The Epistle Of St Joan
Dear All
It hardly seems 12 months ago that I wrote last years letter to let all our friends and relatives know what a fabulous year we have had. Someone did reply last year.You will be pleased to know that my operation went very well and that I have regained some control of my bladder.
The year started in January. Reg and I woke up a little later than usual on the first of January (after staying up till five past midnight! )as Reg was very worried in casethat millennium bug caused massive civil disturbance and general electrical failure. As you know he does likes to sleep with the light on. We stayed in Bed until it got too wet to lie in any more and then had bacon sandwiches (with Branston pickle of course) and a very small medium sherry between us.
As there was so little on television-the BBC having blown the lot on Christmas -we decided to go out for a walk around Bristol and look at the so called revamped city centre. I've seen better fountains in my own home! Such a waste of public money when we still have pensioners without microwave ovens!
I forgot to mention that Xmas 99 went awfully well. Regs mother Lillian was let out for the day and kept us all in stitches with her tales of life in the twilight home. She appears to be having some sort of physical relationship with one of the care staff. She really is amazing for 85! I bet the Queen mum doesn't get that sort of attention. We thought we might have some trouble getting her back to the home but we found that after 7 sherries it was quite easy to carry her out to the Espace .
The children are all doing very well -though unfortunately none of them was able to have Xmas lunch with us. Marcus the eldest was 38 in April. My has he grown! He has a gorgeous double bed sit in the poshest bit of Pimlico in London. Its very minimalist all Ikea and Muji -so he told me when he phoned in June to say he had received the card and the £100 that Reg and I sent for his birthday. He said he would be buying a lovely tea cup he had seen .We are hoping to visit him next year if I can get complete control of my works as Marcus is a bit worried about the cream carpet. He continues to do very well at "Peter Jones" and is now responsible for assisting the assistant senior window dresser on 3 of the 15 windows!
Cassandra (34 next May-Heels like that!!!) is what she calls between men at the moment Reg says that the break will do her good and make her realise that legs are for standing on. She spent Christmas with her children in Folklestone in Kent as she and the 8 little ones felt that they might not be able to get back into their home if they left it.( A long Story!). I missed seeing the little ones - Reg calls them our own little league of nations-but I must say it was a relief not to have to cater for them all. Children are so faddy these days and Cassandra has gone vegan which Reg says only encourages them.
Lucinda (28) is due to be let out in May 2002.The Dog died last February.
We had a lovely holiday in June. We spent a fortnight in China on a Saga tour. There were 14 of us to start of with but by the time we reached Peking we were down to 8, which meant much more space on the Minibus. We went with our great friends Madge and Midge who as you know are both divorcees of long standing. The terracotta army was OK though Reg stayed on the coach for that bit as he is not over keen on that sort of thing .He did get off the coach for 5 minutes at the great wall and bought some fabulous T shirts for the children with "I have been on the great wail" written on them. We didn't like the food much though the Chinese people seemed quite nice through the coach windows. Madge and Midge brought guidebooks with them and were thus able to sort out what the Chinese chappie was saying. .The other 6 people who survived were absolutely charming- just our sort of person. They were well travelled-mainly ex diplomats and public school teachers. None of those social worker types- who hand out pens and sweeties to the locals and buy all that ethnic tatt -causing havoc for the next coach load that arrive. I must say that Reg and I were very glad to get home to proper sanitation.
We have spent much of the year in the company of all of our friends in the absence of the children.Yes ,we continue to have Sunday lunch with Seward and Cynthia. Seward still has his lucid moments and occasionally is still awake by the time we have the Pears and Ideal milk at 2 PM. Cynth is giving up work in May to look after him full time. Reg says she will soon be back at work. We all had a great meal out only recently to celebrate Adolfs 60th birthday. He and Tamara are having a lot of work done on the house at the moment. They are having it made safe and a new bathroom put in with all the essentials- bath seat , handrail and ramp- all obtained from a speciality store on the outskirts of Montpelier. No expense spared there. It was also Tamaras fiftieth birthday the year before last which settled a long running argument between Madge and Midge as to which was the eldest once and for all! Madge and Midge have hardly been here this year . Reg is highly suspicious about the amount of time they spend in South America and the sheer number of trips that they they made there this year. He says his pension would not stretch that far and wants to know where all the money is coming from and doubts whether it is Vim in their bathroom. I say he can not blame Midge and Madge for our Lucindas little problem.
Mack and Mabel have bought a second home in Spain( All right for some) so we are all looking forward to going over in shifts ( with our own rubber sheets) to sample the sangria and local sausage. Mabel is a bit worried about the large number of men in the block with poodles and pink golfing socks but as Mack says the spics have always had funny habits and no fashion sense.
Jack from Bath retired last year and he and Vera are now running an outdoor cinema in the depths of France. Jack says that Vera is working him " comme une noir" whatever that is. They are having a great deal of trouble with choc ices in the summer months but Jack says that they are very good for Veras karma sutra. Our friends round the corner Hermione and Hector are the only ones properly working now apart from me. The Brothel they run is surprisingly successful considering its location. Hermione is always buying new sheets as she can not bring herself to wash them.
We had a letter this year from my friend Julia -the one that took all the hormones and multivitamins who ran off to Mexico a few years back as she quite fancied her chances there. (You will remember we got talking at one of the exercise classes after she got skin burns following a parachute jump or so she said-I always thought it was due to trying to squeeze herself into a tighter leotard). She is doing very well there and barely a night goes by apparently without something hot and spicy passing her lips. She says that the Mexican sausage is better than even the Spanish. She has been in several movies though I gather they are in Spanish which means Reg and I are not likely to see them you know what Reg is like about subtitles although I still can manage them at home with my distance glasses on instead of my bifocals.
The really good news is that Reg and I will be going down under in February to see Elsie and Tubbs again after all these years. They are apparently doing well with the Sex Aid parties and have bought a second retirement home which they advertise on something called the internet whatever that is. Reg is already slowing down a bit to gather his strength for the trip. From the end of December until we go he will remain bedridden. I am looking forward to seeing the Kangaroos and Koalas. Reg can not wait to see the water running the other way out of the Bath-typical man! I gather there is a nice rock feature somewhere over there so I hope to get Reg off the coach for that.
Not to be out done by Adolf and Tamara Reg says that I can have my back passage redone so that it will be good for a good few years yet. We too have chosen wallpapers from John Lewis.
Apart from my little problem Reg and I remain in excellent health. Midge, Tamara and I still go to the exercise classes. Tamara and Midge continue to work their pelvic floors to the tunes of the sixties. Tamara says she could crack nuts with hers- Midge says she wouldn't want to any way even if she could. I was asked to stop going in March when my problem got a bit out of hand and Elaine came a cropper. I now do an excellent class involving a zimmer frame, which takes place in the pool- so no health and safety problem there. We were all saying what a loss to the world of exercise classes this year what with Russ Conway going. All three of us were great fans of him and Frank Ifield. Tamara always swore by "Side Saddle".Shame about that missing finger though. It will no doubt be waiting for him on the otherside beckoning him to his rightful place in the orchestra of the Lord.
Still I must stop now as I have to get to work at the Mortuary- Home from Home I call it.Terry Wogan said on the radio that you have to post this weekend for Christmas so I do hope you all receive this in time for Christmas.
We are not giving presents again this year and instead are making donations to charity. This years lucky recipient will be the Amanuensis Enuresis Society which aims to supply free to over 60s free catheters and rubber sheets.
May God clutch you to his bosom in due course-of course!
Lots Of Love
Joan , Reg and Family.
PS Look forward to seeing some of you at the Henleaze Mecca Bingo Hall for Madges 70th.. It should be a good night-£50 per Line and £250 for a full house.