Chapter 1
Despite the fact that I�m so young, I have lived a very eventful life. The stories about me are many and therefore I think it�s time that I get to tell the truth about myself. I don�t expect that you will believe me, but at least I have tried to tell my story.
I was born in New York 1859. I don�t know the exact date and it�s not important anyway. My name at this time was Henry McCarty. My mother�s name was Catherine and my brother�s was Joseph. I never knew my father and my mother hardly ever talked about him.
When I still was a small boy, we moved from New York. After having moved several times we finally ended up in New Mexico, which I now consider to be my home. There my mother met a man, William Antrim, who she later married and we settled down in Silver City. Joseph and I never liked our stepfather very much, but we rarely showed it, since we loved our mother much more.
At this time, when I was just fourteen, the fire in my blood had not been lit yet. I still was a nice boy, who did well in school. Of course it happened that I did some pranks, but what small boy doesn�t? You could see no signs of the man I would be just a few years later in that young boy.
I clearly remember the time my world fell apart. My mother, who had long suffered from tuberculosis, got worse. I remember with grief all the nights I sat by her bed and watched her go through endless attacks of coughing. The strong and happy woman she once was, was gone. Now there was just a fragment of her left and the spark of life was fading a little every day. The 16th of September 1874 was my mother�s last day alive. Late that afternoon Joseph and I stood by her bed and watched her leave us forever. I can�t help thinking about how different my life would have been if my mother hadn�t died when I was young. Then I probably wouldn�t have been the hunted man I am today. My normal life ended the same day hers did.
Now it might sound like I blame my mother for the way my life turned out, but I don�t. It wasn�t her fault she died. There was nothing she could do. If anyone is to be blamed for who I turned out to be, it�s my stepfather, who promised to take care of me and Joseph. He left us pretty soon and became a gold-miner instead.
It was now that my wilder side started to show. In the beginning it was just minor crimes, which didn�t hurt anybody. A short time after my mother died I ended up in jail for the first time. For a crime I was innocent of, I might add. Sombrero Jack, a friend of mine, stole some clothes from a laundry and asked me to hide the loot. Guess who got blamed for the theft? So I found myself being locked up for the first time in my life and it was then I realized how much freedom means to me. I can�t breathe in a prison. I rather die by a bullet than spend the rest of my life in jail. My first escape went through a chimney. Since I was small and thin, I had no trouble getting out.
Now my life on the run began. I left my brother in Silver City and I will never see him again. For a long time I drifted in New Mexico. I got some small jobs here and there, so that I at least survived. I learned how to use a gun and a rifle. I have never felt so lonely, as I did during that time. I met a lot of people, but no one cares about a skinny boy, with ragged clothes and a gun in his belt. But I decided that one day I would show them that I also was worth something. I would become the most famous man in New Mexico, maybe in America.
Chapter 2
Another incident that effected my life a lot is what happened in Fort Grant. I was about 18 years old when I got there. I hadn�t had a real home for years and something told me I wasn�t going to find it there either. The people there just looked at me with uninterested eyes when I came walking. I began to be known as "the Kid". No one cared to learn my real name. When I think about it no one has called me Henry since I left Silver City. It feels like I didn't have an identity, when nobody knew my name. I never thought a name could mean so much.
I started hanging in the saloon and learned more about poker and monte than I had in Silver City. It was there I met the man, who started my violent career, the blacksmith Cahill. I have never met someone I disliked as much as him, not even in the Lincoln County War. He loved to tease me and I sure wasn�t going to put up with it. I have a limit and when you reach that, it�s not healthy to be around me. Cahill learned that one night in the saloon. As usually he started to tease me, but this time I said the same things about him. Then he threw himself upon me and began to hit me. Since I was so small, I knew I didn�t have a chance against him, so when I saw the revolver he had in his belt, I snatched it and shot him in the belly. He fell off me and the saloon went quiet. All that was heard was Cahill�s moans, as he twisted with pain on the floor. I stood there frozen a short while and looked at the hand, which held the gun that just shot a man. I was terrified of what I had done, but at the same time I had a sense of power, rising inside of me. With a gun in my hand I was the ruler of the world. I also knew that I would never be able to put down my weapons for the rest of my life.
I instantly left Fort Grant and after a few days I heard that Cahill died from the wound I gave him. They called it murder, but to me it was self-defense. Nobody wanted to help me and I didn�t want to let Cahill beat me to death, so what choice did I have?
A little later the same year I met Jesse Evans and his gang of thieves and killers. When I joined them I got to see all the dark sides of humanity. I have never met anyone more cruel and hard than the men in that gang. The ones who call me a monster haven�t seen much. I�m a saint compared to them.
It was also now that I ended up in the Lincoln County War. Jesse Evans was working for Dolan, so I also did that a while. The war was a merchant-and cattle-war with Murphy, Dolan and Riley on one side and Chisum, McSween and Tunstall on the other.
Pretty soon I grew tired of Jesse Evans and his gang and after a quarrel I left them. If they had known that we soon would find ourselves on different sides of the war, they probably wouldn�t have let me leave the gang alive and there wouldn�t have been any Billy the Kid.
Chapter 3
If I had known what would happen in just a few months I would have gone right by Tunstall�s ranch without stopping that December-day 1877. Instead I asked if he could use another man and he sure could. He probably suspected that the war, which until now had been fought with paper and pen, would soon become more violent. I had now taken the name William H. Bonney, but most called me Billy, or Kid.
I liked it at Tunstall�s ranch. Everyone treated me well and for the first time in years I had a home. It�s quite possible that I would have settled down there, but fate wanted otherwise.
At this time the situation in Lincoln County was very tense. The whole territory was like a powder-keg and the smallest spark would make it explode. That spark came the 18th of February, when I, several of Tunstall�s men and Tunstall himself were on our way to Lincoln. Suddenly we saw some turkeys and some of the men rode away to chase them. Ironically it was these birds that caused Tunstall�s death.
We, who stayed with Tunstall, saw a group of men approaching from behind us. We quickly understood that we had no chance against them and started to ride for cover. Tunstall realized too late what was happening and was surrounded by the men. Billy Morton, Jesse Evans and Tom Hill shot him and all we could do was watch. I still curse myself for not doing anything! Even if it would have been the end of my life, I maybe could have taken some of Tunstall�s murderers to the grave with me.
That I should have sworn to revenge Tunstall�s death by his grave is simply one of the many stories about me. I was in jail when they buried him, but from inside my cell I swore revenge. This was just the beginning of the bloody war that would affect the entire New Mexico.
When I later was released from jail I joined the now almost legendary Regulators which was led by Tunstall�s foreman Dick Brewer. Our only goal was to take revenge on Tunstall�s murderers and in the beginning we even had the law on our side.
The first who felt our wrath were Frank Baker and Billy Morton. Many say that I killed them, but I wasn�t even present when they were shot. I had gone a little ahead to make sure no one was coming towards us, but I can�t say I was sad when I heard what happened. I gladly would have put a bullet in them.
Next man on our list was sheriff Brady. Several of the men who were there when Tunstall was killed were his deputies and it was widely known that Brady was on the Murphy-Dolan-Riley-side. The day he met his fate was April 1st 1878. A prefect day to take care of a liar. I, Frank McNab, John Middleton, Fred Waite, Jim French and Henry Brown had hidden behind an adobe wall in Lincoln. When we saw Brady, Billy Mathews, George Hindman, George Peppin and John Long come walking down the street we opened fire. Brady and Hindman died almost instantly, but the others ran. When I walked out into the street to get a rifle Brady had taken from me when he arrested me earlier, Mathews shot me in the left thigh. You can�t possibly understand the pain you feel when you are shot unless you have experienced it yourself. The wound is burning like fire and you can feel the strength leaving you. Despite that I managed to take cover again and not long afterwards we rode out of Lincoln.
Most people consider the murder of Brady and his deputy our largest mistake, because now we no longer had the protection of the law. But I say Brady deserved it. A sheriff shouldn�t pick sides after how large the pocketbook of the fighting sides is.
Chapter 4
In the beginning it looked like we would win the war. We won most of the battles and no Regulator had been killed yet. That changed when we reached Blazer�s Mill a few days after Brady�s death. We sat in a house and ate dinner and discussed what we were going to do next. Some said that it could be enough now, that Tunstall�s death was revenged, but I refused to accept that kind of talk. His death isn�t revenged until everyone who was involved in the murder is dead and there are still a lot left.
Suddenly Buckshot Roberts arrived at Blazer�s Mill. He was also on our list. It soon turned out that he wouldn�t surrender and a gunfight started. Roberts barricaded himself inside a small building and from there he managed to kill Dick Brewer and wound several others before he died. Brewer was a good man and it�s never good for a group to lose it�s leader. Before the war officially ended a few months later we would have had several different leaders.
It was now a young man, Tom O�Folliard joined us. He and I instantly became friends and he hardly ever left my side. The battles continued, but what usually counts as the end of the war happened in the middle of July 1878. The battle in Lincoln, which is known as the five-day-war. All the Regulators had gathered in McSween�s house and there we were surrounded by Dolan�s men, together with the new sheriff, Peppin. The bullets started flying and many were wounded. Several of the men inside the house almost got crazy of fear, but I remained calm all the time, something I was already known for. The strange thing with that battle is that I kept hearing the song "Auld lang syne" inside my head all the time. I even started to hum it to myself at the same time as I tried to hit the men outside. The men around me must have thought that I had lost my mind too.
Both sides were equally strong in the beginning, but when we after a few days saw the army ride into Lincoln, the power balance shifted in Dolan�s favor.
"This is illegal!" cried McSween, who had always believed in the Bible and the Law.
"I don�t think they care about that anymore," I answered. "They want to end this right now."
Even if the soldiers didn�t participate in the battle, they made us more careful. We knew, that if a soldier was hurt, their leader, Dudley, would order an attack on the house and we wouldn�t have a chance.
The battle ended when Dolan�s men managed to set fire to the house. They had realized that we weren�t going to surrender, so they tried to force us out. The fire spread through the rooms and the smoke burned in our lungs. We knew that we had to get out of the house soon, if we didn�t want to die in there. When the night came we got ready to get out. We split up in two groups and Tom and I were in the first one. When we stood at the door and checked that our guns were loaded, I put a hand on Tom�s shoulder and said: "If you don�t feel alive now, you never will." He answered with a resolute smile and then I jerked the door open and rushed out.
It took a while before Dolan�s men discovered what was going on, but then they let the bullets rain down on us and we responded the best we could. I think I killed at least one man, but it was hard to tell in the dark.
Most people in the first group got away alive, but it was worse for the second group. Now Dolan�s men were ready and the group was met by another rain of bullets. Several men, among them McSween, would never see the sun rise again.
After the five-day-war and McSween�s death everyone thought the Lincoln war was over, but it wasn�t to me. I wasn�t going to give up that easily. I became the leader of the gang and the Regulators continued to make life a hell for Dolan supporters, but in the fall of 1878 the gang split up. The only ones remaining were Tom and I. Both very young, but already war-veterans.
Chapter 5
Two people can�t fight a war against a superior enemy and by the end of the year I also started to get tired of this life. I explained my plan to Tom. We would make peace with Dolan, who also wanted to see the end of the Lincoln County war and then we would buy a ranch somewhere in New Mexico. William H. Bonney would disappear and never again raise a gun.
But once again fate wanted something else. I was obviously born to live the outlaw life. Tom and I met Dolan and some of his men, among them Jesse Evans and we made peace, but the deal was broken the same evening, when Evans, Dolan and Bill Campbell shot Susan McSween�s lawyer, Huston Chapman.
Not long after that the new governor, Lew Wallace, declared amnesty for all those involved in the Lincoln County war. Unfortunately the amnesty didn�t apply to me, since I was already charged with murder. There was never an easy way out for me and there probably never will be either. But I soon found another way, that might save me. Wallace wanted to find witnesses of the murder of Chapman and I had been standing next to Evans, Dolan and Campbell when they shot. After a letter from me the governor decided that we should meet and discuss my testimony.
A late night March 17th 1879 I stood outside the door of the house where I was supposed to meet Wallace. I have never been afraid in my entire life, but right then I was a bit worried. I had no idea what would meet me on the other side of that door. Could I trust Wallace? Instead of a governor, it could very well be a sheriff inside. Instead of a welcoming I could get a bullet in my heart.
But I have never back down from anything in my entire life and I wasn't about to start now, so I opened the door and entered.
"Welcome, Mr. Bonney," said a man, who was sitting at a table.
"Governor Wallace?" I asked.
He nodded and I looked carefully around the room before I sat down. I'm not afraid, but I am careful. You don't survive out here long if you are too reckless. I didn't want to get shot just because I didn't check the room first.
When I had sat down I realized that I admired this man's courage. He had agreed to meet me here alone, even though he knew I'm a killer. Not many men would dare to do such a thing.
"Let's get down to business," Wallace said with a voice, that made it clear to me that he wasn't used to any argument from anyone. "I have heard that you want to start a new life here and put away your guns."
"Yes, sir. I don't want to fight anymore. I have seen enough death to last a lifetime."
"And you are willing to testify against Chapman's murderers?"
"Yes, nothing would make me happier than to see Evans, Dolan and Campbell hang at the end of a rope."
"Good, then I propose this: if you testify against them, I will pardon you, but you will have to leave New Mexico."
I just stared at him. Would he really let me get away?
"I accept your proposition," I answered quickly, before he changed his mind.
We shook hands and then agreed that I would let myself be arrested, to protect me against Dolan's men.
When I left the house it felt as if a stone had been lifted off my chest. I would finally be able to take back the control over my life. Or so I thought.
Chapter 6
Next day I surrendered myself to sheriff Kimball, but pretty soon I understood that there was something wrong. Wallace left Lincoln and went back to Santa Fe before the trial started. When the trial began in the middle of April I gave them my testimony, as I had promised and then I thought that I had done my duty and would be able to leave the courtroom a free man. But the attorney Rynerson had different plans. He wanted to bring up the cases for the murders of Brady and Buckshot Roberts, which I had been charged with. Obviously I could forget about Wallace's pardon. That's what happens when you trust a politician.
Sure I had been there when these men were shot, but no one could prove that it was my bullets that had killed them, yet I was the only one who was charged with murder. I couldn't allow such injustice, so once again I had to take the law in my own hands. I simply decided to leave my jail and the guards didn't do much to stop me. Maybe they also realized how unfair I was being treated.
Once again I was on the run. Both the law and Dolan would like to get me, but I'm not so easy to catch. Tom and I left Lincoln behind and turned our eyes towards the many cattle herds in New Mexico. We teamed up with Charlie Bowdre, who is an ex-Regulator, Dave Rudabaugh, Tom Pickett and Billy Wilson and we earned our living stealing cattle, mostly. We stole the animals in New Mexico and sold them in Texas. I sometimes made a little money playing monte. Once, when I was in Las Vegas, to play my favorite game, I met Jesse James, or Mr. Howard, as he called himself. He told me that he had heard about me and offered me to join his gang, but I declined. Bank- and train robberies have never appealed to me.
It was during this time the papers gave me the name Billy the Kid. It was neither mine nor my friend's idea, but I must admit that it sounds pretty good. It was probably the only good thing the papers made up about me. Usually they just wrote about the terrible crimes that I should have committed. I may be an outlaw, but I'm no monster. They said that I was the leader of an army of outlaws in New Mexico. Sure, if you call six men an army, I guess I was.
When we weren't on our way to Texas with a cattle herd, I used to spend my time in Fort Sumner. There I had, and still have, many friends. Everybody knows who I am, but no one would do me anything, so I'm safe there. Several of my girlfriends also live in Fort Sumner, but I shouldn't mention their names here.
Chapter 7
"What a story, Kid!" I exclaim and he smiles a mischievous smile.
"And it's not over yet, Pat," he answers.
I met Billy a few months ago, when I first came to Fort Sumner. We quickly became friends and play a lot of cards together, but today we�re sitting at Beaver�s saloon and Billy is telling me about all the things that have happened to him. That a youth can have experienced so much.
I like Billy, even if I can�t understand all of his actions. According to the stories he is a cold-blooded killer, but I haven�t seen anything like that. He�s a happy and positive young man, despite all the misfortunes he has had, but I can sense the danger lurking somewhere beneath the surface. He�s a man you wouldn�t like to irritate. His only flaw is probably his stubbornness. If he sets out to do something, he doesn�t give up until it�s done, not even if it means to fly to the moon or reach the end of the rainbow. I have never met such a strong-willed person.
I�m also amazed that a man, as hunted as Billy is, can stay in New Mexico. If it had been me, I had fled to Mexico the first chance I got. Instead he stays in Fort Sumner, where everyone knows he usually is. A man with a 500 dollar reward on his head shouldn�t feel safe anywhere, but Billy obviously can.
�So the story isn�t finished yet?� I ask after a little while.
�No, one's life-story isn�t over until you�re dead, Pat, and as you can see I�m not that yet,� he answers happily.
No, you�re not dead yet, Billy, but I think the dark clouds are starting to gather on your horizon again. New Mexico�s outlaw days are coming to an end.
Chapter 8
Pat Garrett and I sit at Beaver�s saloon in Fort Sumner and he listens to my story. A bottle of whiskey is standing between us on the table, but he�s the only one drinking. I don�t drink. Alcohol makes the brain and reflexes slow and to me that can mean death.
Pat is an old buffalo hunter, who came to Sumner a few months ago. Here he married Apolinaria Gutierrez, the sister of one of my girlfriends. I soon discovered that he likes to play cards just as much as I do and that way we became friends. Since he�s very tall and I�m a little shorter than average, people started calling us Big Casino and Little Casino.
�I would like to write a book,� he says suddenly, when we have been quiet a while.
�Really, what would you write about then?� I ask.
�I don�t know. My life perhaps.�
�Who would like to read about a buffalo hunter�s life?� I ask and start to laugh.
�I won�t be a buffalo hunter for the rest of my life. I will find another job.�
�If you want people to read about you, you must get a very interesting job.�
�Someday, Kid, someday,� he answers with a dreaming look in his eyes.
For some reason I feel a chill down my spine when I hear his words and I get a feeling that something terrible will happen soon.
Chapter 9
You can�t support a family as a gambler, so I start to look for other jobs. November 2nd 1880 I get the job that I�ve wanted for a long time. I become the sheriff of Lincoln County. I�ve had enough of the criminality in New Mexico and I will try to do something about it. No outlaw will be safe in my territory. Unfortunately that includes Billy as well and it�s my duty to catch him too, but since we�re friends I will give him a chance to get away. If he doesn�t take that chance, he will soon realize that I�m just as stubborn as he is.
Many powerful men in Lincoln has had enough of Billy the Kid and they want someone to take care of the problem. As sheriff it�s my task to find a solution. I know there are worse men than him in New Mexico, but Billy is the most famous one, so it�s him everyone wants to get rid of. It�s not always easy to be famous.
But perhaps it�s for the best that it�s I who hunt Billy. I will try to catch him alive, but there are several others after him, who don�t care so much about his life. The official reward is only if he�s alive, but I�ve heard rumors that there are many who are prepared to pay a lot to the man who kills Billy.
My largest problem right now is to find men strong enough to go after Billy and his men. It must be men, who don�t run as soon as the bullets start flying, which I don�t doubt they will, when we are chasing Billy.
Chapter 10
I just heard that Pat has become sheriff in Lincoln County and that his first job is to catch me. I don�t know if anyone has exploded of anger before, but it was close that I did. Now that feeling has been replaced by a feeling of sorrow. It feels like I�ve just lost a good friend. Maybe because that is exactly what I have. How could he do this to me! I�ve never done him anything. Never.
�At least now he�ll get something to write a book about,� I say bitterly to Paulita Maxwell, who�s standing at the window and looking worryingly at me.
�Chivato, he will never catch you. No one will, I know that,� she says with a voice smooth as silk. She knows how to calm me down when I�m angry about something.
A little later the same day one of my friends brings a message from Garrett. He wants to see me, alone, just outside of Fort Sumner. I know it�s a big risk I�m taking, but I decide to ride there. Not even Garrett would sink so low, that he will use such a trick to catch me. I still trust him.
One hour after I got the message, I stand in front of Garrett at an abandoned house. He looks calmly at me, but is often glancing at my revolvers. Probably thinks I will end the chase before it has begun.
�I want you to know that I�m not doing it for the money,� he then says.
�No? Then why are you doing it? Have you already forgotten that we�re friends?� I answer, with anger in my voice.
�It�s my duty, Billy. Someone has to bring a little law and order into New Mexico.�
�And you decided to start with me?�
�No, I was told that you had to go first. I don�t really want to do it, but I have to.�
�Go ahead then,� I challenge him. �You�ll never get a better chance.�
�No, I came here today because I wanted to give you a chance to get away. If you promise to run to Mexico now, I won�t stop you.�
�I won�t run. You can�t drive me out of New Mexico. I�m staying here.�
�Then you will die, Kid.�
�Maybe, maybe not,� I answer and walk toward my horse.
I leave him there, standing in the courtyard. I know that next time we meet, it will go bad for one of us. We�re two men, who never back down from anything.
Chapter 11
His blue-gray eyes are staring right at me. A look full of anger, but also something else. Could it really be grief? Then he turns around and leaves. He obviously still trusts me, but that will soon change. This was probably the last time we met as friends.
With a heavy sigh I also walk towards my horse. I didn�t want it to end like this. I don�t want to kill Billy, but I have a feeling that he will force me to do it.
Since I�m probably no longer welcome in Sumner anymore, I ride towards Lincoln instead. There I will try to find the men I need to catch Billy. I will make it clear to them that I want the Kid alive, but that it might not be possible. If Billy decides that he won�t let himself be captured alive, there is nothing I can do to change it.
Gloom thoughts fill my head while I ride to Lincoln. Was it wrong of me to become sheriff? Billy probably sees me as a traitor now and I don�t want to be that, but it�s my duty to protect the law-abiding citizens of New Mexico. No one forced him to become an outlaw. Or did this hard world do that? Why am I torturing myself with this kind of thoughts? The die is cast and now there is no turning back. Neither for him nor me. This is a game only one can win and Billy�s odds aren�t good.
Chapter 12
As soon as I get back to Fort Sumner, I enter Beaver�s saloon, where the gang is gathered. I tell them what has happened and several of them instantly get worried.
�Isn�t it best that we leave New Mexico now, Billy?� asks Pickett.
�You do what you want, but I won�t run,� I answer with a resolute voice. �I won�t let Garrett win this.�
Tom, who has always been loyal to me, says that he will do whatever I do. Charlie also stays and when the others see that, they also decide to stay. No one wants to be remembered as the one who ran. We stick together until the end. Friends till death. Maybe even longer, who knows.
�But what will we do now?� Dave asks.
�What we usually do,� I answer. �New Mexico is full of cattle herds, just waiting for us.�
The others nod approvingly and seem to admire my calmness. Many would panic at the thought of being hunted by every sheriff in New Mexico. What I didn�t tell them is that I realize that it will be dangerous to stay too long at the same place. A cattle thief moves often and is not as easily caught. I still feel safe in Sumner, but there is always a risk someone will betray me for the reward. Now that Pat turned against me, others might do the same and without friends I�m an easy prey.
We leave Fort Sumner behind us the same day and ride towards the great cattle herds, but first we must buy some supplies at Jim Greathouse�s trade station near White Oaks. We have to buy food, so that we will survive long out on the prairie. Wilson is complaining about his boots being worn out and I need a new blanket, because the weather is getting worse. The cold winter is approaching.
Chapter 13
In Lincoln I find the men I need and we leave right away and start our search for Billy. Most of the men think that he has left for Mexico, but I doubt that. I know Billy, if he says he won�t run, he won�t do it. New Mexico is large and there are many places to hide at, but that number is shrinking fast. Billy still thinks he has friends all over New Mexico, but he will soon realize that that isn�t true anymore. It�s not just people in Lincoln County that are starting to get tired of the lawless state the territory is in and which Billy the Kid is a symbol of. But some people, who will always be loyal to Billy are the Hispanics and he knows that very well. He�s always welcome in their villages and they protect him at any cost. If Billy decides to fully use their friendship, he will start an uprising in New Mexico. I pray that he won�t go that far.
It�s not an easy thing to look for Billy. There are many rumors about where he is, but they always point at different places. Some of the rumors are probably true, but it�s impossible to separate them from the false ones. I�ll just have to use my own head in the chase. I have the advantage of knowing Billy and he has told me about several of his usual hiding places, so I will find him sooner or later. The only thing he accomplishes by running is to put up the inevitable. He won�t get away. He knows that just as well as I do.
Chapter 14
At the end of November we�re at Jim Greathouse�s place. He says that we can spend the night there and tomorrow we�ll leave for Chisum�s cattle herds. It's true that he was at our side in the war, but he abandoned us, when he realized that we would lose. He will pay for that now.
Dave, Charlie, Pickett and Wilson are playing poker. Tom is writing a letter to a relative. An aunt, I believe he said it was. I wish I had someone I could write letters to. Someone that cared about how I am. Instead I�m sitting in an armchair by the fireplace, reading a book. The Odyssey it�s called. I hadn�t expected to find that at Greathouse�s. Read a bit of it at Tunstall�s before he was murdered. We�re pretty much alike, Odysseus and I. We�re both wandering around looking for the way home. The only difference is that he made it. I will probably never find the way home again. I�m not even sure where �home� is.
Suddenly I hear angry voices outside. The others hear them too and Tom looks out a window.
�A large group of people are heading this way, Billy, and they don�t look happy.�
�Billy the Kid! It�s best for you and your men to surrender at once!� a voice calls from the outside.
�Does he think it will be that easy?� I say amusingly and the others chuckle.
�If you promise not to hurt me, I will come in to talk to you,� the man shouts again. �Perhaps we can solve this somehow.�
Jim Greathouse agrees to act as a guarantee for the man�s safety and he walks out to the posse. A minute later a deputy comes in to us.
�My name is James Carlyle,� he says.
I look at him uninterestingly and Dave plays with the hammer of his gun all the time. This is evidently making Carlyle nervous, which might not be so strange. He can�t be sure that we care very much about what happens to Greathouse.
�You mentioned something about that we could solve this somehow,� I say after a little while.
�Yes, my proposition is that if you surrender now, you�ll get a fair trial. Otherwise the risk is large that you�ll die in this house or that the posse lynches you. I don�t think I�ll be able to control everyone.�
�That is your proposition? Die now or later? Not much of a deal,� I say annoyingly.
�You do realize that you�re not getting out of here?� Carlyle asks nervously.
�How can you be so sure about that? I�ve gotten out of worse places before.�
Right then a gunshot is heard from the outside. Carlyle, who probably thinks Greathouse has been killed, jumps out a window. The posse outside thinks it�s me or someone else in the gang, so they start shooting. When they realize who it is they have shot, it�s already too late. They killed their own deputy. Shocked over the incident they leave.
�It�s probably best that we also get out of here,� says Charlie and of course we agree.
A few minutes later we leave Greathouse�s trade station and I know that I will be charged with another murder. I never fired a shot, but I�m the one who will be blamed for Carlyle�s death. Isn�t it a strange world we�re living in?
Chapter 15
I arrived in White Oaks the day after Billy left. We instantly hear what has happened. They say Billy the Kid shot their deputy, James Carlyle, when he tried to arrest him. There is something about their story that doesn�t sound right. Their eyes say that they aren�t telling everything. I wonder what really happened in White Oaks.
By now Billy has probably realized that he hasn�t got as many friends as he thought. A posse like that would never had been formed before. Then the people neither wanted nor dared to go against him, but that has changed now.
A few days later I hear about a letter Billy wrote to governor Wallace. There he tells his side of the story about what happened in White Oaks. He says he didn�t kill Carlyle. Many people think that letter is a lie, but I don�t think Billy is lying. Why would he? He is already charged with murder, so another murder doesn�t really matter. This also ruins the image of him as a cold-blooded killer. A man like that almost brags about how many he has killed and if someone accuses him of another murder, he doesn�t try to prove his innocence. Billy may be a lot of things, but I don�t think he�s a liar. Not more than everyone else anyway.
The track then leads to the big cattle herds and that is probably Billy�s goal. He doesn�t let himself be bothered by the fact that everybody is chasing him, but I will give him something to worry about. He can�t escape me. To hunt him all across the prairie is pointless, but I know where he usually is when he�s not stealing cattle. In Fort Sumner.
Chapter 16
Another successful deal. We took some of Chisum�s cows and sold them to one of his rivals, so now we have enough money to last a while. Right now I just want to get back to Fort Sumner again. It�s already dark, but I don�t want to sleep outside in the cold this night as well. Tonight I want to sleep in a warm bed, maybe with a pretty girl beside me.
We�re getting closer to Sumner now. It�s a starlit night and a thin layer of snow is on the ground. It�s December 19th today, I think. It�s easy to lose track off the days, when you live like I do. We�re all tired, because we have been riding all day. I had trouble sleeping the night before. I dreamt about my own death. I was lying on the ground, shot in the heart. A crying woman, whose face I couldn�t see, was kneeling beside me. My lifeless eyes captured the moonlight and for a moment they seemed to be alive again, but then darkness was spreading in them. I wonder if it was a glimpse of the future I saw in my dream?
When we�re just outside of Fort Sumner I hear Tom, who�s riding in the front, cry out and then a lot of shots are fired at us. Without seeing who it is that is shooting, I know it�s Garrett. I see how Tom is hit by a bullet and realize that I�ve just lost another friend. The rest of us turn around and ride away as fast as we can, but you can�t ride very fast in the dark. If a horse breaks a leg, the rider is finished.
I soon notice that Garrett isn�t after us. But he�s in no hurry. The snow will make it very easy for him to track us tomorrow. If God decides to be on my side for once, he will make it snow more tonight and cover our tracks, but that might be too much to ask for.
When we finally stop to rest, the grief over Tom�s death hits me. My best friend is dead. Killed by another friend, who has turned against me. Killed because of me. The bullet was meant for me. It wasn�t Tom who was supposed to die tonight. It was me.
Chapter 17
We see some riders approaching and I instantly know who they are. Me and my men make ourselves ready. When the riders are right in front of us, I order them to stop, but instead some of them draw their revolvers. I order my men to shoot and at the same time I fire a shot at the man in the front. He slumps in the saddle and for a moment I think I�ve killed Billy, but when the rider reaches us, I see that it�s Tom O�Folliard. I�m almost relieved that it wasn�t Billy.
By now the other riders have turned around and left and some of my men think that we should get after them right away, but I think it�s best to wait. Instead I tell some of them to help Tom down from his horse. The boy isn�t dead yet, but there�s nothing I can do to save his life. I can only make his death as easy as possible. We carry him into a house and place him on a blanket.
I sit beside him the whole time and watch as the life is leaving him. One moment he prays to God for forgiveness for what he has done and the next he curses me for shooting him. I�ve killed before, but I�ve never seen anyone die this close. It�s feels like a small part of me is dying with every painful breath he takes. It takes almost an hour before he finally lets go of this world. With his final breath he asks me to mail a letter, which he has in his pocket, to his aunt, where he says that he�s fine. A second later he dies.
With a heavy heart I rise and walk out to the others, who are sitting in another room playing poker.
�Is he dead yet?� one of the men asks, just as calmly as if he was asking what time it is.
�Yes,� I answer sadly.
I don�t know why I feel so sad. I have only done my duty. Killing an outlaw shouldn�t affect me like this, but it does. Maybe because I know my friend, Billy, will end this way and that it�s probably I who do it to him. Duty or not, killing someone feels awful.
Chapter 18
We have now reached Stinking Springs, where there is an abandoned house we can hide in. We�re all exhausted after riding all night, frozen, hungry and sad over having lost Tom. It hasn�t snowed since yesterday and I know it�s only a matter of time before Garrett gets here, but none of us can ride any longer. This might be the end of the road for us, but right now I can�t care. All I can think about is Tom. He shouldn�t have died. Everything is because of me. He died because he was riding with me. I�m a death sentence to everyone I know. I killed Tom, not Garrett.
I try to keep my good mood. The mood in the small house is everything but happy, so someone has to be positive. At least on the outside. Inside the dark thoughts flow through me. Many people think that I don�t have any feelings, just because I can seem cool in dangerous situations, but that�s not true. My inner soul is full of emotions, often contradictory ones. For example I don�t know what I really think about Garrett. I hate him for what he has done to me and my friends, but at the same time I like him. He and I were good friends before and I can�t just shut off these feelings. A part of me will probably always consider Pat a friend. It sounds strange, but it�s true.
�I think I�ll go out and look after the horses,� Charlie says after a while. �Can I borrow your hat, Billy? I must have dropped mine sometime last night.�
�Sure,� I answer and hand him my hat.
When he steps out through the doorway a shot is heard and Charlie falls to the ground. Not him too, not him too. The thought is spinning in my head. Now I�m the last Regulator. In an attempt to hide my sorrow, I show my anger instead. I take one of Charlie�s guns and put it in his hand.
�You�re dead, Charlie, but make sure you won�t have to go to the kingdom of the dead alone. Take Garrett with you!�
Under great pain Charlie gets up and stagger out of the house. Outside I can see Garrett and his men hiding behind some rocks. They aim at Charlie, but probably see that they don�t have to waste more bullets on him. Charlie is slowly walking towards Garrett, who�s just standing there looking at him. Charlie tries to raise his weapon and for a moment I think he�s going to be able to shoot Garrett, but then he falls to the ground.
Now a gunfight begins that lasts for almost half an hour. When we�re running out of bullets, we stop shooting. An escape attempt by bringing the horses into the house and then riding out is stopped by Garrett, who shoots one of the horses, so that it blocks the opening. We�re trapped. The only thing those outside have to do is to wait us out and Garrett knows that very well. Wilson is starting to panic and is all the time asking what we�re going to do.
�We should surrender,� says Pickett.
�Never,� I say angrily. �I will never surrender.�
�We have no choice, Kid. Don�t you understand that?�
Of course I understand that, but I won�t surrender immediately, like a coward. I�m much too stubborn for that.
�What are we going to do then? Run out shooting? You saw what happened when Charlie stuck his nose out.�
�Do you have a better idea then?� Dave asks angrily. �We can�t just sit here.�
I can see how the gang is split in two groups before me. Wilson and Pickett want to surrender. Dave and I don�t want that, even if I know that�s the way it�s going to end anyway. Dave seems to want that we run out with our guns blazing, but only a madman would do that. Sure, I did that in Lincoln, but then I had no other choice. If I had stayed in the house, I would�ve burned to death, so I took the risk of leaving the house.
Finally it�s the cold and hunger that defeat us. We can smell the food cooking over the fires Garrett has lit outside and we decide to give up. We put down our guns and walk out of the house with our hands up. Garrett and his posse are standing in front of us. Most of them look victorious and relieved. Several of them have a grin on their faces. What surprises me, is that Garrett doesn�t look that superior. He, if anyone, should be feeling proud now, but instead he has an almost sad look on his face. Like his eyes are looking for forgiveness for what he has done.
I see Charlie�s dead body lying on the ground and once again the anger rises in me. I almost want to throw myself at Garrett, but I know I won�t live much longer if I do that. You will pay for what you�ve done soon enough. I�m warning you, Pat.
Chapter 19
Early in the morning we surround the small building at Stinking Springs. We know Billy and his gang are inside. Their tracks have led us here. None of them have noticed that we�re here yet. I hope we can catch them alive, but I�m not so sure that will be possible.
A little while later we see a man coming out of the house. He has the same kind of hat Billy usually has and he looks like the Kid. I order my men to shoot and then fire a shot at the man, which hits him in the side.
�We got him!� one of my men exclaims happily.
�It�s not over yet,� I mutter. I know the battle isn�t over just because we shot one of them. There are at least four more men inside.
The man, who we think is Billy, manages to get back into the house and then we see him stagger out again with a gun in his hand. It�s not Billy. It�s Charlie Bowdre. My men aim at him, but I tell them not to shoot. Charlie hasn�t got much time left now. He walks toward me and tries to raise his gun, but doesn�t make it. He slumps before me and I hear him whisper something. �I wish, I wish�� are his last words. I will never know what he wished for. He died before he could finish the sentence. Maybe it was a wish for more time. Another life. I�ll never know.
After a long gunfight the weapons go silent on both sides. Now it�s just to wait. Maybe they will try to run. Maybe they will surrender. I hear angry voices from the house. They don�t seem to know what to do either.
At last we hear a voice call out to us. It�s Dave Rudabaugh, who�s saying they�re ready to give up. I order them to come out with their hands above their heads and a few minutes later four men are walking out. Billy comes out last and when he stands right in front of me, I look him straight into the eyes. Despite the tough situation he�s in, he doesn�t seem to have lost hope. His gaze is steady and he seems to accept his fate, but when he sees his dead friend�s body, the eyes flash. When he looks up at me again, I almost back away from his deadly and furious look. If it hadn�t been for all the armed men around him, he probably would�ve killed me. I have never seen a look radiating so much danger as his.
We put handcuffs on our prisoners and after having eaten some food we leave. We stop at Fort Sumner and turn Charlie�s body over to his wife. She becomes hysterical with anger and grief when we carry her husband into the house and curses us for what we have done. I would like to ask her for forgiveness, but I know I�ll never get that. I didn�t want to kill Charlie. He was a good man. He wasn�t really an outlaw. Not in the heart. But he was loyal to Billy and the oath all Regulators swore during the Lincoln County war. They would follow each other to the grave and that�s exactly what he did.
In Sumner we also eat Christmas dinner. Outlaws and lawmen at the same table. The tension is relieved and we talk to each other like old friends. For a moment we manage to forget all of our problems and grieves. When we have finished eating a woman enters and says that Paulita Maxwell wants to say farewell to Billy. Since I know they love each other I allow it. They ask if we can�t remove Billy�s chains, since he�s chained to Rudabaugh, but I refuse to do that. Billy would instantly see his chance to run. Together with two guards and Dave, Billy meets his beloved Paulita, but then it�s time to leave. I want to be in Las Vegas tomorrow.
Chapter 20
I see when Garrett and some of his men carry Charlie into his house. I take a silent farewell of him, but know that we will soon meet again. I can hear his wife crying hysterically inside the house. Everything is my fault. Both Tom and Charlie died because of me. Now they will be buried next to each other and I almost wish I could trade places with them. But fate seems to have other plans for me.
At suppertime we eat Christmas dinner in one of my old friend's home. When we're sitting around the table, it seems to me that I can almost catch a glimpse of the old Garrett, who was my friend, underneath the surface of the cold sheriff he has become. This is one of the worst Christmases I've ever had, but it brings me joy to see that there are some rays of hope. Garrett hasn't forgotten our friendship completely.
When we've finished eating I suddenly see Deluvina Maxwell standing at the door. She asks to speak with Garrett and asks him if Paulita Maxwell can see me. My heart instantly begins to beat faster, when I hear her words and I sincerely hope that Garrett will let me see Paulita. I must see her one last time. To my great delight I see how Pat nods and then turns toward me.
"Okay, Kid," he says. "You can see Paulita, but don't try anything. You will have guards with you all the time."
Garrett refuses to remove the chain that holds me and Dave together, so both of us walk to Paulita's house, escorted by two guards. Garrett probably thinks I'll escape if I get the chance and he's sure right about that. If I see the slightest chance, I run.
When we come into the house I see Paulita standing by one of the windows, just like she did that day I found out that Garrett had become sheriff. When she spots me, her eyes well up with tears.
"Oh, Billito!" she cries, rushes at me and throws herself around my neck.
One of the guards takes a nervous step towards us, but the other one, Jim East I think his name is, calms him down. Escaping is the last thing on my mind right now.
"Calm down, Paulita," I whisper soothingly in her ear. "You're acting as if I was already dead. I haven't given up hope yet. We will see each other soon again. Trust me."
"Promise me not to die, Chivato. I love you," she answers.
When East after a while tells me we must go now, I kiss Paulita, perhaps for the last time. I can feel her warm breath and her salty tears touch my cheek. Never has a farewell felt so painful. We stand there holding each other until East puts a hand on my shoulder and says that it's time to leave. When Paulita leaves my embrace it feels like a knife just stabbed me in the chest. I wonder if this was the last time I saw her.
Chapter 21
In Fort Sumner we borrow a wagon, in which we put the prisoners and in the afternoon we leave for Las Vegas. From there we'll take the train to Santa Fe, where I'll leave Billy and the others.
Billy is his usual happy self again. It's not much that can make that boy sad. If I was in his situation I would probably react like Pickett and Wilson; be afraid and quiet. When I ask him how he can be so happy, he has a very simple answer.
"What does it help me to be sad? It doesn't change a thing, so then I might as well be happy instead."
Another thing I don't understand about him. I wonder if it is because of his courage or if he has gone crazy. I can see that the other guards also get a bit nervous because of his happiness. They probably think he's up to something. They can very well be right about that. His brain is probably working on an escape plan all the time.
The journey to Las Vegas goes well, but when we reach the town we instantly get problems and strangely enough it has nothing to do with Billy. He's very popular here and most are curious about him. When we get closer to the train, that goes to Santa Fe, we see a large crowd gathering around us. They demand that we give them Rudabaugh, who apparently has killed a jailer in this town earlier. Dave is of course in fear of his life, but Billy seems to find the situation amusing.
"Pat, give me a rifle and I'll make sure this crowd disperse," he says happily from inside the train.
I have a good mind to do as he wants and tell the angry mob that I will arm the prisoners if they don't let us leave soon. The thought of an armed Billy the Kid doesn't please them and they disperse pretty quickly and we can leave the town. I didn't expect Billy to save my life.
Chapter 22
Now we're almost in Santa Fe. It'll be good to get off this train. It's uncomfortable, crowded and noisy all the time. I can hardly hear my own thoughts. My travel companions have been quiet a long time now. Wilson has hardly said a word since Stinking Springs and Dave, who's usually as chatty as I am, has also gone silent. He's probably still frightened of what happened in Las Vegas. Did he really think Garrett would turn him over to the mob? I know he'd never do that. Duty means too much to him.
Garrett is sitting in front of me and is uninterestingly looking out the window. How easy it would be for me to grab his revolver and shoot him! But of course, a second later I would also be dead and Garrett isn't worth that. I have to wait for a better opportunity.
The train rolls into the station and from the window I can see a large group of people gathering outside. But this time they don't seem to be angry, on the contrary. Many try to get closer to get a glimpse of us.
"Crazy people," Garrett mutters, as he gets up.
I force back a laughter. I have a feeling Pat is a bit jealous that the people came to see me and not him. You don't always get what you want, Pat. I know that better than most.
Still in chains, we're taken through the town to the jail. There Garrett turns us over to the town marshal, who removes the chains and locks us up inside the cells.
"Bye, Kid," Garrett says, as he's standing in the door.
"See you, Pat," I answer shortly.
I'm obviously supposed to stay here until my trial starts in April in Mesilla. I don't know what's going to happen to the others. They will probably face the same fate as I will. But I won't go towards my death like a lamb to slaughter. I'm more like the wolf, who fights to the last breath.
Dave, Wilson and I, who are sitting in the same cell, instantly begin trying to dig our way out of the jail with our spoons, but unfortunately the sheriff discovers us. He separates us and puts us in chains again. The guards are now watching us all the time. They obviously won't let us escape that easy.
Then I remember governor Wallace's promise of a pardon, which he gave me two years ago. I manage to get the guards to give me paper and a pen and then I write several messages to Wallace, where I ask him to come and see me, but he never answers. You really can't trust anyone any longer. It would be so easy for him to come and see me, but he probably doesn't want to be seen with me. A young outlaw, who doesn't own much more than the clothes I wear. I'm neither rich, nor powerful, but I'll make my voice heard somehow. They will continue hearing my name, even when I'm dead. My name will echo through the world and people will condemn the injustices committed against me.
Chapter 23
Billy says that we'll meet again and I don't doubt that he's right. I haven't seen the Kid for the last time.
"That was that," says Jim East relieved, when we're standing outside the jail. "I'm glad it's over. The Kid really made me nervous."
"Yes," I answer a bit absent. It's not over for me yet. I've never believed in fate, but it seems like my and Billy's lives are forever tied together.
We return to Lincoln, where I try to get back to a normal life, but I can't stop thinking about Billy. The joy in his eyes, when we played cards in Fort Sumner not so long ago and the hate he radiated in Stinking Springs, when he saw Bowdre's body. It's hard to believe it's the same man.
Next day there's an article about him in the newspapers. Many people have even interviewed him. The people seem to look upon him as a hero and he sure isn't going to stop them. They don't seem to mind that he is a killer. It's not many who are interested in interviewing me. Of course they thank me for a job well done, but they don't want to hear my story. But maybe I should be grateful for that. The papers have a way to twist everything you say. It's probably for the best that I tell my story myself, not some journalist.
After a while I hear about his escape attempt and that makes me a bit nervous. If Billy would escape, I'm probably the first on his list. If we meet then, one of us will die. The risk is big that it'll be me. Billy is always lucky.
Chapter 24
Today they're moving us to Mesilla, where the trial will be. The judge is the same man that was led by the nose by Dolan during the Lincoln County war, judge Bristol. My trial won't be a fair one, I know that already. I'm sentenced even before I enter the courtroom. I haven't been able to reach the ones who could testify to my benefit. No friends are here to support me. I�m charged with the murders of both Buckshot Roberts and Brady. I know I didn't kill Roberts and I'm also acquitted of that charge. It's worse with Brady. I think most of us put a bullet in him, but no one can prove that it was my bullet that killed him. I'm found guilty of that murder. Not exactly unexpected.
April 13th comes the sentence. I shall be hanged by the neck until I'm dead, dead, dead, as Bristol put it. That wasn't exactly a surprise either. I say nothing when I receive the sentence. I just sit there silent and stare hard at Bristol. He probably hopes that I will break, but I won't give him that pleasure. I already knew there was no hope for me in the courtroom, so I was prepared for this. I put my hope in myself. I'm the only one who can get me out of this mess and that's exactly what I'm going to do. They'll see.
The hanging will take place in Lincoln May 13th, so shortly after the sentence I'm sent there. I'm sitting chained in a wagon with some guards with me and several others riding around the wagon. I probably won't be able to escape now, but that doesn't mean I won't try.
One of the guards in the wagon with me is Bob Olinger. That is a man I really hate and he feels the same about me. Earlier I thought Cahill was the man I despised most, but he's nothing compared to Olinger. He's teasing me all the time and threatens to kill me if I make one false move. It takes all of my willpower to stop me from throwing myself at him.
"And if someone tries to free you, Kid, you're the first one who dies," he says cruelly and points at me with his revolver.
Several of the deputies who are here now, fought on Dolan's side in the Lincoln County war, so I know that my life isn't worth much to them. If Bob would shoot me, they would probably say that I had tried to escape.
A couple of times during the ride to Lincoln it's close that I get away, but they always manage to stop me. At one of those times Olinger gets furious and draws his gun to kill me, but the other guards manage to talk him out of it. I just stand there and look calmly at him. I'm not afraid to die by a bullet. Rather that than the rope.
Five days after we left Mesilla we reach Fort Stanton, where Garrett is waiting.
"I told you we would see each other soon," I say happily when I spot him.
"Yes, you were right, Billy," he answers and turns toward the deputies. "Did the journey go well?"
"Sure," one of them answers. "No large problems."
The journey then continues to Lincoln and April 21st, I think it is, we arrive in Lincoln. Garrett, who is afraid the jail won't be able to keep me, puts me in the courthouse and lets Olinger and a man named Bell guard me twenty-four hours a day. Pat sure doesn't take any risks.
Chapter 25
Billy has now been sentenced to hang and I�m the one who will make sure he hangs. I would�ve given almost anything to not have to do that, but now it�s my duty. I can only hope Billy understands that as well.
�It�ll be interesting to meet someone like Billy the Kid,� says Bell, one of my deputies, when we�re waiting for the others to show up at Fort Stanton.
�Be careful around the Kid,� I warn him. �He�s not harmless, just because he�s young, it�s more like the other way round.�
A little while later we see the wagon coming. Billy seems to be in a good mood as always, but his eyes look tired. Considering what he has been through the last few months, I guess that�s not so strange. I also see the looks full of hatred he�s exchanging with Olinger. Maybe it was a mistake to put Bob as one of those who will guard Billy, but now I have no choice.
When we arrive at Lincoln it�s hardly a month before Billy will hang, but he hasn�t given up hope yet. He wouldn�t give up even if the rope was already around his neck. You got to admire him for that.
Instead of putting Billy in Lincoln�s bad jail, I put him in the house that earlier was the Murphy-Dolan store. There Olinger and Bell will guard him twenty-four hours a day until May 13th. Despite the fact that he�s chained hand and feet and locked to the floor, Billy still thinks he can find a way out. �I won�t stay long here,� he says several times and I believe him.
�Don�t let him out of your sight,� I order my deputies before I leave them to tend to my other duties as a sheriff.
Bob grins at Billy and is always keeping his finger on the trigger of the shotgun. If Billy tries to escape, Bob won�t give him a chance, I know that. But since Billy has nothing to lose, he will probably risk it anyway. Bell looks disapprovingly at Olinger, but probably realizes that it takes a man like him to guard Billy the Kid.
Chapter 26
I really hate Bob Olinger. He never leaves me alone. His greatest pleasure is to tease and threaten me. Some days I almost want to stand up and ask him to shoot me, just to get it over with. But I don�t do it. Somehow I will get my revenge on him before I die. Somehow.
�I wish you would try to run, Kid, so that I get to kill you. It�s not fair that the hangman gets all the fun,� Bob says with one of his evil grins.
I don�t answer. He has the upper hand right now, but that will change. I promise that.
�Leave the Kid alone,� says Bell.
Olinger looks at him grudgingly and then continues to tease me. I give Bell a grateful look, since he at least tried. He�s a kind man, who doesn�t really fit as a deputy.
Later that day Garrett comes in. I can hear his footsteps in the stairs. His long legs skipping every other step. I�m sitting by the window, looking out over Lincoln�s main street. Down there all the free people walk around, who don�t know how good their lives are. They have never experienced the terrible things that have happened to me. They wouldn�t be able to take it.
�Good morning, men. Everything alright?� Pat asks, when he comes in.
�Yeah,� Bell answers. �Nothing happening here.�
Bob snorts, but Garrett ignores him. Instead he turns his eyes toward me. He tries to seem calm, but I can see that he feels a bit uneasy about this situation. The eyes, Pat, the eyes. It�s the one part of a human body that can�t lie. You can see everything in another man�s eyes. Things he would never say. People dream about being able to read other people�s minds, but for me it�s enough to be able to read their eyes. There I see everything I want to know.
�And everything is fine with you too, Kid?� he then asks.
Sure, Pat. Everything is fine. A friend turned against me, I�m guarded by a man who hates me and I�m about to hang. Sure everything is fine.
Chapter 27
Billy looks at me with those piercing eyes I�ve always found a little unpleasant. It feels as if he sees right through me. I can�t hide anything from him. Then his eyes sweep the room. Missing no details. He�s like a tiger in a cage, just waiting for the right moment to get out. I don�t think even an army could stop Billy, if he decides to run. And he has probably already decided.
�Bob, you make sure to treat the Kid well,� I tell Olinger.
�Yeah, yeah,� he mutters.
If it was up to Olinger, Billy would stop breathing this second. I don�t know who�s worst, Billy or Bob. Both seem to think that death is the best solution to different problems. None of them realize that the world is changing. People refuse to live with violence anymore. The question is, if we can put an end to violence without using it ourselves. When it comes to Billy, that�s probably impossible. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire and right now Billy is the strongest burning flame in New Mexico. But I can see that the fire is fading. He doesn�t seem to be as wild now as he was during the Lincoln County war. Maybe he�s getting tired of this kind of life? But I know appearances can be deceptive. Billy doesn�t give up that easily. Maybe it�s all a trick to make us believe he has accepted his destiny. His time is running out and that just makes him more dangerous. In a little more than two weeks he will be executed, but I doubt Billy will be here to meet the hangman.
Chapter 28
Garrett just said that he�s going to White Oaks a while. Suits me perfectly. Without him, Olinger is the one I have to worry most about. Bell seems to think I�m his friend. Maybe I really am. Bell is one the nicest persons I�ve met in a long time. When it�s time to get out of here, I don�t want to hurt him, but I won�t allow him to stand in the way of my freedom. Nothing means more to me than freedom.
Olinger is still threatening me every day. Does he really think a death threat scares me? He doesn�t seem to understand that I�ve been living close to death most of my life. An outlaw is risking to die by a bullet everyday, but that doesn�t scare me any longer. Loneliness is the one thing I fear. I don�t want to die alone.
�I�ll take the other prisoners with me and go for lunch,� Bob says, when he has gotten tired of staring hatefully at me.
I�ve been waiting for those words the entire day. It�s the only time I only have one guard. I hope they don�t notice the smile on my lips or the joy in my eyes. The time has come to leave. Now they can�t stop me anymore.
�Don�t be gone too long,� Bell says.
�Why? Are you afraid of the Kid?� Bob asks with a grin.
Bell doesn�t answer, instead he's glancing at me. You have every right to be worried, Bell. For several months I�ve been waiting for this moment and now no one can stop me.
A little while later, when we�re walking back to the room after having visited the outhouse, I see my chance. Quickly I slip out off my handcuffs, turn around and hit Bell, who�s walking behind me, with the chains. Before he loses his balance, I grab his gun. Bell falls down the stairs, but there I see him trying to get out of the house.
�Bell!� I shout in an attempt to stop him, but he doesn�t listen.
I have no choice. He mustn�t get help. I fire one shot and he doesn�t more anymore. Ever. For a second I stand and watch his lifeless body and I regret that I had to shot him, but he gave me no choice. Now I have to act fast. The whole town must�ve heard the shot and they probably know what has happened. Olinger can�t be far away.
With a few quick steps I�m back inside the room. There I see Bob�s shotgun leaning against a chair. A thought flashes in my mind. The perfect way to get my revenge. He will die by his own gun. He�ll regret all his threats. I make sure it�s loaded and then I walk towards the window. Down in the street a crowd of people are looking up at me and Olinger is on his way out of the saloon.
�Hello, Bob!� I shout and he stops in the middle of the street.
I give him enough time to realize that he�s just made the largest mistake in his life, then I pull the trigger and the shot hits him right in the chest. He probably never counted on it ending this way.
Now I�m no longer in a hurry to leave Lincoln. The other citizens don�t dare to do anything. They know what happens to the ones who�re standing in my way. About an hour later I order them to bring me a horse, tell them to say hi to Garrett from me and then I leave the town.
Chapter 29
When I get back to Lincoln and hear about Billy�s escape, I can�t say that I�m surprised. Nothing could stand between him and freedom. If I had been in Lincoln when he escaped, I would also be dead now. Billy did exactly as he promised he would. He wasn�t going to stay here long. It�s a shame two men had to die because of his promise. Not many will miss Olinger, but Bell was a good man. It almost seems like Billy regret shooting him. Several witnesses heard Billy say that he didn�t want to shoot Bell, but that he gave him no choice. I�ve never heard that Billy is regretting anything he�s done before.
Now it�s my job to catch Billy again, but I know he won�t let me do it. If we meet again, someone will die. I almost hope Billy leaves for Mexico as fast as he can. I can�t let go of the feeling that it�s our destiny to meet again. Even if we try to avoid it, we won�t have a choice in the end.
My men try to tell me that we have to get after Billy now, but I know we don�t need to rush. Billy will show up sooner or later. He�s not exactly the kind of man who hides in the mountains. He�ll return to his old life pretty soon. If I�m wrong and he really rides to Mexico, I won�t feel sorry about that. It would save me a lot of trouble, but I�m not that lucky. Sure, the people wouldn�t trust me as a sheriff any longer if I let Billy go, but I don�t care anymore. Maybe the job as sheriff suits me as bad as it suited Bell. I�ve always put duty first, but now I�m not so sure anymore.
The first few days after Billy�s escape I hear several rumors saying that he�s been seen around Lincoln. I follow up on several of the tips, but the trail is always cold when I get there. The villagers refuse to tell me if they have seen Billy. He�s still very popular among the people in New Mexico. I�ll get no help from them, but Billy will soon betray himself. He can�t hide forever.
Chapter 30
Finally I�m free again! Right now I�m sitting in the house of a friend of mine. The entire territory is full of people who want to help me. I almost feel sorry for Garrett. He won�t have an easy job finding me.
I sit alone in the light from a kerosene lamp. Outside it�s dark and everything is quiet and calm. If someone will come to the house, I�ll notice it. I look down at my hands and see the wounds on my wrists, where the chains used to be. It hurts and I will probably have scars there for the rest of my life, but the main thing is that I�m free.
It�s been a week now since I left Lincoln, but it feels like it was yesterday. I can still see Bell�s surprised face the second before I hit him. He seemed to realize what was happening, but wasn�t fast enough. I wish I hadn�t been forced to shoot him.
I�m starting to get tired of the outlaw life now, but I know I won�t be able to quit. There�s only one way out. I�ve known that the whole time, but I�ve denied it. I thought I was invincible, but no one is.
I miss Paulita. I think I�ll leave for Fort Sumner tomorrow. I don�t care if Garrett finds me there. I haven't the strength to care anymore. Since there can be only one end, it�s pointless to resist.
It takes me a couple of days to get to Fort Sumner, but there I�m met by many old friends. To see them again gets me in a little better mood, but the shadow of death is still hanging over me.
Later that night I walk over to the graveyard, where Charlie and Tom are buried. Two wooden crosses are all that mark their final resting place. I crouch down in front of the crosses and a feeling of guilt rises inside me.
�I�m sorry for what I�ve done to you,� I whisper and my eyes well up with tears.
A sudden wind makes the grass on their graves fly. Maybe it�s a sign that they forgive me. I hope so. Or maybe it didn�t mean anything. I stand up again, look out over the prairie for a moment and then I turn to the graves again.
�I have a feeling I�ll soon be joining you,� I say to Tom and Charlie. �Shortly I�ll be lying there in the grave next to you and the strange thing is that I almost long for that day. First then I can find peace."
Suddenly I hear someone approaching behind me and I quickly spin around, with the gun in my hand. There stands Paulita looking calmly at me.
�You shouldn�t be out here, Chivato,� she says and puts a hand on my arm. �There are only grief and dark thoughts here.�
�Dark thoughts suit me just fine,� I answer.
Her beautiful eyes look straight at me.
�I don�t recognize you any longer, Billy. You were always so happy and carefree. Now you seem so much sadder.�
�How can I be happy when I�ve lost all my friends?� I ask.
She doesn�t answer, but kisses me instead and pulls me away from the graveyard. I follow her back to the town and leave some of my dark thoughts at my friend�s graves.
Chapter 31
It�s now been over two months since Billy escaped, but I still hear that he�s in New Mexico. The powerful people in Lincoln and Santa Fe are getting more and more impatient. They want me to do something. Why didn�t you leave the country when you had the chance, Billy? Now I can�t wait any longer. Several rumors say that he�s in Fort Sumner. Despite the fact that none of my deputies who have been there have found anything, I know he�s in Fort Sumner. It�s his favorite hiding place in New Mexico. His home. He�s safe there. For now.
It�s with a heavy heart I leave for Fort Sumner together with two of my deputies, Poe and McKinney. They are more excited about the task. It�s not everyone that gets to chase the most famous man in the territory. They don�t seem to understand that it can only end one way. Everything will stand between me and Billy. Poe�s and McKinney�s presence won�t matter. But I�m still glad they�re with me now. I don�t think I would make it alone. They make me keep going, even if I don�t want to.
On the way to Fort Sumner we stop at several farms and ask if they have seen Billy.
�The Kid? Sure, he was here,� several people answer, with something that sounds like pride in their voices. �You�ll never catch him. He�s too smart for that.�
It�s obvious whose side they�re on. But I don�t need their help to find Billy. He�ll soon regret that he didn�t escape to Mexico. And he�s not the only one. I wouldn�t have done this if I had had a choice, but I�m the only one who know Billy and can find him. Someone has to do it and unfortunately I�m the only one who can.
We stop a few kilometers outside Fort Sumner and I send Poe into the town. No one there knows him, so he might be able to find something out. He comes back later that evening, but he has no good news.
�No one wanted to talk about the Kid,� he says. �I don�t think he�s there. He�s probably gone to Mexico by now.�
�You don�t know Billy,� I answer. �He�s in Fort Sumner, I know it.�
Next day we decide to ride to Fort Sumner, but choose to wait until night, so we want warn Billy. The story is coming to an end.
Chapter 32
Today is July 14th. I sit at Beaver�s saloon and Paulita is sitting next to me.
�Why won�t you go to Mexico?� she asks. �It�s dangerous for you here.�
�This is my home and I won�t leave,� I answer resolutely.
She sighs, stands up and leaves me alone. She realizes she can�t make me change my mind. I remain at the saloon and look out the window. After a while I ask Beaver if he has something to write on and he hands me a torn paper and a pen. On the small paper I write down the names of all my friends who have died since the Lincoln County war: John Tunstall, Richard Brewer, Alex McSween, Vincente Romero, Francisco Zamora, Harvey Morris, Frank McNab, Charlie Bowdre, Tom O�Folliard and Henry McCarty.
Yes, Henry McCarty is dead. He died several years ago. All that�s left of him is William H. Bonney. Henry, the good and well-behaved boy is gone and replaced by the tough Billy the Kid, who kills to survive. I miss Henry.
I sit at the saloon until darkness begins to fall. Then I rise and walk out. I should go and ask Paulita for forgiveness for being so testy today. In the cool night air I suddenly get a feeling that something will happen tonight. Maybe Garrett is here. Maybe I�ve reached the end of the road now. For a moment I think about getting my horse and ride out of here, but I soon change my mind. It would only be putting it off for another day and I don�t want to live like this anymore. It�s better to end it now.
I stay with Paulita until midnight, then I start to feel hungry.
�Pete Maxwell probably has some meat you can have,� says Paulita and I nod.
I take a knife to cut the meat with and then I see my gun belt hanging on a chair. I decide I won�t be needing my gun now and then I leave the room. Since it�s not far between Paulita�s room and Pete�s house I haven�t even put my boots on. It�s with soundless steps I walk down the street. Everything is silent. The entire town seems to be asleep. Outside Maxwell�s house I bump into two men. I don�t recognize them and they don�t seem to know who I am, but something about them makes me suspicious. With fast steps I walk up to Maxwell�s room and open the door. There I can see a shadow by the bed.
�Quien es?� I ask.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my chest and then I fall down to the floor. My eyes turn to the window. Outside I can see the bright stars and the last thought that runs through my head is: �Free.�
Chapter 33
We�ve just reached Fort Sumner. It�s pretty late at night and we don�t see any Billy the Kid around. After a few hours Poe and McKinney suggest that we leave again, but I want to talk to Pete Maxwell first. He�s a friend of mine and usually knows what�s going on in Fort Sumner. Poe and McKinney stay outside the house, while I walk into Pete�s room. He�s already asleep, so I wake him up.
�Pat, what are you doing here?� he asks, when he sees that it�s me.
�Looking for Billy,� I answer. �Have you seen him?�
�He was here before, but I don�t know if he�s still here.�
Right then the door opens and in the moonlight I see a familiar silhouette standing in the opening. When the man asks who�s there, I�m sure. It�s Billy. Without doubt I draw my gun and fire two shots. The second shot misses, but the first one hits him in the chest and he falls to the floor. I rush out of the room and almost run into Poe.
�I shot him!� I shout. �I shot the Kid!�
The two deputies look at me in disbelief. They think I�ve shot someone else, but I�m sure. It was Billy. Suddenly I realize what I�ve done and I feel a sting in my heart. I�ve killed a friend. Was it really right of me, even if he was an outlaw? I�m not as sure as I was a few minutes ago.
Several women come and look into Maxwell�s room. Then they run away from there crying. Many of them curse me for what I�ve done. The pain in me is growing stronger. That it was my duty, doesn�t mean it was right.
Some men carry Billy�s body out to prepare it for the funeral. His lifeless eyes stare at me, when the men pass me. His face looks peaceful. It almost looks like he was prepared for this.
Next day he�s buried between his two friends Bowdre and O�Folliard. When the ceremony is over I alone remain standing at his grave. I stand there silent and look down at the grave. I hope Billy will find peace now. I�ll have to live with the scars of my actions for the rest of my life. I almost envy him.
�I�m sorry, Billy,� I say shortly and then I leave.
Here the story ends, or does it really? Maybe it�s only the beginning�
