that I like when he says that to you, Simon.
Simon: Why?
Joel: Because sometimes you’re just too uptight.
Rafe: Amen.
Simon: Enough about me. Let's move this thing along.
Conner: Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift
change.
Brown: Damn, but I love excitement at shift change.
Rafe: Me, too.
Jim: What are you guys... nuts?
Blair: You do too, Jim. Admit it.
Jim: Okay, maybe.
Blair: You're all adrenaline junkies.
Jim: And this is from the man that loves the roller coaster ride?
Blair: Yeah.
Joel: I prefer to have my shift change quiet.
Conner: I agree.
Jim: Conner, who asked you?
Joel: She can say something if she wants to, Jim.
Jim: Sorry, Joel.
Joel: Don’t say sorry to me; say it to her.
Jim: Sorry, Conner.
Conner: It’s all right, mate.
Blair: <whispering> I’d like a ride on the roller coaster tonight.
Jim: <whispering back> You got it, baby.
Simon: We can still hear you. We’re sitting a foot away from you.
Jim: Sorry.
Blair: We don’t have to be sorry for being in love.
Simon: Could we bring this back around to the topic. Geeze, you all
get so off topic it’s not even funny. I like my shift change quiet.
I’ve had enough years of the rollercoaster... And I don’t mean Jim’s.
Rafe: Good one, Simon.
Brown: <howling> You’re all so mean to Jim.
Simon: Then why are you laughing?
Brown: Because I’m not an idiot.
Blair: Well, I see that the two oldest members of the squad like it
quiet at shiftchange. The rest of us want excitement. We’re not
dead yet.
Conner: Sandy, take that back.
Joel: I can take care of myself, Meg.
Blair: Sorry, guys.
Simon: Could we get done so I can go to bed at a decent hour?
Blair: Old man alert. Old man alert.
Jim: Good one, Sandburg.
Simon: Sandburg, did I tell you that you’re on the all weekend long
stakeout?
Blair: Simon, I was joking.
Simon: Too late now.
Blair: Fuck…
Jim: Later.
Brown: <howling> You two are too much.
Conner: You call for a criminal history check on anyone who seems
remotely friendly towards you.
Jim: I used to do this with anyone that came in contact with Sandburg.
Blair: I know and it pissed me off.
Simon: I do this all the time. If I think someone seems a little
odd or different, I run a make on them.
Joel: Well, it’s nice to see what you guys do in your spare time.
Simon: Oh, give me a break. You do this, too.
Joel: All right, once.
Brown: I do it when someone new comes into the family.
Rafe: Same here. I don’t want any surprises.
Jim: Wow, do you realize that we just got through one without fighting
or disagreeing?
Simon: It’s early yet.
Conner: Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly
normal.
Blair: Okay, I have to say that if you all started discussing this
during dinner, I’d have to leave.
Simon: Now we know how to get rid of him.
Joel: That’s not nice, Simon.
Simon: But true.
Jim: A lot of people don’t feel comfortable talking about things like
that while they eat.
Conner: I’m one of them.
Blair: Yeah?
Conner: Yeah.
Blair: Thanks, Conner.
Jim: Wait a minute, Chief. I just stuck up for you, why are you
saying thanks to Conner?
Blair: Because you have to. She doesn’t.
Jim: I have to?
Simon: Jim, that’s one of the rules of being in love.
Jim: Were they posted somewhere?
Brown: God, you guys are funny.
Rafe: Yeah, Jim, they’re posted on the wuss puss board.
Jim: I’ll show you wuss puss, Rafe.
Rafe: Oh, I’m scared.
Blair: Rafe! Knock it off.
Rafe: Make me.
Rafe: Ow.
Blair: I told you to knock it off.
Rafe: Who would've thought you’d grab my balls?
Jim: Chief, I don’t want you grabbing anyone’s balls.
Blair: Believe me, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
Conner: Oh, god, Sandy, you’re the funniest.
Rafe: I’m going to kick your ass when Jim isn’t around.
Blair: Oh, I’m scared.
Jim: Watch it, Rafe, or I’ll pull your balls off.
Simon: Okay, men. Let's calm down.
Joel: But it was just getting good.
Simon: Don’t encourage them, Joel.
Rafe: It doesn’t bother me to talk about gory things during meals.
Brown: Me, either.
Simon: Conner, there’s a lull. Move…
Conner: You find humor in other people's stupidity.
Simon: Now I know that this is in the job description.
Joel: I think you’re right. God, I love stupid people sometimes.
Rafe: They can be funny, but they’re also a pain in the ass.
Brown: I usually just find them funny. I try to find humor in
everyone.
Jim: Who are you, Henry Sunshine?
Blair: Jim, knock it off. I think you’re right, Henry.
Jim: Fine. I’ll try and find humor in more places from now on.
Blair: There’s no need to be fucking sarcastic.
Rafe: Oh oh, he’s using the F word.
Brown: Ellison, run, we’ll cover ya.
Blair: I’m glad you all think this is so fucking funny.
Simon: See, this is an example of this survey question. Stupid
people are everywhere.
Jim: Just who are you calling stupid, Simon?
Simon: You’re all smart; figure it out.
Rafe: Screw you.
Brown: Yeah, what Rafe said.
Blair: Simon, I could say that same thing back to you.
Joel: Sit down, Simon. You’re not going to touch him. Sit
down, Jim.
Blair: Jim, why do you think I can’t take care of myself?
Jim: I know you can. I just don’t like him talking to you like
that. And I sure don’t like him making nasty faces at you.
Blair: Baby, that was a normal face. Apologize to him now.
Jim: Sorry, Simon.
Simon: Fuck you, Ellison. God, why do we do this each week?
Conner: Because you all love me?
Joel: They better not.
Jim: Don’t worry about me.
Blair: Jim, that was mean.
Jim: I only have eyes for you, Chief.
Blair: God, you can be so sweet.
Simon: Gag me with a spoon.
Blair: Simon, no one says that any more.
Simon: Fine, fuck you, Sandburg.
Blair: Now Jim says that sometimes but I tell him I prefer Blair in
bed.
Simon: Oh god. Please get me out of this. <Clicking
his heels together> There’s no place like home.
Joel: Cute, Simon.
Rafe: Good one, Simon.
Brown: <howling> You're such nuts but I love that about
ya.
Conner: You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
Simon: I think they should think about this.
Jim: I do, also.
Blair: You guys are always into the drug scene.
Rafe: Well, Prozac would help things, I think.
Brown: I’m with Hairboy on this one.
Simon: You better stop hanging with Blair. You’re becoming a
wuss.
Blair: Fuck you.
Jim: You can later, okay?
Blair: Not a chance.
Jim: What did I do?
Blair: You know.
Jim: Because I don’t agree about the Prozac thing, you’re pissed off?
Blair: Figure it out, tough stuff.
Joel: I agree with Brown and Blair.
Simon: You would. Since you hooked up with Conner, you’ve been
to the wuss puss class, too.
Conner: I take great offense at that.
Simon: Oh, suck it up, Conner.
Joel: It’s okay, sweetie, they’re just jealous.
Rafe: Yeah, we’re just jealous. <giggling>
Simon: Could we get done? Are we done yet?
Conner: Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose
restraint.
Blair: Not. That is like so harsh.
Jim: I’m with Blair on this one.
Simon: Well, sometimes they need to be restrained. Oh yeah, that was
Jim. Not any children.
Jim: Shove it, Simon.
Simon: Into what? I’m not dating right now.
Blair: Mrs. Palm and her five daughters always used to work for me.
Conner: Could we stay on track, guys?
Rafe: I would never restrain a child like that and feel good about
it.
Brown: I love kids.
Simon: I’m tired, can we go home now?
Blair: No wonder you’re not dating.
Simon: Shut up, Sandburg. I’m tired from working all day long.
Jim: I’m tired, too, but I still find time for my life.
Simon: Oh, please don’t tell us about it. Conner, get us the fuck away
from this one.
Conner: You believe that "shallow gene pool" is sufficient grounds
for arrest.
Jim: Hell, yes.
Blair: Agreed.
Simon: Agreed.
Brown: I think I agree.
Rafe: Same here.
Joel: Agreed.
Conner: Oh my god, this is a first. Let’s have a big round of
applause for the guys of Major Crime.
Simon: If you want us to continue doing this, you best shut up, Conner.
Conner: You believe the government should require extensive testing
and permits prior to reproduction.
Blair: Man, Jim and I have discussed this in great detail.
Jim: I couldn’t agree more.
Rafe: Same here.
Brown: Another one we agree on.
Joel: I don’t like how anyone is allowed to have children.
Simon: Yes, I agree, too.
Conner: Oh my god. Another winner. Woo Hoo. We’re on a
roll, guys. On to the next one.
Conner: You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if
anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet around here".
Simon: That does happen. Hasn’t it happened to anyone besides
me?
Joel: It’s happened to me on many occasions.
Jim: Same here.
Rafe: You’re superstitious.
Brown: No, really! It happens.
Blair: It does not. If it’s going to be a bad night, it’s going
to be whether you say that or not. How many times has it happened and
you didn’t say this?
Jim: Well, there is that.
Blair: Told ya.
Simon: I still believe you’re asking for it by saying it.
Rafe: Simon, you’re turning into a wuss puss.
Simon: Rafe, don’t whine next week when you’re pulling double duty.
Rafe: Oh great…
Conner: Your diet consists of food that has gone through more
processing than a computer can possibly track.
Jim: I like my food that way.
Blair: You would, Mr. Twinkie Man.
Rafe: Twinkie Man. How cute. Is that because something of his
reminds you of a twinkie? <laughing hysterically>
Blair: I’ve been known to put twinkie cream on me and let Jim eat if
off.
Simon: Gross.
Blair: Rafe started it.
Jim: Chief, they don’t need to know that shit.
Brown: Damn, you really do this?
Blair: Way to go Jim.
Jim: What? You said it not me.
Blair: But they thought I was kidding.
Joel: You use twinkie cream? I’d be interested in this.
Conner: So would I.
Simon: Oh god, it’s like a cult.
Rafe: They’re sick and the sickness is spreading.
Simon: Next week you could have it, Rafe.
Rafe: Holy shit.
Conner: So do you think you eat crap because of the long stakeouts
and so on?
Jim: Yes.
Blair: Yes.
Simon: Yes.
Rafe: Yes.
Joel: I think so.
Brown: I agree.
Conner: My god! Another winner. Ding, ding,ding.
Conner: You believe chocolate's a food group.
Jim: It’s not?
Blair: I bought you some new chocolate syrup.
Jim: Goody.
Simon: Couldn’t you discuss this stuff when you’re alone.
Jim: It just so happens that I needed Chocolate syrup for a recipe
for a better than sex cake I was going to make for poker night.
Simon: Oh, in that case, carry on.
Jim: Make it yourself.
Blair: <leaning in close to Jim> Good one, big boy.
Joel: I love chocolate and I think it should be considered a food group.
Conner: I’m going to help break you of that habit.
Blair: Conner, I’ll help you.
Jim: We don’t need anyone knowing about my chocolate cravings.
Simon: Jesus, get on with this one.
Brown: I love chocolate, too.
Rafe: I don’t. It makes you fat.
Jim: You just have to work out twice as long, dummy. Why give
up something as wonderful as that because it’s fattening?
Rafe: I’d rather stick with veggies.
Blair: Well, I like veggies, too. But I love my dessert.
Simon: Please move on.
Conner: You have contemplated holding a seminar titled "SUICIDE
- Getting it Right the First Time".
Simon: Seriously, I think we should have this one.
Jim: I agree.
Blair: Jim, that’s a terrible thing to say.
Jim: Chief, if they want to really go, they need to do it right.
Look how much money it cost taxpayers when they screw it up.
Blair: You’re such kind officers.
Rafe: I agree with them.
Blair: You would.
Rafe: Only a wuss wouldn’t.
Blair: Then why did Jim agree?
Jim: Fuck you, Sandburg.
Blair: Later, big boy.
Brown: I don’t agree and I don’t care if it makes me a wuss.
Blair: We can be wusses together, Brown.
Brown: Then again, you know, it might make for an interesting course.
Joel: I don’t agree, either, and I’ll be a wuss with Blair.
Blair: Thanks, Joel.
Conner: Well, you have to admit, it gets tiring of helping these folks
over and over again.
Joel: Maybe we’re not helping them right.
Simon: Let's move on before I start giving a lecture.
Conner: You believe that "Too stupid to live" is a valid verdict.
Simon: Boy, do I agree with this one.
Blair: Now this one I have to agree with, too.
Simon: Wait a minute! That doesn’t sound like our Sandburg.
Blair: I’m getting mean and cruel like the rest of you. What
can I say?
Rafe: I agree with this one, also.
Brown: I’ve often wanted to use this line.
Joel: I have too, Henry.
Jim: I've used this line a few times to scare them. It works.
Simon: I didn’t hear that.
Joel: Ellison, you’re too much.
Blair: No, he’s just enough.
Simon: Oh god, please move it before they get started.
Conner: You have to put the phone down before you begin laughing
uncontrollably.
Rafe: Now I seem to remember that we got a call one night from Sandburg
and Ellison’s neighbors. We had to set the phone down while we laughed.
Brown: God, I almost forgot about that.
Conner: That was a hoot, wasn’t it?
Joel: What're you talking about?
Rafe: We like to call them the Screamer stories.
Simon: We like to tell these at parties.
Jim: Nice to know that our lives give you such pleasure.
Simon: Hell, yes! And no doubt from the phone call, you get much
pleasure, too.
Brown: Good, one, Simon.
Rafe: We’ll tell you later on, Joel.
Joel: Goody.
Conner: You’re going to love it.
Blair: This is past embarrassing.
Jim: I told you we should move to another city, but noooooooooo you
said we’d be fine here.
Conner: You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
Jim: I want this to be sooooo true.
Blair: Tell me about it. I have to have my coffee intake day
and night.
Simon: I have to agree on this one.
Joel: Same here.
Brown: I like the idea, also.
Rafe: Agreement all around.
Conner: Will wonders never cease?
Conner: Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
Jim: This sounds about right to me.
Blair: This is right.
Simon: How true.
Rafe: Agree.
Joel: I couldn’t agree more.
Brown: Yup, I have to say this is a no brainer.
Conner: Guys, things are looking up.
Simon: We get to go home?
Conner: No. We’re almost done though.
Simon: So get busy.
Conner: When you mention "vegetables", you're not referring
to the food group.
Jim: I call a lot of our perp’s vegetables.
Blair: He does. I don’t.
Simon: You should. I do, too.
Joel: I often call them this.
Brown: I’ve never said this.
Rafe: Oh Henry, you’re so sweet and naïve.
Blair: Don’t pick on him cuz he’s not as shitty as you.
Brown: Thanks, Blair, but I don’t need you sticking up for me.
Blair: Actually, I just wanted to say something to Rafe. This
gave me a reason.
Brown: In that case, carry on.
Rafe: Fuck both of ya.
Blair: Wow, he’s thinking he’s got a lot of stamina.
Rafe: Ewwww.
Simon: Could we move on?
Conner: It occurs to you one night that you really have
entered, "The Twilight Zone".
Simon: This occurs to me each and every day I have to bear witness
to Ellison and Sandburg.
Jim: You’re just jealous.
Blair: Yeah, what he said.
Jim: Good come back, Blair.
Blair: I’m saving all my energy and thought for us later.
Jim: Oh, goody.
Simon: See? This is what I meant.
Joel: I, for one, love that zone.
Jim: Thanks, Joel.
Blair: Yeah, we love the Megan and Joel zone, too.
Brown: I think this about perp’s but I rarely think it about Ellison
and Sandburg.
Rafe: I think it every time I look at them.
Jim: Perp’s or us?
Rafe: Both.
Simon: Okay, time to move on.
Conner: You're told to deliver a packaged human body part
and you find yourself talking to it in the car on the
way to the lab.
Simon: I just want to know right off if this has ever happened to anyone.
Because if it has, we need to get you some help.
Blair: Never happened to me.
Jim: Me, either.
Rafe: I’ve never had to deliver anything, so I wouldn’t know.
Blair: Well, what do you think the chances of it happening are?
Rafe: None.
Blair: Now was that so hard?
Rafe: I’ll show you hard.
Simon: Sit back down, Jim. Rafe, shut your fucking mouth.
Rafe: I meant my fist.
Blair: Jim, you’re my man. God, I love when you’re possessive.
Joel: I’ve never talked to a body part that was in the car with us.
Ewwww.
Conner: You are the only person introduced by profession
at a social gathering.
Simon: This is so true.
Jim: You can say that again.
Simon: This is so true.
Jim: Very funny, Simon.
Blair: I agree with this one, also.
Joel: Me, too
Rafe: Me, too
Brown: Wow, total agreement again. Conner, I think that makes
like three of them now.
Conner: I know, it’s like an all time record high.
Simon: Are we done?
Conner: Yup, we’re done. Night, all.
Joel: Night, everyone.
Jim: Night, guys and Conner.
Rafe: See ya on Friday night for poker.
Brown: Night, guys.
Simon: Finally, I’m exhausted.
Jim: Night, John boy.
Blair: Night, Mom.
Jim: Jim Bob.
Blair: Night, Grampa.
Jim: Night, Billy Bob.
Simon: That wasn’t one of them.
Blair: Shit, he did use to watch it. Jim said he’d make you say
that and I told him you weren’t the type to watch that show.
Simon: Go home and leave this poor old tired man alone.
The End. <g>
Email address: [email protected]
Author's website:
http://p-patt.tripod.com/dreamingofsentinels/
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