I have tried and tried to push it out of my mind, but no matter how much and how hard I try, I just can't get over her.
It's weird, but it doesn't really hit you until something like this happens. Now that she's getting married, it's hitting hard for me.
I guess deep down I always thought or hoped that maybe she wouldn't go through with it, maybe somehow, some way, there was a small minute chance that I'd have a second try, another opportunity to make things right. It hurts so bad now because this just seems to "finalize" things. I still love and care for her so deeply it's insane.
What hurts the most is that all I want her to be is happy, and I am realizing more and more that I can't give her that happiness. I physically ache sometimes just thinking about her, or about that summer. She lived so far away, but when either of us looked up into the night sky, and saw the moon, it was like we weren't so far away...now everytime I see the moon, it hurts. I've cried so many times (even while writing this), I just want it to stop.
I want so much to be happy myself, but for some reason I can't seem to find anyone. I've prayed for so long and so hard for this, and though I shouldn't expect instant gratification (especially in a matter such as this), but I've been waiting so long and I'm starting to think that horrible thoughts. I don't want to be alone, but what choice do I have? Why, why why...I just don't know.
I love her so much...I always thought I was going to be the one waiting for her at the end of the aisle.
You know what's worse? I'm sure if you've lost someone dear it can sometimes be painful to hear/see/smell/what not certain stimuli that was/is connected in some way to that person...but what do you do when you and that other person had/have almost everything in common? That's what it's been like for me. Almost everything reminds me of her...the summer, the moon, many songs, Instant Messenging, a lot.
I keep asking the Lord why, but what does it matter anymore...I never get a response.
I just can't believe I found my soul mate (which few people are fortunate enough to do) and lost her...what kind of sick and cruel game is that? One in which I'm inexplicably forced to play a part of...
I'm not selfish. I just want to finally be happy with someone. I want to have what so many take for granted. It sickens me to even think of the countless couples out there or the number of people out there who think love and dating and relationships are all just a big joke or game.
Well I guess the joke's on me...I work hard all season practicing and training, adhering to a strict routine and schedule. I even find time for friends, family and school. When it comes to tryouts, however, I fail miserably and get cut from the team. Then I wonder why I even liked the game in the first place. I thought I had what it took to play the game, but I guess I'm just not good enough. I come back every season to tryout, but time after time I fail.
Well, good for me. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger, right?
What, a load, of crock.
