MST3K DIARY

An MST3K treatment of the story by Maril

http://www.geocities.com/manzanacore/diary.html

DISCLAIMER-persusual legal stuff
SUMMARY-self-explanatory
COMMENTS-apologies to Mlles. Fielding and Swan

~~~~~

SERVO: Dear Diary, today was another crappy day.

SUNDAY 1 APRIL

8:00 a.m. Awake, sunny day.

NELSON: (singing) Good morning, Starshine.
CROW: The earth says hello.

Last night, soldiers' deaths o, (v.g.) keep up this record, may not go to Hell as previously feared.

SERVO: No, you won't go to Hell.
ARCHANGEL: I wouldn't get your hopes up about Heaven, though.
TESS (angel): A little Purgatory will fix that.

Holes in blouse 4. Will try to fix, avoid lecture from Marta about carelessness with clothes, self

CROW: In your dreams, Tessie.

8:10 a.m. Searching for needles, thread, can't find

NELSON: Try looking in the haystack.

8:20 a.m. Found same. Hidden in sewing beasket.

HELM: (sarcastic) Boy, not too obvious.

8:35 a.m. Holes mended (v.g), (ahhgh) sleeve sewn together, can't put arm in.

SERVO: Another proud graduate of the Helen Keller Sewing School.

8:40 a.m. Gave blouse to Marta, received lecture from same on carelessness with clothes, self and bad sewing. Kept temper for at least 2 minutes (v.g.)

METHOS: Why not take bloody sewing lessons?
TESSA: A lady does not sully her hands with such menial work.
MARTA: SCREW YOU, BITCH!

8:45 a.m. To make peace with Marta, will make breakfast of oatmeal, her favourite.

CROW/SERVO/NELSON: NO! NOT THE OATMEAL!

8:50 a.m. Searching for oats, can't find

HELM: Thank God!

9:00 a.m. Found oats

NELSON: Aw shit!

in obvious place, oat bin in stable

ALL: DUUHHHHHHHH!!!

(am amazingly self-sufficent person)

CROW: Try 'amazingly CLUELESS', sweetpea.

9:10 a.m. Started oats cooking, doesn't look like Marta's oatmeal

SERVO: It looks like--
NELSON: Don't even go there, Servo.

9:45 a.m. Still cooking, looks like glue with hard bits in it.

CHICO: Hey! Leave my Aunt Bea out of this!

10:00 a.m. Marta tasted oats,

CROW: And immediately died of food poisoning.

got lecture from same on terrible cooking.

TESSA: Ungrateful bitch.

Kept temper for over a minute (v.g.)

KRONOS: I would've slapped her around the kitchen.

10:15 a.m. Fed oats to Chico. At least horse appreciates my cooking

CHICO: (gagging) Speak for yourself, lady!

MONDAY 2 APRIL

9:00 p.m. In Town. Dressed as the Queen. Am in steady relationship with man

SERVO: I sure hope so.
KRONOS: Given her relationship with the Gypsy, she could swing both ways.
CROW: Hooray! A three-way!

Not doomed to be an old maid as previously feared. Problem:

NELSON: There's always a catch.

eternal triangle; further problem: am both other sides of triangle.

MONTOYA: Are you the Queen of Swords or Sybil?

9:10 p.m. Still in Town. Minutes spent working up nerve to visit doctor 10 (poor)

CROW: So why did you tell us you had a 'steady relationship'?

minutes spent daydreaming

METHOS: It's night, ducks. Don't you mean 'nightdreaming'?

about visiting doctor 240 (obsessing not v. good)

9:45 p.m. Back at Home. Minutes explaining to Marta where I was 10. Kept temper for at least one minute (v.g.)

GRISHAM: You're a grown woman, for Christ's sake!
NELSON: You don't have to answer to anyone.

TUESDAY 3 APRIL

10:00 a.m. Home. Must plan to stop arms shipment into Santa Helena. If same get into Montoya's hands, could mean trouble.

MONTOYA: (indignant) I have to defend my people, inconsiderate hussy!

10:10 a.m. Trying to think of good plan, am thinking of doctor instead.

MARIL, JO, et al: Keep your mind on the shipment, lady! The doctor's OURS!

10:50 a.m. Finally have plan, not for shipment but for relationship with doctor

NELSON: A picnic dinner.
SERVO: Midnight walk along the beach.
CROW: Maybe skinny dipping.
ALL: Then SHAGTIME!!

11:00 a.m. Now have plans for shipment.

TESSA: Oh, yeah. The shipment. I forgot about that.
HELM: How to keep our priorities straight.

11:10 a.m. Explained plan to Marta.

11:20 a.m. Received ten minute lecutre on insanity of plan and self. Almost kep temper (not v.g.)

NELSON: Why? I wouldn't tell her anything.

1:30 p.m. Santa Helena. Marta at market, am working up nerve to visit doctor.

SERVO: Ah yes. Her 'steady relationship'.

No symptoms. Must come up with good reason for visit.

CROW: Just say you want to jump his bones, toots.

1:45 p.m. Still in Town. Walked over to doctor's office and entered (am fearless person with steady nerves)

1:46 p.m. saw Doctor. Kept temper for two minutes (v.g.) In spite of lecture form same over failure to knock on door.

HELM: Knock and I won;t have to keep lecturing you, you bloody stupid COW!

1:49 p.m. Outside Doctor's office. Will wait for Marta at wagon. (am doomed to be old maid after all)

SERVO: (singing) It's a heartache! Nothing but a heartache!
CROW: When your arms ache!
NELSON: And nobody's around

(with apologies to Bonnie Tyler)

NEIL

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