by Arnie
Of course, it all started when soldier boy was given a mission. Simple he said, easy. Go in, break into a safe, and come home again. Simple. The Warden needs a dictionary, he doesn't understand the word simple. Then again, maybe he could look up the word 'no' at the same time and tell those jerks he works for what it means. Simple...I ask you.
So, we got in the plane. Lots of noise, lots of bumpin'. Why is it always bad weather when they send us up? The only time it wasn't, we got shot out of the sky. The Limey didn't look well from the start; he hates flyin'. Course, we don't like flyin' when the Limey gets sick. Good job it doesn't take long to fly across the Channel - I'd hate to be stuck in a plane with Goniff for any longer.
We parachuted out of course. What is it about the Army and jumpin' out of planes? The Warden does it all the time. Course, coming in by sub ain't exactly the best thing either. The Krauts seem to like puttin' holes in those babies. And subs with holes in 'em tend to go in one direction: down.
Anyway, there we were in France. Again. Jeez, we might as well start livin' there. The Warden met this French guy, called Antoine. He was takin' us to the Kraut's house, the one with the safe. Then again, most Krauts seem to have safes. What did they do, put in a bulk order for them when they started invadin' places?
We all stood around while the Warden argued with Tony. Apparently, Tony wasn't too happy at takin' us up to the Kraut's house right away. The Kraut was holdin' some big party and he'd invited every Kraut he could find to it. Course, soldier boy was just dyin' to get up there. He probably wanted to poison the canapes or put a grenade in the punch to help the war effort. Well, it looked like the French Resistance beat him to it.
Nope, they weren't going to the house, they were fire-bombing a petrol depot half a mile away. Well, I thought that that should've cleared some of the Krauts from the house. Made it easier for us.
Right, we weren't waitin'. We were goin' in and gettin' out before the depot went up. If I could've spoken French I'd've advised Tony to give it up. No-one moves the Warden when he's made a plan. There he was, he was drawin' in the dirt again. What is it with that guy and drawin' in the dirt?
We were goin' in while the party was in full swing. We'd steal the plans. The Warden decided that no-one would notice if we did it while the party was goin' on. I thought that'd be sweet. I've always wanted to break into a house with a few thousand Krauts partyin' it up downstairs. Tony was still arguin' but he wasn't gettin' anywhere. I could've told him he wouldn't win.
So, there I was, crackin' open the safe, with soldier boy watchin' the door. The others got to wait outside, dressed as Kraut soldiers. Next time we do this, I'm teachin' the Limey how to open the safe; I'll sit outside. I got the plans. The Warden pulled his camera out and started taking pictures for the family album while I kept an eye on the door. Of course, seein' as it was us, one of the Krauts decided that he had to show his best friend the plans he had stashed in his safe. I warned soldier boy, and we got off into the next room. The Warden hadn't finished takin' his pictures, so we had wait. And what did that damn Kraut do but sit his butt down in the chair and start talkin' to the other?
I asked the Warden what they were talking about, an' you know what he said? Opera. We were stuck in that damn room, waitin' for that damn Kraut to go and he was sittin' there gassin' about opera. For Christ's sake. How much can you say about it?
Finally, they went. But only after playin' a few records for old times' sake. I was about ready to bust. We went back in, got the plans copied and left.
Course while we were stuck upstairs listening to Hans an' Herman discuss their favourite songs, the other three were by the cars, waitin'. Not knowin' what was goin' on. By the time we got back, Goniff had chewed off all of his nails and was up to his knuckles.
We slid over the wall and looked for Tony. We couldn't see him anywhere. Just then, all hell broke loose. That petrol depot went up with one hellova bang.
We just stood there for about five seconds, like a bunch of rabbits caught in the headlights. Then we heard the Krauts come pouring out of the party wondering what the hell had happened to their depot. The Warden didn't plan on stayin' around to explain that the Resistance had been playin' with matches, so we got out of there.
Unfortunately the Krauts got annoyed over their depot goin' bang and they set up roadblocks all around the place tryin' to catch anyone who didn't have the papers to prove that they lived there. Course, that included us. The Warden isn't too keen on gettin' put up against a wall and shot, (neither am I, if it comes to that), and since there were Krauts comin' up the road to meet us, and Krauts headin' down the road to catch us, we all climbed over the wall and found ourselves in the local convent's vegetable patch.
The Mother Superior spotted us right away. I've met a few nuns and priests in my time, in fact, my cousin's a nun, and if you ask me they've got eyes in the back of their heads. You can't get away with anythin' with one of them around. They must have radar fitted with their rosary beads. She didn't turn us in to the Krauts though. She took us in and hid us. Course, it's a convent and you can't have five guys wanderin' around. Even the blindest Kraut is goin' to notice somethin' then. So here we are.
All five of us. Dressed as nuns. And if the Warden thinks he's gettin' away with this one, he's wrong.
~finis~
