Manoj's
One Liners
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Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
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Q:
Why dogs don't marry?
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A
history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked.
'Anything new at work?'
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Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over & whispered: My butt is going to sleep. 'I know,' replied the other, 'I heard it snore three times.'
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Q:
What's the diff between mother & wife?
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A guy
took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their
views on various issues. On his very first call, he introduced myself,
"Hello, this is a telephone poll."
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Santa
enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does
this again and again. Why?
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Boss:
I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So
when would you like to start?
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A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !!!!!
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I took my secretary to lunch the other day, and I discovered she was not the old fashioned type. After two old fashions she couldn't type. |
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Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
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An
army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then
returned.
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A
priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is
the meaning of life?
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A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
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Santa
tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.
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An application for job came in with an applicant's picture attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was hand written: "Picture on front".
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What's the difference between me and a Viking?" Olli asked.
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Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
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As an
inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above
the sink. It had a single word on it: THINK
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At
weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
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Two
little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned
over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
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Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to
exclamatory sentence.
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People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,
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May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
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Father talking to his son: Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're a lawyer.
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Pappu:
Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my
seat to a lady.
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Woman
sends knickers to the launderette but they still come back stained. Next
time she sends a note: Use more soap on clothes.
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Mom:
Where r u off to now?
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Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
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The
Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
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In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway.
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I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.
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Bumper Sticker: Not so close! I'm still making payments.
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Your daddy must be a terrorist because you're a BOMB!
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Santa in an antique shop, Do you have anything new?
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Two
taxicab drivers met.
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Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
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An
exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "I'm glad to see
you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
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The
mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike,
right down to the youngest baby.
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Q:
What's the difference between good & bad gals?
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A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".
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Can I
go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
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Q:
How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
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Banta
was visiting Santa, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. Santa responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
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A
teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
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Q:
Did you hear about the blonde who was tap dancing?
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Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about you?
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Sign in a pathology: It might be piss and shit for u, but for us it is bread and butter.
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Q:
Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
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Heght
of optimism:
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Said
to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the
trains are always late.
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A
girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what
is a lover?"
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A
recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his
wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
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Banta: Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love
to every woman in our street except one."
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Santa
was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
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Q:
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
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Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where you get your shitty ideas from!
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The
judge read the charges, then asked: Are you the defendant in this case?
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Jeeto:
I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
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Doctor: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals
three times a day as I advised?
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Q:
Why do men fart more often than women?
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Q:
Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
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Santa's inventions:
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Banta: Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
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Pilot
Santa asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
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A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why it didn't happen.
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There
are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
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"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
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"Will
the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
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A
beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, "I haven't eaten anything in
four days."
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When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
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Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
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Q:
What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
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Q:
What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
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Q:
Why did the Gujju go to London?
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Q:
Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
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Gujju
Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa,
Kuch mitha sa kaho!
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Jeeto:
If I die what'll you do?
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Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
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Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
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Q:
Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six
children?
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The
owner of a company tells his employees:
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Q:
Why do blondes keep empty milk cartons in the fridge?
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Q:
Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
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The 3
stages of man:
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Our
last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
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Q:
Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the
office?
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My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on its back.
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Panting and sweating, Santa and Banta on a tandem bicycle finally made it to
the top of a steep hill.
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A
woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her and says, "Hi, honey, want a
little company?"
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Q:
Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
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An
astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him.
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Banta: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?
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Once
Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know whyy?
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Q:
What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can't get
it he uses his hands?
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Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without Information
Fighting Evrytime!
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Santa: What kind of a wife do you want?
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Q:
What does a lazy dog chase?
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Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?
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Q:
Did you hear about the new Iraqi tank?
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A
teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young
Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
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Q:
Which month do soldiers hate most?
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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress. I keep
losing my temper with people.
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An
American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously
produces milk, meat and eggs.
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Q:
Why did the Santa put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
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Q:
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
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Santa
was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said,
"Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks(****).
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A man
gets into a cab and asks the cab driver, "Hey, do you have room for a 6 pack
of beer and a large pepperoni pizza up front?"
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A cop
stops a drunk him and asks:
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Two
flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
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Doctor, I always am afraid of anything without any reason.
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A
nurse in hospital asks the patient with broken-down head:
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A psychiatrist says to his patient, "So, you say that you're happy to pay your taxes...And when did this start?"
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A
drunk got into a taxi and told the driver, "Take me to The Piccadely Hotel."
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What
about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
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A
blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!"
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At
weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."
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Jeeto
was about to give birth to a baby.
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Will
you love me after marriage also?
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A
morning dialogue:
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Two
lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
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Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out
into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out."
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God
thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother.
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Q:
Why did the tomato turned red?
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What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
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A
recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range
for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind
them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot
myself."
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Height of Patriotism: U sitting on an English toilet in Indian style.
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Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
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Q:
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
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Q:
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
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Q:
How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
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Q:
How is an ear of corn like an army?
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"Now
my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die
that day, and he was right about that too."
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A
woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall
parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a
stop sign.
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A
doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per
hour then we get paid for medical care."
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Man:
I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
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A
salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months
later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
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Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
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A man
tries to push an elderly woman over a balcony's railing on the third floor.
A crowd of onlookers on the sidewalk is angry.
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Did
you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door
to the convent?
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Q:
What kind of work goes on in a salt & pepper factory?
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The
boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked
up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
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Height of possesiveness: Constipation !!
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Height of honesty: Pregnant woman paying 1.5 times the fare.
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Two
men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right
foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points
at his foot and says, "Kargil, 1999."
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Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in
the flat where they lived.
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When in life, you wake up and you don't see anyone, then come to me. I will be there to take you to an eye specialist!
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A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
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During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road
encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the
wheel.
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The
Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you
in here again."
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True
bravery is arriving home late, after a boys night out, being assaulted by
your wife with a broom and asking ...
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Why
are all those people running?
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Soon
after their wedding, the bride told her groom, "Darling, now that we are
married, I want you to fire your secretary."
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"How
was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
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Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to."
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Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
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Professor to noisey students: "Every time I open my mouth some fool speaks."
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A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"
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Q:
What do women and tax forms have in common? |