As we left 2000 behind, I thought it would be appropriate to take a few minutes and talk with the two men who captivated our country this past year-but then Eli�n and the Fat Naked Gay Guy from Survivor canceled on me, so I decided to talk with Bush and Gore instead. Enjoy!
BJ: �How does it feel to be our country�s newest president, Mr. Bush?�
Dubya: �Oh, it feels great, man! It�s like that one time where they made me governor of that big state-only now I�m governor of all the states!!�
BJ: �Mr. Gore, how are you dealing with the disappointment of losing?�
Al: �I�m doing quite well, thank you. Every morning I wake up, go into the bathroom, close the door, and stand in front of the mirror for ten minutes, wailing, �Why, oh God, why?� Then I go on about my day.�
BJ: �Mr. Bush, what will be your first major act as president?�
Dubya: �I�m gonna walk into the White House and flush the Presidential Toilet, even if I don�t have to go at the moment!�
BJ: �Mr. Gore, what has comforted you in this time of disappointment?�
Al: �The knowledge that, some day, democracy will fail, and when that happens, my troops will strike quickly, and there will be no stopping the terror which follows, and in the end, I will be Supreme Ruler of all of North Ameri . . . .�
BJ: �Excuse me, Mr. Gore, you have some drool on the side of your mouth.�
Al: �Can I change my answer? I meant to say, �my faith in God.��
BJ: �Mr. Bush, what is your honest opinion of Mr. Gore?�
Dubya: �Gore is a pansy!�
Al: �Am not!�
Dubya: �Are too!�
Al: �Am not!�
Dubya: �Are too! Hey, leggo my hair!�
Al: �Quiet, you daddy�s boy! Ow, no fair biting!�
BJ: �Gentlemen, please! I thought we were putting aside partisan bickering! There�s no need for violence!�
Mysterious New Voice: �That�s it! I�ve had enough! This has gone too far!�
BJ: �Why, it�s . . . it�s . . . Ralph Nader!�
Ralph: �Correct you are, my friend-and while one of these clowns has to be president, there�s no need for them to conduct themselves this way! Aren�t you two ashamed of yourselves?�
Al: �But, Ralph, he started it!�
Ralph: �Don�t �but Ralph� me! Now apologize, both of you!�
Al: �I�m sorry, George. I shouldn�t have called you a daddy�s boy.�
Dubya: �Oh, I�m sorry, too, Al. I shouldn�t have called you a pansy.�
Ralph: �Now let�s see some hugging!�
Al: �Come here, you Lone Star State beer-swiller!�
Dubya: �Come here, you Volunteer State automaton!�
BJ: �Aww, isn�t that sweet?�
Ralph: �Sweet, indeed. But now I must be going, for the Bat-Signal fills the night sky!� [Ralph dons a cape and mask and swings away on a grappling hook.]
Al: �Hey, how about that? Ralph Nader is really Batman! You know, he should really be president!�
Dubya: �Shut up, you punk; I�m the President now!�
Al: �Stop shoving, you redneck!�
BJ: �Hey, guys, remember what Ralph said?�
Dubya: �Oh, you�re right, Newspaper Guy. Come on, Al, I�ll buy you a beer!�
Al: �Can I drive your car?�
Dubya: �Forget it, you�d get your Gore germs all over the wheel!�
Al: �Come on, just let me drive!�
Dubya: �No way, I�m driving, so just forget abou . . . . Hey, look, a nickel!�
As I left, I felt a glow in my heart, knowing that Al and Dubya had put aside their political differences, at least for one night, and I felt a surge of gratitude when I looked up and saw the Ralph-Signal, still burning high in the night sky.
