Trying to Kill "Me."
"DIGGING IN THE DIRT�
TO FIND THE PLACES WE GOT HURT."
-PETER GABRIEL Song
I have a picture of myself taking a drink out of my aunt Bonnie�s screwdriver at The age of 2,
I started drinking alcoholicly at the age of 9. I come from an alcoholic family.
When I first got sober in 1988, at the age of 23, I used to love it when old timers would come
up to me and tell me that they �spilt more than I drank.� My reaction to that was always the same;
�Boy were you ever clumsy!�
My family were "river rats." We spent most of every summer from the time I was too young
to remember, until the time I was about 21 boating, fishing, and water-skiing on the Colorado River.
At a very young age I was diagnosed hyperactive and put on medications so that I would not disrupt
classrooms in school. As a result I learned from a very young age that; "One pill makes you larger,
and one pill makes you small�." as the song goes.
In short, I learned to self medicate.
Because I was such an unruly kid, my parents started letting me drink beer, to try to settle me down,
at the age of 9. They�d give me the first couple of beers, and then I�d sneak as much as
I thought I could get away with out of the icebox.
Also, because I was rather unwieldy, my family would try curtailing my behavior by the use of shaming
messages. Which, of course, gave me even more reason to drink to try to feel better about myself.
At the age of 13 I smoked my first pot. From that moment on I had a new friend. I believed I had found
the answer to all my prayers, something to take away all of my feelings of shame. A shame that only
grew deeper with my eventual discovery of my homosexuality and all of the societal implications
and shaming messages that go with coming out at a young age. All of which, combined with the
shame and guilt that I was already carrying around with me from everywhere else gave me
what I thought was good reason and a strong urge to kill "Me."
Me, the crazy little brat.
Me, the conniving little self centered, manipulative liar.
Me the hopeless sinner.
The "Me" I believed I was. The "Me" that I was convinced did not deserve to live. So, everything
I drank, smoked, or snorted, I did to excess. All in an effort to either feel better about "Me," or to kill "Me,"
whichever came first. I didn�t care which, as long as I could keep that "Me" buried under a ton of booze,
drugs, lies, and sex to the point where I didn�t have to look at it, or deal with it in any mature way.
As a result, when I finally got to the rooms of AA, I didn�t even know who the real me was.
Was I in for a pleasant surprise!
ROOMS WITH A PAST.
I got to these rooms by way of ACA, (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and Co-Dependants Anonymous back in 1983,
four years before I, myself got sober, back when I was trying to blame all of my problems on everybody else.
What the people in those rooms kept telling me was that I had to work on the primary addiction first before
I could start working on these other issues. The primary addiction, of course, being my own alcoholism and
drug addiction. I didn�t even get that at first, nor did I care to hear it, until I was about 6 months sober.
I came to the rooms of AA on October 31st 1988 in order to try to salvage a relationship that went by the
wayside anyway. My lover at the time had an engraved invitation to the rooms given him by a judge,
and was beginning to warm to the idea of getting sober himself, and, I figured if he got sober and
I didn�t, it would eventually mean splitsville for us. So, after one last hurrah at the local watering hole,
I originally got sober on November 5th 1988.
(Unfortunately, not my sobriety date now, But more on that later.)
That relationship didn�t survive. Which is not to say I didn�t find a relationship worth salvaging in
these rooms. I did�.
12 SIMPLE STEPS.
My sponsor had to spoon-feed me this program, when I got here,as if I were a third grader. So,
he taught me 12 simple steps.
For step 1; raise your hand and identify as an alcoholic, and you�ve basically done it.
For steps 2&3; trust someone in the rooms, other than yourself.As long as I wasn�t
my own higher power, living in self will, I�d be fine.
Steps 4&5; do according to the outline on page 65 of the Big Book as honestly as possible,
honesty being the key.
Step 6 simply states where I�ll be if I worked the first five to the best of my ability; entirely
ready to have my shortcomings removed, and, for step 7, humble enough to ask.
By the time I got to steps 8&9, if I my 4th step was fearless and thorough; hey, I�d already
had a list! All that was left for me to do was rewrite that list, and start making direct amends
where ever possible. Which only deepened and broadened my humility,
And strengthened my relationship with myself, my higher power and others.
My sponsor also told me that, when I was ready to make an amends, that the words would just come,
and that �I�m sorry� is a complete sentence. Then it was up to the other person whether to
accept the amends or not.
After that, steps 10-12 are all maintenance. Just use what you�ve learned, and pass it on.
OFF THE DEEP END�AGAIN�.
The maintenance steps are where I slipped up in December of 1998 at 10 years sober. Simply put;
I wasn�t maintaining my sobriety. My mother was dying of cancer, and my program wasn�t strong
enough to keep me sober. Complacency had set in, and I drank again on Christmas Eve with my
mom on her deathbed. Then, dummy that I was, I carted myself off, sotted out of my mind, to midnight
mass at a church that I helped found, in sobriety, where my sponsor happened to be the rector. I will
never forget the look on his face when he saw me there blitzed to the tee! Oh, did that ever cut through
the ol� drunken fog!
MIRACLES HAPPEN�.
But, I�m back.
It�s been a long haul but along the way I have grown to know and love a very special person.
Me!
Me the artist, me the teacher, me God�s beloved and special child.
I can only wish the same for you, and invite you to join us as we trudge the road to happy destiny.
May God bless you, and keep you �til then
Love-
-Scotty
|