A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

 

As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

 

Time is like money: you can either spend, waste, or invest!

 

Quality is presence of value and not absence of mistake.

 

Have a place for everything and have everything in its place.

 

Don't count the days, make the days count.

 

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

 

Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die!

 

No man is rich enough to buy back his past.

 

Every fool knows that he cannot reach the stars but it never keeps a wise man from trying.

 

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

 

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

 

Great minds ... discuss ideas. Average minds ... discuss events. Small minds ... discuss people.

 

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?

 

The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

 

Parkinson's Law: Work tends to expand to fill the time allotted

 

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

 

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

 

Put duties aside at least an hour before bed and perform soothing, quiet activities that will help you relax.

 

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

 

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You have got to set your self on fire for it.

 

Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.

 

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

 

Every experience you have is designed to make you stronger.

 

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.

 

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

 

What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls the beginning.

 

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

 

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.

 

Positive something is better than negative anything.

 

Goals are dreams with deadlines.

 

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

 

If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns

 

I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.

 

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

 

Truth is the only safe ground to stand on.

 

The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.

 

Many a man is praised for his reserve and so-called shyness when he is simply too proud to risk making a fool of himself.

 

Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.

 

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

 

Anyone can escape into sleep, we are all geniuses when we dream, the butcher's the poet's equal there.

 

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

 

The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value.

 

Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.

 

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

 

Truth is the only safe ground to stand on.

 

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

 

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.

 

A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward.

 

Men will spend their health getting wealth. Then, gladly pay all they have earned to get health back.

 

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.

 

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

 

The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant.

 

You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.

 

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

 

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.

 

If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.

 

If you train hard, you'll not only be hard, you'll be hard to beat.

 

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

 

Whoso neglects learning in his youth, Loses the past and is dead for the future.

 

True success is overcoming the fear of being unsuccessful.

 

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

 

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

 

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.

 

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

 

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.

 

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

 

One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment.

 

Don't take life seriously because you can't come out of it alive.

 

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.

 

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

 

It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

 

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.

 

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

 

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

 

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.

 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

 

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

 

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

 

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.

 

What lies behind ourselves and what lies ahead of ourselves are small matters compared to what lies within ourselves.

 

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

 

Character is made by what you stand for; reputation, by what you fall for.

 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

 

Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

 

Presence is more than just being there. If your absence doesn't make any difference, your presence won't either.

 

People who are often in a hurry imagine they are energetic, when in most cases they are simply inefficient.

 

Never confuse having a career with having a life.

 

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

 

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

 

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

 

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

 

It is not that we don't know the right answers, it is just that we don't ask the right questions.

 

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

 

All your dreams come true, if you have the courage to pursue them.

 

Coming together is a beginning, Staying together is progress, Working together is success.

 

Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

 

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.

 

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.

 

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

 

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

 

 All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness.

 

All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it

 

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

 

Wisdom whispers, foolishness shouts

 

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"

 

Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.

 

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

 

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts  working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office"

 

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it"

 

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength"

 

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it"

 

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at
TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to
communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

- God is like BAYER ASPIRIN - - He workss miracles.

- God is like a FORD - - He's got a bettter idea.

- God is like COKE - - He's the real thiing.

- God is like HALLMARK CARDS - - He carees enough to send His very   best.

- God is like TIDE - - He gets the stainns out that others leave   behind.

- God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC - - He brrings good things to life.

- God is like SEARS - - He has everythinng.

- God is like ALKA-SELTZER - - Try him -- you'll like Him.

- God is like SCOTCH TAPE -  - You can't see him, but you know He's there.

- God is like DELTA - - He's ready when you are.

- God is like ALLSTATE - - You're in goood hands with Him.

- God is like VO-5 Hair Spray - -He holdds through all kinds of weather.

- God is like DIAL SOAP - -Aren't you gllad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.

- God is like the U.S. POST OFFICE - -Neeither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

 

 

GOD IS GREAT. HE NEVER LETS US DOWN, ONLY WE DON'T HAVE PATIENCE TO WAIT FOR HIS GIFT

 

~~

 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
 No = Yes
 Maybe = No
 We need... = I want..
 I am sorry = you'll be sorry
 We need to talk = I need to complain
 Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
 Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
 I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
 Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
 You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
 Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
 You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
 Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
 It's your decision = The correct decision should beobvious by now
 You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever  think about?
 I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
 How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

 MEN'S ENGLISH:
 I am hungry = I am hungry
 I am sleepy = I am sleepy
 I am tired = I am tired
 Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
 I love you = Let's have sex now
 I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
 What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
 May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
 Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
 Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
 Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
 Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
 You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have  sex  with  you within the next 3 mins
 Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you
 I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

~~

Khusra wants to join the army , Officer says u cant as u dont have a lund . Khusra says Bhenchod banduk chlawani hai ya maa chudwani hai.

~~

I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because  I'm overworked.
 
The population of this country is 237 million. 
104 million are retired. 
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal  government.  This leaves 19 million to do the work. 

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves  15 million to do the work.
 
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work  for State and City Government and that leaves 
200,000 to do the work. 

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 
12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
 
And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired,  I'm the only one working.

 

~~

 

I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit
the ball as far as I can throw the clubs.
 
~~

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in  it.

 

~~

 

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, sir, that you will die either by hanging or of  some vile disease." 

Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

 

~~

 

Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before
they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a
90-year-old grandmother.

Soon the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food."  The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread!" "War is War, bring  us the food."  So he gives his last morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine." "But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!" "War is  War, bring us the wine." So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman." "But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 90 year old grandmother!" "War is War, bring her to us."  The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it  and say, "We'll let you off this time." Granny says, "The  hell you will, War is War!!!"

 

Dog Quotations
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."


"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
 

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
 

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
 

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his  life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such
devotion."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
 

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."

 

Cocktail Party
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband.
But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. 

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

 

~~

 

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the gutsto bite people themselves."

 

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business  visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The
man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel,
and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they  came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and
clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said  the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after  a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them  through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on
his side, licking his own butt.  He seemed unaware of  the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he
doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

 

~~

 

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.  Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and
flashes them.

The first lady has a stroke.

The second lady has a stroke.

But the third lady doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.

 

 

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd
like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's  orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

 

~~

 

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

 

~~

 

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,  the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
 
Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
 
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
 
The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."
 
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.

Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

~~

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
 
~~

Oh, friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

 

~~

 

On a Transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.  The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular starts to lose it. 

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.  Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!  I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman!  Well, I've had it!  Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" 

For a moment there is silence.  Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.  Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.  "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.  He's gorgeous.  Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.  No one moves. 
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.  He removes his shirt.  Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman.

Then he whispers, "Iron this."

 

~~

 

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and  asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

"Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

"That won't do you any good," the pharmacist said.

"That's all right," the elderly gentleman said, "I don't need them for sex anymore, as I am over 80 years old.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

 

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter.
He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle.
BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"My point, exactly."

 

~~

 

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol  bottles, such as:
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
 
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and  or name you can't remember).
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of  inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that  you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
 
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
 
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

~~

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.

~~

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

 

Spaghetti
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.  Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy
and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange
postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack - and died.

So the wife picked up the cord and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

 

Hard Workers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black  penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."

The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

 

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out that I just wanted paychecks.

 

 

In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather miniskirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step.

A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step-and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.  Well, she went ballistic and turned on  the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would  agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

~~

 

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
 
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. 

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. 

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. 
 
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. 
 
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. 
 
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"  
 

~~

 

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously,  and a genie appeared.
 
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
 
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
 
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

A Different Use
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.  One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and  continued smoking.

"What's that?," asked the first old lady.

"A condom," says the second.

"Where'd you get it?" the first old lady inquired.

"You can get them at any drugstore," replied the second.

The next day, the first old lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she  wanted to buy a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The druggist fainted.

 

Actual Sentences
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sentences taken from actual letters received by the local Welfare Department from applicants.

* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I have 7, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper.

* I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

* I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why?

* I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

* This is my 8th child. What are you going to do about it?

* Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now live with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

* I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 3 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

* My husband got his project cut off 2 weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

* You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

* I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

* I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for 2 weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

 

~~

 

Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked, "Martha,
you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"
 
The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm or Nationwide."

 

~~

 

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.
 
Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
 
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"
 
The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."
 
So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.
 
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.
 
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. The wife was bouncing around and the husband was jumping up and down until about 5 minutes later when they both fell to the ground.  They lay there a minute, got up and shook themselves and got dressed.
 
As they walked back towards the road, the cop jumped out and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
 
"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."

 

~~

 

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. "Oops."
2. "Rats, I forgot my glasses again."
3. "Dang it, not again."
4. "Hey bring that back!! Bad dog. A human bone is no toy for a dog!"
5. "Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
6. "Shoot, I can't get my arm out of her back. Were going to have to cut it off."
7. "And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."
8. "That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch?
9. "What? They're missing that too? Oh well, I guess we'll have to try how to remember how to do surgery."
10. "What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"
11. "Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff  before?"
12. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot- the guy's got two of 'em."
13. "Could you stop that thing from thumping, it's throwing my concentration off."
14. "You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise him."
15. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
16. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
17. "Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."
18. "Um, is this thing supposed to be moving? Cause I think  it's about to choke the patient." 
 

Growing Greens
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I read this a long time ago in a magazine. 

A mother was trying to get her son to eat spinach (which he hated).
He absolutely refused to eat it!  So, thinking she would substitute another green vegetable that was just as nutritious, she served her son asparagus. 

When her son looked at his plate, he gasped in fright "Oh, no, spinach legs!"

 

Dear Pastor
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold.  Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week.  I am Peter Peterson.  Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister.  Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance.  Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?  Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious.  She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.  Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.  Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.  Loreen.  Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.  Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots.  I am flying to California tomorrow.  Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner.
Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.  Thank you.  Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments.  But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.  Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to?  Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth?  I think there may be one in my class.  Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday.  Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people?  Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

 

~~

 

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure
do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

 

~~

 

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and both feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. The sight of the pretty lady in the wavy
dress has obviously excited him.

The husband, noticing the gorilla's excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom and play along. She does so, which gets our gorilla even more excited. The beast makes noises that could wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and it looks like Mr. Gorilla will tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs," the helpful husband  says. The gorilla goes absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly, the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell  HIM you have a headache."

 

~~

 

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award.  This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America.  "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

1.  The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.  It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2.  Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3.  Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4.  Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.  Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5.  When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.  Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6.  Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7.  An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

8.  Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9.  The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect.  Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10.     Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11.  When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12.  When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero)
in Spanish! 

~~

Hello! Main hun "Thee Loin King.....Ajit"

AJIT: Raabert, isko Great Wall of China le jaakar phansi mein laga do, great 'wall hanging' ban jayegi

AJIT: Raabert,is ko microprocessor may daal do !
Bit by bit mar jaayga gaa saala!

AJIT: Raabert, is ko liquid oxygen may daal do !
Liquid issay jeenay nahi day gaa, oxygen issay marnay nahi day gaa!

AJIT: Raabert, Dayna (Diana) ko thoda khatta khila do, yeh dayna se daynasour bhi ho jayegi, phir extinct bhi...

AJIT: Raabert, isey thodi shampane pila do, paheley shame sey, phir pane sey mar jayegaa...

AJIT: Raabert, isey peekak paisan pila do, yeh more sey no-more ho jayegaa...

AJIT:Mona daarrling, tum Toni ke saath ghuumna band kar do, nahin to bahut MonaToni ho jayegee...

AJIT:"Robert, Harshad Mehta the Bull ka stool test karaao" "Kyon boss?"
"Pata to chale akhir ye Bullshit kya hota hai"

AJIT: Maikal, ise liquid helium mein daal ke 440 V pass kar do.
Phir yeh superconductor ban jaayega, aur zindagi bhar ticket kaat-ta reh jaayega.

Maikal: Baaas, yeh aadmi to kuch bol hi nahin raha hai. Kya karen ?
Ajit: Ise revaalving chair mein daal do.
Pata chal jaayega chakkar kya hai.

Robert: Boss, Sona kahan hai ? ( Where is the Gold ? )
AJIT: Kahin par bhi so jao Robert !!

(Scene - Robert gets a sidey to Ajit.)
Robert: Boss, humne sidey ko pakad liya
AJIT: Ise maar ke pulees station ke saamne rakh do. Aur iske badan par ek sui chubha do.
Robert: Par sui kyon, baass!
AJIT: Bewakoof! Pulees yeh samjhegi ki sui-cide hua hai!

Robert: Boss, mere teen bacche hue. Unko kya naam doon?
AJIT:Ek ka naam rakhna Peter, doosre ka Maikal, aur teesre ka Cha Ling Chu.
Robert: Par Cha Ling Chu kyoon?
AJIT: Bewakoof, duniya ka har teesra bacchaa Chinese hota hai!

(Scene - Ajit thoroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.)
AJIT: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Robert: Magar kyoon baas ?
AJIT: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

AJIT:Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger istarrt kar do.
Robert: Lekin kyoon, baas?
AJIT:Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.

AJIT: Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
Robert: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakke maar raha hai.
Ajit: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega.
Lunch break mein usse phone milana.
Robert: Yes Boss.
AJIT: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare kabze mein hai .......

(Scene - Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.)
AJIT: Peter, time bomb le aao aur is kutte ko usse bandh do.
Timer ko theek das baje set kar do.
Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez hamesha late karta hai.
Iski maut bhi late honi chahiye. Timer ko panch minute late rakh do.
Arre, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow, time bomb ko yahan peh mat rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking' area hai. Ha haa ha.
Time bomb 'tic tic tic tic' karke bajega.
Aur iska dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhadkega.
Tum agar paas me khade hoge to tumko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup' suanaai dega ..."

(Scene - Ajit ordering his chela to kill the enemy.)
AJIT: "Robert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur finish bhi ho jaayega.

Bob: Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
AJIT: Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!

(Scene - Ajit ordering his chela to kill the enemy.)
AJIT: "Robert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal do.
Saale ko Society jeene nahin degi aur security marne nahin degi.

(Scene - Robert and Ajit are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs
a hole and water starts coming inside. Robert is perplexed !)
Robert: Boss ab kya hoga ??
AJIT: Robert Ek aur hole bana do, aur ek hole me IN
aur doosre me OUT likh do. Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chala jayega !!

(Scene - Ajit get's hold of his favourite hero & then directs his chela.)
AJIT: Maikal, Is saale ke ek haath mein laal aur doosre haath mein hara rang laga do.
Maikal: Lekin kyon baas?
AJIT: Bewakoof, itnaa bhi nahin jaanta? Jab pulice yehaan aayegi to ise range haathon pakad legi. he he he....

Robert: Boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Ajit: Goli maar do. Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.

Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.
Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Robert: Magar kyoon baas ?
Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

Ajeet: Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger starrt kar do.
Robert: Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet: Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.

Ajeet: Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
Robert: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.
Ajeet: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.
Robert: Yes Boss.
Ajeet: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare
kabze mein hai .......

Scene: Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang.
Ajeet: Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal tho, agar Shame se nahi mara
to Pain se mar jayega.

Scene: Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.
Ajeet: Peter, time bomb le aao aur is saale ko usse bandh do. Timer ko teek das bajhe set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez hamesha late karta hai. Iska mauth bhi late hona chahiye. Timer ko
panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow, time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking' area hai. Ha haa ha. Time bomb 'tic tic tic tic' karke bajega. Aur iska
dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhatakega. Tum agar paas me khade hoge to tumko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup' suanaai dega"

Ajeet: Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega aur mit bhi jayega

Robert: Boss! Aaap ko kaun si teen chiz sabse jahyahda pasand hein boss?
Ajeet: Ek Mona, Doosra Sona, aur Tisra, Mona ke saath Sona

Peter: Boss? Sona kahan hei?
Ajeet: Tum chahe jahan bhi sona, lekin mujhe to Mona darling ke saath sona!

Scene: Ajeet spots one of his enemies...
Ajeet: Maikal, woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa hai, woh hamara mehman hai.
Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir woh do ghadi ka mehman ho jayega !

Scene: Ajeet is escaping with his men in a helicopter...
Ajeet: Kuch hee der mein hamara helicopter hindustan ki sarhadon ke pare door birmingham mein hoga. Wahaan tumhe ek kaale rang ki sioorlett (cheverlett) nazar aayegi. Wo tumhe signal degee...on..off..on..off
Robert : Boss..hamara signal kya hoga ?
Ajeet : bewkoof...off..on..off..on...

Robert: Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi dega, aur oxygen ise marne nahi dega.

Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Peter! Is saale ko super-conductor me daal do, saala bus mein ticket dete-dete thak jayega.

Peter: Boss is saale ka kya karen ?
Ajeet: Ise microprocessor mein daal do...BIT by BIT marega !

Robert: aur boss..iska kya karen ?
Ajeet:Ise hamlet poison khilado...woh to be se not to be ho jaayega!

Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet: "Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur finish bhi ho jaayega.

Bob: Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
Ajeet: Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!

Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet: "Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal doo. Saale ko Society jeene nahin degea aur security isse marne nahin degea.

Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole and water starts coming inside. Raabert is perplexed !
Robert: Boss ab kya hoga ??
Ajeet: Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me out lik do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chale jayega !!

Scene: Ajeet is worried about something. Robert is facing him.
Ajeet: Shanker kaal bahuth bada maal Versova beach per aane wala hain.....
A pause..... Tum chootti le lo.

Scene: Raabert had twins and comes to the "Boss".....
Robert: Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye..
Ajeet : Ek ka naam rakho Peter....
Robert: boss or doosre ka ?
Ajeet: Repeater.

Scene: Raabert had triplet and comes to the "Boss".....
Robert: Boss, mera teen bachche ka keya naam shoche hein aap?
Ajeet: Ek Naam rakhkho, Peter, Repeater aur Wang Chung.
Robert: Teesra ka naam "Wang Chung" kiu boss???!!!
Ajeet: Beokuf, tumhe malum nehi...is prithwi me paida hone waalaa har teesra bachcha Chinese hota hai.

Ajeet: Raabert, is bail kaa stool test karo.
Robert: Stool, boss ?
Ajeet: Aakhir pataa chale ki ye bullshit kya cheez hai.

Scene: Ajeet get's hold of his favourite hero & then directs his chela.
Ajeet: Maikal, Is saale ke ek haath mein laal aur doosre haath mein hara rang laga do.
Maikal: Lekin kyon baas?
Ajeet: Bewakoof, itnaa bhi nahin jaanta? Jab pulice yehaan aayegi to ise range haathon pakad legi. he he he....

Scene: Raabert and Ajeet go for shikar...Raabert spots a peacock...
Robert: Boss....more.. more...
Ajeet picks up the peacock, shoots it and says...
Ajeet : Nomore !

Robert: Bass is gaddar ka kya karen ?
Ajeet : ise sui chubho chubho kar mar daalo... pulees samjhegi sui-cide
hua hai.

Peter: bass yeh aadmi to kuchh boal hee nahin rahaa...
Ajeet: Ise revolving chair pe bitha do, pataa to lage chakkar kya hai.

Ajeet: Mona, tum Toni se shaadi mat karnaa, bahut mona-toni ho jaegi.

Ajeet: Raabert, dayna (Diana) ko kuch khatta pila do.
Robert: kyu boss ?
Ajeet: Bewkoof, woh dayna se daynasour ho jayegi, phir extinct kar dena.

Crazy dialogues delivered by Ajit from some of his Hindi Movies contributed by s.c.i netters including Talvinder Chawla (Ricky).

AJIT: "Mona daarrling, tum nahane jao. Michael tum bhi saath jao. Aur mere King Cobra ko lekar uske daanth ki safai bhi kar do."

"Mona daaling, tum Tony ke saath math jao. Agar jaogi to tum, MonaTony ho jaogi. Lisa ke saath jao aur MonaLisa ban jao. Lisa daaarrling. Come here baby. Abhey Micheal, idhar aa jao. In babiyon ko lekar apne estate bungalow pahuncho."

AJIT: "Is ex-Miss India ko Middle East lekar maar daalo. Marne ke baath bhi will not rest in peace. Nahin to Hemendra Godbole ka crossword puzzle ka anagram clue de do, uska 'real fun' se 'funeral' ho jayega."

AJIT: "Shut up Raabert, main sub jhanta hoon. Magar I wanted to get it straight out of the horse's mouth. Ha ha haa. Yeh dekho --- 'dishooom' 'disshhooom' --- bechara Billoo mar gaya. Raabert, Yeh hai the actual horse's 'mauth'."

AJIT: "Magar Raaaabert, mard aur mouse mein ek pharak hai"

RAABERT: "Woh kyaa hai baaaasss ?"

AJIT: "Kuch mardon ko 'Mousiji' hoti hai, magar mouse ko
kabhi 'mardji' nahin hoti."

Here is another contribution:

Scene: Ajit is leering at a girl who happens to be the sister of one of the extras.

Extra: ``Saab bechaari goongi hai.''
Ajit: ``are hum kahaaN usse ramayan padhvaane jaa rahe haiN.''

 

Gabbar Singh and Software Consultants

GABBAR: Kittnay bug thay?

KALIA: Do sardaar.

GABBAR: Woh do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhee fix nahin kar sake? Kya soch kay aaye thay? Sardar khus hoga. Naya assignment dega, kyoon? Overtime cut hey.....

[Snatches a X terminal from a SIDEY.]

Kitne session hain is machine mein?

SIDEY: Chhay sardar.

GABBAR: Session chhay aur programmer teen. Bahoot nainsaafi hai. [logout.. logout.. logout...] Haan.. ab theek hai... Ab hum operating system switch karega.
Ab konse session me konsi operating system hein hume nahi pata. humko kuch nahi pata.....
Jab yahase hazaro hazaro mil dur job per programmer internet se file download karta hein, to boss kaheta he ke logout ho ja nahi to gabbar ka virus aa jayega.
Aur tum teen programmer ne gabbar ki company ka stock pura mittime mila diya.
Iski saja milegi.. Zarooor milegi!
Tera kyaa hoga kaalia?

KAALIA: Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha hai.

GABBAR: To aab documentation likh

Sholay & Body Shoppers

After giving up 'goondagiri', Veeru has now joined an Indian body shopper and has become a Computer Consultant. Jay goes to Mausi for 'Basanti kaa haath mangane'..........

MAUSI: Bura nahin maanna beta, itna to poochna hi padtha hai ki ladke ka khandaan kya hai, uske lakshan kaise hain, kamaata kitna hai, US me masters kiya he...

AMITABH: kamaane ka to ye hai mausi, ki ek baar biwi baccho
ki jimmewari sar pe aa gai, to consultant ka kaam chod kar
regular employee hoga aur phir kamaane bhi lagega.

MAUSI: to kya abhi kucch bhi nahin kamaata?

AMITABH: nai, nai, ye maine kab kahaa mausi. kamaata hai lekin, ab roj roj to 'client' mil nahi sakta na, kabhi kabhi "BENCH" per baith jaata hai bechara.

MAUSI: BENCH pe bhi aana jana hai?

AMITABH: haan mausi, ab ye kambakht Computer Consultancy cheej hi aisi hai. Aur bench par to bade bade log jeseke bill gates, andrew grove, larry allison bhi betha karte the.

MAUSI: to kya programmer hai?

AMITABH: chee, chi, chi, chee, chee! wo aur programmer?
NAA! NAA!! wo to bahut hi acchhaa aur nek ladka hai, lekin waise ek baar kisi desi body shopper ke haat lag jaye na phir 'language/RDBMS/QA' ka kahaan hosh rahta hai! haath pakad ke 'IDMS' ya 'QA'karvaane bithadiya desi ne, ab isme bechaare Veeru ka kya dosh.

MAUSI: theek kahte ho beta, programmer woh, DBA woh, DESI ke paas kaam karta hai woh, lekin uska koi dosh nahin.

AMITABH: mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samajh rahen hai, wo to itna seedha aur bhola hai, arey Basanti se uski shaadi kar ke to dekhiye, ye 'programming', 'DBA' aur 'client ke paas jane ki aadat' to do din main chhoot jayegi.

MAUSI: arey beta is budhiya ko samjha rahe ho! apne COMPUTER CONSULTANTS ko chod dene ki aadat kisi body shopper ki chhooti hai aaj tak?

AMITABH: mausi aap Veeru ko nahin jaanti, biswaas kijiye wo is tarah ka insaan nahin hai. ek baar shaadi ho gai to wo 'PAGER' bhi rakhna band kar dega, bas PROGRAMMING apne aap chhoot jayegi.

MAUSI: hai raam, bas yehi ek kami baaki rah gai thi, to kya PAGER bhi rakhta hai?

AMITABH: to usme kaun si buri baat hai mausi, arey PAGER to PRESIDENT,VP, CEO aur unchey-unchey log rakhte hai haan.

MAUSI: accha! to beta ye bhi batate jaao ki tumhare ye gunwaan dost assal me kis company ke employee hai?

AMITABH: bas mausi, hum 'trace' kar rahe hai, original H1 milte hi company ka pata chal jayega aur hum aapko khabar de denge.

MAUSI: ek baat ki daad dungi beta, bhale sow buraiyaan hon tumhare dost main, phir bhi tumhare muh se uske liye tareef hi nikalti hai.

AMITABH: kya karoon mausi, hum body shoppers log hi kucch aise hai. to ye rista pakka samjhoon.

MAUSI: pakka! bhale saari jindagi ladki kuwaari baithi rahe,lekin aise aadmi se Basanti ko nahin byahne waali, sagi mausi hoon koi sauteli maan nahin.

AMITABH: ajeeeeb baaat hai, mere itne samjhaane par bhi aapne inkaar kar diya, bechaara Veeru, na jaane ab agla client kaha milega!!

 

She's Got Legs
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him.  As he sits down, the  bartender comes over and asks for their order.  The man says, "I'll have a beer."  He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's
yours?"  "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40  please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll  have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the
exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?"  asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.  Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket  every time?"  the bartender asks.

"Well," says the man.  "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right!  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

What A Guy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson.  There's a guy who did everything right.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab.  It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.  He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap.  Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with.  He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

 

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her  parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

 

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother  do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

----

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did,
she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice
daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck
with your tomatoes?"

"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

 

~~

 

Did you know there are different types of orgasms?
check these out......
The positive orgasm:   "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH  YESSSS!"
The negative orgasm:   "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH  NOOO!"
The spiritual orgasm:  "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"
The fake orgasm:       "Oh Richard, Ohh  Richard,Oh Reeeechaaaaard!!!!!
The Indian Classical Orgasm :  'Nahi  Nahiiii Nahii ....'
The Rock 'n' Roll orgasm :   'O Baby, Obaby.... O baby'
The Heavy Metal Orgasm :  'Cmmon Honey, Go Johnny,Yeah Baby,
Deeper Honey,Comin baby, EEEEaaahh, EEyyyeEAAh, YYeeeaah..'
The instrumental orgasm :   'Ooonnnh,  OooOOONNNNh, eeeEEEeAAAAaoOOhh'
The Alternative Orgasm : 'O Shit O Fuck  OShiiit  O Fuck Ooooh Shhhhhiiit...'

 

Oil Changing Instructions
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

OK LADIES, don't beat me up. . . this one is for you.

Women:

1.  Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2.  Drink a cup of coffee.

3.  15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Men:

1.  Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2.  Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3.  Open a beer and drink it.

4.  Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5.  Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6.  In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7.  Place drain pan under engine.

8.  Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9.  Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16.  Beer.

17.  Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18.  Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19.  Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20.  Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21.  Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22.  Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23.  Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24.  Remember drain plug from step 11.

25.  Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26.  Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27.  Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28.  Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29.  Begin cussing fit.

30.  Throw wrench.

31.  Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.

32.  Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33.  Beer.

34.  Beer.

35.  Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36.  Beer.

37.  Lower car from jack stands

38.  Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39.  Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40.  Drive car

 

SKILL OF A PERFECT EMPLOYEE: WHAT IT MEANS !!

OUTGOING PERSONALITY........... Always going out of the office

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS...... Spends lots of time on phone

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED... Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY......... Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY................ Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY...... Spouse drinks, too

INDEPENDENT WORKER............. Nobody knows what he/she does

CAREFUL THINKER................ Won't make a decision

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS... Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL...... Speaks English

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES....... Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT... Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR........... Knows a lot of dirty jokes

LOYAL.......................... Can't get a job anywhere else

 

Great Fishing Idea
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three fishermen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.  A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see
your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first fishermen.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second fishermen, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want."  And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three fishermen started laughing hysterically. 

"What a dumb Fish Cop," the fishermen, said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are Steelhead trout in this river?!"

~~

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize
some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!" 

 

~~

 

A guy sitting in a bar, drunk to the gills, asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?"  The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

A few minutes later everyone at the bar hears a loud scream from the bathroom, and wonders what's going on.  A few minutes after that there is another loud scream, and everyone starts to become a bit uncomfortable.

When the third scream occurs, people start paying their tabs.  So the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all this screaming about?  You're scaring away my customers!"

The drunk says "I'm sitting on the toilet, and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

With that the bartender looks in and says, "You're sitting on a
mop bucket, moron!"

 

The Gift of Gab
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this Way . . . .

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures. . .   AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!

 

A Thirsty Man
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

~~

 

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references . no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress . no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

~~

 

A guy who was expecting his first child rang up the doc but got connected to Lords Cricket ground and not knowing it asked, " whats the score and how's it going". Prompt came the reply," Well, we got 3 out, and the rest will be out by lunch, by the way the last one was a duck". The man fainted.

 

~~

 

Frank came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.

"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."

~~

 

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.


Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep.

 

Where is Jesus Today?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well . . . every morning, my father gets up,  bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

 

Last Words
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Jake was dying.  His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.  She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.  He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Becky," he whispered. 

"Hush, my love," she said.  "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent.  "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I . . . I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.

"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky.  I . . . I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"

"I know" Becky whispered softly.  "That's why I poisoned you."

 

An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in
Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served
at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring
me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one
bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you
this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one
and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

~~

 

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said, "How should I know? 
That's 200 miles from here," and hung up.

~~

The husband said, "Who was that?"  The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.' "

 

--

 

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around
the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing
machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would
be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to
holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office.  "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner, Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"I really enjoyed my evening." she went on to say. "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.  "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

 

~~

 

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The
new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a
few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest,and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand.  How did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit? What happened next?'"

 

--

 

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.  

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.  Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. 

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" 

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

 

--

 

Fred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it.  So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said:   "I spit in my beer."
 
When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:
                   "I spit in your beer too!"

 

Left Behind
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.

In a seat pocket, I found a bag of homemade cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. 

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse;

"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

 

Imagine This
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor . . ."

"At this time of the night no one will show up."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowjob . . . I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"Baby . . . don't be like that."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown
with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says . . . 

"Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and
blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to
take his hand off the intercom."

 

~~

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Words About Marriage...

--
 
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

--

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

--

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

--
 
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

--

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

--

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

--
 
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

--

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

--

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

--
 
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."  "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

--

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

--

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

--

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

--

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

--

During a heated spat over finances, the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

--

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

--

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

 

Someone's Coming
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall    every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment
towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe.  The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning.

This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact, when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her
apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor.

"What do you think my best feature is?"

Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said; "Your ears." 

"What do you mean my ears?  Look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say EARS?!" 

"Well," said Bob "In the hall, you said you heard someone coming? That was me!!!"

 

--

 

Two lovers were going at it in her apartment, when there was a sharp rap on the door. "Oh, damn, it's
my husband!", said the startled woman. "Quickly, jump out of the window!"

"Are you crazy?" gasped the lover. "We`re on the thirteenth floor!"

"Hurry up and jump," cried the woman. "This is no time to be superstitious!"

 

--

 

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet, which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes.
He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues
reading his magazine.
 
The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes
it off with a handkerchief.
 
The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
 
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that
causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
 
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says,
with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
 
"Pepper," he says.

 

--

 

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
 
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
 
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
 
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of  the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
 
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"

  --

 

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesn't can grow can be vice president.
--

I'm so insecure, I'm not sure I'm insecure. I worry so much, sometimes I worry... that I don't worry enough.

 

The Dark Closet
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A married woman is having an affair.

Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do," the little extortionist continues.

"Okay. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he
is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes, it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery!  I'm taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he
hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, it's dark in here, isn't it?"

The priest says, "Don't you start that #$@^% in here now."

 

 

Abundance
-=-=-=-=-=-

An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.

After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.

The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes then arose and threw the lawyer out the window.

 

Ponderisms
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

- If you take an Oriental man and spin hhim around several times, does he become disoriented?

- If people from Poland are called Poless, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as addults enjoy adultery?

- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruuntled?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so ppopular?

- Why is the man who invests all your mooney called a broker?

- Why is a person who plays the piano caalled a pianist but a person who drives a  race car not called a racist?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy oppoosites?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean oppossite things?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety onne"?

- "I am" is reportedly the shoortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymenn defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, wouldd they call it Fed UP?

- Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee brreaks?

- I was thinking about how people seem tto read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me .... they're cramming for their final exams.

- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

- If olive oil comes from olives, where does babyoil come from?

 

Bumper Stickers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass.

2. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

3. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

7. Hang up and drive.

8. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

9. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

10. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out
       by itself.

12. The proctologist called, they found your head.

13. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

14. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people  "Everybody But Me."

15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

 

--

 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

 

~~

 

Your sister is so ugly they gotta tie pork chops on her neck so that the dog will play with her.
--

I never know how much of what I say is true.

 

Proxy Father
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

 On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.  The man should be here soon".

 Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . . ."

 "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

  "Really?"  the photographer asked.  "Well, good!  I've made a  specialty of babies."

  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

  "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven  angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

  "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that,  I'm sure."
 
  "Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

  The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.   "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

   "Oh my God!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

 "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider   their mother was so difficult to work with."

 The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

 "Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

 "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

 "Yes," the photographer said.  "And for more than three hours too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.  Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

 Mrs. Smith leaned forward.  "You mean they actually chewed on your,  Eh. . . equipment?"

 "That's right.  Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

  "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.   It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

 Madam ?   Madam?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

 

The 11 Reasons
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

11 Reasons for Going To Work Naked

  1. Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

  2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

  3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

  4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

  5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

  6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

  7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer"  to your exaggerated resume.

  8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

  9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

  10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

  11. No one steals your chair.

 

--

 

*Mathematician Vs Physicist Vs Engineer*

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005.

Engineer: Pi is about 3.

--

An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician all go to the  same conference. University budgets being what they are,  they all stay in the same cheap hotel.  Each room has the same floor plan, has the same cheap TV, the same cheap bed, and a small bathroom.  Instead of a sprinkler system, the  hotel has opted for Fire Buckets.  The Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician are all asleep in bed.

At about 2AM, the Physicist wakes up because he smells  smoke.  He looks in the corner of the room and sees that  the TV set is on fire! He dashes into the bathroom, fills the Fire Bucket to overflowing with water, and drenches the TV set. The fire goes out, and the Physicist goes back to  sleep.

A little while later, the Engineer wakes because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of his room and sees that the TV set is on fire. He grabs a handy envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire, scribbles a quick calculation, then dashes into the bathroom and fills the Fire Bucket with just enough water to douse the flames.  He puts the fire out and goes back to sleep.

In a little while, the Mathematician wakes up to the smell  of smoke.  He looks in the corner of his room and sees the TV on fire.  He looks into the bathroom and sees the Fire Bucket. Having determined that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep.

--

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

--

Engineering is the art of molding materials we do not fully understand into shapes we cannot fully analyze and preventing the public from realizing the full extent of our ignorance.

--

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

 

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma
attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."
 

Age Verification
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

 

The Class Star
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

So you think you know American History . . . Huh . . .?

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.  Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up.  "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.  At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher says "Who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah?  Well suck my ----!"

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

 

--

 

Did you hear about the 13 yr. old boy that got hold of his father's Viagra?

They rushed him to the hospital with 3rd degree  burns on his hands.

 

--

 

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor,
and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your
mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses,  "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a bright flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor replies, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.  He is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he's "standin' tall". Then his wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?

 

Pigs & Root Beer
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"

The bartender said he did.

"I'd like one, please," the pig said.

After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers. This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had. Two more pigs came in. One ordered three root beers and the other four. They, too, used the rest room.

When a fifth pig came in, the bartender thought he'd get cute. "Let me guess, you want five root beers."

The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would."

When he was done, he started to walk out. The bartender was confused. "Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?"

"No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

 

20 Useful Expressions
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f_ _ _ing sunshine?

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Do I look like a f_ _ _ing people person?

5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put   shoes on my cat.

7. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

8. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

9. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?

10. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

13. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. You look like s _ _ t. Is that the style now?

20. Ohh, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

--

And one more: "If I spread you with Preparation H would you shrink down and become less irritating?"

 

Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they took him to an upscale Irish
pub.

"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!"

"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer 15 year."

 

--

 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows backmup and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all
back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

 

--

 

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."

"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

--

May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.

--

May the dust of your carriage wheels Blind the eyes of your foes.

--

Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!"

"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"

Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like thi... damn! There goes another one!"

--

May neighbours respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.

--

May the good Lord take a liking to you...But not too soon!

--

Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"

"'Tis a good thing, too-that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.

--

May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

--

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the man.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

--

That the tap may be open when it rusts!

--

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

--

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stoutand drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

--

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, The foresight to know where you are going,
And the insight to know when you have gone too far.

--

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, I know you caught me with another woman, but put down that damn gun...' "

--

May the roof above you never fall in, And those gathered beneath it never fall out.

--

May you have food and raiment,
a soft pillow for your head.
May you be forty years in heaven
before the devil knows you're dead.

 

--

 

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
 

Why do they sell lemon juice made with artificial ingredients and lemon floor polish made with real lemon juice? Now I drink tea with a twist of Mop 'n Glow.

 

Following the Directions
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.  He goes over and asks her if she is OK.  She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said . . .

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

 

Becoming A Real Man
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming A Real Man

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree.

(Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

 Sign up now guys...space is limited! :)

 FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101--Combating Stupidity
MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am
MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
(Elective--See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives:

EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231--Mothers-in-law
MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her

 

--

 

A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two
men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of
the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every
Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slaps her.

 

--

 

You know you've been on-line too long when...

* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.

* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of  what she looks like.

* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.

* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.

* You tell the cab driver you live at
  http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy/Mommy's got work to do".

* You get a tattoo that says "This body best veiwed with Internet Explorer 5.0."

* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of the computer with a toilet.

* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)

* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
 
 Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done.

 

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of
used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

 

Stress Relievers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 1.  Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

 2.  Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

 3.  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

 4.  When someone says "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.

 5.  Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

 6.  Dance naked in front of your pets.

 7.  Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as  if nothing is wrong.

 8.  Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.

 9.  Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10.  Leaf through "National Geographic"  and draw underwear on the natives.

11.  Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

12.  Go shopping.  Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next day.

13.  Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.

14.  Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15.  Drive to work in reverse.

16.  Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

17.  Tell your boss to "Blow it out your mule"  and let him figure it out.

18.  Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

19.  Polish your car with earwax.

20.  Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

21.  Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

22.  Braid the hairs in each nostril.

23.  Write a short story using alphabet soup.

24.  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

25.  Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.

--

 

 Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

 

--

 

Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she
smiled... isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

 

--

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating
grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

 

--

 

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank?
 
2. Do you have one male and one female parent?  ____
If "No", explain:

3. Do you own or have access to a van?  ____
4. A truck with oversize tires?  ____
5. waterbed?  ____

6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
 
*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
 
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
 
12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
 
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________

14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________

15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________
 
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

What do you want to be IF you grow up?
 
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
 
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
  

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

 

The Wedding
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop,
and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near
tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

 

Two Lawyers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for  several months.

 One day, up to the beach floated a naked, blonde woman,   face up, totally unconscious.

 The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the  other, "You know we've been on this island for months  now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you  think we should, you know, screw her?"

 The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked  woman and asked, "Screw her out of what?"

 

Customer: Give me a pound of those grapes. My  husband really likes them. Do you know if they've
been sprayed with any kind of poison?

Grocery Clerk: No, ma'am; you'll have to get that  at the drug store.

 

--

 

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA  for an assassin. These highly classified positions are
hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background  checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked quite aghast, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test.
Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and
there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

 

--

 

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

--

  She leaves him on the couch when the phone rings and is back in a few seconds. 
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.  
"I better get going," he said "Where is he?" 
"Relax, he'll be late... he's playing poker with you."

Town Gossip
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic, because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

 

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.  As the doctor was listening to his heart
with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

~~~~

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the
same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put
the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses
present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the
Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said
that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of
course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was
waiting for the government to pay for his."

 

Motherly Advice
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done?  My aim is much better than yours."

 

The Erotic Conversation
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar
bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

 

--

 

Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

--

 When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was
slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask
me that after a tonsillectomy."

 

A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd  been invited to.

"I rang the bell, and the nudist butler opened the door." he started.

His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was a butler?"

"Well," he answered smoothly, "I could tell right away that it wasn't the maid"

~~~~

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they
decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

The brunette won the first prize: a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti and sauce.

The redhead won the second prize: six month's supply  of gourmet spaghetti and sauce.

The blonde won the sixth prize: a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, the brunette  asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said the redhead. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said brunette. "How's the toilet brush?"

"Not so good," the blonde confided. "I'm going to have to go back to toilet paper."

 

--

 

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

 

The Sermon
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.

 Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

 Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi.

 The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon.

 Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insemination."

 

 

A Mirage
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.

 On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the
Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.

 Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.

 "Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze  'orizon?"

 And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are
within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks.

 The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand all around them.

 The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion.

 Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."

 

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to
the Bahamas.

He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the  ship, telling him, "Beggars can't be cruisers."

 

 

"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my partner had a beautiful wife," said Mark, "but I didn't
know you were a fantastic cook as well."

"I feel I should warn you, Mark," she simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour."

"But I'm not doing anything." he protested.

"I know ," sighed his wife. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."

~~~~

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op
and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

 

~~

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

  The Pain!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand.

He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my privates!"

"Yes, doctor, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

 

Intelligence
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A couple made the decision to purchase a house on the lands of a large nudist resort. Things went well until one day their five-year-old son asked his parents why some men had small penises and others had quite large ones.

They told him that the ones with small penises like Daddy were the smart ones. The men with large ones were quite stupid. This seemed to satisfy him.

One day over supper, the little guy said "Remember when you told me the difference between men with little and big penises?"

"Yes."

"Well today, a man knocked on the door and was talking to Mommy. He was really smart, but the longer they talked the stupider he got.
Eventually Mommy had to take him into the house and smarten him up!"

 

--

 

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness, timidly approached the check-in desk
of a large Manhattan hotel.

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the young man with a perceptive wink.
"Suite 16?"

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."

 

--

 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.  He goes to the monastery,
knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.  As the man tries to fall asleep, he
hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We
can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again
accept him, feed him, even fix his car.  That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is
to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact
number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the
monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind
that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made
of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks
the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

--

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

  Remembrance
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.

 

Offensive Language
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

TO:    All Employees
FROM:  Human Resources
SUBJECT:   Foul Language
DATE:  February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.  Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

--

 

The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?"
he inquired.

"Nope," was the answer.

"Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously.

"Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though."

"And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the amazed agent.

"Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose."

 

--

 

A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and
brings it to the counter.

She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"

~~~~

An 80 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar
and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 80 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was
as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still no luck. We even called
up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even
tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open!"

 

--

 

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in
the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

 

--

 

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm herebecause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

~~~~

What Your Computer Is Trying To Tell You:

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.  Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."

 

Big John
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One day, a very small, sickly-looking man with thick glasses rode into a western town on the stagecoach.  He was hired as the local saloon's bartender, but the owner gave him a word of warning: "Remember, drop everything and run for *your life* if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."

Things went fine for a few months.  Suddenly, a big, strong cowhand with a ghost-white look on his face burst through the swinging doors shouting, "Big John's a'comin'!  Big John's a'comin'!"  The patrons
scrambled to get out the door, knocking the small bartender for a loop as they pushed by him.

The bartender gathered his senses about him and had just found his glasses when the room went dark.  He put them on to see a giant of a man eclipsing the saloon doors.  Riding bareback on a buffalo, using
a rattlesnake for a whip, he came right through the saloon doors, splintering away the doors and doorframe!  The man FLUNG the snake into the corner, KNOCKED over tables, and took his massive fist and SPLIT the bar in half as he demanded a drink.  "Y-y-yes sir!"  The bartender nervously handed a bottle out to the man.  He BIT the top of the bottle right off with his teeth, downed the contents in one
gulp, let out a belch that shattered the saloon's mirror, . . . and then turned to leave.  The bartender realized he wasn't going to hurt him, so he asked the man if he would like another drink?

"I ain't got no time," the man roared as he got on his buffalo, rattlesnake in hand. "Big Jooooohn's a'comin' to town!"

 

Delicate Hands
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly and help me out here?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled.  He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his willy while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his willy back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry by now."

 

--

 

Sign Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker:

-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

-Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

-When asked for their phone number, theyy give it in hex.

-Seems strangely calm whenever the officce LAN goes down.

-Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work. <

-Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 2995 times during the movie "The Net."

-Massive 401k contribution made in half--cent increments.

-Their video dating profile lists ";public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

-Instead of the "Welcome" voicce on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning,  Mr./Mrs. President."

-You hear them murmur, "Let's see yyou use that VISA card now, Professor  "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
 
 Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac?
He knew in advance what he was going to forget.


Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on  the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

A Bandaged Dog
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A bandaged dog, complete with six guns (two of them) walks into a  wild-west saloon bar. 

A hush falls over the bar until eventually one of the cowboys is courageous enough to say, "What do you want, stranger?"

The dog says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

Ranking Order
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Marvey has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just  put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."  

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."   "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Put the tray up, bitch."

 

The attractive young thang was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears.

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she  said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," she gulped.

"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.

"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."

----

A missionary gets sent into deepest Africa and goes  to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the
people, teaching them to read, write and the good  Christian ways of the white man. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the
chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child.
You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out
what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural
occurrance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet
amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't
say anything about the white kid."

 

--

 

Top Ten accident excuses used by drivers:

10. My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

9.  I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.

8.  Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don't have.

7.  The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.

6.  In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5.  The guy was all over he road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

4.  An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.

3.  I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.

2.  The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go--so I ran over him.

And the #1 excuse is:
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
 

Anxiousness
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This guy loved living on Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said.  "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

 

Tickle Me Elmo
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls".  It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday.  He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up.  The boss went down the line to find the problem.  The new employee was very busy
trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.  Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."

 

--

 

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she  visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing  me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
 
"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom  in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet;
when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh."
      
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . .You're simply going through the change."

 

--

 

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and
sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get
you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops shaking.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately. A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying.

"My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man.

"Then what's the matter?

Sobbing loudly he says, "I'm trying to give up drinking."

 

Being Frugal
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and  placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started
to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.  "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

 

Consequences
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.  One day he made the teacher quite surprised.  He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better
grades . . . somebody is going to get a spanking . . . ."

 

--

 

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their
theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer  each and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is
planned."

 

A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor
examined him, and after careful examination said, "We  can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife."

When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "We've decided," the man  told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd  rather have a new kitchen."

~~~~

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of
weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.  At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
 
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
 
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him... Give him a buck.'  The breakfast was my idea."

 

--

 

A guy was telling his friend at a bar of a hotel they were staying at: "You know, I had a woman beating
on my door 'til 5 A.M. last night!"

"Oh," said his friend, "then what did you do at 5 A.M.?"

The guy sighed and replied: "Well, I let her out then..."

 

--

 

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."

~~~~

A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it
completely over.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?""Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off
like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"  The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
"Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

 

--

 

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives      women wild?
A. Money

 

--

 

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

 You know what they're doing with your taxes? They're spending your money, hundreds of billions of dollars, on defense. To defend us from the Russians, the Libyans, the Iranians. When was the last time a Russian and broke into your car? I'm not worried about Russians, I'm worried about Americans! You're
going to defend me, defend me from Americans! Get my butt back from Burger King alive!

Professors
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor. The street was too narrow for two to pass.

The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools !"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,  "I always do."

 

Lots of Wheat
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The young man was distressed when for no apparent reason he found himself impotent. Consulting a psychiatrist, he was thrilled to learn that the problem was physical rather than psychological, and
that his ability to raise an erection would return if he put more wheat in his diet. 

Running to the bakery, he asked for ten loaves of whole wheat bread.  "Having a party?" the baker asked.

"No," said the young man, "it's all for me." Surprised, the baker said, "But it'll get hard in a day or two."

"In that case," replied the exuberant young man, "let me have thirty loaves!!"

 

--

 

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was  wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got  the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

 

--

 

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for
you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get
all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath! Doctor, I'm scared!"

The Doctor, looking at his eighty-six year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen
over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old man's response was, "Well ... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

~~~~

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of
strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the
older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul
something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he
said, "All right. Get in."

 

Dentist's Office
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A ten-year-old boy and his mother were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for the boy's painful tooth. Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Son, which one's the troublemaker?"

Without hesitation, the boy replied, "My brother!"

 

Provision of Nature
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of scotch whisky at a local pub. As he wandered  down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, so sat down with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the snores, one lass said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon
tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice t'see ye won first prize!"

 

--

 

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,
and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins
set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready
to go.

Noon comes, no dictator......

10 minutes later........ no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

 

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time
left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks?
What?"

"Nine..."

"Eight..."

~~

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who
lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the
bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look
at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased "The bull
has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

 

--

 

Baby Boomers, Then and Now

Then: Long hair
Now : Longing for hair

Then: A keg
Now : An EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now : Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now : Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now : Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now : The President's struggle with fidelity

Then: Killer weed
Now : Weed killer

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now : Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now : Getting a new hip joint

--

 

Miss Jones was a not too bright girl who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms and eventually she found herself named in divorce case.

When it was her turn on the stand, the prosecutor cam forward. "Miss Jones, the wife of the defendant has identified you as "the other woman" in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Dew Drop Inn with Mr. Smith?"

"Well, yes," acknowledges Miss Jones with a sniffle, "but I couldn't help it."

"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer incredulously. "How's that?"

"Mr. Smith deceived me."

"Exactly what do you mean?"

"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."
 
 General Motors Help Line
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did . . . .

Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

Help Line: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

Help Line: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

---------------------------

Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

Help Line: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

Help Line: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

Help Line: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

---------------------------

Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

Help Line: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed; that's what wrong!"

Help Line: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!

Help Line: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

---------------------------

Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

Help Line: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

Retirement Home
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Overheard Comments At Our Local Retirement Home. . .

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of  my face.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action," means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

--

The cardiologist's diet, if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient, I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

 

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers
or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all
the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

 

--

Tom: "What made you leave the dentist's office?"

Ted: "I heard the assistant say to relax, it's only a tooth we're pullin'".

Tom: "Ok, so why didn't ya relax and get it pulled?"

Ted: "Cause she was talking to the dentist".

~~~~

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building.  Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer  for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how  do I get to the capitol building?"

The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number  54 bus. It'll take you right there."  The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse  me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you  still waiting?"

The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now.
The 45th bus just went by!"

 

The Dead Frog
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he Had found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move.  So it must be dead."

 

 

Bug
-=-=-=-=-

A man walks into a drugstore, goes over the pharmacist, and says, "Give me some condoms with insecticide".

The pharmacist says, "Don't you mean spermicide?"

The man says, "No, I mean insecticide."

The pharmacist then asked, "Why insecticide?"

The man replied, "Well, my wife's gotten a bug up her ass, and I'm going in after it!"

 

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before.

When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year.

 

--

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why
is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

--

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his younger employees.

"Yes sir."

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "About an hour after you left yesterday to go to your grandfather's funeral, he stopped in to see you."

--

Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon an intoxicated
tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"Yesh," the man slowly replied.

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked.

"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.

When they got up to the second floor, the father asked, "Is this your floor?"

"Yesh," again the man replied.

Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't
want to face the man's irate wife because she may think  he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. Lo and behold, when the father went back outside, there was another tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man "Do you live here?"

"Yesh."

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yesh."

So he did and pushed him in the same door with the first tramp. Then the father went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.

Before the priest got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He'sh been doing nothing all night long but takin' me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

 

--

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

 

 

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against...get this...fire.

After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge, stated that since the company had insured the cigars against
fire, they were obligated to pay.

After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested for...arson.

 

Love; Before & After
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Before And After Falling In Love....

B - You take my breath away
A - I feel like I'm suffocating

B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football

B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence

B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my nightmare

B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem

B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl

B - Ideal
A - Idle

B - I love a woman with curves
A-  I never said you were fat

B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere

B - Croissant and cappuccino
A - Bagel and instant

B - Blind
A - Nearsighted

B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing

B - Oysters
A - Fish sticks

B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

 

Father and Son
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March. . . ."

 

--

 

Wife: "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married."

Husband: "Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."

 

 

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and
began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let
him play through."

~~~~

Jesus, Moses and an old man were playing golf one day. Jesus hit the ball and it went into the water, so he walked onto the water and hit the ball into the hole.

Next was Moses' turn. He hit the ball and it too went onto the water so he went over, parted the water and hit it into the hole.

Lastly was the old man's turn. He had his shot and it went into the water. A fish came up and swallowed it, then a hawk flying by swooped down and picked up the fish and flew off. Suddenly lightening struck the hawk, the hawk fell to the ground, the fish fell out of the hawk's beak, and the ball rolled out of the fish's mouth and into the hole.

Jesus then said "DAD, stop showing off!"

 

--

 

Letter of Recommendation -

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him

working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager


A second note following the report:

Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7,...
for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Branch Manager

 

--

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

Poor Phil
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Phil goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"

"I have a lot of issues with sex," Phil replies.

"What kind of issues?" The therapist asks.

"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."

 

Favorite Sports
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three gays were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be.

The first decides on football, because of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants.

"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds, ooh!"

"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases.  Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 'Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like - the recognition."

 

 

We've all needed tech support at one time or another, and have often felt a bit goofy when the seemingly impossible answer was made blindingly obvious by a friend, family member, or the computer's tech support line.  But after you read these, you'll realize that goofiness is entirely relative...

----

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."

The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the  door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
 
----
 
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your  hard drive?"
 
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

----
 
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
 
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
 
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
 
Customer: "What do you mean?"
 
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
 
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
 
----
 
Overheard in a computer shop:
 
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
 
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
 
----

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
 
----
 
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
 
----
 
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
 
----
 
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
 
----
 
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."
 
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
 
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
 
----
 
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
 
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
 
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
 
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
 
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"
 
Customer: [click]
 
----
 
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
 
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
 
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
 
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
 
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
 
Tech Support: "Huh?"
 
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
 
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
 
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
 
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

----

Now don't you feel better?

 

 

Top 45 Oxymorons:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

 

 

Weakness For Golf
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

There was once a very inspirational preacher, but he had a tremendous weakness for golf. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession for him.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. She went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away.  Wow!  A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and ecstatic.

The angel was a little shocked. She turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought You were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled and said, "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

 

Two Men
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them is about to get a vasectomy. The nurse comes into the room and tells both men to "strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have their procedures done."

A few minutes later she returned and reached into one man's gown. She proceeded to fondle and ultimately began to spank his monkey.

Shocked as he was, he asked, "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replied, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man didn't want to be a problem -- he enjoyed it.  He allowed her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeded to the next man.

She started to fondle the second man as she had the previous man, but then dropped to her knees and proceeded to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responded, "Hey! Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replied, "That's the difference between an HMO and Complete Private Coverage."

 

~~

 

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak  with the burglar who had broken into his house the
night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been
trying to do that for years!"

--

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing
$1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon
to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this
scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky
voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you  a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

~~~~

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks
to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor,
defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

~~~~

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St.Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks, "Why is that?"

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling.

On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."

 

--

 

A police officer thought he had a perfect location to watch for speeders until one day everyone was well under the speed limit. Curious, he investigated and it didn't take long to find the cause. A 10 year old boy was standing by the roadside with a huge hand-painted sign reading "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." His accomplice, about 100 yards beyond the trap, also had a sign which read "TIPS" and a large bucket filled with change.



Payment Plan
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.

"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.

"They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."

 

 

Diagnostic Search
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.  Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.  He then began to fondle her breasts. 

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.  He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

 

--

 

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day  approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had
a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father, I
am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said his father, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."  Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her Mom. "Mom," she said, "when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in
the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of  course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks,  "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh no!" he cried, "You've swallowed my sock!"

 

--

 

Fun Things to do in an Elevator:

- Wave hands wildly at invisible flies bbuzzing around your  head.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Shave.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, annd while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Stand silent and motionless in the corrner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt andd strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevatorr with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door oppen and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:  "I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, mmoan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
- Bet the other passengers you can fit aa quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gottaa go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Walk on with a cooler that says ";human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a whilee, then announce "You're   one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you ccan push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk too other passengers  "through" it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look arouund and ask "is that your beeper?"
- Draw a little square on the floor withh chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I mmust find a more suitable host body."
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectiively.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
- While the doors are opening, hurriedlyy whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

 

Rubber Wear
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A dentist I know recounts sharing this story with an elderly lady, just as he was putting on his rubber gloves:

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No."

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in -- and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up -- then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and go around again."

She didn't laugh a bit.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop working on her teeth because she burst out laughing.

She explained, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

 

 

Bears
-=-=-=-=-

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied,  "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link.  When he had finished, there was silence for about
ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

 

 

Office Buzz Words...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.  "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software.  "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.  The O.J. trials were a prime example.  Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.  (Try not to dent the case.)

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.  Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM (Career Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity.  Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.  Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.  Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again.  The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

404: Someone who's clueless.  From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

 

The Pill
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It's the year 2105 and society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know, math always was a little hard to swallow."

 

 

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots,
he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

~~~~

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for
his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be
able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if  He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement!!!???"

 

--

 

An three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.

The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If  I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off this  building and kill myself."

The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!"

The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper."

The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.

At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."

The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."

The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"

--

 

Always give 100% at work....

 12% Monday
 23% Tuesday
 40% Wednesday
 20% Thursday
  5% Friday

The Stationery
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, a big city man discovered he had no writing paper for his personal correspondence.

So, the man went into a small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking, young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can . . . until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

 

 

My Baby
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite. . . what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the. . .er. . .features. . .of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a Penis . . . AND a brain?"

 

--

 

A lawyer is opening his mail, when he discovers that a client has sent him a duplicate payment by mistake.
This means that the lawyer has to struggle with an ethical dilemma:

"Should I tell my partner?"

 

--

 

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his open hand, then
puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. 

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."   The bartender says "Prove it."  The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.  The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.  "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"  "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.  By the way, where is the men's room?" 

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.  The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"  The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

--

 

Great lines from job evaluations:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

--

 

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of
Dreams".

At The Pub
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

After noticing a beautiful, luscious woman sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said, "What can I get you, gorgeous?"

The woman blushed and replied, "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a big stiff one, please."

The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear, "Would that be before or after I've gotten the drinks?"

 

Little Johnny
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It's graduation day at the elementary school in Los Angeles, and everybody's waiting to get their diplomas.  Everybody but Little Johnny.  At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Johnny graduate; let Johnny graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Johnny one last chance.  "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Johnny, how many apples do I have?" he asked.

Johnny thought long and hard and then said "Ten."

Hearing the answer the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Johnny another chance; give Johnny another chance!"

 

There was this drunk staggering down the street. He fell over a fire hydrant, landed in the gutter, picked himself up and reeled into a near by church. He stumbled into the vestibule, knocked over a statue of St. Anthony, then went into a confessional.
--
A Priest hearing the commotion stood in the doorway and watched all of the activity. When he saw the poor man go into the confessional, he thought this was a good time to help the poor soul.

So he entered the other side and opened the little window into the drunk's side and asked, "How may I help you my good man?"

With that the drunk asked, "Is there any paper on your side?"

~~~~

It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss Brown, had just finished putting
the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch.
The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting
his boots on as they were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.

To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.

Where upon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy said I could wear them to school today."

 

--

 

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."

20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."

--

 

On the back of a motorbiker's jacket. "IF YOU CAN SEE THIS MY GIRLFRIEND FELL OFF!"

 

The Untold Story
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven.  St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious
question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy!  It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid.  You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.  He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place.  She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans
by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued. . . "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

--

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".

When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."

And he sat back down.

 

Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could
marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day." He replied

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."

----

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

 

Flying A B-52
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot."  The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

 

Two Old Ladies
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked, "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

 

Fun things to do at garage & yard sales:

1.  Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When  they go to look for it, leave.

2.  Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.

3.  Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the
merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!"

4.  Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high enough, put it all back and leave.

5.  When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.

6.  When you see a sale, go home, round up all the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.

7.  When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a dozen times.

8.  Ask for food and drink.

9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't understand. Leave cursing.

10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without making a purchase.

11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage sale?"

12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this say "I've changed my mind" and leave.

14. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants"

 

--

 

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

 

The Fairy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. 

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. 

Next, it was the husband's turn.  He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

 

Ninety Years Old
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A woman is having her 90th birthday with a huge celebration in the village. Everybody is there - the mayor, the police and a reporter from the local newspaper. He wants to know how she managed to have such a long life.

She tells him about her fulfilled life - and about the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day. 'Not to forget a healthy and active life keeps my circulation going' she adds.

The reporter curious now, asks deferentially,  "So when was the last time you made love, Mam ?"

"Well, let me think - made love - the last time I did that was around 1945."

"Whoa," the reporter says, "but that's a helluva long time ago."

"You think so?" The woman replied and checks her watch. She  continued on and said, "But it's only 20:15 now!"

 

 

A husband and wife, panting and pulling on their tandem bicycle, finally reached the top of a long steep hill.

"Whew!" gasped the husband, "What a climb!"

"Sure was!" agreed the wife. "If I hadn't kept the brake  on, we'd have gone down backward."

 

 

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your
birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry -- put
more men on the job."

----

A fellow was joined at the bar by a beautiful woman who soon approached the man with an offer. "I'll make your dreams come true," she whispered, "for a hundred and fifty dollars."

"That's a lot of money," the guy pointed out, admiring her voluptuous body. "I'm worth it," she assured him
breathily. "For a hundred and fifty dollars, I'll act out any fantasy. In fact, I can make any three words come true. Just dream them up, baby."

"Any three words? For a hundred and fifty dollars?" The man's voice grew husky as the woman's hand crept up his leg. She nodded, reaching up with the other hand to caress the back of his neck while he considered the offer.

Finally he leaned back with a big smile and announced "It's a deal!" He leaned over and whispered, "Paint my house."

 

--

 

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9^th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

---

 

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.

Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint.

Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.

Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water..."

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.
However, would you like to buy a tie?"

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

--

 

Sue told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

 

 

$100,000 Donation
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.

"Rabbi," he says when he sees him, "do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

"Yes, I do," says the rabbi.

"Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent.

"Yes, he is," says the rabbi.

"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent.

"I can assure you he will!" says the rabbi.

 

 

The Younger Brother
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds.
The mother said "I wonder why they never came down to eat."

The groom's young brother said "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh shut up I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfectly and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned
why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said "Mommy I think..."

"Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."

 

--

One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning to starve.

He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat it. Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump not far from him, so he picked up a stone to toss at it--hoping the bird would be frightened and fly away without the fish. But, weak as he was, his aim was off and he hit the poor bird square on the head, and killing it.

"Well," he thought to himself, "no sense letting it go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could save my life if I eat it."

So, he built himself a little fire--using a couple of stones- -and cooked the eagle to eat. While it was cooking a ranger stumbled upon the man, and when he saw what he was up to, he immediately arrested him--because as you know, that is quite illegal!

The man told the ranger what had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the situation to a judge.

So, the day of his trial he told the judge, "Please your Honor, it was a life or death situation! I was lost and
starving, and I didn't mean to harm the bird--I only wanted the fish! And when I accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn't see any reason to let it go to waste!"

The judge listened to the man's story and deemed him, "Not guilty, on the grounds of extenuating circumstances."

The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his fairness.

Then, the judge leaned over and quietly asked the man, "Just between you and me, what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like anyway??"

The man comtemplated this for a moment and then spoke, "Well, it's kind of hard to explain... but, I would say somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

 

--

 

Kid    : Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Teacher: No.
Kid    : Great! I didn't do my homework.

 

The Wee Button
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did.  Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..."

 

--

 

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

--

 

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front
of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has
gone for the night. Can you make this thing work
for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the
start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one
copy..."

----

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, and even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,

"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

--

 

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent
most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't
bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch.
If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify
ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light
years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of
100 major American corporations and asked for stories of
unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job
application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and
the music at the same time."

3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to
office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the
personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office -
wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on
answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and
started tap dancing around my office."

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there
dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed
his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash
picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who
interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too
much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant
took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos
only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the
candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off,
apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was
from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this:
"'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said,
'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview
any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll
pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there
was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the
contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and
assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but
the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for
one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the
picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if
she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called
security."

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he
said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.
Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired
and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down
to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured,
but I did need to get a new desk."

 

 

Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45
degrees for noise
abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How
much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise
a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

 

Trick Question
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his
prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to
support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir", replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father warningly. "There are
twelve of us."

 

 

Not the True Ones
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The
woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told
him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the
first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a
cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened
it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and
continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked
confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking
of an off blue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it
and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the
next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose
color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled,
"Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why
do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell
you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod
across the street."

 

 

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised
that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp
with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The
head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him
to leave. 
 
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the
skinny man. 
 
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the
lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." 
 
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he
was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree
down," said the man. 
 
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did
you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" 
 
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. 
 
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. 
 
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's
what they call it now!"

 

 

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people
predict the future with cards?" 
 
His response was, "My mother can." 
 
The teacher replied, "Really?" 
 
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look
at my report card and tells me what will happen when my
father gets home."

Power Memory Class
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to
take a power memory class, where they teach one to remember things by
association.  Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the
class helped him.

"Who was the Instructor?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh, let's see," pondered the man.  "Umm...what's that flower, you know,
the one that smells real nice but has those thorns...?"

"A rose?" offered the neighbor.

"Right," said the man.  He then turned toward his house and shouted,

"Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"

 

 

The New Farmer
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going
to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells
the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby
chickens."

The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,
"Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing
well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them
too deep or too far apart!"

 

 

Top 10 Signs Your Cat is Planning to Kill You! 
 
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 

2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your
bill. 

3. He actually _does_ have your tongue. 

4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind
the couch. 

5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 

6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 

7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown
Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 

8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are
on. 

9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 

10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

 

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. 
 
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in
her lounge chair. 
 
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" 
 
There was no response. 
 
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear
me?" 
 
Still, there was no response. 
 
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you
hear me?" 
 
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

 

 

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the
hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really
take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At
10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and
a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,
so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told
you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.
Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock
we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It
works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him
sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

 

 

Believing in God
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then
opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man fell
head over heels towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried
out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair.
A booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you
didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago
I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "Now that you are a believer you must understand
that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the
jaws of the monster. But I can change hearts. What would you have me
do?"

The atheist thought for a minute then said, "God, please have the
Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." And God replied, "So be it."
The scene started in motion again with the Atheist falling towards
the ravenous jaws of the monster.

As the man fell, he saw the monster fold his claws together and
heard him say, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously
provided... ."

 

 

Stubborn Stains
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater
Cleaned.  The man who is working there doesn't have the best of
hearing and he says, "Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and replies with a giggling, "Oh, no
it's just mustard this time."

"Hey even though I am a blonde, I love blond jokes here is one that I
liked."

 

 

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in
his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about
various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day." 
 
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in
the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning
and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords. 
 
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me
it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.
I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to
himself. 
 
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer
and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's
claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says,
"Hmm, it looks fine." 
 
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man
responds, "What's that noise?

 

 

 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class
one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative
forms a positive. In some languages, though, such
as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double
positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah,
right."

 

 

A guy is standing over his tee shot, looking up, looking
down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction
and speed...

His partner says, "What's taking so long?"

The first guy says, "My wife is on the clubhouse porch, so
I want to make a perfect shot."

His partner says, "Forget it...you'll never hit her from here."

~~~~

An elderly man and his wife decided to separate.
Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family
Court insisted they undergo some counseling from
the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could
be saved.

The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk
were absolutely determined to go through with the
separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation,
the counselor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93.
You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to
separate now??"

To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand
each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should
wait until all the children died..."

 

 

Q: Two days ago Tina was seventeen. Next year
she will be 20. How can this be?

A: It's not possible!  Just kidding. Her birthday is
December 31. The statement was made on January 1.
She was 17 two days ago (December 30). Then she
turned 18 the next day. This is a new year so she will
turn 19 this year and 20 next year.

 

 

An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do
you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run
in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St.Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, either
come inside or stay outside!'

 

 

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl
kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with
three complete strangers to kill again."
-- TV listing for "The Wizard of Ozz" in the Marin Paper

----

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught
his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a
Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke,
but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the house where the Porsche was
being sold and a lady took him out to the garage. 
Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected,
the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got
back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you
selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied, "My husband just ran off with his
secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house
and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me
the money.' "

 

 

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What
seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating
it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do
with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of
the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm
running late now.
 
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the
check]
 
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
 
[waiter leaves.]
 
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
 
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
 

 

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of
running a small business.
 
"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist
that each of my employees take at least a week off every
three months."
 
"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.
 
"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do
without," Linda said.

 

 

 

Marriage Counseling
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife
speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've
been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm
going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be
on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The
counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her
crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be
the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that
are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in
public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of
the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore
I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should
not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do!
He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge
in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important
thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"

 

The Clerk
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking
on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me
out, please?"

The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not
bad."

 

 

Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
for 2000.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before
the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your
ceiling.

No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now
scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names
of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin
Infantry, and General White-Out has called for
reinforcements.

 

 

A couple was told to individually write a sentence
using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote 'When two people love each other
very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable
for them to engage in sex.'

And Bob wrote ' I love sex.'

 

 

A couple met at Hilton Hotel and fell in love. They were
discussing how they would continue the relationship after
their vacations were over.  "It's only fair to warn you, Jody,"
Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"I have a confession as well," Jody says. "I'm a hooker."

Sadly he says, "I see." Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight
when you hit the ball."

----

A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments.
She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part
of the human body enlarges to seven times its original
size when stimulated.Susie stands up, shuffles her feet
and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed
to tell you."

"Sit down, Susie," instructed the teacher. Little Johnny,
can you tell the class what part of the human body enlarges
to seven times its size when stimulated."  Little Johnny
says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven
times its original size when stimulated by light."  The teacher
remarks, "That's right, Little Johnny."

Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, you obviously
didn't do your homework last night. And, you certainly have
a dirty mind. But most importantly, when you get married,
you're in for a big disappointment."

 

Mr. Important
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was canceled. A single agent was  re-booking a long
line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able
to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began,
her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger
here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him
find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The folks behind him in line began laughing hysterically. Although
the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer
angry at United.

 

Newly Born Sperm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from
the instructor:

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a
straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the
end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, "I'm the Egg."
From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do
you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good
luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren.
He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm
swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the
entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead
of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does
approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says,
"Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

 

 

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in
Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says,
"Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack
in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way
in." 
 
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and
states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his
gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. 
 
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you
packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys,
passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other
information." 
 
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off
the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and
states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin." 
 
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet
of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets,
and so forth. Good luck!" 
 
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up
the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia.
Discus." 
 
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet
of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes,
and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself." 
 
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is
missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills
of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something
stupid and blow their cover stories. 
 
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm.
He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean.
Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

 

 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy
is amazed that the dog is playing poker.

"Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.

"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.

"Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a
good hand he wags his tail."

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's
house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly
gentleman said that he was lost in the park...
and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris ", said grandma, "You've been going to
that park for over 30 years! So how could you get
lost ? "

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman
couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost...
I was just too tired to walk home."

~~

While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in
silent Indian fashion, our troop leader suddenly came
upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an
indecent act.

"Back ladies, back !" cried the leader, "There's a very
dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, several of the kids had more-or-less
seen all. They asked their leader what was happening.

"Well, if you... er... must know, they were practicing a
brand new form of artificial respiration."

"WOW !" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know
which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."

~~

An elderly couple would constantly argue about
everything. The woman often ended the arguments
by stating vociferously, "I'll dance on your grave ...
I'll dance on your grave!"

Well, sure enough, the man died first.

His last request was that he be buried at sea.

 

 

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding
career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout
his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients
in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to
fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a
leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of
fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the
artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see
what magnificent article the leathersmith had made
for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?"
exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it
becomes a briefcase."

 

 

To the Rescue
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The
fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could
handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department
be called.  Though there was doubt that they would be of any
assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire
truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle
of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and
frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had
snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two
easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work
and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the
volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news
reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned
to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna
do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

 

 

Maintenance Memo (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I was reminded to find this based on the shorty joke today....

This is an actual alert to the IBM Field Engineers that went out to
all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The
rest found it rather funny.

____________________________________________________________
Abstract: Mouse Balls available as FRU (Field Replacement
Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder
than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
opo-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off
method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction; and that any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
necessary items.

To reorder, specify on the following:

P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Balls

 

 

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the
middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his
meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded,
leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a
target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his
apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The
truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid hia
check, and left.

"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one
of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night,
added, "He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either.
He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."

 

Drivers
-=-=-=-=-=-

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.

Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane. It scared me so badly I dropped my electric
shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

(Finally an opposite sex joke with balance! LOL)

 

Mirror, Mirror
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(A little blonde humor.  Hey, I'm blonde too!  Jeff--)

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun
and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided
to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at
the entrance who said: 

"Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest
feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something
truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.  But, be warned, for if
you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live
in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the
brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an
instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us
three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her
hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde
looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked
into the mirror.

 

It's All Relative
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed
him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a
tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying
the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran
into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I
got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill
overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a
golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the
Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to
find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying,
"How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new
cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic?  I
invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve
better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only
crashed once."

 

 

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and only the
legs showing.

He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the
best job possible. The professor announced that the test
would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common
name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying
characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked
the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all
night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their
legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.

He went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking
at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the
professor's desk and walked out the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he
didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached
the door, the professor called out "One moment, son, what's
your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said "You
guess buddy! You guess!"

 

 

The Top 17 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped


17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your dork is ajar.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to
his bells.

13. I can see your Gap dancers.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has left the building!

9. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower
deck, sir.

7. Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward
quadrant!

6. Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of
"Hillary."

4. Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I see you have an opening in senior management.


And the Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped:


1. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod!

 

Announcing New Bonds
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

    GOD (PLEASE) BLESS
             AMERICA

  \\***********\============\
   \\***********\============\
    \\ **********\ ============\
     \\***********\ ============\
      \\====================\
       \\====================\
        \\====================\
         \\
          \\     
           \\             
            \\
             \\

The US Treasury has just announced that it will sell
three new types of government bonds:

 1.  The Al Gore Bond, which has no interest.
 2.  The Monica Lewinsky Bond, which has no maturity,
 And....
 3.  The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle

 

 

Thank You, Mr. President
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(A bit scathing, but may have some entertainment value....)

Dear Mr. President:

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me. I voted for
Clinton-Gore."

So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank you"
for what you have done, specifically:

1.  Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones,
     Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and
     Juanita Broaddrick. Are there any others that we should know
     about?

2.  Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in
     the workplace (especially the White House) and on the job is OK,
     and all you have to know is the meaning of the word "IS." It
     really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not      sex
     and one person may have sex while the other one involved     does
     NOT have sex.

3.  Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to
     a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot
     of the movie, "Wag The Dog," could be plausible after all.

4.  Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald
     Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon
     Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.

5.  Thank you for the 72 House and Senate witnesses who have plead
     the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to
      avoid testifying about Democrat campaign fund raising.

6.  Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4
     imprisonment's from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal
    charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other
    "Clinton scandals."

7.  Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting"
     much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on
     vacations carefully disguised as necessary trips.

Please give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her I'm
working on a "Thank You" letter for her also.

-----

 

Desert Breakdown
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke
down. So he waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA.

His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the
mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check
out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't
complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket.
He really needed to cool down from all that heat too!

He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near
the fish sticks. After an hour he got into the freezer next
to the vanilla ice cream.  He just couldn't help himself
since it was his favorite flavor and so nice and cool... he
ended up eating several gallons. Then he noticed the time so
he waddled back to the garage covered in ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking
his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

 

 

CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
 
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"
 
"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."
 
"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"
 
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
 
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
 
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
 
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
 
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"
 
"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."
 
"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."
 
"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"
 
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."
 
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best
friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
 
"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"
 
"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."
 
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
 
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
 
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday---------
So we're having you put to sleep."

 

 

Untold Secret
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man was working on his home computer when his daughter
snuck up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the
kitchen, shouting, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's
password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked.

She replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

 

Listening Impaired
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Handsome Hank meets a stone fox in a dark bar and asks, "May I buy you
a drink?"

"Okay," she says, "but it won't do you any good."

After a while he tries again: "May I buy you another drink?"

"Ok, but like I said, it won't do you any good."

Next he invites her up to his pad, and she replies, "Ok, but
it won't do you any good..."

They get to Handsome Hank's apartment and he gives his best
shot: "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I
want you for my wife."

The chick smiles and purrs,
"Oh that's quite a different story - let me meet this wife of yours!"

 

 

A Champion is Born
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for
'98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.  He had
scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't
find a quarterback that would ensure a Superbowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the
background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian
soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand grenade straight
into a 15th story window 200 yards away!  He threw another grenade
into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away!   A car
passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade
right into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect
arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of
football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for
completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the Superbowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Superbowl XXXIII,
and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is
to call his mother.

"Mom." the young man says into the receiver "I just won the
Superbowl."

"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us.

You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads, "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm in the middle of
thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives
last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad
daylight..."

The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive
you for moving us to Oakland!"

 

 

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates,
a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15
or so I think."

"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally
coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done
more, but that was all the money she had."

 

 

One day, a very small, sickly-looking man with thick glasses
rode into a western town on the stagecoach. He was hired as
the local saloon's bartender, but the owner gave him a word
of warning:  "Remember, drop everything and run for *your
life* if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."

Things went fine for a few months. Suddenly, a big, strong
cowhand with a ghost-white look on his face burst through
the swinging doors shouting, "Big John's a'comin'! Big John's
a'comin'!" The patrons scrambled to get out the door, knocking
the small bartender for a loop as they pushed by him.

The bartender gathered his senses about him and had just
found his glasses when the room went dark. He put them on
to see a giant of a man eclipsing the saloon doors. Riding
bareback on a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip, he
came right through the saloon doors, splintering away the
doorframe and wall! The man FLUNG the snake into the corner,
KNOCKED over tables, and took his massive fist and SPLIT the
bar in half as he demanded a drink.

"Y-y-yes sir!" The bartender nervously handed a bottle out to
the man. He BIT the top of the bottle right off with his teeth,
downed the contents in one gulp, let out a belch that shattered
the saloon's mirror, then then turned to leave. The bartender
realized he wasn't going to hurt him, so he asked the giant man
if he would like another drink.

"Hell, I ain't got no time," the man roared as he got on his
buffalo, rattlesnake in hand. "Big Jooooohn's a'comin' to town!"

 

 

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
 
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if
there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
comfortable, please let me know."
 
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a
hard wooden floor."
 
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
 
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the
Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do
you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have
to run anymore?"
 
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse
with beautiful new roller skates.
 
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
 
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are
things since you got here?"
 
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is
wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And
those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
 

 

An old European Monastery is perched high on a 500-foot
cliff. Visitors ride up in a big basket, pulled to the top
with a ragged old rope.

Halfway up, a passenger nervously asked: "How often do you
change the rope?"

The monk in charge replied: "Whenever the old one breaks."


 
 Mark goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking
at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with
yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting
is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked
across it.

Mark walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand
your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

Mark says, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

~~~

Smith was seated comfortably in his living room one evening
when a rock crashed through the window and landed at his feet,
amidst a shower of splintered glass. To the rock was attached
a note: "Unless you pay us $10,000 according to instructions,
we will kidnap your wife."

After some thought, Smith sat down at his desk and penned a
reply:

"Gentlemen:

Your rock of this date has been received. I don't have $10,000
at this time. However, keep in touch, as your proposition
interests me."

~~~

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.

"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as
bad as you think. EVERY marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with
the BODY?"

 

 

Attitudinal Altitude
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up
call.  The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did
not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said
sheepishly.  "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed
to call me at 6 AM!.... I complained.  "What if I had a
million dollar deal to close this morning, and your
oversight made me miss out?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk boldly replied, "if you had a
million dollar deal to close, you'd probably not be staying at
THIS motel!"

 

Gate This and Gate That
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapades...

Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, not to mention titles for all the
other scandals he's been accused of participating in from the past...

Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- we could
call them "Bill-gates."

Oh, no...  No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the
president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of
people whereas the head of Microsoft is being accused of....um.....

 

 

Mars & Venus Opposed
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it. A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't
expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die!

Any married man can forget his past mistakes. There is absolutely no
reason for two people to keep track of the same things!

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting her to not change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

 

A minister would up the services one morning by saying, "next
Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in
this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would
like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and
said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and
read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your
hands."
 
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk
to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

 

 

There was this couple and the husband just LOVED his wife's
butt, and nicknamed her "Beautiful Buns".  So as a surprise
for her husband, she had a "B" tattooed on each butt cheek
to represent the nickname.

When her husband got home that evening, she ran to him and
said, "Honey I have a surprise for you!" She turns around
pulls down her pants to show him the artwork.

He stared for a minute, then said, "Who the hell is BOB?!"

 

 

A guy walked into a bar with a pig and asked for two beers,
one for himself and one for the pig. The bartender said,
"Sorry sir, we don"t serve pigs. You"ll have to leave him
outside."

The man replied, "Ah, but this is no ordinary pig. This
pig can play the piano."

The bartender, disbelieving, said, "Yeah? Get him up there,
let's hear him play."

So the pig walked up to the piano, pulled out the stool,
racked his pig knuckles and started to play beautifully.
The bartender was amazed and immediately offered to buy
the pig. But the owner said, "Sorry, that pig is a close
personal friend of mine and I can't possibly sell him."

Anyway, the pig became a regular and started pulling the
crowds into the pub. The bartender became rich, and was
eventually able to offer $500,000 for the pig. Finally,
the sale was agreed to.

Two years later, the same guy came back with a dog. Gone
was the old bar, replaced by a huge nightclub called "The
Playing Pig," with the pig on stage in the center. So the
guy walked in and ordered two beers, one for himself and
one for the dog. The bartender was about to refuse when he
recognized the guy.

"So," he said, "What's special about the dog?"

"Well, this dog can sing."

"He can sing! Well get him up on stage with the pig, let's
hear him!"

So the dog went up on stage and started singing along to the
pig's piano playing. This was repeated every night for a couple
of months, every night the bartender offering to buy the dog
and getting the same reply:

"Sorry, the dog's a close personal friend of mine and he's not
for sale."

One night, the bartender said, "Look, I've got to have that dog.
Here's a million dollars, the keys to my private yacht and the
deed to a villa in Spain. Take them, in exchange for the dog."
So the deal was struck.

Six months later, the same guy's back again. The bartender's
obviously pleased to see him.

"So, what have you got for me this time?" The man deposited a
set of keys and the deed to the villa on the bar and handed over
a check for 1 million dollars.

"Look," he said, "I have a confession to make. I've been living
with the guilt for six months. I can't keep your money, or your
yacht, or your villa."

"What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "What's the confession?"

The man looked at the bartender and said,

"The dog can't sing.  The pig's a ventriloquist."

 

Focus is Everything!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was beginning
his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice
came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's
tee!!"

Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement:

"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once
more the man yelled:

"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

Finally our focused golfer stopped.  He turned, looked through the
clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted
back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and
let me play my second stroke for this hole?"

 

Helpful Household Hints
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.  

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds
in only 2 days.  

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to
fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.  

No time for a bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.   Apply red nail polish to your nails
before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on
your bathroom carpet.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following
morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble
full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.  Repeat as necessary.

 

Wisdom Evermore
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. See today's warm-up shorty...

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Well, round IS a shape....

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots
    wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
    more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
    you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out
    the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
    but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
    miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 now and we have no idea
    where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out,
      I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody
      stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three
      of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some
      form of mental illness.  Think of two of your best friends. If
      they are OK, then it must be you!

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
      you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
      laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and
      they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals.  I
      think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of
      her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
      jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
      jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
      I'll have to kill you too!"

 

 

All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by a
busybody who commented on everyone's hand and style of play.
When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan
to silence him.

"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them
said. "Then he'll have to shut up."

The busybody returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and
gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off
three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite
him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to
the man on his right and kept five himself.

"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."

"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you a
dollar."

The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after
much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you
two dollars."

The busybody shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he
said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle
with a lousy farfle!"

 

 

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife
insisted on complaining to the local civic official who
apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off
my census."

~~~~

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's
attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat,
a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper
boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

 

Work Application 2000
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

OBJECTIVE:
           To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for
           eight hours, occasionally looking attentive
           when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION:
           School: Very Expensive
           Major:  Not Important
           GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

EMPLOYMENT:

         NETWORK MANAGEMENT    (9/96-Present)
         Produced daily itinerary of television programs
         to watch. Duties included changing channels,
         avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after
         those messages.

         DEBT CONSOLIDATION    (4/97-12/99)
         Using various tools such as credit cards and
         borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups
         of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that
         goes straight to my father.

         RESIDENT INHALER      (9/98-6/99)
         Assisted all students with chemical intake from
         purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS:
        *Solitaire
        *Minesweeper
        *On/Off Repair Method

HONOURS AND AWARDS:
        *First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
        *Said Toast at brother's wedding
        *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive
responses, please pose all questions as though you're
considering me as a law school applicant.

 

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted
his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully,
and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked
down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked
down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end
of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a
cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper
nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one,
too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he
got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the
Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands
above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back
and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

 

Biblical Rule (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked
his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his
use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.   You
bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get
your hair cut, then we'll talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father
if he could use the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought
your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get
your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know
dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had
long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."

 

 

Well, MY Daughter....
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on
their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter
more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff.
"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week,
and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"
declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me
to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the
Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her
mother like my Jackie does.  Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best
psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty
dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"

 

 

A Red Faced Moment!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A member of the audience, Donald Kramer, responded to my request for
his most embarrassing moment with this little ditty.  I encourage you
to send your funnies embarrassing moment FROM THE SUMMER to
[email protected]

If we used your story, we'll "put just your FIRST name in lights!" if
you like... LOL  Plus we'll include one line of whatever you want
below that, such as your business or website address, if you dare! 

All stories become the property of AllWorld Internet Services to
publish as we wish. Thank you.  Now, onto the fun!

-----

Training Exercise
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

While in the military in Europe, I was traveling from Amsterdam to
Frankfort by train. I had to change trains at Cologne. My train was on
tack 3B.

I entered the compartment and started a conversation with a gentlemen
as the train began to pull out of the station.

"Where are you going?" he asked.
"Frankfort," I said. 
"Oh, my, I am going to Hamburg," he exclaimed, "and I just realized
that Hamburg is in the opposite direction!" 

He ran down the corridor and jumped off the train just as it came to
the end of the platform, almost killing himself. 

I turned to the conductor standing in the corridor, and asked, "This
train does go to Frankfort, doesn't it?" 

The conductor replied with a look of disdain, "No, this train goes to
Hamburg, sir..."

 

 

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told
her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then
why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also
told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe
there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of
us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

~~

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a
seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane
slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a thirteen-year-old kid, sitting nearby,
turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy
on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same
thing thirteen years ago, I would have a seat today."

 

 

Promising Confession (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A young Irish man goes into a confessional box in a Church in
Dublin and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have
been with a loose and immoral woman."

The priest said "Is that you, Thomas O'Rourke?"

"Yes," replies the young man, "it is I, Father."

"Tell me, Thomas, who was the loose & immoral woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I do not want to do further
damage to her reputation."

The priest asked, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No, Father, it was not."

The priest said, "Hmmm, let me see, was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

"No, Father, it was not, and please don't ask me to tell you her name
again."

"Oh, come on, Thomas, you can tell me. Was it Margaret Shanahan?"

"Well, it might have been, but no, Father, it was not! Please,
father, I cannot tell you her name.  I won't do anything to hurt her,
not even before God.  And if you ask me again I will have to leave
immediately!"

The priest finally says, "Okay, Thomas, I admire and respect your
perseverance.  You are a true gentleman. I won't ask again but you
must atone for your sins. Your penance will be 4 Our Fathers and 5
Hail Mary's. Now go back to your seat."

Thomas walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and
whispers, "Well, what happened?"

Thomas replies "I got 4 Our Fathers, 5 Hail Marys and 3 Good Leads."

 

 

Respect for Wildlife
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(This one is bit technical, so put on your thinking cap. 
Well worth the effort I do believe!)

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical
headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality
simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training,
programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the
realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and,
in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix,
herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give
away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's
Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed
developers to model the local marsupials' movements and
reactions to helicopters.

Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some
code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions
under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a
soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of
movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting
American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual
kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos
scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded
appreciatively . . . then did a double-take as the kangaroos
reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of
Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the
programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the
infantry coding.)

The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes,
and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits
all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned
to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the
Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point
onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were
meant to.

 

 

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured
by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad
news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill
you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then
we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good
news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him
a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs
himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief
gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head
and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled,
but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes
the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach,
the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing
out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and
asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker
responds, "So much for your damn canoe!"

 

A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington.

The bride is concerned about the room being bugged.

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."
 
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the
rug. "A-HA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He
gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws
them and the disc out the window.
 
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How
was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the
Watergate Hotel?"
 
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"
 
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained
of the chandelier falling on them!"

 

 

Confessions in the Field (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test.  He releases a rabbit into a
forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they
burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the
rabbit, and they make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming!"

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a
badly beaten porcupine. The porcupine is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!  Notice the soft fur?"

 

Family Dysfunction
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Top 9 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional

1.  New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your
family.

2.  Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

3.  Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last
beer.

4. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

5. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

6.  Holiday usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster
around the house.

7. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

8. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from
Penthouse Forum.

9.  Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast
turkey.

 

 

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom
facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The
flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he
use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to
press any of the buttons therein.

Next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP
ATR. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening
to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity
got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and
immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his
bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it
nice!"

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body-
temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried
it comfortably. "Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women
take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft
disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his
bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought
as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just
wearing off... confused, he buzzed the nurse to find
out what happened. He explained that the last thing
he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on
the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have
been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic
Tampon Removal button."

 

 

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her
husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single
day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

 

Where Does Little Johnnie Get This Stuff?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-

Miss Figpot instructed her class to "use 'harassment'
in a sentence."

Our famous little Johnnie jumped up from his seat in the back
of the room and said, "When he went to touch her, her mouth said 'no',
but her ass meant 'yes'!"

 

 

With Great Deliberation
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Mrs. Crumps was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be
excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't
want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its
proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and
tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple
civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband
because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel
the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Crumps, "I'll serve. I guess I could be
wrong about capital punishment after all."

Contributed by: Rodney and Cathy's Joke List,
"friendly competitors."  We happily steal material
from one another all the time!  Thanks Rodney.  :-)

-----

 

Change of Pace (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole.
He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated,
around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting
the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door
and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for
his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But,
Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a
little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why
don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a
kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth
trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight,
he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the
door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took
his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an
easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After
a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go
upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as
well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

 

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping
all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the
bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball,
sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"  The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate
the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He
eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for
the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his
bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his
monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is drinking,
the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs
it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The
bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then
pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that
doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he measures everything first!"

~~

 

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to
fill out the application.

The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said
that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death
of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the
client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was
taking part in a public function when the platform gave
way.'"

 

 

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with
himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her
killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a
nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of
"Artie".

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was
willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance
money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar
bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A
few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the
produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his
gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last
breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling
to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by
hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and
arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid
plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless
husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

 

Talking Clock
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-
shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it
off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

 

Oppositional Tragedy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border. To their surprise, they found the dead body of an Iraqi
soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American
soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely
alive. They ran to him, cradled him and asked him what had happened?

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
teeth.  I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked
him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled,
lying bastard!"

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton
is an unprincipled, lying bastard!"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck suddenly hit us."

 

Things You Will Never Hear a Man Say
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool guy.  (Gee)

2. No, I don't want another beer. I have work tomorrow, Honey.

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy!

4. Her breasts are just too large.

5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

6. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.

7. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can
    hold your purse for you!

9. Forget "Monday Night Football." Let's watch Melrose Place.

10. I think we are lost.  We better pull over and ask for directions.

11. It's late.  Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.

12. Honey, I'm going to the store.  Do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15.  I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you.  Go on ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.

18. My butt's too big.  Don't lie.  It's true.  I know my butt's too
big.

19. It's okay, I'll sleep in the wet spot.

20. {snip}

21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.{snip}

22. Your mother's coming to stay with us again? Great!

23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
      when she's getting ready for bed.  Maybe I should tell her.

24. No way. You weeded the garden last week.  It's my turn.

25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines.   I don't look at
      them anymore since I met you.

26. I understand.

27. This movie has too much nudity.

28. Damn, we're late for church.

29. {snip}

30. Oversized T-shirts are so sexy, especially on really heavy women.

31. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

 

 

Your Problem...My Situation

When you get angry it's because you're ill-tempered... It
just happens that my nerves are bothering me.

When you don't like someone it's because you're prejudiced...
I just happen to be a good judge of human nature.

When you compliment people it's because you use flattery to
get your way... I only encourage people.

When you take a long time to do a job it's because you're
unbearable slow and pokey... I take a long time because I
believe in quality workmanship.

When you spend your paycheck in 24 hours, it's because you're
a spendthrift... When I do, it's because I'm generous.

When you stay in bed until 11 A.M., it's because you're a
lazy good-for-nothing... When I stay in bed a little longer,
it's because I'm totally exhausted.

Without Representation (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two
weeks, but nothing happened.  Then he decided to write a letter to
God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they
decided to send it to President Clinton. 

The president  was so impressed, touched, and amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.

Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down
to write a thank-you note to God which read:

"Dear God,

Thank you for sending me the money!

However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through
Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards taxed it by 95
percent!"

 

Controlled Birth
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"

"What!?  How could you?" screamed the Mother, "and
just who is the father?"

The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know?  You're the one who would never
let me go steady!"

 

Matter of Perspective
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife in bed.  He tried
hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to give her an orgasm. He
finally went to his best friend and asked for advice.

His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a
100% successful. "Hire a big strong black man to stand near your bed
and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. Your
wife is sure to have an orgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, hopped into bed, and while the huge
black guy waved the towel, he made hot monkey love to his wife. But
all his efforts were in vain. No orgasm.

He went back to his friend and told him what had happened. His friend
suggested that the husband and the big guy switch places. "Why don't
you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed". The
husband agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife.

The husband hired the same guy again and this time they traded
places. The strong guy made wild, hot, crazy love to the man's wife
while the husband stood and waved the towel.

Naturally, the wife had a divine orgasm.

The husband leaned over to the black guy and said proudly, "You see!
That's how you have to wave the towel."

 

 

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she
had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic ensued until her
sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately, they were too small and by the time the
festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony. When she
and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could
think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the
bedroom and they heard what they expected: grunts,
straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now
for the other one."

More grunting and straining followed, and at last Edward
said "My God! That was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a
sailor."

 

Sunbathing (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Joan, a rather well-proportioned though near-sighted
secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the
roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few
days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan.

After several days she decided that no one could see her way
up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the
stairs; she was lying  on her stomach, so she just pulled a
towel over her bottom.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant
manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the
stairs.  "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof,
but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit
as you have for the past week."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel."

"Not  exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're
lying on the dining room skylight!"

 

 

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning
at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the
attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't
give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

~~

Heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando:

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your
head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please
lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

~~

A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one
of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the
examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran
down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what
the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down
and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and
you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on
his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

 

Anything?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with
her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome and extremely
sexy young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from
him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward them.  Before she could offer her apologies for being
so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$100, on one condition..."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What's the condition?"
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her
purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed
into the young man's hand.  She looked deeply into his eyes and
slowly and meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

 

It Takes A Village
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A Red Faced moment from one of you.  Enjoy!

-----

My daughter is now grown up & married, but I still cringe when I
think of this incident.

For her 8th birthday we gave her a little party.

South Africa did not yet have TV, so for part of the entertainment
we showed cine 8 silent movies, cartoons, etc.

During the showing of the movies, I observed my daughter really
behaving badly and acting like a real little brat.

I thought this rather strange as she normally is well behaved.

I thought, "I will quickly put an end to this behavior," and waded
into my blonde-haired, blue-eyed child with my beach thong.

After the 3rd smack on her bottom, I realized to my horror it was NOT
my child!  Her little face, with a shocked look, was one I recognized
as her close friend.  Well, they DID look alike!

 

 

A man came home one evening and found his wife
in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the
offending man by his private parts and dragged him
to the garage. After putting the private parts into a
vice and removing the key so it couldn't be loosened,
he walked over to the bench and took a saw off the
pegboard.

The naked offender said, "My god!  Are you going to
cut it off?"

The husband replied "Oh no sir, this is for you. I am
going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you
do next is your decision."

~~

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said
that he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down
with V.D. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the
maid, so it has to be her."

"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit
that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to
have the same symptoms."

"That's unfortunate."

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."

"Oh crap," said the doc, "That means we all have it."

 

Playing it Safe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's
journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the
devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man
said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the
devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I
don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

 

 

Fast Times
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A 7 year old boy, Kent, and his 4 year old brother, Jason, were
upstairs in their bedroom.  Kent explained that it was high time that
the two of them begin swearing so they would have plenty of practice
for when they got older.  Four year old Jason agreed enthusiastically,
taking the lead from his older brother. 

"OK," the 7 year old said, "so when we go down stairs for breakfast
this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'  Jason agreed with
an enthusiastic nod.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their
Mother walks in and asks her eldest son what he would like to eat for
breakfast.  The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have
some Cheerios.  Thanks."

She was very shocked and screamed at Kent, "GO TO YOUR ROOM.  NO
BREAKFAST FOR YOU!" Kent left very upset.  She turned to Jason and
asked, "And what do YOU want for breakfast this morning, Jason?"

Upset about what had happened to Kent, he replied, "I don't know,
but you can bet your ass it's not Cheerios!"

 

With the Flow
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and
notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.
He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the
aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is
anxious to begin a conversation with her.

He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He's CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to
him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!! "And what do
you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African
American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native
Americans who own this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the
Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who make the best lovers.  And in fact, the men who share
both traits of endowment and technique are the rednecks."

"Hmmm....  Very interesting....." the man responds, "thank you for
helping me understand this so effectively."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm
sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you
when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein.
But my friends call me Bubba!"

 

 

A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall
carpeting. When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the
middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his
cigarettes--they were gone.

He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went
outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it
would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered
up his tools and carried them to his truck.

Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his
cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he
heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged.
"Have you seen anything of my parakeet?" she asked
plaintively.

 

 

A mime had a show to do, but also had a very bad cough.
He went to a health foods store and asked for something
for his cough. The clerk suggested that he make some
cinnamon stick and thyme tea. The next day in Variety, a
headline said, "A stick in thyme saves mime."

~~

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool,
enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!"
He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears
the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears,
"Is that a new shirt or something? Because you
are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that
the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with
the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

 

 

Net Friday
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It seems that the LAPD just jumped into the Internet world.

Chosen to facilitate training was none other than Sgt. Joe Friday.
After one week he had to give a presentation explaining Usenet to all
the officers.

At the presentation, one woman said, "Joe, you seem to know so much
about this stuff.  Did you really read all those postings?"

"No.  Just the FAQs, Ma'am."

 

Calming Bob
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Bob was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car
broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the
wreck and revived him.

Bob began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the
medics.

Later, when Bob was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

Bob said,  "I remembered the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a
concrete slab in front of a huge,  flashing sign. Turns out somebody
was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.

 

Attractive Light
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In the good old days, when innocence lasted longer, a young couple
was about to have their first child. They called for the doctor and
he arrived on the scene late at night and just in time.

"Son, you hold this lamp up so I can see," instructed the doctor.

A few minutes went by and a lovely baby son appeared in the doctor's
hands.

"Now hold that lamp over here closer. I think there may be more,"
requested the doctor.

A few more minutes passed by and the baby boy was joined by his twin
sister!

"Keep holding that lamp, Son," the doctor requested once again.

And again, there was a another bouncing baby girl born to the
innocent but proud young father!

"Wow!" said the excited man.  "Do you think the light is attracting
them?"

 

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him,
an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond 
ring he had ever seen. 
 
He asked her about it.
 
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. 
"It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes
with it."
 
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
 
"Mr. Klopman."
 

 

One day, as I came home early from work, and I saw a guy
jogging naked. I caught up with the guy and asked "Hey,
why are you jogging naked?"

He said, "Because you came home early."

 

 

It is the time of French Revolution and the guillotine
was hard at work everyday. Today they're leading a priest,
a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when
he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to
face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it
comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from
his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention
and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides
to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the
priest.  They raise the blade of the guillotine, release
it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches
from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They
slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the
engineer says, "Hey, I see what your problem is."

~~

A group of Q.A. inspectors from Boeing were given the
assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they
go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures,
and end up falling off the ladders and dropping the tape
measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to
do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground,
lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the
measurement to one of the inspectors and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one inspector turns to
another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer.
We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length."

 

 

It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful
technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with
serious consequences.
 
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-
filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife
was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the
next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his
wife a quick email.
 
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter,
and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's
wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at
the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
in a dead faint.
 
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this
note on the screen:
 
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

 

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The
doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely
nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you
just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to
sleep alone."

~~

A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local
police force. The question asked, "If you were driving
a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and were
being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles
an hour, what would you do?"

The young man answered without a second's thought:
"Seventy!"

~~

Two drunks are stumbling along a railroad track which
happens to go up a mountain. The first drunk says, "These
are the lousiest steps I ever tried to climb!"

The second, who is bent over, replies, "You think that's
bad, wait till you try to hold the handrail!"

~~

On television my 88 year old stepfather and I saw an
attractive woman wearing an evening gown with leg
openings going all the way up to her waist.

"Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.

"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I
speculated.

"No," he said, "I think it makes the men look longer."

~~

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic
of children came up. The bride said she wanted three
children, while the young husband said two would be enough
for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes
until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by
saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a
vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well,
I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

 

 

In Disguise
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A young naïve brunette woman goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor.  "Please show me what you mean."

She pushes her elbow with her index finger and screams in agony.

She presses her knee in the same way and screams, pushes her ankle
and screams and so it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really
a blonde, aren't you?"

She says, "Yes, Doctor.  How did you know?"

"I thought so," he says.  "Your finger is broken!"

 

 

Iraqi TV Guide
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

MONDAY
7:30 The Allah Bunch
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah Alla McBeal
10:00 Saddam's Funniest Military Videos

TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 Mahatma's Place

WEDNESDAY
7:30 Who Wants to be a Hussein Heir?
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Party of Hussein
10:00 Hussein's Harem 90210

THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless
Dresses
9:30 Veilwatch
10:00 My Two Baghdads
10:30 Saddam's Trek: The Next Generation

FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News

SATURDAY
7:30 Saddam's Incredible!
8:00 Mohammed: The Legendary Journeys
8:30 Allah Allah
9:00 The World Around Iraq

Disclaimer: For those of you who may take offense to this joke, first
of all it is that - a joke.  Beyond that, I felt I should add my
thoughts.  As I see it, it is based on the less than openhearted
approach of a man dictating the lives of others.  I also realize that
many find peace in that homeland, and I respect fully the traditions
and beliefs of the lovely Iraqi people, beyond the approach of an
apparently cruel man. 

 

 

Other Definitions
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

   ANTIBODY: against everyone
   ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
   BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
   BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
   BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
   CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
   CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of card playing
   CAT SCAN: searching for one's lost kitty
   COMA: a punctuation mark
   CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
   D & C: where Washington is
   DILATE: to live longer
   ENEMA: not a friend
   ER: the things on your head that you hear with
   FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
   GENES: blue denim slacks
   HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
   IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
   LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
   MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
   ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move it.
   PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
   PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
   PHARMACIST: person who makes a living by farming
   PROTEIN: in favor of young people
   RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
   RHEUMATIC: amorous
   SECRETION: hiding things
   TABLET: a small table
   TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
   TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
   TUMOR: an extra pair
   URINE: opposite of "you're out"
   VARICOSE: very close
   VEIN: conceited

 

 

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant
carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were
curious. We asked a waiter why.

"As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it
was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware
item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons
so  that the item can be instantly replaced."
 
As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of
the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to
go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out
and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our
hands."
 
We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and
aim, but how do you get yourself back in?"

"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other
guys, but I use the two spoons!"

 

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was
obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had
just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he
said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Kinkaid.
But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only,
the shell--the nut has gone to heaven."

Inhibitions Lost?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street.

They stopped her and decided she had had far too much to drink, so
instead of taking her to jail they offered to drive her home.

The cops loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers
got in the back seat with the drunk woman. As they drove through the
streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, but all she would
say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response
as she stroked his arm: "You're Passionate."

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and
said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two
hours and you still haven't told us where you live."

The drunk lady replied, "I keep trying to tell you, "You're Passin'
It!"

 

Lessons Learned
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on
science.  She had explained about magnets and showed how they would
pick up nails and other bits of iron.  Now it was question time and
she asked, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things.

What am I?" 

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

 

 

Siamese Shyness
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Morris starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be
Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris
realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what
she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your
trombone."

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past Morris' apartment
building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"

 

 

 

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking
crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything,
it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had
folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone
belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some
of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and
is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-
dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got
the chop. Analysts report that there is something
fishy going on at Sushi Bank and the staff there
fear they may get a raw deal.

 

 

 

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train
to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each
buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a
single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and
close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it
and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to
copy the engineers on the return trip and save some
money. When they get to the station, they buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks
one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into
a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

 

A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me.
It's my son."

"What's the matter?"

"He's always eating mud pies. I get up in the morning and
there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come hoes at
lunch and he's eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and
there he is in the backyard eating mud pies."

The psychiatrist reassured him, "Give the kid a chance. It's
all part of growing up. It'll pass."

"Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife."

 

 

Fur Fury!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A young mistress was accosted by an animal activist about wearing a
mink coat, who was shouting, 'Do you know how many animals had to die
for that coat?'

She shot back, 'Do you know how many animals I had to sleep with to
get it?'

 

 

New Church Bloopers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Here are some new "Church Bulletin Board Bloopers"
-----

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a
check and drip in the collection basket.

Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will
give the medication.

Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with My Solo."

Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their
daughter October 12 thru 17.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the
grounds around the church building and the rector.

Hymn:  "I Love Thee My Ford."

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in
the foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's
Cathedral.

As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

Thank you, dead friends.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

 

 

 

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.  He didn't have to
hear about all the men she could have married, and she
didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

 

 

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to
the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when
a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of
the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look,
you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate
love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's
screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Long
Island Ferry."

 

 

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."

 

 

"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife. Let's swap
positions tonight."

"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of
the sink and do the dishes.  I'll sit in front of the TV
and fart."

~~

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice
fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other
has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the
ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks
the other what his secret is.

"Mmmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Mmmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman
repeats.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The other man
spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I
said, 'You've got to keep your worms warm.' "

 

 

 

Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When
it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on
backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open.

A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing
the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat.

Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie
policeman standing nearby: "What happened?"

"Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got
here, and by the time I got the head of the other one
straightened around, he was dead, too."

 

 

 

An executive from Kelloggs went to see the Pope at the
Vatican with an offer.

"Pope" he said. "Kelloggs would like to offer you a
sponsorship deal worth $10 million dollars. All you have
to do is change the words of the Lords Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our
daily Corn Flakes.' "

The Pope replied "That is preposterous. The Lords Prayer
is a holy and secret prayer given to us by Jesus. Get
out of my site you heathen."

The man went away but came back the next day.

"Your wholeness we at Kelloggs would like to make you
another offer. This time the offer is $100 million if
you will change the words of the Lords Prayer to 'give
us this day our daily Corn Flakes'."

The Pope said "Listen to me ye of little faith, tell
the people at Kelloggs they will never understand the
value we place on our tradition."

The next day the man returned with a final offer. "I
spoke to my boss and he understands what you mean by
value and tradition. Our final offer is $1 billion
if you change the words of the Lords Prayer to read
'give us this day our daily Corn Flakes'."

The Pope became infuriated "Everyday you have come here
and badgered me with your offers. Leave me alone. I wish
to pray to the Lord above for guidance."

The Pope retires to the Cystine Chapel for some solemn
prayer and emerges 3 hours later. He calls a meeting
of all of the top cardinals.

The Pope addresses the cardinals and says "Lads I've got
some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
we have won a new contract with Kelloggs worth $1 billion."

"Well what's the bad news?" a cardinal asks.

The Pope sighed and replied "The bad news is we'll have
to cancel our long standing contract with Wonderbread
Bakeries"

 

 

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's
crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on
his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib like that for only $46.50."

 

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her
career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might
lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye
surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate
surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her
gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her
work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When
she had finished her work, she held a press conference to
unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye
on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first
reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially
that large eye on the wall?'

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank
the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'"

 

 

Family Tree
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One day a sweet little girl became puzzled about her
origin:  "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God
sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and
dads too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them," replied her mother.

The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you're
telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200
years?  No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

 

 

Holy Conversions
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A Jewish man is worried that his son is going to convert to
Christianity, so he sends him to the Holy Land to get in touch
with his faith.

A few months later the man's son comes back and says with great
enthusiasm and says, "Guess what Dad, I just converted to
Christianity!"

The Jewish man is crushed and goes to his rabbi for advice.

The man tells his Rabbi the story and the Rabbi says
sympathetically, "Funny you should come to me! The exact same thing
happened to me! I was worried about my sons faith, so I sent him to
the Holy Land and he came back a Christian!"

The Rabbi suggests that the two men pray for their sons.

While in prayer, God says to them, "Funny you should come to me! The
exact same thing happened to me!"

 

 

Right in the middle of the service and just before the
sermon, a member of the choir remembered she had forgotten to
turn off the gas under the roast.

Hurriedly she scribbled a note and passed it to the usher to
give to her husband.

Unfortunately, the usher misunderstood her intention and took
it to the pulpit. Unfolding the note, the preacher read
aloud, "Please go home and turn off the gas."

 

Toddler Rules of Ownership
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it...

Oops.  Sorry, I goofed. I had meant to send you the Toddler
Property Laws, but I've accidentally typed out Bill Gates' primary
business plan instead.

 

 

Blindly Entertaining
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond, the bouncer
is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. black belt and blond. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player and blond. The
fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler and blond.
Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."

 

Men vs. Women
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

WOMEN:

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry
hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and
joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to
cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after
a snowy drive home. Women have special qualities about them. They
volunteer for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals, they
bring food to shut-ins.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home
moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and
they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand
up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings. They
vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues. They
walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right
schools and for getting their family   the right health care.

They write to the editor, their congressmen and to the "powers that
be" for things that make for a better life.  They don't take "no"
for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.  They
stick a love note in their lover's lunch box. They do without new
shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a
frightened friend. They love unconditionally. Women are honest,
loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is
power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a
point.

Women want to be the best for their families, their friends, and
themselves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their
friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a
new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend  dies. They have
sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they  are strong when they
think there is no strength left.  A woman's touch can cure any
ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all
sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and
cabins. They  drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much
they care about you.  The heart of a woman is what makes the world
spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their
family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for
you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy things and killing all kinds of bugs.

 

 

"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women
would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry
and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I
cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65
MPH."

 

 

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette,
one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner
asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the
executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner
asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the
executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings
her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last
requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,
"Ready!... Aim!! ..."

...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

 

 

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of
coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There
will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency
has been declared," the weather report said. 
 
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the
streets."
 
Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
 
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups
of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4
inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been
declared. 
 
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the
streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from
his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8
inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and
Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.
 
He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"
 
Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned
garage today."

 

 

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

It's not hard...

 

 

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting
along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's
house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick, my
husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the
man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
"Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would
come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him
and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me
in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

 

Storytelling Standards
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one
of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once
Upon a Time?'"

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with
'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight'"

 

 

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
     probably never be able to support you.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
     required pressure.

Q: What food have scientists discovered that diminishes a
     woman's sex drive by 90%.
A: It's called a Wedding Cake.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Young Son:
"Is it true, Dad?  I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad:
That happens in every country, son.

Q: Are women equal to men?
A: No, not until they can walk down the street with a bald head
     and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

 

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE'
WHEN.............
1.  You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2.  Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
     discover you aren't wearing any.
3.  At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and
you're not eating cereal.
4.  Your back goes out but you stay home.
5.  When you wake up looking like your driver's license
picture.
6.  It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7.  When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8.  When happy hour is a nap.
9.  When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before
your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said
to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded
of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to
make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking
lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the
sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were
on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel
good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just
don't  care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't
even remember being on top of it.

 

 

Two tourists were driving through Texas. As they were
approaching the town of Nacogdoches, they started arguing
about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde
employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an
argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,
very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-
gerrrrrrr-kinnnnngggg."

 

 

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to
visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark
and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her
hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked her question...

"Will I be acquitted?"

 

 

It's All Relative
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

At age 4,  success is not peeing in your pants
At age 16, success is "getting a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations & weddings
At age 65, success is "getting a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants

 

 

Needs Fulfilled
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.  He
ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. 

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. 

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man
and said, "Come with us." 

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. 

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limo.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows
says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you." 

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass in the field behind my
home is nearly a foot tall."

 

 

A long time ago when Canada was being settled, a group of
people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast.
The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the
people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering
for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and
winter was fast approaching.

As the group came over a hill they saw the first person
they had seen for days; a strange old man sitting beneath
a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man.
"Can you help us? We're heading west but we're lost and
all our food is gone. We're starving."

The old man replied, "You know, I can see the future....
Wait.. I'm getting a vision now." He held one hand to his
brow and closed his eyes in concentration. "It's coming.
Oh yes, I see, I see.  I know what you must do. Go up this
hill and down the other side. Go through the forest and
across the stream. Then go up the next hill and down to
the valley below. There you will find a bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.

"A bacon tree. Trust me. I can see the future."

The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group
followed the strange old man's directions exactly. They
went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest,
across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley
below. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a thing and especially not
a bacon tree. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came
Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one man
was killed and even he was seriously wounded. He crawled
up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through
the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the
valley. There, under the tree was that same strange old
man, still there where they had left him.

The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting...
"What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We
followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the
hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the
stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO
BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of them! Everyone else
is DEAD!"

The man held up his hand and said "Wait for it... I'm
getting a vision.... Uhuh. Ooooh. Oh, I get it..... Oh my,
I made a mistake... T'was not a bacon tree...

...T'was a hambush."

 

 

Don't Follow Too Close!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-<

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family followed an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:

"Energy efficient vehicle.  Runs on oats and grass. 
Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

 

 

Bad Dates Defined
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

GIRLS, YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A BAD DATE WHEN:

You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't
Rockefeller, Honey."

He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.

Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2"

He's especially proud of how long he can sustain a belch.

He calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as he breaks
out of the standoff with the police.

He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.

and for the gentlemen...

-----

GUYS, YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A BAD DATE WHEN:

All she talks about is how great it is working for Heidi Fleiss.

You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your
windshield.

She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.

She keeps calling you "Bachelor Number Two."

When she says, "Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?"

She transitions the conversation by saying "I've said enough about
me. What do YOU think about me?"

 

 

3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are
forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I
have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven 
because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will
depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How
long were you married?" 

The first guy says, "24 years." 

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy
said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
 
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to
drive."
 
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from
Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated
on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked
it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln." 

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look
at another woman! I  treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto
saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he
said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

 

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's
meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked
if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, Sir," the clerk told him, apologetically,
"but down the hall is a special machine that should serve
your purposes."

Skeptical, but intrigued, the salesman located the
appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, stuck his head
in the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later, the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror,
which reflected the best haircut he had ever received in
his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read,
"Manicures-25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money,
inserted his hands into the slot and pulled them out,
perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives -
Cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing
nobody around, he put in 50 cents, then with great
anticipation, (since he had been away from his wife for
two weeks), he unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing"
into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out this
terrible shriek of agony!!! Fifteen seconds later, it shut
off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw
his "thingy..."

...which now had a button neatly sewed on the tip.

 

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who
are the men fooling around with?

 

 

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked
after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful
satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he
asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please
bring up a postcard."

 

One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemans' Club."
One of the friends wanted to impress the other two,
so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over
to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put
it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill.
He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it
on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out
his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM
card, swiped it down her butt, grabbed the 60 bucks, and
headed for the door.

 

Change of Times
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

After the teacher asked the pupil what 'DC' stood for, the student
added, "Dot com!"

 

Beauty Secrets
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Little Johnnie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnnie, "giving up?"

 

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants
At age 16, success is "getting a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations & weddings
At age 65, success is "getting a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants

 

Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and
had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give
his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck
at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that
was scooping in one after another. He had to know The
Secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort
of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I
am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human
tonsil works very well."

Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to
try next time, and left.

The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different
bait and still had no luck.

Just as the day before, there was yet a different man
reeling in fish after fish.

"Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait
that I could try?"

"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good.
I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake
would require a little more effort than normal. He left,
willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual,
there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left
and right.

Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me
sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi. Why do you ask?"

 

Lane Change
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Britain decided it was time to switch left lane
traffic to right lane traffic, the same as everywhere else in
Europe.  So they gathered to plan the whole thing and
nobody seemed to come up with any viable solution, so
they sent out some help-me type faxes.

A couple of days later, answers come back.

The French fax read:
"As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help,"
etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all how to do it." 

The German fax read:
"We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have
not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it." 

The Russian fax read:
"As you know, we are Russia, a country that has done a lot on the
path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great
deal of experience in such progressive transitional processes.  It is
our proposal to handle the situation in one big step. Make it
mandatory for only the trucks to drive in the right lane."

 

 

Government Efficiency
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it
at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4)
and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?"  So they created a planning position and hired
two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12)
and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?"  So they created a Q. C. position
and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one
GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
so they created the following positions, a time keeper (GS-09) and a
payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative position and hired
three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin.
Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation
for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost," so they laid off, the night watchman.

 

New Moral Code
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Inspired by our fearless leader, President Clinton, here are some new
ground rules to help people determine if their sexual affair count.
This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have
cheated on your spouse or significant other after lurid affairs:

1.  Oral Sex does not count.  That much has been established.

2.  If you can't remember the person's name the following day,
     it doesn't count.

3.  If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, it
     doesn't count.

4.  If neither of you achieved orgasm, it doesn't count.

5.  Sex with a friend doesn't count; it's just another thing for you
     share together!  (Now you have something to tell women when they
     say they just want to be friends!)

6.  If the act was so lame you leave thinking, "Did I really put
     shower for that?" doesn't count.

7.  An old flame, doesn't count.  This is just called final closure.

8.  An ex-spouse, doesn't count.  This is mercy sex.

9.  Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same.  Nope
     doesn't count, since masturbation isn't sex.  That too has been
     established.

10.  Cyber-sex?  NO WAY!  This is glorified masturbation.

11.  Two heterosexual women intimate fun, but not sex, doesn't count.

12.  Kissing body parts is not cheating.

13.  An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not
       sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other on a
       first-name basis.

14.  A sexual act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't
       count.

15.  An act committed with a family member of your significant other
       doesn't count.  This should just be referred to as "a skeleton
       in the family closet."

16.  Acts committed in a public place doesn't count. (Why should it?
       It was public, right?).

17.  Phone sex doesn't count.  Refer back to "glorified
       masturbation."

18.  Sex in car, doesn't count.  Way too cramped to really enjoy it. 
       However, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick
       shift, this counts, because it is way too kinky and erotic NOT
       TO count.  Well, unless the act was totally oral.  If so,
       refer back to rule #1.

19.  An act in which the female did not achieve total satisfaction
       doesn't count.

20.  An act in which no kissing takes place doesn't count, because
       it isn't consider intimate.

21.  An act in which "you do all the work" doesn't count.  That's
       work!

22.  An act committed with your next door neighbor doesn't
count.  This should be referred to as "being neighborly."

23.  An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with
       your significant other doesn't count.  Well, you were
       angry, and everyone knows no one is responsible for their own
feelings.  See rule #14.

25.  An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count.
      This should be considered "getting aquainted."

26. An act with a US President, doesn't count, unless the Senate
      votes to impeach.

27. An act with your boss, doesn't count.  This is just considered
      career enhancement and/or additional employee benefits.

WARNING: Any sex that results in pregnancy, or a social disease
DOES count, since such things provide constant reminders.

 

How to Win Arguments 
 
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win
an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know
this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of
their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can
win arguments. Simply follow these rules: 
 
* Drink Liquor. 
 
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is
expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing
about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like
grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your
ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG
VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of
information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing
insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be
impressed. Some may leave the room. 
 
* Make things up. 
 
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to
prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on
the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're
going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say:
"I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average
Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised
tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the
mean gross poverty level." 
 
NOTE: Always make up exact figures. 
 
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make
THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T.
Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.
Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you
would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath
house." 
 
* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. 
 
Memorize this list: 
 
Let me put it this way 
In terms of 
Vis-a-vis 
Per se 
As it were 
Qua 
So to speak 
 
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as
"Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak
Latin, and you do not." 
 
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want
to say: 
 
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but
they don't have enough money." 
 
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win
if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order
them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough
money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." 
 
Only a fool would challenge that statement. 
 
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. 
 
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire
back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best
are: 
 
You're begging the question. 
You're being defensive. 
Don't compare apples and oranges. 
What are your parameters? 
 
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than
mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. 
 
Here's how to use your comebacks: 
 
You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says, "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."
 
OR 
 
You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa."
You say, "You're being defensive." 
 
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not
try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons. 

 

 

A guy goes into a lounge wearing a shirt open at the
collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must
wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for
a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.
He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In
desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the
ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully
looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well,
OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

 

 

Q: Here is a well-known English word. Can you figure
out what it is?

E10100010001000UNI100ATXN


A: E 10 100 0 1000 1000 UNI 100 AT X N

E X C 0 M M UNI C AT 10 N  (Think Roman Numerals)

 

Childlike Curiosity
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had
a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor
was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying, "I don't
know how he did it!"

Finally the doctor managed to remove the little car, and the father
and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox
shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "Now I know how he
did it!"

 

Visual Indicators
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at
home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in
the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers
all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a
broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the
back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his
wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that
something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas
on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here
today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you
come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes, was his reply." She answered, "Well, today I didn't do
it!"

 

Matters Into Her Own Hands
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The blonde went into a shoe store to buy a pair of alligator shoes.
After trying them on, she asked about the price. Learning that the
shoes were very expensive, she decided she would go out into the
bayou and get her own alligator shoes.

Later that afternoon, the shopkeeper was on his way home, going
through the bayou, when he noticed the same blonde with a 12-guage
shotgun. She was dragging a 12-foot alligator onto the bank, where
she stacked it near a large pile of alligators. As she turned the
gator over, he heard her shout, "Damn,this one isn't wearing shoes
either."

 

Boot Dream Come True
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam has always wanted an
expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
bought a pair and wore them home.  When he arrived home, he asked
Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the
same pants.  What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam went into the bathroom, undressed and came out
wearing only his new boots. Again, he said, "Bessie, do you notice
anything different about me?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down
yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN?
Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!"

Bessie replied, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

 

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there
anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over
with your family?"

"Yeah.  They're in favor 15 to 2."

 

An excuse to have some beer tonight.....

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water
1 degree Celsius.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you
eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in
large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed
dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle
literally sucks the calories out of the only available
source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C
(32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal
body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each
gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37
calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz,
or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law,
6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are
extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is
normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the
net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously,
the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the
faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer
in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent
calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz.
portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net
calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
calories (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body
in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial,
since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0
deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to
body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and
it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink
beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above
body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully,
as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious
solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up
immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this
pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

 

Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and
college test papers and essays submitted to science and
health teachers (spelling errors preserved)....
 
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you
expire."
 
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
 
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube"
 
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"
 
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin
is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
 
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
 
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
 
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration."
 
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader."
 
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
 
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."
 
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it
can hold."
 
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
 
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable
cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i,
o, and u."
 
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst
insects."
 
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
Indiana."
 
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been
taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of
the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
 
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
 
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight."
 
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."
 
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
 
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
 
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
 
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
 
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
 
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
 
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
 
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
 
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the
nose."
 
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
the heart stops."
 
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and
down to make artifical perspiration."
 
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her
arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees
of the nearest medical doctor."
 
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has
not recovered, then kill it."
 
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead."
 
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it
drops in your throat."
 
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 

 

The thought of a sitting First Lady Of The United
States running for an elective office is truly
amazing.  It's amazing how the whole campaign
has caught on.

In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run!"
bumper sticker on his or her car.

Democrats put them on their rear bumpers.

Republicans put them on the front.

 

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday
dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the
meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you
sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might
as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other
day.' "

~~

A Jewish man is worried that his son is going to convert
to Christianity, so he sends him to the Holy Land to get
in touch with his faith.

A few months later the man's son comes back and says with
great enthusiasm, "Guess what Dad, I just converted to
Christianity!"

The Jewish man is crushed and goes to his rabbi for advice.

The man tells his Rabbi the story and the Rabbi says
sympathetically, "Funny you should mention that. The exact
same thing happened to me! I was worried about my son's
faith, so I sent him to the Holy Land and he came back a
Christian!"

The Rabbi suggests that the two men pray for their sons.

While in prayer, God says to them, "Funny you should
mention that. The exact same thing happened to me!"

 

Kill the Messenger
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his
favorite mistress would soon die.  Sure enough, the woman
died a short time later.  The king was outraged at the
astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the
woman's death.  He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:
"Tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill
him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.  "I do not
know when I will die," he answered finally.  "I only know
that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

 

 

Buds and Baskets
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on - no bra.  Her grandmother just throws a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams.  These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and then out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on.  The teenager wants to die.  She
explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that
it is just not appropriate to sit there half-naked.

"Loosen up, sweetie.  If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can
display my hanging baskets!" her grandmother replies.

 

Driver ID by State
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California.  With gun in lap:  L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror:  Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat:  Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
brake, mind on game:  Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a
McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male.

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed
steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming
around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the
road:  Texas country male.

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different
angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and
rat- tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the
accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother
of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from
their own or another's car: Colorado.

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful
eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and
pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to
litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:  West Virginia
male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is
now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window
level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left
blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as
"no-see-um."

Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in
the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn:
New Mexico resident.

 

A few deep thoughts 
 
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
 
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with "quit while you're ahead"?
 
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. they
were cramming for their finals.
 
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers
use...Toothpicks?
 
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so
the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the
mail?
 
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live
there?
 
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the
OTHERS here for?
 
* Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything
will turn out OK.
 
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be
vague.
 
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
didn't zigzag?
 
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And
who has been dissing them anyhow?
 
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
 
* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
 
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

 

Changing Views
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in
a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl
came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.

A fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate
attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and
reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the
same way, it was the style.

He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say
about that, too!"

"Yes dear," she said, "you did.  You asked me for my phone number."

 

Just Irony
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his
computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a
password for login. 

Wanting to embarrass the lady, he told her to enter "PENIS." 

Without blinking an eye or saying a word, she entered the password
as he requested.  She nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the
computer displayed the message in response:

"PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH."

 

Lineup at Pfizer
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of
drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's
society, as follows:

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they
got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new
one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming
urge to perform more child-care tasks. Especially cleaning up spills
and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this
drug for only two days.  It is still to be seen whether the drug can
be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return
limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want
to turn off televised sports and actually converse with their family
members.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).  Especially useful for men on
Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of
other people.  Note: apparent overdoses turned three test subjects
into "special prosecutors."

 

A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first night time
"solo" flight. He wanted to be really cool, so as he
was approaching the small field to land, instead of
making the usual official requests to the tower, he just
said: "Guess whoooo?"

Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the
field lights and said: "Guess whereee..."

 

Rules For Flight
================

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.
If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is,
unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then
they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up
there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on
fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane
used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually
watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever
collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A
'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane
again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes
full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional
to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small
probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain
didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps
talking about might be another airplane going in the
opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that
mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make
equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth
landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag
of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience
before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth
repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's
going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at
all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum
going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero
miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately,
the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going
forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've
missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the
law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the
altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the
airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There
are, however, no old, bold pilots.

 

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished
cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to  knock you into the
middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would
you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

 

From the Gut!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An Irish guy is invited to his first Red Sox game by his
American cousin.  Sitting in the stands, he sees a man hit a
white ball with a stick and run down a white line to a white
bag.  Everyone is yelling, "Run! run!"

Another guy comes up to bat and does the same thing, and
everyone yells, "Run! run!"

A third batter comes up, but he doesn't even swing.  He sees 4
pitches go by, and he strolls to the bag.  The Irish cousin
yells, "Run! run!"

The American cousin says, "He doesn't have to run.  He has 4
balls."

The Irish cousin stands up, and yells, "Walk!!  Walk with pride, man!
Walk with pride!"

 

By the Book
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking
spot overlooking a golf course.  He drove by a car and saw a
couple inside with the dome light on.  There was a young man
in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young
lady in the back seat knitting.  He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.  The young man
looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing here, son?" the policeman asked.

"Exactly what it looks like, sir," answered the young man. "I'm
reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "Exactly what it
looks like also?  She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer asked the young man. "I'm
nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is the young lady?" asked the officer. 

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Seventeen.  And in about
12 minutes she'll be eighteen."

 

A man visiting a village by a railway line was amazed
at the high birth rate.

"A train goes past the village at 4:30 am," a local
explained.

"What's that got to do with it?" asked the man.

"Well, at that time, it's too early to get up, but too
late to go back to sleep."

~~

A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were
discussing how they would continue their relationship
after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you Linda," he said. "I'm a golf
nut. I live...eat... sleep... and breathe golf."

"Well..." Linda said, "Since you're being honest, so will
I. You see, I'm a hooker."

"I see," he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said....
"It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists
straight when you hit the ball."

~~

WARNING!  This one is just plain bad...

A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. When asked how
she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she
explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor
then told her she would have to change positions until
the bruises healed.

She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is
just murder."

 

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A
couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the
cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area
where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the
priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the
grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from
the grave. 
 
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When
the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's
Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." 
 
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth
Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the
magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was
happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced
to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow
citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart
decomposing." 
 

 

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing
but a young woman on his back. "So what the heck are you
supposed to be?" the host asked.

"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" the host spat. "How can
you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman
on your back?"

"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's
Michelle".

 

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon
wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The
groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the
wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a
healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down
the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the
banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little
shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,
"Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've
been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to
speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75
years.  I thought he meant his money!!"

 

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready,
all dressed up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and
as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in.

They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife
goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to
chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be
empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry
I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under
the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her
to come out."

~~

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend
an engagement ring.

Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite
band with a handsome-sized rock in its center. "Excuse me
sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this
ring?"

"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It
goes for $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "But my marriage won't
last that long."

 

Or Else...
-=-=-=-=-=-

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had
been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the
air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired
a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled
forcefully.

No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse
ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I
dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in
Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his
word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has
been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender
wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you
go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

 

Confessions
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An elderly man steps into a confessional and tells the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven
grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two
eighteen year old girls.  I did it twice with each of them!"

The priest replies, "Well my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"

"Never Father.  I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me all of this?" asks the priest.

"Are you kidding!?" exclaims the old man. "I'm telling everybody!"

 

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
 
MESS TEST 
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. 
 
TOY TEST 
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute
roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. 
 
GROCERY STORE TEST 
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay
for anything they eat or damage. 
 
DRESSING TEST 
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small
net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. 
 
FEEDING TEST 
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor. 
 
NIGHT TEST 
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m.
begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down
your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your
bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a
dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for
5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful. 
 
INGENUITY TEST 
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper
tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use
only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk
carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. 
 
AUTOMOBILE TEST 
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a
family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into
the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There, perfect. 
 
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of
your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of
the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.
You won't be wearing them for a while. 
 
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your
paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. 
 
FINAL ASSIGNMENT 
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It
will be the last time you will have all the answers. 
 

 

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day
and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?"
he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone
by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads
to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by
their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we
got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

 

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pick-up truck causing him
to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently angered
the driver, and he hung out his window and flipped the
woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever
a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 38 miles each way to work every day. That's 76
miles. Of these, 16 miles each way, is bumper-to-bumper
traffic. Most of the bumper-to-bumper traffic is on an 8
lane highway, so if you look just at the 7 lanes I am not
in, that means I pass something like one car every 40 feet
per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That
works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper
traffic, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That
brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every
day.

Statistically half of these cars are driven by females.
That's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are
having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According
to Cosmopolitan, 70% of women describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. 70% of 642 is 449. According
to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34%
describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According
to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is
having the worst day of her period, and is armed. So...
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM
of flipping her off!

 

New Standards
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for
the holidays.  Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed
her for information about college.

"So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.

Chelsea nodded vigorously.

"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.

Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her
eye.

Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's
activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with
these boys?"

Chelsea burst out laughing.  After a moment, she
straightened up, stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not
according to Dad..."

 

Mystery Daddies
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The following are all replies that have been included on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
father's details:

~ Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A
was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the
identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was
conceived on the same night.

~ I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as
I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from
behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I
think were at the party if this helps.

~ I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember
that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to
track down the father can you send me his phone number?
Thanks.

~ I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one
of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service
stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

~ I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter
from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

~ I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by my country. Please
advise.

~ I do not know who the father of my child was as all
squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was
wearing a Royal Green Jacket.

~ [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up
with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

~ From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

~ So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs
earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched
more TV rather than going to the party at [address given],
mine might have remained unfertilized.

 

Serious Progress
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had
tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning
centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in
a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in
the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room & started studying.
Books & papers were spread out all over the room and little
Tommy was hard at work.  His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he
was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no
time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother
tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally,
little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it
on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With
great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise,
little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her
curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No."

"Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the uniforms?   WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day
of school, when I saw that guy on the wall nailed to the big
plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

 

Responses to Pick Up Lines
--------------------------

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
 

 

Seeing is Believing
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana
watching the sunrise.  He saw the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm.

He yelled out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yelled back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man said, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy said, "Gonna catch me some chickens."
The old man yelled, "You damn fool... you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!" The young boy just laughed and kept walking.

That evening at sunset the boy came walking by and to the
old man's surprise he was dragging behind him the chicken wire
with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The same time the next morning, the old man was out watching the sun
rise again, and saw the boy walk by, carrying something kind of round
in his hands.

The old man yelled out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yelled back, "A roll of duck tape."
The old man replied, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy said, "Gonna catch me some ducks, mister."
The old man hollered back, "You damn fool... you can't catch ducks
with duck tape!" The boy just laughed and kept walking past.

That night around sunset, the boy walked on his way home, and to
the old man's amazement the boy trailed behind him the unrolled tape
with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man saw the boy walking by
carrying a bunch of long reeds with something fuzzy on the
ends.

The old man said, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy said, "Pussy Willows."

"Wait up.... I'll get my hat," the old man replied with excitement
in his voice.

 

 

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to
the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she
handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks
tomorrow.' "

 

 

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a
wanted ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed
by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he
had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job
pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty-thousand."

"Eighty-thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How
can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

 

While cruising at thirty thousand feet, the airplane
shuddered. A passenger looked out the window. "Good lord!" he
screamed. "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over;
suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet
another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight
attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall
and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit
and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the
passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly
walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several
packages from under the seats and began handing them to the
flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to his or her back.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those
parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was
nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as the third engine
exploded. "We're going to get help."

 

Blonde Virus Warning
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

You have just received the "Blonde Virus!"

Since we don't have any programming experience,
this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive,
then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

Change in Time
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

What a difference 50 years can make!  Let's compare attitudes from
the 1950's and our present time of the year 2000.  Directly below are
suggestions come from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook
intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for a
happy married life.  Then below that, you'll find the modern view.
-----

1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal -- on time.  This is a way of letting him know that
you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good
meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair
and be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary
people.  Be a little gay and a little more interesting.  His boring
day may need a lift.

3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school
books, toys, paper, etc., Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your
husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it
will give you a lift too.

4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN.  Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.

5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to
be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know
you're glad to see him.

6. SOME DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner.  Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE.  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair
or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink
ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.   Allow him to
relax and unwind.

8. LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first.

9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out
to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to
understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to come home
and relax.

10. THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.

 

No Excuses
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A high school English teacher sternly reminded her class of
tomorrow's final exam.  She told the class there would be
no excuse for not showing up, except in the case of serious
injury, illness or a death in the immediate family.

A smart-mouthed jock in the back of the room asked,
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class burst into laughter.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically
and replied sweetly, "I'm sorry.  I can't accept that as an excuse.
You'll just have to write with your other hand."

 

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties
of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I
insist that each of my employees take at least a week off
every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.

"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do
without," Linda said.

 

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder
going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed
the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather
plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the
ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to
the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman,
who was slightly easier on the eye. "Make love to me or
climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought
the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who,
this time, was quite attractive. "Make love to me or climb
the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man
thought to himself that this was getting better the further
he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. "Make
love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a
gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the
next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair
showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

 

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so
much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one gulp.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and
immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she
spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"

 

"Doctor, doctor, what's the news?" answered Hal when his
doctor called with his test results.

"I have some bad news and some really bad news," admitted the
doctor. "The bad news is that you only have twenty-four hours
to live."

"Oh my god," gasped Hal, sinking to his knees. "What could be
worse than that?"

"I couldn't get ahold of you."

 

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in
WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots
crack and tell what they knew. They forced them stand at
attention, turn their heads from side to side and to
say, "Tick - Tock", over and over.

After about three hours, one of the pilots cracks and
starts telling all he knows, signing anything they put
in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracks and starts
confessing things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to give in. He was
about half-way cracked. He started turning his head to
one side only and saying, "Tick... Tick.. Tick..."

The German officer in charge went up to him and said,
"You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you that
vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"

 

Coincidence
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man with a black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh
and sits down. He immediately notices that the man next to
him also has a black eye and says, "Hey this is a coincidence,
we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister
accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous
blonde with the most beautiful large breasts was there. So,
instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, ' I
accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.'...
and she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.  Mine was
a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I
wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a cup of coffee
honey.'  But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life
you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'

 

Office Protocol
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he
said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong
with your ear or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my... ummm.... ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

 

 

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took
a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the
bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man
began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to
bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a
compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before
long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst
about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a
psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife
have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as
they come."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left.

The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a
fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I
suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white
wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. I've been seeing the
psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. He
then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The
doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

"On the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of
good."

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender
exclaimed.

"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

 

Directional Presumption
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Maxine and Samantha had not seen each other in many years.
Now they had a long talk, trying to fill in the gap of those
years by telling about their lives.  Finally, Maxine invited
Samantha to visit her in her new apartment.

"Come meet my husband and my three kids," she said.

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the
apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it
open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button
with your left elbow, then enter.  When you reach the sixth
floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door.
Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let
you in."

"Okay. But why all this business of kicking the front door
open and pressing elevator buttons with my elbows?"

"Surely you're not coming empty-handed!"

 

Old Texan Days
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Back in the Texan olden western days, there were three people in a
stagecoach one afternoon. There was a "red-blooded, born-and-raised
Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a
beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady riding in the coach.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward
and said, "Ma'am, excuse me...  What do you say if I were to give you
$10 for a night with you?"

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot
the city-slicker dead on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

The red-blooded Texan holstered his gun and replied, "Your honor,
hell?  I'm not gonna let no tenderfoot raise the price of women in
Texas!"

 

Volunteerism
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was
sent to solicit his donation.

"Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions.
Surely you could give back a little to your community through The
United Way."

The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a
long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her
ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."

"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind,
confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six
children?"

The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."

"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful
traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and
three young children?"

The United Way rep was feeling shame. "No, sir. I had no idea..."

The lawyer concluded, "Well, then, if I don't give any money to THEM,
why do you think I'd give any to YOU?"

 

 

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
 
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
 
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
 
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
 
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you
see, only you've got to promise not to laugh. The doctor replies, "Of
course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over
twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen
in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the
tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient .... "I
don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what
seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

 

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm  going
to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while
I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a
member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that.
But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

 

It isn't necessary for a politician to fool all the people all the time. A majority on Election Day is enough.

 

Three women escape from prison.  One is a redhead,
one a brunette, and a blonde. They run for miles
until they come upon an old barn, where they decide
to hide in the hayloft and rest.

When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks
and decide to put them over their heads for
camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and
his deputy come into the barn.

The sheriff tells his deputy to go up and check
out the hayloft.  The deputy yells down "There's
just three gunnysacks!"

The sheriff replies, "Find out what's in them!"

The deputy kicks the first bag, which has the
redhead in it... and she says, "Woof!"  So the
deputy tells the sheriff there is a dog in the
first sack.

Then he kicks the one with the brunette in it and
she said, "Meow!"  So the deputy tells the sheriff
that there is a cat in the second sack.

Then he kicks the one with the blonde in it and
there is no sound at all.  So he kicks it again
and the blonde says, "Potatoes!"

 

Ten Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer:

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm
so glad you asked because no one these days seems to
care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy
a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out
where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the
Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice
as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my
friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just
about to file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some
money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration"
and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some
chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
could not just give your credit card number to a complete
stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you
can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that
they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I
feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon,
playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon,
how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to
write EVERY WORD down.

 

"Doc," says Bill Clinton, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time
and I want to have it done", replies Clinton.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the
doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's
done, there's no going back.  It will change your life
forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind;
either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to
another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but it's against my better
judgment!"

So Clinton has his operation and the next day he is up and
walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor
with his IV stand.

Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking
exactly the same way.

"Hi there", says Bill. "It looks like you've just had the
same operation as I did."

"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37
years that I would like to be circumcised."

Clinton stared at him in horror....."Aw crap, THAT'S
THE WORD!!!!"

 

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street
interviews about the upcoming presidential primary
election.

"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first
man said. "I don't know any of them."

"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I
know them all."

~~

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a
park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park
every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying
each others' friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other
and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am
embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I
am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed,
says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with
tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

~~

Flash Message - On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a
spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep
and cattle ranch outside Roswell, N.M., an incident,
they say, that has been covered up by the military.

On March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore
was born. Certainly clears things up for me.....

 

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for
traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he
was in a good mood that day, the officer decided to give
the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket.  So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred" he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred" the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man
tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer figures that he has a nutcase on his hands
but decides to play along.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I
was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The
kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself.
I studied hard and got good grades.  When I got older I
realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, finally
got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to
go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the
way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred
Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around
with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling
MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my
DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.

 

A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby
and four children under the age of five.

"I want a divorce," she said.

"On what grounds?" he asked.

"Desertion, sir," she said.

"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.

"Well," she confided, "He does come home every now and
then to apologize."

 

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking,
minding his own business when all of a sudden this great
big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the
bar stool and says,

"That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the
stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden
--WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AAGAIN and says,

"That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves
and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back
--WHACK!!!-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and
out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from
Sears."

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins, honey.  If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

~~

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box
that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later,
a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in
the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the
box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but
I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

 

Employer's Lingo:
----------------


"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well,
a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position
has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
want and do it.


Employee's Lingo:
----------------


"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I steal office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

 

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"

"Don't 'Miss' me, mister," she snapped.

"Well then, I guess you better make it 13."

 

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal
from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your
Holiness," said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu
wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the
friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish
and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had
never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a
Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.  "None play very
well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a
man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is
a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal,
then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal
representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of
cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made.
Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The
day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to
inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and
some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer. "Tell me
the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even
though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf
in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.
I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long
and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my
putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was
truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by
three strokes."

 

Young Johnny goes to buy his first box of condoms. He
selects the ones on sale for 99 cents and takes them to
the till. The cashier says "That'll be $1.13 with tax."

Johnny is startled and cries, "Tacks! Don't they stay on
by themselves

 

A Indian was traveling back to his home when he came upon
a small house on a big ranch.  After the usual greetings
and a bit of tobacco smoking on the porch, the Indian
asked the Rancher, "Is that your dog?"

The Rancher replied, "Yup."

"Mind if I talk to him?" asked the Indian.

"Don't you know dogs don't talk?" laughed the Rancher.

The Indian replied, "So what's the harm? May I?"

"Go right ahead," said the Rancher, shaking his head.

The Indian said to the dog, "Howdy!" The dog replied,
"Hello."

The Rancher almost fell off his chair. The Indian
continued, "Is this your master?"

"Yep, he sure is."

"Does he treat you alright?"

"Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds
me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes
me to the lake to play."

The Rancher was amazed.

The Indian said to the Rancher, "Is that your horse
over there?"

"Yes."

"Do you mind if I talk to him?

The Rancher replied, "I know the dog spoke to you, but
I know for a fact that horses can't talk."

"Well, then what would it hurt?"

"Go right ahead.

The Indian said to the horse, "Hello."

The horse replied, "Hello." The Rancher stood there with
his jaw wide open.

The Indian asked, "Is that your owner?"

"Yup, sure is."

"He treat you okay?"

"Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the
end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn out of
the bad weather."

"Sounds good."

The Indian then asked the Rancher, "Are those your
sheep over there?"

The Rancher stammers, "Them sheep out there, they're
nothing but a bunch of damn liars!"

 

Lorraina Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for
attempting to imitate her sister and cause the same
damage to her own husband.  "Severing the marital vows,"
you might say.

Except she missed and hit his leg.

She has been charged with a "misdeweiner."

 

A church school supervisor asked little Johnny during
Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.  Little
Johnny said, "I don't know, but it sure wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible
knowledge, went to the school principal and related the
whole incident.

The principal said, "Look, I know little Johnny and his
entire family very well and can vouch for them.  If
little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I believe
that it is the truth."

Even more appalled with the principal's lack of Bible
knowledge, the inspector went to the regional Head of
Education and related the whole story.

After listening to the supervisor's story, he said, "I
can't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this; we'll get three quotations and get the darn wall
fixed."

 

Put: to place a thing where you want it.

Putt: a vain attempt to do the same thing.

 

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were
there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir!
I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little
late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but
it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it
dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation
but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments
later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting,
he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! We all had dates and they ran a little late,
we ran to the bus but missed it, we hailed a cab but it
broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped
dead, ran 10 miles, and now we're here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since
he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I
ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No, sir" said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses
in the road, it took forever to get around them."

 

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the
law firm that was handling a big case for his company.
It included hourly billing for conferences, research,
phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch
hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company
would have to pay for each of these services.  Then he
noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU,
THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -- $125.

 

Know someone who's got that cold/flu bug that's making
the rounds?  You know, the one that makes you cough so
bad that you try to figure out how to get nicotine into
your body without actually inhaling smoke?  Well, pass
this along with a "Get Well Soon!"


John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much
of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned
John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their
best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the
cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man
a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The
customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamppost.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John
what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough
but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax
and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure
it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the
lamppost. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

 

Two liberal social workers were walking through a rough
part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and
muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation,
they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help
me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away. One
remarked to her colleague: "You know, the person that did
this really needs help."

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life. Is this true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for
so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out
eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you
live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.


Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat,
and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies
the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And
what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also
a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give
you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.


Q: Is beer bad for you?

A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal
with my religious values, but I find this question so
ridiculous I simply have to say something. Look, it goes
to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know,
scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. Well, we
all know that beer is not an animal, and it's not on the
periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and
tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet.


Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while
he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while
he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice
at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the
ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to
re-evaluate your exercise program... among other things.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program.

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.


Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will
sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if
you want a bigger stomach.


Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs
when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran
over me with the golf cart!

A: Ooh, sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't
see you.


Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today,
like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do
you recommend?

A: The strato-lounger.

 

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.
"Salvation Army" came the answer.

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

 

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a
nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy
dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of
the highway gestures for him to stop.

The first guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I
help you?"

"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to
eat?"

With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich
to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes
later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed
fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him
to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window,
and says, "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something
to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a
can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again.
In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he
decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of
the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him
to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last
time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess.
You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the
heck do you want?"

"Driver's license and registration, please."

 

The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace.  "What
is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean
as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

 

An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, "When I am
gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland."

"Why Fred Uhland?" his wife asked. "You have hated him
all of your life!"

"Still do," gasped the old man.

~~

An elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.  The
doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the
litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm
tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Ma'am, you have to expect things to
start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

She looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone
who's 99."

~~

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the
blonde waitress walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm
street and there was a terrible accident. A man was
thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of
the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured,
and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course."

"Wow! What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep
from fainting!"

 

A young man was strolling down a street in South London.
As he passed a large building with a fence around it,
he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't.
Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to
the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting
in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere
and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old
people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen,
fourteen..."

~~

AOL:
America Online, this is Sue speaking.

Caller:
Hi, I have some questions about American Online before
I join.

AOL:
Okay, ma'am, what's your question?

Caller:
Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get
something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?

AOL:
(quiet laugh in the background)  Well ma'am... I don't
know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of
America Online.

Caller:
Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.

AOL:
Well it's something members typically do when they go
to a chat room.

Caller:
Hmmmm... I don't understand, what is cybersex??

AOL:
I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.

Caller:
Hmmm... well, have you ever had cybersex?

AOL:
Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to
be asking me. Is there anything else you need?

Caller:
Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.

AOL:
That's okay ma'am, anything else?

Caller:
Yes, I have one more question.

AOL:
Go ahead...

Caller:
What are you wearing?

AOL: **click**

 

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but
upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on
for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his arm to the
left every few seconds, accidentally hitting Fred over
and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves,
so he asks "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "I got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic
twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat
in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.  So
Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."

Fred moves again.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing
his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in
the war."

The reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get
it off of my hand."

~~

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and
was told that although her quarters would be in a separate
building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her
that meant to eat her meals with them.

 

Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the
bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I
can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

~~

Whilst enjoying a drink at the bar a guy decided to try
his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone. To
his surprise, she asked him to join her for a drink and
eventually asked if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jumped into a taxi and went back to her house.

Later, the young man pulled out a cigarette from his
jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it,
he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might
be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he found a box
of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of
another man.  Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be silly," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl took a match, struck it across the side
of her face and replied, "That's me, before the operation."

 

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the
office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't
want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home
cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna
eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home
from work and just do my own thing without you forcing
food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and
throwing things around the apartment in a rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and
says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the
month."

 

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in
front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and
completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911,
and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the
officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer
started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had
just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined
and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop
did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and
disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he
said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied,"Don't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off
when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

 

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The
man claimed the elephant could look at person and
tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical
and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the
elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped
its foot 9 times.

"Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes." the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that
this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell
the ages of several people, and each time the elephant
stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward
the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and
wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at
him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up
on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the
Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut
wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around
and stomped his foot twice.

Where upon the Irishman stumbled back, and with a
sound of disbelief in his voice he cried, "Be gabbers,
He's right... Farty-two!"

 

A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about
their ailments.

"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour
the coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my
neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we
can still drive!"

~~

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to
flight #293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. So set back and relax -
OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but
while I was talking the flight attendant brought me
a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants."

A passenger in coach said, "THAT'S NOTHING.  He should
see the back of mine."

~~

When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful.
My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football
injury that acts up once in a while."

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Gee, I never
knew you played football."

I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost
$100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the
television..."

 

The story of my life...

After years of scrimping and saving, I told my wife the
good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to
buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," I said sadly, "a 1979 Cadillac."

 

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader,
Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard.
His people believed a man's strength and courage came
from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard
was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to
feel uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and
dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his
council together to get their advice. When he said he
wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked.

One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire.
The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into
a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he
scoffed at the tale. Being headstrong, he went ahead and
cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard.

As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came
up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared,
there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before
had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend
must be true.

The Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned

 

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were
discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up and everything inside is
numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in
alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You
open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.
They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads
and their butts are interchangeable."

Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers... they always
understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end..."

~~

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is
lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He
lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can
you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon,
hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the
balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told
me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are,
or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to
help. You're in the same position you were before
we met, but now it's my fault."

 

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the
Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly
mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along
the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled
American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road,
who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his
blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed
to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border
guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam
Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!' "

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bill
Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!' "

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit
us."

~~

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator boots in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted,
"maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I
can get a pair of boots made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you
will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier
saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a
few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in
the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the
guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw
a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater
towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed
its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with
very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore
and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several
more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't
have any boots either!"

 

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
their home lives, one said,

"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've
been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at
least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

~~

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut
off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of
the ham"?

And she replied,  "I really don't know but my mother
always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she
cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her
mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the
way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the
young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off
the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied, "Well, dear, that's the only
way it would fit into my baking pan."

~~

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The
doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely
nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,

"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you
just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to
sleep alone."

 

A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages
to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast,
into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights
and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry
of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse
back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly
across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-
developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp
glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.
She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the
bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table,
pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down
in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep
breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under
the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest
like a gorilla. Then he vaults back onto the bed commences
a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this
second encounter.  Somehow the Aussie has completely
recovered from his previous exhaustion!  After nearly half
an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the
gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows
another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives
under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest
and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action
continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the
darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is
causing these incredible transformations, but she sure
likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another
repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a
large amount of gymnastic prowess on her part, the Danish
girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting
bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your
tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of
the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal
effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then
she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives
under the bed...

...only to smash straight into the three other exhausted
members of the Australian relay team.

A man walks into a Doctor's office. He has a cucumber up
his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his
right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asked.

The doctor simply shook his head and replied, "You're
just not eating properly."

~~

Once upon a time there was a town with a new church
steeple with a bell that wouldn't ring. People came
from miles around to try it, but no one could get it
to work.

One day a small fellow came up to the priest and said,
"I can do it."

The priest said, "Ok, try it."

The little fellow went to the steeple, took three steps
back and ran into the bell with his face. BONG!! The
bell rang and he was hired.

One windy day as he took his three steps back to ring
the bell, the wind moved the bell. The little fellow
missed the bell and fell out of the steeple. He landed
in the middle of the plaza where people gathered to
see what happened. The priest came through the crowd
and asked, "Does anyone know this fellow's name?"

"I don't know his name," one person replies, "but his
face rings a bell..."

 

The day after the tragic fall from the bell tower, another
man comes to the church and applies for the job. The
priest asks his qualifications, and the man replies:
"I am the brother of the man who unfortunately fell from
the tower yesterday. I taught him to be a bell ringer."

He is hired, and the next day he does a wonderful job,
making the bell ring loud and true. The following day,
however, he too misses the bell and falls to his death.
Again a crowd gathers, the priest comes out, and someone
asks, "Who is this fellow?"

The priest replies, "I don't know his name, but he's
a dead ringer for his brother!"

 

A dedicated union leader was at a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got
to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union
house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
he inquired.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame
replied.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man
stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop.

His search continued throughout the night until finally
he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes,
this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he
asked.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the
Madame.

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around
the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing to
an unattractive old woman in the corner, "but Bertha
here has seniority."

 

This one requires a bit of preparation, so I thought I'd
give you a head start...


HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH BEER COASTERS

1) Remove a beer coaster from your local bar.

2) Carefully split the beer coaster top and bottom.

3) Insert a $10 bill and reseal.

4) Return to bar.

5) Place beer coaster under glass.

6) Wait for the bar to get extremely busy.

7) Discuss in a VERY LOUD voice the adverts on TV
and in the papers which says Brewery X have hidden
10 dollar bills in their coasters.

8) Keep arguing about whether it's true or not
until everyone in the bar knows what you're
talking about.

9) Tear open some beer coasters; look depressed.

10) Partially tear open the one with the 10 dollar
bill in it.

11) Shout, "I've won! I've won!" and wave the
tenner still wedged in the beer coaster around

12) Watch every coaster in the bar get destroyed

 

A man was walking down the beach, when he saw a group of
people in the distance, just sitting around having fun.
When he got closer, he could hear their conversations.
Someone would shout out a number, when the rest of the
group would roll about worth laughter. He decided he
would join them, so he sat with the group.

He sat with them for a little while, listening to this
banter, when he decided to try joining in, so he said
"98." The group looked at him in complete amazement,
went silent for a few seconds and then all fell around
on the floor laughing. Not understanding what was going
on, he asked the person next to him.

"Well, " he explained, "we are old friends, and have run
out of new jokes.  We all know them so well, we just
refer to them by number, we remember the joke, and have a
laugh. For example number 43 is a particularly funny joke
about three old ladies and a fish."

"So what was so funny about joke 98?" the man asked.

"We've never heard that one before."

 

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the
bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald
Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee
of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he
will be tried as soon as we catch him."

--

A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-
trailers when a police officer pulled him over for
speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked,
"Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast
as I was, why did you pull me over?"

"Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.

"Yes," Walt replied.

"Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"

--

Fellow 1: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day
of the year that he was going to die. It was the right
year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would
die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all
of that?"

Fellow 1: "A judge told him."

--

So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the
first policeman says to the second, "OK: body on the
road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the
median."

His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then
asks, "How do you spell 'median'?"

So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head
and says, "Head on the road."

 

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called
the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had
picked up. Everybody but one woman laughed uproariously.
Used to having a better audience, his good mood quickly
faded. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Don't
you get the jokes?"

"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

 

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a
deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens
came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to
one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, "Earthling.
Take me to your leader!"

The gas pump, of course, did not reply.

The alien became agitated and again demanded, "Take
me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft
where he was confronted by the captain: "Report!"

"I contacted an Earthling. He would not cooperate."

"Hmmmm. I will deal with this Earthling myself."

"Yes, Sir. Be careful, Sir. I have a feeling there
could be trouble."

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump.
"Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader."
The gas pump remained unresponsive. "If you do not
respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to
fire on you. One. Two. Three."

ZZZZZZZZT! WHAM!

The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien clear out of
the parking lot. The captain jumped up and got back to
his ship as fast as he could.

"Quickly! Make ready to depart!"

"Yes, Sir. What happened, Sir?"

"I fired on the Earthling and it responded very
forcefully."

"Sorry Sir, I was afraid that might happen."

"How did you know that there would be trouble?"

"Well, Sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his
penis, wrap it around his feet, and stick it in his
left ear is going to be one very tough customer."

 

There once was a tribe of Indians out west who had a very
old chief. In this tribe, chief-hood was inherited, passed
from father to son. But this chief had 3 sons. Making a
decision about who would be the new chief would be
difficult.

So the chief told his sons: "You will marry, and I will
judge your choice and I will judge your first born, and
then I will decide."

The first son married a squaw he'd known from childhood.
He felt she was the best choice because she had wide hips
and plenty of fat on her frame -- to keep her healthy in
the winter. On his wedding day, he gave her a bear hide
for her wedding bed, from a bear he had killed himself.

The second son married a widowed squaw from the tribe
who had 2 sons from her previous husband. He thought she
was the best choice because she had proved she could
conceive and bear healthy children. On his wedding day,
he gave her an antelope hide for her wedding bed from an
antelope he had killed himself.

The third son married an exotic Indian princess from
another tribe. Nobody knew anything about her, except
that she was young and beautiful. Nobody knew why the
third son felt she was the best choice. In keeping with
tradition, he, too, on his wedding day, gave her a hide
for her wedding bed -- the hide of a hippopotamus that
he had killed himself.

9 months later, the first squaw, the bear-hide squaw,
bore her husband a son. And the second squaw, the antelope-
hide squaw, bore her husband a son.

But the third squaw, the one with the hippopotamus hide,
bore her husband twin boys.  The old chief was happy,
and immediately named his third son to be his successor.

And the tribe approved his choice, because everybody
knows that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are
equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

WHY AGING ISN'T SO BAD:

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Your joints are more accurate than the National
Weather Service.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.

 

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in
Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she
exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I
do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down,
suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed
by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!
He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through
the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the
table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all
right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all
her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

~~

Bill goes to visit his doctor on his birthday, a look of
concern quite evident on his face.

The doctor says, "Hey there Bill.  What seems to be the
problem?"

"Well, Doc," Bill replies, "It's a little embarrassing.
You see, when I was 14, my erections were like solid
steel... I couldn't bend them down or from side to side."

The doctor nodded.

"When I was 24," Bill continued, "I found I could bend
my erections down just a bit."

The doctor nodded.

"When I was 34, I found I could bend them a couple of
inches down, and at least an inch to either side."

The doctor nodded once again.

Bill went on, "And now that I'm 44, I find that I can
bend my erections almost all the way down and side
to side.  So, Doc, I'm really worried, and I have just
one question to ask you."

"And what would that be, Bill?" replied the doctor.

"Doc," Bill asked, "Just how much stronger am I gonna get?"

 

A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had
run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and
registration please?"

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last
intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete
stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no
one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come
to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your
license and..."

"You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the
matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your
license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between
slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

"Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car
door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded
to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir," the officer smiled, "would you like me to slow
down or come to a complete stop?"

 

During a after-hours party here, a couple guys got into
an argument about presidential politics. Finally, Matt
asked Bret why he was such a dedicated Democrat.

Bret said, "My father and grandfather were Democrats
before me, and I am carrying on the family tradition."

"That's it?" cried Matt. "What if your father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?"

"Well..." Bret replied, "I suppose then I'd be a
Republican like you."

 

A man was walking through a South American rainforest
when he was surrounded and captured by a tribe of
natives.  Unfortunately, the natives wanted to
sacrifice him to their god.

The tribe decided they would either burn him or boil
him to death. They would allow the man to choose by
asking him to make a statement. If the statement was
false, the man would be boiled to death.  If the
statement was true, he would be burned to death.

The man made a statement, and was freed.

What did he say?

 

President Clinton is out jogging one morning, notices
Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs
over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box kid?"

Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

President Clinton laughs and says, "What kind of kittens
are they?"

"Democrats," says Little Johnny.

"Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.

A couple of days later President Clinton is running with
Vice President Al Gore and he spies Little Johnny with
his box just ahead.

Clinton says to Gore, "You gotta check this out" and
they both jog over to Little Johnny.

Clinton says, "Look in the box Al, isn't that cute?
Look at those little kittens. Hey kid, tell my friend
Al what kind of kittens they are."

Little Johnny replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" Clinton says, "I came by here the other day
and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," Little Johnny explains, "Their eyes are open now."

 

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the
priest that she has a terrible secret, and he tells her
that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the
confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious.
Say four 'Hail Marys', five 'Our Fathers' and do six
cartwheels on your way to the altar."

 

A husband and wife are driving and they get pulled over
by a policeman. The policeman gets to the car and asks
for the man's license.

The man replies, "Why do you need my license? What did
I do wrong?"

The policeman answers, "You were travelling 45 mph in a
30 mph zone."

"Come on, officer," the man replies, "You know I was
only going 35."

"No you weren't!", quips the wife, "I told you you were
speeding! I told you not to go fast. I knew you'd get
a ticket!"

"Shut Up!" grunts the husband.

The policeman continues, "I'm also charging you for
going through a red light."

"Officer", the man explains, "you know as well as I,
that light was yellow, not red."

The wife pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red. I
told you it was red. I told you."

At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at
his wife, "SHUT UP!"

The policeman exclaims, "Hey! stop yelling at you wife!"
He then turns to the wife and asks, "Does he always talk
to you this way?"

She calmly replies, "Only when he's been drinking."

 

Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most
people vote against somebody, rather then for somebody.

--Franklin P. Adams, "Nods and Beckks", 1944


"Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many
for the appointment by the corrupt few."

--George Bernard Shaw


"One of the evils of democracy is, you have to put up
with the many you elect whether you want him or not."

--Will Rogers


"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."

 

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all
of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he
starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van
Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and
it is being played backward!
 
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend
to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the
grave, the music has changed.  This time it is the Seventh
Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played
backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is
playing, again backward. The expert notices that the
symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which
they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to
the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the
group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an
explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously,
"He's decomposing!"

 

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
smelling like expensive perfume.

She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with
her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100
an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator
and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly
turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5,
$150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached
her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the
eye, turns, bends over, and farts.

"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

 

A man visits his doctor.

"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has
turned blue."

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die
if they didn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a
thing to me?"

"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the
operation, he came back.

"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue
too."

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle
must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you
want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the
operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now
completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the
bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?",
asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?"

"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says,
"Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an
early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right
away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a
straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he
chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a
check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for
$960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked
where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to
the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but
he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical
Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The
Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and
began to work back.
"My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little
kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the
time?"
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket,
removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is
a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged
businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an
old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping
and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little
brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he
told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your
hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

 

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying
out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head.  Rather
disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and
starts
pounding on it.  An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him
to knock so loudly.  The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" 
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. 
Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just
wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in
 the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

 "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
 husband's parents."

 He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

 "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
 really needed one."

 "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
 marriage?"

 "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
 necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions
 is yes."

 "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

 "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier
 than I do."

 Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why DO you want
 a divorce?"

 "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted
 a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

DOGGIE STYLE

A man returns home from work early one day and enters through the
kitchen
door.  He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor.  She
only has an apron on, the husband gets a big hard on, so he sneaks up
behind her and starts humping his wife doggy style.

When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard
upside her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and
letting you really enjoy yourself.  What did you hit me for?"

The husband looks at her and angrily says "For not looking back to see
whoit was!"

 

A villager and his son went to town and were at a supermarket. They were
amazed by everything they saw, especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father: "What is this?"

The father responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the
boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above
the walls light up. They continued to watch 10 circles light up in the
reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous
24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son: "Come son, let's go back to the village and
get your mother!"

 

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he
came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in
the middle of each was an arrow.
 
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find
him!"
 
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a
small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that
it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
 
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
 
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that
I hold holy."
 
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into
my service." The boy thanked him profusely.
 
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must
tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
 
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I
paint the target around it."

 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little
worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m
afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in
places that I`ve never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

 

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them
around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He
is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never
forget."  They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting
story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without
seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet.
I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the
tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was
awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the
biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like
this................  ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell
you, I just messed my pants."  The young men looked astonished and one
of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have messed my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no,
not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first
quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend
asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church
and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

 

A man approached a local resident in a village he was visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?" the visitor asked. 

The local man scratched his head. "Hmmm....  Are you walking or
driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving," replied the man.

With due consideration, the local man replied, "Well, that's the
quickest way all right!"

 

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the
edge of a desert road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches
to a halt next to him. The driver a young, a man dressed in a Brioni
suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sun-glasses and a YSL tie, gets out and
asks the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep you have, would you
give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, "All
right."

The young man parks the car, connects his notebook to his cellphone,
enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database
and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints out a
150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

"You have exactly 1586 sheep," he declares.

"That's correct," says the shepherd. "You may take the sheep." The
young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his car.

The shepherd asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my
sheep?"

"Why not?" answers the young man.

"You're an Andersen Consultant," declares the shepherd confidently.

"That's amazing! How did you guess so quickly and easily?" asks the
man.

"Very simple," replies the shepherd. "First you came here without
being called.  Secondly, you charge me to tell me something I
already knew. And thirdly, you do not understand anything about what
I do. And lastly you took my sheepdog..."

 

Cross Power
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two nuns are driving down the highway one evening when all of a
sudden out of nowhere a bloodthirsty vampire lands on the hood of
their car.  The sisters are terrified and don't know what to do.

Sister Mary shouts to sister Margaret, "Show him your cross!"

Sister Theresa leans out the window and yells to the vampire, "Get
off the damn car!"

 

Johnnie's Summer Vacation
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Summer vacation was over and school was in full session again. 
The teacher asked the class to relate their stories from summer
vacations.  It was Little Johnnie's turn.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher said, "Good.  Now, Little Johnnie, can you tell the
class how you spell that?"

"Actually, we went to Ohio," Johnnie replied.

 

Bushisms
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In the interest of fairness, here are some funny quotes from Bush,
to balance those I sent in the past, mislabled as Goreisms.  They
were actually Quayleisms.  However, don't be disappointed....  I've
received a funny about Gore which I've posted just below this one.
Enjoy!

 

Between the Lines
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young
couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A
substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his
position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I
expect him to be our best man next year."

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I
ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said
it, though, I accept!"

Hard Situation
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Friday afternoon, the rush hour bus is jam-packed with
commuters.  Everyone was feeling like sardines in a can.

People stood face-to-face, back-to-back.

A young woman was wearing a miniskirt was feeling particularly
uncomfortable with her situation.

As if feeling discomfort, a construction worker behind her said, "Pardon
me,
miss, but that thing pressing into your back is my
weekly pay ... today they only paid us hard cash!"

"I don't mind your hard cash," replied the woman, "but
how do you explain your pay increase since the last stop?"

 

Mr. Smith Considers Marriage
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.

One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to
approach
Susie's father to ask him for her hand.  Johnnie bravely walked up to
him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask
you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well
Johnnie,
you are only 10.  Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In
Susie's room, of course.  It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our
stuff in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Susie."

Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a
week
and I make 10 bucks a week.  That's about 60 bucks a month, and that
should
do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much
thought into his proposal.  So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he
tried to come up with
something that Johnnie wouldn't know how to answer.  After another moment,
Mr. Smith
said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured
out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"

Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."

 

Bipartisan Voter Alert
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

FROM REBULICAN AND DEMOCRATIC HEADQUARTERS:

Due to an anticipated voter turnout much larger than
originally expected, the polling facilities will not be able
to handle the load all in one day

Therefore, Democrats and Republicans are requested to
vote on Tuesday, November 7.  All who intend to vote
Independent, please use the facilities on Wednesday, November 8. 

We felt that this Bipartisan approach seemed fair to all.
Thank you for your cooperation and please pass this message
along and help us to make sure that nobody gets left out.

 

Get Weighed
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he
asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get
weighed."

So Joe took her by the hand to meet man with the scale, who attempted
to guess her weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and
twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected
a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was
finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get
weighed," she said.  So they went back to the man with the
scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly this time.

Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the
merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she
wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided
to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a
quick handshake.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked
how the evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.

 

Castro Goes to Heaven
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven.  When he gets there, St. Peter
tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does
he belong in heaven.  Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and
tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells
Satan, who says, "No hay problemo.  I'll send a couple of little
devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked
- St. Peter is having lunch - and they sstart debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one
angel says to the other, "Geez!  Fidel hasn't been in hell ten
minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

 

The Three Little Bears
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just
waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.  He looks
into his big bowl.  It is also empty!  "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he roars, as big bears often do.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this?  It was Mummy Bear who go up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
up everybody else in the house.  It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the
dishwasher from last night and put everything away.  It was Mummy
Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper and the wood for the fire.  It was Mummy Bear who set the
table.  It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box
and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided
to come down stairs and grace me with your presence....listen good
because I'm only going to say this only one more time...."

"I haven't made the @#*% porridge yet!!"

 

Choice From Three
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man wants to get married, but he can't decide who to choose for his
wife, among three women he's dating. So he decides to give them each
10,000 dollars each, to see how they spend the money.  The first one
takes the money and goes to the best beauty salons in the country.
Then she buys the best dresses and comes back to him saying she has
spent all the money to make herself beautiful for him. He is
impressed.

The second one spends the money to buy a lot of presents for him,
because she wants him happy.  Once again he is very impressed.

The third one invests the money in good shares and stocks,
earning double the money.  Then she comes back to him, giving him the
10,000 dollars back and putting the rest in a bank account for their
future.  He is very, very impressed.  

So he starts to think which of them can be the best wife for him. He
thinks and thinks then he figures it out.  He marries the one with the
biggest tits.

 

Rich Man, Poor Man
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A rich man and a poor man sat at a bar talking about
their wives' birthdays. 

The poor man asked the rich man," So what did you get your
wife for her birthday?" 

The rich man said, "A Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring." 

The poor man asked, "Why both?" 

The rich man said, "So if she doesn't like the ring she can get
in her new car and take it back."

The rich man asked, "So what did you get your wife?" 

The poor man replied, "A pair of flip-flops and a dildo." 

The rich man asked why both, and the poor man replied,
"That way if she doesn't like the flip flops she can go fuck herself!"

 

Saving Himself
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One day, Little Johnnie's mother walked by her young son's room and
caught a glance of him masturbating. Later, she had a talk with him
and said to him, "Honey, good little boys save it until they are
married...  You want to be good, right?"

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with Little
Johnnie. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?"
she asked.

Little Johnnie cheerfully replied, "Great, Mom!  So far, I've
saved nearly a quart!"

 

Principles of Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.  You go up to  her and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed".  That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a  gorgeous girl.  One of your friends goes up to her and  pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed".  That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.  You go up to  her and get her telephone number.  The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed".  That's Telemarketing.
   
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.  You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in  bed".  That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.  She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed".
That's Brand Recognition.
 
  Council Craziness
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors
changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go!

Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good.

How about "Minds and Behinds"?  Unacceptable again.

So they tried  "Lost Souls and Ass Holes."  Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and
Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a
business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

"APPROVED!"

 

All Wet Comparison
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the
bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes
as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide
to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose
the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
nails./tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

-----

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the
mirror.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower, of course).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
time.

16. Partially dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size
again.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, say, "Yeah baby,"
and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

 

I'll Handle This!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York.  The father
says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles
here in the house.  Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore,
and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest
of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister
shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons
and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!"

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we
get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."

The father agrees, "All right."  He hangs up the phone and hollers to
his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we
going to tell them for Christmas?"

 

Words to Live By?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

- The journey of a thousand miles beginss with a broken
   fan belt and a flat tire.

- It's always darkest before dawn. So iff you're going
  to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't bbe replaced, you
  can't be promoted.

- No one is listening until you make a mmistake.

- Always remember you're unique, just liike everyone else.

- Never test the depth of the water withh both feet.

- It may be that your sole purpose in liife is simply to
  serve as a warning to others.

- It is far more impressive when others discover your
  good qualities without your help.

- If you think nobody cares if you're allive, try missing a couple
  of car payments.

- Before you criticize someone, you shouuld walk a mile in their
  shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
  and you have their shoes.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiviing is not for you.

- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
  how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

- If you lend someone $20, and never seee that person
  again, it was probably worth it.

- Don't squat with your spurs on.

- If you drink, don't park; accidents caause people.

- Some days you are the bug, some days yyou are the
  windshield.

- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
  in half and put it back in your pocket.

- Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and
  a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

 

Disappearing Act
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:  The captain's parrot saw the shows every
week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the
show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!"  "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the
captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank.  The magician found
himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course
the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.  This
went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do
with the boat?"

 

New Record
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A guy was taking a course in human sexuality, and on a particular
day, they were studying the Kinsey Report.  As the professor was
citing different statistics, he commented that one particular woman in
the study had been said to have had several hundred orgasms in a
single session.

There were several audible gasps in the lecture hall.

A male voice piped up and asked, "Wow... who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "Never mind that, who was *HE*?"

 

Growing Up is Hard to Do
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted
them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then
asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
"No, no -- you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The
teacher again said, "No, no -- you went for a trip on a train.
That's the grown-up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the
summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked
what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult
way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

 

Fighting Chance
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a
beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her
baby-doll nightgown.  He carried her in his arms down
three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.

As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her.  She
looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you
are wonderful!  It must have taken great strength and courage to
rescue me the way you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted.  "I had to fight off
three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

 

Why Not?
-=-=-=-=-=-

TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

10. No one ever steals your chair.
 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you
    also came to work drunk.
 7. People stop stealing your pens after
     they've seen where you keep them.
 6. With a little help from Muzak, you can add
     "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
 5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
 4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from
     looking down your blouse.
 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet
      in my pants."
 2. Inventive way to finally meet that special
     person from Human Resources.

...and the number one reason TO GO TO WORK NAKED:

 1. Your boss will stop yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here
     by 9:00!"  (Yes, he may wish you to arrive even earlier!  LOL)

 

Freedom in the Work Place
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over now.  I expect
you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here!"

The boss pressed on, "Who gave you the idea that you could come and
go as you please around here?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and replied, "My lawyer."

 

Atheist Proposal
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A young lady came home from a date rather sad.  She told her mother,
"He proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even
believe there's a hell!"

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway.  Between the two of us, we'll
show him how wrong he is."

 

Moral of the Story
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One day a teacher asked her students if anyone had any stories that
illustrated a lesson or a moral. 

Little Susie told a tale of how she and her grandfather were taking
their eggs into town in a large box when they hit a bump in the road
and half the eggs flew out and broke. 

The teacher asked what the moral of the story was and Susie said,
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next, little Jane told of how she and her older brother tried to
raise some chickens from eggs and how their planned income was so
much less when half the eggs didn't hatch. Then she said the moral of
the story was, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Then Little Johnnie told the story of his Uncle Ted. 

He said, "My Uncle Ted was in the Vietnam War and his plane got
shot down over enemy lines and all he got out of the plane with was
his parachute, his machine-gun, a knife, and a case of beer.  As he
floated down he quickly drank all of the case of beer to celebrate
his life-saving good luck."

Johnnie continued, "Unfortunately, when he landed he was surrounded
by 100 Vietcong.  He killed 70 of them with the machine-gun, but then
he ran out of bullets.  Then, he killed 20 of the enemy with his
knife until the blade broke off in one of them. Then, he killed the
last ten with his bare hands and his teeth."

The horrified teacher tried to recover from this terrible tale by
asking what lesson could possibly be taken from his story.

"The moral is," said Little Johnnie, "don't mess with Uncle Ted
when he's been drinking!"

 

Got Milk?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A young woman brought a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's
office.  She explained, "The baby seems to be ailing...  Instead of
gaining weight, he's lost three ounces this week alone!"

She was told to go into an examination room to wait for the doctor to
arrive.  After a short wait, the very handsome doctor strolled in and
examined the baby.  He then asked the young woman, "Is he breast
fed or on bottle food?"

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, please strip down to your waist," he requested. 
She complied with his request, seeming a bit surprised.

He gently squeezed both breasts, massaged them, pinched both nipples,
and then began sucking stongly on one nipple.

Finally he announced, "No wonder  this baby is hungry.  You don't
have any milk!"

"Naturally," she replied.  "You see, I'm the baby's aunt.  But I sure
am glad I came in today!"

 

Faith Rewarded
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A very devoutly religious man, who was also getting a bit overweight,
decided to go on a life-altering diet.  It was his duty, given
that his body is a temple before God.  But one of his main problems
with his diet was that he would stop for donuts every morning on the
way to work.

To make things easier for himself, he changed his route to work to
avoid the temptation of stopping.  Once he got busy during the day,
he more easily could avoid the temptation, he figured, if only he
could get past the mornings...

As the weeks passed by, he began losing a great deal of weight and was
receiving compliments from his friends and co-workers alike!  Then
one morning without thinking, he accidentally turned onto the road
which would take him by the donut shop again. 

At first he was going to turn around and head for safe territory,
away from the awful temptation, but then he thought to himself,
"Maybe the Lord is rewarding me for my efforts these past weeks!"

So, he said a short prayer, telling God that if this was His true
intention, let there be an open parking place available and awaiting
his arrival, directly in front of the shop.  

Sure enough!  On only the fifth time around the block, there was his
favorite spot, right up front! 

 

Been Around
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

  Many, many years ago
  when I was twenty three,
  I got married to a widow
  who was pretty as could be,

  This widow had a daughter
  Who had hair of red.
  My father fell in love with her,
  And soon the two were wed.

  This made my dad my son-in-law
  And changed my very life.
  My daughter was my mother,
  For she was my father's wife.

  To complicate the matters worse,
  Although it brought me joy,
  I soon became the father
  Of a bouncing baby boy.

  My little baby then became
  A brother-in-law to dad.
  And so became my uncle,
  Though it made me very sad.

  For if he was my uncle,
  Then that also made him brother
  To the widow's grown-up daughter
  Who, of course was my step-mother.

  Father's wife then had a son,
  Who kept them on the run.
  And he became my grandson,
  For he was my daughter's son.

  My wife is now my mother's mom.
  And it surely makes me blue.
  Because, although she is my wife,
  She is my grandma too.

  If my wife is my grandmother,
  Then I am her grandchild.
  And every time I think of it,
  It simply drives me wild.

  For now I have become
  The strangest case you ever saw.
  As the husband of my grandmother,
  I am my own grandpa!

 

Grandma's Redfaced Moment
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I was shopping in a department store with my 4-year-old grandson. I
promised him that we would go to the toy dept, but I stopped in the
ladies clothing department first.

It seems that he couldn't wait that long: one second he was holding
onto my pant skirt and the next, he had vanished.  I panicked and
looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him.

I went to the customer service desk to have them announce his name
over the P.A. system, and to my relief he was already there waiting
for me. The woman at the desk told me that my grandson had asked
them to call me over the P.A., but he didn't know my name.

So they asked him what his dad, and my son, called me. He answered
"Mom."  Then they asked what his grandpa, my husband, called me.
"Sugar," he replied.

So then they asked what his mommy (my daughter-in-law) called me.
Very clearly, he said, "A Bitch."

On the way home, we practiced my "real" name until I was confident
that he would use it the next time!

 

Advantages with Age
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A list of the advantages you gain, as you grow older:

- You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.

- Your investment in health insurance iss finally beginning to pay
  off.

- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

- It's harder and harder for sexual haraassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to
  hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochoondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friendds because they can't remember
  them, either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable level.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Things you buy now don't have time to wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burniing building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hardd way.

- Your joints are more accurate than thee National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 

Headlines
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle

 

Prayer for Peace
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing all right.  I have not gossiped,
haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish, or overindulgent.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and
I will need a lot more help after that!

Amen.

 

If You Must...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to
get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock
it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in
hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me." and he flew
out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close
behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and
into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the
other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

 

Change of Plans
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A guy goes into a costume shop.  He says, "I'm going to a
Halloween costume party.  I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.

He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig
leaf. He says, "Still not big enough!"

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over
your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

[Maybe he didn't know how to wear it... LOL]

 

Tough Act to Follow
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One Halloween a lady invited all her neighbors to a costume
party where each person had to dress as an emotion.  She
informed them all that they would not be allowed in unless
they were in proper attire.

Her guests started arriving promptly at 8:00 p.m.  One
neighbor had dressed in a beautiful red satin heart with
stockings to match - she was love.  Her husband was dressed
in a green satin suit - he was envy.  Another man had painted
his entire body with fire-red paint. He was dressed as rage.

One by one her guests came to the party.  There was
loneliness, happiness, ecstasy, etc.  Finally, her last
neighbor showed up.  He was completely naked, with a large yellow pear
on his manhood.  She was shocked. She asked him what emotion he was
and he replied, "I'm f**king dis' pear!"

 

Hey, Ace!
-=-=-=-=-=-

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during
World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was
sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station skipping recruit training.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6
Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more
Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the
carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first
day?"

The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied,
"You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

-----

(Hey now... I'm not trying to bring up sore feelings here...
Just reminding you what 'cocky in the cockpit' gets ya!)

 

Something Smells Here
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A family was traveling on vacation when they came across a petting
zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said
okay.

At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time.
While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids
playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back
there?"

The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was
horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the
zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught
they could go to jail for this.

While he was reprimanding his children, he hadn't noticed that he was
speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car
came after him he thought that they must have found out about the
skunk and that was why they were stopping him.

"Kids!" the father exclaimed, "please, not a word about the skunk!"
Handing the skunk to his wife, he addressed her, saying, "Honey,
please hide this little bugger 'til the cops are gone.  Maybe they
don't know after all, and I sure don't want to find out the hard
way!"

She said, "But where am I going to hide it?"

"Just stuff it under your dress and make sure he doesn't wiggle
around or anything," the father hurriedly replied, watching the
police officer stepping out of the car.

She said, "But it stinks!"

The father replied, "Well, can't you just hold his little nose?"

 

Know the Answer (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I
do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy.
And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his
parents.

And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy,
bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest
in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail
for contempt within 5 minutes!"

 

I'm the Boss!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The boss of a major manufacturing facility was complaining in a staff
meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning, he went to a local sign shop and bought a small
sign that read, "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone
had taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called.  She wants
her sign back!"

 

That'll Teacher
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

On this particular day, the teacher asked her class "Which part of
the body goes to heaven first?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to
heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in
God.

The teacher praised the little girl.

Then a little boy raised his hand and answered, "I think your heart
goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnnie's hand up.

"Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this at all....  She knew
he'd persist until she called on him, so with great reluctance, she
pointed to Little Johnnie and said, "Ok, Johnnie, which part of the
body do YOU think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnnie considered the question for another moment, and
replied, "Your feet."

"Why do you suppose people's feet go to Heaven first?" she asked.

"Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom
had her feet way up in the air and she was yelling, 'Oh god, I'm
coming!'"

 

Frog and Princess
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:

Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, though, and I will turn back into
the dapper, young Prince that I am.  And then, my sweet, we can
marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you
can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frog's legs seasoned in a
white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and
thought, "I don't f.....g think so."

 

Irish Eyes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I came home late from the pub with the latest joke to tell my Irish
wife: that an Irish nymphomaniac is a woman who has an insatiable
desire for sex at least once a year. 

She did not laugh.

Instead she informed me that an Irish homosexual was a man who
preferred women to liquor.

 

By His Side
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One day an old Brethren preacher was dying. He sent a message for a
doctor & lawyer, both members of his  congregation, to come to his
home.  When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered  the room, he held out his hands and motioned for
them to sit on each side of his bed.  Then he grasped their hands,
sighed contentedly, and smiled.

For a long time no one said anything.  Both the doctor and lawyer
were touched and flattered that the old man would want them with him
during his final moments. 

He had never given them any indication that he particularly liked
either of them.  His sermons in the past about greed  and various
other behavior had made them squirm in their seats many a time.

Finally the doctor asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come and
see you at this time?"

The old man mustered up some strength, and then said weakly,
"Jesus died between 2 thieves... and that's how I wanted to go." 

 

Knee Jerk
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells,
"PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH."

They each continue on going their separate directions, and just as
the man rounds the next curve, he plows into a huge boar pig in the
middle of the road.

 

Prayer from a Cubicle
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

On forward men! to the next great day
kingdoms to conquer, dragons to slay!
Submit you heathen, for your life do pray!
'Tis better than, each day more grey!?

For the cubicle warfare, which calls us away,
doth lend itself to the edging fray.
And to this end, I'm fraught to say...
M'Lord, M'lady, we NEED to play!!

 

One Last Hope
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate
that he decides to ask God for help.

He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray. "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to
lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins. Jacob goes back to the
synagogue. "God please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck! Back to the synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask for
your help and I always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just
let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order?"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Jacob, meet me half
way on this one.  Buy a ticket!"

 

Little Johnnie Knows
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In Little Johnnie's class, the teacher wrote on the board, "Like, I
ain't had no fun in months!"  Then she asked, "Little Johnnie,
how should I correct the problem in this sentence?"

Johnnie replied, "What's her phone number?"

 

Redfaced Pedestrian
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
(Another AllWorld Exclusive Redfaced Moment!)

I was at work one day and offered to go get lunch for everyone.
After taking all the orders, I went outside to get in my car.  As I
looked around and could not find my car, it finally dawned on me that
my husband had driven me to work that day. 

I was extremely embarrassed when I had to go back inside and explain
to everyone why I couldn't be the one to make the lunch fun.  why I
was not getting lunch.

Then if this wasn't bad enough... 
(I seem to have a problem with work and cars!)

Some weeks later, I had just gotten off work and walked the three
blocks to my home.  When I arrived our car was not parked in the
driveway. 

Since it was late and my husband was supposed to be home and in bed
already, I was worried.  I hurried inside and upon seeing my husband
in bed I woke him up, yelling to him that someone had stolen our
car.

He looked at me, and quietly replied, "Don't you remember, Honey?
YOU took the car to work today?" 

 

Outgoing Fun
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World
Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean.  They give to charity at the office and
don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your
name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name,
your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about
returning your call.

7. Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message
to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi.  This is John:  If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my
bank, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you owe
me money.  If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer.  One of those reasons is why
we're not here.  So, leave a message.

4. Hello!  If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.  If you leave
a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi.  Now YOU say something.

2. Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and
Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering
Machine Messages:

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth,
we'll call you back!

 

Long & Short
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag
pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite
frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole.  It kept falling
down, etc.

A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds
to remove the pole from the ground, lays it down and then measures it
easily.

As he leaves, one engineer says to the other, "Just like a
mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the
length!"

 

Redfaced Grandstanding
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I always go to the races and have made some friends at the track.  My
favorite racer is Dale Earnhardt and appropriately wear a jersey with
his number on it. 

While at the races one day, I spotted one of my friends above in the
stands.  It was unusually cool that day so I was wearing a sweat
shirt over the top of my jersey. 

My friend who was in the grand stand above shouted down to me, "Where
is your jersey?"  So I lifted my sweat shirt to show her my jersey.

The crowd started whopping and hollering... at me.

I suddenly realized that I had also grabbed my sweat shirt as well
as my jersey, flashing my braless front to everyone above me in the
stands. I immediately found a new shade of red.

 

Jesus Proofs
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
- He went into His father's business. - He lived at home until He was 33.
- His Mother was sure He was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
- He never got married.
- He was always telling stories.
- He loved green pastures.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
- His first name was Jesus.
- He was bilingual.
- He was always being harassed by the auuthorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
- He talked with his hands.
- He had wine with every meal.
- He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
- He called everybody "brother.&quoot;
- He liked Gospel.
- He couldn't get a fair trial.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
- He had long hair.
- He walked around barefoot.
- He started a new religion.

AND ...  MAYBE JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
- He had to feed a crowd, at a moments nnotice, when there was no food.
- He kept trying to get the message acrooss to a bunch of men who just
  didn't get it.
- Even when He was dead, He had to get uup because there was more
   work for Him to do.

 

Math Lesson
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Miss Figpot was teaching her class math.  She asked, "Johnnie, if
your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what
would she have?"

Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!?"

 

Engineering Marvel
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of
the human body.  One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer, look
at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous
system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."

The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer.  Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"

 

Vote Tomorrow!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

- If current polls showing very close raaces are accurate, one voter
in each precinct of the United States will determine the outcome.
Please, be that voter in YOUR precinct.

- In 1948, just one additional vote in eeach precinct would have
elected Thomas Dewey.

- In 1976, less then one vote in each prrecinct in Ohio could have
elected President Ford.

- Thomas Jefferson was elected presidentt by one vote in the Electoral
College. So was John Quincy Adams.

- And in Congress, one vote gave statehoood to California, Idaho,
Oregon, Texas and Washington. The Draft Act of World War II passed
the House by one vote.

 

Medical Miracles
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we
can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have them
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have them at work in four
weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced that
we could take a half a heart from one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said: 
"Hah!  We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the
White House, and half of the country will be looking for work within
the year!"

 

Hormone Hostage Guide
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his
hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant
other:

DANGEROUS:  What's for dinner?
SAFER:      Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:     Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS:  Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER:      Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST:     Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS:  What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:      Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:     Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS:  Should you be eating that?
SAFER:      You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:     Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS:  What did you DO all day?
SAFER:      I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST:     I've always loved you in that robe.

 

Parachute Paradigm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute. How would you react?  Here are the likely responses
from major groups of people:
-----

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the
jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before, and someone else will have a chance
that way.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and
get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with
their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a
report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that
it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysit: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds
them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character
of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it
works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous
to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that
jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.

 

Classic Halloween Humor
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex:

10.  You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the
     sack.

9.  If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 

8.  The uglier you  look, the easier it is to get some. 

7.  You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 

6.  It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone
    else, because you  are.

5.  Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4.  If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 

3.  It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2.  Less guilt the morning after.

1.  YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

 

Short Cut
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just
for laughs.  Right in the middle of the cemetery they
were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they looked around, and found an
old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one
of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching
his breath. "You scared us half to death.  We thought
you were a ghost...  What are you doing working here
so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled, "they misspelled my name!"

 

Like Daddy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. There stands
a plain, but well-dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like, for
Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent, like Daddy!"

Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't
say "Thank You."

 

Lost & Found
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've
lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

 

Bar Upsmanship
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Idahoan are drinking in a neighborhood
bar.  They're having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice
place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar but where I come
from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.  At MacDougal's, if you
buy two drinks, MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come
from there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn there's this place,
Vinny's.  At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.  You
buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Then the Idaho guy speaks up, "You think that's great?
Where I come from, there's this place called Jack's.  At Jack's, they
buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy
you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you
laid!"

"Wow!" say the others.  "That's fantastic!  That actually happened to
you?"

"Well, no," replies the Idaho guy, "but it did happen to my sister!"

 

Flatbread Cure (Classic)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to hospital to undergo tests.  The man wakes up after the
tests.  He's in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his
bed rings.

"This is your doctor.  We've had the results back from your tests and
we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called S.H.A.G.  It's a
combination of Syphilis, Herpes, AIDS, & Gonorrhoea!"

"Oh my God, doctor!  What can you do for me?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta
bread."

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no, but it's the only food we can slip under the door..."

 

Punishment Proper
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated
father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room
without supper.  But my son has his own color TV,
phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!"

 

Efficiency's Sake
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in
their respective ambulance team's response times. 

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"
bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response
time by ten percent." 

The other paramedics nodded in approval.  "Not bad," the
second paramedic commented.  "But by using a computer
model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by
20 percent." 

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing!  Since
our  ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our
emergency response time in half!" 

 

Tradition
-=-=-=-=-=-

A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday
for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as
the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing
it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why
she did this.  

The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know,
I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make
a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "So, she phones her
mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the
brisket before roasting.  

The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know,
I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make
a brisket. "Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a
visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know
when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off
the ends before roasting. Why is that?"  

"I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman,
"but I never had a pan that was large enough!"   

 

Got Religion?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A girl asked her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents.  That's a big moment, as I'm sure you all
recognize! What's more, the girl told her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.

Well, the young man was ecstatic, but he had never been with a woman
before, so he made a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.
The pharmacist helped the young man for nearly an hour.

He told the young man everything there was to know about protection
and making the most of their first time together.  At the register,
the pharmacist asked the young man how many he'd like to buy:  a
3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. 

The young man insisted on the family pack because he figured he will
be very busy, this being his first time and all.

That night, the young man showed up at the their home and his
girlfriend met him at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited you're going to
finally meet my parents!  Come on in!" the elated young woman
declared.

The young man entered their home, and was taken directly to the
dinner table where her parents were already seated.  As he sat down,
the young man quickly offered to say grace and bowed his head
somberly as he mumbled under his breath, saying his prayers.

A minute passed, and the young man was still deep in prayer with his
head bowed.  Then two minutes passed;  still no movement from the
young man.  Finally, after 5 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leaned over and whispered to her boyfriend, "I had no idea
you were so religious..."

The young man turned just slightly toward her with eyes still directed
downward, and whispered in response, "And I had no idea your father
was a pharmacist!"

 

Refaced Retirement
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

My father, an extremely modest man, was a salesman of
scales and weighing instruments. He usually sold
highly technical precision instruments to labs,
research facilities, schools, and hospitals.
However, one type of machine was purchased by Mrs.
Fields cookies for use in weighing cookies for sale
by the lb. Just weeks prior to his retirement, while
delivering a heavy machine to a location in a very
busy mall, he had the unfortunate opportunity to
discover that he had forgotten his belt!

While carrying the heavy instrument across the mall
his trousers all of the sudden slipped to his ankles
leaving him standing mid stride in his boxers among a
steady stream of ladies with strollers and small
children! The woman he was to meet saw the unfortunate
incident and ran to meet my father for the first
time while assisting him to pull up and hold his
trousers while he carried her scale to the shop!

 

A Mother's Brownie Recipe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 Remove teddy bear from oven and tell your child, "No, No."
 Preheat oven to 375.

 Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
 Add margarine to 2 cups of sugar.

 Take shortening can away from child and clean cupboards.
 Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

 Take shortening can away from child again and bathe cat.

 Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while
 removing shortening from cat's tail.

 Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp.  vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted
 flour.

 Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and
 open windows for ventilation.

 Take telephone away from child and assure party on the line
 the call was a mistake.  Call operator and attempt to have
 direct dialed call removed from bill.

 Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients
 well.

 Let cat out of refrigerator.

 Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
 Bake 25 minutes.

 Rescue cat and take razor away from child.  Explain to kids
 that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.  Throw
 cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to
 run away.

 Frosting:  Mix the following in saucepan:

 1 cup sugar
 1 oz unsweetened chocolate
 1/4 cup margarine
 Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far
away.

 Answer the door and meekly explain to the nice policeman
 that you didn't know your child had slipped out of the house
 and was heading for the street.   Put child in playpen.

 Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring
 constantly for 2 minutes.

 Answer door and apologize to neighbor for your child having
 stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise
 to pay for ruined carpet.

 Tie child to clothesline.

 Remove burned brownies from oven. 

 [Yields serving for 6, whether they like it or not!]

 

The Legal Way
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked
one of his better students, "Now, if you were to
give someone an orange,  how would you go about
it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No!  Think like a lawyer!" the Professor
insisted.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I
hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my
estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together
with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all
rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut,
freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the
same away with, or without the pulp, juice, rind
and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or
in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever
nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise
not withstanding, domestically or internationally..."

X_______________sign here

 

Rejection, Rejection
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dear Ms. Ezell:

Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept
all refusals for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
Mr. Taylor

 

Qualified Prayer
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast
as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.  She got up,
brushed herself off, and started running again.

As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late... but that doesn't mean to shove me
either!"

 

The Swanky Affair
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband
to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted
husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to
take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need
for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he
went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman
he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he
left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new
"action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they
took care of business. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his
notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him
what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked,
"Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even
danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and
some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume
to sure had one helluva time!"

 

Rockin' and Talkin'
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking.

Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."

A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."

Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."

Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."

Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you
Ma."

A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."

A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma,

 "I don't know about you Ma, but I just don't get too much
 out of this oral sex stuff. "

 

Party Loot
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other,
"Where can I get something to eat around here?"

The second bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going
on down the street, about half a mile, should be plenty of
flowers and pastries to eat."

The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party.

A little while later, the first bee returns, with a bloated
belly and a yarmulke on his head.

He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome! So many
fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!"

The second bee asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did
you convert?"

The first bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I
was a wasp."

 

New Translation
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however,
that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new
monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.

He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that
error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk
says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make
a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
against the original.  Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of
the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming
from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of
the original books crying.

He asks, "What's wrong?" 

"The word is 'Celebrate.'  Celebrate!'" says the old monk.

 

Second Opinion
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "Sir.
I'm really concerned...  I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Yes, doctor, but she's a great cook and really good with the
kids..."

 

What If?
-=-=-=-=-=-

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was her
turn.  She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science &
Nature."

The question said, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a while and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

Seeing Red
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening
planned for he and his wife the night of his return. 

He sent the two older children to the movies, but no matter how he
tried, could not persuade Little Johnnie to go along with them...

Finally he made a deal with the boy. "I'll give you $5.00 for every
man you see go by in a red hat.  You stand here and count them, OK?"

Little Johnnie agreed with a hopeful smile on his face.

A while later Little Johnnie came running into the house, banged on
the bedroom door and shouted, "Hey Dad!  If you think your getting
screwed in there, you'd ain't seen nothin' yet!  You'd better come
outside here.  There's a Shriner convention coming past!"

 

Off Topic
-=-=-=-=-=-

One day on a train, there were two small boys and a middle aged.
She sat reading her book but couldn't help overhearing the two small
boys having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.

"It would be spelt 'W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B',"
the first boy argued.

"No its not! 
It's spelt 'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'," retorted
the other.

The lady leaned over unable to keep to herself and said, "Excuse me
boys, but I think you'll find the word is spelled 'W-O-M-B'."

The first little boy looked at the other, and then back at the lady,
and replied, "Ya know lady, I bet you've never even seen a
hippopotamus, let alone ever heard one fart underwater!"

 

In the End
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction
worker.

They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he would do if
he only had 5 minutes to live.

"Well, I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I'd screw
anything that moved," he answered. "What would you do?"

"I'd stand perfectly still..."

 

Generic Uplift
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra
& announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin &
Mydixarizin.

 

 

History Uncovered
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Some archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a
cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the
following symbols, in this order of appearance:
A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings
were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the
ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to
discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of
the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and
said: 

"This looks like a woman.  We can judge that this
race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. 
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next
symbol resembles donkey, so, they were smart enough to
have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which
means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof
of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if
a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food  didn't grow,
they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears
to be the Star of David which means they were evidently
Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room
and said, "Idiots!  Hebrew is read from right to left. The
message says, "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick!"

 

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up,

he ended up having a complete sex change.

 

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was

waking up so they could give him the bad news.

 

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they

explained what had happened to him.

 

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an

erection ever again!"

 

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be

someone else's, that's all."

 

How To Tell if You're a Geek (part 1):

 

You tend to save power cords from broken appliances.

 

You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

 

A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it

looks like an 'A'" on your paper.

 

You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other

than hanging coats and taping ducts.

 

You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile

tires.

 

Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.

 

Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain

atmospheric absorption theory.

 

You ran the sound system at your senior prom.

 

Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

 

You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own

handwriting.

 

You know what "http" stands for.

 

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

 

How To Tell if You're a Geek (part 2):

 

You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.

 

You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.

 

You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but

every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

 

You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.

 

People groan at the party when you pick out the music.

 

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

 

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission

controllers.

 

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they

didn't get enough sleep.

 

You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...

and your kid in the overhead compartment.

 

You've tried to repair a $5 radio

 

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

 

Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and

chocolate.

 

 

Some people have a lot of vanity. They say, "I only wear

glasses when I drive." If you only need glasses when you

drive, why not drive around with a prescription windshield!

 

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store

and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

 

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk

 

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

 

"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type,

the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do

you need?"

 

Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"

 

The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type

supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen

and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

 

A father often read Bible stories to his young children, One

day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife

and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was

turned to salt."

 

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

 

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records

as dictated by physicians.

 

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had

stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side

for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third

day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began

seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She

also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male,

mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another

hospital.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably

insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the

past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in

separate directions in early December.

*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this

lady pregnant.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health

until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

      *When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences

with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when

Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during

the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat,"

"Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail." 

Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on

him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then

proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense

before detail."

 

30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid

      *A few clowns short of a circus

      *A few fries short of a Happy Meal

      *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity

      *A few beers short of six-pack

      *A few peas short of a casserole

      *Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

      *The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

      *One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl

      *One taco short of a combination plate

      *A few feathers short of a whole duck

      *All foam, no beer

      *Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

      *Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

      *Warning:  Objects in mirror are dumber than they

      appear

      *Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I

      instructions on the heel

      *Too much yardage between the goalposts

      *An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

      *As smart as bait

      *Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

      *Doesn't know much, but leads the league in

      nostril hair

      *Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

      *Forgot to pay his brain bill

      *Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

      *His belt doesn't go through all the loops

      *If he had another brain, it would be lonely

      *No grain in the silo

      *Proof that evolution can go in reverse

      *Receiver is off the hook

      *Several nuts short of a full pouch

      *He fell out of the stupid tree and hit        

      every branch on the way down

 

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. 

She charged that he had called her a pig.  The man was found

guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This

means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the

man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs.

Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good

afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.

 

If you plan to approach your "boss' for a salary

increase, then here is a true story from which you

might learn something!!!

One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual

letter from one of his employee.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the

economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.

I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of

u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including

$weat and $ervice to our company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

 

 

Your$ $incerely,

$teven $tana$a$kis

 

The next day, the employee received this reply :

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

Dear Steven,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays,

NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that

our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading

ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go

into aNOther recession. After the NOvember

presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

 

 

 

A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered

far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower

altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the

balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me,

can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about

thirty feet above this field."

"You must work in information technology," says the

balloonist.

"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically

correct, but of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where

you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in

the same position you were before we met, but now it's my

fault!"

 

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students,

pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be

out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory

to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule

will be fined twenty dollars the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second

time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time

will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there

any questions?"

A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season

pass?"

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

         GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER

         DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 

         Hotel notice, Tokyo:

         IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE

         NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.

 

         On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

         OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

         In a Tokyo bar:

         SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

         In a Bangkok temple:

         IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF

         DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

         Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:

         PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

 

         Hotel brochure, Italy:

         THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN

         FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE

         TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

 

         Hotel lobby, Bucharest:

         THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

         DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

 

         Hotel elevator, Paris:

         PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

 

       .

 

         Hotel, Yugoslavia:

         THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS

         THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

  

 

         Hotel, Japan:

         YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

 

       .

 

         Sign in Japanese public bath:

         FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

 

         Sign in men's rest room in Japan:

         TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

 

         In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

         monastery:

         YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS

         RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE

         BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

         .

 

         Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:

         DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

 

         .

 

         Hotel, Zurich:

         BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF

         THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT

         THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

         .

 

         A laundry in Rome:

         LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE

         AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

         Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:

         WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS

 

         In the window on a Swedish furrier:

         FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

 

         At a Budapest zoo:

         PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY

         SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

 

       .

 

         Doctors office, Rome:

         SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

         COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM

         AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

        

 

        

 

 

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that

"men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that

way." That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a

beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a

wedding safety device, created by women because they know men

are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out,

everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next

guy.

 

 

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys

were a toaster and a radio.

 

They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come

with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it

back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up,

you can't take him back to his mama's house. "I don't know;

he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a

funny noise."

 

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your

beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

 

For most of history, baby-having was in the hands (so to

speak) of women. Many fine people were born under this

system. Things changed in the 1970s. The birthrate dropped

sharply.  Women started going to college and driving

bulldozers and carrying briefcases and using words like

debenture. They didn't have time to have babies… Then young

professional couples began to realize that their lives were

missing something: a sense of stability, of companionship, of

responsibility for another life. So they got Labrador

retrievers. A little later, they started having babies again,

mainly because of the tax advantages.

 

Y to K

-=-=-=-=-

 

A letter from a blonde Y2K software engineer.

-----

 

Dear sir,

 

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be

honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.

 

At any rate, I have finished converting all the months on all the

company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the

following new months:

 

Januark

Februark

Mak

Julk

 

 

I've also updated the days as follows:

 

Mondak

Tuesdak

Wednesdak

Thursdak

Fridak

Saturdak

Sundak

 

Childlike Logic

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and

on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if

we give him the money now, will he let us go early?"

 

 

Special Night Out

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate

her 40th birthday.  He says, "So what would you like, Sherry?

A Jaguar? A sable coat?  A diamond necklace?"

 

She said, "I want a divorce."

 

He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

 

Boomer Reflections

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Baby Boomer's Reflection, then and now.

 

Then:   Long Hair

Now:    Longing for hair

 

Then:   The perfect high.

Now:    The perfect high yield mutual fund.

 

Then:   Keg.

Now:    EKG.

 

Then:   Acid Rock.

Now:   Acid Reflux.

 

Then:   Moving to California because it's cool.

Now:   Moving to California because it's warm.

 

Then:   Growing pot.

Now:   Growing pot belly.

 

Then:   Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.

Now:   Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

 

Then:   Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Now:    Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

 

Then:   Seeds and stems.

Now:    Roughage.

 

Then:   Popping pills, smoking joints.

Now:   Popping joints, aching joints.

 

Then:   Our president's struggle with Fidel.

Now:   Our president's struggle with fidelity.

 

Then:   Paar.

Now:   AARP.

 

Then:   Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Now:   Being caught with Hustler magazine.

 

Then:   Killer weed.

Now:   Weed killer.

 

Then:   Hoping for a BMW.

Now:   Hoping for a BM.

 

Then:   The Grateful Dead.

Now:    Dr. Kevorkian.

 

Then:   Getting out to a new hip joint.

Now:    Getting a new hip joint.

 

Then:   Rolling Stones.

Now:    Kidney stones.

 

Then:   Being called into the principal's office.

Now:    Calling the principal's office.

 

Then:   Screw the system!

Now:   Upgrade the system!

 

Then:   Peace sign.

Now:   Mercedes logo.

 

Then:   Parents begging you to get your hair cut.

Now:   Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

 

Then:   Take acid.

Now:   Take antacid.

 

Then:   Passing the driver's test.

Now:   Passing the vision test.

 

Then:   "Whatever"

Now:    "Depends"

 

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the

night.

 

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young

mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

 

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the

phone rang again.

 

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of

relief. "My husband just found another one."

 

 

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on

Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next

to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old

drunk and says,  "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

 

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

 

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls

him right back up.  "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

 

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

 

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,

brings him up and says,  "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

 

"Noooo, I did not Reverend."

 

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30

seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a

harsh tone,  "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

 

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, 

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

 

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was

engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

      "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad

here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season

ticket to the stadium."

      "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his

magazine.

      Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a

season ticket?"

      "Absolutely not," he said.

      "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

      "Season's more than half over," he said.

 

 

"What's the idea of calling in sick yesterday?"

      "I was sick."

      "You didn't look sick when I saw you at the racetrack."

      "You should have seen me after the sixth race."

 

A corporate executive received a bill from the law firm that

was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly

billings for conferences, research, phone calls, and

everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive

knew that the company would have to pay for each of these

services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of

the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN

DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -$125.

 

 

It has been said that the United States has the best

congressmen money can buy.

 

 

It was a particularly tough game, and nerves were on edge.

The home team had been the victim of three or four close

calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown

and a field goal. When the official called yet another close

one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his

top.

      "How many times can you do this to us in a single

game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you

were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal

tackle in the first quarter."

      The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but

he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the

game.

      "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that YOU

STINK!"

      The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent

down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the

ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

      "And how do I smell from here?" he called.

 

"Jane, if I died, would you marry again?"

      "Yes."

      "And would you let him into my house?"

      "Sure."

      "Would he use my golf clubs?"

      "Nope."

      "Really? Why not?"

      "Because he's left-handed."

 

What are the worst three words you could hear during sex?

 

A.  "Honey, I'm home!"

B.  "The Condom Broke!"

C.  "I've got AIDS

D.  "Get off me!"

E.  "Is it in?"

F.  "Who are you?"

 

Life Saver

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"How come you're late today?" asked the bartender, as the blonde

waitress walked into the bar.

 

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and

there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he

was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull

was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that

first-aid course."

 

"Oh my God, what did you do?" asked the bartender.

 

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

 

If Men Truly Ran The World

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1.  Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and

     saying,  "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty 

     much do it.

 

2.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.

 

3.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it

     would occur only on leap years

 

4.  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the

     day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

 

5.  St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the

     same. But it would be celebrated every month.

 

6.  Garbage would take itself out.

 

7.  The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be

     "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

 

8.  Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

 

9.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

 

10. Two words... "Ally McNaked".

 

11. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer

      you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

      Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

      You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the

      place."

 

12. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

 

13. Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per

      year.

 

14. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

      (Unless his girlfriend broke up with him that day.)

 

15. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill

      and eat the losers.

 

16. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long

      as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

 

17. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could

      present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said,

      "You're #1!"

 

18. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during

      the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the

      screen during a time-out.

 

19. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an

     acceptable response to "I love you."

 

20. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be

      an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

 

Truth of Nature

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the

trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general

began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer

uncomfortable.

 

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he

was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing

around his head.

 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are

ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if

that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies."

 

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms.  See,

they're called circle flies because they're almost always found

circling around the back end of a horse."

 

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.  Then

after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you

trying to call me a horse's ass?"

 

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law

enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a

horse's ass."

 

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to

writing the ticket.

 

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies

though..."

 

Elderly Love

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination

on the same day so they could travel together.  After the

examination, the doctor said to the man, "You appear to be in good

health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask

me?"

 

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife

the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after having

sex with my wife the second time, I'm always cold and chilly."

 

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything

appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would

like to discuss with me?"  The lady replied that she had no questions

or concerns.

 

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern.  He

claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first

time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you

know why?"

 

"Oh that crazy old coot!" she replied, "that's because the first

time is usually in July and the second time is almost always in

December!"

 

Dear Americans,

 

As I am an American Citizen it pains me to write this in some ways,

but seeing as I have lived in Australia for the better part of the

last 16 years I thought I would respond to various comments made by

some of my countrymen and women.

 

The USA appear to be under the wrong assumption that they walked

away with Olympic glory and are proclaiming themselves as the

greatest sporting nation on earth. This info is based on a couple of

e-mails we have received over the last 48 hours. 

 

Dave and I thought we would jot our USA 'friends', (and copy just

about everybody else we know) a little analysis that should set the

record straight once and for all:

 

Population

USA approx 280,000,000

Australia approx 19,000,000

 

Medal Tally

USA 39-25-33-97

Aus 16-25-17-58

 

so..................................

USA - one medal for every 2,886,600 people

Aus - one medal for every 327,600 people  - WINNER

 

USA - GOLD medal one for every 7,179,500 people

Aus - GOLD medal one for every 1,187,500 people  - WINNER

 

USA - one Bazillion $US spent on every competing athlete

Aus - 100 Australian pesos spent on every competing athlete  - WINNER

 

USA - 4.67% of world population 10.43% of medals.....

2.23 times over performed.

 

Aus - 0.32% of world population 6.24% of medals....

19.50 times over performed  - WINNER

 

USA - to win equivalent medals to Aus based on

population would have to have won........854 medals

Aus - to win equivalent medals to USA based on

population would have to have won.......6 medals - WINNER

 

Based on Population, Australia won 8.8 times more medals than America

Based on population USA won only 0.1 the amount of medals of

Australia  - WINNER

 

Aussie Aussie Aussie........Oi Oi Oi

 

Testimony

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

 

Defendant: No, I did not.

 

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

 

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the

penalty for murder.

 

Dust Bunnies

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day Little Johnnie was rooting around in the dust bunnies

under his parents' bed, and he found some of their S&M

magazines. 

 

Johnnie was engrossed in looking through them when his

mother walked in and caught him with a sheepish look on his

face.  She was stunned and didn't know what to do or say. 

What could she say, after all?

 

Later that evening, she was telling her husband about what

she'd caught Little Johnnie doing:

 

"What are we going to do about this, Honey?  I mean, he

shouldn't be looking at that stuff, and what was he doing in

there anyway?  We've got to put a stop to this!" she cried.

 

"Well, what do you want me to do?  We can't spank him!"

 

Notes to the Landlord

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until

it is cleared."

 

"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and

burnt my knob off."

 

"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the

man next door."

 

"The toilet seat is cracked.  Where do I stand?"

 

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from

the wall."

 

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

 

"The person next door has a large erection in his backyard,

which is unsightly and dangerous."

 

"Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk?

Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

 

"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and

would like to have a third, so will you please send someone

to do something about it."

 

"Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our

bathtub?  My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very

uncomfortable for us."

 

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every

morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting to be too

much."

 

"When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's

new drawers and made a real mess.  Please send men with clean tools to

finish the job and keep my wife happy."

 

Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment

together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a

chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a

cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote

Democratic.'"

      His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it

doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And

when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

 

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as

though he'd just escaped a tornado.

 

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

 

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

 

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How

could he have beaten you?"

 

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked

for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes -

any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"

 

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

 

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said,

'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my

club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

 

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

 

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed

the ball completely."

 

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one

swing. How did he win the game?"

 

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball while

waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"

  

 

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced

traveler. Wake-up calls: worst way to wake up. The phone

rings; it's loud; you can't turn it down. I leave the number

of the room next to me, and then  it rings kind of quiet, and

you hear a guy yell, "What are you calling me for?" Then you

get up and take a shower. It's great.

 

 

The Masterpiece

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.

 

"No," the talented artist said. 

"I just don't do that sort of thing."

 

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

 

"No, no thanks!!"

 

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

 

"Okay," said the artist, "but I need somewhere to place my

brushes, so you'll at least have to let me wear my socks!"

 

 

Decorated Return

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which

he had been in many battles and won many decorations.  He was finally

discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he

hadn't seen in almost four years.

 

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him

and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple

Heart on!"

 

Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she

replied, "At this point, I don't give a damn what color it is!! Let

him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."

 

New Proverbs

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs and gave each

child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come

up with the remainder.  Enjoy the childlike fun!

 

-----

 

- Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

 

- Strike while the... bug is close.

 

- It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings Time.

 

- Never underestimate the power of... termites.

 

- You can lead a horse to water but... how?

 

- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

 

- No news is... impossible.

 

- A miss is as good as a... Mr.

 

- You can't teach an old dog new... math.

 

- If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

 

- Love all, trust... me.

 

- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

 

- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

 

- Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

 

- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.

 

- A penny saved is... not much.

 

- Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

 

- Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

 

- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...

   you have to blow your nose.

 

- None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.

 

- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

 

- If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

 

- You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

 

- When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

 

          AND perhaps the best of all...

 

- Better late than... pregnant

 

 

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to

a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will

be well cared for.

 

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty

breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a

lovely flower garden.

 

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean

over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately

rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems

OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

 

This goes on all morning.

 

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is

adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they

treating you all right?" they ask.

 

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me

fart."

 

 

A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000

companies provided the following unbelievable but true

examples of job applicant behavior.

"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a

question became apparent when he began to snore."

"When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the

organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she

was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for

her vacations."

"Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To

party and socialize."

"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the

interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the

wastebasket."

"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent

high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a

nickel less.'"

"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to

my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to

eat it until later."

"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but

she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud

of her grade point average.  It was 2.1."

"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid

of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses

and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."

"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer

wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."

"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and

proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."

"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and

his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. 

I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not

sportswear."

"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position,

although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."

"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then

tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I

was upset."

"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume

and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and

two people."

 

 

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.

"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.

"I've been lost for three weeks."

 

 

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them

straight out that they're going to die."

 

 

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the

convent, led by one of the sisters.  They go into a room

with four portraits.

 

"Who is this?" asks the padre.

 

"Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe"

 

"And this portrait?"

 

"That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi"

 

"Who is this third one?"

 

"That is the Virgin of Ishia"

 

"And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"

 

"Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."

 

 

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership.  She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around  nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.  As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman.

 

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

 

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely

vehicle?"

 

He answered, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

 

 

Satya

 

 

1. Ladki chahey jitni bhi lambi ho, mooteygi beeth key hi.

2. Jassbaat aur mummey, jitney dabaogey utney ubharengey.

3. Zindagi aur jhanten, jitni suljhao gey utani hi uljhyngi.

4. Rocket aur tharak, insaan ko kahan sey kahaan pahuncha deti hai.

5. Pani aur lund, apna rasta khud hi dhoondh letey hain.

6. Saanp aur chut, jahan dikhey maar do.

7. Samay aur chutiya, sabhi ka kat ta hai.

8. Maut aur tatti, kabhi bhi, kahin bhi aa sakti hai.

9. Musibat aur lund, kabhi bata key khadi nahin hoti.

10. Gaddi aur bewi, khabhi dosarey to dogey to chud key hi vapas milegi.

11. Gaand aur doodh, jab phattey hain to aawaz nahin karatey.

12. Naan aur kuttey ka lund, andar jaaker phool jatey hain.

13. Bhagwan aur chut, sirf sapaney mein hi nazar aatey hain.

14. Ghodha aur insaan, kabhi budha nahin hota.

15. Tattey chahey jitney bhi badey hoon, rahatey hamesha lund key

neechey hi hain.

16. Mukh sey nikli baat aur haath sey nikli chut, phir khabhi vapas

nahein aati.

17. Haath aur Mummon ki ladaii mein, chut hamesha marati hai.

18. Chut aur bhut, sirf naseeb walon ko hi nazar aatey hain.

19. Lund aur ghamand ko hamesha apney kabuu mein rahaney mein hi bhalai

hoti hai.

20. Aurat ki chut aur daldey key dabbey ki, seal ak baar khul jaye to

phir kabhi bandh nahin hooti.

21. Chudai aur khudai (digging) hamesha uper se nichey ki taraf hi hoti

hai.

22. Samay se pehely aur kismat se jyada, na khabhi kisi ko mila hai na

milega.

23. Dooserey ke kachhey mein lund hamesha bada hi nazar aata hai.

24. Saanp aur sindhi agar ek saath nazar aaye, to peheley sindhi ko

marna chahiye phir saanp ko.