July 24, 2002

So the past two weeks I�ve been agonizing about dropping this class. I had been looking forward to it all summer, and now, I�m just disappointed. Sitting in the lecture hall pretty much brought up all the bad memories of my college years. Long sleepy lectures, apathetic students, equipment never working, �weeder� classes, and guest instructors (since the college can�t afford real instructors).

But it also brought up other memories, the fear of failure, the fear of quitting, the fear of being inferior. College brought up the possibility that I didn�t have what it took. And there is nothing like a regimented grading system to remind you of that.

So what was the dilemma? Am I giving up? Was this all a self-delusion? Do I have what it takes to get off my ass and do something? Am I taking the class because it is an easy way to learn, or because it is a systematic way to learn?

I never really learned to undo bad choices. Instead, I taught myself to barrel through until something broke, me or the choice. Is that determination, or denial?

Does anyone remember growing up in high school, surrounded by these influences to choose your future? The feeling of dread if you didn�t choose the right future? Is that the right way to go about things? Shouldn�t we choose a future that we want, not because we are afraid of making the wrong choice?

Am I thinking about this too much?