From ‘The Dalesdill Press'
December 5, 2003
Alana I. Capria- Staff Writer

‘Marlons' Aunt Plagues Dalesdill University'

Recently, Dalesdill has suffered from an outbreak of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) that has managed to affect over 75% of the population, the Health and Wellness Center has officially stated. Administration is now baffled over the cause of the outbreak and all sources point to the most probable cause, Marlons' Aunt.
Sadly, the diseased wench that has been turning heads in the West Hudson area has managed to get herself over to Montclair and into the student party scene. There, the woman has seduced drunken frat boys and taken all their money. Drug addicts on campus have also been seduced and woken up to find that the drugs that they had bought with their life savings has now been ingested by Marlon's aunt.
According to DU President, Vivian Mae Allen, "Marlons' Aunt has brought with her the dawn of a new era. Education is no longer going to be at the forefront of future generations. Instead, it seems as though prostitution and drug addiction may be the future trend. The student body has almost been completely wiped out and those who are left are quickly joining Marlons' Aunt's new prostitution/drug ring."
The homosexual population at DU has also suffered greatly. Males have been turned straight due to Marlons' Aunt expertise and now the female race will be vying for a chance to have a mate. Sources says that the male to female ratio is now up to 1:5. That means one thing, men. You are going to be very lucky indeed. Enjoy it while it lasts because unfortunately, that ratio is going to be dwindling down very soon due to the fact that Marlons' Aunt has also gotten her claws into the female population. Lesbians have become even more content on spending their life with individuals who share the same anatomy and straight woman are quickly becoming Marlons' Aunt sex fiends. According to Junior, Jessica Marshall, "I always thought that my boyfriend was the most amazing lover. But then I met Marlons' Aunt and she knew everything that I had always wanted while in bed. I will never go back to another man as long as I live." Sad, isn't it, boys?
Suicide rates have also been found to have increased drastically within the last two weeks. Heartbroken young women whose boyfriends left them for Marlon's aunt's chlamydia ridden lips have hurled themselves off the roof of Bohn Hall while young men who have slept with Marlon's Aunt wake up to find that their penis' have rotted off. The shock of having lost their manhood has proven to be too much for these poor lads to handle and they too have found themselves as mere corpses in the basin located on the very outskirts of campus. The Office of Statistics has estimated that in the following month, there will be a funeral taking place three times every two minutes. Do the math and you'll see that that number ends up surpassing the number of enrolled students on campus. Why? Because they also took into consideration the number of individuals who have been affected in the areas of Dalesdill, Clifton, and Little Falls.
For the record, if my math is right, that will be 66, 960 funerals. That should be right. So you can see that if this trend continues, within the next twenty years, the human race should be completely eradicated. And that's not counting deaths that aren't involved with Marlon's aunt in any way, although my sources state that there aren't much of those anymore. Oh yeah, bodies that haven't been identified yet aren't included either. Just thought that you'd like to know.
Police Chief, Jeff Brody, said on Monday afternoon, that Marlon's aunt is "thought of as the newest plague, the black death of the 21st century. The bitch is going to be the death of us all. Do you know how hard it is to stay out of the line of fire when your penis is rotting off as you shoot your gun and you know that once you get home, your wife is going to be begging for sex but you're not going to be wanting to give it to her because if you do, you know that you're fucking cock is going to be dropping to the ground right there and if you see the fact that her vagina is oozing white pus and is filled with sores that are red and blistering and ready to pop... oh god. I'm going to vomit." Brody shot himself in the head with a revolver following that statement. The pictures that were taken have yet to be released to the Dalesdill Press for fear of a lawsuit. Marlons' Aunt has also sent a letter bomb to the editor of the paper along with a threat that if this report is released, she'll make sure that we get every disease that she has so that our body parts rot off as well. But I wasn't supposed to say that... oh shit. Does this look like it's sagging a little? Oh god... I think that part of me is rotting off...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


*Assistant Editor's note*
Because the editor got letter bombed, I have to bring you this notice. The reporter who brought this to you, Alana I. Capria, was found to have contracted some sort of disease that has become associated with those brought to the public by Marlon's aunt. She is currently in the hospital being treated and while she writes out her memoir about the horrors of being sought out by the whore known as Marlon's aunt she asked that I give a special someone out there a message.

Dear asshole,

The fucking doctors said that since I didn't have any relations with Marlons' aunt and that I probably got sick from having unprotected sex with someone that had. Matt, if I find out that your obsession with Marlon's aunt led to you sleeping with her even one time, I will kill you once I figure out how to climb out of this hospital bed. So help me god, you will pay. Do you actually think that I like knowing that my boobs may end up suffering from this disease? I'm very proud of my chest and you've ruined it for me. Just you wait. Your dick is going to pay. Hold me back. Someone had better hold me back.

*Assistant Editor's note... continued*

While in the hospital, Alana has been brought to the psychiatric wing so as to work past her aggressiveness and try to see that her boyfriend was also a victim of the plague brought about by Marlon's aunt. According to doctors, she is still a raving lunatic. But close friends and family members say that that statement is really no surprise to them at all. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she's a bona fide psychopath.