May 15, 2001

Remember that night so long ago when we went to see that porn flick at the UC Theatre? You know, kids out of college, pretending to be doing something wild, pretending to be so artsy and intellectual. We were going with our lovers, so we were also pretending to be sexy.

I watched the film with a mixture of fascination and repulsion. You said that I didn't look like I was enjoying myself. I was pretty uptight back then. I still am. But my question is: What were you looking at ME for?

Then we lost touch with each other. I had my own shit to deal with so I vanished from my previous life. But, a couple of years later, I saw you standing on the stairs during a Prop 187 demonstration. What circumstance compelled me to overcome my terminal shyness and my shame to approach you?

I remember the long conversations piecing together all the crap that happened to us. If only I had spoken up freshman year, we might have escaped all the betrayals and backstabbing. That's what we concluded, and I often wished I was braver back then.

We talked about how it sucked to be in love, especially since our love interests (targets? victims!) didn't care for us at all. We'd talk over irish coffees wondering why people didn't love us.

I often tell people we have a friendship borne of adversity. We were good for each other. We really needed each other.

I feel that ten-plus years of loving (if neurotic) history is worth more than a notch on a bedpost. (Though, I must admit, I'll never like any guy you date...)

Happy Birthday.