PREYS
by Kamorgana
Preys
Chapter16: You're to
have, not to hold
Neither Saitoh nor Tokio uttered a word on the way to her house. She
was
too unsure of her state to start a conversation that could only end up
in
an argument, as always.?And Saitoh seemed still furious at her, for a
reason that she didn't get.
By the time they arrived, she was back in the comfortable blur of
exhaustion numbing her mind, taking once more her rambling emotions
away.
Maybe she'd manage to cope, after all.
Her house was not the mess she had expected, the blues had been more
careful than usual in their search. She noticed with relief that the
doors
of the living were closed. She went to her bedroom; he followed her but
waited in the corridor. She gathered clothes for the next day.today,
and
her accessories in a small travel bag.
She was closing the front door when she felt an icy wind blowing in her
veins. Somebody was watching her. She dropped the key, retrieved it
with
trembling hands. Now she was getting paranoid. She turned to Saitoh,
only
to see him scanning the surroundings, a predatory look in his eyes. Oh
Gods, she was not hallucinating..he had felt it too.was he going to
leave
her alone to check on it? She fought the irrational urge to clutch to
his
arm and ask him to stay.
As he turned to her, she did the best to hide her fear and compose
herself.
Did he see it? He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and dragged her
forwards, walking rapidly to the car. He was still looking around when
he
pushed her on the passenger seat.
***
He stopped the car in front of a hotel near the City Hall. She knew the
place; the DA seldom used it for witness protection. One room on each
floor
was double, with only one main entry located in the first one, and no
windows in the room on the edge. Perfect for safety purposes.
She threw her bag on the bed of the "witness bedroom", and sat on it,
looking straight in front of her, but she wasn't seeing anything. Was
she
going to faint, she wondered, welcoming the idea, welcoming the
darkness..No. She wasn't.
Saitoh was observing her. She had been terrified, at least she
understood
now she was in danger and wouldn't be difficult about getting
bodyguards.
He understood less why he had stayed with her instead of going after
the
observer. He had felt protective..like he did now.
He saw her palms clenching. He had seen her doing that before, and
frequently during the last days, it was a telltale sign: she was trying
to
regain control. Each time she had been in shock lately, she had lost
control of herself for a while, then absorbed it and had went on as if
nothing happened. Why didn't she give up and just let go? Denial was
certainly a way to deal with shocking events, but at a certain point
they
had to be accepted. There was a limit to human resistance, and she had
her
share. The annoying thought that his own attitude had pushed her
further to
the limits made him..not very proud of himself.
Shaking it away, he opened the mini-bar and found a little bottle of
vodka.
She needed a drink.
"Have that."
She waited to answer, her nails digging in her palms.
"Leave me alone," she snapped, still not looking at him.
"Do I have to make you?"
She wanted to yell at him not to order her around. She had fallen in
that
trap before, though, and knew that if she didn't stay calm, her
emotions
would be too strong for her to control. She grabbed the bottle and
gulped
half of it.
"Satisfied?"
He didn't answer, staring intently at her.
The alcohol burnt her stomach, and the bitter taste awoke her senses.
The
blur she had been in vanished once more, definitely this time, and the
shock finally hit her. She tried to think about her duty, of something
she'd have to do in order to control her emotions again, but her brain
refused to work. There was a lump in her throat. She was about to burst
into tears. In front of him.
He made her feel vulnerable. If he weren't here she wouldn't feel that
weak. She didn't know what to think anymore, she couldn't forget how
safe
she had felt with his arm around her. Why did he stare at her like
this?
Like he was worried about her? She'd preferred him to be cruel and
sarcastic, so she couldn't fool herself into believing that he cared
for
her safety. Or for her. Making her want him to comfort her. How could
she
want comfort from Saitoh Hajime? He was the last person on earth who
could
give that to her. She was only the toy in his little mind games. She
couldn't afford the price of a more complete victory than what he had
already got.
Why didn't he just leave her alone? She knew her tears were close, she
wasn't sure she could hold them any longer, but she'd be damned if she
broke in front of him, or let him know how miserable she felt. Her gaze
fell on the bathroom door. Seizing the first stupid pretext that came
to
her mind, she stood up, and walked towards it, hoping she still sounded
controlled enough.
"Thanks, I feel better. I need to take a shower. You can leave."
She didn't wait for an answer, and closed the door behind her,
swallowing a
first sob.
She had tried not to rush, but Saitoh could see she was escaping his
presence. He wondered once again why he didn't like when she was
avoiding
him. He had always thought that seeing her absolutely vulnerable would
please him. It didn't, and the realization was not pleasant either. He
wished he could still pretend that he wanted to hurt her. He didn't
hate
her. He didn't despise her. He actually felt like being NICE to her.
Shinomori was obviously not the only one to lose his mind tonight.
She was crying. He could hear faint sobs under the noise of the rushing
water. He fought with himself for several minutes, and he lit a
cigarette,
hoping to calm down. He knew what was going to happen if he got close
to
her. He was oddly disgusted at the thought. Like he had been furious at
her, at the hospital, when she assumed that he intended to taunt her.
Weakening her without pity, until she fell. Sleeping with her when she
was
vulnerable. Wasn't that the point of the game? Wasn't that why he had
played with her, until she surrendered?
It wasn't about games anymore.
He didn't know what he wanted from her, didn't know why he started that
game to begin with.
He had to leave this room. Stay in the other, and find a way to get
over
that woman for good. He didn't need anything in life. Only certainties,
and
he had no more when it came to her.
***
When Tokio came out of the bathroom, with the hotel's robe closed
around
her body, she wasn't feeling better, only empty and ashamed of herself.
She
had been unable to stop her tears, crying over everything: Soushi,
Misao,
Enishi, and worst of all, on herself. She couldn't believe she let
pressure
overcome her so easily. She lived on pressure. Yes, she had a lot to go
through. But she was used to violence, she had been stalked before, she
had
had contracts upon her head, she even had been shot once. How come she
reacted like a..a..sissy? She sighed. It was all his fault.
He wasn't there anymore. The door of her room was closed. She sighed
again,
and lied on the bed, closing her eyes. She had to rest. As she was
falling
asleep, images of the dead body in her living began to unroll in her
head,
followed by the other bodies, Soushi, Misao.She was home, there was
somebody watching her..she got closer to the window, and met Seta's mad
eyes..
She bolted, fully awake again. The room was hot but she was chilled.
She
finished the vodka bottle, with no real effect. She went for her
cigarette
pack and cursed, it was empty. She realized she didn't smoke for some
time.
Maybe that was why she had been so nervous. Yeah, right.
He had some cigarettes..She couldn't go there. She knew what was going
to
happen.
She wanted it to happen.
She needed comfort, and there was only one way she could get that from
him.
***
***
Saitoh was the first to wake up. He didn't repress a satisfied smirk as
he
felt her arms around him, although it vanished when he realized that he
was
holding her possessively by the waist. This time he couldn't pretend he
wasn't affected.
His life was duty, and he had never let anything or anybody come into
the
way, distract his mind. Nothing else mattered. He was still renting his
apartment because he refused any string attached to him. He wasn't even
sure that he would have befriended Okita unless they had been partners.
If
he wanted a woman, he took her to bed, for a night or several when the
opportunity presented itself. He had always left when they had asked
for
more, tried to involve him in a relationship or just to know him. He
had
never wanted any of them to call his name or talk to him during sex.
Never
let them take control of his senses, less his mind. Never thought of
them
as "his". And certainly never kissed them until they fell asleep
afterwards.
He looked at her sleeping face. For the first time, he allowed himself
to
think how beautiful she was. His eyes were drinking the sight of her
delicate, resting features, the aristocratic arc of her eyebrows, the
sensuous curve of her raspberry pink lips, the thick lashes resting on
her
high cheekbones.Not only he had wanted, but he had needed from her what
he
had always refused from all the others. He had needed to hear her
asking
him to make love to her, calling his name, telling him how he made her
feel. He didn't want to merely have her but to possess her.
Had he always felt that this would happen? Probably. Okita had told him
he
was unfair to her, several times. True, he admitted finally. But it was
safer to think he just despised her. When did he make the first
mistake?
The first time he kissed her, surely. Or maybe earlier, when he let his
dislike grow into hate. He had always felt that getting closer to her
in
any way was dangerous for him, but he had lately forgotten that hate
was
establishing a connection that despise didn't. And now she was lying in
his
arms, and he wanted her to stay there. He didn't know what he felt
towards
her anymore.
He had been worried about her last night. That wasn't good..
Well. He was, in some way, caring for her, and didn't mind having a
certain
intimacy with her.
It was the first time it happened to him, it was bothering, but it was
not
THAT bad.
Accepting it would make it easier to control. They could have a little
affair, then they would get tired of it and resume to a professional
relation, probably less tensed once all that would be behind them.
She stirred, smiling. Her eyes fluttered open, and she gazed at him for
a
while, a cautious expression appearing on her face.
He reached for his cigarette pack and his lighter.
"That's what I came for in the first place.."she grinned, taking the
cigarette he was offering to her.
He put the ashtray on the bed next to them.
"I hope you're not too disappointed," he answered, sarcastic.
"Mmm." She savored the first puff. Was there something better than
smoking
after sex? Apart from sex with Saitoh..
She finished her cigarette, wondering what to do. They had been so
close,
too close. Was he going to end things here? A part of her hoped he
would,
because she was unable to. The other part was afraid he would. She
tried to
decipher his expression.
He raised a brow at her silent question, bent to give her a quick kiss,
and
resumed smoking.
She rested her head on his shoulder, trying not to smile.
She felt good, she felt safe. Last night's fears and events appeared
like a
faraway nightmare. She had never asked, never needed, never even
thought of
being comforted by any man she had been with. And certainly never
imagined
that *he* could make her feel that way. Being with him was
different..it
could last, maybe..
Was she mad?
They could have a short affair, no more. They were working together;
they
were too different. Oh, they couldn't pretend to hate each other
anymore,
still they didn't like each other. She couldn't believe she was ready
to
have feelings for him just because sex with him was amazing. Her stupid
crush, due to her present weakness, was going to disappear after a few
weeks of routine. The word denial popped into her thoughts. Shut up.
"Once it's over, it will probably be easier to work together," she
forced
herself to say.
She was sensible about that too. Good, he thought, stopping there his
moronic introspection, which suggested that her detached comment
bothered
him.
To be continued..
Author's notes:
Thanks to Mara for her corrections of this chapter. And as always,
millions
of thanks to Mara and Firuze for their suggestions, encouragement, and
support. (^-^) Thanks to L.Sith for the comments and grammar check (^-^)
The title of the chapter is taken from Madonna's song "You're to have,
not
to hold" (Ray of light), which expresses well Tokio's feelings towards
Saitoh at this point.
The chapter is short, without the lemon. I think that reading the lemon
is
better to understand the shift in their relationship, as usual, but
this
time I hope that the chapter can make sense without it.
I apologize for the very late update. I had to edit the fic to post the
lemon version, and was still very, very busy. I also wanted to finish
and
post the prequel before this chapter. From now on, I will be more
regular,
I promise (^-^). Chapter 17 will come very soon, to make up for the
delay
(^-^).
For the understanding of certain aspects of the following chapters, I
posted Verdict, a two-chapters prequel happening during Soujiro's
trial.
Thanks a thousand to L.Sith, Firuze, SilverNimbus, Mary-Ann,
JadeGoddess
and The Lady for their reviews. I wrote the prequel hoping that the
readers
of Preys would appreciate it, and your response was worth it (^-^)
Thanks to the reviewers:
Devil: Thank you!!
L.Sith: It means that I did my job correctly! If you like Saitoh/Aoshi
little game, you shouldn't be disappointed. And, BTW, lots of mayhem in
perspective..(^-^)
Jadegoddess: I hope that it was what you expected. (^-^)
Leila Winters: In fact, I'm just getting started..Things are going to
hell
(^-^)
Firekat: I'm glad that you found it again. If you don't like sweet
Tokio,
you should like her better soon, she is going to retrieve a backbone.
And I
will finish the story (^-^)
Mary-Ann: Merci beaucoup! I'm usually very unsatisfied by my
writings.but I
liked chapter 15, and this one, too. They are pivotal for the story,
investigation and S/T relation. (^-^) Saitoh has something fatherly
(not
candy dad, though, yikes!) especially with Misao and Eiji in the manga,
but
here Misao was better off with Aoshi (^-^)
Firuze: I plead guilty for A/M, I turn into a complete mush, shame on
me!
Tokio and Enishi relation is going to be very important from now on.and
our
beloved brat isn't over with trouble.Thanks for your friendship. (^-^)
Child of Draco: Saitoh/Tokio interaction, 100%. Hope you liked it!
(^-^)
Sorry for the late update.
SilverNimbus: Thanks for your two reviews! The precision about the
pairings
was needed, so please don't be sorry, I'm thankful! The girls are
indeed
Ayame and Suzume, you'll learn a little later who they are. (^-^) About
Aoshi-sama being a great medicine, me think that you should like the
next
chapter (^-^).
Muemosyne: Thanks a lot for your compliments. I like K/K in the manga,
but
fanfics are different. I like alternate pairings when they are
believable
psychologically. I'm a bit obsessed with the characters' psyche and
development.I'm glad that you like it! For Soujiro, Watsuki said that
Okita
was his inspiration for the character (Okita's real first name was
Soujiro). Sorry that I kept you waiting, I hope to update more
regularly (^-
^).
Rose: Thank you, encouragements are always great! (^-^)
The Lady: Wow. Thanks a lot, it's an honor! And I like this kind of
ride (^-
^)!!! I hope that your schoolwork will go well.I'd feel guilty
otherwise.
You know, lots of non-native authors are doing their best so native
speakers won't tick off at every word, and lots of them are (way)
better
than me at this. For the partner, I hope I'll keep you guessing the
longer
I can (though I'm afraid that the clues are already too obvious). I'm
also
glad that you like Tokio, finding the perfect girl for Saitoh isn't
easy!
A/M are my little weakness, I'm not much into cuteness,
otherwise.always
nice to meet another one (^-^).
Dadsnavygirl831: Numerous stories deal with characters death and
considering the subject, I thought that some deaths had to be expected,
sorry if it shocked you (I made it clear on the summary of the other
site,
then). Thank you!
Next chapter: Saitoh is in a good mood (wonder why.), now it's Aoshi's
turn
to be pissed (at Enishi..wonder why, too). Kamatari's interrogation
reveals
interesting facts, and Enishi has to explain a couple of things. Some
forces are at work, but the team will realize it only later..
See you!
Kamorgana.
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