Standard disclaimers:
I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki and some big name companies do.
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Days before you came
Freezing cold and empty
Towns that change their name
And a horn of plenty
Days before you came
counting breaths inside me
Even crack - cocaine
Couldn't start to hide me
Won't you join me now
Baby's looking torn and frayed
Join the masquerade
Won't you join me now
Baby's looking to get laid
Join the masquerade
words by PLACEBO ('Days before you came')
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CHAPTER 14: REFLECTIONS
So many things happened in the last years, I don't know where to start to
summarise it for you.
Two months ago Himura Kenshin married Kamiya Kaoru, a wise decision, I
still
don't understand why they waited so long. If I would have been in Kaoru's
place I knew what I would have done.
All right, I admit, it would work with Hajime, but with Himura?
Anyhow, finally they managed to marry, I nearly fell backwards being
invited
to the ceremony and Hajime accepted the invitation, very unusual for him.
But what happened after we left Kyoto?
When we reached Osaka we were able to speak with Kondou, it was true, he
knew
my father, they had grown up together. My father had fought on his side
joining the Shinsengumi until his marriage to my mother. My father and
Kondou
had had a close relationship even after the dishonouring and my father had
promised me to one of Kondou's men right after my birth.
After my parents were killed Kondou had felt responsible, felt like taking
care for me. He tried to get me to Kyoto without attracting attention, he
didn't know who was behind the assassinations, he was afraid that I might
get killed too. But Yoshinori's influence was too strong, Kondou didn't
succeed contacting me and calling me directly to Kyoto. Knowing
Yoshinori from
his rare contacts to my father, Kondou already was suspicious about him
by that time.
The man of the Shinsengumi I had been promised to, had already been killed
within a fight. Kondou had to think of someone new and he took the
chance when Yoshinori was in Nagasaki and arranged this meeting.
He didn't had many unmarried men handy, so he asked Hajime and Soushi,
Hajime
refused, Soushi didn't mind to have a look, it was no obligation to take
one
of the girls, more precise: to take me. But right after our first meeting,
Kondou figured out that Soushi wouldn't be the right man for me. It was
quite
a good trick to let Hajime join this meeting, so he could ask him replacing
Soushi later.
In addition to that, everything went different as planned. I met Hajime and
Soushi on the streets, I instantly felt attracted to Hajime, we went to the
inn, got drunk, discussed.
When I saw Hajime the first time, it had been attraction, we lost
control over
it on our second evening. We both hadn't been able to control our
blood-lust
and desires when drunk, a fatal mixture with attraction.
Now I know that he recognised me during the meeting and followed me to the
swords-smith. He thought that I was an agent for the Ishinshishi, but
Kondou
explained him my background as far as he was able to. At that time Kondou
didn't know the whole story behind Yoshinori. Finally he convinced
Hajime that
I wasn't an agent, just an ordinary girl and somehow he persuaded him to
marry
me. They both never told me how Kondou managed this exactly but I
think even Hajime couldn't deny to be attracted to me.
I remember all clashes we had, about Soushi, about the book, about me on
the
streets without his permission and many others. They had been real fun, I
still enjoy challenging him, and seeing his eyes during our 'fights' I
would
say he loves it.
What about Soushi? Well, he was a good, close friend for us both, we still
remember him. I think suicide was the best decision he could make in his
situation and I'm convinced we did the right thing helping him, I would
do it
again.
What about the other inmates of the Shinsengumi-house? Well, I never
wasted a
second thought on them. They had been there, were useful or just
annoying. The
only deaths I really regret are the two young girls, not that they had been
important to me. But I think they had deserved a better fate than being
sold
to a Samurai-organisation, working like slaves for them and being killed
for
nothing... just because they had been there. The wives and children of
some of
the Shinsengumi are a different point, I wouldn't say they deserved it,
this
is not true, but I don't regret their deaths.
What happened in the years until today?
Not much later after we reached Osaka and spoke with Kondou, some more
battles
took place and Tokugawa signed his resignation, a huge disappointment
for the
Samurai class, a lot of changes came with the new government.
First was the prohibition of slaying people for revenge or own justice,
second
was the prohibition of carrying a sword, 1876. It was hard to accept for
Samurai, whose whole pride were their swords. Many committed suicide, they
hadn't been able to adopt to the new era.
Hajime changed his name again, now he is called Fujita Gorou, of course
I am
Fujita Tokio, I didn't want to change my given name.
Hajime stopped drinking alcohol to gain control about his blood-lust,
and it
works. Of course he had problems accepting the sword-prohibition but he
started working for the new government in 1877 as an undercover agent.
Still
believing and trusting in his own justice, trying to protect Japan from
anyone
who wants to betray this country and its new government. Like in the
Bakumatsu
he slays traitors, with a special permission he was allowed to carry and
use
his Japanese sword which was comforting to know. In my opinion they are the
only real swords, not as breakable as those European ones, I totally agree
with Hajime here.
But of course it changed him, losing his fight for the Shogunate. To be
honest, not very much, he just replaced his Shinsengumi-troup by a police
force. But losing something you have fought for so hard leaves a mark
behind.
The sword he had from the Bakumatsu broke during his attempt to recruit
Himura
to fight Shishio, I had my own opinion about this. It was hard to challenge
and force Himura to come with him to Kyoto, a city that held so much
memories
for all of us, but it was necessary. I agreed with Hajime waking up
Battousai.
Himura is no use at all... he simply didn't have the strength he had had
during
the Bakumatsu when there was no holding back for him, slaying, walking in
blood.
I respect Himuras vow never to kill again, I respect people who live for
their
promises and believes with all their heart and who protect them at all
costs.
I can understand Himura, but his vow is nothing I could live and fight for,
my believe is different.
Hajime replaced his broken sword by Soushi's and took it with him to Kyoto,
he never asked me for my father's swords, his respect for me and my past
is
too deep.
What about our family?
We have three sons by now, our first was born one year after we left Kyoto,
Tsutomu will be twelve soon, I had been right, it didn't take a long
time to
be pregnant again. Our second, Tsuyoshi, will be ten soon and our third,
Tatsuo, just turned seven.
They all are adorable young boys (I have to say that, I'm their mother),
educating them in the way of a Samurai might sound hard to you, but I
think it
is the best for them. I couldn't stand seeing my sons growing up like
girls,
the basic ideals of bushido are helpful for one's life. Seeing Hajime with
our sons, -you don't believe me that he is a wonderful father, do you?- or
seeing him looking at me, then I know what I live for.
With our first son born I stayed at home, for it was important for
Hajime to
know that we are safe and secure during his absence. I understand him,
being
responsible for children changes one's life-style. If someone would
attack us
at home, I'm able to defend us, I'm still able to use weapons and I know
that
Hajime trusts and relies on me in this point.
I always refused to decline him dead every time he leaves, many of the
Samurai
wives still do this, but I simply can't.
And I am right, he always returns to me, he even survived the fight against
Usui/Shishio and later this twisted guy from China, I don't know how,
but he
returned. Smoking his unavoidable cigarette and having his usual wicked
grin
on his face seeing me after a longer absence again.
Handling Hajime and three of his sons is not easy, I can tell you. These
kids
consume my whole time and I enjoy having found my peace. The first
seventeen
years of my life had been filled with so much love from my parents but
on the
other hand they had held so much horror. The death of my brother; the
education of a samurai; the pressing from Yoshinori; the death of my
parents,
murdered because of me; Soushi's suicide; Yoshinori coming back;
the loss of our first baby. So much had happened in this year, so much had
happened in these first months with Hajime.
The most terrible event in my life was the slaying of my parents by
Yoshinori,
when I reached Kyoto I hadn't really digested it. It had rumoured in my
subconscious but I finally was satisfied when I had my revenge. How
close had
I been to madness? Not reflecting these events? Perhaps it was the best,
perhaps I would have gone insane reflecting them, thinking intensely about
them.
But what about Battousai?
Battousai was different from me and Hajime. I don't regret one single
life I
have taken nor does Hajime, we both continued living in this new era
with our
old believe. Battousai regrets what he has done, he was more disturbed
than I
was. I found my peace with my revenge and the 'love' I was given.
He found his 'peace' with this Kamiya-girl, and I think she is the perfect
balance for him, the perfect woman for his new life.
I can understand why he refuses to take one more life, I respect his vow,
I
already told you, but I have another belief. But as long as someone lives
with all his heart for his belief and doesn't betray it, I respect him,
above
all if someone had to struggle as hard as Himura had to. Meeting him during
the Bakumatsu showed me how close I was to drown in blood and losing my
sanity.
How many times did I really met him? How many times it was only an
illusion?
I'm pretty sure the first time it was really him. The last time in the
crowd,
I'm sure it was an illusion, I was too close to insanity.
Merciless, cold-blooded, deathly, disturbed. We shared too much back then.
Both merciless and cold-blooded but suffering on a deep wound, close ones
being killed because of us. There was one big difference: I think he hated
killing men, he couldn't stand it and was close to losing his mental sanity
because of it.
I enjoyed killing to a certain extent, it is like a drug, feeling the
resistance of an human body, hearing the blade cutting through flesh,
seeing
and smelling the blood. But the last life I took was Yoshinori's,
suddenly my
own blood-lust decreased having my revenge. Subconscious the sight of my
parents and his betrayal must have been a burden for me.
What more can I say?
I love Hajime. Of course I never told him, I'm convinced he knows it. Or
could you imagine me hugging him, looking him deep in the eyes and saying
"I love you, Hajime."
No, this would be ridicules and unnecessary, we express our emotions
different, our understanding of each other is deeper.
He means everything to me, without a second thought I would give my life
for
him. Of course he would never let that happen.
What more do I expect from life?
Nothing. I have all I ever asked for.
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THE END
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EPILOGUE
BACK TO
CHAPTER 13
MARA'S
FANFICTION
RUROKEN
FANFICTION
HOME
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Ok... there are several 'historic' pages about Saitou Hajime where I got
some
data of his life anf the names of his sons. Please keep in backmind:
THIS IS NOT HISTORICAL CORRECT!!!!
Furthermore I have started a story called 'The years in between', dealing
with the events between chapter 13 and 14. You can find the first chapter
on my homepage... as well as the lemons =^^=.
Ja ne,
Mara