| Late one night� I opened yet another letter... Asking, �Why?� "Why do you go by "Mary" now?" I was tired and didn�t really FEEL like answering it all over again, But gently and clearly I heard a whisper� �Answer.� This is what I am so often asked: �Why do you say, "Love and Light�? And �Why do you go by the name, "Mary�? This was the letter I replied: Dear Friend: I will answer you. Unashamedly, regardless of what you may think even. I sat for a moment and juggled around the idea of not answering you. The reason was that perhaps you might think � I was a wierdo. Which... Which wouldn't be anything new as far as memories and current disposition are concerned. Not much has changed for me on that level. Since when did I EVER really care how people judged me anyway? I wanted to answer you without fearing what you would think, and I decided that it would only serve us both well if I were to share freely ... Without me worried about that. So I will now tell you frankly. When I was in high school, I was a pot smoking nutty kid. I was into all kinds of "evil" things as far as "bad living" goes. I got pregnant right after graduation and ran away to live with my sister, Shelley, in NC because everyone was telling me to have an abortion. All the while... I was empty and starving inside and so wanted to know that there was more to this blasted life then what I had. When I got to NC and had Seth (1984), I kept meeting Christians everywhere I went. And boy, did they piss me off! They would all tell me different doctrines, teachings, and dogmas ... Couldn't agree on a darn thing! One Baptist, one Pentecostal, one Catholic, one this or that.... I came to the conclusion that the only thing everybody (Christians) agreed on was that Jesus was more then a dead guy hanging on some tree in Israel. So, this "city girl" stood in a cow pasture one night and said aloud..."Look God, your people down here are confusing the shit outta me" (sorry folks, that's what I said)", "all I know for sure God is that I am a screwed up kid, and I could pretty much use Your help about now." "If You don't help me soon, I am going to give Seth up for adoption and keep on the way it is and just think that You plain stink" "so if you could come in my life and help me out and be whatever it means to be Lord.... then I would greatly appreciate it." I just wanted to be His friend and He be mine, and not get all religious! That's all I remember saying right now. I know, I know, you aren't supposed to talk to God that way� but I did ALL I knew to do ... and He heard me anyway. No matter what people teach or think... God looks at the heart and not at anything else. Anyway, when I said those words, and meant it ... I heard, "I waited a LONG time to hear you say that." |
 |
| ... All of a sudden, I could not feel me anymore. It felt like I was being held, and I felt kinda drunk. My knees gave way and I hit the ground with Seth in my arms. I cried for a very long time. My thoughts � Thought things that never crossed my mind before. And before you knew it ... the sun was coming up. I heard the Lords' voice for the first time in my life and I heard Him call me, "Little Mary." And Touch my head... The "Love and the Light" that I saw ... and that I encountered ... No one could ever take it from me. For it lives on -- even when I won't. |
|