As chocolate merchants and greeting-card shops everywhere are doubtless aware, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. “Big, fat, hairy deal, Mr. Love God,” I hear you say. “I have no reason to celebrate this day set aside for lovers everywhere because, despite my best efforts, I have been unable to capture the heart of the one I love.”
Never fear, you poor, pitiful loser, you; I am here to set your world straight. So, listen up, all you Amorous Arthurs, Lovestruck Lionels, Heartsick Harolds, and even Slightly Interested Samuels, as I offer to you the following batch of proven methods for melting the heart of any woman. Just follow my advice, and you’ll be up to your armpits in affection before you know it. (People who are offended by just about anything may stop reading and start composing nasty e-mails at this point.)
Changing your cologne can do wonders. Adopting the unmistakable scent of her ex-boyfriend might be just the thing to help you get your foot in the door.
Surprise phone calls when that special someone is least expecting to hear from you can tip the scales in your favor. If you’re stumped on what to say over the phone, try some proven icebreakers, like, “Those jeans look really nice on you.” Or just go straight to the ever reliable standby, heavy breathing and panting.
Never underestimate the effect of a simple Valentine card in expressing your truest feelings. Some carefully chosen words like “I never thought anyone could look so radiant in a bathrobe and head towel until I looked in your window at 11:30 last night” will make her putty in your hands.
Surprise that special someone with a box of chocolates. For an added effect, go to a novelty store and purchase candy fashioned into shapes I can’t specify here; it will be all the better in helping you make your point.
Don’t keep your love to yourself: Tell everyone! One way of accomplishing this is by spray-painting your special lady’s name and phone number on an overpass or pay phone on the south end of town.
Above all, never give up. Even if she says a dozen times, “Stop following me around, you creep, or I’m going to Mace you,” keep at it. Once she realizes that two or three facefuls of pepper spray don’t seem to phase you, she’ll see it’s just not worth the effort to avoid you.
Well, I hope that these invaluable tips help fill your Valentine’s Day with romance and warm fuzzies. If, for some reason, these time-tested tricks fail to capture the heart of your intended, don’t despair. That’s more money to spend on beer and nachos! Unless, of course, she has you locked up, in which case you could end up making a love connection with a beefy fellow named Rocco, which would make your Valentine’s Day a success after all. Vivà L’Amour!