Who have I been kidding? Only myself.
Deluded myself to think there was a chance. I wanted it so badly.
We come from different worlds though, it could never be. She's the one everyone wants, but only few can have.
Why did I lead myself to believe, that we had a future together?
I seem to constantly hurt myself, then retreat back into the dismal abyss of my mind's sanctuary.
Where, O Lord, is the sign I've been waiting for?
Am I meant to live a life of solitude? I don't want that, but who wants someone who mopes? who constantly complains about their life?
Maybe therein lies my weakness; my emotions. I wear them like a coat of armor, but how strong are they if they cannot even protect me from a stone?
I loved her. No, I still love her. She is beyond beauty. She is everything and nothing I've ever wanted. She's a paradox in itself.
If righteousness could be given a present-day form, she would be it.
If beauty was tangible, she would be it.
If intellect, cunning, and love were to take human form, she, would be it.
I try to make those around me happy, I put on a facade to hide my true feelings. How am I able to make others happy to be around me, but not make them happy to be with me? To those who say, I must be happy with myself, first, I say, I am happy with myself. I am happy about the person that God has made me into. Why, then, do others not see that? What is it about me that repels those whom I love so dearly?
Women say they want a man who is sensitive, who can make them laugh. I know no other man who is more sensitive than I. And do I not make others laugh? They say they want a man who will protect them, but will also respect them. I have vowed to give my life for the ones I love, and isn't obvious that I respect women?
Why, then, do I see so many unhappy women. They complain that they are not happy, but continue to go back to those who hurt them because they claim they are in love.
I may not know what love is, but I know what love is not.
Love is not tangible. It is not something you can see, or hear.
Love isn't your boyfriend hitting you or getting you pregnant, and telling you that he loves you.
Love is not "that hot guy over there" that you'd like to sleep with.
Love is not something that should be thrown around like it doesn't matter.
So, if these things are not love, then why do so many delude themselves and lie to themselves telling so many that they are in love, when in fact, they are only kidding themselves?
That is a question I have been struggling with, and I fear I shall never know the answer.
When I love someone, it isn't for what they look like on the outside. You may say that "inner beauty" is just something lonely or ugly people say, but I ask you, who have you loved lately? Are you with them now, today? If so, what was the first thing you noticed about them when you met them? If it was something physical, then perhaps you should not delude yourself any further.
Those whom I have loved, truly loved, are beyond physically attractive.
Personality
Humor
Quirks; such as when their eyes light up when they find something amusing, or when they get excited over Spongebob Popsicles ;-).
Love and Compassion for others
Most importantly, they have Christ.
Alas, I'm only kidding myself. I want so badly that which I cannot have, all at the expense of friendship. Friendship is love, too.
I will always be there for you, and always care for you, and always, yes, love you.
Please don't spend less time with me, just because I want to spend every minute with you. I know you're afraid of me saying this, but why? You want me to tell you exactly how I feel, and so I am being honest. There's nobody I'd rather be with than you. I am here whenever you need me.
I will be further honest, and say that I weep at the thought of not being able to be with you, but it is not your fault. The heart wants what the heart wants. God must not have inteded us to be together. I will have to learn to accept that and move on.
If love is thinking of someone every minute of every day, then it is you, whom I love. Please do not back away, or not talk to me. Your silence hurts me. It pains me when we do not speak. You are more beautiful than anything I have ever imagined, so when you are gone, it is like someone has taken the sunshine away from me.
I love you, I always will. I can't help that, but please don't back away from me. I've confessed this to you before, and you seem to run away. Why fear my love? I know it is not something you want to hear, but it is something I need to say. I want you in my life.
The only Christmas present I want this year, is someone to spend it with. This is not a guilt trip or a pity party or a "poor me" act for those who know me. I just want you to understand why I act the way I do sometimes. When you look into my eyes, and ask me what I'm thinking, know that I am thinking of you. Always. I will continue to wait for the Lord to provide me with an answer. Sometimes, though, I wonder if it's not the other person who cannot hear me calling...
If you have truly given it thought, and decided that we should not try, then please say this is so. I will understand, I promise you this. If, however, you think differently, then consider me. I may not have much, but I have what it takes to love, respect and protect you. I know I'm not the kind of "boyfriend" you'd imagine showing off to your friends, or family, but consider this: Are they truly happy in their relationships? Are you happy in yours?
I will forever wait, even if it takes you forever, because I would rather live knowing that at least I tried, than die thinking you'd reject me. Even if this is so, and you do not care to go that far, than stay by my side, as my friend. Love makes a friendship stronger. Not weaker. *****
Well, anyway, that's all for now...I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings or scare anyone away...or make others think I'm pathetic for that matter, heh.
Vive L'Amour!