Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one

day after school. Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red

Corvette. "Someday I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those

Corvettes," he said.

 

Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand

new Ferrari. "I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast

Ferrari."

 

Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."

 

The other two jaws dropped. "That's what my sister does, and she owns

both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.

 

 

 

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their

options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was

a homosexual.

 

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge

in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

 

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never

again indulge himself in his vice.

 

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs,

they passed a bar.

 

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not

stop himself.

 

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of

whiskey.

 

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his

stool, stone cold dead.

 

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously

they must take the doctor's words.

 

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the

ground, still burning.

 

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to

pick that up, we're both dead."

 

 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she

told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the

nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby

there.

 

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

 

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.

I'll take care of expenses."

 

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

 

 

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the

office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail

today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to

you."

 

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the

floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead

medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had

precipitated the cardiac arrest.

 

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without."

 

 

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a

particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

 

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

 

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both

saw movement around the woman's eyes.

 

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her

husband and let him know."

 

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some

movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic

hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The

Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little

more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest

that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

 

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several

moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The

Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

 

"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

 

 

It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had

mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long

before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he

kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth.

      The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an

assistant downstairs to find out what was going on.

      "Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting

next to the seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is

empty?"

      "Yeah. It's my wife's seat."

      "And why is it empty?"

      "She died."

      "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a

friend to come to the game with you today?"

      "Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her

funeral."

 

 

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody

asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died

before we could consummate the marriage."

 

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our

wedding day."

 

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat

on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

 

 

For most of history, baby-having was in the hands (so to

speak) of women. Many fine people were born under this

system. Things changed in the 1970s. The birthrate dropped

sharply.  Women started going to college and driving

bulldozers and carrying briefcases and using words like

debenture. They didn't have time to have babies… Then young

professional couples began to realize that their lives were

missing something: a sense of stability, of companionship, of

responsibility for another life. So they got Labrador

retrievers. A little later, they started having babies again,

mainly because of the tax advantages.

 

 

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and

you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

      "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so

miserable."

      The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he

said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing

suit on and run around the block three or four times."

      "What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

      "We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

 

 

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering

the question of whose profession was the oldest.

      "I think my line of work would win this one hands

down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from

Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me."

      "Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order

was created out of chaos. That was architectural

accomplishment."

      "Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone

had to create the chaos.

 

 

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the

backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle

house, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the

man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

      Just as he was getting started, an old man called from

inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that

guy you're talking to?"

      "Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.

      "In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with

you."

 

 

Have you heard about the lawyer with a conscience?

Neither has anyone else.

 

 

"I've seen plenty of batting slumps," the manager told one of

his coaches. "But I've never had a whole lineup in a slump

before."

      The team had lost 10 of its last 20 games, scoring only

eight runs during that whole stretch. The best they'd done

was four hits in a game.

      "We have to try something different," the manager said

to his batting coach.

      "What do you have in mind?" the batting coach asked

warily.

      "I'm going into the batting cage myself," the manager

said.

      The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager

was desperate, willing to try anything.

      With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the

first pitch and missed. He missed the second pitch. Ditto the

third, fourth, and fifth. On the sixth pitch, he just nicked

the ball, which dribbled back to the pitcher's mound.

      The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned

around, and stared at his players. "That's how you guys look

at the plate!" he yelled. "Now get up there and HIT the ball!"

 

 

It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a

doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about

the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all,

you're paying for it.

 

On the Internet: It is an amazing communications tool that's

bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to

sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just

staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around

the world, in China, someone you've never met is sitting at

their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that

you're hearing.

 

 

He'd been playing golf for years, and he had the finest

equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his

friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly

drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he

drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a

new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.

"I've never had an old ball," he said.

 

The candidate called his wife and said, "Congratulate me,

I've just won the election."

"Honestly, dear?" she said.

"Now, why would you want to bring that up?" he grumbled.

 

 

A day in the life of a busy executive, as reflected in

responses to telephone calls:

      "He hasn't come in yet."

      "I expect him any minute."

      "He's in, but he's in conference."

      "He's out to lunch."

      "I expect him back any minute."

      "He's somewhere in the building. His coat is here."

      "He came back to the office, but now he's at a meeting."

      "He's gone for the day.

 

"William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?"

"Who cares? Just get out."

 

 

Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody

just sent a fax message to every member of our state

legislature. Each fax message was exactly the same: "The

press has found out everything." Both houses of the

legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.

 

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are

you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said, "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

 

 

Pushing a cart down a supermarket aisle, a man passed a woman

whose cart carried a four-year-old girl. As he walked by, he

heard the mother saying, "Take it easy, Natasha. It won't be

long. We have only three more items to buy."

      A few minutes later, he passed the same woman in

another aisle. As the little girl looked at the items on the

shelves, the woman crooned in a soothing voice, "It's okay,

Natasha. We're almost finished. Nothing to get upset about,

Tasha dear. We'll be outside in no time at all."

      When the man reached the checkout counter, the woman

was paying for her groceries. "Excuse me," he said. "I'd like

to compliment you on the way you kept your daughter calm

while you did your shopping. I overheard some of the soothing

things you were saying to Natasha here to keep her from

getting upset."

      The woman looked puzzled for a few seconds, then

laughed. "You've got it all wrong," she said. "My daughter's

name is Kate. I'm Natasha."

 

 

Weather Vane

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

To Tell the weather,

Go to your back door and look for the dog.

 

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.  But

if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably

raining really hard.

 

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's

probably windy.

 

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

 

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to

leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad

weather.

 

Sincerely, The CAT

 

Firestone Slogans

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Top Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires

 

"Safer than a Russian sub."

 

"The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."

 

"Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."

 

"Better than driving around on your axles, right?"

 

"Pop a set on your car today."

 

"C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"

 

"Reinforcing the importance of speed limits."

 

"Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."

 

"You can't recall a better tire."

 

Conversion Rates

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two Jewish men were strolling down the street one day when they

happened upon by a Catholic church. They saw a big sign posted that

said, "Convert to Catholicism and receive $10."

 

One of the Jewish men stopped walking and stared at the sign. His

friend turned to him and said, "Murray, what's going on here?"

 

"I'm thinking of doing it, Abe," replied Murray.

 

Abe said, "What, are you crazy?"

 

Murray thinks for a moment and replied, "Abe, I'm going to do it!"

 

With that, Murray strode purposefully into the church and came out

twenty minutes later with his head bowed humbly.

 

"So," asked Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

 

Murray looked up at him and said indignantly, "Is that all you people

think of?!"

 

 

Ground Rules

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father

sat him down for a little fireside chat.

 

Jack's father said, "Jack, let me tell you something. 

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took

off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said,

'Here - try these on.'"

 

Jacks fater continued, "So, she did and replied, 'These

are too big, I can't wear these pants.'  So I replied to

your mother, 'Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family

and I always will."' 

 

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems,"

concluded Jack's father.

 

"Hmmm," Jack said in reply.  He thought his father's

suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that

day of new beginnings.

 

So on, his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to

Jill, "Here, try these on."

 

So she did and said, "These are too large, Jack.  They

don't fit me..."

 

Jack replied, "Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family

and I always will.  I don't want you to ever forget that."

 

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as

she said, "Here, you try on mine!"

 

As she requested, he tried them.  "I can't get into your

pants," Jack said with a question in his tone.

 

Jill replied, "Exactly. And if you don't change your

attitude, you never will."

 

 

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed

of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a

drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress

on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.

      "Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past

a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill

Lynch. That one over there is owned by the head of

Goldman,Sachs. And look at that huge yacht out there. That's

the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."

      His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him

and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?"

Goodman asked.

      "I was just wondering," his friend said. "Are there any

customers' yachts?"

 

 

A Washington reporter was awakened by her husband in the

middle of the night. "I think there's a thief in the house,"

he said.

"No doubt," she said sleepily. "And there are a handful

in the Senate, too."

 

 

During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice

president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem

accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were

staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in

the middle of the night.

Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded

into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false

alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.

"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief.

"Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."

"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.

"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."

Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security

chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of

what?"

"Of the United States," Nixon answered.

"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."

 

 

Winston Churchill was once asked to name the chief

qualification a politician should have. His reply: "It's the

ability to foretell what will happen tomorrow, next month,

and next year-and to explain afterward why it didn't happen."

 

 

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street

interviews about the upcoming mayoral election. "I'm not

voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I

don't know any of them."

"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them all."

 

 

After an astounding college career in the early 1950's,

Rodney "Hot Rod" Hundley signed with the Minneapolis Lakers

of the National Basketball Association. He and teammate Bob

Leonard once missed a team flight because they were out too

late the night before. Lakers owner Bob Short had them report

to his office the next morning.

Hundley went into Short's office, where he was told he

would be fined a thousand dollars for missing the flight. At

10 percent of Hundley's yearly salary, this was the largest

fine ever imposed on a professional basketball player.

Hundley came out of Short's office and was accosted by

Leonard, who asked "How much?"

"A big one, baby," Hundley said. "A big bill."

"A hundred dollars?" Leonard asked worriedly.

Leonard gasped. His face fell. He was on the verge of

tears. Hundley put his hand on Leonard's shoulder and said,

"It's a record."

Leonard's face lit up. "Let's go out and celebrate!"

 

 

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when

he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The

date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years

old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them

might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade

ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man

behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man

said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He

disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who

would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

 

 

"What are you watching, Dad?"

"Basketball game."

"What's the score?"

"117 to 114."

"Who's winning?"

"The team with 117."

 

During his rein, Hitler used any means possible to improve his odds

at keeping power, including astrology.  The finest astrologer he

could find was Jewish, so he put aside his prejudice for self-gain

and consulted the Jewish astrologer at every turn.  Battle plans,

strategy, etc. 

 

One day, Hitler was curious about the day his rein may come to an

end - more specifically, he wanted to know about his death, so he

again consulted his trusted astrologer. 

 

"Can you tell when I'm going to die?" he asked.

 

"Why yes, I certainly can," replied the astrologer.  "In fact, your

death will come occur on a Jewish holiday."

 

"Really?" Hitler asked with fascination.  "Which one?"

 

His astrologer replied with even tone, "I don't know exactly what

day, but any day you die will be a Jewish Holiday."

 

 

In The Beginning

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He

created man:

 

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

 

Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"

 

God said, "Go down into that valley."

 

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

 

And God explained it to him.  Then God said, "Cross the river."

 

And Adam said, "What's a river?"

 

And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."

 

And Adam said, "What is a hill?"

 

And God explained that to him.  Then He told Adam, "On the

other side of the hill you will find a cave."

 

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

 

And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will

find a Woman."

 

And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

 

So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to

reproduce."

 

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

 

So God explained to him.

 

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and

over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in

about fifteen minutes, Adam was back.

 

God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I

help you?"

 

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

 

Dear Tech Support (Classic)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.  I soon

noticed that the new program began unexpected  child processing

that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention

of this was included with the product information.

 

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs

and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors

all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night

10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing

7.5 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever

selected.

 

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting

to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back

to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help! Thanks,

 

Signed,

A Troubled User

 

REPLY:

 

Dear Troubled User,

 

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is

due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade

from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an

Utilities and Entertainment program.

 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its

creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife

1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files

cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

 

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program

files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to

Girlfriend  7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up

with more problems than in the original system. Look in your

Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support".

 

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the

situation. I suggest installing the background application

program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having

installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the

entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)".

 

You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems

that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that

GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28

days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command

C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES_DEAR because

ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before

the system will return to normal anyway.

 

Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the

blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to

require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several

support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which

replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very

careful how you use these programs.

 

Improper use will cause the system to launch the program

Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the

performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I

recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!! *DO NOT*  under any circumstances, install

Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported

by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating

system.

 

Best of luck.

Tech Support

 

 

Better Barter

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a

bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn

mower.  "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the

preacher.

 

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike," said the

little boy. 

 

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you

take my bike in trade for it?" 

 

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after

riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got

yourself a deal."

 

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it.

Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the

mower, the preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get

this mower to start."

 

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to

get it started."

 

The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has

been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember

how to cuss."

 

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep

pullin' on that string.  It'll come back to ya'!"

 

 

Native Campaign Trail

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Campaigning on the Reservation:

 

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the

local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They

were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The

politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was

getting more and more excited. "I promise better educational

opportunities for Native Americans!"

 

The crowd went wild, shouting, "Hoya! Hoya!"

 

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was

encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to

allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

 

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

 

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native

Americans!"

 

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

 

After the speech, the Politician was touring the reservation,

and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a

ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he

could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

 

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the

hoya."

 

 

Political Speak

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

VICE PRESIDENT GORE

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens

right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the

road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint

them.

 

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road.

I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The

government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they

can get across the road.

 

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or

her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a

spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right

to cross the road in his or her own way.

 

SECRETARY CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly

if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road.

They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not

interested in crossing the road myself.

 

RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the

evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society

pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then

lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to

crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

 

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

 

 

Childlike

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day while a small boy was at school, his cat died.

 

His mother, being very concerned about how he would take the

news of the cat's death, decided to explain the tragedy in a

comforting way.

 

"Son," she said to him when he came home from school, "Fluffy

died today while you were at school. But don't worry, dear,

Fluffy's in heaven with God now."

 

To which the boy responded, "But Mom, what's God going to do

with a dead cat??"

 

 

In the Genes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very

impressed by how much his parents loved each other.  "They're so

thoughtful," Barb said.  "Why, your dad even brings your mom a

cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

 

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married.  On

the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked

on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.  "Tell

me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

 

"It sure does," replied David.  "And I take after my mom."

 

Welcome to America

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards

away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the

subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada

for years. The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her son

and three grandchildren.

 

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just

got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an

agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that

our land is really part of the United States. We have the right

to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

 

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right

now and tell them we accept. I don't think I could stand

another one of those Canadian winters!"

 

 

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers,

decides to learn how to play some "real" musical

instruments.

 

He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store

clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there

and that accordion."

 

The store clerk looks at him for a moment, then replies

"OK, you can have the fire extinguisher, but the

radiator's got to stay".

 

 

Jill and Todd got married. Todd thought this would be a

"marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners.

So the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought

Jill breakfast in bed.

 

Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted,

"Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

 

Undaunted, the next morning, Todd brought his true love a

scrambled egg.

 

Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like

variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

 

Determined to please Jill, the *next* morning he thought,

"third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one

scrambled and one poached.

 

"Here, my love, enjoy!"

 

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the

wrong egg."

 

 

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence

one night.

 

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and

purred, "I'll die for you!"

 

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and

replied, "How many times?"

 

 

There was a frog on a lily pad, in the middle of a pond,

surrounded by alligators. He didn't want to be eaten, but

he couldn't think of a way to get to edge of the pond

without being gobbled up. Then, as he was about to give

up, he looked up. Above him in a tree was an owl.

 

He called to the owl and asked, "Mr. Owl, I am stuck on

a lily pad in the middle of this pond, surrounded by

alligators. How can I get to the edge of the pond without

being eaten?"

 

The owl looked down at the frog and said, "Well Mr. Frog,

it is obvious. You should fly off your lily pad to the

edge of the pond."

 

Hearing this, the frog began to flap his arms frantically.

He then leaped into the air so as to fly to the edge of

the pond. However, he instead fell right into the open

mouth of a nearby alligator.

 

Just before the alligator closed his mouth, the frog

shouted up to the owl in the tree, "Mr. Owl, didn't you

know that frogs can't fly?"

 

The owl responded, "Sorry, I do concepts, not

implementation."

 

 

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me,

I hurt all over."

 

"What do you mean?" asked the doctor.

 

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger

and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left

cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then

she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

 

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

 

"Why yes," she said. "Why do you ask?"

 

"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a broken

finger."

 

 

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The

doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's

nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You

have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was

your father when he died?"

 

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

 

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and

is he very active?"

 

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and

he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing

three times a week during the summer."

 

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your

grandfather when he died?"

 

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

 

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me

you are 60 years old and both your father and your

grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

 

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a

season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not

only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106

years old, and next week he is getting married again."

 

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your

grandfather want to get married?"

 

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say

he wanted to?"

 

 

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used

to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were

quite upset when one day the little dog died.

 

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little

dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up

behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's

wagging tail.

 

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run

through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint

Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was

going.

 

The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am

going into heaven where I belong!"  Saint Peter replied,

"Heaven is a place of perfection; you can not come into

heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"

 

The little dog explained the what had happened back on

earth.  St. Peter told the little dog to go back down to

earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested

that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St.

Peter would not change his mind.

 

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched

on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived

upstairs came down and opened the door.

 

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What

can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog

explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his

tail, and he needed it back.

 

The bartender replied, "I would really like to help you,

but my liquor license doesn't allow me to re-tail

spirits after hours."

 

 

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a

terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He

became something of a local joke when a newspaper began

keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been

wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind

of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for

a similar job. One blank on the job application called for

the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

 

The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills.

"Don't take these pills," she said. "Spill them on the floor

three times a day and pick them up one by one."

 

 

A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several

night time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a

Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

 

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so the sergeant struck

up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", he asked.

 

"No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied.

 

The sergeant asked, "What's the difference?"

 

The lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared, and have

a university education."

 

--

 

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than

men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about

15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

 

She thought about this, then told her husband that women

use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat

everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

 

--

 

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass

off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, hick

Texas town. So, he packed his bags and off he went.

 

When he arrived in a small, hick Texas town, the

counterfeiter entered a store and handed one of the bogus

bills to the man behind the counter.

 

"Can you change this for me, please?" he asked.

 

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill for a short time,

then smiled and replied, "I reckon so, mister... do ya

want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

 

 

John: "Why are you so upset?"

 

Ted: "My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this

morning."

 

John: "So what?"

 

Ted: "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband.

You know, one of the men I've been telling you about.'"

 

 

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding

horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of

Whiskey, takes a long draught then another and suddenly

throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the

bottle in midair.

 

The Californian looks at him and says "What are you

doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

 

The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey

and the bottles are cheap."

 

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian

pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws

the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots

it in midair.

 

The Oregonian can't believe his eyes, "What the heck did

you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of

champagne!"

 

The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of

champagne and bottles are cheap."

 

So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of

Widmer Hefeweizen.  He opens it, takes a sip, then

another, then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the

bottle in his saddle bag, pulls out his gun, turns

around and shoots the Californian.

 

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?!"

 

The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of

Californians, and the bottles are worth a nickel."

 

 

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist

if there is anybody in room number 27. She goes and

checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him, "No,

sir, the room is empty."

 

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really

escaped."

 

 

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each

other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the

other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was

too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be

turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal

optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

 

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday

their father loaded the pessimist's room with every

imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded

with horse manure.

 

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room

and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

 

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

 

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read

all these instructions before I can do anything with

this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys

will eventually get broken," whined the pessimist twin.

 

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him

dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so

happy about?" he asked.

 

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be

a pony in here somewhere!"

 

 

"Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her

friend at work. "That good-looking Alan in accounting

asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"

 

"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you,

dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his

apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll

have fantastic sex!"

 

"What should I do?"

 

"Wear an old dress."

 

 

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an

old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy

the local female population, and young George was

pretty excited.

 

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?"

asked George.

 

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until

they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our

way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

 

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

 

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined

up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go

down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

 

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start

at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet

in the middle" said Sam.

 

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

 

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember.

These gals will let us have our way but you have to

show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

 

"Sure" says George.

 

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up.

George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George

is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions

about being polite, so as he is going along he makes

sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank

you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am,

thank you ma'am."

 

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down

to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy

walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

 

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,

"I do...Why?"

 

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just

thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead

outside!"

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough

Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

 

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was

starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned

to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver

and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him

start to feel better."

 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles

around Silver.

 

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger

returned to the bar to finish his drink.

 

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar

and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

 

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's

wrong with him this time?"

 

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but

you left your Injun runnin'."

 

 

Q: Whoever makes it, tells it not.

Whoever takes it, knows it not.

And whoever knows it wants it not.

 

What is it?

 

A: Counterfeit Money

 

 

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with

your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing

wrong?

 

Tech sup: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive,

right?

 

Customer: Yeah....

 

Tech sup: And what sort of computer are you using?

 

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.

It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises.

Listen.....

 

Tech sup: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

 

 

Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so

speaking. May I have your username please?

 

Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person

in charge immediately!

 

Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?

 

Female Customer: I want to complain about the

pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web

browser!

 

Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in

your web browser.

 

Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at

them right now!

 

(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins

to himself)

 

Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?

 

Female Customer: In Netscape!

 

Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?

 

Female: In that little list that comes down when you

click the little down arrow!

 

Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?

 

Female Customer: Yes that one!

 

Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape

keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The

only way to put an address in that box is for someone

to physically sit at your computer and type in a web

address.

 

Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those

X rated web addresses!

 

Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your

computer, and uses the Internet?

 

Female Customer: Just me and my husband!

 

(Several seconds of silence pass....Hey! I wasn't

going to say it!)

 

Female Customer:........oh............. OOOH! ...

Thank you.

 

<click>

 

 

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime

commitment for a pig.

 

 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is

walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a

bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks

him for his fishing license.

 

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch

these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down

to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out

and I take them for a walk only to return them at the

end of the day."

 

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is

illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns

to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then

watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

 

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and

show me that they will come out of the water."

 

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What

lobsters?"

 

 

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm

halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my

God... I could be eating a slow learner."

 

 

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure,

and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

 

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so

miserable."

 

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he

said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a

bathing suit on and run around the block three or four

times."

 

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

 

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

 

--

 

Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no

fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil

witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only

one word each year. However, he could save up the words

so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the

following year he was allowed to speak two words. Letter

writing and sign language were not allowed.

 

One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden

hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her.

With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking

for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say,

"My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished

to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years

without speaking, bringing the total number of silent

years to 5.

 

At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to

ask her to marry him.  So he waited another 4 years

without speaking.

 

Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew

no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most

secluded and romantic lace in that beautiful royal

garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her

lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said,

"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

 

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind

her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and

parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

 

 

A man is driving from Madrid to Paris. Then there is a

fork in the road without a sign saying which way to go.

There is a house, so he decides to ask for directions.

 

On the door there is a sign: "Note: two identical twins

are living here; one always tells the truth, and one

always lies. You pay 50 francs for each answer to a

question."

 

The man has only 50 francs with him, so he knows he can

ask only one question.  What question will he ask and

get an answer that will help him?

 

 

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation

turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for

an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in

dire need of a new computer.

 

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of

their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings

to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly

reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

 

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she

looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something

to ask me?"

 

Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said,

"will you buy me a new computer?"

 

--

 

Didja hear...?

 

China sent the United States 50,000,000 cases of Viagra.

They heard that the entire country can't hold an election...

 

--

 

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a

diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and

a gold Rolex."

 

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied

the artist.

 

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my

husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want

his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

 

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do

things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He

had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general

go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out

for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.

The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

 

 

The first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they

experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring

at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The

teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.

In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is." Then she walked over to the next child.

The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

 

 

"Are you a lawyer?"

"Yes, I am."

"How much do you charge?"

"A thousand dollars for four questions."

"Isn't that pretty steep?"

"Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?"

 

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."

 

 

Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.

 

 

A man's car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and the woman behind him honked continuously as he tried to restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked to the woman's car.

"I can't seem to get my car started," the man said, smiling. "If you'll go and start it for me, I'll stay here and lean on your horn."

 

 

Do the people that work in these little shops in the airport

have any idea what the prices are anywhere else in the world?

What do they think, that they've got their own little country

out there? "Tuna sandwich, thirteen dollars. Tuna's very rare

here."

 

 

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

 

I think the cliché is true that money doesn't buy happiness--It can actually let you focus more time on your misery.

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.

"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

 

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "daylight saving time."

 

 

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

 

Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

 

 

Ed arrived home some six hours late from his usual Saturday

golf foursome. Edna, his wife, immediately lit into him: "You

have some nerve leaving me home alone all day. I had to

cancel dinner with our friends and send the baby sitter home.

You better have a good explanation, mister!"

 

Flustered, Ed told Edna that their game was interrupted by

the untimely sudden death of Stan, one of their playing

partners. "Edna, honey, Stan died of a massive heart attack

just as we were about to tee off on two. If there's a silver

lining, it's that he went suddenly doing what he loved best."

 

Saddened, Edna comforted her husband, "I'm so sorry. But tell

me something," Edna asked, with a note of anger returning to

her voice, "If he died on the first tee, what took you so

long?"

 

"Well," said Ed, "for the next seventeen holes it was the

same thing: Hit the ball and drag Stan, Hit the ball and drag

Stan."

 

On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy

intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all directions,

a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first aid."

She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."

 

 

I harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England," he said.

"What on earth for?" his wife asked.

"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side of the road-legally."

 

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."

 

The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and proper Washington hostess. "In my country," he said, "the most popular of all activities is making love."

Shocked, the wide-eyed hostess said, "Oh! Isn't that revolting!"

"No," the diplomat said. "That's our second-favorite activity."

 

 

A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of  a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. 

The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out 

to the farmer.

"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver  asked.

The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said,  "Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" 

the driver asked.

"Nope."

"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which  direction it is from here?"

"Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't  know very much, do you?" he said.

"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

 

The reception area of the doctor's office was filled to 

capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual snail's 

pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and 

headed for the door. When everyone stopped talking to look at 

him, he announced, "I guess I'll just go home and die a 

natural death." 

 

 

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you

have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that

I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a

Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo.

Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this

mean?"

 

"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body

experience.

 

--

 

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant,

a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea

transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ."

 

"What makes you think you need all these?"

 

"Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to

keep my job, I needed to get reorganised."

 

--

 

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was

so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In

fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near

her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

 

"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get

the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

 

 

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor

for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out

with the results.

 

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I

got?"

 

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

 

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

 

"Nine..."

 

 

She thought a quarterback was a refund. She tripped over

the cordless phone. She put lipstick on her forehead

because she wanted to makeup her mind. She told someone

to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK. She

took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. At the

bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she

put "Sagittarius."  If she spoke her mind, she'd be

speechless. When she heard that 90% of all accidents

were around the home, she moved.

 

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?  It

took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

 

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard

to retrain.

 

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope

ring.

 

Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't

fit the bottle in the typewriter.

 

What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way

stop.

 

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?

An air pocket.

 

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of

Cheerios? "OH, LOOK! Donut seeds!"

 

 

~~

 

Revenge of the Blondes!

 

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?

The invitation.

 

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?

A hostage.

 

Who makes bras for brunettes?

Fisher-Price.

 

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?

No one else wants it.

 

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?

So brunettes can remember them.

 

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?

Invisible.

 

What's a brunette's mating call?

"Has the blonde left yet?"

 

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?

The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

 

Why is the brunette considered an evil color?

When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

 

 

Incentives Matter

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The owner of a business was confused about paying a bill,

so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help...

 

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would

you take off?" he asked her.

 

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

 

 

Obscene Phone Call

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Hello?" the blonde responded, answering the phone.

 

"I bet you want me to come over to your house, take

you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe,

and then make mad passionate love to you all night long,"

the male voice whispered sensuously.

 

"Scheesch," she replied. "You could tell all that just from

me saying 'hello?'"

 

 

Women's Stickers

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Here are some of the latest in bumper stickers for women!

 

- So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

 

- God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.

 

- If They Don't Have  Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.

 

- My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.

 

- Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.

 

- Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.

 

- Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen

 

- If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

 

- Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

 

- I'm Out Of Estrogen - And I Have A Gun.

 

- Warning: 6 Mintues Til Next Mood Swing.

 

- And Your Point Is?

 

- I resemble that comment!

 

- Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.

 

- Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.

 

- Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.

 

- You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.

 

- All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.

 

- I'm One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People

 

- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

 

- Sorry If I Looked Interested.  I'm Not.

 

- If We Are What We Eat, I'm Fast, Cheap And Easy.

 

- Don't Upset Me! I'm Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.

 

[Now ladies, those bumper stickers would keep him from

taking your car!]

 

 

You Would Know...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and

the members thought they would have some fun with him. 

 

Beneath his name on his tag, they carefully printed, 

"Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big

fanfare as he was presented his badge.

 

The Pastor responded quietly, saying, "I usually am

called 'The Shepherd of the Sheep,'

but you know your people better than I..."

 

Feminine Sacrifice

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope dangling beneath

a helicopter:  Ten men and one woman.  They all decided

that one person should let go of the rope because otherwise

the rope would break and they would all die.

 

No one volunteered to let go of the rope until, finally, the

woman spoke and gave a very heart-stirring speech saying how

she would sacrifice her life to save the lives of the others.

 

She concluded her touching speech by saying that women are

used to giving up things for their husbands and children, and

giving in to men, and not receiving or expecting anything in

return. 

 

When she finished speaking, touched with her self-sacrifice,

all the men broke into a great round of applause!

 

HMO World

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test

results.

 

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a

mix-up and we  have a problem. When we sent your wife's

samples to the lab, some samples from another Mrs. Smith were

sent as well. One Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer

disease and the other for AIDS.  We can't tell which is your

wife's."

 

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over to see the

right answer?"

 

Receptionist: Normally, yes. But you have an HMO insurance

program, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than

once.

 

Mr. Smith:  "What can we do?"

 

Receptionist:  "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife

off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't

sleep with her.

 

 

Pet Seminary

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with an Irish setter

he doted on. The dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish

priest.

 

"Father, me dog is dead," he said. "Could you be saying a

Mass for the creature?"

 

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for

an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination

down the road. No telling what they believe. Maybe they

can be doin' something for ya."

 

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do ya think a couple

o'thousand is enough to donate for the service?"

 

Father Patrick placed a hand on Muldoon's forearm. "For

God's sake, man, why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

 

Women's One Liners

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Ladies, if ever you need to be bitchy on short notice,

you can rely on these to help.  After all, I know all the

ladies here all sweet to the core, but sometimes nice just

won't do!  LOL

 

- This isn't an office. Its hell with fluorescent lighting.

 

- Do I look like a fucking people person?

 

- I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

 

- If I throw a stick, will you leave?

 

- Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

 

- See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

 

- What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

 

- I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.

 

- Okay, okay I take it back. UNfuck you!

 

- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

 

- How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

- It's not the size that counts, it's the ....... no, it is the size.

 

- Well, today was a waste of makeup!

 

 

Automated Errors

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Ah, computers are so great, and they work even if we don't

proof our work... Here is the real e-mail signature line

added to every message going out, from the boss' computer!

 

    (Company name)... Shitting ideas into solutions.

 

I think he meant shifting....  LOL

 

 

Devil in the Details

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that

Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular

entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

 

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is

too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

 

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated

meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex

and frontal nudity.

 

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says

there is too much bush.

 

 

A Little Pregnant

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman had just left her doctor, where she'd just learned

she was pregnant. 

 

On the way home she was holding onto the strap in the

subway and was growing more weary by the moment.  She

asked the man seated before her, "Sir, I wonder if you

would let me have your seat.  I'm pregnant."

 

The gentleman did just that, and then observing her for a

moment, he said, "You seem very glowing and not all

removed from a perfect shape. May I ask how long you've

been pregnant?  

 

"Oh, about thirty minutes," she replied, "am I sure am

tired!"

 

 

Limo Express

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Pope was being driven around New York City in a

limo on one of his papal visits.  He was fascinated by the

amount of hustle and bustle in the city. He got it in his

mind that he wanted to try his hand at driving the limo.

 

"Driver, could you please pull over?" said the Pope,

"I would like to drive."

 

"O.K. your holiness," the driver replied, "whatever you

say."

 

So the driver pulled over and the Pope starts to drive. He

gets the hang of it before long, and decides to put the

pedal to the metal. The Pope is flying around Manhattan

enjoying his sense of power!

 

A few minutes later, a police officer sees the reckless

driving, and signals the limo to pull over.

 

"All right let me see your license and regis...." The cop's

voice cuts out when he saw that he was addressing the

Pope.

 

"Oh, well... um... um... I'll be right back." The officer

returned to his car and radioed headquarters and talked to

the chief.

 

"Chief, I just pulled over a very important man.  What

should I do?"

 

"Well, how important is he?  Is he the Governor?" he asked.

 

"No, he's way more important than that."

 

"Is he a Congressman?"

 

"Nope... He's way, waaaay more important than a

Congressman."

 

"Surely he can't be more important than the president!"

 

"Well...  Who did you pull over?" the chief asked.

 

"Well, chief, let me put it to you this way... His chauffeur

is the POPE!"

 

 

In the Dark

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9

unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.

 

Returning home from work, Brittany, a very blonde homeowner,

was shocked to find her house had been ransacked and

burglarized.

 

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

 

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,

and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a

leash, Brittany ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her

head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my

possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do

they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

 

 

Holy Tradition

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Jimmy came home the other day and found his little brother

sitting on the steps crying.  He asked what was wrong and

his little brother replied, "My cat died and I don't know

what to do..."

 

Jimmy thought for a moment and then told him, "When

someone dies you have to have funeral and bury him."

 

His little brother replied, "But I don't know how to have a

funeral."

 

"Well," said Jimmy, "you dig a hole to bury your cat, invite

a group of your friends over and say a few holy words over

the grave.  That's it."

 

His little brother thought that was a great idea.  Later

that afternoon, Jimmy came home and there was a group of

his brother's friends gathered in the back yard, the dead cat

was laying on top of the mound from the grave and his little

brother was asking everyone to have a seat.

 

Jimmy stood back and watched as his little brother lifted

the dead cat by the tail and held it over the grave.  Then he

uttered the only holy words he found fitting: 

 

"In the name of the Father...  the Son...  and 'in the hole

he goes'!"

 

 

Grumpy's Return

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund

raising activity. One ambitious young man knocked on

a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked:

"What do you want, Sonny?"

 

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts,

M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked.

 

"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady

who would drink beer?" replied the lady.

 

"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply.  "W-w-what about

vinegar bottles?"

 

 

Confidential Retribution

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a

second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The

first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the

second guy join him.  Both are even after the first couple of

holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched,

What do you think about we play for a $5.00 a hole?"

 

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't

like to bet but agrees to the terms.  Well, the second guy

wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the

eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses

that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick

on suckers.

 

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the

local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all

flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back

his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square

and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

 

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it

up to you?" 

 

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday

and make a donation.  Then, if you bring your mother and

father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

 

 

Opportunity Cost

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man had a terrible accident and his private parts were

injured. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made

it possible for his privates to be rebuilt but insurance

didn't cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic.

 

He had three choices:  small for $3,500, medium for $6,500,

and large for $14,000.

 

The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor

suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a

final decision was made.  The doctor left the room and while

he was gone the man called his wife and told her their

options.

 

The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad.

"Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked.

 

"Yes," said the man. "My wife would like to remodel the

kitchen."

 

 

Maternal Pride

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The first Jewish President of the United States calls

his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for

Thanksgiving.  She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much

trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I

hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."

 

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab -

I'll send a limousine for you!"

 

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my

ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane,

and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much

trouble."

 

He replies, "Mom!  I'm the President of the United States!

I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

 

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll

have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get

a cab...it's really too much trouble."

 

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter

for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

 

She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need

a  hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really

don't like the rooms..."

 

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay

at the White House!"

 

She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

 

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:

 

Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

 

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

 

Betty: "The doctor?"

 

Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

 

Holiday Cancellation

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Office of Personnel Management for the federal

government today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for

federal employees. There will be two fewer government

holidays this year. Thanksgiving and Christmas have been

canceled.

 

The witch is moving to New York.

She's taking the turkey with her.

 

Things that Sound Dirty

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Phrases you may hear on Thanksgiving that sound dirty, but aren't.

Just thought we'd help you prepare...  LOL

 

"Talk about a huge breast!"

 

"It's a little dry.  Do you still want to eat it?"

 

"It's Cool Whip time!"

 

"Don't play with your meat."

 

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

 

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

 

"I didn't expect everyone to come all at once!"

 

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

 

"Are you going to come next time too?"

 

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

 

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

 

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

 

"Just wait your turn. You'll get some!"

 

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

 

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

 

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

 

"Just lay back, take it easy, and I'll do the rest."

 

"Let's do it in the Dining room"

 

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

 

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

 

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

 

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

 

Confession in the Moment

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnnie went into the confession booth with a turkey

in his arms.  Johnnie said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have

sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family.  Would you

take it and assuage my guilt?"

 

"Certainly not," said the priest.

 

"As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you

stole it."

 

"I tried," Little Johnnie sobbed, "but he refused. Oh,

Father, what should I do?"

 

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to

keep it for your family."

 

Little Johnnie's tears stopped, a smile returned to his face,

and he rushed home to his family.

 

When confession was over, the priest returned to his home to

baste his turkey.  He walked into the kitchen, only to

discover who's turkey Johnnie had stolen!

 

 

Mind Your Manners

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Marshall Dillon and Festus are in the buckboard headed to

Miss Kitty's for Thanksgiving dinner.

 

"Clip-clop, clip-clop," came the sound of the horses hooves.

 

Festus:  "Matthew, look at that bull a-screwin' that cow!"

 

Marshall Dillon:  "Festus, since we are going to Miss Kitty's

you should clean up your language.  That bull is 'servicing'

that cow."

 

Clip-clop, clip-clop.

 

Festus:  "Matthew, look at that stallion a-screwing that

mare!"

 

Marshall Dillon:  "Festus, I don't want to have to tell you

again.  Clean up your language.  That stallion is 'servicing'

that mare."

 

"Clip-clop, clip-clop," the sound thundered out as they rode

along on their horses.

 

Marshall Dillon and Festus arrived at Miss Kitty's.  They were

seated around a beautiful Thanksgiving table with turkey and

all the trimmings.

 

Miss Kitty:  "Matt, would you be so kind as to service the

turkey?"

 

{pause}

 

Festus:  Matthew, if you do, I'm a-fixin' to piss in the

gravy!

 

Dear Maid,

 

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in

my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf

under the medicine chest and another three in the shower

soap dish.  They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Room 635,

 

I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow,

Thursday, from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of

the shower soap dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your

shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex

dispenser in case you should change your mind.  This leaves

only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the

management is to leave 3 soaps daily.  I hope this is

satisfactory.  Kathy, Relief Maid

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently

Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the

little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this

evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf

under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the

hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial

so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the

shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth,

etc. Please remove them. S. Berman

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

My day off was last Wed.  so the relief maid left 3 hotel

soaps which we are instructed by the management.  I took the

6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in

the soap dish where your Dial was.  I put the Dial in the

medicine cabinet for your convenience.  I didn't remove the

3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the

medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not

object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me

know if I can of further assistance.

 

Your regular maid, Dotty

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M.

that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy

with your maid service.  I have assigned a new girl to your

room.  I hope you will accept my apologies for any past

inconvenience.  If you have any future complaints please

contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call

extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.

 

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Miss Carmen,

 

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the

hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530

or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.

 You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he

could do anything about those little bars of soap.  The new

maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in

today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my

medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars

on the bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have

accumulated 24 little bars of soap.  Why are you doing this

to me?

 

S. Berman

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering

soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be

of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between

8AM and 5PM.

 

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

 

My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken

from my room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in

late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4

little Cashmere Bouquets.

 

S. Berman

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap

problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your

room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap

each time they service a room.  The situation will be

rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the

inconvenience.

 

Martin L.  Kensedder Assistant Manager

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

 

Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?!  I came in

last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want

54 little bars of Camay.  I want my one bar of bath-size

Dial!  Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I

want is my bath size Dial.  Please give me back my bath-size

Dial.

 

S.  Berman

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them

removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your

soap was missing so I personally returned them.  The 24

Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are

supposed to receive daily (sic).  I don't know anything

about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,

did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought

24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you

got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able

to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

 

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

 

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap

inventory.  As of today I possess:

 

-- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of

4 and 1 stack of 2.

 

-- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1

stack of 3.

 

-- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1

stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

 

-- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1

stack of 2.

 

-- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

 

-- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly

used.

 

-- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

 

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the

stacks are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her

that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I

suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will

make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.  One more

item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which

I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further

misunderstandings.

 

S.  Berman

 

Universal Laws

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"The Law of Volunteering"

If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

 

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the

mouse.

 

"The Law of Common Sense"

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

 

"The Law of Reality"

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

 

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

 

"Weiler's Law"

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

 

"Law of Probable Dispersal"

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

 

"Law of Volunteer Labor"

People are always available for work in the past tense.

 

"Conway's Law"

In any organization there is one person who knows what is

going on. That person must be fired.

 

"Iron Law of Distribution"

Them that has, gets.

 

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"

There is always one more bug.

 

"Law of Drunkeness"

You can't fall off the floor.

 

"Heller's Law"

The first myth of management is that it exists.

 

"Osborne's Law"

Variables won't; constants aren't.

 

"Main's Law"

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

 

"Weinberg's Second Law"

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then

the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed

civilization.

 

Nature's Rules for Golf

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up

at a much earlier age.

 

2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

 

3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is

actually the beginning of the next group of three.

 

4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look

down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching

the ball if you ever want to see it again.

 

5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not

at all.

 

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play

worse.

 

7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind

during your swing.

 

8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either

hit one more club or two more balls.

 

9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the

foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you

can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is

clear and top a ball halfway there.

 

10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his

ideas about the golf swing.

 

 

A vacation is a period of travel during which you find that

you took twice as many clothes and half as much money as you

needed.

 

 

Survivor

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A new game has taken life in Texas, to find out who's really

capable of survival!

 

Contestants have to drive from Amarillo, Texas to

Brownsville, Texas with a bumper sticker on the back of

their cars that say, "I'm a gay, atheist, Communist,

vegetarian and I'm here to take away your guns!"

 

If anyone gets arrives, they win!

 

 

MYTH: If it is not raining, then there is no danger from

lightning!

 

FACT:  The truth is Lightning often strikes outside of heavy

rain and may occur as far away as 16 kilometers away from

rainfall.

 

More Good, Bad, and Ugly

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.

 

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.   

Ugly: With corrections.

 

Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

 

Good: Your wife is pregnant.       

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

 

The Last Straw

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

For more than an hour the scrawny, geek of a guy had sat at

the bar staring down into his glass

 

Suddenly a burly truck driver loped across the room, sat

down next to him and drank the guy's drink.  The poor fellow

burst out crying. 

 

"Oh, come on, pal," the trucker said, "I was just joking.

Here, I'll buy you another drink." 

 

"No, that's not it..." the man replied.

 

"This has been the worst day of my life.  I overslept, was

late for work and got fired.  When I left the office, I

found that my car had been stolen.  I hailed a cab to go home

but realized I had left my wallet at the house, so I walked

the six miles home.  Then I found my wife in bed with our

neighbor, so I grabbed my wallet and came here.  

 

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my

life," the guy sighed, "you show up and drink my poison."  

 

(That will make those tough guys think twice...  LOL)

 

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly

into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining

table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I

shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.

Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."

 

The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"

 

The hillbilly said, "He wasn't my son-in-law when I shot

him!"

 

--

 

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between

them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young

lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

 

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called

for silence.

 

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall

chop the young attorney in half. Each of you shall

receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first

lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill

innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry

him."

 

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney

must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to chop him in two!" exclaimed the

king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That

shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

 

 

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided

what he wants to be when he grows up?"

 

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.

 

His friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a

career."

 

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on

Tuesdays..."

 

 

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of

'Our Lady of Perpetual Motion' parochial school in a

VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried,

"just WAIT until you hear this!"

 

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now

just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

 

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down

the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older

boys wagering money!"

 

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

 

"But that's not what has me so excited, Father," replied

the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had

wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the

highest on the wall!!"

 

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What

did you do?"

 

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

 

The priest replied, "Wow, how much did you win?"

 

 

More of Nature's Golf Tips

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant

elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that

allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

 

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

 

Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

 

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach

shot.

 

A golf match is a test of your skill against your

opponent's luck.

 

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you

lie 10.

 

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a

rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

 

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

 

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

 

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf

course is a straight line that passes directly through the

center of a very large tree.

 

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and

bounces just the way you meant to play it.

 

Last Request

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same

day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their

maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal

speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had

been said among the participants.

 

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son,

do you have a last request?"

 

The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could

you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

 

"Certainly," replied the warden.

 

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you,

son? What is your final request?"

 

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

 

 

Heing and Sheing

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of

infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and

sheing to stand up!" Half of his congregation stood up.

 

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing

to stand up!" A couple of men stood up.

 

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and

sheing to stand up!" Several women stood up.

 

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that

everyone was standing except Little Johnnie.

 

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little

Johnnie, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnnie, stand

up.....I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with

sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"

 

Little Johnnie replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about

meing and meing!"

 

 

Bull's Eye

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and

servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets

were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

 

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must

find him!"

 

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came

across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the

boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the

center of all the targets.

 

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows

into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

 

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by

all that I hold holy."

 

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit

you into my service."

 

The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in

return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came

to be such an outstanding shot."

 

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree,

and then I paint the target around it."

 

Penny Wise, Pound Foolish?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy walks into a bar with a dog.    As they sit down at the

counter, the bartender tells them, that no dogs are allowed.

 

The dog looks up and says, "I don't see any sign posted

about dogs." To which the bartender looks at them both and

exclaims "Hey! You can talk! This is wild!  I'm buying you

both a  beer!"

 

They both thank him and proceed to enjoy their libation. After

a while, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the

bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog, "Will you go over to

the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from a $20 to buy a

newspaper?" 

 

He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick

out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them the rest

of the day, and the dog can keep the $20 for his trouble.

 

The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar.

 

When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has

gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him.

He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound

in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into the alley, he

discovers his dog humping a French Poodle.  Shocked, the man looks to

his dog and says "Rex, how could you?  You've NEVER done anything

like this before!"

 

The dog looks up at him and says "Frankly, I've never had $20.00 all

at one time before either!"

 

 

Go Sixth & Multiply

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to

the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition

to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair,

and approved it.  When the next child arrived, the minister

appealed again and the congregation approved again.

 

Several years and five children later, the congregation was a

bit upset over the increasing expense.  This turned into a

rather loud meeting one night with the minister.

 

Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,  "Having

children is an Act of God!!"  An older man in the back stood

and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we

wear rubbers for them!"

 

 

Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been

Doing Since 15

 

 

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a

young man with spiked hair came over and sat down

beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and

orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes

and was wearing bright, neon colored clothes.

 

The old man just stared at him. The boy looked at the

older man and said in a smart tone, "What's the matter,

old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your

life?"

 

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have.  I

once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just

wondering if you were my son."

 

--

 

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious

problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who

has been heing and sheing to stand up!"  Half of his

congregation stood up.

 

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing

and heing to stand up!" A couple of men stood up.

 

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing

and sheing to stand up!" Several women stood up.

 

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that

everyone was standing except Little Johnny.

 

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at

Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little

Johnny, stand up.....I guess you are the only one here who

isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you

have to say?"

 

Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing

about meing and meing!"

 

 

Q: Only one segment of society in the United States is

constitutionally guaranteed health care. Which segment?

 

A: Convicted criminals.

 

 

 

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning.  We're out of chocolate,"

"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"

The man says, "V-A-N."

"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."

"OK.  S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."

The man hesitates.  Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

 

 

Why is Christmas like a day at the office?  You do all the

work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

 

I was driving to work this morning when my Pontiac quit

in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side

of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon

flew down and landed right in themiddle of the hood of

the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became

fascinated watching it up close as it strutted around

and made cooing noises.

 

A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and

joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by

crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood

full of pigeons, all cooing loudlyand beginning to change

the color of my hood.

 

Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying

to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had

always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure

enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope

around on the hood, and several others were flying out

in front of the car and returning to the hood.

 

All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I

yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.

 

No darn way was I going to be pigeon towed!!

 

Liquid Lunch

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Redfaced Moment from a fellow Joke Lover...

 

Back when I was just a few months pregnant with my daughter, I always

seemed to be plagued with indigestion, and sometimes hiccups.  I was

searching for a hunting knife for my husband for Father's Day in a

sports shop. 

 

I walked right up to the young gentlemen and before I could utter a

word, out jumped the BIGGEST hiccup you have ever heard.

 

"Liquid lunch?" he asked. 

 

Quite embarrassed, but determined to recover, I smiled and asked "Do

you carry hunting knives?" to which he replied, "Ma'am, I don't know.

I don't work here!"

 

 

Bumper Stickers

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

 

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,

SEEKS FROG.

 

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

 

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

 

DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

 

NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

 

Painted with Envy

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a

diamond  necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and

a beautiful Rolex watch."

 

"But you are not wearing any of those things," the artist said.

 

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my

husband.  I'm sure he would remarry right away, and I want his

new wife to go crazy looking for all that jewelry."

 

Viagra Minimalist

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An elderly man went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist

to fill his prescription for Viagra.

 

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem.  How many do you want?"

 

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you please

cut each one into four pieces?"

 

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.  That won't get you

through sex."

 

The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right.  I'm past eighty years

old, and I don't even think about sex anymore.  I just want it to

stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

Missionary Value

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the

Yukon who had never recorded a baptism,

confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon

rectified the situation by baptizing and

confirming everyone. He also married every

couple that walked by and desired such.

 

Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe

had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the

chief which part they enjoyed the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.

"We all got new wives!"

 

 

Political Confusion?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

We now live in a country where we have no President

but we do have ...

 

1) a dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.

2) a fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.

 

3) a new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss

of the man who may be President.

4) a Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be

President and son of a man who was.

5) a sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same

men who voted to remove him from office.

6) a senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current

Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this

standoff despite the fact that he is 98.

7) a potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name

off the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding

factor in how the Senate is composed. And finally ....

8) A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic

Attorney General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes

without appearing to be partisan.

 

Any questions? Frankly, I don't see what the confusion is all about.

 

 

Tough Lesson

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A teenager came home from school with a writing assignment. He asked

his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between

potential and reality?"

 

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then said, "I'll show you the

difference with a simple lesson.  Go ask your mother if she would

sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your

sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Return to me to tell me what you've learned."

 

The teen was puzzled, but he decided to see if he could figure out

what his father meant. He asked his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you

a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

 

His mother looked around slyly, and then with a little smile on her

face said, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

 

Then he went to his sisters room and asked her, "Sis, if someone gave

you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister

looked up and said, "Omigod! Definitely!"

 

The kid went back to his father and said, "Dad, I think I've figured

it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in

reality we're living with two women who are available at a price."

 

 

Sex Ed

-=-=-=-=-

 

Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and

the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting

into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was

wrong.

 

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa'

speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny'

speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth

fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups

don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

 

 

Falsely Accused

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Armstrong," the boss bellowed, "I happen to know that the

reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were

out playing golf!  What do you have to say for yourself?"

 

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the

fish to prove it!"

 

Holiday Memos

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

RE: Christmas Party

DATE: December 1

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will

take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet

room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.  No-host bar, but plenty

of eggnog!  We'll have a small band playing traditional

carols.  Feel free to sing along, and don't be surprised if

our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

 

 

MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish

employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which

often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party".

 

The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at

this time.  Happy now?

 

 

MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm

happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table

that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I

supposed to handle this? Somebody?

 

 

MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

 

What a diverse company we are!  I had no idea that December 20 begins

the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and

sex during daylight hours.  There goes the party! Seriously, we can

appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our

Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving

your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this

time of year, or else package everything for take-home in little foil

swans.  Will that work?

 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit

farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the

table closest to the restrooms.  Did I miss anything?

 

 

MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

 

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice.  What do you expect me to

do, a tap-dance on your heads?  Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit

the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping"

employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle

during the band's breaks. Okay???

 

 

MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

 

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress

up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be

"Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red

suit".  It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or

family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on

Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

 

 

MEMO

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

 

Vegetarians!?!?!?  I've had it with you people!!!   We're going to

keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or

not, so you can sit quietly at the table furtherest from the "grill

of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*!

salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.  But you know, they have

feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.  I've heard them

scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

 

 

MEMO

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery

from his stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your

cards to him at the sanitarium.  In the meantime, management has

decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon

of the 23rd off with full pay.

 

 

Proposed Rule Revision

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South

Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE". Once a

player has hit an errant shot, he will be allowed to call "GORE"

while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in

the same spot and hit it again to try for a better position than the

first shot.

 

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where

he has INTENDED to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time

of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.

 

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA, but

proponents say it is only "fair," since only the "intended shots"

should be considered.

 

A recent test of this new rule was just played out in an exclusive

club in Palm Beach County, Florida, and the first hole only took 7

days to complete. Further testing may need extra judgments to achieve

the desired results

 

 

Childlike Perspective

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he

fingered through the old pages.

 

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object

and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been

pressed in between the pages.

 

"Momma, look what I found" the boy called out.

 

"What have you got there, dear?" the mother asked.

 

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think

it's Adams's underwear!"

 

 

The Divorce Lawyer

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An attractive blonde was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and

dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention

his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had

fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a

married man.

 

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there

some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

 

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched

drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone,

hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you

want for us?"

 

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

 

"Oh," said the lawyer, "just some suggestions."

 

Telling it All

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The

following exchange takes place...

 

The man says: "What's the problem officer?"

 

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

 

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

 

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

 

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail

light."

 

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

 

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

[Man gives his wife another dirty look.]

 

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your

seat belt."

 

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

 

Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

 

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"

 

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk

to you this way all the time?"

 

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

 

 

Honey?

-=-=-=-=-

 

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft.  Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. 

 

The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where

are you going?  I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you

turned right on "Delta.  Stop right there! I know it's difficult to

tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever

to sort this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell

you to!  Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell

you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." 

 

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to

engage the irate ground controller in her current state.  Tension in

every cockpit at LGA was running high.

 

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,

"Controller, wasn't I married to you once?"

 

 

Lighter Side

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their

ailments on day:

 

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see MY coffee,"

replied another.

 

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a

third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

 

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," . . . another went on.

 

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man

as he shook his head.

 

Then there was a short moment of silence...

 

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness

we can still drive!"

 

 

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old

crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for

an examination," said the young girl.

 

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and

take your clothes off."

 

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

 

"Very well. Madam, put your tongue out."

 

 

"You're going out to play golf again?" his wife complained.

 

"I'm only doing under doctors orders."

 

"Do I look stupid to you?!"

 

"But its true," he said, while walking out the door.  "He

told me specifically that I should get some iron everyday."

 

--

 

Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid

offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the

while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest

score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great

game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke,

but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

 

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to

Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and

since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney

pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

"I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

 

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've

been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five

bucks?!?"

 

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right

here!"

 

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement.  "I'll have

you know I've been standing on your ball for the last

five minutes!"

 

 

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation

when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the

memory clinic you went to last month?"

 

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the

latest psychological techniques: visualization,

association... it has made a big difference for me."

 

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"

 

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't

remember.

 

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What

do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

 

"You mean a rose?"

 

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose,

what was the name of that clinic?"

 

Q: Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

 

A: New Zealand.

 

 

My doctor called this morning, and said, "About this

medical test I did on you, I have some good news and

some bad news."

 

I said, "Hit me with the good news first."

 

"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," said

the doctor.

 

Horrified, I asked, "If that is the good news, then

what is the bad news??"

 

"I couldn't reach you yesterday."

 

 

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He

called his kids together to ask which one should have the

present.

 

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks

back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

 

Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"

 

--

 

A woman's husband dies. She has only $20,000 to her name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery,

she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.

 

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still

had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died.

How could you be broke?"

 

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000.

And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to

the church, so that was another $5,000. The rest went

for the memorial stone."

 

The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My

God, how big was it?"

 

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats".

 

 

Murphette's Law:

 

If a man can be wrong, he will be wrong.

 

A man will continue to be wrong until corrected by a

woman.

 

A man will become wrong again as soon as there is no

woman available to correct him.

 

 

Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his

cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself

stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't

believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each

woman would have one night a week with the only man.

 

Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto,

working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched

into months, he found himself looking forward to that day

of rest more and more eagerly.

 

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing

for some more men to share his duties when he caught

sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing

on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore,

and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how

happy I am to see you," he cried.

 

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're

a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"

 

"Crap," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."

 

 

I was going to include a pun about the number 288, but

it's two gross...

 

--

 

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me

ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

 

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a

look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a $20 note lodged

up here"

 

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom,

and then a $10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims

the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?."

 

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man," shrieks the

patient.

 

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty

appears, and another and another etc...

 

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

 

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how

moch is dare den?"

 

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."

 

"Ah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling

two grand."

 

 

Q: You throw away the outside, then cook the inside. 

Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. 

What is it?

 

A: Corn

 

 

The movie "102 Dalmatians" was released last weekend.

However, in Florida it was only "97 Dalmatians."

 

Palm Beach County decided to throw out 5 of them

because the dots were in the wrong place.

 

 

A Yankee had seventeen children, all boys. When they

came of age, they voted uniformly for the Democratic

ticket - all except one boy.

 

The father was asked to explain this terrible fall

from grace.

 

"Well," he said, "I've always tried to bring my sons

up right, but John, the stubborn one, got a job and

started working for a living..."

 

--

 

Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch.

The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order.

After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs

Benedict."

 

Waitress says, "Fine, and what will you have Governor

Bush?"

 

Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd

like to have a quickie."

 

Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush,

that's awful, and you're not even President yet!"

 

Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear,

"George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'"

 

 

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN... 

 

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me. 

 

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area. 

 

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever." 

 

...I got a "It's for you loser" .wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime. 

 

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend. 

 

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record. 

 

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract. 

 

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work. 

 

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster. 

 

...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry." 

 

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job. 

 

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes. 

 

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets. 

 

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

 

 

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of

boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He

pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass

lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so

he takes it home with him.

 

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him

three wishes.

 

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

 

POOF!

A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and

guzzles it all at once.

 

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second

wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful

nymphomaniacs reside."

 

POOF!

Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him

lustfully.

 

He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd

never have to work ever again."

 

POOF!

He's back in his government office.

 

 

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of

America, walked into a local branch and wrote, "this iz a

stikkup.  Put all your muny in this bag."

 

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the

teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the

note and that they might call the police before he even

reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and

crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

 

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to

the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it, noticing all of his

spelling errors.  She quickly surmised that he wasn't the

brightest light in the harbor.

 

Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note

because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and

that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit

slip or go back to Bank of America.

 

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.  The

Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the

man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at

Bank of America.

 

 

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came

home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she

yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a

bald woman!"

 

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled

again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to

buy any perfume!"

 

 

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to

give her back to her parents"

 

 

Advantages Of Aging

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

 

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

 

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't

remember them either.

 

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable number.

 

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

 

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

 

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 

Recovery Visit

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun

walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing.

The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He

talked about his wife and 13 children.

 

"My, my," said the nun, "13 children... You're a good, proper Catholic

family. God is very proud of you!"

 

"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."

 

"Jewish!?" she replies.  "Hmmm... You're a sex maniac, aren't you?"

 

All Covered (Classic)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could

think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that

the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

 

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher,

I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

 

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and

that he would look for it.

 

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman

aside and showed her the PMS passage which read, "And Mary rode

Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

 

Frame of Mind

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a

beautiful woman passes them.  She's 5'10", 38-24-36,

with a string bikini on and no tan lines!

 

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in

a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that

sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!"

 

 

Aptitude Test

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

 

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two

rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

 

Paddy: SEVEN!

 

Tester: No.  Now listen carefully again.  If I give you two rabbits,

and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you

got?

 

Paddy: SEVEN!

 

Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of

beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how

many bottles of beer have you got?

 

Paddy: SIX.

 

Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and

another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

 

Paddy: SEVEN!

 

Tester: How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits

is seven?

 

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

 

 

Long Held Tradition

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about

the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

 

"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition.  First, we give you a gold

bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable.  The silver bar

of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable.

When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two

silver bars.

 

"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an

Admiral, you're obviously a star.  That answer your question?"

 

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"

 

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history.  Back to the Garden of Eden

even.  You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

 

Sam's Shack

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man's off road vehicle breaks down in the middle of the Mojave

desert. It's the middle of summer and the area is not named "Death

Valley" for nothing, so he decides to hike out. By the time he

finally reaches even a dirt road, he is on his last legs and dying of

thirst.  Up ahead he spots a roadside stand and a shack. He gets to

his feet and stumbles up to the stand.

 

"Water!" he croaks.

 

Morris, the owner of the stand smiles. "Hey, I don't sell water. My

brother Sam, he sells cold bottled water in the shack next door.  I

sell ties at this stand......Wanna buy a tie?"

 

"NO, I need water," the dying man says. So he drags himself over to

the door of Sam's shack, hauls himself up on his feet, and starts to

walk in, when Sam, the shack owner, stops him.

 

"Sorry, you can't get in without a tie!"

 

Coming Out

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still had not

gotten over her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back

into the world.

 

Finally, Sadie said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her

daughter immediately replied, "Mama! I have the perfect person

for you to meet."

 

Well, it was an immediate hit!  They took to one another incredibly

well, and after dating for six months he asked her to marry him and

she happily agreed.  A few weeks later, they were married and

honeymooned in the Catskills.

 

The first night there, she began to undress, as did he. There she

stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his

birthday suit. Looking at her he asked, "Why the black panties? 

Is this a mystery thing?"

 

She replied, "The rest of my body is yours, but down there I am

still in mourning."  He understood and accepted her choice, though

somewhat disappointed.

 

The following night the same scenario: She presented herself to him,

clad in only her black panties and he was in his birthday suit,

except that he donned a black condom.

 

She looked at him and asked," What's with this...a black condom?"

 

With a sly grin, he replied, "Well, I just I wanted to offer my

condolences!"

 

Supreme Decision

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in

Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason,

or church and state issues...

 

"They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin

in the Nation's capitol," say the reports.

 

 

One Good Turn...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnnie was very lustful for a girl living in his

neighborhood. He invited her to dinner, and she accepted. After

dinner, he drove to a little mountain about 5 miles away from the

city, and told her: "I want you right here and now. Do it or get

out and go home!" Without saying a word, she got out and

walked home.

 

A few weeks later, after a lot of apologizing, he invited her

again, and she agreed. Later, he drove to another mountain

about 10 miles away. Same question, same answer: the girl got

out of the car and walked home.

 

Another few weeks later, after sending flowers and candies

and even more apologizing, Johnnie gave it another try. The

girl accepted once again. This time, Johnny wanted to make it

sure, so he drove 50 miles away.

 

Once again he said: "I want you now. Do it or get out and walk

home!"  Without saying a word, the girl undressed and the two

had the greatest sex in Johnnie's whole life.

 

Afterwards, when the two of them were dressed again and drove home,

Johnnie asked her why she had walked home the first two times, as she

had obviously enjoyed it very much.

 

The girl answered: "Well , I will gladly walk 5 or 10 miles to save a

good friend from gonorrhea, but 50 miles is just too much to ask."

 

 

Upstanding Patient (Classic)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left

her, hoping she would be well cared  for.

 

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast,

and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower

garden.

 

She seemed okay at first, but after a while she slowly started to

tilt sideways in her chair.  Two attentive nurses immediately rushed

up to catch her and straighten her up.

 

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt

over to her other side.  The nurses rushed back and once more brought

her back upright. This went on all morning.

 

Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new

home. "So Ma, how is it here?  Are they treating you all right?"

 

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except for some reason they won't

let a poor old woman relieve her gas when she needs to."

 

 

Fishing for Insults

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when

you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die just so

you can spit on my grave."

 

"Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never

want to stand in line again."

 

Golf, the Contact Sport

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

 

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately   clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to   the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.  "Please allow me to help.

I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if

  you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

 

"Ummph, oooh, noooo...  I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal positionstill clasping his hands together at his crotch.

 

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

 

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

 

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing

for my thumb.  It still hurts like hell!"

 

 

No, Santa...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little girl is in line to see Santa  When it is her turn, she

climbs up on Santa's lap Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to

bring you for Christmas?"  The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie

and GI Joe"

 

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought

Barbie comes with Ken."

 

"No," said the little girl, "she comes with GI Joe.  She fakes it

with Ken."

 

 

Little Johnnie Christmas

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnnie had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired

of it.  He decided to ask his shrink what to do?

 

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask

Johnnie what he wants Santa to bring him.  If he cusses while he

tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the

gift or gifts he requests."

 

Two days before Christmas, Johnnie's father asked him what he wanted

for Christmas.  I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when

I wake-up.  When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going

around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike

leaning up against the damn garage.

 

Christmas morning, Little Johnnie woke up and rolled over into a pile

of dog poop.  Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile

under the tree.  Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a

huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

 

When Johnnie walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his

dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

 

Johnnie replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the him."

 

 

Psychological Christmas Songs

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I  Hear?

 

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented  Are.

 

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For  Christmas.

 

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About  Me)

 

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and

Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No

Expense!

 

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get  Me.

 

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna

Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

 

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle  Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,

Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle

Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle

Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....

 

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

 

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave

to Me (and then took it all away).

 

 

Elf Pick-up Lines

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"You know, I could get you off Santa's 'naughty' list!"

 

"I can eat my weight in cocktail frankfurters!"

 

"I used to be Brad Pitt's lawn ornament."

 

"Hey! I'm down here!"

 

"Hey, baby, I bet you'd look terrific in a Raggedy Ann wig!"

 

"I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild

man!"

 

 

Holiday Controversy

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?

YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use

MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use

FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits

REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls

 

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?

YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm

MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team

FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles

REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

 

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?

YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype

MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt

FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas

REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

 

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?

YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills

MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree

FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork

REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

 

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?

YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all

enjoy surprise

MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football

FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present

REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway

 

CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner

YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ

MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer

FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares

REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's

 

 

Picture of Health

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his

porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.

"What's your secret for a long happy life?"

 

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a

case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"

 

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

 

He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."

 

Important Business Study

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results

on corporate America recreation preferences: 

 

1.  Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

 

2.  Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

 

3.  Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

 

4.  Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

 

5.  Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

 

CONCLUSION: 

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your

balls.

 

When Life Begins

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were

discussing when life begins.

 

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That

is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

 

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because

that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making

its own decisions and must learn about sin."

 

"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the

children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

 

 

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs

be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about

the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic

beverage.

 

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up

with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead

animal that is one hundred yards away.

 

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

dancing like an idiot.

 

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the

same boring story over and over again until your friends want

to assault you

 

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay

shings like thish.

 

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the

boss what you really think of him.

 

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of

inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

 

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion

that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,

really big guy named Psycho Bob.

 

 

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day

of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a

smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to

sweep out the store."

 

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied

indignantly.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here,

give me the broom - I'll show you how.

 

 

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

 

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the

bedroom, and a jackass who'll pay for it all.

 

 

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope

on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began

playing with it.

 

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants

to follow in my footsteps!"

 

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to

McDonald's. May I take your order?"

 

 

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said,

"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.

Claims he's invisible."

 

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

 

 

The couple have not been getting along for years, so the

husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her

birthday."

 

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

 

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't

get her anything.

 

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"

 

He says, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

 

 

What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

 

A leech will drop off a dead body.

 

 

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like

to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New

York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000

feet midway across the Atlantic.

 

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the

aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines

are on fire.

 

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will

observe that the port wing has fallen off.

 

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a

little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at

you.

 

"That's me, the copilot, and one of our flight attendants.

This is a recording."

 

 

 

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? 

 

E.T. phoned home. 

 

 

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman

was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

 

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

 

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman

turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old

man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave

him her license.

 

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent

some time there once and went on a blind date with the

ugliest woman I've ever seen."

 

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" 

 

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

 

 

A secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

Her boss called her into his office and said, "Now look

Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's

over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other

employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as

you please around here?"

 

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling

said, "My lawyer."

 

 

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying

attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny, what

are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

 

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon

Network!"

 

 

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large

company and hands the executive his application. The

executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the

applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

 

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is

terrible. You've been fired from every job."

 

"Yes," says the man.

 

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive

in that."

 

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least

I'm not a quitter."

 

 

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were

Hillary, she would leave President Clinton.

 

In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary,

none of this would have happened in the first place."

 

 

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any

interest in his paintings on display at that time. 

 

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good

news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and

wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your

paintings." 

 

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad

news?" 

 

"The guy was your doctor."

  

 

This just in:

FedEx and UPS are merging.

 

New name: FedUp

 

 

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,

I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long

somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always

locking three."

 

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York.  She had

just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed

that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her

husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and

pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

 

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten

gallon hat and went to the shop.

 

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"

 

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked,

"Would you like two Playtex?"

 

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's

a'waitin fur me up in the room."

 

--

 

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling

home from the pub late one night and found themselves

on the road which led past the old graveyard.

 

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael

O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the

ripe old age of 87."

 

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick

O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

 

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a

fella that got to be 145 years old!"

 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

 

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match

to see what else is written on the stone marker, and

exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin."

 

 

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking

questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to

know, why do people always want to marry a virgin?"

 

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid

criticism."

 

 

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their

wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna

if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted

to try doing it doggy-style."

 

"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"

 

"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged,

she rolled over and played dead."

 

--

 

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive

cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks

years longer.

 

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours

applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was

done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly

now, what age would you say I am?"

 

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said,

"Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair,

mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

 

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

 

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

 

 

Morris that walks into a house of ill repute in Nevada

and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll

come into the desert with me and do it MY way."

 

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into

the desert. After about an hour of hot sex she gets

curious, and asks him, "Just what is your way?"

 

"On credit."

 

 

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?

 

A: Say something

 

--

 

A farmer had a bull that wasn't getting the job done

that he was supposed to, so the farmer went to town to

see the veterinarian. The vet gave the farmer a large

pill and a small pill. He instructed the farmer to give

the bull the large pill. And if that didn't do the job,

then to give the bull the small pill also.

 

The farmer gave the bull the large pill and it was obvious

that that was all that was needed. The vet had instructed

the farmer to destroy the small pill if not used. The

farmer was working on the well at the time so he decided

to just drop it in the well.

 

A few days later while he was in town he saw the vet on

the street.

 

The vet asked about the bull and the farmer told him

the big pill did the job so he dropped the small pill

in the well.

 

The vet got excited and said, "You aren't drinking that

well water, are you?"

 

"Heck no," the farmer replied. "I can't even get the pump

handle down."

 

 

I have kleptomania and, when it gets bad, I have to take

something to help me get to sleep.

 

 

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.

"Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

 

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your

grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

 

"What happened?"

 

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The

dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked

it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining

room table and floated out safely."

 

"How about you?"

 

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

 

--

 

A recent news story said the police caught a guy trying

to cash a phony check and took him down to the station.

While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the

check off the desk and swallowed it.

 

No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then

charged the guy with passing a bad check twice...

 

 

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas

shopping.  It was found by an honest little boy and

returned to her.  Looking in her purse, she commented,

"Hmmm.... That's funny.  When I lost my bag there was

a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

 

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last

time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change

for a reward."

 

--

 

A young boy was looking through the family album and

asked his mother: "Who's this guy on the beach with

you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

 

"That's your father."

 

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives

with us now?"

 

--

 

A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and

looked quite normal, except that he was laughing.

 

I mean laughing real hard.

 

All the doctors and nurses were examining the little

guy, in front of his worried parents, but he kept

on laughing -- his tiny fists all closed and tears

rolling from his eyes.

 

A pediatrician unfolded the baby's tiny fingers, one

at a time, to check if his hand was all right.

 

Guess what he found?

 

The birth control pill.

 

--

 

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for

speeding?

 

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down

his window.

 

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

 

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I

could."

 

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent

the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

--

 

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts

drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says,

"Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

 

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you

had what I had."

 

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

 

The guy answers, "75 cents."

 

 

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see

a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat,

the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you

do that?"

 

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But

then I'd have to kill you."

 

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then.

Just tell my wife!"

 

 

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and

says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you

that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years

of misery is enough."

 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We

can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old

man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of

talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago

and tell her," and he hangs up.

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the

phone. "Like HELL they're getting a divorce," she shouts,

"I'll take care of this."

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old

man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single

thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back,

and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do

a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone too, and turns to his

wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving.

Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

 

 

The President of the United States calls his mother in

Queens and invites her to come down for Christmas. She

says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble... I mean,

I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting

on Queens Blvd..."

 

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab -

I'll send a limousine for you!"

 

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my

ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane,

and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much

trouble."

 

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States!

I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

 

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land,

I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and

try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble."

 

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a

helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

 

She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still

need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and

I really don't like the rooms..."

 

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll

stay at the White House!"

 

She responds, "Well... all right... I guess I'll come."

 

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Beckie:

 

Beckie: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

 

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Christmas!"

 

Beckie: "The doctor?"

 

Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

 

 

Two young boys were spending the night at their

grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt

beside their beds to say their prayers when the

youngest one began praying at the top of his

lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR

A NEW PLAYSTATION... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

 

His older brother leaned over and nudged the

younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting

your prayers? God isn't deaf."

 

To which the little brother replied, "No, but

Gramma is!"

 

 

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy

his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

 

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

 

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still

haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

--

 

On the twelfth recount of Christmas my country gave to me:

 

Twelve lawyers lying, eleven judges judging, ten legal

rulings, nine reporters guessing, eight spokesmen whining,

seven politicians babbling, six disenfranchised voters,

five court filings, four contested ballots, three pregnant

chads, two campaign spins... and... a... disputed...

Presidency

 

--

 

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses

 

--

 

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he

asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

 

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

 

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you

doing this shopping?"

 

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

 

--

 

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their

little father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and

sparks flying.

 

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his

face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke,"

he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

 

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom

just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke

yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for

Christmas?!"

 

Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your

presents."

 

--

Q: Forward I'm heavy, backward I'm not.  What am I?

 

A: The word "ton".

 

 

It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not

having any latkes because they had run out of flour.

 

Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the

problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo

meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as

delicious!"

 

Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty... you

think it'll work?"

 

"Of course! As everybody knows...Rudolph, the Reb, knows

grain, dear!"

 

 

** Latkes= like pancakes (but not quite).

 

 

Now that many of you have spend some time with family

for the holidays, I thought you'd appreciate this one:

 

 

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on

their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter

more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff.

"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week,

and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

 

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"

declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me

to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the

Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

 

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her

mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

 

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

 

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best

psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty

dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"

 

It seems that a young man volunteered for military

service during World War II.

 

He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was

sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping

recruit training.

 

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the

best flier on the base.

 

All they could do was give him his gold wings and

assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in

the Pacific.

 

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly

shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.

 

Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more

Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.

 

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,

circled the carrier and came in for a perfect

landing on the deck.

 

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over

to the captain.  Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir,

how did I do on my very first day?"

 

The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied,

"You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

 

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending

divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

divorce?"

 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home

in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 

"No," he said, "I mean, what is the foundation of this

case?"

 

"Oh, it's made of concrete, brick and mortar," she

responded.

 

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so

do my husband's parents."

 

He asked, "Well, do you have a real grudge?"

 

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have

never really needed one."

 

Exasperated, he tried again, "Please, is there any

infidelity in your marriage?"

 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't

necessarily like the music, but the answer to your

question is yes."

 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up

earlier than I do."

 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do

you want a divorce?"

 

"Oh, no, I don't want a divorce." she replied. "I've

never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't

communicate with me."

 

 

 

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so

good.

 

--

 

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.

A pessimist fears that this is true.

 

--

 

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy

beautician.

 

--

 

And a final tip for those going out on New Year's Eve:

 

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not

color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips

end."

 

 

Two drunks on a London underground train. The train

stops at a station.

 

"Ish thish Wembley?" asks one.

 

"No it'sh Thurshday," says the other.

 

"Sho am I. Let'sh get off and find a pub."

 

--

 

A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before

closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender,

barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender

brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

 

"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the

bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady

is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She

called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me

heartburn."

 

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady,

I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have

been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and

finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are

hanging in the ashtray."

 

--

 

The newlyweds entered the nightclub of their Miami Beach

hotel. The waitress, a magnificent blonde, looked at them

in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"

 

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their

room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"

 

"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have

trouble enough explaining you to her."

 

--

 

And, of course, there was the guy who told his wife he'd

be in at "a quarter of twelve" on New Year's Eve.  When

he finally stumbled in at 3am, she read him the riot act

and demanded to know why he was late.

 

"I'm not late," he slurred.  "You see, three IS a quarter

of twelve..."

 

--

 

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the

evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

 

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened

to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high

washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he

fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was

hospitalized for six months.

 

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened

to him was when he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus

ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the

hospital for nearly a year.

 

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the

others asked him about his worst experience.

 

He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst

thing that ever happened to me. I was out hunting one

time and I had to take a dump, so I stepped behind a

tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the

position."

 

"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.

 

"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM --

a bear trap snapped shut on my family jewels."

 

One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second

worst, what in the world was the worst?"

 

He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached

the end of the chain..."

 

No offense to our Florida subscribers, but where

tonight's Orange Bowl is concerned, GO OU SOONERS!!!

Bring back the national championship, some warm

weather, and maybe a few oranges!

 

--

 

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in

front of the TV, and rudely tells his wife, "Gimme

a beer before it starts".

 

She gives him his beer.

 

About 15 minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a beer

before it starts".

 

She does.

 

A few minutes later, he asks for another beer.

 

The wife says, "Don't you think you're drinking too

much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got

here and you've already had two beers. You haven't

taken out the trash yet, and the light bulb in the

kitchen is still out.  And how about the filter in

the furnace?  The garage is a mess, and when are

you going to shovel snow off the sidewalk?  I'm

getting fed up with this."

 

The husband looks up and mumbles, "NOW it starts..."

 

 

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.

 

Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

 

 

A group of friends who prided themselves on their

intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each

person in turn asked a question and anyone who

volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If

no one could answer, the questioner himself had to

answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.

 

Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

 

Eventually the matter boiled down to Matt and Steve,

and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both

were held even for half an hour.

 

Finally Matt said, "How does a gopher dig a hole

without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"

 

Steve thought about that and said, "I can't answer

that.  However, since it's your question, you had

better answer it."

 

Matt said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated

pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom

of the hole and that's where he leaves the dirt."

 

"Hold on," said Steve heatedly, grasping Matt's wrist

to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the

gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first

place?"

 

"That's your question," said Matt as he took the money.

 

 

At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant

scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk

explained that the device was out for repairs, but said

that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing

the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then

weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second

amount from the first.

 

"It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the

mother, I'm the aunt."

 

--

 

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious

plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a

bill for $600.

 

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even

make that much as a lawyer!"

 

The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was

a lawyer."

 

--

 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created

everything, including human beings. Little Johnny

seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve

was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down

as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what's the

matter?"

 

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.

I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

 

Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for

married men?

 

It has pictures of the same woman every month...

 

 

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

 

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a

nymphomaniac."

 

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you

that my fee is $80 an hour."

 

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

--

 

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another

man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

 

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE

WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

 

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP

2. WON'T RUN AWAY

3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

 

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her

doorbell was ringing constantly, and she received tons

of mail, all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet

her qualifications.

 

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the

door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on

the welcome mat.  Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you

and what do you want?"

 

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the

man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat

you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

 

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're

so great in bed?"

 

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

 

One morning, (I believe it was a Monday, but I couldn't

swear to it) the papa mole reached his head out of the

hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

 

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and

said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

 

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out

of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because

the two bigger moles were in the way.

 

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled,

"The only thing I can smell is molasses."

 

 

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the

same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the

third from Florida.

 

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did

for a living. When they all replied that they were

contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear

fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give

me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it

out.

 

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his

tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I

figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400

for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

 

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape

measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks

like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for

my crew, and $100 profit for me."

 

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said,

"$2,700."

 

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't

even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with

such a high figure?"

 

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire

the guy from Texas."

   

 

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who

is closely examining something held in his fingers. The

lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets

curious enough to ask what it is. 

 

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like

rubber." 

 

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to

roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it

closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic

and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did

you get it?" 

 

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

 

Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by

biting insects?

 

Tim: Don't bite any.

  

 

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows

him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the

kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there

alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

 

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says, "What's this?"

 

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

 

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..."

 

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an

ashtray."

 

 

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their

conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a

cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do

anything with it."

 

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

 

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -

'Take a clean dish and...'"

 

 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was

a fool when I married you." 

 

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't

notice it."

  

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a

curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

 

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the

exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

 

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man

and wife."

    

 

Did you hear about the Washington survey? They asked a

thousand women if they would sleep with the President. 

 

95% replied, "Not again."

  

 

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the

roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

 

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

 

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

 

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up. 

 

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

    

 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

 

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will

never be able to support you.

  

 

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to

die for crimes that they have committed. 

 

The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the

guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the

device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Lawyer is

spared and released to go free.

 

The Doctor is brought up in shackles and placed in the

guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the

device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Doctor is

spared and released to go free.

 

The Engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the

guillotine. The executioner reaches for the lever to activate

the device and the engineer shouts, "Wait! Stop everything! I

think I've figured out your problem!"

 

 

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still

feel miserable.

 

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I

gave you?

 

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "keep tightly closed."

 

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,

balding man standing at the counter methodically placing

"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over

them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying

scent all over them.

 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the

balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm

sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 

 

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done

about her constipation.

 

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a

week."

 

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

 

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-

hour in the morning and again at night."

 

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

 

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

 

 

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young

woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and

confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked

what was he going to do about it?

 

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the

boy was 16. She agreed.

 

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one

day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week,

came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting

too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat

home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the

expression on her face."

 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman

nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I

have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for

the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

 

 

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By

the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he

was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at

his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He

tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen

and more painful.

 

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a

maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water,

not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and

the swelling rapidly subsided.

 

On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say

Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to

soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to

use cold water and it got better."

 

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my

maid said hot water."

 

 

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under a lot of stress.

I keep losing my temper with people… 

 

Doctor: Tell me about your problem. 

 

Patient: I just did, you stupid jerk!

 

 

Perception Rules

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up

our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in

it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working

feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

 

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the

door handle and discovered it was open.  "Hey," I announced to the

technician, "It's open!"

 

"I know," answered the young man.  "I already got that side."

 

 

Cats & Physics

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1 - Law of Cat Inertia

    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted

    upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat

    food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

 

2 - Law of Cat Motion

    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a

    really good reason to change direction.

 

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism

     All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in

     direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

 

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics

     Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the

     case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

 

5 - Law of Cat Stretching

     A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the

     length of the nap just taken.

 

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping

     All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a

     position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is

     possible for the cat.

 

7 - Law of Cat Elongation

     A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about

     any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on

     it.

 

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration

     A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets

     good and ready to stop.

 

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance

     Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

 

10 - Law of Rug Configuration

       No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very

       long.

 

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance

       A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's

       desire for her to do something.

 

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation

       Cats know that energy can neither be created nor

       destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as

       possible.

 

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation

       Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot

       of napping.

 

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation

       If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone

       will come along and take out something good to eat.

 

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

       Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed

       at the speed of light.

 

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking

       A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most

       comfortable spot in any given room.

 

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy

       All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat

       within the earliest possible nanosecond.

 

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment

       A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her

       embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

 

19 - Law of Milk Consumption

       A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to

       show you he can.

 

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement

       A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly

       proportional to the cost of the furniture.

 

21 - Law of Cat Landing

       A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

 

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement

       A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume,

       minus the amount of milk consumed.

 

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest

       A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion

       to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to

       interest him.

 

24 - Law of Pill Rejection

       Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to

       reach escape velocity.

 

25 - Law of Cat Composition

       A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't

       Matter.

 

 

Holiday Stress Test

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The holidays aren't yet done, so here is a test to help you. 

You'll know you're experiencing holiday stress when...

 

- You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.

 

- The sun is too loud.

 

- You are missing several days from this week.

 

- Trees begin to chase you.

 

- You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

 

- You wonder if brewing is *really* a necessary step for the

consumption of coffee.

 

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that

you've said it before.

 

- You can hear mimes.

 

- Things become "very clear."  Everything is "very clear, indeed."

 

- You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

 

- Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

 

- You and reality file for divorce.

 

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that

you've said it before.

 

- It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

 

- You can travel without moving.

 

- Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

 

- You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

 

- You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get

into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for

a week.

 

 

Message Received

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,

poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're

next!"

 

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them

at funerals.

 

 

Up All Night!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Here's to them that say they will, and then they really

won't.

 

Here's to them that say they do, and then they really don't.

 

I'd spend up all my pay check, and drink way into the night,

for the girl that said, "I never had, but for you I just might."

 

Qualified

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling

around with the waitress?!"

 

"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't" replied the bartender.

 

The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"

 

Things Not to Say During Sex

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

But everybody looks funny naked!

 

You woke me up for that?

 

Did I mention the video camera?

 

(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

 

A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

 

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

 

Person 1: This is your first time... right?

Person 2: Yeah, today...

 

Can you please pass me the remote control?

 

Do you accept Visa?

 

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

 

And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend! 

 

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

 

(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

 

 

Time Release

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist,

the customer asked, "Are these time release pills?"

 

The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work

just as soon as your check clears!"

 

 

Instructions Explained

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing

wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.  He insulted me

terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove

downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

 

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.  This morning the

alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. 

 

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize

that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.  I had

to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I

got a speeding ticket. 

 

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat

tire.  When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people

waiting for me to open up.  I got the store opened and started

waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing

off the hook."

 

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the

cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the

floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the

phone was still ringing. 

 

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made

me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on

it...half of them hit the floor and broke.  Meanwhile, the phone is

still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

 

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal

thermometer...and believe me, Mister, I told her!"

 

 

Subliminal Speech

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Hi.  I'm Ray.

 

I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon

(sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love

slave) in the past few years.  I'm talking about subliminal

suggestion.

 

Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the

subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a

stereo) to them too fast or in a way the conscious mind can pick (you

want me) up.

 

Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8 tonight) finds himself doing

something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets). This

technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie

theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy

the popcorn." (and the condoms).

 

This one frame goes by so fast the conscious mind can't possibly

assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the

subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to

act on it.

 

Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who

knows? (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the

peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch "I Love Lucy" reruns and

do things that they'll have to invent new names for when we' re done

and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again) The jury is

still out on that one.

 

Thanks for your time and patience.

 

Resignation

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have

decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old

again.

 

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star

restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a

sidewalk with rocks.

 

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I

want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my

friends on a hot summer's day.

 

I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew

were colors, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes, but that didn't

bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you

didn't care.

 

All you knew was  to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of

all the things that should make you worried or upset.

 

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

 

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to

the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things

again.

 

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of

computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to

survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor

bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

 

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,

justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels

in the snow.

 

So.... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and

my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

 

And if you want to discuss this further, you will have to catch me

first, because...... ....."Tag! You're it."

 

 

You're Getting Old When...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

You're getting old when...

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you

answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

 

You're getting old when...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and

you're barefoot.

 

You're getting old when...

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the

garage door.

 

You're getting old when...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you

don't have to go along.

 

You're getting old when...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of

the police.

 

You're getting old when...

"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any

fiber today."

 

You're getting old when...

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

 

You're getting old when...

An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

 

Tough Customer

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's

hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the

clerk had some very good news for him.

 

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.  "I finally sold that terrible,

ugly suit we've had so long!"

 

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!"

the manager asked.

 

"That's the one!"

 

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of

that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!

But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

 

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his

seeing-eye dog bit me."

 

Security

-=-=-=-=-

 

"My parents called last night and told me they are getting an alarm

system installed," the lady told her friend.

 

She continued, "Yes, the package includes a motion detector in their

bedroom!"

 

Her friend replied, "What does this tell us about life after 50?"

 

 

Intrigued

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly

shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon

rounds.

 

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,

particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

 

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a

glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,

she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe

this!"

 

Changing Times (Classic)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A sales representative from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope.

After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we

have a deal for you.  If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us

this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily

chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the

Church."

 

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible.  The Prayer is the

Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

 

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to

the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our

daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

 

Again the Pope replies, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word

of the Lord and it must not be changed."

 

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer.  We will donate

$5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give

us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily

chicken....'"  and he leaves.

 

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that

he has good news and some bad news.

 

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."

 

"The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!"

 

 

What Can You Give Me?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady

behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.

 

"I am the pharmacist," she informed him.

 

"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.

 

"Young man," the lady said to him, "My sister and I have been

pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so

what is your problem?"

 

"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with

erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no

matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse!

Please, can you give me something for it?"

 

"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed

him. About ten minutes later she came back.

 

"Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give

you is $600 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

 

 

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon

wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride

was just 23 years old. The groom looked pretty feeble and

the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him since

his young bride was a healthy, vivacious woman.

 

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down

the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the

banister for dear life.

 

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little

shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,

"Whatever happened to you, dear? You look like you've

been wrestling an alligator!"

 

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to

speak, "Geez, he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years,

and I thought he meant his money!"

 

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street

when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

 

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort

to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in

front of her at the same time.

 

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering

on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in

return.

 

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three

suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first

one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together

in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

 

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says

"I love liver and cheese."

 

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no

imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the

tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

 

"Um.I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

 

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's

just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to

the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,

little guy?"

 

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse,

is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns

to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says:

 

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

 

 

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,

pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be

out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory

to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule

will be fined $40 the first time."

 

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second

time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur

a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

 

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for

a season pass?"

 

 

Boy to girl: I'll bet your mom is a good 

baker.

 

Reply: What makes you think so?

 

Boy to girl: Cause you've got some nice 

buns.

 

 

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive

lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon

discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very

intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began

showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first

editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.

 

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

"Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the

gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me

with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is

removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I

inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of

ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion

and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand

violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported

into another world."

 

She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

     

 

Why are married women heavier than single women?

 

Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and

go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the

bed and go to the fridge!

 

 

A married couple was enjoying a dinner in a classy

restaurant, when a statuesque brunette walked over

to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the

husband, and walked off.

 

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

 

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my

mistress."

 

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife

fumed.

 

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said,

"Are you sure you want to give up our big house in

the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry

and our vacation home in Mexico?"

 

For a long time they continued dining in silence.

Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said,

"Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

 

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

 

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is

much cuter."

 

 

A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to

burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very

pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite.

The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. 

 

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises

were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

 

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard

moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely

shaken."

     

 

A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs

financial assistance.

 

"I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't

see myself going to work."

 

 

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a

5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands,

they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive

guy, explains to them how it works.

 

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you

find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's

easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you

what's inside."

 

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign

reads: "All the men here have it short and thin."

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the

next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here

have it long and thin."

 

Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue

on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads:

"All the men here have it short and thick."

 

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are

still two floors left, they continued on up.

 

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men

here have it long and thick."

 

The women get all excited and are going in when they

realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering

what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth

floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no

men here. This floor was built only to prove that there

is no way to please a woman."

 

 

The last fight was my fault. She asked, "What's on the

TV?"  I said, "Dust!"

 

 

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to

bring  $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at

10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his

wife alive again.

 

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped

out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell

took ya so long? You're over two hours late."

 

"Hey! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a

27 handicap."

 

--

 

Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding.

The husband to be, wakes up in the morning, plays a round

of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the

altar.

 

The wife to be on the other hand, wakes up in the morning

and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize

things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her

mind she is repeating what she has to do.

 

"All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar,

and marry him."

 

She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to

shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat...

 

"Aisle, altar, him."

"Aisle, altar, him."

"Aisle, altar, him."

 

 

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the

things around the house that he used to do. When the

examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

 

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just

lazy."

 

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can

tell my wife."

     

 

This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If

you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man

says, "If you were my wife I would drink it."

  

 

Top NFL Officials' Complaints:

 

After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas

Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.

 

Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".

 

Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks

pissing off their last remaining fan.

 

With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use

of a racial slur" is meaningless.

 

Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we

have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!

 

Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is

twice as risky.

 

Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for

me it's black and white week after week after week!

 

Don King only bribes boxing judges.

 

Official rulebooks not made in Braille.

 

I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY

helmet and pads?!

 

 

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look

at them and says...

 

"Get out!  We don't serve your type here."

 

 

Why men can't get out of bed!

 

BRAIN SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.

CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!

NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.

CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!

NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to

Clarksville."

CENTRAL: Goodness, are we being tortured?

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request

instruction.

CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what

is going on.

NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness...

Wait, there's a woman sleeping there.

CENTRAL: A woman?

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is

Anna Kournikova.

CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to

"wife," sir.

CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.

NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn,

do you want to take it?

CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?

STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it...it looks bad, sir.

CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!

STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded

at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since.

I don't...I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.

CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all

counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the

chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it

through anything.

STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.

CENTRAL: Good man.

NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!

CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.

NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.

CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!

NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.

CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought...I thought

that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.

SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.

CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to

happen if we go conscious now, this early?

NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?

CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right.

I don't...don't know if I can live through that hell again.

SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.

NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?

CENTRAL: Hmmm?

NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?

CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are

orders! Let's get ourselves moving.

NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!

SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.

CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think.

Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire

on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to

MOVE. Bladder!

BLADDER: Yes sir?

CENTRAL: How are you holding?

BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go

another three hours, easy.

CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on

the horn.

NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!

CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing

up there?

NOSE: We registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago,

but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...

CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an

alert.

NOSE: Thank you, sir.

CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We

took a burrito last night.

NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!

CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on,

you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING

getting through to Consciousness.

NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.

CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!

STOMACH: Sir?

CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?

STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary

is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't

promise anything.

CENTRAL: Damn!

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for

battle!

CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need

him. Any report from our search party?

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a

glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex.

No luck on the snooze, sir.

CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't

get this under control we're going to lose her.

NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive

verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not

Anna Kournikova.

CENTRAL: For crying out loud.

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's

going to commercial, sir.

CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?

NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost

smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a

frown.

CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've

had it.

NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat,

Fingers is on target!

CENTRAL: Fire!

NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!

CENTRAL: Ears!

NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music

is gone!

CENTRAL: We've done it!

SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.

NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode.

Repeat, sleep mode now ready.

CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.

NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.

CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.

NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.

CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.

NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection.

Libido asking for something naked, sir.

CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we

show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like

that one.

NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed

and tape is rolling, sir.

CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.

NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.

 

 

Q: What is:

 

Greater that God

More evil that the devil

Poor people have it

Rich people need it

And if you eat it, you'll die

 

 

A: The answer - "Nothing"

 

 

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win

column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to

describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of

some of these lame names for the NFL. 

 

AFC West:

 

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys 

 

Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs 

 

Oakland Raiders - Oakland Faders 

 

San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers 

 

Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks 

 

AFC Central: 

 

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels 

 

Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns 

 

Tennesse Titans - Tennessee Blight-ans 

 

Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers 

 

AFC East: 

 

Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils

Buffalo Spills 

 

Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts 

 

Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins

Miami Soft Ones 

 

New England Patriots - New England Patsys 

 

New York Jets - New York Pets

New York Not Yets 

 

NFC West:

 

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons 

 

New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's 

 

St. Louis Rams - St. Louis Lambs 

 

San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners 

 

NFC Central:

 

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs 

 

Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's

Detroit Kittens 

 

Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers

Green Bay Slackers

Green Bay Whackers 

 

Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes

Minnesota ViQueens 

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers 

 

NFC East:

 

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals 

 

Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls

Dallas Cowpie 

 

New York Giants - New York Midgets 

 

Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles 

 

Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins

 

Expansion Teams:

 

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers 

 

Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

 

 

 

A little boy went up to his father and asked:

"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

 

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from

your mother, 'cause I still have mine."  

 

 

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a

juror in this case?

 

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

 

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

 

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

 

 

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse

starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?"

she asks.

 

"One-seventy."

 

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his

weight is 183.

 

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

 

"Five-eleven."

 

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5' 8 1/2". She

then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

 

The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in

here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I'm short and dumpy."

 

 

~~

 

 

Nurse: How old are you?

 

Patient: None of your business.

 

Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.

 

Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then

add ten. Got that?

 

Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

 

Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me,

what do you get?

 

Nurse: Zero.

 

Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me

telling you my age...

 

 

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of

exercises to get you prepared: 

 

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-

in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50

dollar bills to warm up. 

 

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after

every use. 

 

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of

your head before you go to bed each night. 

 

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared

on the lenses. 

 

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 

 

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20

times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory

bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

Sporadically drop things. 

 

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them

with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your

toes. 

 

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 

 

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to

run into you at high speed. 

 

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a

hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 

 

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a

motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 

 

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's

in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler. 

 

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the

spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it

melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 

 

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to

take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 

 

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 

 

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until

it's time for the real thing!

 

 

Why did the skeleton burp?

 

Because it didn't have the guts to fart.

 

 

Little Johnny came home one night rather depressed.

 

"What's the matter, Son?" asked his mother.

 

"Aw, gee," said Little Johnny, "It's my grades. They're

all wet."

 

"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

 

"You know," he replied, "...below C-level."

 

 

~~

 

 

"I think I've had too much to drink," I told my

waiter.  "Please bring me something to sober me up."

 

"Certainly," said the waiter, "I'll go and get you

the bill."

 

 

~~

 

 

Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on

how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he

approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to

spell "tequila."

 

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little

Johnny thanked her and went back to his search.

 

A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite

distraught. "I just can't find it," he said.

 

"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.

 

Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird."

 

 

THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

 

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano!

 

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account!

And if you had a broken disk,

It would hurt when you found out!

 

Compress was something you did to garbage 

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public 

You'd be in jail for a while!

 

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road 

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode! 

 

Cut- you did with a pocket knife

Paste- you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!

 

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper 

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash 

But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

 

What do you have if there are 100 rabbits standing in a row

and 99 take a step back?

 

A receding hare line.

 

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the

evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down

to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best

angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

 

When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is pretty bad

on Earth, 95% bad and 5% good."

 

Well, He thought for a moment, then said "Maybe I had

better send down a second angel, to get another point

of view."

 

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a

time too. When the angel returned she went to God and

told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% bad and

5% good."

 

God decided that this was not good at all. So He decided

to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them, and

give them a little something to help them keep going.

 

Do you know what that E-mail said????

 

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

 

You didn't get one either, huh?

 

 

THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

 

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was

$20,000.

 

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three

years running.

 

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

 

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

 

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

 

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The

Net"

 

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

 

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among

turn-ons

 

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr.

President."

 

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card

now, jerk."

 

 

Why do surgeons wear facemasks?

 

So if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it!

 

 

Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.

 

 

While marking her pupil's social studies test papers,

the teacher was in a quandry about the answer given by

one of the third-graders. Asked to name the four major

directions, she wrote:

 

"Listen carefully. Write neatly. Sit up straight.

Raise your hand."

 

 

~~

 

 

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates

to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his

patients to respond to his commands.

 

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to

be going well.  As the national anthem started, the

doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied

by standing up.

 

After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all

sat.

 

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all

broke into applause and cheers.

 

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go

get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in

charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.

 

Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The

assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until

some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

 

 

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

 

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing

each other for 25 cents," she said.

 

"What do you mean?" he asked.

 

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

 

 

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

 

 

 

"You can never plan the future by the past."

 

 

One day, two men named Bill and Steve were taking a ride

on their motorcycles.

 

All of a sudden, Bill lost control and hit a telephone

pole, tearing off the left half of his body. He was

immediately rushed to the hospital while Steve waited

anxiously to hear if he would make it through.

 

After a long wait, the doctor came out and said to

Steve, "He's all right now."

 

 

~~

 

 

Morris had himself cloned. To get acquainted, the two

guys hiked into the woods, talking as they walked -

but the clone, as it turned out, had an incredibly foul

mouth. He cussed, cursed and swore nonstop, until finally,

just to shut him up, the man shoved the clone off a cliff.

 

Soon afterward, Morris was arrested. The charge?

 

Making an obscene clone fall.

 

 

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

 

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing

each other for 25 cents," she said.

 

"What do you mean?" he asked.

 

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

 

 

"OLD" IS WHEN . . . . . Your sweetie says, "Let's go

upstairs and make love", and you answer, "Honey, I

can't do both!"

 

"OLD" IS WHEN. . . . . Your friends compliment you on

your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot!

 

 

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the

flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And

they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread

and two thousand fishes.'"

 

A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's mistake,

raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick.

I could do that."

 

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he

decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly,

"And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread

and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy

man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

 

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

 

"And how exactly would you manage that?"

 

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

 

 

~~

 

I was recently watching a video of that old 1948

thriller "Key Largo" with Edward G. Robinson, Humphrey

Bogart, and Lionel Barrymore. I practically fell out of

my chair at one point when Robinson (playing a gangster

as only he could) says to the good guy (Bogart):

 

"Let me tell you about Florida politicians. I make them

out of whole cloth, just like a tailor makes a suit. I

get their name in the newspaper. I get them some publicity

and get them on the ballot. Then after the election, we

count the votes. And if they don't turn out right, we

recount them. And recount them again. Until they do."

 

REMEMBER - THIS WAS IN A 1948 MOVIE!!! ~~~ what a kick!!

 

 

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are

asking for:

 

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52

weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week,

leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours

each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving

only 91 days available.

 

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts

for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a

1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving

only 22 days available for work.

 

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves

you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5

holidays per year, so your available working time is down to

15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which

leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if

you are going to take that day off!

 

 

"Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory."

 

 

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for

marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

 

 

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted

by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him and says, "You

sir, are drunk!" He looks back at her and says, "And you

ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

 

 

"OLD" IS WHEN. . . . . . A sexy guy/gal catches your

fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!

 

"OLD" IS WHEN. . . . . .Going bra-less pulls all the

wrinkles out of your face!

 

 

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw

my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I

had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt

listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted

of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all

I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was

made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

 

Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the

first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the

daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.

 

Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in

the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started

grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that

day.

 

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five

cups of coffee

 

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

 

- I took a five minute shower

 

- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet

 

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

 

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in

the fifth row

 

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate

 

- I bought five programs

 

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the

fifth horse in the fifth race

 

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making

sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

 

 

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

 

"Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"

 

I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."

 

 

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo. 

 

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. 

 

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you.

 

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well; a

couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. 

 

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. 

 

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend. 

 

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around. 

 

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control. 

 

CAREER-MINDED:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). 

 

APPLY IN PERSON:

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has

been filled. 

 

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal

formality. 

 

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:

You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 

 

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 

 

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the

pay or respect. 

 

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and

do. 

 

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:

I've used Microsoft Office. 

 

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:

I pilfer office supplies. 

 

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 

 

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:

I blame others for my mistakes. 

 

I'M PERSONABLE:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 

 

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:

I carry a Day-Timer. 

 

I AM ADAPTABLE:

I've changed jobs a lot. 

 

I AM ON THE GO:

I'm never at my desk

 

 

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest

cheat in Europe.

 

 

Challenged

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnnie what is your problem?" Johnnie answered,

"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade

and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade

too!"

 

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnnie to the principal's

office. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher

explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told

the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer

any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

 

Johnnie was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and

he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnnie:"9."

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"         

Johnnie: "36."

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third

grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told

her, "I think Johnnie can go to the third grade, just as he thought."

 

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions,

and I'm sure you will see the reasons I am hesitant about Johnnie's

advancement!"  The principal and Johnnie both agreed. 

 

The teacher asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only

two of?" Johnnie, after a moment, replied, "Legs."

 

Teacher: "Ok, you got that right, but I know I'll get you.  What is

in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the

answer, Johnnie replied, "Pockets."

 

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnnie: "Pants"

 

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a

lot of excitement?"

Johnnie: "Firetruck"

 

Little Johnnie had been studying, and he'd not fall for any of her

tricks...  nothing would hold him back if he could help it!

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put

Johnnie in the FIFTH grade.  I missed the last four questions

myself!"

 

 

Mixed Message

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young lass went into Victoria's Secret and asked

if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this,

you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.

 

"Yes madam," said the clerk,  "I'm quite certain that

could be done.  What kind of lettering would you like

it done in?"

 

"Braille," she replied.

 

 

If  LOL means "laughing out loud" then what does "LMAO" mean?

I see that in many jokes I receive.  Thanks for telling me.

 

Sparrow, that means "Laughing My Ass Off!"

 

Mourning Error

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends

wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at

the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest

in Peace."

 

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

 

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how

angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for

the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should

imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place

today, and they have flowers with a note saying,...

'Congratulations on your new location!'"

 

There was a young hooker named Gail

whose price was tattooed on her tail.

And on her behind,

for the sake of the blind,

was the same information in Braille.

 

 

Life Goes On

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning

the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the

homes.

 

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.

Wilson, waiting for help to come.

 

Mrs. Wilson noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.

Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the

way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back

in again, over and over.

 

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do

you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back

again?"

 

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was

going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

 

 

Dream Come True

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to

become one of the world's great writers.

 

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the

whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly

emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain

and anger!"

 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

 

 

First Day (Classic)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young man moves to the city and goes to a large department store to

apply for a job.

 

Manager: Do you have any experience as a salesman?

 

Young man: Sure, back in my hometown I was a salesman!

 

The manager likes the young man and employs him. The young man's

first day at work was hard, but he managed to master it. After

closing time. the manager comes to him and asks him how many sales

he'd made on his first day at work.

 

Young man: One

 

Manager: Only one?!  Our salespeople average 20 to 30 sales daily!

What was the amount of the sale?

 

Young man: 101,237 dollars and 64 cents.

 

Manager: 101,237 dollars and 64 cents?!  What did you sell?

 

Young man: First I sold a small fishing hook to the guy, but then I

also sold him a medium-sized hook.  Then I sold an even larger hook

and finally I sold him a fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he

wanted to go fishing, and he replied 'down at the coast'.  So I told

him that he'd need a boat.  So we went to the outdoor section where

the boats are, and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft.  He

doubted whether his Honda Civic would be able to tow the boat, so I

took him to the car floor and sold him a new 4x4 truck. 

 

Manager: Are you trying to tell me that a man came up to you to buy a

fishing hook and you sold him a boat and an off-road vehicle?!

 

Young man: Actually, no.  He came here to buy a pack of tampons for

his wife.  I told him, 'Oh well, your weekend's shot, so you might as

well go fishing!'

 

 

Definitions by Gender

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

THINGY:

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra

 

VULNERABLE:

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing football without a helmet.

 

COMMUNICATION:

female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 

male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for the weekend with the boys.

 

BUTT:

female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn. 

male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal.  Also good for mooning.

 

COMMITMENT:

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with the girlfriend.

 

ENTERTAINMENT:

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

 

FLATULENCE:

female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and essential element of male bonding.

 

More Acronyms

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

For your further education on using acronyms for declaring your state

of being while you chat with online friends.... 

 

ROFLMAOPMPSTC

Rolling on the floor, Laughing my ass off, peeing my pants and scaring

the children (or cats)

 

Or just PMPSTC

Peeing My Pants, Scaring the Children (or cat(s)).

 

 

The controller who was working a busy pattern told

the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a

complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). 

 

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two

thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

 

Without missing a beat the controller replied,

"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his

approach speed was just a little too fast.

 

San Jose Tower:  "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.

 If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a

right at the light to return to the airport.

 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was

being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at

Kansas City.

 

KC Approach:  "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one

o'clock and three miles."

 

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow him."

 

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven

o'clock and three miles.  Do you have that traffic? 

 

Delta 105:  Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well,

I've got something down there.  Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or

a Chevelle though."

 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Unknown Aircraft:  "I'm f...ing bored!"

 

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!!"

 

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Tower:   "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

124.7."

 

Eastern 702:  "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...  by the

way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far

end of the runway."

 

Tower:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff.  Contact Departure on

124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern.  We've already notified our caterers."

 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

O'Hare Approach Control:  "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

 

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...  I've got

that Fokker in sight!"

 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered

lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but

how to get there without any assistance from them.

 

So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British

Airways 747 (call sign "Speed bird 206") after landing:

 

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt.  Speed bird 206, clear

of the active runway."

 

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

 

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed

to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"

 

Speed bird 206: "Stand by a moment ground.  I'm looking up our gate

location now."

 

Ground: "With some arrogant impatience, "Speed bird 206, have you

never flown to Frankfurt before?!"

 

Speed bird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944... But in another type of

Boeing...  I didn't stop."

 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in

Munich, Germany.   I was listening to the radio since I was the

junior crew member.  This was the conversation I overheard (I don't

recall call signs any longer):

 

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

 

Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

 

Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany.  Why must I speak English?"

 

Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could

answer)  "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

 

Manual Virus

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dear Virus Recipient,

 

You have just received an Albanian virus.  Since we are not so

technologically advanced in Albania, this is a MANUAL virus.

 

Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and then

send this important message to everyone you know.

 

Thank you very much for your collaboration.

 

 

First Ride (Classic)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no

lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and

the horse immediately springs into motion.

 

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins

to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane,

but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms

around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse

anyway.

 

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away

from the horse and throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately, her foot

has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the

horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over

and over. 

 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away

from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bill, the Wal Mart

greeter, sees her difficulty and unplugs the horse.

 

 

Facts of Life

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to

walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

 

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,

son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

 

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in

health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a

package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

 

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one

for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

 

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are

these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for

Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

 

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up

a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.

One for January, one for February, one for March........"

 

Golden Heavens

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was

very grieved because he had worked so hard for his

money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to

heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to

take some of his wealth with him.

 

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry,

but you can't take your wealth with you." The man

implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might

bend the rules.

 

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow

him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God

has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with

him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase

and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside

his bed.

 

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates

of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the

suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in

here!"

 

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has

permission and asks him to verify his story with the

Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back

saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on

bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before

letting it through."

 

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly

items that the man found too precious to leave behind

and exclaims, "All right!  You brought pavement?!!!"

 

 

Swaggering Johnnie

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Ten year old Little Johnnie swaggered into the lounge and demanded

of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks!" in a rude and

reckless tone.

 

"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid demanded.

 

"Maybe later," the kid said, "right now, I just want the Scotch!"

 

 

Sure Thing, Babe

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street

when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store

window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

 

"No problem, Babe," the skinhead said, throwing a brick

through the glass and grabbing the ring.

 

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black

leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to

own that!" she said.

 

"Sure thing, Honey," the skinhead said, throwing another

brick through the window and snatching the coat.

 

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car

dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said

to her boyfriend.

 

"Damn, Baby!" the skinhead cried, "do you think I'm made of

bricks or somethin'!"

 

 

An Old Lady's Letter

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Someone who teaches at middle school in Safety Harbor,

Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent

to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a

luncheon for the elderly.

 

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior

citizen's luncheon.

 

I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for

the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and

it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

 

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

 

My roommate is 95 years old and always had her own radio, but before

I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she

was napping.

 

The other day her radio fell off the night-stand and broke into a

lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she

could listen to mine and I said, "Fuck you!"

 

Ah, life is good.

 

Sincerely,

Edna

 

 

Teamwork

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Panting and sweating, two men on a tandem bicycle finally

made it to the top of a steep hill.

 

"That has got to be the toughest climb ever," said the front rider.

 

"Sure was," replied the second, "and if I hadn't kept the rear brake

on the whole time, we might have slid back down, backwards!"

 

Grade Time

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

College student: "Hey Dad, remember that $500.00 you

promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

 

Father: "I certainly do."

 

College student: "Can I borrow it?"

 

Making the Rounds

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to

a group of first year medical students.

 

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because

his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.  Michael,

what would you do in a case like this?"

 

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

 

One Good Turn...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man walks into a bar one night.

He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

 

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," says the bartender.

 

"One cent!?" exclaimed the guy.

 

The bartender replied, "Yes, One cent" So, the guy glances over at

the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with

fries, peas, and a salad?"

 

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real

money."

 

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

 

"Four cents," he replies.

 

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.

 

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

 

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

 

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

 

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

 

Not a Kid Anymore

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

According to Jeff Foxworthy, you're not a kid anymore WHEN:

 

- You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

 

- You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into

the room.

 

- You enjoy watching the news.

 

- The phone rings and you hope its NOT for you.

 

- The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

 

- People ask what color your hair USED to be.

 

- You're proud of your lawnmower.

 

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking

any laws.

 

- You start singing along with the elevator music.

 

- You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

 

- Your car has four doors.

 

- You routinely check the oil in your car.

 

- You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style,

TWICE.

 

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

 

- 8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".

 

- You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

 

- You write thank you notes without being told.

 

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

 

- You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

 

- Others ask for your recipes.

 

- You start Christmas shopping in August.

 

- You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.

 

- You don't like to drive after dark.

 

- You say the words, "Turn that music down!"

 

- You wear black socks with sandals.

 

- You point out what buildings used to be where.

 

- You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

 

- You rake the yard without being told to.

 

- You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch

television.

 

- The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.

 

- Now tell the truth--aren't you OLD?

 

 

Set it Free

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always

be yours. If it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with."

 

"But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats

your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear

to realize that you had set it free, you probably married or gave

birth to it."

 

 

Visual Lesson

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A teacher thought she would give her young pupils a lesson on the

evils of drinking alcoholic beverages.

 

She poured an amount of alcohol into a jar and dropped a wriggling

worm into it.  In a few moments, the worm layed still and

was apparently dead.

 

The teacher asked,  "What lesson do we learn from this, children?"

 

Little Johnnie piped up,  "If we drink alcohol we won't get worms?"

 

 

Buffalo Theory

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the Buffalo

Theory  to his buddy, Norm Peterson. And here's how it went:

 

"Well ya see Norm, it's like this...  A herd of buffalo can only

move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it

is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the

general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the

regular killing of the weakest members."

 

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the

slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know,

kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest

brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates

the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient

machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

 

"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Good: You decide to get married.

Bad:  You have to pay for the entire wedding.

Ugly: You are getting married to a divorce lawyer.

 

Good: You are making out with your girl in a car in a dark corner

        of a public park.

Bad:  A cop car pulls right next to you and switches its lights on.

Ugly: Your girl says, "Oh my god, it's Dad."

 

Good: Your wife decides to give you a lap dance for your birthday.

Bad:  She moves like a professional.

Ugly: You tip her a twenty and she looks disappointed.

 

Good: Your teenage daughter comes to you for advice.

Bad:  About sexual positions.

Ugly: Involving more than one partner.

 

Good: Your daughter writes home from Hollywood saying she

        made it into the movies.

Bad:  As an extra.

Ugly: You find the movie in the backroom in an adult video store.

 

 

Elderly Invitational

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little old lady was going up and down the halls

in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up

the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex! Supersex!"

 

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.

Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex!"

 

He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. 

Finally he answered, "I'll take the soup."

 

 

Signs of the Times

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sign over a gynecologist's office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

 

On a Plumbers truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

 

Pizza shop slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

 

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

 

At a laundry shop:

"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at

no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would

that be satisfactory?"

 

At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

On an electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

 

In a nonsmoking area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take

appropriate action."

 

On a maternity room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

 

At an optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking  for, you've come to

the right place."

 

On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

 

In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

 

On a fence:

"Dog food is expensive.  Salesmen welcome!"

 

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment."

 

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

 

In a veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit! Stay!"

 

At the electric company:

"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.

However, if you don't, you will be."

 

 

Felinus Medicus

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The "How To" for giving your cat a pill:

 

1. Pick up the cat and gently cradle it in the crook of your left arm

as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either

side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding

pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat

to close mouth and swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in

left arm and repeat process.

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.  

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear

paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of

mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call

spouse in from garden.

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and

rear paws.  Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's

head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop

pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep

shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for

gluing later.

 

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's

head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking

straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.  

 

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans.  Drink a

beer to take away the taste. Apply bandage to spouse's forearm and

remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open

another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to

leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick

pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on

hinges. Drink remaining beer left unspilled. Fetch scotch. Pour shot,

drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus

shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another

shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid

cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13. Tie the little sweet kitty's front paws to rear paws with garden

twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning

gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of

fillet steak. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's

throat to wash down pill.

 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and

forearm and removes pill wedged under your right eyelid. Call

furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

 

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring

local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.  

 

.......

 

How to give a dog a pill.  

 

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

 

2.  Try to retain all fingers in the process.

 

 

"OLD" IS WHEN. . . . . "Getting lucky" means you find

your car in the parking lot!

 

"OLD" IS WHEN. . . . . An "all nighter" means not

getting up to go to the bathroom!

 

 

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a

son who lived far away called his brother and told him,

"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

 

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The

next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he

also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

 

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally

the man called his brother again to find out what was

going on.

 

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something

nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

 

 

~~

 

 

Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff

and moved into the garage. Although the couple seldom spoke,

he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix

the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the

laundry.

 

Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. "Things

don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked.

"Why don't you just move out?"

 

"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger

explained, "she makes such a damn good neighbor."

 

 

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is

the fastest thing in the world.

 

First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when

you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain

instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."

 

Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When

you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see

everything. Nothing is changed."

 

Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as

soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to

instant light."

 

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-

step diarrhea."

 

All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"

 

Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went

across the border to a saloon last night and drank a

buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from

the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two

helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed

over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some

chili peppers I never saw before."

 

First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed

or diarrhea?"

 

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed?

I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and

before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light

on...."

 

 

Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was

excellent!

 

 

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory

where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away

from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his

little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time

in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't

long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under

it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits,

all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

 

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and

I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

 

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

 

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the

grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits

do?" he asked.

 

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's

got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

 

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating

the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later,

he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

 

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in

it. We eat them as well."

 

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while

later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys

do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer

to him and spoke softly.

 

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those

rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner

of the field. "They're girls. We have a LOT of fun with

them. Go and try it."

 

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning doing as

bunnies do, until, completely exhausted, he staggered

back over to the guys.

 

"That was fantastic," he panted.

 

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them

asked.

 

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

 

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.

"Why? We thought you liked it here."

 

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the

laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

 

 

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for

Christmas.

 

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of

his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty

four-wheel-drive vehicles."

 

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a

fake Jeep?"

 

 

~~

 

 

A friend overheard a woman in a computer store say to

the sales assistant, "I want a game capable of holding

the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be

simple enough for his father to play, too."

 

 

~~

 

 

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some

friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

 

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a

great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a

communications major in college and I majored in theatre

arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm

listening."

 

 

~~

 

 

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the

ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A

guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask

if he were worried.

 

He replied that he slept like a baby.

 

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the

fluctuations?"

 

He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then woke

up and cried for a couple of hours..."

 

 

 

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his

favorite hat.

 

Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to

church and steal one out of the vestibule.

 

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door

and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to

the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

 

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule

doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I

want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today.

I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing

your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against

it."

 

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal'

changed your mind?"

 

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as

you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

 

 

"Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do

anything."

 

 

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large

sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."

 

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.

 

"Only one?" the florist asked.

 

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

 

 

~~

 

 

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain

mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby

and gather supplies for the summer. After a few years

of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and

said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can

handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know

how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all

these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"

 

The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently

instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally

told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her

supplies. "And every night when you go to bed, I want

both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them

out until morning."

 

So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to

be solved. That next spring, right on cue, she walked

into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another

child. "Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night

with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"

 

"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-

gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon

buckets would do the trick just the same."

 

 

 

Q. What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

 

A. Stays awake nights wondering if there really is a dog.

 

 

 

A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk

strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and

a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a

policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when

he replied... "Impersonating an office, sir!"

 

 

~~

 

 

A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed,

"Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit."

After talking to the patient at some length, the

psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd

like to see you again next Wednesday."

 

After several sessions of psychotherapy, the

pyschiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

 

For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the

man a monthly statement for his professional services,

but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the

debt.

 

Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had

him repossessed.

 

 

Tower:

"Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to 4000 feet

for noise abatement."

 

Pilot:

"How can I possibly be creating excess noise at

3000 feet?"

 

Tower:

"At 4000 feet, you will miss the 707 now coming

at you at 3000 feet, and that is bound to avoid

one heck of a racket....

 

 

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter

was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an

answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to

be cold and that the members of the village were to

collect wood to be prepared.

 

Being a good leader, he then went to the phone booth

and called the National Weather Service and asked,

"Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone

responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold

indeed."

 

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect

even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called

the National Weather Service again,"Is it going to be

a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's

going to be a very cold winter."

 

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to

go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks

later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are

you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very

cold?"

 

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting

wood like crazy!"

 

 

Q. What is the difference between ignorance and

indifference?

 

A. I don't know and I don't care.

 

 

 

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:

 

This week, all our office phones went dead and I

had to contact the telephone repair people. They

promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00

p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller

time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would

you like us to call you before we come?" I replied

that I didn't see how he would be able to do that,

since our phones weren't working. He also requested

that we report future outages by email.

 

Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?

 

 

IDIOTS AT WORK:

 

I was signing the receipt for my credit card

purchase when the clerk noticed I had never

signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the

transaction unless the card was signed.

 

When I asked why, she explained that it was

necessary to compare the signature I had just

signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit

card in front of her. She carefully compared the

signature to the one I had just signed on the

receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

 

 

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

 

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a

new neighbor call the local township administrative

office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing

sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were

being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross

there anymore.

 

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered

a taco. She asked the person behind the counter

for "minimal lettuce."

 

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when

an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything

in your baggage without your knowledge?"

 

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,

how would I know?"

 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe

to cross the street. I was crossing with an

intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when she

asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained

that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people

doing driving?!"

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

 

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker

who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our

manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should

do this more often."

 

Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each

other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

 

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip

back into itself and for the life of her couldn't

understand why her system would not turn on.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile

dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys

had been locked in it. We went to the service

department and found a mechanic working feverishly

to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from

the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door

handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

 

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

 

To which he replied, "I know - I already got that

side."

 

 

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off

they went to the unemployment office.

 

Asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty

stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."

 

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed

as unskilled labor, she gave him $170, a week's

unemployment pay.

 

The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter"

he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled technical

job in her classification book, the clerk gave the

second guy $480 a week.

 

When the first guy found out he was furious.  He stormed

back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was

collecting double his pay.

 

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and

diesel fitters are skilled labor."

 

"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the

elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

 

 

You're In The Army Now... So Please Remember:

 

 

A Purple Heart proves three things:

 

1) You were smart enough to think of a plan.

2) Stupid enough to try it.

3) Lucky enough to survive.

 

~

 

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.

 

~

 

Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.

 

~

 

Claymores are labelled "This side toward enemy" for a

reason.

 

~

 

Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

 

~

 

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and

don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

 

~

 

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

 

~

 

If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.

 

~

 

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

 

~

 

If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.

 

~

 

If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

 

~

 

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an

ambush.

 

~

 

Incoming fire has the right of way.

 

~

 

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the

area you just bombed.

 

~

 

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you

can't get out.

 

~

 

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

 

~

 

Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

 

~

 

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that

are dangerous.

 

~

 

Teamwork is essential -- it gives the enemy someone

else to shoot at.

 

~

 

The easy way is always mined.

 

~

 

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:

 

a. When you're not ready for them.

b. When you're ready for them.

 

Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

 

~

 

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire

is incoming friendly fire.

 

~

 

The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and

too small.

 

~

 

Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.

 

~

 

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

 

 

 

 

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an

8x10 cell.

 

AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

 

AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal, and you have

to pay for it.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.

 

AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more

work.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for

you.

 

AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and

unlock and open all the doors yourself.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.

 

AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing

games.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.

AT WORK....You have to share.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to

visit.

 

AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and

friends.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with

no work required.

 

AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to

work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to

pay for prisoners.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through

bars from the inside wanting to get out.

 

AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get

out and go inside bars.

 

~

 

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.

 

AT WORK....They are called supervisors.

 

 

Q: What unique thing do these locations have in common:

 

1. The Alamo

2. Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

3. USS Arizona (Pearl Harbor)

4. Betsy Ross' House

5. Sea of Tranquility on the Moon

 

A: They are the only 5 places where the American Flag

is never lowered.

 

 

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,

too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, iron-poor

blood, but now I found out the real reason: we in the

private sector are tired because we're overworked.

 

Here's why:

 

The population of the US is 273 million.

 

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

 

There are 85 million in school,

which leaves 48 million to do the work.

 

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal

government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

 

2.8 million are in the armed forces,

which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

 

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who

work for state and city governments. And that leaves

1.4 million to do the work.

 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,

leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

 

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

 

You and me.

 

And you're sitting in front of your computer reading

jokes.

 

 

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job.

His nephew asked him what happened.

 

"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who

stands around and watches the other men work?"

 

"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.

 

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.

"Everyone thought I was the foreman."

 

 

There once was a scientist doing an experiment on the

reaction of fleas. He had trained a flea to jump on

command.

 

The scientist would command the flea "Jump Flea!" and

the flea would jump.

 

Then the scientist would proceed to pull off one of the

fleas many legs with a pair of tweezers and write a

comment in his notebook about the distance the flea

would jump.

 

The scientist did this many times until the flea had

only one leg left. The scientist said "Jump Flea!" and

the flea made it's best effort to jump, which the

scientist recorded in his notebook.

 

After he pulled off its last leg, the scientist commanded

the flea to jump, and after repeating the command many

times without the flea responding, he jotted down in his

notebook:

 

"After the flea looses all of his legs it becomes

completely deaf."

 

 

In New Form

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert, had set up

their tent, and were fast asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger

woke his faithful friend.

 

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

 

Tonto pondered for a minute.

 

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of

galaxies and potentially billions of planets," he said, and paused.

 

"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo; time wise, it

appears to be approximately a quarter past three," Tonto continued.

 

"Theologically, it's evident that God is all powerful and we are

small and insignificant in the whole of things," he suggested.

 

"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow,"

Tonto concluded. 

 

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" Tonto asked politely.

 

The Lone Ranger was silent for a moment, then spoke:

 

"Well, Tonto, I was pointing out that someone has stolen our tent!"

 

 

Ground Rules (Classic)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the

students, pointing out some of the rules:

 

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all

male students, and the male dormitory to the female

students. 

 

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20

the  first time."

 

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the

second time will be fined $60."

 

And concluded with this stern fine, "Being caught a third

time will cost you a fine of $180.  Are there any questions?"

 

A male voice from within the crowd was heard asking:

"How much for a season pass?!"

 

Things Learned

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Things some people learn as they "mature."

 

 I've learned that you cannot make

 someone love you.  All you can do is

 stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

 

 I've learned that no matter how much I care,

 some people are just jerks.

 

 I've learned that it takes years

 to build up trust, and it only takes

 suspicion -- not proof -- to destroy it.

 

 I've learned that, without a good mind,

 you can get by on charm for about fifteen

 minutes.  After that, you'd better have

 a big weenie or huge boobs.

 

 I've learned that you shouldn't

 compare yourself to others - they are

 more screwed up than you think.

 

 I've learned that we are responsible

 for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

 

 I've learned that regardless of

 how hot and steamy a relationship is at

 first, the passion fades, and there had

 better be a lot of money to take its place.

 

 I've learned that sometimes the people you

 expect to kick you when you're down will.

 

 I've learned that we don't have to

 ditch bad friends, because their

 dysfunction makes us feel better about

 ourselves.

 

 I've learned that no matter how you try to

 protect your children, they will eventually

 get arrested and end up in the local paper.

 

 I've learned to say "F--- 'em if

 they can't take a joke" in 6 languages!

 

 

Before It Starts

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down

on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife,

"Get me a beer before it starts."

 

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

 

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before

it starts."

 

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down

next to him.

 

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick,

get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

 

The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're

going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?

You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

 

Keith sighs and says, "It's started..."

 

 

Leave Me Alone!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

WAYS TO GET RID OF PHONE SOLICITORS                  

 

Bizarre things to say and do to telephone solicitors

to get him to hang up and leave you alone:

 

- "So, what are you wearing?"

 

- Talk so quietly the can't hear you.

 

- "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. 

   The boss won't let us use it for business."

 

- "Have you heard about that study showing that it can

  cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone

  receiver next to your head?"

 

- When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment,"

  and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on

  the conversation.

 

- Pretend to be very interested in their product and then

  quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a

  six minute casserole?"

 

- "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house

  of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if I bought

  something now."

 

- "This isn't a recording.  Beep. 

   This isn't a recording.  Beep."

 

 

New Entertainment

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise,

won tickets to a football game.  Since they had never seen a live

football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an

excellent opportunity for doing so.

 

"I think so, too," said Mabel.  "Let's go!"

 

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a

large, grassy expanse.  They watched the kickoff and the seemingly

endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first

half.

 

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that

followed.  Then came the second half.  When the teams lined up for

the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

 

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said.  "This is where we

came in."

 

 

"Mom's Advice"

 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was

squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She

went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and

whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite

itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

 

He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He

did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at

the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him

sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

 

"I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed.

"I did," he replied, "And she told me that if I could just stick it

out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

 

Minsk Milk

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The only cow in a small town in Europe stopped giving milk. The

people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from

Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.

 

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and

very happy.

 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more

cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about their milk

supply again.

 

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move

away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move

away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very

wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever

the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from

the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front,

she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to

the other side."

 

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy

this cow from Minsk?"  The people were dumbfounded, since they had

never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.

 

"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

 

The rabbi replied with a longing look in his eyes,

"My wife is from Minsk."

 

 

Fast Flight

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and

Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the

Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

 

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said,

"and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

 

"Would you repeat that, please?"  Bob asked.

 

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a

reservation?"

 

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that

thing take off!"

 

 

Rx Convention

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men

in town for the pharmacists' convention.  "This is Dolores,"

she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening

starting with a relaxing soak in a hot tub."

 

"And this is Connie, available for $375.  She's rigged an

Oriental Swing in her room.  Now lovely Maria here," she

continued, "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex,

including bondage.  She's yours for the night for only $300."

 

"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she

can..."

 

"Just a minute," interrupted one of the druggists.  "Don't

you have any generic choices to fill the prescription?"

 

 

Outhouse Overhaul

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Maw is outside hangin' up the laundry, when she hears

Paw in the kitchen.

 

Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that

there outhouse."

 

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

 

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and says,

"Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

 

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

 

Paw says, "I ain't puttin' my head in that there hole!"

 

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna

fix the problem!" So Paw puts his head down in the hole

(just a little bit, mind ya) and then hollers, "Maw, there

ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

 

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

 

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! Ouch!

Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!"

 

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

 

 

Royal Duty

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight

attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.  He came

swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain

Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big, scary

plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays,

that would be super!"

 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a

muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines.  I

asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us

down on the ground."

 

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

princess. I take orders from no one!"

 

Without missing a beat, the flight attendant replied, "Well,

sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you.

Put the tray up, bitch!"

 

 

Fast Times

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A 7 year old boy, Kent, and his 4 year old brother, Jason,

were upstairs in their bedroom.  Kent explained that it was

high time that the two of them begin swearing so they would

have plenty of practice for when they got older.  Four year

old Jason agreed enthusiastically, taking the lead from his

older brother. 

 

"OK," the 7 year old said, "so when we go down stairs for

breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'

Jason agreed with an enthusiastic nod.

 

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast

table, their Mother walks in and asks her eldest son what he

would like to eat for breakfast.  The 7 year old replied, "Ah

hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios.  Thanks."

 

She was very shocked and screamed at Kent, "GO TO YOUR ROOM.

NO BREAKFAST FOR YOU!" Kent left very upset.  She turned to

Jason and asked, "And what do YOU want for breakfast this

morning, Jason?"

 

Upset about what had happened to Kent, he replied, "I don't

know, but you can bet your ass it's not Cheerios!"

 

 

At It Again

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnnie's next door neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents

invited Little Johnnie's family to come over and see their

new baby.

 

Little Johnnie's parents were very afraid their son would

have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little

Johnnie's dad had a long talk with Little Johnnie before

going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor

baby was born without any ears. We want you to be on your

best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm

really going to spank you when we get back home."

 

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little

Johnnie.

 

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnnie leaned over the

crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother

and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

 

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnnie."

 

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and

perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little

eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"

 

The Mother said, "Why, yes, his doctor said he has 20/20

vision."

 

Little Johnnie said, "Well, it's a darn good thing, cause

he sure can't wear glasses!"

 

 

Here's Trouble

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN...

 

 - Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

 

 - You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

 

 - Your suggestion box starts ticking.

 

 - Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2,

 and CBS is on line 3.

 

 - You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

 

 - You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life

 jacket.

 

 - They pay your wages out of petty cash.

 

 - You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and

 have less than you've    

ever had.

 

 - You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get

 your haircut.

 

 - Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation

 budget.

 

 - The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

 

 - A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

 

 - You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell

 your wife.

 

 - The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

 

 - Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

 

 - The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

 

 - The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

 

 

+ The Catholic Glossary +

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

 

BULLETIN:

1. Parish information read only during the homily.

2. Catholic air conditioning.

3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

 

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the

Congregation to lip-sync.

 

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher

than that of the congregation's range.

 

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more

quietly, since most of the people have already left.

 

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

 

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges

with good basketball teams.

 

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

 

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

 

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can

recognize besides gyros and baklava.

 

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

 

MANGER:

1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an

    HMO.

2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been

    rough.

 

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

 

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,

consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners

looking for seats.

 

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -

led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

 

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually

know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

 

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given

by David Letterman.

 

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating

capacity of a pew.

 

 

Change the Names

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

So one guy says to another guy, " Goldberg and Rosenstern

were talking one day... HOLD IT !, his friend interrupts him,

 

"Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they

always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to

another ethnic group for once!"

 

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one

day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

 

 

Points of Comparison

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Four ladies are having coffee together, discussing

how important their children are.

 

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.

When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a

bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ',

'Your Grace'."

 

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put

you down, but my son is a cardinal.  Whenever he walks into

a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

 

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The

first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"  She

replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied,

well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room,

people say, "My God...."

 

Latex Factory

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

 A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various

 latex products.  At the first stop, he's shown the machine

 that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a

 loud Hiss-Pop! noise.  "The hiss is the rubber being

 injected into the mold," explains the guide.  The popping

 sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

 

 Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where

 condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss,

 Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

 

 "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand

 what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

 

 "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple

 machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth

 condom."

 

 "Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.

 "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

 

 

Notes from Parents

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Actual excuse notes from parents (including original

spelling)

 

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.

today. Please execute him.

 

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had

her shot.

 

[Editor's note: the firing squad seems to be the preferred

solution to childhood ailments in Middle America].

 

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,

30, 31, 32, and also 33.

 

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

 

Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out

of tree and misplaced his hip.

 

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of

his face.

 

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.

He was hurt in the growing part.

 

Megan could not come to school today because she has been

bothered by very close veins.

 

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

 

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose

vowels.

 

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had

(diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.

 

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had

diarrhea and his boots leak.

 

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

 

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

 

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping

because I don't know what size she wear.

 

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We

forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we

found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

 

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to

attend her funeral.

 

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She

spent a weekend with the Marines.

 

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold

and could not breed well.

 

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed

with gramps.

 

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

 

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

 

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,

sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also

sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade

fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore

throat and fever. There must be something going around, her

father even got hot last night.

 

One evening, Ashdeep invited his mother over for dinner. 

 

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice

how pretty Ashdeep's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a

relationship between the two, and this had only made her more

curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two

interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ashdeep

and his flatmate than met the eye. 

 

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ashdeep volunteered, "I know what you

must be thinking, but I assure you, Jeeti and I are just flatmates."

 

About a week later, Jeeti came to Ashdeep saying, "Ever since your

mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver

chutney jar.  You don't suppose she took it, do  you?" 

 

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter, just to be sure."

 

So he sat down and wrote:

 

Dear Mother,

 

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, and

I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact

remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

 

Love,

Ashdeep

 

Several days later, Ashdeep received an letter back from his Mother

which read:

 

Dear Son,

 

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jeeti, and I'm not saying

that you 'do not' sleep with Jeeti. But the fact remains that if she

was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the chutney jar

by now.

 

Love,

Mom

 

Red Faced Dining

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

My daughter works as a hostess at a busy family-type

restaurant.  She manages the hostess stand and keeps the

waiting list.  A few days ago an Oriental couple came in and

their name was placed on the waiting list.

 

When their table was ready, my distracted daughter was in a hurry. 

 

Instead of her usual address of, "Are you Mr. So and So,"

she blurted out to the man of the two party couple, "Are you Hung?" 

 

As you can imagine, her co-workers enjoyed that evening!

 

Computed Gender

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of

gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes

at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes

were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her

hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

 

The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups:

males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a

computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to

give four reasons for their recommendations.

 

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as

masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the

time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited

a little longer, you could have had a better model.

 

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely

be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers

is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for

later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

 

 

Under Pressure

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot

of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

 

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

 

Patient: "I just did, you moron!"

 

 

Selective Hearing

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

What a woman says:

 

This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes

to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

 

What a man hears:

 

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah,

NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!

 

 

Love is in the Air

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the

countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a

hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a

field.

 

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young

love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!"

and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he

drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze  woman - she is

dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell

Albert, the police chief.

 

He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,

"Albert...Albert, zere is zis man zis woman ...naked in farmer

Gaston's field, making love."  The police chief smiled and said,

"Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young

love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... Ah, L'amour! Zis is

okay." 

 

"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!"

Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the

station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field,

confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call

the doctor:

 

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert.  I was in Gaston's field.  Zere

is a young couple naked 'aving sex "

 

Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science.  You must remember,

it is spring, ze air, ze flowers.  Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."

 

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not

understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"   Hearing this, Pierre shouted,

"Mon dieu!" grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer,

stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a

madman down to Gaston's field. 

 

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove

back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got

there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and

said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry.  Ze woman, she is not dead.  She

is English."

 

                 . .    . .

                .     .    .

           >>>----------------->    Love, Dawn

                 .        .

                   .    .

                      .

 

 

Greatest Hit

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely

dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, "Man, you look real

down.  Wanna talk about it?  Sometimes it helps."

 

"Well, I doubt it," replied the man. "You see, I'm a composer who

hasn't had much luck.  It seems the world is really against me.

Recently I wrote the best song I've ever written, but I cant get any

music publishers interested, and I've been to them all."

 

The bartender suggested, "Well' let's hear it. Try it out on the

crowd."

 

The man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so

incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet

except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps

appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music

penetrates the very soul of all those present.

 

When he finishes playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the

bartender remarked, "I cant believe you can't get that published! That

has to be the most beautiful piece of music I've ever heard. What's it

called, anyway?"

 

"I call it 'I Love You So Much That I Just Know You'll Cheat On Me,

You Witch!'" the musician replied.

 

 

Bread Is Dangerous

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Science Announcement: Bread Is Dangerous

 

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

 

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming

households score below average on standardized tests.

 

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the

home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant

mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in

childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and

influenza ravaged whole nations.

 

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24

hours of eating bread.

 

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread

and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two

days.

 

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"

items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

 

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body

is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead

to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning

you into a soggy, gooey , bread-pudding person.

 

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

 

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit!

That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

 

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish

between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical

babbling.

 

Burial Blues

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his

neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the

rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Tim?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking

up, "and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole

for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"

 

 

Money

-=-=-=-=-

 

It can buy a House

But not a Home

 

It can buy a Bed

But not Sleep

 

It can buy a Clock

But not Time

 

It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge

 

It can buy you a Position

But not Respect

 

It can buy you Medicine

But not Health

 

It can buy you Blood

But not Life

 

It can buy you Sex

But not Love

 

So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

 

I tell you all this because I am your Friend.

 

I am your Friend,

 

And as your Friend,

I want to take away your pain and suffering...

 

So send me all your money

and I will suffer for you.

 

CASH ONLY, PLEASE!

 

To the Source

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

These are actual letters written by children to God.

(Or so goes the Internet rumor!  Smiles.)  Enjoy!

 

Dear God,

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father

mad! He said some things about you that people are not

supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.

Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

 

Dear God,

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw

the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

Eugene

 

Dear God,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Norma

 

Dear God,

Instead of letting people die and having to make

new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

Jane

 

Dear God,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Nan

 

Dear God,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in

church. Is that okay?

Neil

 

Dear God,

Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed

for was a puppy.

Joyce

 

Dear God,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything

before. You can look it up.

Bruce

 

Dear God,

If we come back as something, please don't let me

be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.

Denise

 

Dear God,

I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but

not with so much hair all over.

Sam

 

Dear God,

I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not

praying.

Elliott

 

Dear God,

I bet it is very hard for you to love all the

people in the world. There are only four people in

our family and I can never do it.

Nan

 

Dear God,

Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

Rob

 

Dear God,

My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't

sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?

Marsha

 

Dear God,

If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

Mickey

 

Dear God,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school,

we learned that you did it.  So I bet he stole your idea.

Sincerely,

Donna

 

Dear God,

I do not think anybody could be better God. Well, I just want you

to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.

Charles

 

Dear God,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much

if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Steven

 

 

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in

London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the

steak you might not get one as there is a shortage."

 

The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian said, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

 

 

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate

road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing

red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can

catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up

further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the

lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and

examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is

my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you

can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard

before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I

was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

 

 

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are

perfect."

 

 

Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You

should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living

hell.

 

 

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma

for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his

bedside day and night.  One night, Jake comes to and motions

for her to come closer.  He says, "My Sadie, you have been

with me through all the bad times.  When I got fired, you

were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were

there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the

house, you gave me support. When my health started failing,

you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

 

 

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an

obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This

is what I want to print:  Bernie is dead." 

      The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are

allowed to print six words."

      The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead.

Toyota for sale."

 

 

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a

strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What

do you think about all this Satan stuff?"  

 

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned

out. It's probably just your dad."

 

 

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. And inside of a dog,

it's too dark to read."

 

 

Why Beers Are Better Than Women

 

1. You always know if you are the first one to open a beer.

2. A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.

3. A beer never gets angry if you arrive smelling of beer.

4. The colder a beer, the better.

5. You can always share a beer with your friends.

6. A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.

7. You can choose a beer from a box, and if you change your

mind, you can pick another one.

 

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

 

 

One morning a girl, called her friend and said, "Please come

over and help me, I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I

can't figure out how to start it".

 

The friend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"

 

The girl said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

 

The friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles so she

heads on over the girl's house.

 

The girl lets her friend in the door and shows her where she

has the puzzle spread all over the table. The friend studies

the pieces for a moment, then studies the box, and then she

looks at the pieces again for a bit. The friend then turns to

the girl and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going

to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look

like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to

relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes

back in the box."

 

 

hings You Should Know About Women Part I:

 

Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where

they feel like they're actually in control.

 

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is

irrelevant; so don't bother pointing  it out. Anything on

sale is fair game.

 

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks

of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

 

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they

know you can hear them.

 

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in

an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 

 

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a

need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

 

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they

are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are

so successful.

 

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man

around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

 

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the

inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy,

providing they only tell two or three people.

 

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them

a chance to gossip.

 

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what

she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

 

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that

they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

 

Women think all beer is the same.

 

Women keep three different shampoos and two different

conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the

bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

 

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek

entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek

entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could

be. 

 

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth

of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes

on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she

doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

 

Women brush their hair before bed.

 

Women are paid less than men, except for one 

field: Modeling.

 

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's

responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it

that gave Adam the apple?

 

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil

doesn't stick?'

 

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red

carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 

 

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is

437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women

aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

 

Things You Should Know About Women Part II:

 

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can 

visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon 

returning home, she will call the same friend and 

they will talk for three hours.

 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water 

the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, 

read a book, or get the mail. 

 

Women will drive miles out of their way to 

avoid the possibility of getting lost using a 

shortcut.

 

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the 

question, 'How do I look?'

 

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter

(or at least men think it means that). PMS also 

stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My 

Spouse.

 

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

 

Women will make three right-hand turns to 

avoid making one left-hand turn. 

 

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different 

meaning in woman-language than it does in man-

language.

 

Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on 

women.

 

Women cannot use a map without turning the map 

to correspond to the direction that they are 

heading.

 

All women are overweight by definition; don't 

agree with them about it. Women always have 5 

pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless 

they really have 5 pounds to gain.

 

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man 

in a flower shop, you can probably start up a 

conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

 

Only women understand the reason for 'guest 

towels' and the 'good china'.

 

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear 

them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover 

the responsibilities that go with those rights. 

All women seek equality with men until it comes to 

sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and 

picking up the check.

 

If a man ticks off a woman she will often 

respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which 

warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the 

lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by 

the guys (which gets them in More trouble).

 

Women never check to see if the lid is up. 

They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap 

towards the bowl and then chewing men out because 

they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two 

seconds and lowering it themselves.

 

Women can get out of speeding tickets by 

pouting. This will get men arrested.

 

Women don't really care about a sense of humor 

in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't 

see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to 

Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

 

It's okay for women to dance with each other, but

you don't see men dancing together.

 

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, 

and then they'll go out and spend more time 

checking out other women. Men can never catch 

women checking out other men; women will always 

catch men checking out other women.

 

The most embarrassing thing for women is to 

find another woman wearing the same dress at a 

formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my GOD, there's

another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!'

 

 

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

 

 

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same

day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their

maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal

speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had

been said among the participants. 

 

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son,

do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes

sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the

Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the

warden. 

 

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you,

son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the

condemned man, "kill me first." 

 

 

"Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a

pig."

 

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

 

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed

cold cream on her face.

 

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. 

 

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began

removing the cream with a tissue. 

 

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

 

 

 

A man ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late

for the garbage?" 

 

The driver replied, "No, jump in!"

 

 

 

Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they

are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick

says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at

least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the

day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th

hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the

rough on the 9th.

 

"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost

ball carries a four-point penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his

pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he

announces triumphantly.

 

Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been

friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

 

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

 

"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you

know I've been standing on your ball for the last five

minutes!"

 

 

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me? Could you give out a

few of your loudest, most painful screams?" 

 

Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."

 

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right

now and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."

 

 

Milo passed away and Bud called 911. The 911 operator told

Bud that she would send someone out right away. 

 

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

 

Bud replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."

 

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

 

There was a long pause and finally Bud said, "How 'bout if I

drag 'er over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

 

 

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle

and a vacuum cleaner? You can fit two dirt bags on a Harley!

 

 

 

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his

clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the

bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

 

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that

terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

 

"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted

thing?" the manager asked.

 

"That's the one!"

 

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get

rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit

we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

 

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his

guide dog bit me."

 

 

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

 

 

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The

interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell

us your age, please?"

 

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute

before replying. "Um ... 22."

 

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break

the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

 

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from

her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and

extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the

measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

 

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real

basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or

lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

 

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen

seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before

replying, "Jenny!"

 

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he

asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

 

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through

that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday dear...'"

 

 

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a

round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his

wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming

around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones

home. 

 

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. 

 

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

 

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

 

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle

Fred, honey!" 

 

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" 

 

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,

run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to

Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside

the house." 

 

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes

back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." 

 

"And what happened?"

 

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then

she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and

now she's all dead." 

 

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" 

 

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he

jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he

must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to

clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now

he's dead too." 

 

There is a long pause. 

 

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

 

 

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his

parents, "How was I born?"

 

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork

brought you to us."

 

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?"

he asked.

 

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

 

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

 

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent,

by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

 

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the

teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write because there

hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three

generations."

 

 

Magic Show

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Billy asked his mother, "Can I go over to Little

Johnnie's house and watch the magic show?"

 

Billy's mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?"

 

He answered, "The one Johnny's mom performs... 

I heard her tell Miss Figpot that she got $600 for doing

six tricks last night.  That must be some kind of show!"

 

 

Card Shoppin'

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Did you hear what Little Johnnie has been up to lately?

 

The day before Valentine's Day, it turns out he was in looking around

in the greeting card section at the local upscale variety store. 

Yes, I was surprised too...  Just think, our Little Johnnie gettin' a

sweet little card for his little sweetie. 

 

(*sniff*)  Someone hand me a tissue...

 

Well, anyway, Johnnie had been there for a few moments, overwhelmed

by the vast selection and perhaps showed some sign of frustration.

 

Just then, a clerk approached him and asked, "Just what is it you're

looking for, young man? A Valentine's Day card for a special young

lady?  Perhaps one of our unique birthday greetings, or even a

congratulatory card for one of your parents?" the zealous man asked.

 

By this time Johnnie had a rather glazed look in his eyes.

Refocusing, Johnnie said, "Look, mister, I don't need any of that

sissy stuff!  But ya got any that look like a blank report card?"

 

 

Job Descriptions

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and

is now growing in the middle.

 

A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.

 

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun

is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

 

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the

things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

 

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks

the personality to be an accountant.

 

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,

because that decreases the chances that there will be another

bomb on the plane.

 

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't

know you had in a way you don't understand.

 

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a

black cat that isn't there.

 

A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference

between a coffee cup and doughnut.

 

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document

and calls it a "brief."

 

A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when

a beautiful girl enters the room.

 

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

 

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist

and tells you the time.

 

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

 

 

What Stress?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR STRESS REDUCTION

 

I.   Thou shalt not be perfect, or even try to be.

 

II.  Thou shalt not try to be all things to all people.

 

III. Thou shalt sometimes leave things undone.

 

IV.  Thou shalt not spread thyself too thin.

 

V.   Thou shalt learn to say "no".

 

VI.  Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and for thy support

network.

 

VII. Thou shalt switch thyself off, and do nothing regularly.

 

VIII. Thou shalt not even feel guilty for doing nothing, or

saying no.

 

IX. Thou shalt be boring, untidy, inelegant, and unattractive

at times.

 

X. Especially, thou shalt not be thine own worst enemy.  But,

be thine own best friend.

 

 

Mommy, My Turtle

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

 "Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Bobby, sorrowfully

told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

 

The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right.

We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a

nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an

ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet.  I don't want you...." Her

voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Bobby, your turtle

is not dead after all."

 

"Oh," the disappointed boy, wanting ice cream and a new pet, said.

"Can I kill it?"

 

 

Discoveries

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A couple had decided to take a week-long getaway at a nude

beach resort.  At the last minute, they found out they would have to

take their son with them.  They decided that, since Johnny was only 4

years old, seeing all the naked people would not bother him.

 

The first day, Johnny ran up to his father and asked, "Daddy, why do

some women have really big chests, but some women have really tiny

chests?"

 

His father told him, "Son, that's because the women with the

tiny chests are really smart, but the women with the big chests

are really dumb."

 

Johnny thought this sounded okay, and ran off to play.  The

next day, he asked his mother, "Mommy, why do some men have

really big penises, but some men have really tiny penises?"

 

His mother said, "That's because the men with the tiny penises are

really smart, but the men with big penises are really dumb!"

 

So Johnny ran off to play again. 

 

The next day, Johnny ran up to his mother, screaming and

yelling!  "Mommy, mommy!  Is being dumb contagious?"

 

"No," his mother said, "Why?"

 

"Because Daddy's over there talking to some dumb girl, and

he's getting dumber and dumber the whole time!"

 

 

Gift of Freedom?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know

what to get my wife for her birthday.  She has everything,

and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm

stumped."

 

His buddy said, "I have an idea.  Why don't you make up a

certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any

way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

 

So the fellow did.

 

The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my

suggestion?"

 

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

 

"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.

 

"Oh yes!  She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the

forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an

hour!"  She should be back any time now...

 

 

Doctor Stories

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Doctor Stories:  Truth Defeats Fiction

 

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have

her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the

cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the

wrong one.

 

*********************************************************

 

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an

elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest

wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"

remorsed the patient.

 

********************************************************

 

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity

test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,

"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line

perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I

requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on

the top line. I turned and discovered that  he had done exactly what

I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was

laughing too hard to finish the exam.

 

*********************************************************

 

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with

one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch.

The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm

running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress

and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over

fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.

 

******************************************************

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How

long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she

answered.... ...."Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was

alive."

 

*******************************************************

 

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your

breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I

then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

labeled "KY Jelly."

 

 

 

A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play

football. At the end of the season, he returned

home. As luck would have it, he ran into his

Rabbi at the airport.

 

The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert

you at South Bend?"

 

The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"

 

 

Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in

the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until

the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

 

"Mrs. Bradley, I couldn't help but notice that you put

$1,000 a week in the donation box," he stated.

 

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me

money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

 

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

 

"Oh, $2,000 a week."

 

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a

living?"

 

"I believe he is a veterinarian," she answered.

 

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he

practice?"

 

"Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another

in Dallas..."

 

 

Six months after Morris the waiter died, his widow went

to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead

man.

 

During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband

standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.

 

"Morris !" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"

 

A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's

not my table."

 

~~

 

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal

Psychic Advisor tells him:

 

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will

want to know everything about you."

 

The frog is thrilled. "This is great! Will I meet her

at a party?"

 

"Nope," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

 

 

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer

you live.

 

 

"It doesn't hurt to be optimistic. You can always cry

later."

 

 

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.

 

His business was failing, he owed everybody - it was so

bad he was even contemplating suicide.

 

As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his

story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest

said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair

and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.

Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge,

sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your

lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but

finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look

down at the page and read the first thing you see. That

will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

 

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and

brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a

new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the

children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope

stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the

priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

 

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious.

"You did as I suggested?" he asked.

 

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

 

"You went to the beach?"

 

"Absolutely."

 

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

 

"Absolutely."

 

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

 

"Absolutely."

 

"And what were the first words you saw?"

 

"Chapter 11."

 

 

Freewill

-=-=-=-=-

 

On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming

from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted.  Upon

arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor."  He said, "I'm so

glad you're here!  I've been alone on this island for more than three

years!"

 

The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts."

 

The survivor said, "Oh.  We'll, I live in one, and go to church in

another."

 

"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.

 

"That's where I USED to go to church."

 

Foursome Four

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A foursome of very senior golfers hit the course with waning

enthusiasm for the sport. . .

 

"These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer," said one

of the foursome.

 

"And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by," another

of the old men complained.

 

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too,"

said the third senior.

 

After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest

of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my

friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"

 

 

Husband 1.0

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

You saw the installation for girlfriend and wife upgrade.

Here is the other one now...

 

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed

that the new program began making unexpected changes to the

accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry

applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,

such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL

5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning

2.6 simply crashes the system.

 

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no

avail.

 

Signed: Desperate Wife (keep reading)

 

 -----Reply-----

 

Dear Desperate Wife,

 

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while

Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

 

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install

Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the

applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

 

But remember, over use can cause Husband 1.0 to default to

GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad

program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

 

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend

program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband

1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

 

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.

 

 

 

Fair Play

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a

calf that was crossing the road.  The driver went to

the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.

He then asked what the animal was worth.

 

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.  "But in

six years it would have been worth $900.  So $900 is

what I'm out."

 

The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed

it to the farmer.

 

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900.  It's

post-dated six years from now."

 

 

Service Lesson #1

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer,

this one is for you. An award should go to the United Airlines gate

agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when

confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as baggage.

 

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single ticket agent was

rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an

angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket

down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has

to be FIRST CLASS."

 

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help

you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be

able to\ work something out."

 

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the

passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

 

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public

address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she

began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.  "We have a

passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. 

If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man

glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir,

but you'll have to stand in line for that, too!"

 

 

Mr. Gorsky

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil

Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first

words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man,

one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by

millions.

 

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic

remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was

a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon

checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American

space programs.

 

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good

luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

 

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions

following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question

to Armstrong.

 

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil

Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

 

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing

baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball,

which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.

 

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up

the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on

the moon!"

 

 

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an

important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic

probation and not allowed to play in the big game the

following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last

question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped

-- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to

get this one right to be sure he passed. 

 

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in

the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" 

Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor

hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're

so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM." 

"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No.

2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then

he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered,

"Tiny, how do you spell farm?" 

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny,

"farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."

 

 

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents?"

"They're busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The police."

"Can I speak to them?"

"They're busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The firemen."

"Can I speak to them?"

"They're busy."

"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and

the firemen are there, but they're all busy?  What are they

doing?"

"Looking for me."

 

 

"Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your

pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors."

 

 

 

What do the men in a singles bar have in common?

 

They're all married.

 

 

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After

being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what

happened.

 

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to

the incident he finally got around to the meat of the

case: "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

 

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious

injury?" said the lawyer.

 

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the

leaf from the center of our dining room table!"

 

~~

 

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate

their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new

mink coat?" he asks.

 

"Not really," says Mary.

 

"Well how about a new sports car?" says John.

 

"No," she responds.

 

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he

suggests.

 

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

 

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" John

asks.

 

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

 

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

 

 

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his

chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud

rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the

general consensus was that the best rooster was from a

far away town. His name was Randy.

 

The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's

owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best,

but would come at an expensive price. After much

deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

 

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and

explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense

he went through to obtain Randy. He told him that while he

expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace

himself.

 

The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went

wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every

hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the

necessity of pace.

 

The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen

house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a

fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was

outraged.

 

"Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace.

Slow down, I need you for a long time."

 

Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was

lying in the field looking like death was soon coming.

Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer.

The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He

dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you? I

asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you

were."

 

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said, "Shhhh. They're

getting closer..."

 

 

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

 

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building

you are visiting.

 

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended

from duty.

 

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you

bump into will know all the steps.

 

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the

communication systems of any invading alien civilization

 

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight

involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to

attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening

manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

 

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,

they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

 

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,

volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

 

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to

make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is

their total opposite.

 

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English

to each other.

 

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in

seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a

child trapped inside.

 

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will

cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

 

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that

affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the

television on.

 

 

ne day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it

up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared. "I'll grant

you your fondest wish," the genie said. 

 

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a

spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or

has ever attempted to do." 

 

"Done!" said the genie. "You're a housewife." (POOF).

 

 

A cop pulls over a guy. 

 

"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?" 

 

"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed --

have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

 

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources

person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a

salary he was looking for.

    "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the

benefits package."

   "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks

vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company

matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car

leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

   "Wow! Are you kidding?"

   "Yeah, but you started it."

 

 

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

 

 

Be careful that you type in the right address when you send

an email. Who knows what might happen:

 

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to

Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop

into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to

his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address,

[email protected].

 

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the

email ended up going to [email protected], a Jean

Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a priest who had just passed

away and was buried that day. The priest's wife took one look

at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

 

It read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

 

 

"Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose

the one that will get you home by nine o'clock."

 

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than

an ambulance!

 

 

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend

with him.

 

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts

eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them

off.

 

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,

"Thanks for the peanuts."

 

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the

chocolate off them."

 

 

Rules For Work:

 

1.  Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00

and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is

refreshing.

 

2.  If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every

10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even

better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

 

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. 

It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where

you are.

 

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,

don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function

as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good

training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of

my limbs.

 

5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me

which is priority. I am psychic.

 

6.  Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and

really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life

beyond work.

 

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets

out, it could mean a promotion.

 

8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name

to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

 

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write

them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. 

No use confusing me with useful information.

 

10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no

right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am

plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions

will identify them.

 

11.  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could

really change your life and send you straight to manager's

hell.

 

12.  Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any

and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially

like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus

check you received for being such a good manager.

 

13.  Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my

goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating

with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money

anyway.

 

 

Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers,

large fries and a diet soda!

 

 

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender

finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to

leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more

time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get

some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

 

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he

decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at

the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He

crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he

reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time

he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right

into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the

pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over

him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent

look.

 

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

 

 

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol

on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she

snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come

waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

 

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

 

 

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama.

They were so confident going into the final that two days

before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee

and party with some friends. They had a great time. However,

they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the

morning of the exam.

 

Rather than take the final, they found their professor

afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him

that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the

weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but

that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a

spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were

late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this

over and told them they could make up the final on the

following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that

night and went in the next day for the final. The professor

placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test

booklet and told them to begin. 

 

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points.

It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going

to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).

 

 

One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out,

"My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please,

anyone! Help!"

 

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was

quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with

almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's

gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then

went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

 

"Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?" 

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

 

 

"Nature never makes any blunders; when she makes a fool she means it."

 

 

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong

evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the

defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his

client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you

all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one

minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into

this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The

jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute

passed. Nothing happened.

 

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous

statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I

therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this

case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you

return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,

retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned

and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

 

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some

doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

 

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client

didn't."

 

 

There once was a stupid man who was convicted of murder.

Before the man was sentenced, the judge asked him if he had

any final words. 

 

He says, "Judge, I would rather die than be sent to the

electric chair.

 

 

Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing

about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for

help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is

drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a

hundred dollars."

 

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes,

he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back

to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the

fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

 

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third

time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-

law."

 

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my

luck. How much do I owe you?"

 

 

Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong

turns. When I finally found the right road, I asked my

husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" 

 

"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You

always know where you're going when I'm driving."

 

 

The Pessimist

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.  His search

ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to

retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends

would ever believe him. 

 

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist

by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. 

 

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.  they fired,

and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The

dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to

retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. 

 

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. 

 

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice

anything unusual about my new dog?" 

 

"I sure did," responded his friend.  "He can't swim." 

 

 

To the Source

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, "Chief, is this coming

Winter going to be mild or cold?"

 

Not really knowing an answer, and knowing it was better to err on

the side of preparedness, the chief replied, "It is uncertain at this

time, but we should begin to prepare just in case.  Collect wood as

if it is going to be cold, and I'll see what more I can learn."

 

Being a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the

National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be

mild or cold?"

 

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite

cold indeed."

 

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more

wood to be prepared. A week later, he again called the National

Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a cold winter?"

 

"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be an extremely cold

Winter.  The Indians are collecting all the wood they can find!"

 

 

Influence

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnnie is bored out of his mind one day, bothering his mother

with never ending questions and following her around.  Finally she

says to him, "Johnnie, why don't you go next door to the house they

are building and see what you can learn over there." 

 

So Johnnie goes next door and comes back in about an hour.  His

mother asks what he learned.  Johnnie says, "Well, you take the

fucking 2x4 and bang it up real good.  Then if the piece of shit

doesn't line up, you bang it up a cunt hair until it's square..." 

 

His mother says in horror, "Go to your room and wait for your father

to come home.  In the meantime, give some serious thought to your

behavior, young man!" 

 

Johnnie's father comes home sometime later and his mother asks

Johnnie to tell him what he said earlier.  Johnnie says, "Well, you

take the 2x4...."

 

His father looks at him in horror as he repeats what he said earlier

with no shame whatsoever  "Boy, go out to the tree in the back yard

and prepare a switch.  I'm going to give you a good whipping for

this behavior.

 

Johnnie says, "Fuck the switch. That's the electricians job!"

 

 

In Flight Emergency

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land.

600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please

instruct!"

 

Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after

me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"

 

 

Polish Sausage

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish

sausage."

 

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

 

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you:

if I  had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was

German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

Huh?  Would ya??"

 

The clerk says "Well, no..."

 

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright

then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for

Polish sausage?"

 

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

 

 

 

All New Words

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any

word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing

one letter, and supply a  new definition.  Here are some recent

winners:

 

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader

who doesn't get it.

 

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

 

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of

obtaining sex.

 

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

 

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really

bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like,

a serious bummer.

 

Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when

they come at you rapidly.

 

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts

until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

 

 

Speaking Turns

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There is an ancient rule among certain tribes in Africa that I think

we should apply to modern politics.

 

The rule is that when a man rises to speak he must stand on one foot

while delivering his speech. The moment his other foot touches the

ground, the speech ends - or the speaker is forcibly silenced.

 

 

Change of Approach

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the

other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I

go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off

before I get to the driveway.

 

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off

before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in

the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells

at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the

wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up

the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her

on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'  She always acts like

she's sound asleep!"

 

 

Social Scale

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

In the bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a farmer were  standing

side-by-side using the urinal.

 

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally

scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used  about 20

paper towels before he finished.  He turned to the other two men

and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be

sanitary."

 

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his

fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from

the university of Texas with a Law degree and they taught us to be

environmentally conscious."

 

The farmer zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I

graduated from the University of Minnesota.  They taught us not

to pee on our hands."

 

 

I Can Take It...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all

the things around the house that he used to do.  When

the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can

take it.  Tell me in plain English...  What's wrong with me?"

 

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're simply a lazy

old fart."

 

"Thank you for your candor," said the man.

"Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!"

 

 

Coincidence

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital

waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

 

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,

"Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."

 

"What a coincidence," the man said with some obvious

pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

 

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the

second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

 

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence," he

answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies

at work will never let me live this one down.

 

An hour later, while the other two men were passing

cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn

to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner.  She

announced that his wife had just given birth to

quadruplets.

 

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me!

Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally

regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it,

I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

 

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to

the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the

floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some

time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

 

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him

whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over

again.

 

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."

 

 

Birthday Wish

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

 

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

 

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and

off they went to a theme park.

 

He put her on every ride in the park --the Death Slide, The Screaming

Loop, the Wall of Fear.  Everything there was, she had a go.

 

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head

reeling and her stomach upside down.

 

Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with

extra fries and a strawberry shake.

 

Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola

and sweets.

 

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

 

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like

being ten again?"

 

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

 

 

Trivial Pursuit

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it

pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(OMG!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig!)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(I'm still not over the pig thing...)

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it

starves to death. (Creepy!)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to

its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the.....")

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life.)

 

Butterflies taste their own feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

 

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

 

Polar bears are left handed.

(Who knew...? Who cares!)

 

Humans, pygmy chimpanzees and dolphins are the only species

that have sex for pleasure.

(What about the pig?)

 

 

North & South

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale

and a southern fairy tale?

 

A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..."

 

A southern fairy tale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

 

 

Hot & Cold

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of

Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that

the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the

pleasure of enjoying it as well.

 

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives

off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,

(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or

some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time.

So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and

the rate at which they are leaving.

 

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it

will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many

souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that

exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you

are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there

are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong

to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of

souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

 

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because

Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in

Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are

added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase

of  souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until

Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my

Freshman year-- "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep

with you."-- and take into account the fact that I still have not

succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be

true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not

freeze."

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN

 

 

Something Fishy

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone

was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down

dinner, one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man

sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food, so

busy staring.

 

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair

in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried

his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

 

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went

quiet for her response.

 

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a

fish!"

 

 

Anagram Delivery

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by

transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or  phrase.

The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either

has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

 

(Wait till you see the last one!)

 

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

 

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

 

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

 

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash lost in 'em

 

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

 

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

 

Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

 

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot

in Place

 

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

 

And for the grand finale:

 

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each

letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 

 

Planning Ahead

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly

smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up

the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed.

 

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,

and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping

the railing with both hands.

 

With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the

kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven: there, spreads out upon newspapers on the kitchen

table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his

devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,

landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

 

His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost

in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and

withered hand, shakily, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the

table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

 

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

 

 

Fast Lesson

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A friend was lecturing in Latin America.  He was going to use a

translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his

talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." 

 

He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not

know the Spanish words for "ladies and gentlemen."  Being rather

resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms

were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two

words.

 

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said

in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  The audience was

shocked.  The people seemed stunned. 

 

He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't

heard him or understood him.  So he decided to repeat it.  Again in

Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

 

One person in the audience began to snicker.  Pretty soon the entire

audience was laughing.  Finally, someone told him that he had said,

"Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

 

Doctor's Orders

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to

see his doctor.

 

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by

startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

 

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a

starter pistol.  Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

 

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,

naked!  So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her.

When he prematurely reached that moment, he cranked off a few shots

with his new starter pistol.

 

The next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results.

He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my

wife screamed, I fell off the bed, and my neighbor came out of the

closet with his hands in the air!

 

 

New by NBC

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

 

Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids

each, for 6 weeks.  Each kid plays two sports AND takes

music, dance or lessons on both.

 

There is no access to fast food.

 

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned

house clean, correct all homework, complete science

projects, cook, do laundry, and take care of a pet cat and

dog.

 

The men only have access to television when the kids are

asleep and all chores are done:  There is only one TV

between them and there is no remote.

 

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily,

which they must apply themselves either while driving or

while making four lunches.

 

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their

sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six

toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to

eat a serving of peas.

 

The kids vote them off based on performance.

 

The winner gets to go back to his job.

 

 

Humble Client.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A letter we should all send our bank manager.

 

This is an actual letter (allegedly) sent to a bank in the US.

The bank thought it was amusing enough to publish it in the

New York Times.

 

 

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I

endeavored to  pay my plumber last month. By my calculations

some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting

the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed

to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly

deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has

only been in place for eight years.

 

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way

of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My

thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.

 

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more

will our relationship be lighted by these unpleasant incidents,

for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model

the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.

 

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be

excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised

about the following:

 

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your

telephone  calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am

confronted by the  impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,

faceless entity which your bank has  become. From now on I,

like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood  person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,

no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by

cheque, addressed  personally and confidentially to an employee

of your branch, whom you must  nominate.

 

You will be aware that it is an offense under the postal Act

for any other  person to open such an envelope.

 

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I

require your  chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs

to eight pages, but in order  that I know as much about him or

her as your bank knows about me, there is no  alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must

be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the

mandatory details of  his/her financial situation (income,

debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by

documented proof.

 

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number

which he/she must  quote in all dealings with me. I regret that

it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled

it on the number of button presses required  to access   my

account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,

imitation is the sincerest  form of flattery.

 

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you

to my new  telephone system, which you will notice, is very

much like yours.

 

My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I

will have any  dealings, may call me at any time and will be

answered by an automated voice.  By pressing Buttons on the

phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive  set of

menus:

 

01. To make an appointment to see me.

 

02. To query a missing repayment.

 

03. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

 

04. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;

Extension of  living room to be communicated at the time the

call is received.

 

05. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;

Extension of  bedroom to be communicated at the time the call

is received.

 

06. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to

nature;  Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the

call is received.

 

07. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at

home.

 

08. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a

password to  access my computer is required. Password will be

communicated at a later date  to the contact.

 

09. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options

1 through to 8

 

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of

my automated  answering service. While this may on occasion

involve a lengthy wait,  uplifting music will play for the

duration. This month I've chosen a refrain  from The Best Of

Woody Guthrie:

 

           "Oh, the banks are made of marble

                 With a guard at every door

          And the vaults are filled with silver

               That the miners sweated for"

 

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably

know it off by heart.

 

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your

bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater

efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been

quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing

some costs back.

 

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.

This I will  read for a fee of $20/page. Enquiries from your

nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time

spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example,

in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be

passed back to you.

 

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody

Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would be well advised to

keep your enquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but

again following your example, I must also levy an establishment

fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

 

Mr. X,

Your humble client.

 

 

Inside Information

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

 

"Yes.  What do you want?"

 

"I have good inside information and I'm calling to report about

my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!  He's selling drugs and he hides

the cocaine inside the logs in his firewood pile."

 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

 

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes,

they bust open every piece of wood, but find no cocaine. They

curse and swear at Billy Bob and leave.  The phone rings at Billy

Bob's house.

 

"Hey, Billy Bob!  Did the FBI come?"

 

"Yeah!"

 

"Did they chop your firewood?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Happy Birthday, old buddy!"

 

 

Science of the Mind

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class;"Who can tell

me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size

when stimulated?"

 

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his

way. "Mary, can you tell me?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously.

 

"Sir, how dare you ask me such a question?" she says. "I'm going to

complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will

have you fired!"

 

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks

the class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand.

 

"Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

 

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." 

 

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and

says, "Mary, I have 3 things to say to you. First, it's clear that

you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And

third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

 

 

Client Survey

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas

website, by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor.

The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor, and made

the web department take it down immediately

 

---

 

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.

 

In order to protect your new investment; please take a few moments

to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the

survey questions is not required, but the information will help us

to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

 

1.   [_] Mr.

      [_] Mrs.

      [_] Ms.

      [_] Miss

      [_] Lt.

      [_] Gen.

      [_] Comrade

      [_] Classified

      [_] Other

 

First Name: .....................................................

Initial: ........

Last Name......................................................

Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)

Code Name:......................................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

 

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

 

       [_] F-14 Tomcat

       [_] F-15 Eagle

       [_] F-16 Falcon

       [_] F-117A Stealth

       [_] Classified

 

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......

 

4. Serial Number: ...............................................

 

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

 

      [_] Received as gift / aid package

      [_] Catalogue / showroom

      [_] Independent arms broker

      [_] Mail order

      [_] Discount store

      [_] Government surplus

      [_] Classified

 

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell

Douglas product you have just purchased:

 

      [_] Heard loud noise, looked up

      [_] Store display

      [_] Espionage

      [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

      [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

      [_] Was attacked by one

 

7. Please indicate the three- (3) factors that most influenced

your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

 

      [_] Style / appearance

      [_] Speed / maneuverability

      [_] Price / value

      [_] Comfort / convenience

      [_] Kickback / bribe

      [_] Recommended by salesperson

      [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

      [_] Advanced Weapons Systems

      [_] Backroom politics

      [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

 

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

 

      [_] North America

      [_] Iraq

      [_] Iraq

      [_] Aircraft carrier

      [_] Iraq

      [_] Europe

      [_] Iraq

      [_] Middle East (not Iraq)

      [_] Panama

      [_] Africa

      [_] Iraq

      [_] Asia / Far East

      [_] Iraq

      [_] Misc. Third World countries

      [_] Iraq

      [_] Classified

      [_] Iraq

 

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to

purchase in the near future:

 

      [_] Color TV

      [_] VCR

      [_] ICBM

      [_] Killer Satellite

      [_] CD Player

      [_] Air-to-Air Missiles

      [_] Space Shuttle

      [_] Home Computer

      [_] Nuclear Weapon

 

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?

(Indicate all that apply:)

 

      [_] Communist / Socialist

      [_] Terrorist

      [_] Crazed

      [_] Nice Person

      [_] Democratic

      [_] Dictatorship

      [_] Corrupt

      [_] Primitive / Tribal

 

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

 

      [_] Deficit spending

      [_] Cash

      [_] Suitcases of cocaine

      [_] Oil revenues

      [_] Personal check

      [_] Credit card

      [_] Ransom money

      [_] Traveler's check

 

12. Your occupation:

 

      [_] Homemaker

      [_] Sales / marketing

      [_] Revolutionary

      [_] Clerical

      [_] Mercenary

      [_] Tyrant

      [_] Middle management

      [_] Eccentric billionaire

      [_] Defense Minister / General

      [_] Retired

      [_] Work At Post Office

 

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your

answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell

Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to

receive mailings and special offers from other companies,

governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.  As a

bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win

a brand new F-117A in our War Not Peace Sweepstakes!

 

IMPORTANT:

This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)

named above and may contain information that is confidential

privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low

self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If

you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution

or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or

implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

 

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context

somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or

no grammatical use and may be ignored.  No animals were harmed in

the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is

living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an

overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that

there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning

backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.

 

However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and

your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your

pets.  If you have received this email in error, please don't read it

again.

 

 

Laundry Woes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.

When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties. 

 

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman

that says, "Use more soap on panties." 

 

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same

note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties." 

 

Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note

that said, "Use more paper on ass." 

 

 

Over Qualified

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day

of work.  The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a

smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to

sweep the entire store."

 

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. 

 

"Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't know that," said the manager. 

"Here, give me the broom - Let me show you how."

 

Parental FAQ

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

 

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

 

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

 

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

 

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

 

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

 

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that

     sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

 

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant

     woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good

     for him).

 

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

 

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel

     during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

 

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

 

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room

     while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

 

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from

     childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

 

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

 

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her

     plans to nurse.

 

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A: When you see teeth marks.

 

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

 

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to

     feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

 

 

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first

blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

 

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says,

"Where?"

 

 

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory.

The personnel manager looked over her resume and

regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy

of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed

work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager

hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-

skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else.

 

The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to

the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at

8:00 AM the next day.

 

The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel

manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in

and started ranting about the woman who had just been

hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly

line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line

manager show him the problem.

 

Together they went down to the line and, sure enough,

Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at

the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired.

She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the

Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as

she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and

started sewing them between Elmo's legs.

 

The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably.

Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the

new employee, and said, "I'm sorry. I guess you

misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do

was give Elmo two test tickles."

 

 

 

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped

from prison?

 

He's a small medium at large.

 

 

There was this old native American who wanted a loan for

$500. The banker pulled out the loan application and

asked, "What are you going to do with the money?"

 

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

 

"What have you got for collateral?"

 

"Don't know collateral."

 

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost

of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

 

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

 

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

 

"Yes, I have a horse."

 

"How old is it?"

 

"Don't know, has no teeth."

 

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several

weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled

out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then

handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

 

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

 

"Put in tepee."

 

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

 

"Don't know deposit."

 

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for

you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

 

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for

collateral?"

 

 

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of

that comes from bad judgment.

 

 

 

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a

studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been

working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for

several months now.

 

As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the

usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress

for the day's work.

 

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a

cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her

for the day, but that she could just go home; he just

wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

 

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the

least I can do."

 

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were

sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and

enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and

close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God !!!" he

whispered loudly, "It's my wife ! Quick !!! Take all your

clothes off."

 

 

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in,

continue firm and constant."

 

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a

fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary

money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have

a turn, considering that his inebriated state would

endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given

a gun.

 

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target

and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times.

The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished

to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize

for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the

showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what

he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize,

a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the

crowd.

 

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than

before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again

the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes

and was given another turtle.

 

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a

third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved

it around in the general direction of the target, and

pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored

three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker

with good eyesight.

 

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored

three bulls?"

 

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over

to the target and inspecting it closely.

 

"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is

fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star

prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

 

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied.

"Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

 

 

"A speech is like a love affair. Any fool can start it,

but to end it requires considerable skill."

 

 

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed

away, the Lord himself greeted him at the Pearly Gates

of Heaven.

 

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

 

"I could eat," said Seymour.

 

The Lord opened a can of tuna and they shared it.

 

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into

Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous

steaks, pheasants, pastries, and vodka.

 

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was

hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."

 

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while

down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne,

lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

 

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of

tuna was opened.

 

Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in

Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this

is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. In the Other

Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

 

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two

people, does it pay to cook?"

 

 

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your

collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.

 

"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly

remember taking my shirt off."

 

 

 

Two executives working in the garment centre are having

lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week

was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

 

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

 

Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on

vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so

my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the

credit card. I came back to New York and found out that

my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for

millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on

Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the

garment model on my desk!"

 

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My

week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with

my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so

my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit

card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out

that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me

off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to

work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with

the garment model on my desk!"

 

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?"

asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"

 

"You idiot!" cried Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's

garments..."

 

 

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and

sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the

corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell

your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a

try just to see what it tells me."

 

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and

out came a card that said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs

and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

 

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself

it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to

try it again. She went back to the machine and put her

nickel in. Out came a card that read,

 

"You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago,

Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said

to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a

musical instrument a day in my life."

 

She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set

his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the

fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled,

she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible.

I've got to try it again."

 

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card

came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're

going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind.

 

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke

wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell

off the scales and broke wind.

 

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She

said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to

try it again."

 

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in an collected

the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you

have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight

to Chicago!!!!!!!!"

 

 

"The most important single ingredient in the formula of

success is knowing how to get along with people."

 

 

I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan,

my continually harried friend, that she needed to find

ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was

busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress

management and relaxation techniques.

 

Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitdchen and

handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't

need it."

 

"But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't

have watched the whole thing."

 

"Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward."

 

~~

 

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.

"It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."

 

In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex.

I said that it was still too cold to paint.

 

In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and

we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I

went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not

far from where my wife was working, a neighbour passed

by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit

there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder

painting the house?"

 

Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like

beer."

 

 

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never

understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it

onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

 

 

Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?

 

Matt: Would you play with someone who curses after each

shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on

his card?

 

Joe: No!

 

Matt: Neither will Bob.

 

~~

 

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at

the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home

four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

 

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark,

crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you

go down to the all-night drug store on the next block

and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

 

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across

the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

 

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say,"

said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th

District?"

 

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

 

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire

Chief's uniform?!"

 

 

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try

kickboxing.

 

 

 

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was

depressed. "What's wrong?"

 

The depressed one replied, "I've been married four

times and every one of my husbands has passed away."

 

The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"

 

The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband

was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the

third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."

 

And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money,

two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."

 

~~

 

Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It

was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.

Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake

to the general store to pick him up some tobacco.

 

She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on

their tab.

 

So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back.

Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.

 

He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't

sure how tick de ice vas..."

 

 

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach

when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman

in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.

 

The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively,

and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome.

How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside

and walking off.

 

"Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife.

 

"Errr... Just a woman I met professionally,"

replied the doctor.

 

"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "in WHOSE profession?

Yours, or HERS?"

 

~~

 

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband

told the counsellor.

 

"Has she started to neglect you?"

 

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at

the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are

always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always

neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets

me choose the television shows we watch and she never

objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."

 

"So what's the problem?"

 

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured,

but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her

lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of

a bitch!'"

 

 

There are two theories to arguing with women.

 

Neither one works.

 

 

"The happy people are failures because they are on such

good terms with themselves that they don't give a damn."

 

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the

time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on

his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather

frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him what?

 

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

 

~~

 

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long

day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

 

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I

can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't

respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

 

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

 

~~

 

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room, dragging a wet

rabbit on a leash. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

 

Fluffy glares at her and then the soaking-wet rabbit

jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all

over him.

 

"I said sit, Fluffy!" the woman shouts. "Don't you want

to be a good little rabbit?"

 

Apparently not, because Fluffy, still wet, jumps onto

the floor shakes furiously, spraying water on everyone

and then proceeds to squat and urinate, right there in

the middle of the room.

 

"Dammit, Fluffy!" the woman screams, and then, mortified

by Fluffy's behaviour, she turns to the other people in

the room and says, "Please forgive me, I've just washed

my hare, and I can't do a thing with it!"

 

 

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,

"Mom, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."

 

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her

cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make

babies?"

 

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i'

and add 'es'."

 

 

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says

after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

 

There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew

every thing there was to know about accounting. He could

answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a

better accountant anywhere.

 

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk

drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then

close and lock it again.

 

This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only

eccentricity that this person exhibited. They tried many

times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he

wasn't there, without success.

 

One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going

over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died. This

upset everyone tremendously. However, now that he was gone,

the other members of the firm could finally see what was in

the drawer.

 

After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and

cautiously peeked inside. They found one sheet of paper, and

written in large letters was:

 

"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"

 

 

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked

whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over

again.

 

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

 

 

 

Jack, a lawyer, lies dying with his partner of 40 years by his

bedside. "Mike, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with

your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter.

On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a

decade."

 

"Relax," says Mike, "and don't think another thing about it.

I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

 

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his

office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very

serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't

do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him

a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a

good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner,

prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him

with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably

make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be

intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can

do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your

husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the

doctor say to you?"

 

"You're going to die."

 

Scribblers

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece

of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few

words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

 

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a

few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes

eight people to collect all the money!"

 

Mrs. Smith Goes to Church

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband,

"Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

 

"I didn't notice," admitted Mr. Smith.

 

"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs.

Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the

proper outfit for a mother of two."

 

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.

 

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of

good it does you to go to church!"

 

Economy

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting

alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old

man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what

you're wanting, and for $5.00, I'll have sex with you right over

there in that rocking chair."

 

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old

man continued, For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft

sofa over there, but for $20.00 I'll take you back to my room,

light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening

you've ever had in your life.

 

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes,

starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled

$20.00 bill and holds it up.  "So you want the nice romantic

evening in my room, huh?" asks the old man.

 

"Heck no!" replies the old lady,

"I want it four times in the rocking chair!!"

 

Classified

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in

one of their top spy hunters.

 

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is

Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland.  If you think

you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather

forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll

answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

 

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of

the small towns.  He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can

help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."

 

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more

specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named

Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop

on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president

of our local savings bank.  There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who

works at the stables.  And, as a matter of fact, my name is

Murphy, too."

 

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the

code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast

calls for mist in the morning."

 

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy.

He lives right down the street."

 

Cabby Candor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed

several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street

corner.

 

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which

point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those

ladies waiting for by that corner?"

 

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to

come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

 

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,

"Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...

They're hookers!"

 

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks,

"Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

 

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies

come from?"

 

Microsoft Misdelivery

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dear Microsoft Consumers:

 

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98

BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped to

destinations outside Brooklyn.

 

If you have a copy, you may need some help understanding the

commands.  The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by the unique

opening screen.

 

It reads: "WINDAS 98," with a background picture of Grand Army

Plaza.  When you start the program, instead of the usual harpy,

stringy music, you hear the theme from the Godfather. It is also

shipped with a Sopranos screen saver.

 

Please also note:

 

- The Recycle Bin is labeled "Bedford Stuyvesant."

- My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computer."

- The Inbox is referred to as "The Trunk."

- Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed

  Out."

- Dial up Networking is called "The Bar."

- Control Panel is known as the "The Bosses."

- Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancing the

  family business" and will actually maximize the program instead of

  shutting it down.

- Hard Drive is referred to as "The BQE Rush Hour."

- Instead of an error message, you'll see "You ain't gonna friggin'

  believe this!"

 

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN THE BROOKLYN EDITION:

 

OK...................Sure ting

Cancel..............Fugetaboutit

Reset...............Start Ova

Yes..................Yeah

No....................Nah

Find..................Put a contract out on...

Browse..............Get a looksee

Back.................U turn

Help..................(Yous don't need no stinking help!)

Stop..................Knock it off

Start..................Move it!

Settings.............Here's Da Rules

 

Also note that any voice recognition software run on the

BROOKLYN EDITION platform does not recognize the letter "R."

 

Some programs and other accessories exclusive to WINDAS 98:

 

Typa................A word processing program

Printa...............Printer

Calculata..........Calculator

Solitare.............Seven Card Stud

 

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a

copy of "Windas 98 Brooklyn Edition" in erra. You may retun it to

Microsoft for a replacement version.

 

Yous got a problem wit dat?

 

 

Mother, Forgive Me

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some

horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

 

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

 

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it

was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is

hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after

going only about 100 yards."

 

"Is that when you swore?"

 

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the

bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

 

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

 

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an

eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons

and began to fly away!"

 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

 

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it

flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

 

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

 

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,

rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

 

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed

and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"

 

Special Night Out

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate

her 40th birthday.  He says, "So what would you like, Sherry?

A Jaguar? A sable coat?  A diamond necklace?"

 

She said, "I want a divorce."

 

He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

 

Electronic Age

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two elderly neighbors were talking the other day and one said to the

other.

 

"Hey I just bought a new hearing aid  the other day, best hearing

aid I've ever had, thing cost  over 4,000 dollars."

 

"Great! What kind is it?"

 

"About 12:30"

 

Sharing

-=-=-=-=-

 

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter

evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young

couples eating there that night.  Some of the customers looked

admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

 

"Look, there is a couple who has been  through a lot together,

probably for 60 years or more!"  The little old man walked right up

to the cash register, placed his order  with no hesitation and then

paid for their meal.  The couple took a table near the back wall and

started taking food off of the tray.

 

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut

it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he

carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and

neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 

He took a  sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup

down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of

hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what

they were thinking.

 

"That poor old couple.  All they can afford is one meal for the two

of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man

stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to

buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that

they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. 

 

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking

turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged

them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady

explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. 

 

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly

with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came

over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being

politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old

lady:

 

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.

What is it that you are waiting for?"

 

"The teeth," she replied.

 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming

down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the

crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws

and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR,"

all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was

near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the

pulpit.

 

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed

from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he

reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child

sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

 

 

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do? 

 

Teacher: Of course not! 

 

Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!

 

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of

a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. 

"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes

the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. 

"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little

worried. 

"What's your name, birdie?" 

"Moses." 

"What dummy named you Moses?" 

"The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus."

 

 

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

 

 

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights

broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the

offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a

note stuck under the windshield wiper. 

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw

the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think

I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm

not."

 

 

"One of the best ways of avoiding necessary and even urgent tasks is to

seem to be busily employed on things that are already done."

 

 

 

Only in America... can a homeless combat veteran live in a

cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

 

 

A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten

dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly

skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired. 

"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in

his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to

his secretary."

 

 

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of

dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the

garage.

 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up

their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes

his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" 

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it

tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially

billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn

is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a

quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is

all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day

tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you

idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

 

 

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the

way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while

healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store.

 

 

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in

front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall

of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth

has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock

will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved

indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved

twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire

life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling

fan."

 

 

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and

buns in packages of eight.

 

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my

wife to Australia."

 

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are

you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

 

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

 

 

 

A woman goes to the police station to report that her

husband was missing.

 

"Can you give me a description of him?" asked the

officer.

 

"He's short and bald and skinny and wrinkled and wears

dentures," answered the woman. "Come to think of it,

most of him was missing before he was."

 

~~

 

On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small

forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer,

while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.

 

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee

man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back

to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.

 

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side

of the forest."

 

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky

farmer asked.

 

"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed

off three of his legs and he's still trapped."

 

 

A pair of Irish workmen were repairing some roadside

damage directly across the street from a house of

ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend

lurking about and then ducking into the house.

 

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful

disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house

the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in

disgust and continued their work.

 

A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked

around himself cautiously and then darted into the house

when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

 

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and

disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I

just can't understand what the world is coming to these

days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the

flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

 

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic

Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if

any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the

door. "Oh no, Darby look!" said Pat, removing his cap.

"One of the poor girls musta' died."

 

 

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone,

come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second

week, he made his move.

 

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound

rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping

myself pure until I meet the man I love."

 

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

 

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said.

 

"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

 

~~

 

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital

and asked to see the "upturn".

 

"I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the

nurse on duty.

 

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

 

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

 

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

 

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

 

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination,

examination, fraternity, maternity.... what's the

difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two

months, and I think I'm stagnant."

 

 

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone,

come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second

week, he made his move.

 

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound

rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping

myself pure until I meet the man I love."

 

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

 

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said.

 

"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

 

~~

 

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital

and asked to see the "upturn".

 

"I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the

nurse on duty.

 

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

 

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

 

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

 

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

 

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination,

examination, fraternity, maternity.... what's the

difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two

months, and I think I'm stagnant."

 

 

 

A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring

a pair of silver shoes when a bloke sidled up beside her.

 

"Like the shoes? I'll buy them for you if you come to bed

with me."

 

"Okay. But be warned - I don't like sex very much."

 

He bought the silver shoes & took her back to his hotel

where, once again, she emphasised her lack of enthusiasm.

And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him

the slightest encouragement. So much so that he was

getting bored himself.

 

Whereupon, she suddenly lifted her legs high in the air

and shouted, "WOW!"

 

"I thought you didn't like sex!" he said with mounting

excitement.

 

"I don't. But I just *love* these new silver shoes!"

 

~~

 

Chuck and Linda a married couple scheduled their annual

medical examination on the same day so they could travel

together. After the examination, the doctor then said to

Chuck, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any

medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"

 

"In fact, I do," said Chuck. "After I have sex with my

wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and

then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm

usually cold and chilly."

 

After examining the Linda, the doctor said: "Everything

appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that

you would like to discuss with me?"

 

Linda replied that she had no questions or concerns. The

doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having

sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after

the second time. Do you know why?"

 

"Oh that crazy old coot!" she replied. "That's because

the first time is usually in July and the second time

is usually in December!"

 

 

"Happiness comes uninvited: and the moment that you are

conscious that you are happy, you are no longer happy."

 

 

 

Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got

trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's

somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's

somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you

gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

 

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the

shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure

your fears."

 

"How much do you charge?"

 

"A hundred dollars per visit."

 

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

 

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why

didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the

psychiatrist.

 

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for

ten dollars."

 

"Is that so! How?"

 

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to

charge a customer:

 

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they

cost, you say '$75.' ...

 

If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The

lenses will be $50.'...

 

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"

 

~~

 

During the space program, the Apollo astronauts

practiced 'moon-walking' in the South-western deserts.

The strange sight of the space-suited figures wandering

around the landscape attracted several Indians. One of

them could speak English, and the officials in charge

told him what they were doing.

 

When he informed the others, one old man wanted to

write a message to send to the moon. The NASA people

humoured him, and he scratched out a message.

 

When the other Indians read it, they smiled, but didn't

say anything. The NASA people couldn't read it, since

it was in Indian, and they finally had to resort to

paying a willing Indian- for whom they had to search,

since most refused- to tell them what it said.

 

The note said, "Watch out for these people! They're

coming to take your land!"

 

 

 

When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?

 

A. When he has a new car.

 

B. When he has a new wife.

 

 

David hears that a fortune could be made by working

as a lumberjack in Canada. So, off he goes. After

some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks

the foreman for a job.

 

"Okay sonny" says the foreman, "but you’ll have to do

a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow

you’re hired."

 

The next day David gets his chainsaw and happily saws

away all day. When trees are counted David only has 90.

"Oh well" says the foreman, "You’ll get another chance

tomorrow."

 

Next day, same story, 95 trees. "I don’t believe this"

says the foreman, "A big strong fella like yourself

should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You

get one more chance, and I’ll join you to show you

the trick of it".

 

Next day, David and the foreman go into the forest.

On arrival at the previous day’s clearing the foreman

puts the chainsaw on the ground, and starts the engine.

"For crying out loud!" exclaims David, who has had his

back to the foreman. "How can you cut trees with all

that racket?"

 

 

Q: Ancient Greeks mixed pigment with what other substance

to provide color to their warships?

 

A: Wax

 

 

 

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't

getting any.

 

 

 

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he

called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of

normal sex life.

 

Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?"

but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.

 

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

"But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is

plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the

other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

 

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years,

and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the

man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of

course he could.

 

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but

like the others,ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded,

"Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.

 

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life,

plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion

about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

 

 

Q: What was the hottest outdoor temperature ever recorded

in the world?

 

A: 136 degrees.

 

 

 

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.

He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One

day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before

long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering

about he notices a  leopard heading rapidly in his

direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doodoo now."....

 

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by,

and immediately settles down to chew on the bones

with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the

leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,

"Man, That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if

there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid

stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and

slinks away into the trees.

 

"Whew", says the leopard." That was close. That dog

nearly had me."

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole

scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his

knowledge to good use and trade it for protection

from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw

him heading after the leopard with great speed, and

figured that something must be up.

 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills

the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the

leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of

and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's

going to happen to that conniving canine."

 

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey

on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his

back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them

yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the

dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust

him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me

another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

 

 

 

Big Bad Dog

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a

sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass

door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the

floor besides the cash register.

 

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed

to beware of?"

 

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

 

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

 

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in

the world would you post that sign?"

 

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people

kept tripping over him."

 

 

Oh, This Old Thing?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man who was summoned to an IRS audit asked his accountant

for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing.  Let them think you're a pauper."

 

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite

"Don't let them intimidate you.  Wear your most elegant suit and

tie."

 

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting

advice, and requested a resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell

you a story," replied the rabbi.

 

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear

on her wedding night.  Her mother advised, 'Wear a long, heavy

flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

 

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.

The friend said, 'Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right

down to your navel.'"

 

Confused, the man protested, "But what does all this have to do

with my problem with the IRS?"

 

The rabbi replied, "Your situation is the same.  It doesn't matter

what you wear.  You're going to get screwed."

 

 

Twisted Equity

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents

each.  Every day a young man would leave his office building at

lunch time.  As he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a

quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

 

This went on for more than five years.  The two of them never spoke.

One day as the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left

his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him: " Sir, I

appreciate your business.  You are a good customer, but I have to

let you know that the price of pretzels has increased to 35 cents."

 

 

Kids on Life

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,

if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she

should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

 

 

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

 

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be

yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

 

 

What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?

 

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

 

 

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

 

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to

know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen

long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

 

 

When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

 

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

 

 

Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

 

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.

Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

 

 

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

 

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8

 

 

How Would You Make A Marriage Work?

 

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

 

 

Picture Perfect

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched

along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. 

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the

clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty

grouchy in this picture." 

 

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he

reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when

the cops pull you over anyway." 

 

 

Coordinate

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing

on map reading. 

 

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes

the teacher asked Morris, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for

lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15

minutes east longitude...?"

 

After a confused silence Morris replied, "I guess you'd be

eating alone."

 

 

Politeness Pays Off

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's

lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him

severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared,

"just as I do at the dinner table." 

 

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his

rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that

better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. 

 

"Yes," replied the young woman, "much better."

 

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. 

"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" 

 

 

Professionals Know Best

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally

decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. 

 

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then

waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to

make him feel better.

 

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some

notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with 

a puzzled look on his face. 

 

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and

said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem.  It is

very common among losers." 

 

 

What's With These Guys? 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 

 

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were getting frustrated

one morning because a very slow group of golfers were

ahead of them. 

 

Engineer:  What's with these guys?  We have been waiting

for 30 minutes for them to finish the hole! 

 

Doctor:  I don't know but I have never seen such a slow

foursome! 

 

Priest:  Hey, here comes the greens keeper.  Let's make our

complaint to him... "Hi George.  Say, what's with that

group ahead of us? They are ruining our morning being so

slow." 

 

George: Oh yes.  That's a group of blind firefighters.  They

all lost their sight while saving our club house...  You

remember the fire.  So we let them play here anytime free

of charge. 

 

                     ( silence )

 

Priest: That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them at

mass. 

 

Doctor: Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my

ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can

do for them. 

 

Engineer: So why can't those guys play at night? 

 

 

Did You Hear...?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Memo from Director General to Manager: 

 

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse

of the sun. This is when the sun disappears

behind the moon for two minutes. As this is

something that cannot be seen every day, time

will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse

in the parking lot. 

 

Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven,

when I will deliver a short speech introducing the

eclipse, and giving some background information. 

Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. 

 

 

Memo from Manager to Department Head: 

 

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the

car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of

the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For

a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. 

 

The Director General will deliver a short speech

beforehand to give us all some background

information. This is not something that can be seen

every day. 

 

 

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: 

 

The Director General will today deliver a short speech

to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the

form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen

every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten

or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost. 

 

 

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: 

 

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where

the Director General will eclipse the sun for two

minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be

safe, but it will cost you. 

 

 

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

 

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the

Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't

happen every day. 

 

 

Reality Check

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant

when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their

table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll

see him later and walks away. 

 

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was

that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. 

I want a divorce!"

 

I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if

we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,

no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,

no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. 

But the decision is yours."

 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous

babe on his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

 

Not MY Child

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an

examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is

pregnant."

 

The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that

*her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her

reputation by having sex before marriage.

 

The doctor faced the window and silently looked out to the

horizon.

 

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the

window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

 

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am.  It's just that the last

time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men

came.  I was hoping they'd show up again and confirm this

very rare immaculate conception.

 

 

 

Breakfast

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

It was Joe the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of

carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same

neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by

the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and

sent him his way with a tidy gift envelope.

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific

fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful

woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led

him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up

the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most

passionate sex he had ever experienced. When they had enough, they

went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,

potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange

juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

 

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under

the cup's bottom edge.

 

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,  "but what's

the dollar for?"

 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be

your last day, and that we should do something for you. I asked him

what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar."

 

"The breakfast was my idea!"

 

Classified

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

 

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

 

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

 

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

 

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1993

MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

 

COWS, NEVER BRED...  ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

 

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

 

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.  NEUTERED.  SPEAKS GERMAN.  FREE.

 

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

 

FOR SALE:  LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

 

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE

 

NICE PARACHUTE:  NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

 

 

Loosen Up

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a

stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over

and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

 

"1956," came his immediate reply.

 

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed.  "Honey, you

need to get out more."

 

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean," he answered, glancing at

his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

 

 

Monotony

-=-=-=-=-

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction

work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  They were

eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! 

If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm

going to jump off this building!"

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!

If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." 

 

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a

bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." 

 

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and

cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees

a burrito, and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the

bologna and jumps to his death also.

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping.  She says, "If

I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I

never would have given it to him again!"

 

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him

tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. 

"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

 

 

"First things first, second things never."

 

 

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning

his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when

a voice came over the clubhouse speaker -

 

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up

to the men's tee!"

 

Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious

to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the

man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!

Please!"

 

Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the

announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play

my second shot!"

 

~~

 

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane

asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting,

"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

 

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence,

and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then

everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen!

Fourteen! Fourteen!"

 

~~

 

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened

to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be

good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

 

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal

ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

 

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm

the father of THREE children.".

 

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

 

 

Tough Times

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by

himself.

 

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.

What's the problem?"

 

"My mother died in June," he said. "She left me

$10,000 to remember her by and help with my greif."

 

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

 

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father

died.  He was generous though, leaving me $50,000."

 

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder

you're depressed."

 

"And last month my aunt died.  She left me $15,000."

 

"Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad...."

 

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

 

 

HMO Troubles?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

 

   10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

 

    9.  Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when

        you enter the trailer park."

 

    8.  Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

 

    7.  Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

 

    6.  Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is

        "an apple a day."

 

    5.  Your "primary care physician" is wearing

        the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

 

    4.  "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-

        network charges" is not a typo.

 

    3.  The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

 

    2.  With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come

        in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

 

And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...

 

    1.  You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

 

 

P.C. Sexism

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Below, you will find PC phrases to describe both men and women.

Enjoy!

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

  1.  She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

 

  2.  She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

 

  3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION

     SUPERHIGHWAY.

 

  4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED

     COMPANION.

 

  5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY  IMPAIRED.

 

  6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY 

     INCONVENIENCED.

 

  7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

 

  8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

 

  9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

 

10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

 

11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY

    SUPERIOR.

 

12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE

    PROVIDER.

 

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

 

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a

   LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

 

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

 

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES

   ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

 

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

 

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY

   DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

 

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes

   ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

 

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of

   RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

 

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

 

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT -

   He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

 

 

WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.


10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a

local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the

printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store

charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be

better off reading the printer's manual and trying the

job himself.

 

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss

know that you discourage business?"

 

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied

sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let

people try to fix things themselves first."

 

 

 

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"

 

Defendant: "No, I did not."

 

Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

 

Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the

penalty for murder."

 

 

 

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best

friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go

to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even

promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the

deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there

was baseball in heaven or not. 

 

One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago

White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy

man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.

 

"Hi, John."

 

"Cliff, is it really you?" 

 

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you

know John, there's good news and bad news." 

 

"Okay. What's the good news?"

 

"There is baseball in heaven." 

 

"The bad news?"

 

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

 

 

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with

clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in

civilized society, it is called golf.

 

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

 

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are

those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

 

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

 

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and

not too often.

 

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends,

play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

 

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of

poor players.

 

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once

before swinging, and once again after swinging.

 

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart

cannot count, criticize or laugh.

 

 

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you

don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

 

 

 

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

 

2. They rarely listen to you.

 

3. They're totally unpredictable.

 

4. They whine when they are not happy.

 

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

 

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

 

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

 

8. They're moody.

 

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

 

10. They drive you nuts.

 

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

 

 

 

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece

of furniture in the house.

 

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,

but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

 

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

 

4. They growl when they are not happy.

 

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

 

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

 

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

 

Conclusion:  They're tiny men in little fur coats.

 

 

"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to

yours."

 

 

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding

ring, and suffering!

 

 

 

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of

Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

 

Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."

 

 

"The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and

obsolescence."

 

 

Do you know how many lawyer jokes there really are in the

world?

 

Only three. The rest are true stories.

 

 

 

Two new additions to the periodic table of chemical elements

Part I:

 

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 180+

 

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent

out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.

Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples

are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

 

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it

can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes

explosive when mixed with KID (Element: Child) for prolonged

periods of time. Neutralizes by saturating with alcohol.

 

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good

specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

 

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly

decomposes and begins to smell.

 

 

 

Two new additions to the periodic table of chemical elements

Part II:

 

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

 

Physical properties:  Generally round in form. Boils at any

thing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated

properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

 

Chemical properties:  Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses

strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious

stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great

amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next

to a shinier specimen.

 

Usage:  Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for

dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful wealth

reducing agent known.

 

Caution:  Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

 

 

 

Two guys were walking on the street when one of them says:

 

"I've realized that my wife is an angel."

 

"Mine isn't human, either", said the second.

 

 

 

The Perfect Employee?

 

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

 

Addendum:

 

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the

report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd

numbered lines.

 

 

 

Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about

your son."

 

Father: "What's that?"

 

Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."

 

 

 

A young man, wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice

for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy

her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone.

He shows her and explains to her all the features on the

phone.

 

The next day the wife goes to get her hair done. Her phone

rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you

like your new phone?"

 

"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a

bell. But there's one thing I don't understand. How did you

know I was at the beauty parlor?"

 

 

"A man's friend likes him but leaves him as he is; his wife loves him

and is always trying to turn him into somebody else."

 

 

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the

phone rang.

 

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the

heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then

slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the

coast was clear."

 

 

 

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted.

 

 

 

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are

hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very

easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth"

even when you don't know anything.

 

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted

by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole

truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just

don't tell your father."

 

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from

work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The

father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a

word to your mother."

 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day,

when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets

him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops

the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your

FATHER a big hug."

 

 

 

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo

Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

 

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your

willpower."

 

 

 

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so

excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a

taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

 

"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I

just can't wait to go out there and see what the world

has in store for me."

 

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says,

"Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."

 

 

"Corporation: an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit

without individual responsibility."

 

 

If a cow laughs real hard, does milk come out her nose?

 

 

 

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game,

looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to

let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. 

So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you

get it right, you can play."

 

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes

intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me

the answer to this.  What is two plus two?"

 

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

 

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it

right.

 

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,

"Come on coach, give him another chance!"

 

 

 

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't

zigzag?

 

 

 

 

HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS!

 

--Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and

put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove

the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in

the right side.

 

--Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing

the right way.  Put a few upside down and backwards. That way

they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork

and re-staple it (on the left side).

 

--Line the bottom of your envelope with glue and let it dry

before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener

doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

 

--If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two

or three party check.

 

--On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the

dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no

matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special

desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

 

--Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received

has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its

on.

 

--Write your letter on something misshapen and

unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.

 

--If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly

envelope to your half destroyed form.

 

--Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign

fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

 

--Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to

verified and then date stamped.

 

--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its

just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and

sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added

bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over

other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your

mess.

 

NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you

can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when

you owe money

 

 

 

Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

 

 

A LETTER TO THE IRS:

 

April 23, 2001

 

Internal Revenue Service

State Processing Center

Holtsville, NY 01150-0115

 

Dear Taxmen/women:

 

Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of

the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today

newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax guide.

 

In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50

for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

 

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six

hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to

$3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it

to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5

inch screw. (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 each

1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)

 

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I

look forward to paying it again next year.

 

Sincerely,

J. Smith

 

 

 

What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a

grenade and put them together?

 

A typical upgrade

 

 

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.

 

"How's business?" asked the first.

 

"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an

ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it,

there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

 

 

 

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving

 

 

 

One day an old lady's dog passed out on her floor. She was

used to her dog playing dead, so she thought nothing of it,

but three days passed and still the dog didn't move, so she

became worried. She took the dog to her local veterinarian. 

 

The vet set the dog on an observation table and began

examining the dog. A couple minutes later, the vet left the

room. Then he returned with a cage and inside the cage was a

cat. He set the cage next to the dog and let the cat out. 

The cat walked around the dog three times then went back into

his cage. 

 

A few minutes later the vet came to the old lady and said

"I'm sorry, but you're dog is dead.  That'll be 250 dollars."

 

"250 dollars! For what?!" Shouted the old lady.

 

"Well, 50 dollars for the examination, and 200 dollars for

the cat scan."

 

 

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes."

 

 

Bobby:  Five people board a bus, but only three bought

tickets. Why?

 

Mickey:  I don't know.

 

Bobby:  Because one was the driver and the other was the

conductor, dummy.

 

 

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! PART I

 

A telephone company fired their president after nine months,

saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26

million severance package. Perhaps it's not the president who's

lacking intelligence...

 

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to

subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that

the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out

and give himself up...

 

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist

and forced him to drive to two different automated teller

machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from

his own bank accounts...

 

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day

suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last

week - for a mint! The boy allegedly told a classmate that the

mints would make him "jump higher." Also, a student in Belle,

West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a

classmate a cough drop. The school principal reiterated the

school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with

the "zero-intelligence" policy...

 

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46

teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

 

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas convenience store and

asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the

take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked

the counter himself for three hours until police showed up

and grabbed him.

 

 

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! PART II

 

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into

a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his

forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to

help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.

Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-

inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill

and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

 

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship

badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist

flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be

space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on

Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted

deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy

the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and

marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.

"Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made

off with over six million dollars.

 

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA

blamed his college degree for his murder of three people.

"There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I

had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

 

 

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! PART III

 

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just

couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives

asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me

all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not

what I said!"

 

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a

dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-

of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the

front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was

seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman,

"with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police

have the man's charred trousers in custody.

 

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant

and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

 

In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a

bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to

simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand

in his pocket. Wonder what he uses for a knife?

 

 

 

Shapin' Up

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat,

when his wife said, "Where are you going?"

 

The elderly man replied, "To the doctor's."

 

Surprised, his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"

 

"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

 

With that, his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker

and started putting on her sweater.

 

Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"

 

"I'm going to the doctor, too."

 

"Why?"

 

She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using

that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

 

 

Goose the Gander

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and

going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy

and Aunt Jane kissing.

 

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as

he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

 

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY..."

 

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

 

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car

go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was

giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt,

then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid

down on the seat, then Daddy..."

 

At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny,

this is such an interesting story, so suppose you save the rest of it

for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell

the rest tonight."

 

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He

describes the car in the woods, the undressing, laying down on

the seat, and said, "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing

Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army!"

 

 

lind Reasoning

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned

bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both

were blind from birth.

 

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was

slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake

and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt

you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In

fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

 

It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the

same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never

knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you,

and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for

you."

 

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake

slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with

soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have

a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

 

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

 

The bunny suggested to the snake, "maybe I could feel you with my paw,

and the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all

over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a

forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. . .  I'd say you must be

either a politician, an attorney, or possibly a member of upper

management."

 

 

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

 

 

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

 

 

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said, "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"
she asked.

 

 

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

 

 

 

 

Actual label instructions on consumer products:

 

1.    On a blanket from Taiwan -

        NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

 

2.    On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -

        REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY

        BEHIND YOU.

 

3.    On a Taiwanese shampoo -

        USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

 

4.    On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink

        AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

 

5.    On a New Zealand insect spray -

        THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

 

6.    In a US guide to setting up a new computer -

        TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO

        WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.

        (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

 

7.    On a Japanese product used to relieve painful

        haemorrhoids

        LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO

        THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL

        DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5

        MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

 

8.    In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles

        OPEN OTHER END.

 

9.    On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -

        WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST

        CEREAL?

 

10.   On a Sears hairdryer -

        DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

 

11.   On a bag of Fritos -

        YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.

        DETAILS INSIDE.

 

12.   On a bar of Dial soap -

        DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

 

13.   On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom

        of the box)-

        DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

 

14.   On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -

        PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

 

15.   On a Korean kitchen knife -

        WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

 

16.   On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -

        FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

 

17.   On a Japanese food processor -

        NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

 

18.   On Sainsbury's peanuts -

        WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

 

19.   On an American Airlines packet of nuts

        INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

 

20.   On a Swedish chainsaw -

         DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR

        HANDS.

 

21.   On a child's superman costume -

        WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

 

22.   On some frozen dinners

        SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

 

23.   On a hotel provided shower cap in a box

        FITS ONE HEAD.

 

24.   On packaging for a Rowenta iron

        DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

 

25.   On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine

        DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

 

26.   On Nytol sleep aid

        WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

 

 

 

 

English Faux Pas

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

(Otherwise known as "English, the most screwy language

of all and an even tougher one to learn as a second language.")

 

There's no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger

and neither pine nor apple in pineapple.

 

English muffins weren't invented in England or

French fries in France.

 

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,

which aren't sweet, are meat.

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't

fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't

ham?

 

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural

of booth beeth?  One goose, two geese.  So one

moose, two meese?

 

And if the plural of mouse is mice, why the heck

isn't the plural of house hice, and spouse, spice?

 

We drive on parkways, and park in driveways.

 

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the

same and "wise man" and "wise guy" mean the

opposite?

 

If teachers taught, why haven't preachers praught?

 

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a

strapful gown?  Met a sung hero?

 

Have you ever run into someone who was

combobulated or gruntled?

 

Have you ever met anyone who was couth?

 

And where are all those people who ARE spring

chickens?

 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a

language in which your house can burn up as

it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling

it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by

going on.

 

English reflects the creativity of the human race

(which, of course, isn't a race at all).

 

When the stars are out, they are

visible, but when the lights are out, they are

invisible.

 

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but

when I wind up an essay, I end it!

 

 

 

Discrimination in School

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A first grade class comes in from recess.

 

Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"

 

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

 

Teacher says, "That's good.  Go to the blackboard, and if you

can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

 

She does and gets a cookie.

 

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

 

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

 

Teacher says, "Good.  If you write 'box" correctly on the

blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

 

Morris does and gets a cookie.

 

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at

recess.

 

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw

rocks at me."

 

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you?  That sounds like blatant

racial discrimination.  If you can go the blackboard and

write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

 

 

 

Misguided Amusement

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A misguided father spoke with his teen offspring:

 

"Son, the object of dating is to SCORE!  And to do that, you

have to give the woman something.  So when you pick up

your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give

her.  Girls go crazy over that stuff.  The more you give, the more you

get!  It's an exchange thing."

 

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.

 

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with

a long, passionate kiss.  She pressed her chest against him and

rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the

best kiss that he had ever received.

 

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

 

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said.  "I didn't mean to scare you away."

 

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'll be right back. 

I just remembered there's a sale at Jason's Jewelry!"

 

 

No, I don't wanna go...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Early one morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke

him up, shaking him gently.  "Wake up, Honey.  It's time to go to

school."

 

"But why, Mama?  I don't want to go to school," he whinned.

 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school and maybe I'll

consider it," she taunted.

 

"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me," he

concluded.

 

"Oh! Those are not good reasons. Come on... get up.  You have to go to

school now."

 

"Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?" he retorted.

 

"One, you are 52 years old, Honey. Two, you are the

PRINCIPAL."

 

 

For you, Baby!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive

furrier.  "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.  So

the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely

gorgeous full-length coat.  As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes

up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur

goes for $65,000."

 

"No problem!  I'll write you a check!"

 

"Very good, sir,"  says the shop owner.  "Today is Saturday.

You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has

cleared."

 

So the man and the woman leave.  On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged:  "How dare you show your face in

here?!  There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

 

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for

the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

 

 

 

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,

because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

 

 

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car

is total-loss  and covered with leaves, grass, branches,

dirt and blood.  He asks his friend, "What's happened to

your car?"

 

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

 

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what

about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

 

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

 

~~

 

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite

in the furniture store.

 

Pete says to the salesman,  "We really like it, but I

don't think we can afford it."

 

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment...

then you don't make another payment for six months."

 

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and

says, "Who told you about us?"

 

 

"Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming

better than you are."

 

 

Researchers at the Harvard Business School recently

concluded a three year, $7.6 million study of American

corporate workers.

 

The study, a 23,000 page document, which focused on the

recreational preferences of those workers, is summarized

below.

 

1.  Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: 

    bowling.

 

2.  Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

 

3.  Sport of choice for supervisors:  baseball.

 

4.  Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

 

5.  Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

 

 

CONCLUSION:  The higher you are in the corporate

structure, the smaller your balls.

 

 

 

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked

on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not

want to hear their message, and slammed the door in

their faces.

 

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in

fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her

back into it, and slammed the door again with the same

result the door bounced back open.

 

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their

foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that

would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am,

before you do that again you need to move your cat."

 

 

 

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was

lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live

today in very difficult times for young people. In

moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just

one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime

of shame?"

 

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,

"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

 

~~

 

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about

their respective professions. The first guy says, "I'm

a YUPPIE...Ya know...  Young, Urban, Professional."

 

The second guys says "I'm a DINK...  Ya know, Double

Income No Kids."

 

They asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied.... "I'm a WIFE...  Ya know, Wash, Iron,

Fuck, Etc."

 

~~

 

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down

the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says,

"I've never come this way before."

 

The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

 

 

 

Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients

and dishwashing liquid contain real lemons?

 

 

 

Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day

swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the

end.

 

 

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman.

Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that

on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

 

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert

himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares

herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is

expecting.

 

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready

for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well

whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go

to sleep for the night.

 

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there

old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat

surprised, she consents to further coupling which is again

successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond

good night and leaves.

 

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is

close to sleep, for the third time when there is another

knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year

old and ready for more.

 

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying

in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really

impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at

it three times. I've been with guys less than half your

age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover

Morris."

 

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says, "I was

here already?"

 

 

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a

cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of

which would get the job.

 

The first one interviewed was from a small college in

upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

 

Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up

stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of

himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation,"

thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire

him.

 

He turned to the first applicant and told him he could

go and they would let him know.

 

Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you

carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as

cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did

not fill out the place on the application where we asked

your formal education."

 

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where

did you get your financial education?"

 

"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."

 

"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"

 

"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be

called?"

 

Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

 

 

A well-dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia airport. While stuck in traffic, the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of adventure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying there just bores me. Why not drive me there? The meeting will last only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."

The driver said, "Sure, why not?!" and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,625.80.

When they got back to the businessman's office in Manhattan, the man told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified check. I'll make it for $5,050 so you'll get a sizable tip for your service."

"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."

"One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me home, please. I'm extremely tired."

"Where do you live?"

"Brooklyn."

"No way! I'd have to drive back over the Tri-Boro Bridge without a passenger!"

 

                                                                                                                                       

 

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

 

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

 

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

 

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

 

 

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests... PART I

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Circumstantial

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern

Minnesota.  The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.

The wife likes to read.

 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing

and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with

the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short

distance, anchors, and returns to reading her book.

 

Along comes the game warden's boat.  He pulls up alongside her

and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

 

"Reading my book," she replies, as she thinks to herself, "isn't

that obvious?"

 

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

 

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

 

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in

and write you up."

 

"If you do that, I'll have you charged with rape," snaps the woman.

 

"But, I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

 

"Yes, that's true," she replies, "but you do have all the equipment."

 

Moral of the Story:

Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think...

 

 

Helping Hand

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman

who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.  As the

bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her

skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the

first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she

reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this

would give her enough slack to raise her leg enough in the confines

of her skirt.

 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

 So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to

unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the

step.  Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg

enough to make the step.

 

With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to

unzip a little more and still unable to make the step.  About this

time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up

easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,

"How dare you touch me?!  I don't even know you!"

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree

with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured

we was friends."

 

 

High Diver

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming

pool.

 

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.

"I'm going to have to report you."

 

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

 

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

 

 

A Load Off My Mind

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer

struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

 

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a

moment, and I'll give you a hand."

 

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

 

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break.

 Come and have a drink of water."

 

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing

his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave

driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my

mind!"

 

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

 

 

An old one with a new face:

 

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's

ranch.  She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her

husband NEVER to touch it.

 

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old

and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he

found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

 

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

 

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She

told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got

mad at you."

 

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at

him twice.

 

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

 

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

 

 

Titanic vs. Clinton

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Which video should I buy? 

Help me out here.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

CLINTON VIDEO:  $9.99 on Internet.

 

TITANIC VIDEO:  Over 3 hours long.

CLINTON VIDEO:  Over 3 hours long.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden

love, and subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden

love, and subsequent catastrophe.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of  her life.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.

 

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary

 

 

25 Signs

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP...

 

 1. Your potted plants are alive.

 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

 9.  Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next

      door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning

    of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, 

    rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms  

    and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to." replaces "I'm never going

    to drink that much again".

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real

    work.

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a  bar.

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply

    to you.

 

 

 

Diet Nightmare

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The

material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of

us sitting here, years ago.

 

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese

food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of

us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking

water.

 

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all

have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that

causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

A old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"  

 

 

Be All That You Can Be

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he

glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realizes  she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and

behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a

conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

 

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual

Nymphomaniac Convention in OshKosh, Wisconsin.."

 

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen,

sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your

business role at this convention?"

 

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the

popular myths about human sexuality that tend to go around."

 

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

 

"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American

men are the most well endowed when, in fact, its the Native American

Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular

myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the

men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential

lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

 

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes.

"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I

don't even know your name!"

 

"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!

But my friends call me 'Bubba'!

 

 

Foreign Approach

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

People in other countries sometimes go out of their

way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists.

Here is a list of signs seen around the world.  How cute!

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.

IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO

THE GUARD ON DUTY.

 

Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Hotel, Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE

WATER SERVED HERE.

 

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF

WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

 

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE

HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL

OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN  TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

 

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:

TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT

TO SEE THE MANAGER.

 

On the grounds of a private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

 

On an Athi River highway:

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS

ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

 

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

 

One of the Mathare buildings:

MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

 

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

 

In a Pumwani maternity ward:

NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

 

In a cemetery

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM

ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

 

Sign in Japanese public bath:

FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER

DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER

IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:

PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

 

Hotel brochure, Italy:

THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE.

IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE

TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

 

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:

THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY.  DURING

THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

 

Hotel elevator, Paris:

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE

JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE

FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS

ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:

NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS

OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

 

Taken from a menu, Poland:

SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY

DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE;

BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

 

Supermarket, Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS,

EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

 

From the "Soviet Weekly":

THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000

SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE

EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

 

In an East African newspaper:

A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE

CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

 

Hotel, Vienna:

IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING

SITE THAT PEOPLE  OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND

WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED

WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF

THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE

LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

 

A laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE

AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:

TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS.

WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:

SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

 

 

Go Fly a Kite

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There is a man in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the

kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it

comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while

his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how

men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and

yells to her husband "You need more tail."

 

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up

your mind, Honey.  Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

 

 

 

 

In Poor Taste

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Frenchman is calmly having his petit dejeuner when a typical

American man, chewing gum loudly, sits beside him.  The French

ignores the American who, not happy with the silence, starts a

conversation:

 

American: Do you eat the whole bread?

 

French (in a bad mood): Oui, of course.

 

American: We don't. We only eat what is inside and the outside we

put together in a container, recycle it, transform it in croissants

and sell it to France.

 

The Frenchman listens in silence.

 

The American insists: Do you eat the jam with the bread?

 

French: Bien sur!

 

American: We don't. We eat fresh fruits for our breakfast, put all

peel, seed and the rest in containers, recycle them, transform them

into jam and sell the jam to France.

 

The French then asks: And what do you do with condoms once used?

 

American: We throw them away, off course.

 

French: We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them,

transform them into chewing gum and sell them to America.

 

 

 

Kid's Books

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

KIDS BOOKS THAT YOU WON'T SEE PUBLISHED:

 

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad

2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

3) Robert: Dad's New Wife

4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her

7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8) All Cats Go to Hell

9) The Little Sissy That Snitched

10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?

11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.

12) Grandpa Gets a Casket

13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool

14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17) Strangers Have the Best Candy

18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19) You Were an Accident

20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

22) Your Nightmares Are Real

23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?

24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown

25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from

Your Nose

 

 

 

Test Conversion

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students

included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam.

 

Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping

aloud as they realized how much material they had covered

and were expected to recall.

 

The following week the professor tossed the graded papers

on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last

week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, "Thanks, professor.

I haven't heard from some of those people in years!"

 

 

 

Memory Magic

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering

things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get

checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

 

When they arrived, they explained to the doctor about the

problems they were having with their memory.  After

checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they

were physically okay but might want to start writing things

down and make notes to help them remember things.

 

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up

from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

 

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

 

He replies, "Sure."

 

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it

down so you can remember it?"

 

He says, "No, I can remember that."

 

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries

on top.  You had better write that down cause I know

you'll forget that."

 

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice

cream with strawberries."

 

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. 

I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

 

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that

down I can remember that."  He then fumes into the kitchen.

 

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands

her a plate of bacon and eggs.

 

She stares at the plate for a moment and says,

"You forgot my toast."

 

 

Viagra Study

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

In a recent FDA study, the United States government

doctors  who were conducting studies on test drugs

administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal

number of doctors and lawyers.

 

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced

sexual prowess,  the lawyers simply grew taller.

 

The researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.

 

 

Car Ads (Part 1 of 3)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

If the ad claims... It really means:

 

- rough condition... too bad to lie about

- parts car... beyond repair

- immaculate... recently washed

- engine quiet... if you use 90-weight oil

- needs minor overhaul... needs engine

- needs major overhaul... Phone the junkyard

- burns no oil... (it all leaks out)

- rebuilt engine... Cleaned the spark plugs.

- Drive it away... I live on a hill.

- Drive it anywhere... (within 10 miles)

- desirable classic... No one wants it.

- rare classic... No one wanted it even when it was new.

- stored 20 years... (in a farmer's field)

- ran when stored... Won't start.

 

Car Ads (Part 2 of 3)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

If the ad claims... It really means:

 

- never apart... Bolts too rounded to loosen.

- solid as a rock... rusted solid

- restored, with 0 miles... Won't start.

- restored, with 2 miles... Won't keep running.

- older restoration... First owner washed it.

- good investment... Can't be worth much less.

- no time to restore it... Can't obtain parts.

- 95% complete... Other 5% doesn't exist.

- Other interests conflict... "Either that damn thing goes or I do!"

- Doesn't smoke... when it's out of oil.

- New slick racing tires... I burned the tread down to the belts.

- Re-upholstered... New K-mart seat covers and floor mats.

- Major performance upgrades... Bolted a new exhaust tip on the

   tailpipe.

 

 

Car Ads (Part 3 of 3)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

- Kept in garage... The scratches are from my cat.

- Pampered/adult-driven... I'm 17 and I think it's about to die.

- Complete restoration... New Earl Scheib paint job.

- New paint... Don't let it get wet.

- Sporty... It's got a floor shifter.

- Great family car... There's still food under the seats.

- Good school/work car... More dents than a golf ball.

- Worth $xxx--sacrifice for $xx... I can't believe I paid $xx myself.

- Lots of extras... Everything that fell off/out is in the trunk.

- Quiet engine... You can't hear it over the broken headers.

- Traction control... Starts moving only in 2nd gear.

- Race modified... It's got Japanese stickers on the back window.

- Exotic... It leaves a funny taste in your mouth.

- Precision machined... I used a degreaser.

- FAST... -ER than my mom's Geo.

 

 

 

In Demand

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Harry walks into his supervisor's office.  "Boss," he says,

"we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and

my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage,

moving and hauling stuff."

 

"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give

you the day off."

 

"Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"

 

 

After All Those Years

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for

dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy

addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey,

My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had

been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very

clearly in love.

 

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over

and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after

all the years you've been married, you still call your wife

those loving pet names."

 

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,

he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

 

 

 

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

 

 

A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to a photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.

"I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

 

 

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

 

 

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Maniac Loser Kills Beloved Family Pet."

 

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease," the doctor replies. "Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. "Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, ''but you have to leave in two days."

 

 

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."

 

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

 

 

This guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy.

The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else.

The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women.

The genie than said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"

 

 

 

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said.
"Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The second golfer replies, "Great trade!"

 

 

Alterinvitational

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Washington Post's Style Invitational again asked readers to

take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or

changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

 

- Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose

   of getting laid.

 

- Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

 

- Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

  person who doesn't get it.

 

- Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

- Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 

- Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

 

- Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

   really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and

   it's like, a serious bummer.

 

- G! libido: All talk and no action.

 

- Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when

  they come at you rapidly.

 

- Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until

  you realize it was your money to start with.

 

- Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

Slacker Patrol

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to

show everyone he means business!

 

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks,

"And how much money do you make a week?"

 

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,

"I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

 

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams,

"Here's a week's pay.  Now GET OUT and don't come back!"

 

Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks

around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker

was doing here?"

 

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering

pizza."

 

 

Newcomer

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it

is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New

York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's

more, he only speaks a few words of English."

 

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked,

"How much English can you speak?"

 

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

 

 

High Ball

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A street person approached a passerby and asked,

"Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"

 

"That's ridiculous!" the man said huffily.

 

"Just yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled, "I don't

need a damn lecture about how to run my business."

 

 

 

Redemption

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A bum asks a man for $2.

 

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No."

 

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."

 

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife

can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

 

 

 

Proof that girls are evil:

 

First we state that girls require time and money.

 

Girls = Time * Money

 

And as we all know "time is money."

 

Time = Money

 

Therefore:

 

Girls = Money * Money = (Money)²

 

And because "money is the root of all evil":

 

Money = Square Root of Evil

 

Therefore:

 

Girls = (Square Root of Evil)²

 

And we are forced to conclude that:

 

Girls = Evil

 

 

Lesson in Denial

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish

man who was now a very militant atheist.  But he sent his

son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational

roots, it's a great school and completely secular.

 

After a month, the boy came home and said casually, "By

the way Dad, I learned what Trinity means!  It means

'The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'"

 

The father could barely control his rage.  He seized his son

by the shoulders and declared, "Danny, I'm going to tell

you something now and I want you never to forget it. 

'There is only one God...  and we don't believe in him!'"

 

 

 

Cowboy Wisdom

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

 1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

 

 2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that

 comes from bad judgment.

 

 3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it

 back in.

 

 4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back

 every now and then to make sure it's still there.

 

 5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try

 orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 

 6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

 

 7. There's two theories to arguin' with the foreman. Neither one

 works.

 

 8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop

 diggin'.

 

 9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

 

10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

 

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

 

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

13. There are three kinds of people:

a. The ones that learn by reading,

b. the few who learn by observation, and

c. the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see if it's hot.

 

-----

 

True to Life

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Top 25 Classic Country Songs:

 

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car

      Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over

      You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

 

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

 

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up

With A Few

 

 

Wakeup Call

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He

explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want

you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in

Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get

off in Buffalo."

 

The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was

furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful

before hustling off to purchase a return ticket.

 

After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you

stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?"

 

"That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard

the guy who I put off in Buffalo!"

 

 

Grey Poupon

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

(This is a true story. If you have children you will

probably relate to this father. The names have been

changed to protect the dignity of the father...)

 

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab

of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of

expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners

of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the

picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both

hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my

sandwich," she said.

 

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder

and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I

noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love

mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was

not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It

was the first and only time I have sprinted with my

tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did

the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it

on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from

laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they

call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

 

 

 

End to the Battle

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Are you tired of the battle between the sexes? Men and women

are different. There's no question about it. But instead of focusing

on the negative qualities of men and women, why not celebrate the

positive qualities?

 

Let's start with the Ladies:

 

- - Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.

 

- - Women cry when they are happy.

 

- - Women are always doing little things to show they care.

 

- - They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their

     children (best school, best prom dress, best dentist)

 

- - Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired

     they can hardly stand up.

 

- - They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.

 

- - Women know how to get the most for their money

 

- - They know how to comfort a sick friend.

 

- - Women bring joy and laughter to the world.

 

- - The know how to entertain children for hours on end!

 

- - They are honest and loyal.

 

- - Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.

 

- - They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.

 

- - Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.

 

- - They know how to make a man feel like a king.

 

- - Women make the world a much happier place to live.

 

Now, for the Men:

 

Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.

 

 

Tale Come True

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for

her would be to have a companion.  So, off she went to the pet shop.

 

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd

just walk around until she found just the "right one."  She went past

the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the

preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,

and past the colorful fish.

 

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was

looking for.  She decided to go around the store again.

 

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel.  At the

bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad.  When she

looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself!

 

She couldn't believe it.  She rather quickly went back to the other

pets on display.

 

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling

kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,

and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her.  She was

starting to get discouraged.  So, she figured one last time around,

just in case she missed something.

 

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that

nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!  This

was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about ran over

to the other pets.

 

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but

not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or

golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.

Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

 

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. 

As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most

beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. 

He even sniffed a bit.  This was too much for our widow, she

started heading for the exit in a hurry.

 

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just

as lonely as she was.  Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one

would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets

available.

 

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take

the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box.  When she

got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and

proceeded to drive home.

 

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming From

the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the

toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could

it hurt?)

 

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept

winking at her and throwing her kisses.  She finally thought, "oh

heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

 

And POOF!  He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!

 

And do you know what SHE turned into?

 

The first motel she came to...

 

 

Childlike Science

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Silly Science From 5th And 6th Graders...

 

**The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. 

The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

 

**It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other

places.

 

**Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

 

**Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look

like umbrellas.

 

**The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

 

**The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

 

**Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

 

**Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but

I never have been able to make out the numbers.

 

**When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are

orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

 

**One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.

 

**A monsoon is a French gentleman.

 

**To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

 

**Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,

why you should.

 

**Water vapor gets together in a big cloud.  When it gets big enough

to be called a drop, it does.

 

**There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the

Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

 

**The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  Evaporation

gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

 

**You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting

hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

 

 

Making Change

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A protestor said to his girlfriend, "I'm on my way to pick

up my unemployment check. Then I've got to go to the

university to see what's holding up this month's Federal

Education Grant. Meanwhile you can go over to the Free

Clinic and check up on your tests. And right after I

stop by the Welfare Department to see if they will up

our eligibility limit again I'll meet you at the Federal

Building for the demonstration against this rotten,

oppressive establishment!"

 

 

Long Way Around

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the

following exchange:

 

   Officer:

   May I see your driver's license?

 

   Driver:

   I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

 

   Officer:

   May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

 

   Driver:

   It's not my car. I stole it.

 

   Officer:

   The car is stolen?

 

   Driver:

   That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's

   card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

 

   Officer:

   There's a gun in the glove box?

 

   Driver:

   Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman

   who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

 

   Officer:

   There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

 

   Driver:

   Yes, sir.

 

   Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.  The car

   was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the

   driver to handle the tense situation:

 

   Captain:

   Sir, can I see your license?

 

   Driver:

   Sure. Here it is.

 

   It was valid.

 

   Captain:

   Who's car is this?

 

   Driver:

   It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

 

   The driver owned the car.

 

   Captain:

   Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun

   in it?

 

   Driver:

   Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 

   Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 

   Captain:

   Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a

   body in it.

 

   Driver:

   No problem.

 

  Trunk is opened; no body.

 

   Captain:

   I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told

   him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the

   glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

 

   Driver:

   Yeah, and I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too...

 

 

 

Overdrive

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed

to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her

grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart

attack during sex on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for

trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday

morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out

with the dongs."

 

She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice

cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."

 

 

What a Prize!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they

end up leaving together.

 

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment

where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy

bears.  Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the

floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears

on the top shelf.

 

The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of

teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not

to mention it.  He turned to her... they kissed... and then they

ripped each other's clothes off and made passionate love.

 

After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together

in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question

that all men seem to ask at some point: "Well, how was it?"

 

The woman says, "You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

 

Fear Support

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

You know when the recordings are always saying, "This conversation

may be recorded for quality assurance purposes?"  Well, this the

support conversations are really a source of amusement, and God knows

those in support need amusement.  How else can they put up with the

silly thoughtless questions?

 

Here are some conversations, which had actually happened between

help desk people and their customers:

 

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a

document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What

does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system

disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24

hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."

Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"

Customer: "No, I  only have 3 of them."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a

pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until

this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"

Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still

getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to

work?"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer "No..."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support: ?@#$?

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"

Customer: "A white one."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server

or Workstation version?"

Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a

server?"

Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"

Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"

Customer: "Which one is that?"

Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."

Customer: "Ok, thanks."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"

Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)

Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"

Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."

Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.

You need to--"

Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have

to try a few times, and it will let me through."

Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now

because you're on the phone with me."

Customer: "It must be busy.  I'll try again later."

 

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I can't log in to my account."

Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."

Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."

Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID'

field?"

Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"

Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery

store."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"

Customer: "Pentium."

 

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a

database!"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

 

 

 

 

Constant Complaint

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've

been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained

about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food."

 

The other woman said, "That's awful.  Doesn't it bother you?"

 

The first one replied, "Oh, no.  Not in the slightest."

 

"You must be a saint!" commented the second. 

 

To which, the first woman replied, "Why should I object? 

A lot of people don't like their own cooking."

 

 

 

Lost & Found

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.

For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.

He had not eaten anything during this period and was

famished. 

 

Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and

started to eat it.  Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to

find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered

species.

 

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming

that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from

starvation.

 

The judge ruled in his favor.

 

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man,

"I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.

I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor do I ever plan on it.

Tell me...  What did it taste like?"

 

The man answered after a moment of thought, "Well, it tasted like a

cross between whooping crane and spotted owl!"

 

So Much To Live For

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on

the edge, about to jump off.  I immediately ran over and said

 

"Stop!  Don't do it!"

 

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

 

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

 

"Like what?"

 

"Well ...  are you religious or atheist?"

 

"Religious."

 

"Me too!  Are you Christian or Jewish?"

 

"Christian."

 

"Me too!  Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

 

"Protestant."

 

"Me too!  Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

 

"Baptist."

 

"Wow!  Me too!  Are you Baptist Church of God or

Baptist Church of the Lord?"

 

"Baptist Church of God."

 

"Me too!  Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or

are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

 

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

 

"Wow!  Me too!  Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,

reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God,

reformation of 1915?"

 

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

 

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

 

 

THE LOVE DRESS

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

 

 

A common change?

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

 

 

A sign outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

 

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

 

 

THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...
Part I

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 

THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...
Part II

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them

 

 

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"

 

 

A woman broke up with me and sent me some pictures of her and her new boyfriend smooching. Solution??
I sent them to her father.

 

 

 

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His concerned wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a consoling word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

 

 

 

"Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

They paused then started to laugh.

 

 

"OLD" IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

 

 

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on her rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

 

 

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number..." replied the girl.

 

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been

feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and

comes back with three different bottles of pills.

 

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of

water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of

water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the

red pill with another big glass of water."

 

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My

goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

 

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

 

 

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school

activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To

add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I

instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of

any item by writing it down on a note pad on the efrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT,

WRITE IT DOWN."

 

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I

found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-

FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"

 

 

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

 

 

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear him say, "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

 

 

 

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

 

 

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked the new husband.

"Toast and juice," she replied.

 

 

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

 

 

Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be too, if you sit down.

 

 

A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, little man!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

 

 

Male: So, what do you do for a living?
Female: I'm a female impersonator.

 

 

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

 

 

 

Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

 

 

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

 

 

Happy Birthday

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom!
He was 90!!

 

 

Who Reads What and Why? Part I

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

 

 

Who Reads What and Why? Part II

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

 

 

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

Damn! It's good to be a man...
Part I

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a damn if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this
one's just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

 

 

 

Damn! It's good to be a man...
Part II

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Damn! It's good to be a man...
Part III (Last one, I promise)

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

DAMN, IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN

 

 

 

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

Cross Meaning

 

1.  What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,Oval,delicious and

contains thin whitish liquid ?

A.  Coconut

 

2. What's about 6 inches long,has a vein running down it and women love to

get their hands on ?

A. 100 bucks note

 

3.  What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?

A.  Bubblegum

 

4.      What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog

do on three legs?

A.      Shake hands

 

5.    What is that a woman has two and a cow has four ?

A.    Legs

 

 

The Who am I ? series......

 

 

1.  I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a

big swinger. Who am I?

A. Crane

 

2.You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet

before you do. Who am I?

A. Tent

 

3. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man

always has me first.

A. Wedding ring

 

4. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,I drip.When you blow me,you feel

good.

A. Nose

 

5. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.I come with a quiver.

A. Arrow

 

6.I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm

better in your hand than in your Bush.

A. Bird

 

 

The Sunday Evil

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where

patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m.,

regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some

even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate

the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before

11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for

themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding

wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy

 > objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11,....

 

 >

 >

 >

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and  unplugged

the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

 

 

Have fun pronouncing it! Let's see how good you can twist your

tongue.

But be careful not to get your tongue twisted by the tongue twister.

Start.....!

 

Peter bought a butter, The butter Peter bought was bitter, So Peter

Bought A better butter, To make the bitter butter better.

 

 

 

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a

peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

 

 

 

Betty Botter had some butter,But," she said, "this butter's bitter.

If I bake this bitter butter,it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter-that would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, And she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.

 

 

 

A big black bug bit a big black bear,made the big black bear bleed

blood.

 

 

 

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

 

 

 

She sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are

Surely seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

 

 

 

Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.

 

 

 

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said

The fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

 

 

 

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

 

 

 

Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

 

 

 

A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter

Better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

 

 

 

Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed

 

Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See,Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!

 

 

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck

wood?

He would chuck,he would,as much as he could,and chuck as much wood as a

Wood chuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

 

 

Which witch wished which wicked wish?

 

 

Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep

Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;sheep should sleep in a sack.

 

 

 

At a beauty pageant, the final question for the crown:

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms America: ___Because it stands every time it sees a woman........

{Applause! Applause!)

 

 

Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull).

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening (Applause!

Applause!)

 

 

Ms Philippines: ___Well, I can say that male organs In our country are like gossip or rumors.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Philippines: ____Because it passes from mouth to mouth (Applause!

Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause!)

 

Ms Iran: ____Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Iran: ____Because they like to enter through the back door (Applause!

Applause! Laughter! Laughter!)

 

Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that male organs in Malaysia are like the

Proton car.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Malaysia: Because it looks tough but is actually very soft (Applause!

Applause! Laughter! Laughter!)

 

Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very "Kiasu"

(Afraid to lose).

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over (Applause!)

 

Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like laborers.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms India: Because it works day and night... (Applause! Applause! Applause!

Applause! Applause!

And the Indian Beauty is crowned Miss Universe!!!!!!)