A messed up Mission Briefing
Commander Antilles: Lieutenant Kettch, please stand up.
(Collection of laughs from the group, Wedge looks aroud as if to say, "What's funny?")
(Corran Horn stands up)
Corran: Um, sir, Lieutenant Kettch is standing up.
(Wedge becomes flustered and his face turns red, everyone laughs)
Wes Janson: (Grinning)Yub, yub Commander!
(More laughing)
Wedge: Lt. Kettch, would you please describe to us your plan for taking over the world?
Lt. Kettch: I think we should raid the planet and attack the people with sticks and stones!
(Proudly) YUB, YUB!!!
(The laughing stops and everyone stares at Kettch)
Wedge: Umm...that's agood...um...idea...anyone else?
(Face Loran and Ton Phanan stand)
Face: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, doc?
Ton: (Crazy look in his eyes) Yes, Face, but where are we going to get pink plastic socks?
Face: I know! The Commander's bedroom, he has a stock of them in his drawer!
Ton: (Grins) Okay...
Wedge: Ummm...I'd like to know what you're thinking!
Voort "Piggy" SaBinring: I don't.
Corran: (Grins)I would.
Wedge: Nevermind, I don't want to know anymore. We just need some reasonable ideas here.
(Janson stands)
Janson: Well...
(Wedge points to him)
Wedge: Not from you!
(Janson cowers down in terror and runs behing and chair)
Janson: (Calling from behind the chair) But sir....
Wedge: Shut up!
(Dia Passik to Face)
Dia: I think he's going to go insane.
(Laughter)
Wes: But Wedge...don't you want to show them your socks-
Wedge: SHUT UP!! (Glares at Wes)(His face turns redder)
(Wes crawls over to where Wedge is standing)
Wes: But sir, you have them on now, see!
(Wes pulls Wedge's pant leg up so everyone can see his pink socks)
Wedge: INSUBORDINATION!
Wes: But, but, but, but....
Wedge: No but's about it!!
Wes: (Whiny) WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Wedge: (Commanding-makes sense, he's a Commander) GO TO YOUR ROOM!!! And take my-I mean your-I mean my pink socks with you!!
(Points menacingly at Wes with really, really red face)
Wes: But, sir, this is a mission briefing!
Wedge: I don't care, just go to your room!!
(Wes scrambles off to his room)
(Wes left a package for Wedge though. Wedge picks it up and opens the box to find.....dun dun DUN!!! Another box!!!)
Wedge: What the duck?!?!?
Corran: Ummmm....sir...I think it's a box....
Wedge: (hysterical) I know that!!!
Corran: (sheepishly) Uhh...Sorry sir! I knew that you knew that....
(Wedge opens the box to find more boxes. In the last box there are the lyrics to a sacred song)
Wedge: A long long time ago in a galaxy far away, Naboo... Where's Naboo?
Wes: (runs in) It's in the Outer Rim....I think...
Wedge: What are you doing here! I thought I told you to go to your room!
Wes: (waving his hand like a Jedi) You didn't tell me to go to my room...
Wedge: What!?! Yes, I did.
Wes: (waving hand like a Jedi again) You didn't tell me to go to my room....
Wedge: Uh...yes I did!!
Wes: (waves his hand like a Jedi again..) You didn't tell me to---
Corran: (interrupts) Let me try. (waves his hand like a Jedi) You didn't tell Wes to go to his room....
Wedge: (mindlessly) I didn't tell Wes to go to his room.
Ton: Wow, the Force is strong in this Rogue pilot!!
(Corran nods his head. Flight Officers Clawson and Rorick enter the briefing room.)
F.O. Clawson: What the duck are you guys talking about?!?
Face: Well, basically the Commander's pink socks.....
Wedge: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Face: (grins) I mean Wes's pink socks.
Wes: They aren't mine they're Commander's. (points at Wedge)
F.O. Rorick: Ummmmm....Ok....
Corran: (waves his hand like a Jedi at everyone in the whole room.) You never heard anything about pink socks, and I have just come up with the perfect plan for taking over the world.
(Everyone repeats what Corran said, except Tyria.)
Tyria: Your mind tricks won't work on me, Jedi (glares evilly)
Corran: Ummmm-just play along! Please?!?!
Tyria: Ha! Play along with your ideas....never!!!!
Corran: grrrrr just shut up!
Tyria: NO.
Corran: Please....I'll do anything!
Tyria: (gets evil look in eyes) Anything?
Corran: Well......
Tyria: Would you get back together with Erisi?
Corran: No!!! I'll never get back with Erisi!! I never was with Erisi!!!!
Tyria: Well, then......
Wedge: What's going on? I thought you had a plan Corran..
Corran: (glares at Tyria) Well...I do.
Wedge: Well then? What is it?
Corran: Uhhhh.....ummmm....well...
Tyria: He doesn't have a plan! He used a Jedi Mind Trick on all of you!!
Corran: What?? What are you talking about?
Tyria: You know what I mean!
(Corran and Tyria break out into a full force-throwing things around the room - lightsaber duel)
Corran: Where did you get a lightsaber??
Tyria: Ha! You'll never know.....
Wes: Wow..such a pretty light show!!!
(Wedge shakes his head)
Hobbie: Bright....Light....
(Wedge calls security)
Wedge: (speaking into comlink) What? What do you mean that all security is off duty?!?
Person: Ummmm...Sir you said security could have the day off....
Wedge: No, I didn't.
Person: Uh...yes you did.
Wedge: No I.....umm...nevermind...
(Wedge gets a look of confusion on his face.)
Wedge: (into comlink) Well, then, if everyone is off duty. Why are you there?
Person: Ummm...well...ummm... boring conversation anyway.(Blaster sounds)
Wedge: Well that's great. Hey! That must have been Han!
Corran( stops in midflight) Han?
Wedge: Nevermind....
(Swicth to SSD Big Foot bridge)
Admiral Daala: Imperial Cadet McClary!
I.C.McClary: What?
A.D.: Why are you at the snack machine instead of your post?
I.C.M.: I was hungry. I wanted some pineapples and brownies.
A.D.: Pineapples and brownies? I think you are a Rebel, you will be sent into space for your treason!
I.C.M.: But, but, but...
(A.D. waves her hand and 60 stormtroopers struggle under the weight of I.C.M. as they try to carry her off)
I.C.M.: You haven't seen the last of me!
A.D.: That's right we only saw the front!
I.C.M.: Why you skinny little *beep*!
A.D.: Shut the duck up you fat little cow!!!
(The 60 stormtroopers throw the cow...umm I mean I.C.M. out the air dock.)
I.C.M. Ha ha ha!!! The hard vaccuum environment will not penetrate my fat!!!!
A.D.: Focus all turbolaser batteries on her!!
Imperial Lt.: As you wish Admiral, On my mark!! Fire!!!!
(The turbolasers fire on I.C.M. and blow her up. Chunks of fat hit the ship)
I.L.: Shields are failing!!!
A.D.: Duck her!!!!!!!!!!
I.L.: Tie fighters, get to your ships and destroy the chunks of fat!
(Now we all know how Admiral Daala was really defeated!)
(Commander Antilles decides this is getting boring and decides to forcibly pan the camera back to the briefing room.)
(Tyria cuts a chunk of hair out of Corran's head.)
Corran: HEY! That's not fair...wait a minute...that looks good!!
(Corran gives a dashing smile)
Wes: (grinning) Yeah, next everyone on Coruscant will be wearing their hair like that!
(Luke runs in.)
Luke: Yeah! Biggs gave me this haircut on Tatooine!
(He notices Corran and Tyria both have lightsabers)
Luke: Ummmm....did I miss something?
Corran: (shuts his lightsaber off) Ummm...no.
(All of a sudden an evacuation bell sounds.)
Wedge: Oh, no....that one is reserved for chunks of fat hurtling toward hte ship!
(Wes is still sitting in the chair staring at nothing while everyone else evacuates the orbital station.)
Wes: (Snaps out of his daze.) Huh!? Where id everybody go? (hears door slam.) What?! (hears alarm) Chunks of FAT!!! Oh, no! WAIT FOR ME!!!!!( runs out the door waving his hands above his head.) Hey, stop! Come back!! Wait!!!Argh...(sees ship pulling out of dock.) Oh, well I guess I'll just have to hope the shields can hold. (sees VERY large chunk of fat outside the magcon shield.)
Wes: COME BAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!!! (whimpering runs and hides in the the most central room on the station.)
Wes: (picks up comlink) Come back guys. Please.
Person: Ummmmmm...*click*
Wes: (starts to bawl) I'm going to die!! What will hte universe do without me?
(Aboard departing ship)
Antilles: Who was that?
Officer: Ummmm..... no one sir. Uhhh...prank call....
Antilles: Are you sure it wasn't General Briggs??
Officer: Ummm...well... I could use *69, sir.
Antilles: Alright.
Officer: (dials *69) Hello , are you General Briggs?
Wes: No, but come back..
Officer: Ummm... nevermind...*click*
Wes: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Officer: Ummmm....It was...uhhh....Lieutenant Janson, sir.
Antilles: Janson? Ummm...should we go back and get him?
Corran: Why sir?? He's just an annoying little cry baby.
Officer 2: Tie Fighters! Incoming!
(Looks at Commander)
Antilles: (over "PA" system) all snubfighters pilots to your fighters! GO GO GO!!!
(Wedge hops like a bunny rabbit to the officers stations that reported the TIEs)
Wedge: (sees no enemy fighters on screen) Where are the TIEs?
Officer 2: Umm...well sir, I just did that to get rid of Corr- I meen Lieutenant Horn, sir.
(Wedge smiles)
Wedge: Good, good. Let's go back and pick up Lieutenant Janson. Hurry!
Officer 2: Yes sir! (turns the ship around and heads back to orbital station)
Corran: (in fighter ticked off) GRRRRRR.....those jerks. (calls Wedge on comlink) Ummmmm, sir, there don't seem to be any fighters out here.
Wedge: Oh....ummmm...well..*click*
Corran: (turns his figher aroudn and starts to fire on the ship) Hahahaha!! I'll get you my pretty and your little Wes too!!
(All of a sudden, a green witch with a long nose and warts flys by on a bicycle with a dog in the basket that looks strangely like Wes.)
Corran: Ummmm... I think you're in the wrong movie...
Witch: Then don't quote my lines!!
Corran: Yes, sir! I mean, ma'am!
(The witch disappears and leaves Corran with a weird look)
(Wedge does something and something happens)
Officer: Ummm...sir... what did you do?
Wedge: Errrr... something....
Officer: Well, ummm, yes, that's...uhhh...good.
(Wes sees the crusier)
Wes: SAVE ME!!!!
Wedge: I'm sorry, I can't! There isn't anymore space left to put anyone else.
Wes: I don't care! Tie me to the hull!!!
Wedge: Uhhh....yeah sure, but you'll die....wait a minute...that's not too bad an idea!
Wes: Are you planning my demise Wedge?
Wedge: Of course I am.............................not. I mean, why would I want to do something like that?
Wes: I don't know......Wedge put out your hand...
(Wedge complies. Wes hits his hand saying "Bad, bad Wedge!")
Wedge: Insubordination......
Wes: Hrmmmm? What? Did you say something?
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This Concludes Today's Show!! What will happen to poor Wes, aboard the doomed orbital station? Whatever became of Admiral Daala? Will the chunks of fat travel to new dimensions entirely and meet extragalactic beings hoping to take over the galaxy? Who knows? No one knows because this is the unseen, uncut, unpublished, unpatented, unwritten, and unknown episode of Star Wars!!!!