Monologue presented in Gateway on Residency Road in connection with HP's 50th Independence Day Celebrations on 12th August, 1997 (Tue)
At the outset, let me make it clear that this programme is not intended to criticise our country or show any disrespect. What I have here is just one way of looking at things, and that is the humorous and light-hearted way. So take this lightly and please do not be offended. I make advance apologies if I happen to hurt any one's sentiments.
I'd also like to add that all the ideas are solely mine. So please direct all your criticism at me. If any credits are due, they should go to Prakash and also to Shankar Sahai, who compulsorily "volunteered" me for the show!
Dear friends,
We are celebrating the 50th anniversary of Indian Independence, and what better thing to happen that our Father of the Nation, Mahatma Gandhi paying a visit to the country, for which he gave his life? We covered the visit of Gandhiji and this is what we have to report.
Gandhiji landed in India in much the same way as Arnold Schawarzenegger landed on Earth in "Terminator" series. He decided to begin his India visit with the capital - New Delhi.
***
"Which party is in power in the Centre? Congress, right?" asked Gandhiji. "Our political system has made great strides in the last 50 years. Then we just had one party - Congress ruling the country. Today we have a 13 (what there has been another split), sorry Gandhiji, 14 party coalition in power in the centre. We have outside support, inside support from outside, outside support from inside, conditional/unconditional support, and what not!"
***
Gandhiji moved to Bihar, the cow-belt of the country. He was happy to see a lady Chief Minister, but not happy to see the plight of the unfed cows. "The ex-CM, the husband of the present CM, put his hand in the fodder, Gandhiji, and that's the reason".
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When he reached Kerala, he had to walk all his way - the reason : bandh. "Gandhiji, your policies are strong even today. See the bandh here. It has been organised against the High Court verdict banning bandhs!"
Gandhiji saw a few people sitting inside a specially erected pandhal. "Relay fast : 15th day", it read. "Gandhiji, this is an offshoot of your fasts lasting for days and even weeks, for various causes. Now we have modified it to "relay fast", so people fast in turns. And see that large gathering staging a protest. We have progressed when one or two people used to stand up against the British. They are all unemployed people. They protest daily for different causes, depending on who pays them.
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"And we haven't forgotten your Dandi march and other padayatras. Only now we do it in Rathas", we told Gandhiji, as L.K. Advani whizzed past us in a specially designed air-conditioned "Ratha".
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"How's the progress in technology?" asked Gandhiji.
"Why, you will be happy at the progress we have made in technology over the years. When you were assassinated in 1948, Godse used a pistol. When Indira Gandhi was assassinated in 1984, it was sten guns, and when it came to Rajiv Gandhi in 1991, we had belt bomb!"
***
"What about prohibition? I hope it is in force."
"Prohibition! Indeed! country liquors are strictly prohibited in most States. Only foreign liquors are entertained any longer."
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"Our afforestation campaign has paid rich dividends, Gandhiji. Take our Veerappan for instance. Thanx to the denseness of the forests in which he is hiding, our security forces haven't been able to capture him for decades, now!"
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"We are making giant strides in the sports field. We managed to introduce Kabaddi in Asiad and won our only gold in recent years. We are trying to introduce it in Olympics, before Chinese master the sport. And why, in cricket, we have pressed for giving international status to Bangladesh, Kenya, etc. Previously we could play Sri Lanka without losing, but now we have to turn to these countries."
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"How about my contemporaries? Are they still considered with respect?"
"What are you asking, Gandhiji? The President, the Vice President and the Prime Minister spend half the days in the year, visiting the samadhis of the famous leaders, both on their birth and death anniversaries. Why that provides permanent employment to bhajan singers, who are on contract for singing when the dignitaries come."
"One of the signs of our recognition is the conferring of Bharat Ratna. We awarded Bharat Ratna to several freedom fighters long after their death. In fact, Gandhiji, you have been surprisingly left out. We will see that it is corrected."
"Another sign of our respect is garlanding of statues. Gandhiji, you just escaped the trouble we had when a statue of a leader was garlanded."
"Why was there trouble for garlanding the statue ?"
"Because the garland was made of chappals!"
***
"Gandhiji, you missed the 1971 War. How would you like to see "Border", the movie based on it?"
"No thanx! a few who had gone for the movie, ended up where I'm living now!"
***
Gandhiji was in time for the swearing in of K.R. Narayanan as the President of the country.
"He has become the President only because he's a Dalit", he heard someone remark. Gandhiji remarked, "What! even after 50 years, caste system is still prevalent!"
"Prevalent, Gandhiji, we have made considerable progress. We had 22.5 % reservations for Scheduled Castes and Tribes when the Constitution came in to force in 1950, that was to last for 10 years; but now we have 50% reservations, that too, in promotions. Why! we are marching towards 100% reservations. You just missed the fight for Women's Reservation Bill in Parliament."
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"During my time, India was a land of opportunities. Is it still?" asked Gandhiji.
"Of course! Gandhiji. Here you can rise from any position to any position. Take Phoolan Devi, for instance. She was the terror of Chambal Valley. Now she is a mouse in Parliament as an MP. And Indian people are very impartial : they have elected not only Deepika who acted as Sita in Ramayana serial, they also made Ravana, I mean Arvind Trivedi as their MP. Why ! now you can even rule a State from Jail as Laloo is doing, or from sick bed as MGR did or by remote control as Bal Thackeray is doing!"
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Finally Gandhiji arrived at Bangalore. Inevitably he had to take a walk down Brigade Road.
"Why are all the men and women wearing thick sacks?"
"They are not sacks, Gandhiji, they are jeans. That's the fashion here"
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Gandhiji visited a software company. He was shown the computers His guide thought this was the best time to test his newly acquired mastery over Hindi. "Gandhiji, Choohe ko sambalke pakadna" (hold the mouse gently)". Gandhiji got a shock, "Mouse! where, inside this a/c building..."
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Where are the people here?" he asked, finding many of the cubicles deserted. "Oh! they are all in U.S. They are solving the problems of computers there. Now you know the progress India has made in education over the period of time. We have to go to US to solve their problems!"
***
On being shown about email, he had a brainwave. He quickly typed in a message to [email protected]. "Please take me back at the earliest. I'm a misfit here".
There's a flash and Gandhiji is visible no more.