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| Something D. and I really enjoyed....
oops...forgot to add this...for more of his paintings. http://www.addisongallery.com/browse.asp?id=117
"Contemplation" is my favorite too.
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Pino
was born in Bari on November 8, 1939, he began his studies at the
city’s Art Institute. In 1960 he entered Milan’s Academy of Brera where
he perfected his talent and skill for painting nudes. In the two years
he studied at the Academy, he came under the influence of the
Pre-Raphaelites and Macchiaioli. Pino also experimented with
Expressionism of the late sixties during his stay in Milan. From 1960
to 1979 his work appeared in several major exhibitions throughout Italy
and Europe. At the same time, he was commissioned by Italy’s two
largest publishers. Mondadori and Rizzoli, for book illustrations.
However, Pino felt restricted in Milan. He wanted more artistic freedom
which he believed existed in the United States.
In
1979, he emigrated to the United States under the sponsorship of Borghi
Gallery where he held several shows in New York and Massachusetts. In
1980, after knocking on many doors, Zebra Books Publishers commissioned
him to do his first book cover. His interpretation was new, fresh and
sensual, an illustration so successful that
he gained entry into creative relationships with many leading
publishers of Romance novels. His popularity grew within the literary
community and he became the artist-in-demand for Zebra, Bantam, Simon,
and Schuster, Harlequin, Penquin USA and Dell. To date, Pino has
illustrated 3,000 books; his style has dominated and influenced the
market.
 Although
Pino devoted thirteen years to illustrating book covers, he never
abandoned his desire to return to fine art. In the United States be
became fascinated with the works of Soralla, Sargent, Benson and
William Merrit Chase. In 1992 he contacted one of the major galleries
in Scottsdale,
Arizona, the May Gallery, and sent five paintings which were well
received. Since then his paintings have appeared in Morris and
Whiteside Gallery in Hilton Head and Stuart Johnson’s Settlers West
Gallery in Tucson. Pino has been invited to make several appearances on
major TV networks and has been interviewed in national and
international journals. In addition, his ability to capture the
movements and expressions of his subjects has brought him private
commissions to do portraits. Pino resides in New Jersey with his wife,
a son and a daughter.
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"Joyous Memories"
"Serendipity"
"Contemplation" | | | |
| This
post is something that has been on my heart for a long time. I have
received so many emails about asking about what we did right, what was
it that saved our marriage. So I started thinking about it and D. and I
have been talking about it....what did we do right? what did we do
wrong? The first thing I have to say is that what happened between D.
and I was a God thing. Human beings change behaviors. God changes
hearts.
This is geared mostly toward the wounded spouse,
since obviously, that is the easiest perspecitive for me. Perhaps a
list from the perspective of the wayward spouse would be a nice
companion list? I asked D. to think about it.
This list is NOT COMPLETE and will be my work in progress for the
next few days. For those of you who have been there, please feel free
to chime in and add your thoughts. If you do not want to comment here,
please, please, please share your wisdom and insight..... email me.
Edit: Good points in the comments. Both spouses
have to want to save the marriage, or to at least try. I think that the
first days after disclosure are critical. Of course I know people who
only found out about the affair when their spouse walked in and said,
"I don't love you anymore, I want a divorce." No discussion, no
talking. They just left and moved in with the OW.
But if you have two people at least willing to try, and let God be
God. We make those choices sometimes without even knowing we are making
them. AS D. likes to say....the choice controls the chooser.
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Things to Do |
Things Not to Do |
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Pray....
This is a huge one. I have no doubt that
prayer moved mountains in our situation. Trust God, ask Him what to do
about your marriage, about your pain. Read His word....He will answer
you. He answers. Ask Him to reveal all things hidden, for He knows what has been kept in the darkness.
The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
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Manipulate God.....
God if You do this, then I will do that. God cannot be bought or manipulated. Seek His will.
Angry
prayers....God won't give the affair partner a case of boils. There are
some wonderful smiting psalms, but remember God's justice is surer than
ours. When God aims for somebody's heart, He never misses. We are only
seeing our small corner of the picture while God is painting a huge
canvas.
We can only expect God to asnwer prayers that Jesus Himself would have prayed. | |
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Get Angry....
You have to be angry and the wayward spouse has to SEE the anger.
This is a natural response to a great wound. Anger is the body's way of
protecting itself. It provides the energy necessary to keep us out of
the ruts. Depression is the rage turned inward. But the key is to be
angry and sin not. The anger has to be expressed in a construtive, or
at least non-destructive manner.
Constructive things to express anger:
- Journal, write poetry, paint....give the pain a creative voice. (Note....journals
can hurt badly if you let your spouse read raw, angry emotion. If I
have the desire to let D. read my xanga, I write it and then sleep on
it. If it still feels relevant in the morning, then I let him read.)
- Sports....running, cycling, walking, hitting golf balls, shooting hoops...it expends the energy.
- Talk. Speak specifically. "This instance...where she gave you
a blow job in front of the casino. It is bothering me today." Calling
him a selfish prick at the end of the sentence would fall under the
"attacking" heading. Avoid that, if possible. Conflict should lead to
new understanding, not tearing each other down. Call for a time out and
resume the conversation when tempers are cooler.
- Get a whiffle bat and a picture of the affair partner. Put the picture on the bed and beat the thing until you cry.
- Cry.
- Lock the door, pull the shades, turn the stereo up, scream, cry, rage.
- Cry some more.
- Repeat as necessary.
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Attack and Destroy....
The wayward spouse is in fight or flight mode. They know what they
did and they know just how reprehensible it was. Friends in the know
will be regaling tales of how their spouse "never got over it". The
affair partner, especially if it is an emotionally entangled affair
will be saying the same thing. "You are going to pay for this for the
rest of you life." By attacking and destroying them, it only affirms
this.
Even if the wayward spouse does not stay, you still have to work
through the anger. Working through means to find a way to express it, a
way to accept it and a way to move on.
Destructive means to express anger:
- Repeatedly attacking your spouse. Beating the dead horse. If they
left their underwear on the floor, it dissolves into a fight about how
insensitive they are, considering they left their dirty drawers on the
floor and had an affair. Do not punish the wayward spouse with your anger.
- Turn it inward. Do not resort to self-destructive behavior.
This includes drinking, drug use, maxing out credit cards, over eating,
not eating, cutting, suicidal thought or actions. This also includes
revenge affairs. They solve nothing and these things will only create
more complicated problems.
- Attack the affair partner. Not only will the wayward spouse
want to defend the affair partner, but it can also land you in legal
trouble. See Stalking, Assault and Battery.
Do not give them any legal leverage. If things go from bad to worse,
these things could call your character into question with regards to
custody and divorce settlement. Protect yourself!
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Be sad....
You will be sad. You are grieving. You have
a substantial loss, even if the marriage stays together. Give yourself
time to grieve. Take care of yourself while you do. Eat right. Try to
get enough sleep. Take vitamins. Drink pleanty of water. Grieving is
hard work on your body.
Take the time to do something good for you. Get a new hairstyle.
Dress nicely. It boosts your self esteem, it is a an easy pick me up. | |
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Slip into depression....
Depression is seductive. It becemes a rut where you get stuck on the
side of the road. Depression is where you start putting up curtains in
your rut. Once you are in the rut it is hard to get out of it. Keep
moving....inertia welcomes depression. Do something, do anything! Get
the help of a counselor or clergy. Anti-depressants may be necessary
during this time. | |
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Use this as an opportunity to improve the marriage
Fix what led to the affair. Break down barriers. What have you got to lose? | |
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Use it as a way of manipulating the wayward spouse.
Guilt trips will not help. In fact, manipulation and NOT addressing
the real issues at work in the marriage may set you up for another
affair down the road. | |
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Gather a support system of friends
Rely and lean on your friends. Allow them to support you during this
time. Let them help with house work and child care, since these
everyday tasks can become overwelming during this time. | |
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Gather a support system of friends
Choose your friends wisely. Ideally, choose a friend of the same sex
to confide in. Recognize that you will be emotionally vulnerable and
rebound affairs have been borne out of comfort between friends.
Be aware that confiding in your family (sorry mom!) might not be a
wise thing. If the marriage stays together, then the family members
will have a running tally of wrongs committed byt the wayward spouse.
You may forgive, they may not.
Also, some friends will speak things into your mind that will
inflame anger and hatred. There will be enough of that without adding
fuel to the fire. | |
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Be relentless, be vigilent....
BEWARE....the affair partner is like a drug. One online psychologist
says that after disclosure he tells his patients to take a three week
vacation, somewhere far away, somewhere where the wayward spouse cannot
easily contact the partner. No phones, no computer access. It takes a
minimum of three weeks of zero contact to get through the worst of
withdrawals. For, there will be withdrawals. The chemicals of "being in
love" are stong. Being involved in an illicit affair also has a
component of excitment not present in a regular relationshsip. There is
always the possiblity of getting caught. They become used to the "high"
and many (my husband included) become adrenalin junkies. Any contact
with the affair partner during this time must be avoided if the
marriage is to have any chance.
Once the affair is ended it may take at least a year for the effects
of the "drug" to wear off. Watch out! Multiple d-days are common!
D. says this is one thing I did really right. I never stopped
demanding accountability, even when he hated my "invading his privacy".
It is what showed him that I was willing to be bold and to fight for my
marriage, for him, for us. We argued about this many times, but
ultimately the accoutability is what rebuilds trust. If I check up on
him at the golf course and he is really there, then it is proof
positive that he is telling the truth. If his phone records show not a
single call to her area code...again...it is concrete proof in my mind
that he is trustworthy. | |
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Don't drive yourself crazy....
I know you will. I did. Ask questions, find the truth, but remember
the answers will hurt and the images in your mind will never go away.
(Though they do lesson in intensity in time. I promise.) | |
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Trust
God.....A sparrow does not fall from the sky
that He is not aware of its descent. He knows. He is aware. He saves
your tears in His flask. He will not let you fall.
Your intuition....If your gut tells you something is amiss,
that is a pretty fair indicator that something is. Follow your
instincts.Ask God to confirm them. That is one prayer He answered
regularly for me.
Your spouse....If they are making a good faith effort to be
trustworthy, extend your trust. Remember the courage it took to admit
the affair and accept the consequences. There is incredible bravery in
doing that. | |
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Do not trust
The Affair Partner........This is
obvious. I had to learn this the hard way. They will lie to you. They
will say things to intentionally wound you. Handle them as if you had
just found a water moccasin in your toilet. They can also give you
information. But remember...water moccasin in the toilet. Handle with
extreme caution. | |
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Own your responsibility in what went wrong with the marriage
Marriages derail for a variety of reasons and it is almost never
solely the blame of one party. Something went wrong that set the
dominoes tumbling that made the affair not a possiblity but an
inevitability. Both parties have to be willing to take their share of
the responsiblity and do what they can to improve it. There can be no
martyrdom or victim-playing. By assuming the role of the victim, it
assumes that you are powerless. You are not powerless. Refuse to be
powerless.
It cannot be a trump card pulled out to win an arguement if reconcilataion is to happen. That is toxic to a marriage.
Part of the "getting through" is discovering the message of the
affair. Every affair has a message, a story that tells what went wrong
with the marriage and the part each spouse played in it. If a couple is
willing to examine it, and thereby examine themselves and their
marriage, then the marraige can emerge stronger and intact. This is not
an easy task, but well worth it. Marriages are worth saving (I hate
divorce.Malachi 2:16)
and divorce is not the automatic assumption for most people whose
marriage is touched by adultery. But you have to be willing to examine
yourself and see what is yours in the mess.
(Our message is in our "story". It took writing it out for me to
see it and almost two years worth of talking, so far. It has been worth
it.) | |
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Compare youself to the affair partner
In Torn Asunder,
the author relates how in his early days of counseling practice he
would insist that all three parites .... the married couple and the
affair partner come in for couseling. He said inevitabley when he would
see the affair partner his reaction would be, "Wow. If I was going to
have an affair, it would not be with this person!" It was funny, our
marriage couselor said the same thing.
Statistically, the affair partner is about as attractive or less attractive than the spouse.
The affair partner is more likened to a feeble attempt at an antidepressant.
The affair and the choice of the affair partner really is not about
you at all. It is more about something within the psychological make up
of the wayward spouse, something that was present before you even met
them. The affair partner is not there because they were "destined" to
be together, the affair partner is just the person who happened to be
there at the time. If it was not that person, it would have been
somebody else.
The affair is more about the fantasy and the role the affair partner palys in that fantasy.
We try to assume some control of our situation by self-blame or self loathing. This is a fallacy. (I have to tell myself this over and over again. One day I might believe it.) | |
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Talk to others who have been there.
It helps to know that people can survive this and emerge stronger people. | |
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Do not take on other's pain
Other people's stories can also become a trigger and their anger and hurt can fuel your own. Know your limits. | |
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Love each other
Romance each other. Love your spouse. They have to know that they
have not totally destroyed you. They have to know that you are still
willing to love them despite all the ugliness of the affair. Feel. Work
through.
Forgive. | |
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Do not go into automatic forgiveness mode to save the marriage
You have to work through all of the garbage. You have to. There are
no quick fixes. There are no short cuts. By automatically forgiving the
spouse and sweeping it under the rug (ok, we're done with that, let's
move on.) the emotions are still there, sequestered somewhere, stewing.
This fake forgiveness will ultimately be just as toxic to the marriage
as the affair itself.
Forgiveness is a journey. We make the first step in faith. We keep
walking in faith even when we are tired and the destination seems
elusive. Forgiveness is a God thing. One day we arrive. | | | | |
| The affair story...Cliff Notes version.
The long version...with all the raw emotion (and foul
language....I was an angry woman) is contained in the early posts
here on xanga. I began writing as a means of expressing the anger and
the hurt. It is protected, due to the nature of this story, but if you
would like to read it ask me to be on the protected list.
D. and I have been married 17 years, together for 19. We have four children.
The affair began after a series of life changing events.... D. was
fired from a job he loved, financial ruin followed, our DD was
molested, pregnancy losses and infertility.... a bunch of stuff.
The affair started when he had known "Jackie" all of two
weeks. She was a coworker. She is a waitress, 15 years his
junior, currently in her 3rd marriage. He tried to end it
when I became pregnant with our fourth child, then she turned up
pregnant too, only to miscarry. It is my suspicion that she never was
really pregnant and it was a manipulation to keep the affair going.
The affair continued.
He cofinded about the affair to our pastor (also his best
friend) who told him to END IT. He did not, but continued to speak
to his friend about it.
The affair continued and deepened in emotional intensity. In the
meantime, I went into preterm labor and was on
bed-rest/hospitalized for the remainder of my pregnancy, completely
unaware of the affair, but knowing something was not right with our
marriage..
Our first d-day (disclosure) was two weeks before the birth of our
child in Feb. of 2003. I found gifts from her that he had
hidden in his car and her makeup in his car. I confronted him and he
admitted to the affair.
It stayed ended for a short time, but resumed as these things often
do. She was very aggressive in pursuing him...almost
stalking him, always free for no string attached booty calls. She was
very aggressive sexually. He was convinced that he was in love with her.
He quit his job becasue he knew that if our marriage was to have any
chance, she had to be out of his life completely. He started a new
line of work. She persisted....she came to our house and hid a love
letter in the big tree in the front yard. The affair resumed.
D-day number 2 was in June 2003...cell phone records revealed that
there was still contact. Even though he told her that it was
over, she continued the stalking type behavior...calling his cell phone
96 times in two days (he refused to answer it) calling at his place of
employment, etc.
It stayed ended for about 2 weeks, then resumed again. One sexual
encounter (to the best of my knowledge) but daily contact
through phone calls and occassional lunch meetings at the restaurant
where she worked...but she was on the clock, so sex wasn't possible.
I found out again by cell phone records. He ended it.
Again.
She kept calling.
Again.
We got a temporary restraining order. The calls stopped. I was about
to lose my mind at this point. I have never hurt so badly. It is only
the grace of God that got me through those days.
When we appeared in court, the restraining order was not granted
due to the fact that the contact up until that point was consentual,
but the judge said that if she made any further attempts to contact
him, it would be granted with no further hearing on the matter.
To the best of my knowledge, there has been no further contact between D. and Jackie.
We are reconciling and God is restoring our marriage.
"Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope, a
reorganization of thought, and a reconstruction of dreams. Once
forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete,
meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to
create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's
events." -Beverly Flanigan
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| Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [1]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
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