Journal Entry October, 2000
Life isn't all about the pretty
experiences
the flowery statements
or the moments of joy.
With it comes pain,
hurt,
and hard lessons.
I thought long and hard
about writing this page.
I realized it was a
critical element of growth,
and that, deep inside
I would always love the people
I had called our dearest friends
The same people that judged us
and cowered behind their attorneys
to protect the things we had given them
over the course of our friendship.
I also understand, however,
I was never meant to know them again.
Such is the reasoning behind this
page
about fair weather friends.
Markus, Heather, Andy, and Cara...Ryan and Sarah
were not only friends
they were invited into my heart
into my family
and into our family's financial security.
I mistook true friendship for need.
But rather than lament on that mistake,
I looked at what was happening
around us,
and saw we were not the only
people learning painfully difficult lessons.
Unfortunately, for many of our
past friends
there were very difficult lessons that were,
and are
about to become a part of their reality.
If someone could have told me before this
I was about to lose everything,
and many of the people around our family
only cared about themselves, would I have wanted to know?
I ask myself this often,
as many lifelong friends have now returned
to offer love, support and insight.
With us,
I see we are walking the road to a new beginning.
I know we gave from the heart
I know we are working to give everything we have to
the people that have been hurt by our past errors in judgement.
I know I never want to run a major company,
or open myself up to be used,
like this again.
But our past friends,
For many of them,
they are in a pattern that is about
to bring them crashing into reality
Part of me wishes we would have done this together,
but upon reflection, I knew it could never be that way.
I learned compassion
through pain and loss I hear people saying his career
is slowly fading
Repeating old cycles I have come to learn that is Heather used to sum many of 'those'
people And in the end it would be their
own responses
Now they are destined to learn the same.
Recently, I've been sadly watching Markus
as he mechanically throws away his future.
His unrelenting focus for the past months
has been so keenly directed to commercialism
his primary goals remain
on marketing and licensing
and ultimately
On cash and materialism
from the spotlight
to a stolen 20 minutes
on someone else's coat tails.
The saddest part is,
he was without question
one of the most talented artists I had ever met.
Yet I've watched as his world continues to fade
as he distinguishes himself, along with Heather,
as people who value monetary possessions
over people
over friendship
even marriage
in turn mocking the musical artwork
Markus had the power to convey and create.
Inevitably turning a cold shoulder on everything
one would think of
in the final moments before dying.
Returning to previous employers
at minuscule pay until he is eventually forced
into a lonely cold silence
where he must then face the coldness
he and his wife had cast on so many people people
from each other, to friends,
and even to the dedicated fans and groupies
they had treated like garbage.
This bitter lesson may well painfully distinguish him
from the ingenious select few
composers, producers and artists
that truly remain interested
in conveying the essence of their soul,
allowing the crowds
to crawl into their most intimate passions.
the true distinguishing difference between
the man who sells his talent, his friends, his life,
for materialistic things other people gave him from the heart
because they believed in his future......
from a member of the inner sanctum, the proverbial "brass ring"
up by saying ....." They were starting to believe their own press" ,
an ironic statement that echoes in me,
virtually every day.
Through our recent living hell
I came to learn the press was nothing,
more often than not,
than a biased depiction of one persons
unfamiliar assessment and opinion,
yet it was an opinion
Heather and Markus absolutely coveted.
The opinions and claims of strangers
would eventually destroy
the years of close friendship
in which I had handed my heart
to Markus and Heather, to Andy,
to these people I called my closest friends,
in such unfaltering assurance.
It would be the unfounded claims of strangers
that would be the judge and jury
that would spiritually try and convict
the essence of my character with them,
They would leave with everything we gave them
knowing we had nothing left...
They would not try to help,
but would create their own future karma
to the claims of complete strangers
that would eventually expose their own character,
and in time,
the true essence of their original intentions.
For that inevitable forthcoming isolation and pain
they are sure to experience
for the inevitable materialistic loss
they must be stripped of in order
to understand what is truly important
I am surprising, and overwhelmingly, sad.
Some of my best friends are
illusions.
Been sustaining me for years. Sheila Ballantyne
US writer
Copyright
© 2004 Maryanne & Mark F. Chisholm. All rights reserved.