Literalism

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.

Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the

stories for fun.

 

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the

teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to

the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire

building materials for his home.  She said "...And so the pig went up

to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir,

but might I have some of that straw to build my house?"

 

Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man

said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know!  I

know! He said, 'Holy Shit!!  A talking pig!'"

 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

 

Bubba

-=-=-=-=-

 

Two rednecks, Earl and Bubba, were driving down the road one day

drinking a couple of Buds.  Earl looked up and says, "Lookee up

thar, Bubba, a road block.  Them po-leesemans gonna catch us

a-drinkin'."

 

Bubba says, "No siree they won't.  You do exlackly like I says.

Finish your beer, peel the label off, and put the bottle under the

seat.  Now stick the label on yur ferhead."

 

Earl does exactly as Bubba says.  They pull up to the road block and

stop.  Naturally, the first thing the policeman asked was, "You boys

been drinking?"  "No siree," says Bubba, "we're on the patch."

 

 

Computer Acronyms

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industrry Acronyms

 

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

 

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

 

SCSI - System Can't See It

 

DOS - Defunct Operating System

 

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

 

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

 

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

 

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

 

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

 

WWW - World Wide Wait

 

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OOperating System

Hangs

 

 

 

 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

 

       I took her for better or worse, but she's

              worse than I took her for.

 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

 

 

"Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90s"

 

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the

    back seat of your car.

 

21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have

    e-mail addresses.

 

20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your bookmarks.

 

19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks

    and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

 

18. You actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

 

17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

 

16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

 

15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.

 

14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

 

13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

 

12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products

    don't even exist any more.

 

11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.

 

10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

 

9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

 

8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

 

7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

 

6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

 

5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door

   neighbors.

 

4. You ask your friends to "think out of the "box" when making Friday night plans.

 

3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a

   matrix.

 

2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

 

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90s:

 

1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person

 

 ~~

 

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money.

 She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because,

 "Its a lot of money!". The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.

 The bank president then asked here how much she would like to deposit.

 She replied "$1,65,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.

 

 The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,

  so he asked her, " Ma'am where did you get this money?" The old lady

 replied, " I make bets."

 

 The president then asked, "Bets/ What kind of bets?" The old woman

  said, " Well, for example, I'll bet you $ 25,000 that your balls are square."

 "Ha!" laughed the president, " That's a stupid bet. You can never win that

  kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, " So, would you like to take my bet ?"

 "Sure," said the president, " I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

 

 The old lady said, " Okay but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness ?" " Sure" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.

 

 The next morning, at precisely 10:00 AM, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet. " $25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

 

 The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.  The president complied.

 

 The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

 "Well okay," said the president, "$ 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absoloutely sure."  Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quitely banging his head against the wall. The president said, " What wrong with your lawyer?"

 

 She replied, " Nothing except I bet him $ 100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd

 have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

 

Pouring In

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives

accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some

valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent

out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special

rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.

 

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

 

I Love You

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced

with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them

one thousand dollars.

 

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new

clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look

saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why?  Because I

love you, dear."

 

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new

stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these

things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

 

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled

her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to

multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I

have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our

future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

 

The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then

gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with

the biggest breasts.

 

 

Bad Day?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

~ Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

 

~ You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

 

~ Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

 

~ Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

 

~ You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

 

~ You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

 

~ Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

 

~ Your income tax refund check bounces.

 

~ It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

 

~ The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

 

~ You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

 

~ Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

 

~ You put both contacts in the same eye.

 

~ Your mother approves of the girl you are dating.

 

~ Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

 

~ You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

 

~ Nothing you own is actually paid for.

 

~ Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

 

~ The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

 

~ You invite the peeping Tom in . . . and he says no.

 

~ The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

 

~ People think that you're 40 and you're only 35.

 

~ You call your Mom and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight

and when you get home, there's a sandwich on the front porch.

 

~ You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party

last night . . . and there aren't any.

 

~~

 

Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the

Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission).

 

Accidently,the photograph fell down from his pocket.He started searching

for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus.

 

Politely,he asked the saree clad female,standing in front of him,"Can

you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph"

 

The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted

in a hospital.

 

He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a still

worse condition.

 

Banta started to explain his "Adventure".

He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of

intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last

bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel.

 

So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay

there for the night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up

daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".

 

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the

night.The Owner replied,"I have  3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't

allow you to stay".

 

He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked," Do

you have "grown up" daughters?".  The Owner asked,"WHY?????????"

 

Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night..... "

 

~~

 

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The couselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "  Well not exactly, it's she that suffers, not me."

 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

             

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.

"I should tell you,I have acute angina."she said. The man replied,"thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

 

~~

 

A fellow joins the local fire department. After attending a couple of meetings he announces to his wife that he is going to institute the same system at home that he learned at the fire department. That is ,when bell one rings, they

will go up stairs to the bedroom. When bell two rings they will take off their clothes and get on the bed. When bell three rings they will make love.

 

Sure enough late one evening he announces "bell one" and they go up stairs . He announces "bell two " and they remove their clothes and get on the bed. He announces "bell three" and they begin to furiously screw. All of a sudden his wife starts yelling "bell four! bell four!" the guy asks " what the hell is bell four?" to this the wife replys "more hose, more hose, your not near the fire!".

 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

 

This guy visits Kuwait before Desert Storm and mentions to his guide that he has noticed that the men in Kuwait always walk 10 paces in front of the women. "Why is this so?" he asks. "Out of respect to the men" his guide answers After the war he returns and now notes that the women walk 10 paces in front of the men. "I see American influnce has changed your attitudes regarding women. What

exactly is the reason for the change?"

 

"Land mines" answers the guide.

 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

      

 

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and who could spell it. Alfalfa raises his hand and he says d-i-k-t-a-t-e-. Teacher says sorry that's wrong and calls on Buckwheat. Buckwheat says d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e.

Sorry says the teracher, that's not right. She calls on Darla and Darla says d-i-c-t-a-t-e. Very good Darla, says the teacher, that's correct. Now, says the teacher, who can use this word in a sentence? Buckwheat raises his hand

I know-Iknow, he says. OK says the teacher, please use the word Buckwheat. Buckwheat says:

 

How did my dictate last night, Darla?

 

~~

 

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

~~

 

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

 

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT

 

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

 

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

 

PERSONAL HYGIENE

 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 

DATING (Outside the Family)

 

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:

   "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

THEATER ETIQUETTE

 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

 

WEDDINGS

 

1.  Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2.  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3.  For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

 

1.  Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2.  When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3.  Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4.  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5.  Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

 

 

Family Gift

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Amanpreet heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and

great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

 

So, on his 21st birthday, Amanpreet and his good friend Brian headed out

to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

 

When Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and

began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Amanpreet

stepped off of the side of the boat . . . and nearly drowned.

 

Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.

 

When Amanpreet arrived back at the family farm, he asked his

grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water

like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

 

The feeble old grandmother took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into

his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather,

and great-grandfather were born in January . . . you were born in July,

dear."

 

 

Mother's Dictionary

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to

make love again.

 

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

 

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance

apart to  keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

 

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the

strained carrots.

 

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

 

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even

though they're sure you're not raising them right.

 

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

 

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

 

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do

everything we say.

 

 

Immediate Employment

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side

Consulting Group.

 

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting

Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord.  The ideal candidate for this

position would like galactic travel and possess a complete

understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a

willingness to learn.

 

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on

intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives,

ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of

laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some

slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be

performed using the Force or hand weapons.

 

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills

(especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be

action-oriented individuals and risk takers.   A background in study

of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be

acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in

Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

 

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection

equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes

of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate.   A

proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control

others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic

languages.   Ideal candidates for this position would also have no

children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the

Force.  (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this

requirement.)

 

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and

is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous

severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing

allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with

the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based

organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. 

Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future

before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of

July.  Transmit them to [email protected].

 

Loong time good one....

 

~~

 

The Smiths had no children and the infertility clinic decided to use a

proxy father to start their family.

 

On the day the proxy father was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed

His wife and said, "The man should be here soon. I don't want to be here.

I'm off".

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

Rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know

me but I've come to..."

 

"No need to explain. I've been expecting you."

 

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of

babies."

 

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat." said the wife.

 

Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything

To me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a

couple

 

on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really

spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm

sure you'll be pleased with the results."

 

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam,

in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in

five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

 

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his

briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was

done on the top of the Fifth Avenue bus in New York City." "Oh my god!!"

Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins

turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so

difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

 

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally

had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were

crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."Four and

five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the

photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was

constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then

darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, I just packed

it all in."

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean over three hours....?" "That's

right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can

get to work."

 

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to

use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while

I'm getting ready for action.

 

"Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

 

 

~~

 

 

Heard of ABCD = American Born Confused Desi...

 

But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ?

 

American Born Confused Desi, Emigrated From Gujrat, Housed In

Jersey, Keeping Lotsa Money, Named Omkarnath Patel, Quickly

Reached   Success  Through Underhanded Vicious Ways, Xenophobic Yet

Zestful.

 

~~

 

 We are all Gifted, Average, or Slow depending on the task at hand.

 

~~

 

 Ive learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

 

~~

 

 A thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness  of warning.

 

 

 MARRIAGE QUOTES

 ---------------

 

 An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she

 gets  the more interested he is in her.

 

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

 Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men

 should be  happier than others.

 

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

 

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

 I don't worry about terrorism. I was married  for two years.

 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------

 It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems  longer.

 

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you

 expensive answers that your  wife will give you for free.

  

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------

   Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be  married too.

  

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------

 Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for  another thing, they die earlier.

  

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------

 "A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."

  

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------

 "Women will never be equal to men until they

 can walk down the street   bald  and still think they are beautiful."

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------

 Marriage is a three ring circus:

   --engagement ring

   ---wedding ring

   ---suffering

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

 When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.  When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone

 wonders why.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

   Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget    it once.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

   When a man opens the door of his car for his

 wife, you can be sure of  one  thing: either the car is new or the  wife.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------

   When a man is single, he's incomplete. When he's married, he's finished.

 

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

 

Dear Dad & Dear Son

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

 Dear Dad,

 

$chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

 

Love,

Your $on

 

The Reply:

----------

Dear Son,

 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceanography are eNOugh to keep even an

hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble

task, and you can never study eNOugh.

 

Love,

Dad

 

Word Play

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

* * New Politically Correct Terms * *

 

Airhead = Reality Impaired

 

Bald = Comb-Free

 

Bald = Folically Challenged

 

Blind = Photonically Non-receptive

 

Dead = Metabolically Challenged

 

Deaf = Visually Oriented

 

Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged

 

Drunk = Spacially Perplexed

 

Fat = Calorifically Enhanced

 

Girl = Pre-Woman (Gyno-American?)

 

Handicapped = Differently Abled

 

Homeless = Optionally Residential

 

Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider

 

Housewife = Domestic Technician

 

Hunter = Animal Assassin

 

Insane People = Selectively Perceptive

 

Old People = Gerentologically Advanced

 

Poor = Economically Deficient

 

Poor = Economically Unprepared

 

Short = Vertically Challenged

 

Slum = Economic Oppression Zone

 

Ugly = Attractively Impaired

 

 

Terrible Wreck

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and

passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little

monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

 

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could

talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and

down.

 

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the

monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes,"

motioned the monkey. "What happened?"

 

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by

his mouth.  "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes," nodded

the Monkey. "What else?" asked the officer.

 

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth,

sucking inward quickly. "They were smoking marijuana too?" said the

officer. "Yes," nodded the Monkey.

 

"What else?" queried the officer. The monkey motioned with his

fingers..."Screwing." "They were screwing, too!?" asked the astounded

officer. "Yes," nodded the monkey.

 

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and

screwing before they wrecked?" "Yes," the Monkey nodded. "What were

you doing during all this?" asked the Officer. "Driving," motioned

the monkey.

 

Thinking of Her

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

She could be compared with the morning dew,

She could be compared with blooming flowers,

She could be compared with exotic wine,

She could be compared with some fancy car,

She could be compared with some beautiful Hollywood movie star

She could be compared with a beautiful white pearl

Someone could write sonnets on her,

Someone could make, miles of films on her

But when I think of Her, all these things seem so very common

Some of them very base, nothing without which I could not live with

grace.

Found easily almost everyday someplace,

Most of them  coming in any rich man's reach

To please his fancy for a few hours each

But she is so very rare, so very fine

Just like a single sparkling diamond in a coal mine

Now I ask you to close your eyes to picture such a heavenly sight

Just like one shinning star in the dark big sky

If my words could do justice to such a rarely seen sight

Than I promise I would write, write and write.

Till than I just want to sit back and enjoy her sight.

Which for me she is sight of all sights.

 

~~

 

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already

tomorrow in Australia.  (unless you're in Australia - then

start worrying)

 

 

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)

 

 1. Elementary Map Reading

 

 2. Crying and Law Enforcement

 

 3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

 

 4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

 

 5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

 

 6. The Seven-Outfit Week

 

 7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since

Puberty: Deal With it"

 

 8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

 

 9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

 

 10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

 

 11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

 

 12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

 

 13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")

 

 14. How to Earn Your Own Money

 

 15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics

Good")

 

 16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

 

 17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

 

 18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

 

 19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

 

 20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

 

 21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

 

 22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

 

 23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

 

 24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

 

 25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

 

 26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

 

In Africa

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One of the Primitive who lives in one of the biggest forests in

Africa, got some news that people are going and returning from the moon.

 

He said, "If they pretend to know much by going to the moon we will

go to the sun."

 

The other guy says, "Hey, the sun is too hot; how can you go near it?

He replied confidently, "Excuse me I am not a fool we will go at

night!!!"

 

Medical Charts

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on patients' medical charts:

 

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.

 

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.

 

6. Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.

 

7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

 

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

 

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

 

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

 

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

 

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

 

15. She is numb from her toes down.

 

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

 

17. The skin was moist and dry.

 

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

 

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

 

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

 

27. Skin:  Somewhat pale but present.

 

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

 

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

 

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

 

 

 

 

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

 

~~

 

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded rooom.

 

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."

MARRIAGE - What the heck are you talking about?

 

LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

 

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

>

 

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

 

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When you couldn't care less

MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TVV.

 

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."

LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."

MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

 

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

 

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

 

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is youur only thought.

 

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your goolf score.

 

~~

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

~~

 

Can't Be Reached

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

 

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that

they can never reach me."

 

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

 

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best

thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

 

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

 

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

 

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

 

Blonde,  "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code

keeps changing."

 

 

Training Course

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses

are now available for women on the following subjects:

 

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

 

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

 

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

 

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

 

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

 

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

 

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

 

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

 

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

 

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

 

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

 

12. Introduction to Parking

 

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

 

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

 

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

 

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

 

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

 

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

 

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

 

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

 

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

 

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

 

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

 

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

 

25.  TV Remotes: For Men Only

 

Explaining Politics

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day a son asked his father to explain what politics was.

 

DAD, "Well son, let us take our home for example. I am the wage

earner, so let us call me the Management. Your mother is the

administrator of the  money, so we will call her the government. We

take care of you and your  needs, so let us call you the People. We

will call the maid the Working  class and your baby brother the

Future. Do you understand politics then?"

 

SON,  "I am not really sure dad, but I will think about it."

 

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother crying, so he

went to see what was wrong. He discovered that the baby had heavily

soiled  his nappy. The son went to his parents room and found his

mother asleep. He then went to the maids room where, peeping through

the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. He tried to

knock but his  knock went totally unheard. He then decided to go back

to his room and  slept.

 

The next morning he went to his father and said he finally

understood what politics was.

 

~~

 

BEST AUTHENTIC NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

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Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 

English Professor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is

nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it

correctly.

 

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

 

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

 

Newly Weds

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a

winding country road.  The husband had been trying to figure out a

way to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet

consummated their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more

than he could handle.

 

As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged in the act

of reproduction.

 

The husband leaned over to his new bride and whispered in her ear;

"Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is doing?"

 

"Do what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not our

cow."

 

~~

 

Office Prayer !!!!

 

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they made me mad.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the asses, that I may have to kiss tomorrow."

 

~~

 

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why

some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

 

~~

 

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists

can never earn as much as business executives and sales

people."

 

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical

equation based on the following two postulates:

 

1. Knowledge is Power.

2. Time is Money.

 

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

 

Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money

then Knowledge = Work/Money.

 

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

 

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches

infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

 

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

 

 

~~

 

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

 

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom.

When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

 

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

 

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

 

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

 

 

Passionate Love

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

 

The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."

 

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

 

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

 

 

Cruising Along

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could

barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along they came

to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on

through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must

be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light,"

 

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the

light was red again and again they went right through.  This time the

woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been

red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting

nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the

next intersection to see what was going on. 

 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red

and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and

said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in

a row! You could have killed us!" 

 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

 

Corruption

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Signs That You Just Might Have a Bad Apartment

 

It's the same bedroom you had as a kid, but now your parents are

charging you $450 a month.

 

Your buildings security system is a cardboard cutout of Clint

Eastwood.

 

Rent must be paid in small, non-sequential bills.

 

Every time you pass the doorman, he's wearing another article of your

clothing.

 

You can't get through your bedroom door because of the yellow police

tape.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~Lawyer 1-Liners ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? 

-A tick falls off you when you die.

 

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? -To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

 

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?  -Not enough sand.

 

What's the difference between a dead snake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?  -There are skid marks in front of the snake.

 

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyers?

-A Doberman.

 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?  -One in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

 

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?  -They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

Lawyers' creed  -A man is innocent until proven broke.

 

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.  "Yes", the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question?"

 

 

 

Emotional Extremes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending

their first class on emotional extremes.

 

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the

student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of

joy?"

 

"Sadness," said the UH student.

 

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from

the University of Texas.

 

"Elation," said she.

 

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas AM, "how about

the opposite of woe?

 

"The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

 

 

A Couple of Buds

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two rednecks, Earl and Bubba, were driving down the road one day

drinking a couple of Buds.  Earl looked up and says, "Lookee up thar,

Bubba a road block.  Them po-leesemans gonna catch us a-drinkin'."

 

Bubba says, "No siree they won't.  You do exlackly like I says.

Finish your beer, peel the label off, and put the bottle under the

seat.  Now stick the label on yur ferhead."

 

Earl does exactly as Bubba says.  They pull up to the road block and

stop.  Naturally, the first thing the policeman asked was, "You boys

been drinking?"  "No siree," says Bubba, "we're on the patch."

 

 

Interpretations

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

 

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

 

Her friend visits her the next day and asked, "Are you hurt?"

 

She replied, "Of course I'm hurt;  He hasn't called!  He hasn't written!"

 

 

Symptoms of Inner Peace

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

~ A tendency to think and act spontaneously, rather than on fears based on past experiences.

 

~ An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

 

~ A loss of interest in judging other people.

 

~ A loss of interest in judging self.

 

~ A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

 

~ A loss of the ability to worry.

 

~ Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

 

~ Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.

 

~ Frequent attacks of smiling.

 

~ An increasing tendency to let things happen.

 

~ An increased susceptibility to love, and to freely receive the love extended by others, as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

 

~~

 

 

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grand-children, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

 

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

 

"Who me? Never Father, I'm Jewish."

 

"So then, why are you telling me?"

 

"I'm telling everybody."

 

~~

 

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid?"

 

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100

profit for me."

 

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700.  $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

 

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, "$2700." The guard, incredulously looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

 

 

Animal Heaven

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter greeted him at the gate and told the cat that he could have anything in the whole world that he wanted. The cat told him that all he wanted was a big, white, fluffy pillow. The pillow appeared next to the cat and he was on his way with his new pillow.

 

About three days later, four mice died and came to heaven. Once again, St. Peter greeted the mice and told them that they could have anything in the whole world. The mice thought about it and then told him that they were sick of being chased by cats that were so much faster than them, so they each wanted a pair of roller skates. The skates appeared next to them and they put them on. They skated away

looking happy.

 

Three or four days later St. Peter came across the cat laying on his big, white, fluffy pillow. St. Peter asked how he was enjoying animal heaven and the cat said that it was great and he really enjoyed his new pillow. The cat added ". .  and by the way, thanks for the meals on wheels you've been sending me!"

 

 

Van Gogh

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

After much careful historical (hysterical?) research, it has been

discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

 

Among them were:

 

His obnoxious brother Please Gogh

 

His dizzy aunt Verti Gogh

 

The brother who ate prunes Gotta Gogh

 

The constipated uncle Cant Gogh

 

The brother who worked at a convenience store Stopn Gogh

 

The grandfather from Yugoslavia U Gogh

 

The brother who bleached his clothes white Hue Gogh

 

The cousin from Illinois Chica Gogh

 

The cousin who wasn't allowed to leave the country: M. Barr Gogh

 

His magician uncle Wheredid D. Gogh

 

His Mexican cousin Ahmee Gogh

 

The Mexican cousin's anglo half brother Grin Gogh

 

The nephew who drove a stagecoach Wellsfar Gogh

 

The ballroom dancing aunt Tan Gogh

 

A sister who loved disco Go Gogh

 

The bird lover uncle Flamin Gogh

 

His nephew psychoanalyst E. Gogh

 

The fruit loving cousin Man Gogh

 

An aunt who taught positive thinking Wayto Gogh

 

The little bouncy nephew Poh Gogh

 

And his niece who travels the country in a van Winnie Bay Gogh

 

And so it goghs...

 

 

Double Decker Bus

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and

chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two

seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the

bus available when they board.  They decided to take turns riding in

the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn.  The blonde

won the toss.

 

A couple of hours later it's the red head's turn so she walks up the

stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death.

She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles

are white.

 

"What's goin' on?" the red head asks.  We're havin' a grand old time

down below."

 

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

 

 

Worried Housewife

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and

listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you,

darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

 

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've

had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke

down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just

sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the

house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner

tonight."

 

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling,"

she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes.  I'll be over in

half an hour.  I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook

your dinner for you.  I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I

know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now

stop crying. I'll do everything.  In fact, I'll even call George at

the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

 

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

 

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

 

"No, this is 223-1375."

 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

 

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean

you're not coming over?"

 

Hey Doc!!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I think I'm hung up

on women's breasts." The psychiatrist says, "We'll see. I'll give you

a quick word-association test. I'll say something, and then you say

the first thing that comes into your mind.

 

The doctor says, 2 Egg." The guy says, "Boobs." The doctor says,

"Orange." The guy says, "Hooters." The doctor says, "Grapefruit." The

guy says, "Jugs." The doctor says, "Windshield wipers." The guy says,

"Knockers."

 

The psychiatrist says, "It's very obvious you have a problem. I mean,

I can understand the egg, an orange, or even a grapefruit, but why

would windshield wipers make you think of breasts?" The guy says,

"Are you kidding, Doc? . . .  First this one, then that one, then this

one, then that one . . . ."

 

 

The Top 37 Oxymorons

 

     37. Act naturally

     36. Found missing

     35. Resident alien

     34. Advanced Basic

     33. Good grief

     32. Same difference

     31. Almost exactly

     30. Sanitary landfill

     29. Alone together

     28. Legally drunk

     27. Silent scream

     26. Small crowd

     25. Soft rock

     24. Butt head

     23. New classic

     22. Sweet sorrow

     21. Childproof

     20. Now, then ...

     19. Synthetic natural gas

     18. Passive aggressive

     17. Taped live

     16. Clearly misunderstood

     15. Peace force

     14. Extinct Life

     13. Temporary tax increase

     12. Computer jock

     11. Plastic glasses

     10. Terribly pleased

     09. Political science

     08. Tight slacks

     07. Definite maybe

     06. Pretty ugly

     05. Twelve-ounce pound cake

     04. Diet ice cream

     03. Working vacation

     02. Exact estimate

     01. Microsoft Works

 

 

 

The Rope

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a

plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

 

They all decided that one person should get off because if they

didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could

decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

 

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would

get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

 

Problem solved.

 

 

I Believe

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I believe the president. I have always believed him. I believed him

when he said he had never been drafted in the Vietnam War and I

believed him when he said he had forgotten to mention that he had

been drafted in the Vietnam War.

 

I believed him when he said he hadn't had sex with Gennifer Flowers

and I believe him now, when he reportedly says he did.

 

I believe the president did not rent out the Lincoln Bedroom, did not

sell access to himself and the vice president to hundreds of

well-heeled special pleaders and did not supervise the largest, most

systematic money-laundering operation in campaign finance history,

collecting more than $3 million in illegal and improper donations. I

believe that Charlie Trie and James Riady were motivated by nothing

but patriotism for their adopted country.

 

I believed Vice President Gore when he said that he had made dunning

calls to political contributors "on a few occasions" from his White

House office, and I believed him when he said that, actually, "a

few" meant 46. I believe in no controlling legal authority.

 

I believe Bruce Babbitt when he says that the $286,000 contributed to

the DNC by Indian tribes opposed to granting a casino license to

rival tribes had nothing to do with his denial of the license. I

believed the secretary when he said that he had not been instructed

in this matter by then-White House deputy chief of staff Harold

Ickes. I believed him when he said later that he had told lobbyist

and friend Paul Eckstein that Ickes had told him to move on the

casino decision, but that he had been lying to Eckstein. I agree with

the secretary that it is an outrage that anyone would question his

integrity.

 

I believe in the Clinton Standard of adherence to the nation's

campaign finance and bribery laws, enunciated by the president on

March 7, 1997:  "I don't believe you can find any evidence of the

fact that I had changed government policy solely because of a

contribution." I note with approval the use of the word "evidence"

and also the use of the word "solely." I believe that it is proper to

change government policy to address the concerns of people who have

given the president money, as long as nobody can find evidence of

this being the sole reason.

 

I believe the president has lived up to his promise to preside over

the most ethical administration in American history. I believe that

indicted former agriculture secretary Mike Espy did not accept

$35,000 in illegal favors from Tyson Foods and other regulated

businesses. I believe that indicted former housing secretary Henry

Cisneros did not lie to the FBI and tell others to lie to cover up

$250,000 in blackmail payments to his former mistress.  I believe

that convicted former associate attorney general Webster Hubbell was

not involved in the obstruction of justice when the president's

minions arranged for Hubbell to receive $400,000 in sweetheart

consulting deals at a time when he was reneging on his promise to

cooperate with Kenneth Starr's Whitewater investigation.

 

I believe Paula Jones is a cheap tramp who was asking for it.

I believe Kathleen Willey is a cheap tramp who was asking for it.

I believe Monica Lewinsky is a cheap tramp who was asking for it.

 

I believe Lewinsky was fantasizing in her 20 hours of taped

conversation in which she reportedly detailed her sexual

relationship with the president and begged Linda Tripp to join her in

lying about the relationship. I believe that any gifts,

correspondence, telephone calls and the 37 post-employment White

House visits that may have passed between Lewinsky and the president

are evidence only of a platonic relationship; such innocent, intimate

friendships are quite common between middle-aged married men and

young single women, and also between presidents of the United States

and White House interns.

 

I see nothing suspicious in the report that the president's intimate,

Vernon Jordan, arranged a $40,000-per-year job for Lewinsky shortly

after she signed but before she filed an affidavit saying she had

not had sex with the president. Nor do I read anything into the fact

that the ambassador to the United Nations, Bill Richardson, visited

Lewinsky at the Watergate to offer her a job. I believe the

instructions Lewinsky gave Tripp informing her on how to properly

perjure herself in the Willey matter simply wrote themselves.

 

I believe that The Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, The New

York Times, Newsweek, Time, U.S. News & World Report, ABC, CBS, NBC,

CNN, PBS and NPR are all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

Especially NPR.

 

Listen to the Doctor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts,

guess I should see a doctor."

 

His friend said, "Don't do that.  There's a computer at the drug

store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose

your problem and tell you what you can do about it.  And it only

costs $10.00."

 

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a

urine sample and went to the drug store.  Finding the computer, he

poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.  The computer started

making some noise and various lights started flashing.  After a brief

pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

 

You have tennis elbow.

 

Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

 

It will be better in two weeks.

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and

how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if

this computer could be fooled.

 

He decided to give it a try.  He mixed together some tap water, a

stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and

daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

 

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the

sample and deposited the $10.00.  The machine again made the usual

noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

 

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

 

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

 

Your daughter is using cocaine.  Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

 

Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours.  Get a

lawyer.

 

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get

better.

 

~~

 

There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.  Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages

to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.

 

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a  woman lying near him, unconscious, barely  breathing.  She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

 

Days and weeks go by.  Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven.  Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

 

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in  love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

 

He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?"

 

"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

 

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

 

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

 

"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

 

"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.

 

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

 

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

 

 

McDonald's & Condom's 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Top Ten McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in the Big Mac:

 

10.)  We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."

 

9.)  Condom, condiment...What's the difference?

 

8.)  It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.

 

7.)  It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.

 

6.)  Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

 

5.)  We're experimenting with a new, even happier Happy Meal.

 

4.)  So what?  A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway!

 

3.)  Employees too embarrassed to ask, "Would you like condoms with that?"

 

2.)  Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "Prophylactic device."

 

And the number one McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:

 

1.)  When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too

careful.

 

 

The Advisor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been

informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

 

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the

big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"

 

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped

up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was

after that I was told if they ever wanted my f**king advice, they'd

let me know."

 

 

Cow Pasture

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off

the tee he hooked into a cow pasture.  He advised his friends to play

through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.  They followed the

plan and waited for their friend.

 

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly

beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

 

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find

his ball.  He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.  He

went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.

It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his. 

 

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost

golf ball.  The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked,

"Does this look like yours?" and that was the last thing he could

remember.

 

 

Small Town Idaho

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

You Know You're Born and Raised in Small-Town Idaho When. . .

 

During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.

 

You are related to more than half the town.

 

You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.

 

Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before you do.

 

Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.

 

You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.

 

You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.

 

There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.

 

The local gas station sells live bait.

 

You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.

 

You get up at 5:30 am and go down to the coffee shop.

 

You're on a first name basis with the county sheriff.

 

When little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.

 

You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.

 

All your radio-preset buttons are country.

 

You try to find the cheapest room rates when going out of town.

 

Using the elevator involves a grain truck.

 

Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.

 

You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

 

You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.

 

Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.

 

You know cow pies aren't made of beef.

 

You wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's still light.

 

You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.

 

You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.

 

Your nearest neighbor is in the next area code.

 

You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.

 

You know the code names for everyone on the CB.

 

You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.

 

You wear your boots to church.

 

It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town.

 

You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feedlot apart.

 

The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.

 

You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.

 

Your main drag in town is two blocks long.

 

You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is 20 miles away.

 

 

 

Male Vocabulary

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

 Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

 

"Haven't I seen you before?"

== "Nice ass."

 

"I'm a Romantic."

== "I'm poor."

 

"I need you"

== "My hand is tired."

 

"I am different from all the other guys"

== "I am not circumcised."

 

"I want a commitment."

== "I'm sick of masturbation."

 

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"

== "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

 

"I really want to get to know you better."

== "So I can tell my friends about it."

 

"It's just orange juice, try it."

== "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

 

"She's kinda cute."

== "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."

 

"I don't know if I like her"

== "She won't sleep with me."

 

"I miss you so much"

== "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

 

"Was it good for you?"

== "I'm insecure about my manhood."

 

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"

== "Is my penis really that small?"

 

"I had a wonderful time last night."

== "Who the hell are you?"

 

"Do you love me?"

== "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

 

"Do you 'really' love me?"

== "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

 

"How much do you love me?"

== "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you bye now."

 

"I have something to tell you."

== "Get tested."

 

"I'll give you a call."

== "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

 

"I've been thinking a lot."

== "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

 

"I think we should just be friends."

== "You're ugly."

 

"I've learned a lot from you."

== "Next!!!!"

 

 

Quick Thinking

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Morris was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the

railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview.

 

"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on

Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"

 

Morris quickly answered..... "Well, I'd call my brother."

 

The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "WHY would you call

 your brother???"

 

"He's never seen a train wreck before."

 

The Memo

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

To: All EMS Personnel

From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

 

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately.

Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

 

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from  MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

 

2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

 

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

 

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

 

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

 

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

 

7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

 

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

 

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

 

The Bride

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

 

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

 

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

 

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

 

"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

 

~~

 

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country  actually eat dogs.

 

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."  Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

 

"Two dogs, please," says one.  The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

 

The mother superior is first to open hers.  She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

~~

 

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

 

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

 

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident."

 

"I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.  I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

 

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

 

~~

 

Two Perverts

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases

it over  onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and

opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the

rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and

begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching

drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of

this highway occurs.

 

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly

enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling,

"What the hell is going on here?"   

 

"My car broke down,"  says the lady, calmly.  

 

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" Screams the cop.

 

"Those are my emergency flashers!"  she replied!

 

 

Training Yourself

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs."

 

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex.

 

2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.

 

3. Can't hail a cab. - impotent.

 

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - prefers virgins.

 

5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. - Is a virgin.

 

6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. – Compulsive Don Juan.

 

7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. - Compulsive Don Quixote.

 

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. - Compulsive Don Ho.

 

9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - will swallow.

 

10. Wants to go to a deli. - Won't swallow.

 

11. Uses Sweet n' Low. - Wearing falsies.

 

12. Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

 

13. Orders salad dressing on the side. - Will give you a hand job but will not go "all the way."

 

14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.

 

15. Asks for extra rolls. - Will say she's using birth control when

she's not, will get pregnant and sue.

 

16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will

have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didnn't.

 

17. Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.

 

18. Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.

 

19. Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.

 

20. Doesn't finish everything on plate. - Has already come.

 

21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. - Will make you

sleep on wet spot.

 

22. Changes mind after ordering. - Will never call you.

 

23. Changes tables. - Nymphomaniac.

 

24. Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms (female).

 

25. Orders in French. - Fakes orgasms (male).

 

26. Sends food back. - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends,

then try to borrow money.

 

27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk

dirty during sex.

 

28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. - Wants a hand job.

 

29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. - Castrating bitch.

 

30. Wants to split dessert. - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.

 

31. Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.

 

32. Under tips waiter. - Small penis.

 

33. Under tips parking valet. - Small penis.

 

34. Under tips cabby. - Small penis.

 

35. Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

 

36. Removable cassette player in car. - Pulls out repeatedly during sex.

 

37.  Cellular phone in car.- Penile implant.

 

 

Sexually Active

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

 

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

 

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

 

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of  "denture-burn."

 

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

 

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

 

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

 

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

 

3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the

May issue of Hustler.

 

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

 

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

 

~~

 

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing

the one that will get you home earlier.

 

~~

 

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

 

"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."

 

While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and

spat in it.

 

The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

 

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

 

 

Quick Humor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I was sitting on the sofa with my teenage son, discussing his day at school.  "Mom, he said, "there's going to be a dance at the school this Friday and it's going to be formal. Could I get a new pair of sneakers?"

 

---------------

 

I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair

permed, cut and styled.  Relieved to be done, I went up to the

receptionist to pay.  "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully.  "And

who's your appointment with today?"

 

----------------

 

License plate on a Swedish sports car spotted in an upscale

Connecticut neighborhood,  "SNAAB."

 

----------------

 

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some

pounds that she had put on recently. "Good," I exclaimed. "I'm ready

to start a diet too!  We can be dieting buddies and help each other

out.  When I get the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries,

I'll call you first."   

 

"Great,"  she replied.  "I'll ride with you."

 

 

 

Here We Go!!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Why did they cancel the MSU Christmas party? They couldn't find

three wise men or a virgin.

 

How do you keep a Spartan out of your yard? Put up a goal post!

 

How many MSU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? Zero, it

is a sophomore course.

 

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep, did you ever hear the

one about the Michigan State Spartans?" Four huge men stand up and

approach the man. One of them says, "We play football at MSU, you

wanna tell that joke to us?" The guy replies, "What? And have to

explain it four times?"

 

What are the toughest 6 years in a Spartan's life? 3rd grade.

 

How many Michigan State Spartans does it take to change a light

bulb? One, but he gets three credits for it!

 

How many Spartans does it take to eat an armadillo? Three---one to

eat, while two watch for cars.

 

What's the best thing to come out of Lansing? Interstate 69

 

Did you hear about the Spartan who was convinced that her husband

was cheating on her? because none of the children looked like him!

 

If you have a car containing a Spartan wide receiver, a Spartan

linebacker, and a Spartan defensive back, who is driving the car?

 

A cop.

 

Raunchy Job Interview

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Subject: Job Applicant At The Post Office

 

A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job.

 

The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?"

 

The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam."

 

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you

have any service related disabilities?"

 

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an

explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it

doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

 

"Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I

can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on

in about 10:00 and we'll get you started."

 

The guy says "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you

want me to come at 10:00?"

 

"Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around

and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here

for that!"

 

~~

 

There was this drunk staggering down the street.  He fell over a fire hydrant, landed in the gutter, picked himself up and reeled into a near by church.  He stumbled into the vestibule, knocked over a statue of St Anthony, then went

into a confessional.

 

A Priest hearing the commotion stood in the doorway and watched all of the activity.  When he saw the poor man go  into the confessional, he thought this was a good time to help the poor soul.

 

So he entered the other side and opened the little window into the drunk's side and asked, "How may I help you my good man?"

 

With that the drunk asked, "Is there any paper on your side?"

 

 

Watch The Birdie

-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-

 

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife, Tracy.

 

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I

couldn't see where the ball went."

 

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why

don't you take my brother, Scott, along?" "But he's eighty-five and

doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got

perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

 

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the

ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?"

asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered.. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack,

peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

 

 

 

A Lot of Talking

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment

overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees

an old Jewish man praying vigorously.  So the journalist goes down

and introduces herself to the old man.

 

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done

that and what are you praying for?"

 

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25

years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the

brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and

pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

 

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come

here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

 

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

 

 

Hold This

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A lady is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat

herself to a meal at the Ritz.  She manages to get a table that very

night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too

extravagant but nice all the same.

 

The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total:

150 bucks!  She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would

you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?"

 

The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's

never been asked that before, but always eager to please the

customer, he obliges.

 

She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed.

 

His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at

the door, "I'm sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you

asked me to do that just now."

 

"Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my breasts

held when I'm being screwed!!!"

 

Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they getup in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Because they can.

Q: Why are the sex organs of an elephant in his feet?

A: Because if he steps on you, you are royally fucked.

Q: Why did Mahtama Gandhi never wore an underwear?

A: He believed in freedom movement?

Q: Why India has never had a female President?

A: What would you call her - Rashtra(patni)?

Q: Which is the most popular four lettered word used in a whore house?

A: Naw.......it's NEXT.

Q: What is the difference between a girl in a bathroom and a girl in a

church?

A: The girl in the church has her soul full of hope and the girl in the

bathroom has her hole full of soap.

Q: What is the difference between a ship and a girl?

A: A ship cuts through the water and a girl waters through the cut

Q: What is the difference between a girl and a bike?

A: A bike you kick it and use it. A girl you use it and kick it.

Q: Why is sex so popular?

A: It is so centrally located.

Q: What is the similarity between a girl and an oven?

A: You heat them before use.

Q: Define a girl in cricket language?

A: No cover, No extra cover, a deep gully  between two fine legs.

Q: Difference between men and women cricket?

A: In men's cricket there is a short leg between two long legs while in

women's cricket there is a deep gully between two fine legs.

Q: Define a Bra?

A: Under shoulder boulder holder.

Q: Define Bra?

A: A modern device used for the upliftment of the downfallen ones.

Q: What do you call a parsi test tube baby ?

A: Battliboi

Q: What do you call a parsi pimp?

A: Naari Contractor

Q: What do you call prostitutes in Pakistan ?

A: La-whore

Q: What do you call two nuts on the ground?

A: Ground Nuts.

Q   What do you call two nuts on the chest?

A   Chest Nuts.

Q   What do you call two nuts on the chin?

A   A BLOW JOB.

 

 

Say What?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I heard this story from a grade school counselor.  She phoned one of

her parents one day to inform them of parent teacher conferences

coming up soon.  A small child answered the phone. The counselor

asked if her mother or father were there.  The child said her mother

was gone and her father was in the bathroom washing his balls.  She

immediately said good-bye and hung up. 

 

Within a few minutes she received a frantic phone call from the

father.  He informed her he was a coach and was in the bathroom

washing soccer balls for the next game.

 

 

The Bum

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

 

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

 

The bum said, "No."

 

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

 

The bum said, "No."

 

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see

what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."

 

 

A Long Night

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has

told him he has only 24 hours to live.

 

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she

agrees, & they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to

his wife & says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, &

they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his

watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

 

He touches his wife's shoulder, & asks, "Honey, please . . . just one

more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," & they make

love for the third time.

 

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. The man,

however,  worried about his impending death, tosses & turns, until

he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey,

I have only 4 more hours.   Do you think we could . . . ."

 

At this point the wife sits up & says, "Listen, I have to get up in

the morning.   You don't!"

 

~~

 

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after

feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

 

~~

 

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildos h-here ?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

 

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."

 

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

 

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of them does."

 

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

 

 

Letter to ex-lover

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I hope you lose your rabbits foot,

And all the pennies that you put

in piggy banks.  May someone swipe

your armchair and your favorite pipe.

 

I wish you many a broken date,

thinning hair, a gain in weight.

Missed connections, restless slumbers,

hangnails, buttons dangling, numbers

never answering when you phone.

I hope you bump your funny bone.

 

And if perchance you should get sick, it's

worry some.  May parking tickets

plague you and your boss be mean.

I hope your tricked on Halloween.

 

And when your life's all out of whack,

perhaps you'll see you need me back.

For soothing things that you can't cope with,

that's what I keep up my hopes with.

 

 

Eye Examination

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.

 

The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

 

Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?

 

Girl: No

 

Doctor: Can you read the center line?

 

Girl: No

 

Doctor: Can you read the large top line?

 

Girl: No

 

Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?

 

Girl: No

 

The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of his

pants.

 

Doctor: Can you see this?

 

Girl: Of course!

 

Doctor: Well, there's your problem -- you're cock-eyed!

 

~~

 

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered

small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a

long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000

years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

 

Naturally, the British government was not that easily

impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even

deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass,

and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years

ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

 

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200

meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

 

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had

cellular telephones.

 

~~

 

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and

sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  But every once in a

while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure

him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first

doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't

be the last."

 

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to

reality. "Howard, You're a veterinarian."

 

It's Wednesday, and you're looking for a date in the

"Personals" for this weekend.  We at the AutoJoker decided

to present this information as a public service:

 

If a woman says ____ She means ____

 

40-ish_______________________49

Adventurer___Has had more partners than you ever will.

Athletic________________Flat-chested.

Average looking_____________Ugly.

Beautiful______________Pathological liar.

Contagious Smile______Bring your penicillin.

Educated_______________College drop-out.

Emotionally secure________Medicated.

Feminist_______________Fat; ball buster.

Free spirit_____________Substance user.

Friendship first__Trying to live down reputation as a slut.

Fun________________________Annoying.

Gentle_____________________Comatose.

Good Listener_________Borderline autistic.

New-Age__________All body hair, all the time.

Old-Fashioned___Lights out, missionary position only.

Open-minded________________Desperate.

Outgoing_____________________Loud.

Passionate___________________Loud.

Poet________________Depressive Schizophrenic.

Professional______________Real Witch.

Redhead__________Shops the Clairol section.

Reubenesque______________Grossly fat.

Romantic_________Looks better by candle light.

Voluptuous_________________Very fat.

Weight proportional to height___Tall and fat.

Wants Soulmate____One step away from stalking.

Widow____________Nagged first husband to death.

Young at heart__________Toothless granny.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

If a man says___ He means___

 

40-ish_____________55 and looking for a 25 year old.

Athletic__________Sits on the couch and watches ESPN.

Average looking___Unusual hair growth on ears,nose, and back.

Educated___________Will always treat you like an idiot.

Free Spirit_____Will sleep with your sister, friends, pets...

Friendship first____As long as friendship involves nudity.

Fun_________________Good with a remote and a six pack.

Good looking____________________Arrogant.

Honest_____________________Pathological liar.

Huggable_________Overweight, more body hair than a bear.

Like to cuddle_________Insecure, overly dependent.

Mature_________________Until you get to know him

Open-minded______Wants to also sleep with your sister.

Physically fit__Spends a lot of time in admiring himself.

Poet________________Has written on a bathroom stall.

Spiritual_______Once went to church with his grandmother.

Stable___________Occasional stalker, but never arrested.

Thoughtful________Says "please" when demanding a beer.

 

 

Showman all the Way

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new

territory.  He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a

chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over

the carpet.

 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up

that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned

on yet. Do you want tomato sauce on that or would you prefer mustard?"

 

 

German Lesson #7

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dog:                              Barken-panten-sniffer

Dog Catcher:                 Barken-panten-sniffer-snatcher

Dog Catcher's Truck:    Barken-panten-sniffer-snatcher-wagen

Garage for Truck:          Barken-panten-sniffen-snatcher-wagen-haus

Truck Repairman:         Barken-panten-sniffen-snatcher-wagen-

                                      mechanik-er-werker

Mechanic's Union:        Barken-panten-sniffen-snatcher-wagen-

                                      mechanik-er-werker-feather-

                                      bedden-ge-fixen-gruppe

 

Doctor:                         Chester-ge-thumpenpulsentooker

Nurse:                           Chester-ge-thumpen-pulsen-tooker-

                                      helper

Hypodermic Needle:    Chester-ge-thumpen-pulsen-tooker-              

                                     helper-hurten-sticker

Backside:                      Chester-ge-thumpen-pulsen-tooker-     

                                     helper-hurten-sticker-stabben-

                                     placer

 

 

Piano:                           Plinken-planken-plunken-box

Pianist:                         Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-

                                     pounder

Piano Stool:                  Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder-

                                     spinnen-seat

Piano Recital:               Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder- 

                                     offen-ge-showen-spelle

Fathers at the Recital:  Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder-     

                                     offen-ge-showen-spellen-snoozen-

                                     gruppe

Mothers at the Recital: Plinken-planken-plunken-box-ge-pounder-      

                                     offen-ge-showen-spellen-snoozen-

                                     gruppen-uppen-wakers

 

 

Automobile:            Honken-braken-screecher

Gasoline:                 Honken-braken-screecher-zoomer-juicen

Driver:                     Honken-braken-screecher-guiden-schtunker

Auto Mechanic:      Honken-braken-screecher-knocken-ge-pinger-

                                sputter-gefixer

Repair Bill:              Banken-roller-gebusten-up-totten-liste

 

 

Collateral Holdings

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a

downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of

$5,000.  The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.  "Well,

then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said.  The loan

officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground

parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

 

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to

settle up his loan and get his car back.  "That will be $5,000 in

principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said.  The man

wrote out a check and started to walk away.

 

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that

you are a millionaire.  Why in the world would you need to borrow

$5,000?"

 

The man smiled.  "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan

for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

 

~~

 

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. 

Before getting there, the girl said, "I have a confession

to make; the reason that we haven't been too intimate is

because of my extremely flat chest.  If you want to cancel

the wedding, it's OK with me."

 

The guy thought about if for a while, and said that he

didn't mind that she was flat, and that sex isn't the

most important thing in a marriage.

 

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl

and said, "I also have a confession; below my waist, it's

just like a baby. If you want to cancel the wedding, it's

OK with me."

 

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she

did not mind, and she also believed that there are other

things far more important than sex in a marriage.

 

They were happy about their honesty with each other.  They

went on to Vegas and got married.  On their wedding night,

the girl took off her clothes; she was as flat as a

washboard.

 

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the

guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

 

After she regained consciousness, the guy asked: "I told

you before we got married, why did you still faint?"

 

The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby."

 

The guy replied, "Yes, eight pounds, twenty-one inches."

 

~~

 

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-the good

news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

 

~~

 

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and

buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

 

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue

you a warning.  You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

 

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

 

That's fine.  Another thing, ma'am.  I don't like the way

that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one

of his testicles.  I consider that animal abuse.  That's

cruelty to animals.  Have your husband take care of that

right away!

 

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about

her encounter with the cop.  Well, dear, what exactly did

he say?

 

He said the reflector is broken.

 

I can fix that in two minutes.  What else?

 

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

 

~~

 

Things We Have Learned From Movies

 

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well

within the price range of most people whether they are

employed or not.

  

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

  

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which

wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

   

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override

the communications system of any invading alien society.

  

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a

fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently

to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening

manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

  

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in

your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly

bluish.

  

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become

a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

  

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally

gunned down three days before their retirement.

  

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to

kill their archenemies using complicated machinery

involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers,

and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at

least 20 minutes to escape.

  

10.During all police investigations, it will be necessary

to visit a strip club at least once.

  

11.All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach

up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level

on the man lying beside her.

  

12.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick

of French bread.

  

13.It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is

someone in the control tower to talk you down.

  

14.Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while

scuba diving.

  

15.You're very likely to survive any battle in any war

unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of

your sweetheart back home.

  

16.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or

Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the

language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to

be an English accent for the German.)

  

17.The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

  

18.A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious

beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his

wounds.

  

19.If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be

thrown through it before long.

  

20.If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate

any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

  

21.Word processors never display a cursor on screen but

will always say: Enter Password Now.

  

22.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it

is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from

left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any

surface, at any speed.

  

23.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with

large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going

to go off.

  

24.A detective can only solve a case once he has been

suspended from duty.

  

25.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone

you meet will know all the steps.

  

26.Police departments give their officers personality tests

to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who

is their total opposite.

  

27.When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer

to speak to each other in English.

 

 

Something Terrible

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv:

 

"My wife's two hours late. She's probably been kidnapped, or in a

terrible auto accident, .....or she's shopping.  OY !  I hope she's

not shopping !"

 

 

Flipping Finger

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable

thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a

red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that

wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the

windshield wiper.

 

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck

on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the

windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

 

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it

slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it

didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but

the car behind me was a police car.

 

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was

forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what

had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears.

He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me

the bird.

 

Success in Life

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of

achievement change as we go through life.  While everyone has

different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks

for what success is.  Really it all depends on your age.  Consider

the following:

 

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants

 

At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"

 

At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

 

At age 35, success is about career and family

 

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings

 

At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"

 

At age 90, success is not peeing your pants!

 

 

Semester Burn Out

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

You know you have serious symptoms of semester burnout when...

 

1. Your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the

cookie monster song (C is for cookie, that's good enough for me...)

 

2. You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% on

the final to pass than you have actually spent studying.

 

3. You are swamped with homework and spend your time making up

a list like this.

 

4. You start showering after class rather than before.

 

5. The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.

 

6. The campus drunk tells you should study more.

 

7. Your favorite paperweight says "Sierra Nevada - Pale Ale"

 

8. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you to make it through

Monday.

 

9. Your absence exceeds your attendance.

 

10. Your study schedule is based on the rationale that you

"might" actually die before the test.

 

~~

 

In the rest room an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were

standing side-by-side using the urinal.

 

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and

literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows.  He

used about 20 paper towels before he finished.  He turned

to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the

University of Michigan, we were taught to be clean."

 

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of

his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented,  "I

graduated from USC California and they taught us to be

environmentally conscious."

 

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said,

"I graduated from the University of Wyoming, and they taught

us not to pee on our hands."

 

~~

 

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she

tells each one of them to write back about their marriage

life.  To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands

by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and

daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a

"code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

 

The first one gets married and the second day the letter

arrives with a single message, simply:  "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE"

 

Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House

advertisement, and it says:

 

"Satisfaction to the last drop..."  So, Mother is happy.

 

Then the second daughter gets married.  After a week, there

was a message that reads:  "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the

Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says:

 

"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mother is happy.

 

Then it was the third one's wedding.  Mother was anxious.

After four weeks came the message:

 

"BRITISH AIRWAYS"

 

And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time

she fainted.  The ad reads:

 

"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

 

Fatherly Advice

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad!

Mom!  I have some great news for you!  I am getting married to the

most beautiful girl in town.  She lives a block away and her name is

Susan.

 

After dinner, William's dad took him aside.  "Son, I have to talk

with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.  She's a

wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the

bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.  Susan is

actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

 

William was heart-broken.  After eight months he eventually started

dating girls again.  A year later he came home and very proudly

announced, "Dianne said yes!  We're getting married in June."

 

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke

the sad news.  "Dianne is your half-sister too, William.  I'm awfully

sorry about this."

 

William was furious!  He finally decided to go to his mother with the

news.

 

"Dad has done so much harm.  I guess I'm never going to get married,"

he complained.  "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is

my half-sister."

 

His mother just shook her head.  "Don't pay any attention to what he

says, dear.  He's not really your father!"

 

 

Mixed Bag

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to

every man.  Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

 

************************************************************

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at forty.  But everything else starts

to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

 

************************************************************

 

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just as

long as you don't have to go along.

 

************************************************************

 

What is the difference between ooooh and aaaaaaaaahhh?

About 3 inches.

 

************************************************************

 

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to

improving their minds?

A. Because . . . A lot of men are stupid, but very few are blind.

 

************************************************************

 

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Shit!"

Bad Skydiver: "Shit!!" "Whack!!"

 

 

 

The Cynic's Guide To Life

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1. Follow your dream!  Unless it's the one where you're at work in

your underwear during a fire drill.

 

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later,

you'll inhale a bee.

 

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of

me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either, just leave

me alone.

 

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.  Just take

another road. That's why the highway department made so many of

them.

 

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing

gets the message across like a good mooning.

 

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.   It makes the

neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

 

7. It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal

the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.

That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it

and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

 

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food

groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group

and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is."

 

10. Into every life some rain must fall.  Usually when your car

windows are down.

 

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on

the neighbor's car!

 

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to

remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an

Indian burn.

 

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a

blanket.  That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay

over.

 

14. It's a small world.  So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

 

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel,

it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

 

16. This land is your land.  This land is my land.  So stay on your

land.

 

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to

get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.

 

 

~~

 

What Has Four Legs And An Arm?   A Happy Pit Bull

 

~~

 

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll with their dogs.

One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.

 

As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman

said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get

something to drink."

 

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.

We've got dogs with us."

 

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

 

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman

put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

 

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets

allowed."

 

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.

This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

 

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pincher ?"

 

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're

very good."

 

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

 

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck',

so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to

walk in.

 

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets

allowed."

 

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand.

This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

 

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"

 

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua ?.......

They gave me a Chihuahua ??"

 

Slow Down!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There's this guy riding in the back of a taxi. He suddenly notices

that his driver is not even slowing down for the upcoming red light,

and together they speed straight through the busy intersection, on

red.

 

"Hey, you just ran a red light!" the passenger shouts nervously.

"Relax, man, my brother does it all the time," is the cabby's laid

back response.

 

A minute later, the driver does the same thing again, right through

another major intersection. "You did it again!!" the passenger cries

in fear. "Man, would ya' quit worrying? I'm telling you, my brother

does it all the time."

 

A block further on, the same story. Another major intersection

passes like a blur as the cab goes speeding through the red light.

The passenger is growing frantic by now. "You just ran three red

lights in a row without even slowing down!!!" he whines, now white as

a ghost. "Look man, would you just relax? I'm telling you, it's cool.

My brother does it all the time."

 

But just as these words are leaving his lips, the cabby begins

slowing to a stop. By now the passenger is truly confused, since

the light just ahead is bright green. "The light's green, so why on

earth are we stopping now?" moans the passenger, exasperated. "Oh,

this is the part of town where my brother lives." replies the

cabby.

 

 

Real Answers

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given

by the California Department of Transportation's driving school

(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

 

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

 

 

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop

at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker

saying, "Guns don't kill people, I do."

 

 

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

 

 

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

 

 

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk

driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

 

 

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer

drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

 

 

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if he/she is cute.

 

 

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a

flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

 

 

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

 

 

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

 

 

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.

 

Infatuation

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I think I'm hung up

on women's breasts." The psychiatrist says, "We'll see. I'll give

you a quick word-association test. I'll say something, and then you

say the first thing that comes into your mind."

 

The doctor says, "2 Egg." The guy says, "Boobs." The doctor says,

"Orange." The guy says, "Hooters." The doctor says, "Grapefruit."

The guy says, "Jugs." The doctor says, "Windshield wipers." The guy

says, "Knockers."

 

The psychiatrist says, "It's very obvious you have a problem. I

mean, I can understand the egg, an orange, or even a grapefruit, but

why would windshield wipers make you think of breasts?"

 

The guy says, "Are you kidding, Doc? First this one, then that one,

then this one, then that one. . ."

 

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

 

~~

 

Memo: To All Employees

Subject: Increased Productivity

 

Management has determined that there is no longer

any need for network or software applications support.

(See below)

 

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop

by December 31, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided

with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons

for doing this:

 

1. No Y2K problems

 

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

 

3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.

 

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support :

 

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines

all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I set the background and foreground

to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting

my Etch-A- Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't pick it up or shake it.

 

Short Ones

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

When the wealthy woman entered heaven, she was given a bicycle to

ride. Pedaling along, she saw her maid go by in a Cadillac.  Her

gardener went by in a Rolls Royce.  Very upset, she went to the

proper authority and asked why her maid and gardener had more

luxurious transportation than she did.  She was told, "The kind of

transportation you are assigned in heaven depends on how good a

Christian you were on earth." 

 

Later she returned to the authority laughing.  "What's so funny?"

she was asked.  "Yesterday I saw my pastor going by on a pair of

roller skates!"

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

These two women were riding in a car and one of them kept clearing

her throat.  Finally, she says, "I don't know what's wrong with me.

I must have a frog in my throat."

 

The other woman says, "Well don't swallow it.  They're fattening."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

This woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her

recent trip to Spokane, Washington.  Her friend asked her how she

liked Spokane.

 

She answered, "I don't know, I never got there."  So the friend

says, "You never got there... what do you mean?"  She answers, "You

know me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'clean

bathrooms', well. . . it takes longer that you think!"

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

This young boy asks his grandmother how old she is.  She answers, 'You

aren't supposed to ask a lady that."  So the boy says, "Well then, how

much do you weigh?"  The grandmother says, "You aren't supposed to ask

a lady that either.  Go get the candy out of my purse and then go

outside to play."

 

A little while later, the boy comes back and tells her, "Grandma, I

know how old you are and how much you weigh, 'cause I found your

driver's license.  And Grandma. . . you got an F  in sex!"

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.  I

went horseback riding.  Everything was going fine until the horse

starts bouncing out of control.  I tried with all my might to hang on,

but was thrown off.  Just when things could not possibly get worse, my

foot gets caught in the stirrup.  When this happened, I fell head

first to the ground.  My head continued to bounce harder as the horse

did not stop or even slow down.  Just as I was giving up hope and

losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A man and a doctor:  The doctor says, "There are two divergent

opinions on how best to treat you.  I'm convinced you need a triple

bypass.  Your HMO says all you need to do is rub this $14 tube of

salve on your chest."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The highway patrolman sported a car driving dangerously slow on a

much-traveled freeway.  He pulled it over and found the driver to be

an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers.

 

"Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as

speeders.  You need to try to keep the speed limit."  "But I always

keep the speed limit," replied the lady.  "I was doing the speed limit

when you stopped me."  The officer asked, "What do you think the limit

is on this road?"  The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw

the sign, U.S. High-way 22."  "But lady," warned the officer, "that is

the highway number, not the speed limit" The lady was very apologetic

and, of course, no ticket was given.  The officer noticed that all the

passengers seemed pale and had a frightened look in their eyes.  As he

turned to leave the car, wondering if his presence had been the

problem, he turned again and said to the driver, "Lady, are you sure

all your passengers are OK?"

 

"Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned off

Highway 120."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Two women talking,  I've given up looking for the ideal man.  Now I'm

looking for a husband.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A man and a doctor,  The doctor says, "Why yes, I recommended your

wife be sexually active at her age - but I assumed she meant with

you!"

 

 

Top Ten Courses at MSU

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

10. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?

 

9. Pre-law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States

 

8. Sandwich Making: A Project Course

 

7. Hand-Shadow Workshop

 

6. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend

 

5. Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics

 

4. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg

 

3. The College Classroom: A Simulation

 

2. ABC's: An Extended Version

 

1.  Your Ass from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study

 

 

WARNING - THIS JOKE HAS FOUL LANGUAGE - WARNING<

 

Three Duffers

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three duffers were taking lessons from a pro. 

 

The first hit it way to the right.

 

The pro said,  "It's due to LOFT."

 

The second hit way to the left.

 

The pro again said, "It's due to LOFT."

 

The third trying and the ball just went a few feet and stopped.

 

The pro said,  "LOFT."

 

All three questioned the pro about LOFT

 

He replied, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."

 

 

Who's Calling?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.

 

"Watt."

"What is your name, please?"

"Watt's my name."

 

"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"

 

"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

 

A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"

 

"No, this is Knott."

 

"Please tell me your name."

 

"Will Knott."

 

Whereupon they both hung up.

 

 

Brother John

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest

said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as

long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do

so."

 

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief

Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now,

you may speak two words."

 

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a

better bed."

 

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may

say another two words Brother John."

 

"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him

that the food would be better in the future.

 

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again

called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

 

"I Quit," said Brother John.

 

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done

since you got here is complain."

 

~~

 

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Redneck are in a bar. They

are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice

place.

 

Then the Irishman says,"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where

I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.  At

MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and

MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

 

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

 

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where

I come from, there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn, there's

this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys

you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

 

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

 

Then the Redneck says, "You think that's great? Where I come

from, there's this place, Bubba's. At Bubba's, they buy you

your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy

you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back

and get you laid!"

 

"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic!  Did that

actually happen to you?"

 

"No," replied the Redneck, "but it happened to my sister!

 

 

 

My Son's

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Laquisha went into the welfare office so she could receive money for

her children. The social worker says, "Ma'am I need you to fill out

this form and list each of your children separately on these lines."

Laquisha agrees and returns the next day with her paper work, each

line filled out. The social worker looks at her form puzzled and

says, "Ma'am, I don't think you understood, I needed you to put a

different child on each line." Laquisha responds, "Yes, I did."

 

"Well, ma'am," says the social worker, "every line says 'Leroy.'"

 

"Yes," says Laquisha, "all my children have the same name."

 

"Well what if you want them to come in for dinner?"

 

"I just yell 'Leroy!' out the window and the all come in."

 

"Well, what if you only want one of them?"

 

"That's simple, I just call them by their last name."

 

 

Won Liners

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

- Dyslexics have more fnu

 

- Clones are people, two

 

- Entropy isn't what it used to be

 

- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

 

- Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

 

- Eschew obfuscation

 

- Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs

 

- 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

 

- A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese

 

- A waist is a terrible thing to mind

 

- Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

 

- Anything free is worth what you pay for it

 

- Atheism is a non-prophet organization

 

- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

 

- COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

 

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

- Editing is a rewording activity

 

- Everyone is entitled to my opinion

 

- Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool!

 

- Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

 

- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

 

- My reality check just bounced

 

- Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

 

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

- Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

 

- No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

 

- Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo!

 

- IRS  - Be audit you can be!

 

 

Cucumber Pleasures

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The average cucumber is at least six inches long

*  

Cucumbers stay hard for a week

*  

A cucumber won't tell you, "size doesn't matter"

*  

Cucumbers don't get "too" excited

*  

A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety

*  

Cucumbers are easy to pick up

*  

You can eat a cucumber when you feel like

*  

A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin

*  

Cucumbers won't ask, "Am I the best?  How was it?"

*  

No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber

*  

A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache

*  

With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry

*  

A cucumber will never leave you for another woman

*  

You always know where your cucumber has been

*  

Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month

*  

It's easy to drop a cucumber

*  

No matter how to slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too!

 

~~

 

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.  "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

 

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.  "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.

 

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.  Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"

 

~~

 

The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa Singh "Santa Darling if we get  engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?"

 

   -------------------------------------------------

 

Once Santa Singh, the psychiatrist, met a friend and exclaimed, 

"I heard you are dead."

"But  you see I'm alive," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said Santa Singh. "The man who told me is much  more reliable than you."

 

  --------------------------------------------------------------

Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and  asked,  "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

"Yes, of  course," said the doctor, "why not!"

"Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy,

"I have been illiterate for so long."

 

  --------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of Drunken driving.

Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.

The  judge  pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

 

Santa immediately responded, "Thank you , your honour, I'll have  a scotch and soda."

 

  --------------------------------------------------------------=

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager   Santa Singh kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Santa Singh, Is this  what  I pay  you for?" Santa Singh coolly replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

 

  --------------------------------------------------------------

His wife phoned Banta Singh in the office and said: "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for  dinner." "Good" replied Banta Singh, "make sure she's prepared  well".

  --------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Jaswant singh went to a  grocery stores collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items.      Singh asked  " Where is the fat ?" The person didn't understand what Singh was saying and said  " Excuse me sir, FAT???"

Sardar : "Yes Fat, Give me the fat"

Sardar started shouting and arguing with the person and all   people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and  asked Sardar about the problem. Then sardar said "Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written FAT FREE' on that  but this guy is not giving me the fat.

 

  ------------------------------------------------------------

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock  Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the  Tower.  Sardarji  says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a  ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared.

Having waited   for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken.

On the next day the Sardarji is again  walking along the same  street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand  rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

 

  ----------------------------------------------------------------

   Sardarji is buying a TV.

   "Do you have color TVs?"

   "Sure."

   "Give me a green one, please."

  -----------------------------------------------------------------

   Two Sardarjis are in a railway station.

   "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" asks the first.

   "No," answers the RR man.

   "Can I?" asks the second Sardarji.

 

  ------------------------------------------------------------------

  This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the

  Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks

  him "kyon  sardarji, kya baat hai?

  Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.

  Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki

  cinema hai,  lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata

 

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street.  All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing  and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it  strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh Saab, aap ka koi sage wala  gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?"

....comes the reply,"Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi ki!!!

Aaj paheli bar ek sardar "brain" tumour se mara hai!!!"

 

~~

 

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the

Titanic? ... Half way.

 

~~

 

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball

game. During the game the guys notice the girl knows much

more about the game then they do, and are really impressed.

 

After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so

much about baseball?"

 

She replies, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

 

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when

they cut IT off?"

 

"That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 

"Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?"

 

"That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part."

 

"What was the most painful part?"

 

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half."

 

 

True Aging Process

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the

dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly notices that her mother has

several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her dark

brunette hair.

 

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of

your hairs white, Mom?"

 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and

make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and

then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

Victoria Secret

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:

 

10    Does this come in children's sizes?

 

09    No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

 

08    I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

 

07    Mom will love this.

 

06    Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

 

05    No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

 

04    Will you model this for me???

 

03    The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

 

02    45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!

 

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud

in Victoria's Secret:

 

01    Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!

 

 

The Nun

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver

won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he

replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend

you."

 

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old

as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see

and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you

could say or ask that I would find offensive."

 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

 

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you

have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm

Catholic too!"

 

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

 

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on

the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the

nun, "why are you crying?"

 

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm

married and I'm Jewish."

 

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a

Halloween party.

 

 

Advice From Men To Women

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

 

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't

mean we're not watching it.

 

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want

one.

 

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

 

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that

you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

 

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

 

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories

are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for

the punchline.

 

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave.

He's just not crying. Big difference!

 

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

 

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

 

When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?'  It would be much

appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

 

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp,

saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

 

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

 

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility.  It will be

slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

 

SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour.  This is an

excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk

to your sister.

 

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

 

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

 

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

 

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz

together!

 

 

Morris' Rules of Sex

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

 

~ Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

 

~ Never argue with a women when she's tired... or rested.

 

~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

 

~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

 

~ Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring, but don't say no.

 

~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

 

~ Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

 

~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

 

~ Anal sex can have positive results.

 

~ Take two at bedtime... especially if they're small.

 

~ Confusing the meaning of sexuality, bestiality, morality and 

reality...can really mess you up in a conservative community!

 

~ Original Sin is hard to find, but the digitally enhanced version is

   readily available.

 

 

God Knows

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and

don't  know how to get across.

 

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how

to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he

swims  across.

 

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God

turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows

across.

 

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all,

so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

 

~~

 

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra.

 

"Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"

 

"Braille," she replied.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife that reads:

 

"Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

 

When he arrived at the hotel there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows:

 

"Dear Husband, I, too, am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton with my handsome and virile 18 year old boytoy.  You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54

goes into 18."

 

~~

 

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked

as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.  One day the airport was

fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing

to do.

 

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says,

"Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a

buzz. You wanna try it?"

 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane

hooch and get completely smashed.

 

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good

he feels.  In fact he feels GREAT!  NO hangover!  NO bad side

effects.  Nothing!  Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

 

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

 

Bud says, "I feel great.  How about you?"

 

Jim says, "I feel great, too.  You don't have a hangover?"

 

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover,

nothing.  We ought to do this more often."

 

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

 

"What's that?"

 

"Have you farted yet?"

 

"No..."

 

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

 

 

Relative Living

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and

only a year to live.

 

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his

situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

 

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model

Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest

woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the

panhandle of Oklahoma.

 

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

 

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem

like forever."

 

 

At the Source

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.

The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm

him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only

bringing people babies and making them happy."

 

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.  Mother and son are

sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying

"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's

bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

 

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is

absent from the nest all night!  Shortly before dawn, he returns and

the parents ask him where he's been all night.

 

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just out frightening college

students!"

 

 

!!! Content Warning !!!

Proceed with care... but now you're really curious, huh?  :-

 

My Hero!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the

middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he

turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.

 

He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in

pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and

after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became

concerned and decided to go to the hospital. 

 

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with

her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date

said he could get the peanut out.

 

The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then pushed

two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow, really hard.

When the father blew, the peanut popped out. The mother and daughter

jumped and yelled with happiness.  The young man insisted that it was

nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for

something to eat.

 

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's

wonderful!  Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he

grows up?"

 

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our

son-in-law!"

 

 

Modern Lies

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail" and

"Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning," modern events have made

for modern lies to take their place among the classics.  Following

are some of the "new" classics:

 

- I never inhaled.

 

- I never watch television except for PBS.

 

- Don't worry -- we'll be putting out the Y2K upgrade next

  week.

 

- I did not have sex with that woman.

 

- I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of

   my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.

 

- The engine is supposed to make that noise.

 

- Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it.

 

- I am married, but we're getting a divorce.

 

- Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge

   is on "empty."

 

- Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.

 

- I've never done anything like this before.

 

- It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

 

- You get this one and I'll pay next time.

 

- Nothing would please me more.

 

- Trust me.

 

 

 

By The Sign

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Trick Or Treating. . .By The Sign

 

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

 

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

 

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

 

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

 

Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

 

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

 

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

 

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

 

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

 

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

 

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

 

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

 

 

Two Babies

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a

train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started

asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

 

The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."

 

The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"

 

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

 

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are

you?"

 

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman

and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."

 

 

Drivers

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Women drivers

 

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work

this morning on the Freeway, I look over to my left and there's this

woman in a Laser doing 120 kms per hour with her face up next to her

rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I look away for a couple

of seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane.

 

Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee!

 

And here's the other version...

 

 

Men Drivers

 

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic.   Driving to work

this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to

my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour

with his face up next to his rear view mirror....  shaving!!!

 

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, he's

halfway over in my lane.  Scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye

liner pencil in my coffee.

 

 

The Frog

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from

her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says,

"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long

vacation."

 

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to

borrow. The frog says $30,000.  The teller asks his name and the frog

says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that

it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and  

that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.   

She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure.  I have this,"  and produces a tiny pink

porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and

perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the

manager and disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and

says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to

know you and wants a loan.

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack,

Patti Whack.  Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

 

Ten Top Reasons

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:

 

10.  Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

 

9.   If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

 

8.   The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

 

7.   You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

 

6.  It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone

    else, because you ARE someone else.

 

5.   40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

 

4.   If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

 

3.   Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

 

2.   Less guilt the next morning.

 

AND....

 

1.   You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!

 

~~

 

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

 

~~

 

Dear Redneck Son;

 

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

 

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last Georgia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

 

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

 

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

 

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

 

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

 

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother...

 

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

 

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

 

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

 

Love, Mom

 

P.S.  I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

~~

 

The year is 2222 and Santa and Harnaam Kaur land on Mars after accumulating

enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

 

Santa asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

 

Finally, Santa brings up the subject of sex.  "Just how do you guys

do it?" asks Santa.

The Martian responds,  "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners

for the night and experience one another.

 

Harnaam Kaur and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian

strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member--about half an inch long

and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Harnaam.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's  just not long enough to reach me!"

 

"No problem," he says, and proceeds  to slap his forehead with his

palm. With each slap of  his  forehead, his member grows until it's

quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

 

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,

his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is

extremely exciting to the woman.

 

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate

love.

 

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their

separate ways.

As they walk along, Santa asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Harnaam, "but it was pretty wonderful.

"How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. . .

she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

~~

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby

delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had

invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of

the mother's labor pain to the father.  He asked if they

were willing to try it out. They were both very much in

favor of it.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters,

explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the

father had ever experienced before.   But, as the labor

progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to

go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted

the machine to 20% pain transfer.

 

The husband was still feeling fine.  The doctor checked

the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he

was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.  The

husband continued to feel quite well.  Since it was

obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband

encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic!

 

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

 

 

Wild Man

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a

terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He,

being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was

going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of

his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and

away he went.

 

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain,

and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much

as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she

would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when

she was not with him.

 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around

on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and

copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled

up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his

partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had

just arrived.

 

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her

husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and

she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little

bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went

home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind

of explanation he would make for his behavior.

 

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a

time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have

a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance

much?"

 

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got

there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the

den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you . . . the guy I

loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

 

 

Naughty Halloween

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Things I Heard On Halloween That Sounded Dirty But Weren't:

 

10. She's a goblin!

 

9.  I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

 

8.  Let me see your bag . . . .  OH!-You're having a great night!

 

7.  Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

 

6.  She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

 

5.  If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

 

4.  Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

 

3.  Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,

 

2.  You scared me stiff!

 

1.  He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

 

~~

 

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one

little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke

rings."

 

The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too,

and can blow smoke out of his eyes."

 

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad

can blow smoke out of his butt."

 

"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.

 

The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco

stains on his underwear....."

 

*********************************************************

 

  Top 10 things in golf that sound dirty but aren't:

 

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

 7. Look at the size of his putter

 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

 5. Mind if I join your threesome?

 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

 

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

 

 

 

Cow Costume

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man and his wife were going to a costume party at a rural mansion.

Just in sight of the mansion, the car broke down.  They decided to

walk.

 

Since the shortest distance was across a pasture and they were going

as a cow, they decided on the short cut.  About halfway across the

pasture, they ran into a bull who became very "interested."  The

husband, who was in the back, said, "What shall we do now?"

 

The wife, who was in front, said, "I'm going to put my head down and

make believe I'm eating grass.  You had better brace yourself."

 

 

Tee Hee Tee Hee

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1.  A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old

daughter: Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother:

"Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so

smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little three-year-old

looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

 

2.  The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in

class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28

and 44?"

 

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon

Network!"

 

3.  Organizers of the first "National Orgasm Week" held this year were

very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least

three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it.

 

4.  A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the

time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having

difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor

told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but

the leg became more swollen and more painful.

 

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but

I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for

swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly

subsided.

 

On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what

kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot

water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got

better." "Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my

maid said hot water."

 

5.  A college football lineman married one of the team's

cheerleaders. The coach said, "You're such a big guy - why did you

marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand."

 

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's a hell of a lot

better!"

 

 

Suitable Outfits

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having

trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and

stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back

completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.

 

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the

room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with

a potato around his penis.

 

The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied: "If

you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."

 

Typo

-=-=-=-=-

 

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a

shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of

the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming

from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man

with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

 

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You

scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you

doing working here so late at night?"

 

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

 

Emotionally Dressed

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One Halloween a lady invited all her neighbors to a costume party

where each person had to dress as an emotion.  She informed them all

that they would not be allowed in unless they were in proper attire.

 

Her guests started arriving promptly at 8:00 p.m.  One neighbor had

dressed in a beautiful red satin heart with stockings to match - she

was love.  Her husband was dressed in a green satin suit - he was

envy.  Another man had painted his entire body with fire-red paint.

He was dressed as rage. 

 

One by one her guests came to the party.  There was loneliness,

happiness, ecstasy, etc.  Finally, her last neighbor showed up.  He

was completely naked, with a pear on his manhood.  She was shocked.

She asked him what emotion he was and he replied, "I'm f------ dis'

pear!!!"

 

~~

 

SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY OF PRODUCT TERMINOLOGY

 

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

 

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

 

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

 

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

 

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

 

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

 

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

 

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

 

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

 

~~

 

Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he

had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to

his mind's desire. Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated.

He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something

about it. Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that

Ahmed could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to

Pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it.

Ahmed agreed. The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching

Lotion  and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon

The itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety.

Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva,

If applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added

that such a saliva was only in Ahmed's mouth.

Akbar summoned Ahmed and for the next 4 hours Ahmed violently sucked

The queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he

Always desired. Satisfied he returned back and metBirbal, but in his lust

 and since his mission was over he refused to pay Birbal anything and in

fact shooed him away.

Ahmed of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the

emperor since he was instrumental in it himself. What Ahmed did not

know  was what Birbal would do then nextday.....

 .."Birbal duly put that lotion in Emperor Akbar's underwear"

 

Life with Laughter

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

At 4:00 a.m., a weary traveler and his dog needed a place to sleep.

The potential patron, Henry, rang the night bell to the lobby of the

local motel where he'd sometimes stayed.  The sleepy desk clerk opened

the door, giving the large dog, Greta, a pat on the head. 

 

Henry asked if there was a room available on the first level where he

and his dog could stay the night.  The desk clerk looked in the

registry and found two such rooms fitting Henry's description. 

 

"We have two rooms available.  One of the rooms where we can accept

your pet has two queen beds and a sofa sleeper for $59.00 per night.

Then we have another room with a single queen bed and a sofa sleeper

for $49.00.  Will one of those work for you?"

 

Henry asked with a tone of curiosity, "Hmmm...  Maybe.  But do you have

anything with just the one bed?  See, my dog doesn't really need a

bed.  She usually just finds a nice spot to flop."

 

 

Selective Speaking

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An old lady tried in vain to teach her parrot to speak.  But for 20

years it uttered not a single word.  One day it squawked, "I can't eat

this cabbage. It's full of insects!"

 

"You can talk!" cried the woman.  "Why haven't you said anything for

20 years?  What inspired you to speak up today?"

 

"SQUAWK!  There hasn't been anything to complain about until today,"

the parrot replied.

 

 

The Rare Treasure

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Barbara, an antique collector, has developed an eye for rare

artifacts.  They seem to leap out at her, as one did that early foggy

Monday morning.  As she approached the intersection where she would

turn left, she slammed on the brakes to avoid crushing the beautiful

object. 

 

Were her eyes deceiving her?  How could this be?  Apparently not.

Lying right before her was a rare Tiki mask laying on its side, with

its eyes directed up toward her.  "Oh, the carvings of the wood were

beautiful," she gasped.

 

She quickly shoved the car in park and scurried out her door to rescue

her incredible treasure from certain destruction.   As she approached

the mask it morphed before her very eyes, her expectations and belief

fading with each step.  

 

Barbara knelt down to examine what had at first appeared to be an

incredibly detailed carving.  The rare carvings spelled out the

letters STOP on its rubbery background.  The wood was merely a rubber

square pinned to the pavement.  Barbara chuckled as she left her rare

treasure behind, smiling with the prospect that next passer-by in the

light of sunrise may make the same discovery.

 

~~

 

What Woman says:

 

"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry

right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."

 

What Man hears:

 

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, YOU AND I blah,blah,blah,blah

blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW blah,blah,

blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah....

 

~~

 

One day the sheriff spots Billy Bob walking around town

wearing nothing but his gun belt and boots. The sheriff

stops him and asks, "What the hell are you doing parading

around town dressed like that?"

 

Billy Bob replies, "Well Sheriff, it's a long story. See,

me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started

a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we

did. Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a-hugglin'

and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, all of a sudden,

Mary Lou up and took off all her clothes. Then she said I

should take off mine, too. So I done like she said and took

off all my clothes-except for my gun belt and my boots.

Mary Lou, breathing real heavy-like, lay on the ground with

her legs opened real wide-and then, for some strange reason,

she said something really weird!"

 

"Well," asked the sheriff, "what the hell did she say?"

 

"Billy Bob, go to town!"

 

 

 

The Lost Dr. Seuss Book

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I love my Job

I love my Job, I love the Pay!

I love it more and more each day.

I love my Boss; he's the best!

I love his boss and all the rest.

 

I love my Office and its location -

I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray,

and the paper that piles up every day!

 

I love my chair in my padded Cell!

There's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my Peers -

I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

 

I love my Computer and all its Software;

I hug it often though it doesn't care...

I love each Program and every File,

I try to understand once in a while!!

 

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;

I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.

I love this Work:  I love these Chores.

I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job - I'll say it again -

I even love these friendly Men -

 

These men who've come to visit today

In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

 

Montana/Idaho/Wyoming

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

You Know You're from Montana/Idaho/Wyoming when :

 

You only know four spices--salt, pepper, Ranch dressings and

ketchup.

 

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

 

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

 

You have more miles on your snow-blower than your car.

 

You have 10 favorite recipes for Elk meat.

 

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

 

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in

with snow.

 

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with

only 8 buttons.

 

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

 

The local paper covers national and international headlines on

1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.

 

You can write a check at McDonald's for 2 Big Macs and fries.

 

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing

plant.

 

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

 

Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.

 

You think the start of Elk season is a national holiday.

 

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't

prowl on your deck.

 

You have to leave your car windows up in every campground (so the

bears don't drive them).

 

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

 

The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

 

You find -40F a little chilly.

 

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

 

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry,

and your Sorels. (My personal favorite. I've been there and done

that!)

 

You can play road hockey on skates.

 

You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and

Construction.

 

You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your

Montana/Idaho/Wyoming friends.

 

The Incredible Appetite

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon & eggs,

perhaps a slice of toast?  Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to

follow?

 

He declines.  "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge

off my appetite."

 

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.  A bowl of home

made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich?  Perhaps a plate of

snacks and a glass of milk?

 

He declines.  "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge

off my appetite."

 

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.  She'll go to the

cafe and buy him a burger supper.  Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie?

Maybe he'd like a pizza micro waved?  Or a tasty stir fry that would

only take a couple of minutes?

 

He declines.  "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge

off my appetite."

 

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me?  I'm goddam

starving!"

 

 

Murphy's Technology Laws

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Murphy's Technology Law #1:

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #2:

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with

confidence.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #3:

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not

understand.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #4:

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then

the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #5:

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until

he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #6:

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll

believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to

touch to be sure.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #7:

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #8:

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #9:

All's well that ends . . . period.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #10:

A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #11:

The first myth of management is that it exists.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #12:

A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #13:

New systems generate new problems.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #14:

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #15:

We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #16:

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

 

Murphy's Technology Law #17:

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20

years make.

 

 

Helping Hands

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race

track accompanied by their lady teachers.

 

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so

it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And

the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's

bathroom.

 

One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little

boys up by their armpits as they did their business.

 

Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't

help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.

 

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

 

"No ma'am," he said, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for

the lift."

 

 

Possible Effects. . .

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Possible Effects of an Asteroid Hitting the Earth in 2028 ..from

Closeall

 

Global fires lead to tragic extinction of all those "Jurassic Park"

computer- generated dinosaurs.

 

Partying "like it's 1999" no longer very impressive.

 

New respect for those wacky "the end of the world is coming!"

protestors outside the White House.

 

It's the only way to end Strom Thurmond's career as a U.S. Senator.

 

Not-so-tragic extinction of "Barney."

 

Millions of "Last Night on Earth" parties, sponsored by the Trojan

Corporation.

 

Pierre Salinger argues that the Earth was actually destroyed by a Navy

missile.

 

Complete destruction of mankind eliminates having to decide between a

regular and Roth IRA.

 

Kevorkian finally forced out of business.

 

Embarrassment-a-plenty when the Trojan Corporation realizes its

products were not really needed at all those parties.

 

 

Hot Babe

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon

listening  to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume,

naturally).  It can really begin to bother you after a while.

 

I found a fairly easy fix for that though. I have my wife call his

desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy

from 1-900-HOT-BABE.  You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you

naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you,

would you?"

 

It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can

assure you.

 

 

In A Pickle

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency"

appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the

office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor

came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

 

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the

gynecologist to please examine her.

 

So the doctor started to examine her.  He held up his head after

completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing

that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and

expensive surgical procedure."

 

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman, "but while I

am here, do you think you could replace the batteries?"

 

~~

 

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

 

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

 

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The

Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

 

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

Wicked Cool

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church.

When I married my wife, I converted to her church, which at that

time was called the Lutheran Church in America. In order to do so, I

had to attend classes.

 

At one of the first sessions, the minister conducting the class said,

"What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"

 

I replied, perhaps too quickly.... "Sin?"

 

 

Fun Mall Stuff

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

50 Fun Things to do in a Mall

 

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the fountain.

 

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they

make your butt look big.

 

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

 

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer

to consume its now unwanted contents.

 

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'

 

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD

prices are in pesos or rubles.

 

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

 

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...

 

9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're

"astronaut food."

 

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from

'Dianetics.'

 

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

 

12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white

and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a

strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'

 

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

 

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy

in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

 

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

 

16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

 

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for

an hour while rocking from side to side.

 

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

 

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers

whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."

 

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in

Spanish.

 

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

 

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a

particular saw cuts through bone.

 

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and

whether there's much meat on them.

 

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

 

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

 

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them*

with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

 

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting

that you lost a contact lens.

 

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches

the color of your beard.

 

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see

London, I see France...'

 

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and

wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

 

31. Play the tuba for change (someone will pay you to stop!).

 

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My

Hotrod."

 

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform

gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

 

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy

will "give you a really wicked buzz."

 

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant

crap made out of straw." (wicker)

 

36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace

display.

 

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious

tracts.

 

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you

around in it.

 

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station

showing "Saved by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice,

and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

 

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department

wearing a Navy military uniform. Occasionally run around in circles

yelling

"scratch one flattop!"

 

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and

scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof."

 

42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of

explosion noises.

 

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and

down.  Say, "Ok, Master!"

 

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke

arguments over whether they're real.

 

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

 

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department

stores and say "Domino's."

 

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing

to scratch yourself.

 

48. At the stylist, ask them to perm the hair on your back (especially if

you're a lady!).

 

49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know whether

they've "seen this person."

 

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes

later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't

turned blue yet.

 

 

The Dangers Of Golf

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Where am I?  How did I get here?  Why does my head hurt?"

 

"You're in a hospital, sir.   I'm with the police.  We weren't sure

you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your

neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

 

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf.  Of course, I won every hole.

But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green,

and we both putted right to the pin.

 

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the

other ball had apparently sunk.  I didn't know whose it was, so I

pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I

said; 'Looks like your hole, dear.'  That was the last thing I

remember..."

 

~~

 

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than

leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than

motorcycle gangs?

 

~~

 

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.  God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.  One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.  Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

 

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.  The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

    

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.  I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.  Learn from him!  Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

 

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

~~

 

BEAR ALERT!!!

 

In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear

conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra

precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

 

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on

their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't

expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper

spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

 

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear

activity.  Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference

between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear

droppings are smaller and contains lots of berries and

squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells and

smell like pepper.

 

 

Assumptions

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A car was involved in an accident.  As one might expect, a large

crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story,

pushed and struggled to get near the car.

 

Being a clever sort, he started shobuting loudly, "Let me through!

Let me through please!  I am the son of the victim."

 

The crowd made way for him.

 

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

 

 

The Blessing

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to

our six- year-old daughter and said,

 

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

 

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

 

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

 

Our daughter bowed her head and said:

 

"Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

 

 

Three Knots

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A very old retired sailor put on his old uniform and went down to

the docks once more for old times sake. He found a young prostitute

and went up into her room with her.  He draped his sailor suit across

the bed as he got ready for the deed of intent.

 

A few minutes later found him goin' at it the best he could for a

guy his age and condition.  He looked up and asked her, "So, how am I

doin' there, Honey'?"

 

The prostitute replied, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three

knots."

 

"What's that?" he asked in confusion...

 

"Well, mister, as I said, you're doing 'three knots.'  You're knot

hard, you're knot in...and you're knot getting your money back!" she

calmly explained.

 

 

The New Hunter

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go

bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to

get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice,

sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

 

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

 

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

 

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly

decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site.

Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you

see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I

hear the shot."

 

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't

bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was

startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

 

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard

Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

 

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he

heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley

of gunfire!

 

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised

to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy,

obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your

deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

 

 

Fountain of Youth

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in

medical science and such, when one brings up the latest male medical

miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the

first man what it was for.

 

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known.  The

Fountain of Youth!!  Makes you feel like a man of 30."

 

The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"

 

"You probably could, if you took two pills," said the first man.

 

 

 

Back to Nature

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Deer hunting season is here... Here are the secret diary entries from

last years deer hunt.

 

1:00 A.M. - Alarm clock rings.

 

2:00 A.M. - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.

 

3:00 A.M. - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.

 

3:05 A.M. - Leave for the deep woods.

 

3:15 A.M. - Drive back home and pick up gun.

 

3:30 A.M. - Drive like a bat outta hell to get to the woods before

                    daylight.

 

4:00 A.M. - Set up camp - forgot the tent.

 

4:30 A.M. - Head into the woods.

 

6:05 A.M. - See eight deer.

 

6:06 A.M. - Take aim and squeeze trigger.

 

6:07 A.M. - "Click."

 

6:08 A.M. - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.

 

8:00 A.M. - Head back to camp.

 

9:00 A.M. - Still looking for camp.

 

10:00 A.M. - Realize you don't know where camp is.

 

Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.

 

12:15 P.M.  - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.

 

12:20 P.M.  - Strange feeling in stomach.

 

12:30 P.M.  - Realize you ate poison berries.

 

12:45 P.M.  - Rescued.

 

12:55 P.M.  - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.

 

3:00 P.M.  - Arrived back in camp.

 

3:30 P.M.  - Leave camp to kill deer.

 

4:00 P.M.  - Return to camp for bullets.

 

4:01 P.M.  - Load gun - leave camp again.

 

5:00 P.M.  - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.

 

6:00 P.M.  - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.

 

6:01 P.M.  - Load gun.

 

6:02 P.M.  - Fire gun.

 

6:03 P.M.  - One dead pickup truck.

 

6:05 P.M.  - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.

 

6:06 P.M.  - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.

 

6:07 P.M.  - Fall into fire.

 

6:10 P.M.  - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.

 

6:15 P.M.  - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.

 

6:25 P.M.  - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.

 

6:26 P.M.  - Start walking.

 

6:30 P.M.  - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.

 

6:35 P.M.  - Meet bear.

 

6:36 P.M.  - Take aim.

 

6:37 P.M.  - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.

 

6:38 P.M.  - Make mess in pants.

 

6:39 P.M.  - Climb tree.

 

9:00 P.M.  - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.

 

Midnight - Home at last.

 

Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting

license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game

Warden with very clear instructions on where to put it.

 

The Little Artist

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while

they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's

artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently,

she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl

replied, . . . .  "They will in a minute."

 

 

Read All About It

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines

 

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

 

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

 

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

 

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

 

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

 

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 

8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

 

9. Stud Tires Out

 

10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

 

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

 

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

 

14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

 

15. Eye Drops off Shelf

 

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 

17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

 

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

 

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

 

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

 

21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

 

22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

 

23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

 

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

 

26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

 

27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

 

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

 

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

 

30. War Dims Hope for Peace

 

31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

 

32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

 

35. Deer Kill 17,000

 

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 

38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 

39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

 

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 

41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

 

42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

 

43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

 

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

 

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

 

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

 

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

 

49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

 

50. Air Head Fired

 

 

Fries For Dinner

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with

him to help castrate his sheep.  As the farmer castrated the sheep,

the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into

the trash.

 

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them

up, and we eat them, they're delicious!  They're called Sheep Fries!"

 

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who

cooked them up for supper.  This went on for three days . . . and each

evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

 

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He

asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the

strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I

told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"

 

 

Valves

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when

he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was

standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

 

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey

DeBakey . . . .  Is dat you ? Come over here a minute." The famous

surgeon,

a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr.

fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em,

put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a

kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing

basically the same work?"

 

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to

Morris,..."Try doing your work with the engine running."

 

 

The Black Box

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had

covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past

five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in

four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal

accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the

crash.

 

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of

drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state

of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey

Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

 

Blizzard Conditions

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was

almost zero when the little blonde got off work.  She made her way

to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

 

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her

situation.  She finally remembered her Daddy's advice that if she got

caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and

follow it.  That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift.  This

made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow

plow went by and she started to follow it.

 

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they

continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard

conditions.  After quite some time had passed she was somewhat

surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came

back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

 

The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right since she had

been following him for a long time.  She said that she was fine and

told him of her Daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a

blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could

continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot

and was going over to K-Mart next . . . .

 

~~

 

Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army

days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one,

"that when they presented arms all you could hear was

slap, slap, click."

 

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company

presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

 

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

 

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave

for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here

are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the

replies from the maintenance crews:

 

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

 

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

 

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

 

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers

    lack normal seepage

 

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

 

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

 

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

 

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

 

(P) Autopilot in Altitude Hold Mode produces a 200 feet

    per minute descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

 

(P) IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

 

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

 

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

 

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be

    serious

 

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-

endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force

doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room

to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll

just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and

decided that would affect his sensitivity.

 

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of

the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it

would change the texture and feel of it.

 

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the

base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it

might give him erection problems.

 

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse

who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried,

"Can't we just make his legs longer?"

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by

the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

 

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

 

"Oh?  And what does your father do?"

 

"He's in the Army, sir."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were

discussing who had the toughest men. The army general

says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men

in the country. Private, get overhere!"

 

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"  The general

says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"  Without

hesitating, the private kills the man.  The general says,

"See? That man has balls!"

 

The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get

over here!"  The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?" The

marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him

and then kill yourself."  Without blinking, the marine

private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then

turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"

 

The admiral says, "That's nothing."  He calls to a seaman

high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"

The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"  The admiral repeats,

"JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"  The seaman replies, "Screw you,

sir!"  The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's

got brains too!"

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a

muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud

with a red faced colonel at the wheel.  "Your jeep stuck,

sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

 

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him

the keys, "Yours is."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort

were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit.

Being an all male combat force, they decided to request

coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

 

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that

arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their

most trustworthy students.  The Captain hesitated, then

said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of

the other kind ?"

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To

celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around

the town. The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm...

I wonder... if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will

we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go

ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation,

but they didn't see it land.

 

The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the

helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We

oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched

again, but nothing happened.

 

The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin,

and threw it. "NOW we'll see this land." The soldiers

watched again... nothing happened.

 

After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a

little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the

soldiers asked. "Well," said the girl, "I was just walking

along and slipped on a banana peel that came out from no

where."

 

The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter

and carried the little girl home. As they were walking

along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side

of the road. "What's the matter, Son?" "Well," said the

little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me

on the head." The soldiers again told their story and

helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with

the grenade," said one soldier.

 

"Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down

the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically.

"Ma'am...what's so funny?"

 

The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and

my house blew up.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every

hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"

he pleaded with a proprietor, "or just a bed, I don't care

where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant --

an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be

glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores

so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in

the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

 

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it."

 

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-

eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with

the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time,"

said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the

manager.

 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the

room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss

on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat

up all night watching me."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new

colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on

the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel

quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then

said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this

afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime,

thank you for your good wishes, sir."

 

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young

enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"  "Nothing

important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up

your telephone."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of

working since a young boy.  He was trying to impress the

Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School. The

Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',

it's real simple.  Add the number of times we dive to the

number of times we surface.  Divide that number by two. If

the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife

in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his

free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The

wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along

with several dozen lesson & music books.

 

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the

front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me

look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner

out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so

much !"  The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good

time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in

the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally

decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town

to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it.

 

After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.

The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his

great escapades. "And on the third day..." he began. "No!

No! Start with the first day," Everyone yells out in chorus.

"And on the third day," the private continues "she asked

me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the

field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the

field, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the

tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time

is it?"  The tower responded, "Who is calling?"  The

aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

 

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.  If it is

an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.  If it is an

Air Force, it is 1500 hours.  If it is a Navy aircraft, it

is 6 bells.  If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on

the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it is a Marine

Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the weapon-

inspections in Iraq.  As he sits down he sees three buttons

in the arm-rest of the chair of Saddam.  When Saddam sits

down, Clinton immediately asks "Why are there three buttons

in your arm-rest?"

 

"You'll see" replies Saddam.

 

They start the talks, but after 10 minutes Saddam presses

the 1st button, and 'WHACK' a boxing glove hits Clinton in

the face. Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam is laughs

himself silly. Clinton remains calm because he doesn't want

this to affect the talks.

 

After another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the 2nd button

and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the stomach. 

While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his

chair laughing.  Clinton gets annoyed by now, but still

remains outwardly calm.

 

They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses

the final button, and from under the table another boxing

glove hits Clinton right in the crotch. Clinton is really

fed up by now and stands up to leave. "We'll continue

this talk next week in the White House" says the President.

Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so

the appointment stands.

 

A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office,

and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the

arm-rest of Clinton's chair.

 

As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the

first button, and so he ducks really fast, but nothing

happens.  This doesn't stop Clinton from giggling.

 

Clinton continues where he left off, then presses another

button. Saddam reacts quickly, jumping to his feet.

Absolutely nothing happens, but this time Clinton falls

out of his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it - what

the hell is going on here?

 

But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to

talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the

final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but

Clinton isn't: He's is rolling on the floor, doubled up

in laughter.  Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he

stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of

this, I'm going back to Baghdad!"

 

(Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad?

.....what Baghdad?"

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone

rings:

 

"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for

use immediately?" The voice on the other end asked. "Well,

sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two

armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and

fat-ass Johnson's command jeep."

 

"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

 

"No sir." "This is Major Johnson, your commander!"

 

"Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

 

"Not yet!"

 

"That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked

him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

 

"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition.  First, we give

you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT

malleable.  The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade

represents value, but less malleable. When you make

Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two

silver bars.  As a Captain, you soar over military masses,

hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star.

That answer your question?"

 

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"

 

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history.  Back to the

Garden of Eden even.  You see, we've always covered our

pricks with leaves . . . "

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their

physicals.  During the inspection, the doctor was surprised

to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long,

oversized penises.

 

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's

hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the

doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for

your elongated penises?"

 

"No sir, our mother."

 

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

 

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one

arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub,

she had to manage as best she could."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their

pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to

pass the time. Talk fell on the subject of relative merits

of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding

their planes were better because of their maneuverability,

weaponry and the like. The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well

I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only

dream about."

 

Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch,"

he tells them.  The C-130 continues to fly straight and

level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to

the air and says, "There! How was that?"

 

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are

you talking about? What did you do?"

 

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup

of coffee, then went back an took a piss."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

 

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

 

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's

         try it again.

 

Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?

 

Soldier: No, SIR!

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to

have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot.

Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to

rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day."

They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit.

 

The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna

cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later

came back with the limit.

 

The third year they came back and told the mountaineer

they had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day.

"You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm

overcharging you $4.00." "But we don't understand, what

happened to him?"  "Well, a crew from that there air base

in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of

them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his

ass barkin ever since."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Q. How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your

   party?

A: He'll tell you.

 

Q. What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

 

Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a

   jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came

upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said, "Those are deer

tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose

tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit

them.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.

They were both just getting finished with their shaves-the

barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their

faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me!

My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

 

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put

it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse

smells like.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a

stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she

walked over and asked him when was the last time he had

had sex.

 

"1956," was his immediate reply.

 

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey,

you need to get out more."

 

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing

at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered

private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,

you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and

spit on my grave."

 

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied.  "Once I get out of

the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

It's Mine, All Mine!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids.  She

complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such

pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

 

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,"

her friend said.

 

So Mary bought a playpen  A few days later, her friend called

to ask how things were going.

 

"Superb!  I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a

good book, a chocolate bar,  and the kids don't bother me for

hours!"

 

 

Three Advantages

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed

for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the

question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk."

 

Quickly he wrote:

 

1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

 

2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from

germs and helps develop the child's immune system.

 

Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until

he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

 

3. It comes in such nice containers.

 

 

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Are you harbouring a fugitive?   -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

 

See me A.S.A.P.                      --Kum Hia Nao

 

Stupid Man                                --Dum Gai

 

Small Horse                              --Tai Ni Po Ni

 

Did you go to the beach?         -- Wai Yu So Tan?

 

I bumped into a coffee table.    -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

 

I think you need a facelift.         -- Chin Tu Fat

 

It's very dark in here.                  --Wai So Dim?

 

Has your flight been delayed?     -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

 

That was an unauthorized execution.   -- Lin Ching

 

I thought you were on a diet.      --Wai Yu Mun Ching?

 

This is a tow away zone.            --No Pah King

 

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?   -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

 

You are not very bright.             --Yu So Dum

 

I got this for free.                        --Ai No Pei

 

I am not guilty.                            --Wai Hang Mi?

 

Please, stay a while = longer.     -- Wai Go Nao?

 

Our meeting was scheduled for next week.   --Wai Yu Kum Nao

 

They have arrived.                      --Hia Dei Kum

 

Stay out of sight.                          --Lei Lo

 

He's cleaning his automobile.          -- Wa Shing Ka

 

Your body odor is offensive.         -- Yu Stin Ki Pu

 

Mistaken Identity

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,

even the accelerator!" he cried out.

 

The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

 

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time

with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a

hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

 

 

A Classic One!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything

from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence

of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private

Catholic school.

 

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked

in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression

on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he

quietly closed the door.

 

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books

strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long

enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight

back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his

studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it

was time for the first quarter report card.

 

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the

dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother

opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the

subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their

son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

 

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook

his head and said, "No."

 

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

 

"No."

 

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

 

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front

door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew

they meant business!"

 

 

Being Prepared

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two week cruise for his

girlfriend and himself.  A couple of days before the cruise, the

travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he

can get them on a three-day cruise instead.  The guy agrees and goes

to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day,

the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The

guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two

more Dramamine and two more condoms.  The following day, the travel

agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise.  The

guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more

Dramamine and three more condoms. 

 

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do

you keep doing it?"

 

~~

 

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not

screaming in terror like the passengers in his bus.

 

~~

 

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a

remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on

horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby

town.

 

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the

Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo

from the surrounding hills.

 

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local

service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

 

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked

the service station attendant.

 

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him

on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto

his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

 

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback......"

 

~~

 

Bill joins a very exclusive nudist colony.  On his first

day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man

immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his

erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:

"Sir, did you call for me?" Bill replies "No, what do you

mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain.

It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies

you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side

of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her

and happily lets him have his way with her.

 

Bill continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna,

sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly

corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of

the steam towards him.  The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you

call for me?" Bill replies "No, what do you mean?" "You

must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it

implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins

Bill around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

 

Bob rushes back to the colony office.  He is greeted by

the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?". Bill

says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the

$500 joining fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple

of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our

facilities..."

 

Bill replies:  "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a

hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. 

No thanks!"

 

 

Testing

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having

used the same tests for the past 35 years.

 

"Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing

these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY

what's on the test before they sit for it?"

 

"Doesn't matter," replied the professor. . . ."I just keep changing

the ANSWERS."

 

 

Newness

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the

crotch.   Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally

gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc?  I'm going

on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every

way."

 

The doc said,  "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it

heal and keep it straight. It should be  okay next week." So he took

four tongue depressors and  formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and

wired it all together.  It was an impressive work of art.

 

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on

their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to

reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw

them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these

breasts."

 

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's

still in the crate!"

 

 

Keeping Up Appearances

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her

Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

 

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy he won't even take an aspirin for a

headache. 'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his

coffee, he won't even taste it.' 'Try it and come back in a week to

let me know how you got on.'

 

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to

how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor'. 'What

happened?' asks the doctor.

 

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.' 'The

effect was immediate.' 'He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off

the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded

to make passionate love to me on the tabletop.' 'It was terrible.'

 

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no

doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be

able to show my face in McDonald's again.

 

~~

 

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was

going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the

prospect raised a discussion among them.

 

First Bull:  "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. 

Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100

of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this

newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin'

him any of mine."

 

Second Bull:  "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've

been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows

we've agreed are mine.  I'll fight 'im till I run him off

or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

 

Third  Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you

guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of".  I

may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and

virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

 

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-

wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only

ONE ANIMAL IN IT:  the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these

guys had ever seen!  At 4700 pounds, each step he took

toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking

point.

 

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since

I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway.  I

think I can spare a few for our new friend."

 

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if

I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. 

I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

 

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and

find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

 

First Bull:  "Son, let me give you some advice real quick.

Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

 

Third Bull:  "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS.  I'm just

making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

 

I Won!

-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into

the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey,

pack your bags! I won the lottery!"

 

The husband says, "Ohmigod! What should I pack -- beach stuff or

mountain stuff?"

 

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter... just get out!"

 

 

Little Johnny

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher

advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and

instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat

after him.

 

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge

allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he

noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

 

"Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your

heart."

 

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

 

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his

heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

 

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up,

pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma

wouldn't lie!"

 

 

Magnificent Couple

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the

house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to

sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off

a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim

his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

 

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the

new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large,

burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I

couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

 

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am

really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay

you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

 

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife

appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the

offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to

step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand

dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

 

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of his

desire are freed at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds

to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several

minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on, kiss 'em!" he

growls.

 

"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling.

 

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry by now.

 

"I don't have ten thousand dollars..."

 

~~

 

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,

walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a

big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting

at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady

a drink?"

 

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to

ignore her.  At the end of the bar, a skinny little

drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender,

I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

 

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it

down. After she's completed the drink, she turns

again to the patrons and points around at all of

them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying,

"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

 

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on

the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the

ballerina another drink!"

 

After serving the lady her second drink, the

bartender approaches the little drunk and states,

"It's your business if you want to buy the lady a

drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

 

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who

can lift her leg up that high has got to be a

ballerina!"

 

~~

 

See what happens to the punch line when all the famous big companies

produce CONDOMS

 

MIRINDA CONDOM - ZOR KA JHATKA DHERE SE LAGE

 

MRF CONDOM - EXTRA RUBBER EXTRA MILEAGE

 

MOOV CONDOM - AH SE AHAA TAK

 

Dunlop Condoms - Extra wide Extra Grip

 

Gadgil Condoms - Environmental friendly, reusable.

 

Hero Honda Condom - Fill it shut it forget it.

 

LUX CONDOMS- FILMI SITARON KI PASAND

 

BAJAJ CONDOMS- BULAND BHARAT KI BULAND TASVEER

 

VIDEOCON CONDOMS- BRING HOME THE LEADER

 

ONIDA CONDOMS- NEIGHBOURS ENVY,OWNERS PRIDE

 

PEPSI CONDOMS-YEHI HAI RIGHT CHOICE BABY ....AAAHA

 

COCA-COLA CONDOMS- EAT CONDOM, SLEEP CONDOM WEAR ONLY COCA-COLA.

 

ARIEL CONDOMS-DHUNDATE RAHE JAOGAYE

 

ROTOMAC CONDOMS-SAB KUCH DIKHTA HAI

 

AMUL CONDOM-A GIFT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE

 

SIEMENS CONDOMS-COMMUNICATION UNLIMITED

 

VISA CONDOMS-GO GET IT

 

BAGPIPER CONDOMS-KHUB JAMEGI MASTI JAB MIL BAYETHENGE TEEN YAAR,MAI, AAP

AUR BAGPIPER CONDOM

 

POLO CONDOMS- A CONDOM WITH A HOLE

 

NOKIA CONDOM- CONNECTING PEOPLE

 

PRESTIGE COOKER CONDOM- JO BIWI SE KARE PYAAR WOH CONDOM SE KAISE KARE

INKAAR

 

WILLS CONDOM- OFFICIAL SPONSER FOR INDIAN CRICKET TEAM

 

SURF CONDOM- BHALA USKA CONDOM MERE CONDOM SE GILA KAISE

 

 

Yesterday

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Yesterday,

All those back ups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my data base has gone away.

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

 

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone

Hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

 

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

 

Now all my data's gone

And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

 

Yesterday,

The need for back ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

 

 

Just a Tickle

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Special Israeli army unit was crossing the desert and most of

the men were on camels.  Lt. Shalom had a very stubborn camel, and

finally it stopped dead in its tracks and refused to move another

step.  The rest of the unit moved on, leaving Shalom along with his

mulish camel.

 

Shalom sat on the camel for three hours.  He kicked the camel.  He

pleaded with it and shouted curses, but the camel would not budge.

 

He dismounted and was standing disconsolately at its side when a

woman soldier drove up in a jeep and asked him if he needed help.

Lt. Shalom explained to her that the camel wouldn't budge.

 

"Oh, I can fix that," she said jumping out of her jeep.  She reached

down and put her hand under the camel's belly.  The camel jumped up

and down, and then took off at the rate of half a mile a minute.

 

Lt. Shalom was astounded.  "Ma'am, what did you do? What's the

trick?"

 

"Its simple, Lieutenant.  I just tickled his privates."

 

"Well, miss, you'd better tickle mine too, because I've got to catch

that camel!"

 

Camouflage

-=-=-=-==-=-=-

 

Two military policemen were chasing a draftee who was fleeing from

the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent.

He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading

a book. He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me. I don't want

to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

 

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two

policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied,

"No."

 

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that

everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a

nice set of legs for a nun!"

 

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find more than

that. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband

is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but

warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it

into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

 

So, that night at dinner, she does.

 

About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says,

"Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes

like you said!  It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up,

rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me,

rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the

table!"

 

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill

was that strong.  The foundation will be glad to pay for

any damages."

 

"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back

to that restaurant anyway."

 

 

The Dog

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning

coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of

paper in your pant pocket with the name "Marylou" written on it,"

she said, furious.  "You had better have an explanation."

 

"Calm down, honey," the man replied.  "Remember last week when I was

at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

 

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

 

"What was that for?" he complained.

 

"Your dog called last night."

 

 

Bumper Stickers

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

If it ain't broken... fix it 'til it is

 

I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my

head that far up my ass.

 

Graduate quickly . . . millions on welfare depend on you.

 

Illiterate ? . . . write for free help.

 

I drive like this to piss you off.

 

Jesus loves you.... Everyone else thinks you're an ass hole.

 

Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

 

If you can read this, then you're in range.

 

House guarded by shotgun 3 days a week . . . you guess which days.

 

I get enough exercise just pushin' my luck.

 

~~

 

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl

like a book, your library card has expired.

 

~~

 

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.  First,

the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks,

"You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be

the problem?"

 

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me

crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

 

"How does he drive you crazy?"

 

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid

things.  First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at

the floor and refuses to go near anyone.  It's very

embarrassing."

 

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

 

"He keeps picking his nose all the time!  Even in public!"

 

"Hmm, anything else?"

 

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER

lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in

control!"

 

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your

husband now."

 

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.

The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been

driving her crazy.  She might even leave you."

 

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT?  For 20 years I've been

loving and considerate and I've always given her what she

wants!  What could be the problem?"

 

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these

habits that are driving her crazy.  First, you're always

acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never

going near anyone else."

 

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! 

It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his

deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

 

"What did he say?"

 

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

 

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that

you should not do anything that would cause anyone else

to get angry."

 

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh.  Okay."

 

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose

in public."

 

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded

me to do!  He told me to always keep my nose clean."

 

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should

not indulge in any criminal activity."

 

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

 

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on

top during your lovemaking."

 

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my

father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most

important thing."

 

"What did he say?"

 

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said,

'Whatever you do, don't screw up.' "

 

 

Fragrance

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two blonde girls walk into a department store.  They walk up to

the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.  Sharon sprays

it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't

you think, Tracy?"

 

"Yeah.  What's it called Sharon?"

 

"Viens a moi."

 

"Viens a moi?  What the does that mean?"

 

At this stage the store clerk offers some help.  "Viens a moi,

ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"

 

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again

saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me.  Does that smell

like come to you?"

 

The Prize

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks

one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They

bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The

following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

 

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet

spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six

month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the

sixth prize - a toilet brush.

 

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how

they were enjoying their prizes.

 

"Great," said Tom.  "I love spaghetti."

 

"So do I," said Dick.  "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

 

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

 

~~

 

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

 

~~

 

A man walked into his backyard in a residential

neighborhood one morning. He saw a 600 pound Gorilla

sitting in his tree. He telephoned an emergency Gorilla

Removal Service, and shortly a technician arrived with

a stick, a pair of hand cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and a

shotgun.

 

"Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner. "I am

going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this

stick, until he falls to the ground. My trained Chihuahua

will go right for the Gorilla's testicles, and when the

Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands to protect

himself, you slap on the hand cuffs without delay."

 

"OK... got it," the homeowner replied. "But what is the

shotgun for?"

 

The technician said, "If I should fall out of the tree

before the Gorilla... SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!"

 

Juicy Steak

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good

Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because

they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So

when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday

night, they began to squirm.

 

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After

much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he

went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and

said,  "You were born Protestant.  You were raised Protestant.

But now you are Catholic."

 

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish,

they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the

neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because

he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw

him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying, "You were born a cow.

You were raised a cow. But now you are fish."

 

 

Disease Prevention

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and

kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in

the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She

invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

 

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass

bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of

all things, a condom.

 

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea

had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in

her parlor.

 

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater,

but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss

Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing

to the bowl.

 

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking downtown

last Fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your

organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I

think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

 

 

Batty

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three pastors from different congregations were having lunch and

sharing experiences and ideas to help each other out with their

different fellowships.

 

After several minutes of animated conversation, the first one

remarks, "Hey, you know, we've got a serious problem at our church

that I want to discuss with you guys."

 

The other two pastors nod and he goes on, "Well, it's bats.  We can't

seem to get these bats out of our attic.  The singing and organ

playing wake them up, and they start flapping around.  Then when I

start to preach, we can still hear them moving around up there and

it's really hard for anyone to pay any attention.  The kids start to

cry and, well, it's starting to really get in the way of a good

church service."

 

The second pastor says "Well that's interesting, because we've had

the same problem, they won't stay out of our belfry.  We've tried

ringing the bells at all hours, spraying chemicals, we've even had a

couple of exterminator companies out.  Nothing's worked yet." He

throws up his hands in exasperation and shakes his head.

 

The third pastor smiles and nods his head knowingly.  "Well,

gentlemen. We had that problem a few years ago, and we found a quick

solution." he says.  The other two pastors look up with hope on

their faces, and he goes on, "It was easy.  We got up there, got to

know 'em a little bit. Pretty soon we had them come on down, got 'em

baptized and part of the congregation.  Haven't seen 'em since."

For Tax Payers ...

The only thing the Indian Taxation department has not yet taxed

is your Ding-Dong. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time

it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed

off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in

a hole. On top of this it has two dependants and they are both

nuts.

Therefore from April 1999 your Ding-Dong will be taxed according

to its size. To determine your category, please insert this

information on part II, Sec 7, line 4 of your standard tax form.

10" to 12" Luxury Tax Rs. 500. pa.

8" to 10" Pole Tax Rs. 450 pa.

6" to 8" Privilege Tax Rs. 400 pa.

4" to 6" Nuisance Tax Rs. 200 pa.

PS. Any one under 4" is eligible for a refund.

Any one exceeding 12" must file under "CAPITAL GAINS"

 

NOTICE

Reg Voluntary disclosure of Assets for all Female Tax Payers.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Minstry of Finance has so far not covered under the purview

of tax the GLOBAL ASSETS of women tax payers. Such assets

invariably attracted male tax payers to hide their income

"Projection into Female Vaults"

So far the Government has not ventured to unearth such assets

because 60% of the time they are concealed, 20% of the time Hard

Pressed, 15% of the time Squeezed and 5% of the time sucked.

It also lets a lot of "CLEAVAGE" betweent the "Global Assets"

The government therefore instead of enforcing a search on such

assets has come out with a scheme to attract women for "Voluntary

Disclosure" of their global assets.

37" to 38" Burden Tax Rs. 1,000 pa.

35" to 36" Entertainment Tax Rs. 800 pa.

33" to 34" Excitement Tax Rs. 600 pa.

31" to 32" Search Tax Rs. 400 pa.

PS. Sizes under 30" will be eligible for a "Development Rebate"

whereas sizes above 39" will fall under "Wealth Tax". Married

women whose assets are shared by their spouses will be entitled

to a concession of 20% on the above rates as "Wear and Tear

allowance".

All cases of violation of global assets disclosure rule will be

handled "Firmly".

 

 

TOP 25 THANKSGIVING THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

-------------------------------------------------------

 

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these

 people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"Let's do it in the dining room"

"I gave Mom the bird, and told her to stuff it."

 

And the number one thing that sounds dirty but isn't:

 

"Make a wish when you pull on the bone, but don't tell anyone!"

 

~~

 

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 

~~

 

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an

airplane.

 

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat

pork?"

 

"Yes, it is still one of our beliefs" replied the Rabbi.

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"  The

Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the

temptation and tasted pork."  The priest nodded in

understanding and went on with his reading.

 

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest,

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that

you remain celibate?" The priest replied "Yes, that is

still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then

asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?"

 

The priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak

and broke with my faith."

 

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then

said, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"

 

~~

 

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting

undressed together for the first time. He took off his

shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and

discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife

asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects

the toes."

 

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking

pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean

measles?" "No., kneesles, it only affects the knees."

 

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said,

"Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

 

~~

 

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely

suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an

actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

~~

 

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces

various latex products.  At the first stop, he is shown

the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.  The

machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.  "The hiss sound

is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the

guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in

the end of the nipple."

 

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where

condoms are manufactured.  The machine makes a noise:

"Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"  "Wait a minute!" says the

man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,'

is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

 

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple

machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every

fourth condom."

 

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

 

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

 

~~

 

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental

illness".

 

~~

 

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was

away, so he decided to test it on himself first.

 

He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the

switch on and "voila", everything else was automatic!! 

He really had good time as the equipment provided him

with as much pleasure as his wife did.

 

But when the fun was over, he found that he could not

take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not

find any useful information.

 

He tried every button on the instrument.  Some made

the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less,

but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the

supplier's Customer Service Hotline.

 

The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from

your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it

off from the cow's udder?"

 

Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was

programmed such that it will release automatically after

collecting about 2 liters of milk."

 

A mother is with her 5-year-old boy at the zoo when they

reach the elephant cage. The 5-year-old boy looks with

amazement at the large beast and says to his mom,

"What's that long thing hanging down from the

elephant?"

 

The mom replies "That's his trunk".

 

The little boy says, "I know that, the thing to the other

side of the trunk."

 

The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".

 

The boy says, "I know that! No, what's that big thing

hanging down in between the trunk and tail."

 

The mother, wanting to avoid this subject at all costs,

just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the

next exhibit.

 

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. 

They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad

"What's that long thing hanging down from the

elephant?"

 

The dad replies, "That's his trunk."

 

"No, behind that!" says the kid.

 

"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.

 

"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.

 

The father replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."

The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it

was nothing."

 

The dad replied, "Well, your mom's been spoiled."

 

~~

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

                     * 12%  Monday

                     * 23%  Tuesday

                     * 40%  Wednesday

                     * 20%  Thursday

                     *  5%  Friday

 

~~

 

Ski season is almost here!!  Hence, the following list of

Exercises to get you prepared:

 

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the

walk-in freezer for a half an hour.  Afterwards, burn two

$50 dollar bills to warm up.

 

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after

every use.

 

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half

of your head before you go to bed each night.

 

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue

smeared on the lenses.

 

12. Throw away your rainy day fund, now.

 

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20

times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis,

accessory bag and poles.  Pretend you are looking for your

car.  Sporadically drop things.

 

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line

them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around

your toes.

 

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

 

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a

friend to run into you at high speed.

 

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a

hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

 

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket

and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket

lacerate your face.

 

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as

it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

 

4.  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and

let the spray blast your face.  Leave the ice on your

face until it melts.  Let it drip into your clothes.

 

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then

proceed to take them off because you have to go to the

bathroom.

 

2. Slam your thumb in a car door.  Don't go see a doctor.

 

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until

it's time for the real thing!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

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which it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or privileged

material.  Any review, retransmission, dissemination or other use of, or

taking of any action in reliance upon, this information by persons or

entities other than the intended recipient is prohibited.   If you

received this in error, please contact the sender and delete the material from

any computer.

 

 

Precise Age

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling

at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me

how old the dinosaur bones are?"

 

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months

old."

 

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know

their age so precisely?"

 

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million

years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half

years ago."

 

 

Pink Slip Time

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

You know it was your last day at your job when...

 

1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's

this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox

and gave her your mail.

 

2. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and

say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!"

Your boss is standing behind you.  It's his wife.

 

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some

confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the

keyboard. It shorts out.

 

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled

*this* week as vacation, not last week.

 

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how

was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

 

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles.

Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company

Christmas party.

 

The Big Cut

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball

game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much

about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the

game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"

 

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

 

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

 

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut

IT off?"

 

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

 

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 

"What was the most painful part?"

 

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

 

~~

 

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they

went to a doctor. He examined them, and concluded that

the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He

suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry

position.

 

The man said, "What is that?"

 

The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like

they do." The man said, "My wife is very shy and she

won't do that." The doctor replied, "Try giving her a

cocktail or two and she will lose all inhibition."

 

Some while later the doctor met the man, pushing a

baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said.  "Yes it

did Doc, but now the problem is my wife is an alcoholic!"

 

"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.

 

"Well, every time we did it ... it took seven or eight

drinks just to get her out into the front yard!"

 

 

~~

 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

 

~~

 

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks

how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

 

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

 

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a

cheaper way?"

 

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic,

I can knock it down to $60."

 

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

 

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and

simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get

away with charging $20."

 

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

 

"Hmmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let

one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I

could charge you just $10."

 

"Excellent," says the man, "book my wife for next

Tuesday!"

 

 

Astounding

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Tillie and Minnie, two old girl friends, met for lunch. "I married a

wealthy clothing manufacturer," announced Tillie, "and he bought

me a yacht for my birthday!"

 

"Astounding!" said Millie.

 

"I have charge accounts in all the department stores!"

 

"Astounding!"

 

"I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds and he bought me a

twenty-five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary!:

 

"Astounding!"

 

"What have you been doing?" asked Tillie.

 

"Oh," answered her friend, "going to charm school!"

 

"Really? What did you learn there?"

 

"They taught me to say 'Astounding' instead of 'who gives a damn!'"

 

 

Intense Prayer

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and

started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man

kneeling at a grave.

 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere

with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain

is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?

A child? A  parent?"

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,

"My wife's first husband."

 

 

The Works Of Shakespeare

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million

typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of

Shakespeare.

 

Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this isn't true.

 

~~

 

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled

over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up taps on

the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down

the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him in the

head with the stick.

 

The driver says, "What the hell was that for?"

 

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull

you over, you better have your license ready when we

get to your car."

 

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around

here."

 

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's

clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around

to the passenger side and taps on the window. The

passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK", the trooper

smacks him with the nightstick too.

 

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

 

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

 

The passenger says, "Huh?"

 

The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road

you're gonna say 'I wish that jerk would've tried that

crap with me.' "

 

 

Legal Bull

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a

lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull

was missing from the section through which the railroad

passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value

of the bull.

 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of

the peace in the back room of the general store.

 

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the

rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The

lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher

agreed to take half of what he was asking.

 

After the rancher had signed the release and took the

check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little

over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate

to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in

there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was

asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train

went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one

witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

 

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young

feller, I was a little worried about winning that case

myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

 

Real Estate Tips

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Real estate is going up again. So if you're looking to start

the coming millennium in a new home, here are some helpful

translations of descriptions found in Real Estate ads:

 

Sophisticated city living = Next to a noisy bar

 

Old World Charm - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning

 

Contemporary feeling = Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

 

Close to Lakes = Impossible to park from April to October

 

Wide open floor plan = Previous owner removed supporting walls.

 

Security System = Neighbor has a dog.

 

Need TLC = Major structural damage

 

Updated kitchen = Sink no longer overflows.

 

Motivated seller = Has been on the market for 14 years.

 

Convenient = Located on freeway entrance ramp.

 

Mint = Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

 

Neutral decor = No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

 

Move in condition = Front door missing

 

Cozy = No room larger than 9 x 6

 

Lower level family room = Ping Pong table over sewer opening

 

Light open spaces = Many holes in walls and ceiling

 

Outstanding - Painted purple, and sticks out like a sore thumb.

 

Blind Date (and more)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her

roommate.

 

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932

Rolls Royce."

 

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about

that?"

 

"He was the original owner."

 

 

Ugly Faces

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.

Smith

stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said,

"When

I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

 

The student looked up at her and surveyed her face and replied,

"Well you can't say you weren't warned."

 

Giving: Church or State

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

 

"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.

 

"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.

 

"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"

 

"I'm from the IRS.  Can you tell me something?  Did he make the

$100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on his tax

return?" asked the IRS agent.

 

"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "but if he

hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"

 

 

No One's Faster!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started

the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's

way faster than any of yours. He can throw a 90-mph fast ball from

the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the

plate!"

 

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow

from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the

arrow hits the bulls eye!"

 

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster

than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works

every day until 4:00 p.m., he gets home at 3:30!"

 

 

Matters of Precaution

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

As cab drivers sometimes do, the driver was darting in and out of

heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Dear sir, would you please be more careful? I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady," murmured the cabby, "you got six kids and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"

 

~~

 

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

 

~~

 

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a

long illness.  The doctor, after a lengthy examination,

sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've

some bad news for you.  You have cancer, and it can't

be cured.  I'd give you two weeks to a month to live,"

 

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but

of solid character. He managed to compose himself and

walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. 

There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley

said, "Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are

good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In

this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've

been given a short time to live.  Let's head for the pub

and have a few pints."

 

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less

somber.  There were some laughs and more beers. 

They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's

old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. 

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and

the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking

to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a

few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." 

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they

had a couple more beers.

 

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and

whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that

you were dying from cancer??? You just told your

friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

 

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son.  I just don't

want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm

gone."

 

 

Way Ahead

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands

next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a

Twinkie snack cake.

 

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your

Twinkie."

 

She says with an excited knowing grin, "Oh yes sir, and I'm gonna get

boobs too!"

 

 

Worth Repeating

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

[This one I believe is worth repeating. 

There are many forms floating around, this one more gentle than most.]

 

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked

around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and

thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your

kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one - none of that three

wishes jazz, OK?"

 

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have always wanted

to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of

flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a

road to be built from here to Hawaii."

 

The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said, "No, I

don't think I can do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up

the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom

of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steal and concrete that

would be needed. I'm sorry, you will have to choose another wish."

 

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one

other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to

understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get

upset at us so easily, what are their true desires and needs?

Basically what makes them tick?!"

 

The genie stared at him and blinked a couple times. "So, do you want

two lanes or four?"

 

 

!!! RAUNCHY BUT FUNNY AS HELL LANGUAGE WARNING !!!

 

Equal Standards

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnnie returned from school and told his father that he'd

gotten an "F" in arithmetic.

 

"Why?" asked the father.

 

"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6,'" replied

Johnnie.

 

"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.

 

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" explained Johnnie.

 

"What the fuck's the difference?" asked his father.

 

"That's what I said!!" replied Johnnie.

 

Bad Santa

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR MALL HAS A BAD SANTA

 

10. Instead of saying, "Ho-Ho-Ho," he hollers "Oy vey!"

 

9.  He asks the mothers if they want to sit on his lap.

 

8.  Resume includes appearing as Santa in "Naughty, Naughty Girls."

 

7. You recognize him as a former NFL star doing Community Service

hours.

 

6.  He complains that the food court has no whiskey.

 

5.  He refers to the wishing fountain as his "tip jar."

 

4.  He won't talk to the kids without conferring with his lawyer.

 

3.  He asks the kids to leave him milk and crack.

 

2.  He Replaces Joe Camel as the new Camel cigarettes spokesman.

 

1.  Before the kids sit on his lap he orders the elves to frisk

them.  

 

~~

 

Many, many years ago way up in the North Pole, things

were not going well. It was unseasonably warm and all

the ice and snow had turned to muddy slush. Orders at

Santa's workshop were way down and Santa sent out

pink slips for staff down-sizing. The elves didn't like

this very much and decided to go out on strike.

 

At the same time inspectors from the Department of

Agriculture showed up and quarantined the reindeer

with hoof-and-mouth disease. Since Santa couldn't pay

his bills and was seriously considering filing for

bankruptcy (Chap. 11), North Pole Gas and Electric

pulled the plug - leaving all in the dark and cold.

 

Mrs. Claus, very much perturbed by all this, developed a

yeast infection and decided to pack her bags and go

home to her mother in Vero Beach, Florida. Santa, upset

as well, came down with a severe case of hives and

hemorrhoids.

 

So, one night a few days before Christmas Eve, Santa

was sitting on his rubber donut in a dark and lonesome

room listening to the elves parading up and down

outside chanting "Santa Unfair!", to the reindeer

snorting in their affliction, and to the ice melting drip by

dismal drip from the roof, when suddenly the doorbell

rang. "Now what!" groused Santa as he eased up to

open the door.

 

There in front of him stood a darling, tiny, smiling and

ever-so-beautiful angel with fluttering gossamer wings

and a glowing halo, resplendent in a golden gown. In

her hand she held a little Christmas tree. "Whaddya

want?" snapped Santa. The angel, smiling sweetly, held

up the tree in her hand and gently asked, "What should I

do with this tree, Santa?"

 

And that's why there's always an angel on top of every

Christmas tree. The end.

 

Coming or Going?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young boy ran into the kitchen where his mom was cooking dinner.

All out of breath he asked, "Mom, is it true people are made out of

dust?"

 

"Why, but yes?" answered his mom with a tone of concern.

 

"Well then, is it true they turn back into dust when they die?" he

asked.

 

The puzzled mom responded, "Yes, that's true too.  Why all these

questions?"

 

"Well," the boy replied, "there's somebody under my bed either

coming or going!"

 

 

The Difference

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Q. What do you do if a poodle humps your leg?

A. Shake it off.

 

Q. What do you do if a Rotweiler humps your leg?

A. Fake an orgasm!

 

~~

 

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

 

~~

 

Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s:

 

1.  You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your

    family of 3.

4.  You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5.  You chat several times a day with a stranger from

    South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door

    neighbor yet this year.

6.  You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is

    that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8.  You consider the U.S. Mail painfully slow and/or call

    it "snail mail".

9.  Your idea of being organized is multiple colored

    post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in

    person.

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still

    answer the phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally

    insert a "9"to get an outside line.

13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked

    for three different companies.

14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you

    lost all of your best jokes.

19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more

    likely to get long-service awards.

21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third

    World countries annual budgets combined.

22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in

    the summer.

23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until

    you retire.

24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge

    or experience, terminate the interview when told of the

    starting salary.

25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it

    must be a visitor.

26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop

    with all the latest features, while you have time to go

    for lunch while yours boots up.

28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in

    hospital.

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent

    staff your department is short of, but they can afford

    four full-time management consultants advising your

    boss's boss on strategy.

31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.

32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes

    around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED

    THERE is leaving.

33. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works

    with computers".

34. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their

    pictures are on your desk.

35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

 

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE

36. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

37. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to

    your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.

38. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen

    this list already, but you don't have time to check so

    you forward it anyway.

 

 

If Men Truly Ran The World

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice

hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.

 

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

 

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only

occur in leap years.

 

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to

go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

 

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it

would be celebrated every month.

 

6. Garbage would take itself out.

 

7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed

off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event

in world history.

 

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday

Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."

 

9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

 

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

 

11. Two words... "Ally McNaked."

 

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you

responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You

know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my

beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off."

 

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

 

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

 

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

 

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

 

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and

eat the losers.

 

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as

you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

 

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present

your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

 

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the

game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during

a time-out.

 

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an

acceptable response to "I love you"

 

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

 

23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an

acceptable excuse for tardiness.

 

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would

jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and

right into your car, like Fred Flintstone.

 

25. Hallmark would make, "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

 

Creative Tips

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

- Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an

ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside

it before you put it on.

 

- Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and

dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

 

- X-Files fans.  Create the effect of being abducted by

aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka.  You'll

invariably wake up in a strange place the following

morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased."

 

- A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table

from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and

pineapple cube dispenser at cocktail parties.

 

- Save money on expensive personalized car license plates

by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

 

- Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus

arriving fully refreshed and on time.

 

- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish

bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim

in an amusing manner. (Remember, we're joking...)

 

- Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a

spoonful of lard.

 

- Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in

each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing

line.  This can then be worn around the neck.

 

- Anorexics, When your knees become fatter than your legs,

start eating cake again.

 

- Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you

get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your

ears and slide out.

 

- A next-door neighbors car aerial, carefully folded,

makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.  Great for opening

cars with the keys inside!

 

- Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of

arrest, imprisonment or death, by simply making sure you

book a flight to your intended destination in the first

place.

 

- An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes

an inexpensive vibrator.

 

- Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you've taken

anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

 

~~

 

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally

sick of the stress.  He quits his job and buys 50 acres of

land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

 

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries

once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone

knocks on his door.

 

He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing

there. "Name's Lars ... Your neighbor from forty miles

away.... Having a party Friday to celebrate the new

Millenium.... Thought you'd like to come. About 5..."

 

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready

to meet some local folks. Thank you." 

 

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's

gonna be some drinkin'."  "Not a problem... after 25

years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

 

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely

gonna be some fightin' too."  Sam says, "Well, I get

along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

 

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some

wild sex at these parties, too."

 

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam.  "I've been

all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be there. By the

way, what should I wear?"

 

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you

want, just gonna be the two of us."

 

 

Information Systems

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

My boss recently got this message and forwarded it to me to correct

the problem:

 

Eric,

The president recently sent a memo to all company people.  I

did not receive it but my brother, Wayne, in Minneapolis, did.

 

What happened?????

 

Can you please make sure I am on the Company All Distribution list?

 

Thanks,

Art

 

 

My reply:

 

Art,

 

I'm sorry about that.

 

Wayne has now been removed from the Company All Distribution list.

 

This should keep you from getting any further company postings.

 

You're welcome.  Hey, don't mention it!

 

Eric

 

 

Another satisfied IS Customer!

 

 

The Old Violin

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

T'was battered and scarred and the auctioneer thought

it scarcely worth his while,

 

To waste such time on the old violin, but he held it

up with a smile.

 

"What am I bid, good people," he cried "who'll start

the bidding for me?

 

A dollar? A dollar. Who'll make it two? Two dollars

who'll make it three?

 

Three dollars once, three dollars twice going for

three," but no!

 

 From the room, far back, a gray-bearded man came

forward and picked up the bow.

 

Then wiping the dust from the old violin, and

tightening up the strings,

 

he played a melody, pure and sweet, as sweet as the

angel sings.

 

The music ceased, and the auctioneer with a voice that

was quiet and low said,

 

"What now am I bid for this old violin?" as he held it

up with the bow.

 

"One thousand? One thousand, do I hear two? Two

thousand. Who'll make it three?

 

Three thousand once, three thousand twice, going and

gone!" said he.

 

The audience cheered, but some of them cried, "We just

don't understand.

 

What changed it's worth?" Swift came the reply, "The

touch of the masters hand."

 

And many a man, with life out of tune, all battered

with bourbon and gin,

 

Is auctioned cheap, to a thoughtless crowd, much like

that old violin.

 

A mess of pottage, a glass of wine, a game, and he

travels on.

 

He's going once, he's going twice, he's going and

almost gone.

 

But the Master comes and the foolish crowd never can

quite understand,

 

The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought, by

the Touch of the Masters Hand.

 

~~

 

In New York City, two men were standing at the top of a

skyscraper.  The first man says  "Y'know, these winds

are really something.  I can jump off this building and the

wind will blow me right back on."  The second man says,

"No way, you gotta be kidding.  Let's see it."

 

So Whoop!  Off the first man goes.  Down and down and

down to the 14th floor, where he suddenly reverses

direction and, swoop!  Right back up to the top of the

building. "Hey," the second man says, "that's great!  I'll

try it."

 

Off he goes.  He falls like a rock, down and down and

down and down and SPLAT!  Pavement pizza.

 

Two cops are standing there watching it all and one

says to the other, "You know, that Superman is real

mean when he's drunk."

 

~~

 

Christmas Party Apology

 

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort

of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of

you have called me a "dirty SOB" to my face, I knew I must

have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party.

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and

as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of

apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to

everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and

dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

 

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the

things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much

aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother

a hooker. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story

of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a

figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly

yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never

know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt

your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

 

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense,

I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little

escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister

broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing.

In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of

you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one

of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

 

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that

little prank I played on you. If I had known you were

goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot

worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under

the window you jumped through. She really broke your

fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

 

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned

in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of

knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those

fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And

the water sure is cold!!!

 

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the

door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled

you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you

bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to

pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get

together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes

your plates.

 

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your

clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in

the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to

know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember

where I hid them and you had to go home in that old

sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a

bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

 

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire

seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear

that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

 

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not

telling anyone about it until all the drinks were gone was

even worse. Now that I have apologized to all of you

and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to

come to the picnic.

 

 

Punishment Assigned

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class

one day.  It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on

the chalkboard.  Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in

the class.  She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

 

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

 

"Get out of my classroom," she yelled. "I don't want to see you for

three days."

 

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.  Realizing she had

forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the

chalkboard.  Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another

male student.  She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

 

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

 

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"  This time the punishment

was more severe. "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

 

Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned

around again.  So she bent over to pick it up.  This time there is

an burst of laughter from another male student.  She quickly turned to

see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

 

"Where do you think you are going?" she asked.

 

"Well teacher, based on what I just saw, my school days are over!"

 

A Mother's Love

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

 

Happy Chanukah to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine

considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you

have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing

mother.

 

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll

spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them

anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But

then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their

clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.

 

Thank you so much for the flowers, dear boy. I put them in the

freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.  Which reminds me -- we

buried Grandma last week.  I know she died years ago, but I got to

yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had

the services all over again.  I would have invited you, but I know

that woman you live with would never let you come.  Why, I bet she's

never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

 

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane

beating off a gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry about

me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off

and actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my

constant pain.

 

Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I

know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every

year as well as all those designer clothes your gold-digger demands

you buy her.

 

Give my love to my darling Grandbabies and my regards to

whatever-her-name-is the one who stole you screaming and kicking

from a loving home, and dragged you down to that God forsaken lawless

Sodom she calls a state.

 

Happy New Year.

 

Love,

     MOM

 

 

Festivity Levels

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Festivity Level 1:

Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your

Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano,

sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

 

Festivity Level 2:

Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and

sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments,

singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks

and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

 

Festivity Level 3:

Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I

can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other people's drinks,

wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in

the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

 

Festivity Level 4:

Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are

performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano

is missing. Neighbors have all called 911. Sirens can be heard

approaching in the background.

 

Seriously, you really want to keep your party somewhere around level

3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can

go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is spiked eggnog.

 

HELPFUL TIP:

Often bail bondsmen will give you a group rate if you reach Level 4 on

at least two consecutive Christmas parties.

 

~~

 

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always

one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to

take command.

 

Very often, that individual is crazy.

 

~~

 

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a

counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

 

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says

nothing.

 

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's

dep-p-p-partment?"

 

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

 

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the

m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

 

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

 

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

 

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy

asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's

question?"

 

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I

w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

 

~~

 

I'm not tense.  I'm just terribly, terribly alert.

 

~~

 

            Psychological Christmas Songs

            -----------------------------

 

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

 

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

 

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me))

 

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and

Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the

Halls and Spare No Expense!

 

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.<

 

DEPRESSION: Silent Night, Lonely Night, All is Dark,

All is Fright.

 

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna

Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

 

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle

Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,

Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell

Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle

Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....

 

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open

Fire.

 

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My

True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

 

COCAINE ADDICT - I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas...

 

Mine's Better

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a

block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The

Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was the son

of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.

 

For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch

and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

 

The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their

presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other.

 

The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father

is NOT pleased! "What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you

idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna

settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff.

THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with

another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and

say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"

 

 

Why Hanukkah Is Better Than Xmas...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Hanukkah Special."

 

Eight days of presents (well... in theory, anyway).

 

More elephants in the Hanukkah story.

 

No need to clean the chimney.

 

There's no latke-nog.

 

No roof damage from reindeer.

 

Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe.

 

Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.

 

Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones.

 

You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

 

Betting Hanukkah gelt (money) on candle races.

 

You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."

 

Yes, Rivka'le, there is no Santa Claus.

 

No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."

 

Naked spin-the-dreidel games.

 

No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

 

Fun waxy buildup.

 

No awkward explanations of virgin birth.

 

Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

 

Cheer optional.

 

No Irving Berlin songs.

 

You can't be nailed to the menorah.

 

 

X-mas for Experimental Psychologists

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

With Christmas coming, this is sure to be a big help! A Guide to

Gifts for Experimental Psychologists

 

Rule #1:

When in doubt - get them a copy card from the library with at least a

$100 balance. It does not matter if they already have one. I have a

friend who has over $1700 worth of prepaid copy charges and she has

yet to complain. As an Experimental psychologist, you can never make

too many copies. No one is sure why.

 

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford the $100 copy card, buy them any book containing

the words "homogeneity" or "residual."  Experimental psychologists

love saying those two words. "Hey Georg(e), did you read Cohen's

latest on the tests of homogeneity?"  "Nope, sounds like a good

read. By-the-way, I read an interesting perspective on the inflation

of residuals by Kirk". Again, no one knows why.

 

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy them anything for their lab. A

99-cent screwdriver, a small roll of electrical tape, or a picture of

rats playing poker to hang on the wall. Experimental psychologists

love gifts for their labs.  Again, no one is sure why.

 

Rule #4:

Do not buy Experimental psychologists slacks.  Do not buy them shirts

with buttons.  And never buy them suits.  I was told that if God had

wanted Experimental psychologists to wear suits, he wouldn't have

invented sweat pants and T-shirts.

 

Rule #5:

You can give Experimental psychologists new power supplies to replace

the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your

Experimental psychologist a phase-locked redundant coil

varistor-controlled dual voltage power supply with the LCD displays.

Watch 'em go wild as they flip switches, turn dials, and utter

nonsense about RMS voltage and current loads and the like.

 

Rule #6:

Do not buy an Experimental psychologist any non-alcoholic beer.  If

you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.  Real Experimental

psychologists drink only when alone or with others.

 

Rule #7:

Do not buy any Experimental psychologist industrial-sized canisters

of soap or deodorant.  They do not believe they stink - after all,

the rats (or monkeys) don't seem to mind.

 

Rule #8:

Buy Experimental psychologists label makers.  Almost as good as copy

cards. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely

everywhere. "+28 VDC - Feeder", "+12 VDC - lights",  "DO NOT FEED!",

"Hammer".  You get the idea. No one knows why.

 

Rule #9:

Never buy an Experimental psychologist anything that says "Free the

inner child inside" on the cover.  They will read the entire book and

rant and rave about the lack of parsimony and hopeless tautologies

found within.  It will ruin the 'special day'.

 

Rule #10:

Good places to shop for Experimental psychologists include Harlan,

Purina Feeds, Missoula Ace Hardware, Costco, Radio Shack, JAMECO

electronics, etc. Consolidated Take-Offs and Electronic Clearance

Centers are also excellent stores for Experimental psychologists. It

doesn't matter if they don't know what it is. "Removed from

equipment, eh?  Must be something I need. Hey!  Isn't this a solenoid

from a Sperry 2000?  Wow! Thanks."

 

Rule #11:

Experimental psychologists enjoy fast food.  That's why they end up

in the kitchens of McDonald's - they will serve anything wrapped in

wax paper. Get them a monster box of Waxtex sheets and a deep fryer.

Tell them the oil is fresh and watch them thrill to the challenge! 

"You want fries with that?"

 

Rule #12:

Tickets to a professional conferences are a smart gift. However, they

will not appreciate tickets to "Everybody is special: The Stuart

Smalley initiative on the achievement of the Real you." Everyone

knows why.

 

Rule #13:

Experimental psychologists love Jagermeister.  Never, ever, buy the

Experimental psychologist you love a bottle of Jagermeister.  If you

don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when they

get a label maker.

 

Rule #14:

It's hard to beat a really good pair of wire cutters or an automatic

wire stripper.  Never buy a real Experimental psychologist a

scissors-type wire stripper.  It must be an automatic wire stripper.

No one knows why.

 

Rule #15:

Wire. Experimental psychologists love wire.  It takes us back to our

Engineering origins, or at least the Learning lab.  Nothing says love

like a thousand feet of 16 gauge twisted-strand 6-conductor PVC

coated wire.  No one knows why.

 

~~

 

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

 

~~

 

Last minute shopping driving you insane?  Are your loved

ones dragging you to the stores over and over in search

of that perfect gift?  Well, here are a few things to help

the time go by.  Just remember how much fun you had when

the credit card bills come in...

 

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in

people's carts when they aren't looking.

 

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute

intervals throughout the day.

 

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading

to the restrooms.

 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official

tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and

see what happens.

 

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn

them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

 

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of

gift wrap.

 

7. Put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

 

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others

you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from

Bed and Bath.

 

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry

and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

 

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it

as a mirror while you pick your nose.

 

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a

full-scale battlefield with Pokemon vs. the X-Men.

 

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

 

14. While handling guns in the hunting department,

suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-

depressants are.

 

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors

of the restrooms.

 

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme

from "Mission Impossible."

 

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

 

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna"

look with various funnels.

 

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse

through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

 

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,

assume "It's those voices again!"

 

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink;

explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they

can put a little umbrella in it.

 

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey,

we're out of toilet paper in here!"

 

 

 

Ewe

-=-=-=-=-

 

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's,

pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey

Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?"

 

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman.

 

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at S. Klein's downtown!"

 

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at

Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."

 

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"

 

 

 

Full Value of the Gifts

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Day 1... Dear Emile,

Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty

rice and it was delicious. I doan think the Pear tree would grow here

in da swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.

 

Day 2...Dear Emile,

Your letter said you sent 2 turdle doves, but all I got was 2 scrawny

pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille and made some gumbo.

 

Day 3...Dear Emile,

Why doan you send me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn

birds. I gave 2 of those prissy french chickens to Mrs. Breaux over at

Grand Bayou and fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Mrs. Breaux

needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.

 

Day 4...Dear Emile,

Mon Deaux!! I tole you no more friggen birds, cher. Deez 4 what you

call "calling birds," dey so noisy you could hear dem all the way to

Napoleonville. I used der necks for my crab traps and fed the rest to

the gators out back.

 

Day 5...Dear Emile,

You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I

hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enough money to fix

my mud boat, and buy a round for da boys at da Rasin' Cane Lounge.

Merci Beaucoup.

 

Day 6...Dear Emile,

Are you Coullion? Back to da birds again, you coonass turkey you! Poor

Phideaux is scared to death of dem six geese. He tried to eat der eggs

and they picked the heack out ah his shout.

 

Day 7...Dear Emile,

I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Boudreaux, the

mailman is ready to kill you. The mess from all dose birds is stinkin

up his mailboat. He's afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue

him. I let dose seven swans loose to swim on da bayou, and some duck

hunters from Lake Charles blasted dem out of da water. Talk to you

tomorrow.

 

Day 8...Dear Emile,

Poor old Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem

8 maids a milking & their cows. One of da cows got spooked by da

alligators and almost tipped over da boat.

 

Day 9...Dear Emile,

What you tryin to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Lutcher Ferry to

carry these jumping twits you call Lords-a-leaping cross da bayou. As

soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know

what dat means, but I says you get Chickory coffee or nuthin.  P.S Dem

cows ate all my turnip greens.

 

Day 10...Dear Emile,

You must be out of your mind. If da mailman don't kill you, I will.

Today he delivered 10 "Ladies dancing" but dey don't act much like

ladies in front of those Limey twits. Dey almost left after one of dem

got bit by a water mocassin over by my outhouse.

 

Day 11...Dear Emile,

Your 11 Pipers Pipping arrived today from the House of Blues, second

lining as dey got off the mailboat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef

jumbalaya, finished off da wiskey and we're havin a fais-do-do

tonight. Boudreaux jumped off the Sunshine bridge last yesterday,

screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in the

mail, don't open it.

 

Day 12...Dear Emile,

I'm sorry to tell you, but I'm not your true love anymore. After the

fais-do-do, I spent the night with Jacque, the head piper. We decided

to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on da bayou. The floozies,

pardon me, Ladies dancing, can make $20 for a table dance, and the

lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since the maids have

no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my

trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a

million dollars next year!

 

~~

 

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation

turns to sex and then birth control.

 

The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

 

The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm

method."

 

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer

method."

 

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" the

others ask.

 

"Well, I'm five foot eleven . . . and my husband is five

foot two. We make love standing up with him standing

on a bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers I

kick the bucket out from under him."

 

 

Biggest Shmucks

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table,

reading the paper after breakfast.  He came across an article about

a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was

known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

 

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face.

"I'll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most

attractive wives."

 

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

 

The Letter

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.  She writes:

 

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a

"honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.  I was feeling particularly

sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir

performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought

the sticker and put it on my bumper.

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in

thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that

the light had changed.  It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus

because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that

LOTS of people love Jesus!

 

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like

crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the

love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant

cheerleader he was for Jesus!

 

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started

waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn

a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from

Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a

"sunny beach"...

 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger

stuck up in the air.  Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back

seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good

luck sign or something.

 

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window

and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out

laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!  A

couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that

they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is

when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters

and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

 

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before

the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave

them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down,

leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck

sign one last time as I drove away.

 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

 

Grandma

 

 

X-Rated Christmas

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

This beautiful young lady was going to spend Christmas Eve all

alone. She had just finished her shower and dressed for bed in her

sexy, new nighty, when she heard something in the living room. She

put on her robe and went to investigate. Much to her surprise and

delight, she saw Santa with his bag of goodies, standing there.

 

She sat down on the sofa and ask Santa if he could stay awhile, and

keep her company.

 

He replied, "HO, HO, HO, I've got to go. I've got more presents to

deliver, you know!"

 

She squirmed and let her robe slide open and  said, "Santa, I'm

really lonely and alone.  Please, won't you come over, set down here

and stay with me."

 

Santa said, " HO HO HO , I gotta go.  I've still got a lot more

presents to deliver, you know !"

 

By now, she was really wanting some male company. Quickly, she

opened her robe and really gave him an eye full, and said, "NOW

Santa, I know you want stay awhile with me."

 

With a smile on his face and eyeing this lovely sight, he said "HO

HO hey, I gotta stay.  Cause I can't get up the chimney this way!"

 

~~

 

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be

able to say it.

 

~~

 

After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go

out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes

crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon

everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other

and end up going home separately.

 

The next day at the office, the three gather by the water

cooler to discuss the past evening's events.

 

The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went

home and blew chunks."

 

The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk

that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone

pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt, but now I have no car."

 

The third guy says, "You think that's bad, I got so drunk

that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and

knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire.

She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and

the home insurance won't cover the damage."

 

The first guy motions the two to come closer and

whispers, "I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my

dog."

 

Correspondence

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

 

Copies of correspondence RE: The 12 Days of Christmas.

 

Dec. 14. 1998

 

From:

Ms. Monica Star

69 Cash St.

Tangelo, FL 99999

 

To:

Mr. John Dough

100 Big Bucks Blvd.

Boka Cheeka, FL $$$$$

 

My Dearest John,

 

I went to the door today and the postman delivered: One (1) PARTRIDGE IN

A PEAR TREE. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more

surprised.

 

With deepest love and devotion,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 15, 1998

 

From: Monica Star

 

Dearest John,

 

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: Two (2)

TURTLE DOVES! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift . They are just

adorable.

 

With all my love and affection,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 16, 1998

 

From: Monica Star

 

My Dear John,

 

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I must really protest. I don't

deserve such generosity. What should arrive in the mail, but Three (3)

FRENCH HENS. They are just darling, but I must insist you,ve been too

kind.

 

With lots of love,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 17, 1998

 

From: Monica Star

 

My Dear John,

 

Today the postman delivered: Four (4) CALLING BIRDS. Now really, they are

beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being just too

romantic.

 

Love,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 18, 1998

 

Oh Dear John,

 

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered: Five (5) GOLDEN RINGS; one

for each finger. You're just impossible, and I love you. But let me tell

you, frankly all those birds squawking are beginning to get on my nerves.

 

Affectionately,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 19, 1998

 

From: Monica Star

 

Dear John,

 

When I opened the door today, there were actually: Six (6) GEESE-A-LAYING

in front of my porch. So we're back to the birds again, eh? Those Geese

are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and

I can't sleep through all the racket. Please Stop!

 

Cordially,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 20, 1998

 

From: Monica Star

 

John,

 

What's with you and those darn birds? Today it was: Seven (7)

SWANS-A-SWIMMING in a pool on my front porch. So we're back to more birds

again. What kind of sick joke is this? There is bird poop all over my

house, and they never stop with the noise. I can't sleep at night and I'm

a nervous wreck. It's really not funny. So STOP with those miserable

birds.

 

Sincerely,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 21, 1998

 

From: Monica Star

 

O.K. Buster!

 

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with: Eight

(8) MAIDS-A-MILKING? It's not enough with all those filthy birds, and 8

maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their damned cows. There is now

cow manure all over the lawn; the grass is dying; and I can't even move

in my own house. Just lay off me, wise guy!

 

Yours truly,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 22, 1998

 

From: Monica Star

 

Hey Meathead:

 

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there are: None (9) PIPERS

PLAYING. Man do they play! They've never stopped chasing those 8 Maids

since they got here this morning. The cows are getting upset, and they

are stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The

neighbors are circulating a Petition to Evict me.

 

You'll Get Yours!

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 23, 1998

 

From: Monica Star

 

You Dirty No-Brainer:

 

To top it off, Fed-Ex came and delivered: Ten (10) LADIES DANCING. I

don't know how you can call those immoral broads "ladies". They have been

balling those Pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep, and they now

have diarrhea. My living room is a river of smelly cow manure. The City

Housing Commissioner has subpoenaed me to Show Cause why the building I

live in should not be condemned. I have reported you to the City Police,

the County Sheriff's Office, and the State Highway Patrol, The FBI and

the CIA have refused to intervene though I have pleaded with them.

 

One Who Really Means It!

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 24, 1998

 

 From Monica Star

 

Listen You Rotten Swine,

 

You are really pushing it. What's with the: Eleven (11) LORDS-A-LEAPING

that came via UPS? They are leaping all over those Maids and Ladies. Some

of those females will never walk again. Those Pipers ran through the

Maids and have been trying to commit sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the

Birds are dead; they were trampled to death in this filthy orgy. I hope

you are satisfied you miserable excuse for a human.

 

Your Sworn Enemy,

 

Monica

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dec. 26, 1998

 

 From the Offices of:

 

BADGER, BENDER & KRAMMER, P.A.

Attorneys & Counsellors at Law

4 Liability Avenue

Cotton Mouth Swamp, FL ?????

 

Mr. John Dough

100 Big Bucks Blvd.

Boka Cheeka, FL $$$$$

 

Re: Monica Star vs. John Dough

 

Dear Sir:

 

This letter will acknowledge receipt by Express Mail of your latest

alleged gift of:

 

Twelve (12) FIDDLERS-A-FIDDLING

 

which you have seen fit to inflict on our new client, Ms. Monica Star.

You are no doubt aware that the destruction of her home was total.

 

Therefor all future correspondence should be sent to our attention. Since

we have obtained a Restraining Order against you, you are hereby ordered

not to make any attempt to communicate with Ms. Star who has now been

committed to the Happy Days Sanitarium and Funny Farm located in Fort

Alligator, FL.

 

We have been informed by her doctors (all psychiatrists), that if she

should see you, she will in all likelihood attempt to kill you; and if

she should succeed her defense will no doubt be Justifiable Homicide.

 

Please note that enclosed with this letter is a copy of the

Injunction/Restraining Order along with a Warrant for your Arrest.

 

Cordially and Seasons Greetings!

 

Badger, Bender & Krammer, P.A.

 

 

Just the Two of Us

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One summer, the company that Morris worked for transferred

him to another city.  Morris was told that he had

to take a new physical with the company doctor to continue to be employed.

 

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked

that Morris had the smallest penis he'd ever seen. "Do

you have any difficulties with it being so small?"

the doctor asked.

 

"Heck, no," Morris said. "I've got a wife, three kids,

and we have a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a

problem finding it in the daytime."

 

"What about at night?" the doctor asked.

 

"Nights are no problem," Morris said, "because at night,

there are two of us looking for it!"

 

 

Choosey

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says,

"Hello, little girl. What's your name?"

 

She says, "Rosepetal."

 

He says, "That's a nice name."

 

She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a rose petal fell on my head and

My daddy's called me Rosepetal ever since."

 

The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?"

 

She says, "Yeah."

 

The priest says, "What's his name?"

 

She says, "Porky."

 

He says, "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork."

 

She says, "No. He likes to fuck pigs."

 

 

Dad  Speaks

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

My dad always says:

 

- If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

 

- I don't get even, I get odder.

 

- I am having an out of money experience.

 

- I am in shape. Round is a shape.

 

- Insanity is hereditary . . . You get it from your kids

 

- I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

 

- Practice safe eating; always use condiments.

 

- You're never too old to learn . . . Especially if you have Alzheimer's.

 

- Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

 

- Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

 

- It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

 

- People who live is glass houses . . . Never get any privacy

 

- If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

 

- Too many cooks . . . Make more mess

 

- If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the

  floor.

 

- I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

 

- I do weight-lifting every morning -- Getting out of bed!

 

- Sticks and stones, may break my bones -- But whips and chains excite me.

 

 

The Kiss

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.  They

Never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.  However, one day

He saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and

Asked her what they were doing.

 

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a

Girl will die that very minute!"

 

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to

One of the sweetest girls around town.  She knew that he had never been kissed

before.

 

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but

He resisted.  She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."

 

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"

 

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." 

With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

 

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"

She said, "Why are you going to die??"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to

Get stiff!!"

 

~~

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down

the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can

help him. He answers that he looking for a box of

tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton

balls on the counter.

 

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for

tampons for your wife?"

 

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the

store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came

home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So,

I figure, she too can roll her own."

 

 

 

Warning Labels

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Some warning texts from actual packaging around the world:

 

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed

through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on

consumer goods:

 

On Sears hairdryer:  Do not use while sleeping.

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

 

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

 

On a bar of Dial soap:  Directions: Use like regular soap.

(...and that would be how?...)

 

On some Swann frozen dinners:  Serving suggestion: Defrost.

(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

 

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:  Fits one head.

(But I like to shower with a friend!)

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):  Do not

turn upside down. (Too late!  You lose!)

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:  Product will be hot after

heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:  Do not iron clothes on body.

(But wouldn't that save more time?)

 

On Boot's children's cough medicine:  Do not drive car or operate

machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction

accidents if we just kept those 5-year-olds off those fork lifts.)

 

On Nytol sleep aid:  Warning: may cause drowsiness.

(One would hope so!)

 

On a Korean kitchen knife:  Warning keep out of children.

(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

 

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:  For indoor or

outdoor use only. (As opposed to the alternative...which would

be?...)

 

On a Japanese food processor:  Not to be used for the other use.

(Now I'm curious.)

 

On Sainsbury's peanuts:  Warning: contains nuts.

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:  Instructions: open packet,

eat nuts.

 

On a Swedish chainsaw:  Do not attempt to stop chain with your

hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)

 

On a child's Superman costume:  Wearing of this garment does not

enable you to fly. (That's right: destroy those universal childhood

dreams)

 

 

Being 8 Years-Old Again

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.  I have

decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old

again.

 

*I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star

restaurant.

 

*I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk

with rocks.

 

*I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

 

*I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my

friends on a hot summer's day.

 

*I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew

were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that

didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and

you didn't care.  All you knew was to be happy because you were

blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or

upset.

 

*I want to think the world is fair.  That everyone is honest and good.

 

*I want to believe that anything is possible.

 

*I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly

excited by the little things again.

 

*I want to live simple again.  I don't want my day to consist of

computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to

survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank,

doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

 

*I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,

justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels

in the snow.

 

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and

my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.  And if

you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first,

cause... "Tag! You're it."

 

~~

 

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The

waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man

and hands him a menu.

 

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.

Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll

smell it and order from there."

 

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish

pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind

man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the

fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes

that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

 

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks

towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the

owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days

later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly

brings him a menu again.

 

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

 

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty

fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it

to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind

man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and

cheese with broccoli."

 

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks

the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his

wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going

to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

 

He returns the following week, but this time the owner

sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his

wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it

to the blind man."

 

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As

the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready

and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered

you and I already have the fork ready for you."

 

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep

whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked

here!"

 

~~

 

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around.

Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to

Spiderman's house. "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger

and a beer!" Spiderman says "No can do, Supe. I've got

a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime

tomorrow without it".

 

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's

up. "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!"

Batman replies "Not today, my friend. My Batmobile is

down and I can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

 

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around

the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment.

And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none

other than Wonder Woman, lying on the deck, spread-

eagled, stark-naked!

 

Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm

faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered

what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he

zoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is

gone before anyone can notice.

 

All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What

was that?" The Invisible Man gets off her and replies,

"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"

 

~~

 

January 3, 2000

 

 

Dear Valued Employee:

 

Re:  Vacation Pay

 

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation

time over the past  100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware,

employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay

in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for

every 5 years of service.

 

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office

and your next  pay check will reflect payment of

$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for

the past 1,200 months.

 

Sincerely,

 

Automated Payroll Processing

 

 

Too Many

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of

cars all traveling at the same speed.  However, as they passed a

speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was

pulled over.

 

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was

about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was

speeding, but I don't think it's fair.  There were plenty of other

cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

 

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

 

"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

 

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

 

 

 

 

The Performance

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

While away at a convention, Morris happened to meet a young lady was

both beautiful and intelligent.  Later, after he had persuaded her to

disrobe in his hotel room, he discovered with delight that she had a

superb body, as well.  Unfortunately, he found himself with a limp

dick, unable to *perform.*

 

Upon his return home, the first night, Morris strode from the shower

into the bedroom, where he discovered his wife dressed in a rumpled

bathrobe, hair up in curlers, night cream slathered on her face,

munching Doritos while she flipped thru a 'Glamour' magazine.

 

Without warning, he felt the familiar stirrings of a magnificent,

throbbing erection.

 

Looking down at this spectacle, he quietly snarled, "Why, you

ungrateful, mixed-up, stupid son of a penis.  Now I know why they

call you a prick!"

 

~~

 

  A Poor Bihari villager named GANPATRAI (who really needs a job), is

being interviewed by a Britisher, Colonel Smith :

         Col. Smith: Haan toh, gand fatrahai (Ganpatrai)!!

         Bihari: Nahi sir, jyada nahi!!

         Col. Smith: Kya 'jyada nahi' bolta hai, tumhara application me

         Likha hua  hai Gand fatrahai.

         Bihari : Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fatraha hoga.

         Col. Smith: Tum Daily marata hai  (tum delhi me rahta hai)??

         Bihari : Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!!

         Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, idar aaoo,  kya 'kabhi kabhi' bolta

         hai?

         Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum Daily   marata hai.

         Bihari : Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marata hounga.

         The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever

         Col. Smith's family asks him to do.

         Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai!!

         Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.

         Col. Smith: Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai

         Ganpatrai : hukum Sarkaar

         Col. Smith: Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off)

         Phir hamaari biwi  ko chodenga aur uske baad hum ko chodenga.

         Ganpatrai : Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai,

         Lekin main aap ko nahi choddh sakta.

         Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, Tum ko hum ko chodhnaa padhega.

         Ganpatrai : Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare.

         Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chodhsakta to hum

         tumko nokri se nikaal denga.

         Ganpatrai : Theek hai sarkaar ....jo hukum.

         After a few days there is no one except Col. Smith's wife at home.

         She is alone in her bedroom. While wearing her bra she is unable to tie

         the damn knot behind. So......

         Wife : Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?

         Ganpatrai : Ji Maalkin.

         Wife : Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro (gaanth maro).

         Ganpatrai : Yeh kya keh rahi hai Maalkin.

         Wife : Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai.

         Ganpatrai : Nahi Nahi Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar

         kacha kha jayenge.

         Wife : Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hammari gaand nahi maari

         to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi.

         Ganpatrai : Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum.

         Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time

         starts fucking like a bull.

         Panic striken .. the wife tries to turn and shouts:

         Wife : GAND FATRAHAI,  GAND FATRAHAI,  GAND FATRAHAI !!!

         Ganpatrai : Memsaab...Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega hee!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Poor Jim

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Jim was in a terrible wreck.  He was taken to the hospital where he

remained comatose for two weeks and when he awake he was ravenous.

Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could

have something to eat. 

 

She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut.  I can't

think of anything that you could eat in that condition."

 

"Well, could I 'pwease' have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through

clenched jaw.

 

"We'll try," the nurse told him.  "Maybe we can get a straw between

your teeth."  But try as they would, it just wouldn't go.  Jim

grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until

the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema"

 

She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim

winced and  drew up.  "Is it too hot?" the nurse asked.

 

"No, but could you put some sugar in it?!"

 

Language Please

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

After years of his wife's pleading, the rich, good old boy finally

went with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning.  He was

so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to

shake his hand.

 

He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever

did hear!"

 

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please,

I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's

house."

 

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself. It was such a damn

good sermon, sir!"

 

"PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

 

"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought

it was so damn good, I put $5,000.00 in that there collection

plate."

 

"NO SHIT?"

 

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales

begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

 

The father replied, "No, honey, there is a lot of fairy

tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...' "

 

~~

 

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr.

Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers

like you."

 

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised,"

admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and

always pay late."

 

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers

like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

 

 

Stay Away

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter.

 

His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?"

 

"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man. "It's from someone

who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."

 

"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."

 

"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous."

 

Knowledge From Movies

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

 

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a

strip club at least once.

 

All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit

level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside

her.

 

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French

Bread.

 

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in

the control tower to talk them down.

 

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

 

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.

No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can

travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

 

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition

- even if you haven't been carrying any before then.

 

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make

the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back

home.

 

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will

not be necessary to speak the language, a German accent will do.

 

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer

beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his

forthcoming art exhibition.

 

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

 

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but

will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

 

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through

it before long.

 

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a

passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

 

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a

bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be

the exact fare.

 

Breeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in

the universe.

 

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always

say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW

 

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

 

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of

Yankee Stadium.

 

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

 

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

 

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending

phone conversations.

 

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to

turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few

moments.

 

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red

readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.  The

green wire disarms them.

 

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you're

visiting.

 

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into

will know all the dance steps.

 

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the

communication systems of any alien civilization.  Passwords are

guessed in three attempts.

 

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight

involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack

you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you

have knocked out their predecessors.

 

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they

will never suffer a concussion or brain damage and nobody involved in

a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien

invasion will ever go into shock.

 

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make

sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total

opposite.

 

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each

other.

 

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -

unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped

inside.

 

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no

lasting damage to an eight year old child.

 

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you

personally at that precise moment and it is not necessary to listen

to the complete news bulletin.

 

~~

 

The Father, passing through his son's college town late

one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a

surprise visit to the boy.

 

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door.

After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted

down from a second floor window. "Whaddya want?"

 

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

 

"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch

and we'll take care of him in the morning."

 

~~

 

The Real Man Test

 

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.

Knowing this, women will come far in understanding men and

enriching their own lives if they carefully review the

"C" answers.

 

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the

Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a

token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a

small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable

of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of

clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and

permanently eliminating oppression and violence all

over the entire Earth.

 

You decide to:

 

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

 

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United

Nations.

 

C. Take it apart.

 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful

life do you miss the most?

 

A. Innocence.

 

B. Idealism.

 

C. Cherry bombs.

 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

 

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection

without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

 

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

 

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and

this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know

that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

 

A. A cat.

 

B. A dog.

 

C. A dog that eats cats.

 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years.

She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy

being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two

of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football

game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out

of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really

loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of

not knowing where your relationship is going. She says

she's not asking whether you want to get married; only

whether you believe that you have some kind of future

together. What do you say?

 

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a

future, but you don't want to rush it.

 

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her,

you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime

soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want

to hurt her by holding out false hope.

 

C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw

play on third and seventeen.

 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a

woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with

her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to

offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

 

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after

dinner.

 

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you

say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea

breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her

eyes, you tell her.

 

C. Tell her what?

 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill

and asks you to get your three children ready for school.

Your first question to her is:

 

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

 

B. "They're in school already?"

 

C. "There are three of them?"

 

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

8.  Your girlfriend/wife decides to join you for a

"night out with the boys", but becomes tired around

midnight.  You tell her:

 

A. "Yes, darling, let's go home and snuggle."

 

B. "Just let me finish this pool game."

 

C. "Here's a few bucks... the bartender will call you a cab."

 

 

Pest Control

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a

pest-control company.  One afternoon they were carrying on in the

bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"  She

bundled him in the closet stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the

bedroom discovered the man in the closet.  "Who are you?" he asked

him.

 

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

 

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

 

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the

man replied.

 

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

 

 

 

That's Impossible

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope.  After receiving

the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for

you.  If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our

daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we

will donate $500 million dollars to the Church."

 

The Pope responds saying, "That's impossible, my son.  The Prayer is

the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

 

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to

the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day

our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

 

Again the Pope replies "As I said, that's impossible!  The Prayer is

the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

 

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer.  I will give

you a day to consider it.  We will donate $5 billion to the church if

you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily

bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he

leaves.

 

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to inform

them of some good news and some bad news:  "The good news is that

the Church has come into $5 billion.  The bad news is that we are

losing The Wonderbread Account!"

 

~~

 

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and

suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and is in for

trouble when he gets home. "No problem" says his friend,

"Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom crawl up

under the blanket between her legs and do a little oral

sex! She'll forget all about being mad and fall right

asleep."

 

So the guy gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps

in as quietly as he can and tiptoes into his bedroom.

Following his friend's advice, he proceeds under the

blanket and does the deed to gentle moaning and finally,

soft snoring.

 

Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the bathroom to

change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of

his wife sitting on the commode.

 

"Shhhhhhh........" she says, "Mother's in town."

 

 

Nice Nuts

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped

the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around,

he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the

bartender at the end of the bar.

 

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man

called the bartender over.

 

"Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender.

 

"I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a

soul in here but us."

 

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

 

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

 

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're

complimentary."

 

 

That's a Lot

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Q:  How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a

light bulb?

 

A:  1,331: 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list

that the light bulb has been changed

 

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the

light bulb could have been changed differently.

 

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

 

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing

light bulbs.

 

53 to flame the spell checkers

 

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light

bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

 

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

 

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take

this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

 

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and

alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

 

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use

light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail

list.

 

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,

where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best

for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

 

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

 

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post

corrected URLs.

 

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to

this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

 

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all

headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

 

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they

cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

 

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

 

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

 

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

 

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,

leave it here.

 

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

 

~~

 

An old man was walking down the street when he saw a small

boy sitting on the curb crying. He stopped and asked,

"Little boy, why are you crying?"

 

The little boy lifted his tear-stained face to the man and

mumbled, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys

do."

 

So the old man sat beside him and cried, too.

 

~~

 

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and

they wanted to do some ice fishing.

 

They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up

there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before

they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all

their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice

pick."

 

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours,

one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to

need another dozen ice picks."

 

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions,

but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

 

In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need

all the ice picks you've got."

 

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he

asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

 

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the

boat in the water yet."

 

The Ex

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for

his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of

cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have

anything for ex-wives."

 

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an

'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

 

"Really?"

 

"Yes sir. They're called darts."

 

 

Ice Cream Man

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Carlos the ice-cream man's van was parked at the side of the road.

Lights flashing, music playing, a big group of excited kids

stretched down the street waiting.  But no sign of Carlos.

 

A policeman walking down the road wondered what was going on. Where

is Carlos? Why is he not handing out the ice-cream? He went over to

the van and peered over the high counter.

 

On the floor he spotted Carlos, lying very still, covered in

chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and

those little jelly bits. "Get back kids," he shouted.  Moving away so

the bemused kids cannot overhear him, he got on the radio to the

station.

 

"Sarge, get someone down here quick!" he mutters, "it's Carlos the

ice-cream man......He's topped himself!"

 

The sarge answers, "It's to be expected. Today's Sunday!"

 

~~

 

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard

time walking.  He is hunched over. He goes up to the counter

and says, "Banana Split, please."

 

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"

 

The old man says, "No, Arthritis."

 

~~

 

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in

Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if

the place is still bugged?"

 

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind

the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,

he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four

screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the

screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

 

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the

newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service?

How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

 

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these

questions?"

 

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room

UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on

them."

 

Medical Q & A

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A. Have sex only once a year.

 

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.  What

     if my baby is born with say... type AB-positive?

A. Then the jig is up.

 

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be

     beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about

     this?

A. Your therapist.

 

Q. I'm two months pregnant now.  When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

 

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and

    genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as

    well.  Is this true?

A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

 

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's

     borderline irrational.

A. So what's your question?

 

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my

     wife is in labor?

A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

 

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

 

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.

 

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and

     act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

 

 

Not Guilty

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank

robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations

and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The

judge turns to the jury foreman and asks:

 

"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

 

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

 

"Would you please pass it to me,"

 

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the

verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

 

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict

slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs

the foreman,

 

"Please read your verdict to the court."

 

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank

robbery," stated the foreman.

 

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of

the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout

expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to

his client and asks:

 

"So, what do you think about that?"

 

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered

look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says:

 

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the

money back?"

 

Burger King, Not

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR JOB AT BURGER KING ISN'T WORKING OUT:

 

16. Your incessant "Heh, heh, he said, 'Buns.'" is really getting on

your supervisor's nerves.

 

15. What you thought was an innovative way to keep both you and the

meat patties warm turns out to violate several health code

standards.

 

14. Your salary just can't support that $200-a-night hooker habit.

 

13. Nomination as the Republican Party candidate is just one big

time conflict.

 

12. Boss fires your slacker butt after realizing that you're not

"Herb" after all.

 

11. Flame broiled, my ass!?  (No really, I flame broiled my ass!)

 

10. Latest inventory shows chocolate shake supplies usage has tripled

since you were hired and you need a bigger uniform every three days.

 

9. Those "special orders" not only upset you, they make you postal!

 

8. You get caught asking customers in the men's room if they'd "like

to supersize that?"

 

7. Supervisor's insistence on hairnets for your armpits was the last

straw.

 

6. Some young punk with just three years on the job steals your

assistant fry boy position.

 

5. Just no fun anymore to get liquored up, head for the arches and

kick some McButt.

 

4. Arrested one too many times for using your "built-in organic onion

ring circumference measuring device."

 

3. "No shake for you, Lard Ass!" doesn't really reflect your sincere

concern about the customer's health.

 

2. You deep-fry your right arm, hoping it'll make you more

"presidential."

 

And the Number 1 Sign Your Job at Burger King Isn't Working Out...

 

1. When you hand out paper crowns to kids, you say, "Here you go!

Now you're the King of the Snot-Nosed Little Bastards!"

 

 

Wee!  Higher!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the

door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half  past

three in the morning.  "I'm not getting out of bed at this  time," he

thinks, and rolls over.  Then, a louder knock follows.

 

"Aren't you going to answer that?"  says his wife.

 

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.  He opens the

door and there is a man standing at the door.  It doesn't take the

homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

 

"Hi there," slurs the stranger.  "Can you give me a push?"

 

"No, get lost!  It's half past three!  I was in bed!" screams the

man as he slams the door.  He goes back up to bed and tells his wife

what happened.

 

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.  Remember that

night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids

up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to

get us started again?  What would have happened if he'd told us to

get lost?"

 

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

 

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it

would be nice to help him."

 

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes

downstairs.  He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere

in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a  push?"

 

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

 

"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

 

The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

In Laws

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.

 

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said this: 

 

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was

down to my last nickel.  I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent

the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold

the apple for ten cents.

 

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent

the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd

accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

 

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

 

Van Gogh Family in the Philippines

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Introducing. . . the Van Gogh Family in the Philippines

 

Granduncle who was tortured during World War II. . .Lahti Gogh

 

A cousin who's a cuckold (natorotot, in other words). . . Gina Ga Gogh

 

A Polynesian cousin who's a lush (drunkard baga). . .La Singh Gogh

 

In-law who is part of the Mafia. . .Vinny Lang Gogh

 

European-Chinese aunt who doesn't care who smells her. . .

Dina Lee Li Gogh

 

The dermatologist cousin. . .Dr. Kuh Lou Gogh

 

The olympian athlete niece. . .Reddy Ghetzet Gogh

 

The absconding uncle from Spain. . .Juan Tootree Gogh

 

The cousin who sells sweepstakes tickets. . .Vino Bolah Salin Gogh

 

The uncle who works at the Sta Ana race tracks. . .Deer Dee Gogh

 

The gourmet uncle from Hawaii. . .Haluhalu Widsa Gogh

 

The uncle left by wife. . .Pleez Don Gogh

 

The wife who left uncle. . .Ivana Gogh

 

The map specialist uncle. . .Ver Doo Vee Gogh

 

Niece whom everyone was ashamed of. . .Tina Gogh

 

Vegetarian uncle. . .Mung Gogh

 

Cousin afflicted with the same disease as Michael Jackson. . .

Vittie Lai Gogh

 

Auntie who's producer of violent films. . .Purudu Gogh

 

Cousin who works at the Manila Zoo. . .Chung Gogh

 

Rich uncle who owns a chain of fast food restaurants. . .

Forheer Ortoo Gogh

 

Cowboy American relative who owns a bank. . .Wells Far Gogh

 

Cousin who's a Shakespearean actor. . .Eeya Gogh

 

Smelly uncle. . .Ahyaw Malee Gogh

 

The cousin who always leads a coup. . .Gring Gogh

 

The cousin who does not have a girl kasi palaging busted. . . Bi Gogh

 

The Van Gogh favorite Pinoy Talk show. . .Showbiz Lin Gogh

 

The favorite fish. . .Besu Gogh

 

The cousin who lives in Muntinlupa. . .Bilang Gogh

 

The cousin in the Philippine cabinet. . .Lina Li Gogh

 

The mabango cousin. . . Li Gogh Nang Li Gogh

 

The mabaho cousin. . .Dehins Li Gogh

 

The cousin who is always out on weekends. . .Go Na Gogh

 

The insomniac cousin. . .Kuwa Gogh

 

The assassin relative. . .Verdu Gogh

 

Vinny Lang Gogh's brother who sold him out. . .Testee Gogh

 

The family driver. . .Laging Nabubung Gogh

 

His replacement. . .Laging Binubung Gogh

 

Another replacement (the first one's brother). . .

Hindipa Nabubung Gogh

 

The one they have now (and the family mechanic too). . .

Sagad Sabung Gogh

 

How come they replaced the third one?. . . Nasagasaan kasi.

 

What to say when you invite the Van Gogh family out. . . Let's Gogh

 

Those who don't get this joke after reading for the second time...

Mas Ga Gogh

 

Those who don't get it at all. . . Pinaka Ga Gogh

 

Those who find this corny. . .Gogh away

 

Those who don't like these jokes at all. . .Please Gogh

 

~~

 

A small, balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded,

"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so

upset I can't even see straight!"

 

The bartender, noticing that the little man was a bit the

worse for wear, poured him a double of whiskey.

 

The man swilled down the drink and said,"Gimme another!"

 

The bartender poured the drink, but said, "Now, before

I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam

and tell me why you're so upset?"

 

So the man began his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the

bar next door when this gorgeous blond sauntered in,

and actually sat beside me at the bar. I thought, Wow!

This has never happened before. You know, it was kind

of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes

later I felt this hand moving around in my lap, and

the blond leaned over, licked my ear, and asked if I

was interested! I couldn't believe this was happening!

I managed to nod my head, so she grabbed my hand, and

started walking out of the bar. So of course I went

with her. This was just too good to be true! She took

me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her

room. As soon as she shut the door she slipped out of

her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it

didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes!

 

But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some

keys jingling, and someone started fumbling with the

door. The blond said, 'Oh my gosh, it's my boyfriend.

He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's

gonna be real mad! Quick, hide!' So I opened the

closet, but I figured that was probably the first

place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I

looked under the bed, but no, I figured he was bound

to look there too. By now I could hear the key in the

lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out

and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the

guy wouldn't see me."

 

The bartender said, "Well I can see how you might be a

bit frustrated at this point."

 

"Well, yeah, but the guy finally got the door open and

he yelled out, 'Who you been sleeping with now?' The

girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm

down.'

 

Well, the guy started tearing up the room. I heard him

tear the door off the closet and throw it across the

room. I was thinking, Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in

there. Then I heard him lift up the bed and throw it

across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there

either.

 

Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the

window?' I thought, Oh crap, I'm dead meat now. But

the blond by now was trying real hard to distract him

and convince him to stop looking. Well, I heard the guy

go into the bathroom, and I heard water running for a

long time, and I figured maybe he was gonna take a bath

or something, when all of a sudden he poured a pitcher

of scalding  hot water out of the window right on top of

my head! I mean look at this, I got second-degree burns

all over my scalp and shoulders!"

 

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have enraged me

for sure."

 

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy started

slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean,

look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly

hold onto this glass."

 

The bartender looked at the guy's hands and said, "Yeah,

buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

 

"No, that wasn't what really ticked me off."

 

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, what

did finally tick you off?"

 

"Well, I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked

down, and I was only about six inches off the ground!"

 

~~

 

Tech Report

    

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is

faulty.

    

Tech: What's the problem?

    

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

    

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

    

User: No, I don't!  I just need to change the startup

files.

    

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty.  You'll need to

replace it.

    

User: No way!  Someone told me that I just needed to

change the startup files and it will fix the problem!

All I need is for you to tell me the command.

    

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they

are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

    

Tech: Sorry, Sir.  We don't normally tell our customers

this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will

fix the problem.

    

User: I knew it!

    

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM  at the end of

the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

    

Ten minutes later.

    

User: It didn't work.  The power supply is still smoking.

    

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

    

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

    

Tech: That's your problem there.  That version of DOS

didn't come with NOSMOKE.  Contact Microsoft and ask them

for a patch that will give you the file.  Let me know how

it goes.

    

One hour later.

    

User: I need a new power supply.

    

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

    

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you

said, and he started asking questions about the make of

power supply.

    

Tech: Then what did he say?

    

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible

with NOSMOKE.

 

Above All, Don't Panic

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

 

If you receive a gift in the shape of a large Wooden horse, do not

download it!! It is extremely destructive. It will overwrite your

entire city!

 

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories

tall.

 

It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be

abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! 

 

It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming,

including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy

your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.

 

If you have already received such a "gift," DO NOT OPEN IT!

Wheel it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the

beach.

 

Forward this message to everyone you don't know!

 

Poseidon

 

 

Sex Calorie Counter

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Did you see the warning.  Then please back up and read it!  ;-)

Ok, you've been warned...

 

 

ACTIVITY                                CALORIES BURNED

 

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner`s consent.............       12

Without partner`s consent......          187

 

 

UNHOOKING BRA

Using two calm hands..............         7

 

Using one trembling hand........          36

 

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner...........................15

Dragging partner along floor.......       16

Using skateboard.......................    3

 

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS

For normal healthy man........             2.5

Losing erection.....................      14

Searching for it...................      115

 

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With erection....................          1.5

Without erection...............          300

 

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM

If the woman who does it 

Experienced......................         6

Inexperienced...................         73

If a man does it...............         650

Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room.

 

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY

Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen     26

Russian- Woman on bottom,

   man getting permission                 55

American- Both on top                     60

 

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE

Bouncing                                   7

Sliding around                             9

Serious skidding                          12

Whiplash                                  27

 

ORGASM

Real                                      27

Faked                                     60

 

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off                            35

Expression didn't change                    1/2

Orchestra swelled                          6

Birds sang  --  Large birds                7

Small birds                                3

Earth moved                               30

 

PULLING OUT

After orgasm                               0.5

 

A few moments before orgasm              500

 

PENIS ENVY

For woman                                  3

For men                                   72

 

GUILT

Despite no formal training,

  orgasm comes easily, naturally           53

You're enjoying sex,

 despite the fact that other people

 are starving                                2

Sex on your lunch hour                       3

 

Putting it on expense account               20

 

AGGRAVATION

Partner keeps showing plant                  5

Partner insists on cuddling the dog

  during foreplay14

Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time   10

Partner is taking phone calls                 7

Partner is making phone calls                40

 

GETTING CAUGHT

By partner`s spouse                          60

 

By your spouse                              100

Trying to explain                            55

Trying to remain calm                       100

Leaping out of bed                           75

Getting dressed in one motion               500

Thanking partner quickly                      3

 

 

~~

 

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all

the lavatory equipment.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying,

"We have absolutely nothing to go on."

 

~~

 

A couple from Mars lands on the Earth and meet up with an

Earth couple.  They hit it off so well they start asking

questions about their sex lives and techniques. Neither can

understand what is being described so one of the ladies

suggests they switch partners for an evening so they can

get a better understanding.

 

The Earth woman and Mars man go into the bedroom and they

undress. The Earth woman says "Gee, you're small". The Mars

says "no problem" and hits his forehead and he grows longer.

The Earth women is amazed and says "not bad". The Mars man

hits his forehead again and grows even longer. The Earth

woman is pleased but says "It's kind of narrow." The Mars

man pulls on his ears and get thicker. The Earth woman says

"Not Bad". The Mars man pulls on his ears and gets even

thicker. The Earth woman is now so pleased and they do it.

 

The following morning the two couples meet in the lobby and

the Earth man asks his wife how it went. She says "It's the

best I've ever had.  How about you?" The Earth man says "I've

got a tremendous headache and an ear ache. She kept hitting me

on the forehead and pulling on my ears."

 

Pushing and Shoving

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

 It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some adver-

 tising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that

 formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

 

 A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed

 back, amid loud and colorful curses.  On the man's second attempt, he

 was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown

 to the end of the line again.

 

As he got up the second time, he said to  the person at the end of the

line,

"That does it!  If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

 

 

Great Moves, Baby!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"

 

The husband stopped the car with a big grin on his face. 

His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumped on her like a

bass on a June bug.

 

They made love like never before.  She was screaming, gyrating and shaking

 uncontrollably.  When it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she

fainted dead away!

 

After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband,

quite astounded said, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty

years ago or anytime since that I recall.  What made tonight so special?"

 

The women, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, replied,

"Forty years ago that damned fence wasn't electrified!"

 

~~

 

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool

will want to use it.

 

~~

 

 

To the optimist, the glass is half full.  To the pessimist,

the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is

twice as big as it needs to be.

 

~~

 

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.  The

devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock

pile with a 20-pound sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with

95% humidity.

 

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man

was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he

pounded rocks.  The man explained that the heat and hard

labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back

in Tennessee.

 

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120

degrees, with 100% humidity.  At the end of the next day,

the devil again checked on the new man, and found him

still happy to be sweating and straining.  The man

explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to

clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved

farm back in Tennessee.

 

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature

for this man to -20 degrees with a 40-mph wind.  At the end

of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find

the man miserable.  But, the man was instead singing louder

than ever, twirling the sledgehammer like a baton.

 

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man

answered, "It's a cold day in Hell!  The Titans must be

going to the Super Bowl!!"

 

~~

 

Two cowboys are riding through the desert on horseback.

One cowboy looks over at the other and asks, "You got any

chap stick?"   The second cowboy replies "Nope, sorry."

 

So the first cowboy jumps off his horse and runs behind

it.  He proceeds to lift his horse's tail, give him a big

kiss right on the rear end, and jump back on his horse.

 

After a couple more miles the second cowboy says, "Sorry,

but I gotta ask... does that really cure chapped lips?"

 

The first cowboy replies, "Nope, but it sure keeps me

from licking 'em."

 

 

Making Do

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.

 

The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the

stairs until the cast came off.

 

Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the

way to recovery.

 

"Oh good," he responded.  "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs

now?"

 

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful."

 

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed.  "It was

such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that

drainpipe all the time!"

 

 

One For You, One For Me

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery

fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down

by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

 

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed,

he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down

to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One

for you, one for me."

 

He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter

dividing the souls at the cemetery."

 

He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a

cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't

believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery

dividing the souls."

 

The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to

walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the

cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for

me. One for you, one for me..."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's

see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they

peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence

tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for

you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll

be done."

 

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the

boy.

 

~~

 

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

 

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for

Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

 

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts,

grazes and burns."

 

"Do you use it for anything else?"

 

"Like what," she asks.

 

"Well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

 

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom

doorknob to keep the kids out."

 

~~

 

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting

for a train.

 

Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started

asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

 

The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".

 

The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

 

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".

 

The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a

father are you?"

 

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom

salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back

to my company."

 

 

Your Clothes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe

and climb onto the examining table.

 

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

 

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights.

You get undressed and tell me when you're through."

 

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've

undressed.  What should I do with my clothes?"

 

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of

mine!"

 

 

Fun Suckers

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Things to do at Wal-Mart while the Spouse is Taking His/Her Sweet

Time:

 

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when

they don't realize it.

 

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals

throughout the day.

 

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest

rooms.

 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think

we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.

 

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off

and turn the volumes to "10."

 

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

 

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

 

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

 

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only

invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

 

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why

won't you people just leave me alone?"

 

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror

while you pick your nose.

 

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a fullscale battle

between the GI Joes and the X-Men.

 

13. Ask other customers if they have any Gray Poupon.

 

14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the

clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

 

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.

 

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission

Impossible."

 

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store

 

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with

various funnels.

 

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say

things like "pick me! pick me!!"

 

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the

fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

 

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that

you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in

it.

 

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out

of toilet paper in here!"

 

 

Inspirational Quotes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1. "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with."

- Wayne Dyer

 

2.   "There will come a time when you believe everything is

finished. That will be the beginning." - Louis L'Amour

 

3. "Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is

that you don't know how great you can be!  How much you can love!

What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!" - Anne Frank

 

4. "If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never

take chances." - Julia Soul

 

5. "The soul enters thru the wound of defeat." - K. Bly

 

6. "The more you seek security, the less of it you have. But the more

you seek opportunity,  the more likely it is that you will achieve

the security that you desire." - Brian Tracy

 

7. "The only limits are, as always, those of vision." -

James Broughton

 

8. "The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."

- Thomas Merton

 

9. "The strongest single factor in prosperity consciousness is

self-esteem: believing you can do it, believing you deserve it,

believing you will get it." - Jerry Gillies

 

10. "Change your thoughts and you change your world."

- Norman Vincent Peale

 

11. "Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark."

- Rabindranath Tagore

 

12. "The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may

also be only the  beginning." - Ivy Baker Priest

 

13. " One thing that comes out in myths is that at the bottom of the

abyss comes the voice of  salvation. The black moment is the moment

when the real message of transformation is going  to come. At the

darkest moment comes the light." - Joseph Campbell

 

14. "Maintaining a complicated life is a great way to avoid changing

it." - Elaine St. James

>

 

15. "Everything is so dangerous that nothing is really very

frightening." - Gertrude Stein

 

16. "It only takes one person to change your life -- you."

- Ruth Casey

 

17. "Tears are like rain. They loosen up our soil so we can grow in

different directions." - Virginia Casey

 

18. "Don't worry about whether or not I am now happy. Today is only

chapter 1. We have   yet to write the book." - Lois Wyse

 

19. "God does not ask your ability or your inability. He asks only

your availability." - Mary Kay Ash

 

20. "Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special

occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person

materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every

minute, every breath, is a gift from God." - Mary Manin Morrissey

 

21. "If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair.

We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because

we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs

all the time and build your wings on the way down." - Ray Bradbury

 

~~

 

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next

door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each

morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his

hen's eggs for breakfast.

 

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had

laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

 

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman

pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and

told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the

hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on

his property.

 

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said,

"In my family we normally solve disputes by the following

actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes

you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time

how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker

wins the egg."

 

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his

heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps

back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as

he could in the groin. The Englishman fell to the floor

clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.

 

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said,

 

"Now it's my turn to kick you."

 

The Scotsman said, "Nah, keep the egg."

 

 

Muscular Hero Type

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Once a tiger terrorized a jungle village by taking away cattle very

often. One day he made it worse by taking away a human child. A

muscular man than came to rescue the child, and went to the tiger's

approach path, wearing a cow's skin.  He was committed to get this

over with, once and for all.

 

Early the next morning the man returned seriously injured and

bleeding terribly.

 

The villagers were very happy that he had finally closed the chapter

and started praising him, saying things like, "Oh Man, you have done

a great job!" or "the village can never forget your risk and hard

work," and "you are the real savior of our village," and even "we

will give you a handsome reward!"

 

The strong but injured man was listening calmly to their praises.

 

Suddenly a man asked, "My friend, can you tell us how you managed to

get the tiger?"

 

The muscle man now lost his patience and screamed, "I will see that

Tiger later, but first can someone tell me who owns that bull over

there?"

 

Mikersoft Winders

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

If Windows were put out by rednecks....

 

Their #1 product would be "Mikersoft Winders."

 

Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.

 

Occasionally, you would bring up a winder that was covered with a

Hefty bag and some duct tape.

 

Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!," "Naw", or

"Git."

 

Instead of "Ta-da!" the opening sound would be dueling banjos.

 

The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.

 

Instead of "Start Me Up," the Winders 95 theme song would be

"Achy-Breaky Heart."

 

Power Point would be called "ParPawnt."

 

The Winders 95 logo would incorporate the confederate flag.

 

Instead of "VP," Mikersoft big shots would be called "Cuz."

 

Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

 

Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

 

"Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire."

 

Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.

 

Mikersoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

 

Internet addresses would begin with "dubya, dubya, dubya."

 

When your software goes down, you would no longer receive the message

"A fatal exception has occurred," but rather "You gone and done it

now!

 

Slight Mistake

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two two-bit thieves decided to rob a bank together.

 

The first robber, we'll call #1, plans the robbery and goes over the

plan with the second robber, #2, in great detail.

 

The robbery begins. #1 drives up in front of the bank, stops the car

and says to #2,  "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the

plan.  You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than

three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

 

"Perfectly," said #2.

 

#2 goes in the bank while #1 waits in the getaway car.

 

One minute passes . . .

 

Two minutes pass . . .

 

Seven minutes pass . . . and #1 is stressed out.

 

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes #2,  with the safe

wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time #2

gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again

with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear

are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

 

As the robbers are getting away, #1 says "You are such a idiot! I

thought you understood the plan!"

 

#2 said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

 

"No, you idiot," said #1. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the

GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

 

 

Things aren't so bad

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try

this...

 

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the

section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a

rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this

brand.

 

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect

the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to

very comfortable clothing, such as sweats and a T-shirt and lie down

on your bed.  Open the package containing the thermometer and remove

the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table. Take the

written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it

you will notice in small print the statement; "Every rectal

thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."

 

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times:

 

"I am so glad that I work where I do!"

 

~~

 

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were

lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the

opposite wall.  Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward

each other until they were half the previous distance apart.

 

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked,

"When will the girls and boys meet?"

 

The mathematician said: "Never."

 

The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."

 

The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be

close enough for all practical purposes."

 

You've Got Mail

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive,

vivacious female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to

the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and

stormed back into her house.

 

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox,

again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the

house she went.

 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again.

She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed

harder than ever.

 

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

 

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps

telling me I have mail!"

 

 

 

Make Your Own

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.  He

answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She

directs him down the correct aisle.

 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a

ball of string on the counter.  She says, confused, "Sir, I thought

you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

 

The Texan answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my

wife to the  store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home

with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that

if I have to roll my own, so can she!"

 

~~

 

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting

at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman

said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married

for 50 years."

 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were

sitting here at this breakfast table together."

 

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting

here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

 

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get

naked?"

 

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at

the table.

 

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,

"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty

years ago."

 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your

coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

 

 

Upgrading

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dear Tech Support:

 

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed

that the new program began making unexpected changes to the

accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and

jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such

as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs

new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball

5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer

runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will

it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6.  I've tried running

Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of

only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

 

Sincerely, XXX

 

 

Dear XXX:

 

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly

due to a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Boyfriend

5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an

ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING

SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as

possible. 

 

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0,

because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating

files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband

1.0, so nothing is gained.

 

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files

from the system, once installed.  Any new program files can only be

installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

 

In desperation to play some of  their "old time" favorite

applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have

tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women

end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

 

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will

notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with

HeartBreak 1.3.  I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the

quirks of this strange and illogical system.

 

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read

the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs].  This

is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the

parent company as an integral part of the operating system. 

 

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and

problems, regardless of root cause.  To activate this great feature

enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

 

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the

command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3

and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

 

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature.  Overuse can create additional

and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I

APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal

operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to

GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

 

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create

FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to

delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

 

Just remember!  The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for

all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently

run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.  Husband 1.0 is a great

program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new

applications quickly.

 

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.  I

personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.

Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0

running smoothly. 

 

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you

will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings

2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

 

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install

MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause

selective shutdown of the operating system.  Husband 1.0 will run

only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is

uninstalled.

 

I hope these notes have helped.  Thank you for choosing to install

Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in

coming years. We trust  you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

 

Tech Support

 

~~

 

A very drunk man is staggering home from a bar one night

when he sees a group of nuns crossing the street. He then

jumps on one of the nuns and begins to beat her up.

 

The police arrive and jerk the man off the battered nun

and say, "What the heck's your problem?"

 

The drunk replied, "I thought Batman would be tougher than

that!!!"

 

~~

 

Three Nuns are involved in a fatal car accident, and they

arrive together at the pearly gates of Heaven.  St. Peter

greets them, and informs them that they each have to

answer one question before he will allow them to enter

Heaven.

 

St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who built an ark to

keep the animals safe during The Great Flood?"  She

replies, "Noah!".  Bells begin to ring and the gates

of Heaven open.

 

St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who tempted Adam and

Eve to eat the forbidden fruit in The Garden of Eden?"

She replies, "That blasted serpent!"  Bells begin to

ring and the gates of Heaven open.

 

St. Peter asks the first nun, "What were Eve's first

words to Adam?"  She thinks for a few minutes, and

says, "Boy, that's a hard one!". 

 

Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open.

 

 

My Three Year Old...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and

I was working with him constantly.

 

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old

daughter, and she was clean.  Then I realized that Matt had not asked

to go potty in a while, so I asked him about it, and he said, "No."

 

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I

didn't have any clothes with me."  Then I said, "Matt, are you sure

you did not have an accident?"  "No," he replied.  I just knew that

he must have had, because the smell was getting worse.

 

So I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"

 

This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down

his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. . .  "See MOM,

IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

 

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly

pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing

happened.  I was mortified.  But some kind elderly people made me

feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best

laugh they had ever had!

 

 

Knot Enough

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the

wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road,

the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks with a

sly grin, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're

roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her knowing

expression.

 

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband

answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

 

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started

to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to

explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.

 

"What is that?" she asks.

 

"That's my rope," he answers.

 

She slides her hands down further and gasps,

 

"What are those?" she asks

 

"They're my knots," he answers.

 

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the

bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!

 

Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

 

"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.

 

~~

 

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a

priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with

red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out

of his ripped jacket pocket.

 

He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few

minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked

"Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

 

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior

snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked

women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

 

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his

newspaper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man

and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I

didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from

arthritis?"

 

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the

Pope does."

 

 

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

--

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

--

 

I put on a peek-a-boo blouse. He peeked, and booed.

--

 

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?

--

 

 

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket

to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized

that his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched

the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty

one right next to the field.

 

He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and

asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No."  Amazed, the

young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like

this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat.

We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we

were married, but she has passed away."

 

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but

couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

 

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

 

~~

 

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame

was a beloved old Irish priest.

 

At confession one day, a football player told the priest

that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent

football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words

to one of my opponents."

 

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be

doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew

a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

 

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my

opponents."

 

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another

chalk mark.

 

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of

the other team's players in the in a sensitive area."

 

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more

chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we

playin' when you did these awful things?"

 

"Southern Methodist."

 

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys

will be boys."

 

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some

of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The

researchers also discovered other similarities between

the two, but can't remember what they are.

 

~~

 

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and

noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon

in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I

ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and

utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I then looked around the room and saw that all the

waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.

 

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked,

"Why the spoon?"

 

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired

Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to

revamp all our processes. After several months of

statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop

their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil.

This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons

per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal

with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips

back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

 

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from

behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon

with the one in his pocket and said, "I'll get another

spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an

extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

 

The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests

ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that

there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's

fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the

same string hanging from their fly.

 

My curiosity got the better of me and before the waiter

walked off. I asked him, "Excuse me, but can you tell me

why you have that string right there?"

 

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not

everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I

mentioned also found out that we can save time in the

restroom."

 

"How so?"

 

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of...

you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without

touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the

hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39

percent."

 

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get

it out, how do you put it back in?"

 

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further,

"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

 

 

Home Coming

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit,

with crashing thunder and severe lightning.  As I came into my bedroom

about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey,

apparently scared by the loud storm.  I resigned myself to sleep in

the guest bedroom that night. 

 

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K.

to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,

please don't sleep with Mom that night. They agreed.

 

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked

me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late,

everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival,

along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving

passengers as well.

 

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running up and

shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

 

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

 

Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"

 

The airport became very still, as everyone in the waiting area looked

at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to

see if they could figure out exactly who his mother was...

 

 

The Box

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a

box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

 

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.  However,

on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better

of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there

were 3 empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash.

 

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she

confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my

promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today

the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know

why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

 

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these

years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to

you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind

myself not to do it again."

 

Hillary was shocked, but though to herself, "I am very disappointed and

saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road,

temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad

considering the number of years we've been together..."

 

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary

asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

 

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I

took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

 

A Special Woman

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

She could be compared with the morning dew,

She could be compared  with blooming flowers,

She could be compared with exotic wine,

She could be compared with some fancy car,

She could be compared with some beautiful Hollywood movie star,

She could be compared with a beautiful white pearl,

Someone could write sonnets about her,

Someone could make miles of films about her...

 

But when I think of her, all these things seem so very common.

Some of them very base, nothing without which I could not live in

grace.

Found easily almost everyday someplace,

Most of them coming in any rich man's reach,

To please his fancy for a few hours each,

But she is so very rare, so very fine...

 

Just like a single sparkling diamond in a coal mine,

Now I ask you to close your eyes to picture such a heavenly sight.

Just like one shinning star in the big dark sky,

 

If my words could do justice to such a rarely seen sight.

Then I promise I would write, write and write.

 

Till than I just want to sit back and enjoy her sight.

She, for me, is the sight of all sights!

 

 

My Gold Fish Died

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor

peered over the fence.

 

Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely

asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up,

"and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a

goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because

he's inside your damn cat!"

 

 

Morning Rituals

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A flat chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast

enlargements.   He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the

shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby,

Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'"

 

Every day faithfully she would rub the top of her nipples and say,

"Scooby dooby dooby, Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

After several months, it worked! She grew larger breasts, just as she

wanted! 

 

One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work,

she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.  At this point

she loved her breasts and didn't want to lose them, so she sat up

straight there on the bus and said as quietly as she could, "Scooby

dooby dooby, Scooby dooby dooby.  I want bigger boobies."

 

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Say, by any chance do you go to Dr.

Smith?"

 

"Why, yes, I do.  What makes you ask?"

 

"Hickory dickory dock!"

 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. 

 

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the

night and went to sleep.

 

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

 

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." 

 

"What does that tell you?"

 

Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me

that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions

of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a

quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all

powerful and that we are small and

insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a

beautiful day tomorrow.  Why, what does it tell YOU?"

 

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 

 

"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

 

~~

 

 

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited.

His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young

doctor told her to send him in.

 

Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as

the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes, I'll

expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."

 

He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"

 

"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."

 

~~

 

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint

one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

 

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident,

you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

 

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to

a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well

cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her

a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window

overlooking a lovely flower garden.

 

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean

over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately

rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems

OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

 

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is

adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are

they treating you all right?" they ask.

 

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let

you fart."

 

~~

 

A fellow was joined at the bar by a beautiful woman who soon

approached the man with an offer.

 

"I'll make your dreams come true," she whispered, "for a

hundred and fifty dollars."

 

"That's a lot of money," the guy pointed out, admiring her

voluptuous body.

 

"I'm worth it," she assured him breathily. "For a hundred and

fifty dollars, I'll act out any fantasy. In fact, I can make

any three words come true. Just dream them up, baby."

 

"Any three words? For a hundred and fifty dollars?" The man's

voice grew husky as the woman's hand crept up his leg.

 

She nodded, reaching up with the other hand to caress the back

of his neck while he considered the offer.

 

Finally he leaned back with a big smile and announced "It's a

deal!"

 

He leaned over and whispered, "Paint my house."

 

~~

 

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night last

night. I finally had to let her out of my room.

 

~~

 

 

Right after his graduation, a guy shows up at the factory

to start his first job. The owner himself meets him at the

door. He leads him to the factory floor, hands him a broom,

and indicates that the floor needs sweeping. 

 

"Hey," protests the young guy. "I can't sweep the floor!

I'm a Harvard graduate!"

 

"Oh, right, I forgot. Here, I'll show you how."

 

~~

 

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had

been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and

so every morning when the night shift workers passed through

his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to

make sure that nothing was being stolen.

 

Things were going along very well the first night on the job

until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through

his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up

what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the

paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was

acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

 

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I

go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have

thrown away."

 

The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.

 

The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week

after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow

of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always

check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the

guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for

him telling him to report to his supervisor.

 

He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a

word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

 

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

 

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from

this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

 

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole

anything from this place while I was on guard."

 

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for

the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?"

 

~~

 

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden

a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both

campers start running for their lives when one of them

stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner

says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His

friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only

have to outrun you!"

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-

tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock,

and it's half-past three in the morning. "I'm not getting

out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

 

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer

that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and

goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man

standing at the there. It doesn't take the homeowner

long to realize the man is drunk. "Hi there," slurs the

stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost! It's

half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he

slams the door.

 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember

that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to

pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock

on that man's house to get us started again? What would

have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy

was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter,"

explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice

to help him."

 

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and

goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the

stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you

still want a push?"

 

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please." "Where are you?"

shouts the homeowner. The stranger calls back, "I'm over

here, on your swing."

 

~~

 

A young man goes to confession saying, "Father forgive me, I

have sinned with a young woman."

 

The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?"

 

"No, father, its not for me to say," the man replies.

 

"Was it Rita Sanchez?"

 

"No, father, I can't tell you."

 

"Linda Torelli?"

 

"No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any

names." 

 

With this the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him

pennance.

 

On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who

asks him what happened. 

 

The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and

three new leads"

 

 

~~

 

I began performing political comedy the same year Ronald

Reagan began performing his.

- -

 

 

One day, 2 cows were in a field together talking and

eating grass, when one cow asked the other one, "Have you

heard about the mad cow disease sweeping throught town?"

 

The other cow said "Yep. But why should I care?  I'm a

tractor!!!"

 

~~

 

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces

away, noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding

down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite

unconcerned.

 

The waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair

and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm

and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared

under the table.

 

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over

to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I

think your husband just slid under the table."

 

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh,

no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front

door."

 

~~

 

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years

finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be

released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it

was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him

first.

 

"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are

considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"

 

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real

life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my

former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was

the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put

me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in

pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less

difficult and stressful."

 

"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.

 

"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is

something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the

knowledge of young people."

 

"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.

 

"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books

on science, or I may even write a novel based on my

experiences in the psychiatric instutition."

 

"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.

 

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can

always continue to be a teakettle."

 

 

What Goes Around

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday

sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and

tired, he finally nods off.

 

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent

hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher

decides to make an example of him.

 

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in

heaven, please stand."

 

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

 

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to

find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

 

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to

find that he's the only one standing.

 

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on

here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones

standing for it!"

 

~~

 

Our good buddy Regis and his wife were laying in bed one

night.  Regis turned to his wife and said, "Hey, honey,

let's get it on."

 

She replied, "Not tonight, Rege, I have a headache."

 

He frowned, then said slowly, "Is that your final answer?"

 

She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Yes, Regis, that is my

final answer."

 

To which he replies, "Can I phone a friend?"

 

(Groans, groans, yes, I know.  At least he didn't ask to

"poll" the audience...)

 

~~

 

Bill goes into the public restroom and sees this guy

standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As

Bill's standing there, taking care of business, he

wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to

take a leak.

 

Bill finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bill

to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bill says, "Ah, OK,

sure, I'll help you."

 

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bill says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bill

replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

 

Bill pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red

bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars,

and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bill to

point it for him, and Bill points for him. Bill then

shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

 

The guy tells Bill, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate

it."

 

Bill says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with

your penis?"

 

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I

don't know, but I ain't touching it!"

 

~~

 

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hello, is this KGB?"

 

"Yes. What do you want?"

 

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an

enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his

firewood."

 

"This will be noted."

 

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They

search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece

of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and

leave. 

 

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

 

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Did they chop your firewood?"

 

"Yes, they did."

 

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch

plowed."

 

~~

 

The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where 

Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.

 

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles

or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it

over with."

 

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the

dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

 

Mr. Miller turned to his wife...

 

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

 

~~

 

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm

sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest

day of your life."

 

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested

his nephew.

 

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

 

~~

 

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local

newspaper. "How much does it cost to have an obituary

printed?" asked a woman.

 

"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied

politely. "Fine," said the woman. "Got a pencil?"

 

"Yes ma'am."

 

"Got some paper?"

 

"Yes ma'am."

 

"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."

 

"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.

 

"That's it."

 

"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a

five word minimum."

 

"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me

think a minute... okay, got a pencil?"

 

"Yes ma'am."

 

"Got some paper?"

 

"Yes, ma'am."

 

"Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale'."

 

~~

 

Words of wisdom from children...

 

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

- Patrick, age 10

 

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"

don't answer him. 

- Michael, 14

 

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

- Michael, 14

 

Stay away from prunes. 

- Randy, 9

 

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as

your school assignment. 

- Traci, 14

 

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

- Andrew, 9

 

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

- Kyoyo, 9

 

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

- Armir, 9

 

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

-Naomi, 15

 

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. 

- Lauren, 9

 

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

- Joel, 10

 

Never try to baptize a cat. 

- Eileen, 8

 

~~

 

"New Year's Wish"

 

On New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that

it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she

wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person

who made his life worth living.

 

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost

crushed to death.

 

 

The Changing Boots

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher

asked him what was wrong.

 

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

 

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots,

"Are these yours?"

 

"No, they're not mine," the boy shook his head.

 

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his

boots.

 

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not

yours?"

 

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

 

 

Helping Out

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three nuns were  talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the

father's room the other day  and do you know what I found? A bunch of

pornographic magazines!"

 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

 

"Well, of course I  threw them all in the trash."

 

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that.  I was in the father's

room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

 

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

 

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

 

The third nun said,  "Oh shit."

 

 

Three Friends

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three friends are sitting around their favorite pub.  The first guy

says, "Hey guys, I know this other bar where you go in and every

third drink that you order, you get the next one free.  On top of

that, about 1/4 of the time I go in there, I get laid."

 

The second guy says, "That's nothing!  I know this bar where you get

every other drink on the house, and I get laid there about 1/2 the

times that I go in."

 

The third guy, unimpressed, says, "Hell, I've got you both beat. I

know of a place where you get every drink on the house and you get

laid EVERY time you go in."

 

The other two say, "WOW!  Where is it?"

 

The third guy responds, "I don't know, my wife won't tell me."

 

~~

 

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they

had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by

telling about their lives. 

 

Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit

us." 

 

"Great. Where do you live?" 

 

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the

apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it

open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button

with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth

floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door.

Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you

in." 

 

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the

front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right,

then my left elbow?" 

 

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed!"

 

 

 

Placement is Everything

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a

beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir).

 

Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular

guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.

 

Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many

beautiful women?"

 

Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret....just between you and

me. I don't want my system to become too public."

 

Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."

 

Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to

the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it

they come running from miles around."

 

Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."

 

The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out

the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went

into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.

 

As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND

men began to take notice of him.

 

"It's working!" he thought. But soon he began to realize that they were

not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight

of him.

 

He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't

it working?"

 

Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front!"

 

 

The Game of Life

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but

eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

 

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the

right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting

moment.

 

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

 

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

 

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you

stop laughing.

 

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your

hips.

 

Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

 

The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is

expecting a baby.

 

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she

can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

 

~~

 

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself

through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

 

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two

vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and

their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore,

his income.

 

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,

you get your dog back!"

 

 

~~

 

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her

very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a

huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just

yesterday you take away my license and then today you

expect me to show it to you."

 

~~

 

The blonde reported for her University final examination,

which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her

seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper

for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes

her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin

and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for

Tails.  Within half an hour she is all done whereas the

rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few

minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,

swearing and sweating.

 

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is

going on.

 

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But now I am

rechecking my answers."

 

~~

 

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready

to go bag the first deer of the season.  He walks down to the

kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds

his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

 

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

 

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

 

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly

decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting

site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells

her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come

running back as soon as I hear the shot".

 

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice

couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes

pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

 

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her

stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

 

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And

again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by

another volley of gunfire.

 

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is

surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. 

 

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! 

You can have your deer!!!  Just let me get my saddle off it!"

 

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to

church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

 

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

 ~~

 

Proud To Be An Indian

 

There are 3.22 Million Indians in America.

38% of Doctors in America are Indians.

12% of Scientists in America are Indians.

36% of NASA employees are Indians.

34% of MICROSOFT employees are Indians

28% of IBM employees are Indians

17% of INTEL employees are Indians

13% of XEROX employees are Indians

23% of Indian Community in America is having Green-Card.

 

Some of these facts may be known to you.

 

Sun MicroSystems was founded by an Indian (one among)

 

Intel's Chief Architect is an Indian

 

Now the latest news .....

 

An Indian has been appointed as Chief of BELL LABS- NewJercy

 

These facts were recently published in a German magazine which deals =

with

WORLD HISTORY.

 

FACTS ABOUT INDIA

 

A)India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.

 

B)India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.

 

C)The World's first university was established in Takshashila in 700BC.

More than 10,500 students from all over the world studies more than 60

subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century BC was one

 

of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.

 

D)Sanskrit is the mother of all the European languages. Sanskrit is

the most suitable language for computer software - a report in Forbes

magazine, July 1987.

 

E)Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to humans.

Charaka,the father of medicine consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago.

Today Ayurveda is fast gaining its rightful place in our civilization.

 

F)Although modern images of India often show poverty and lack of

development,India was the richest country on earth until the time of

British invasion in the early 17th Century.

 

G)The art of Navigation was born in the river Sindh 6000 years ago.

The very word Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH.

The word navy is also derived from Sanskrit 'Nou'.

 

H)Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the

sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. Time taken by earth

to orbit the sun: (5th Century)365.258756484 days.

 

I)The value of "pi" was first calculated by Budhayana,and he explained

the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered

this in the 6th century long before the European mathematicians.

 

J)Algebra, trigonometry and calculus came from India. Quadratic

equations were by Sridharacharya in the 11th century. The largest

numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 whereas Hindus=20

 

used numbers as big as 1053910 to the power of (53) with specific

 

names as early as 5000 BC during the Vedic period. Even today,

 

the largest used number is Tera 1012910 to the power of (12).

 

K)According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until

1896,India was the only source for diamonds to the world.

 

L)USA based IEEE has proved what has been a century old suspicion in

the world scientific community that the pioneer of wireless =

communication

was Prof. Jagdeesh Bose and not Marconi.

 

M)The earliest reservoir and dam for irrigation was built in

Saurashtra.

 

N)According to Saka King Rudradaman I of 150 CE a beautiful lake

called Sudarshana was constructed on the hills of Raivataka during

Chandragupta Maurya's time.

 

O)Chess (Shataranja or AshtaPada) was invented in India.

 

P)Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600 years ago he and health

scientists of his time conducted complicated surgeries like cesareans,

cataract, artificial limbs, fractures, urinary stones and even plastic

surgery and brain surgery. Usage of anesthesia was well known in

ancient India. Over 125 surgical equipment were used. Deep knowledge of

anatomy, physiology, etiology, mbryology, digestion, metabolism, =

genetics and

immunity is also found in many texts.

 

Q)When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years

ago,Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu valley (Indus Valley =

Civilization)

 

R)The place value system, the decimal system was developed in India in

100 BC.

 

QUOTES ABOUT INDIA

 

A)Albert Einstein said: We owe a lot to the Indians,who taught us how

to count, without which no worthwhile scientific discovery could have

been made.

 

B)Mark Twain said: India is, the cradle of the human race, the

birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of

legend, and the great grand mother of tradition.

 

C)French scholar Romain Rolland said: If there is one place on the

face of earth where all the dreams of living men have found a home

from the very earliest days when man began the dream of existence, it is =

India.

 

D)Hu Shih, former Ambassador of China to USA said: India conquered and

dominated China culturally for 20 centuries without ever having to send =

a

single soldier across her border.

 

All of above is just the TIP of the iceberg, the list could be endless.

BUT, if we don't see even a glimpse of that great India in the India

that we see today, it clearly means that we are not working to our

potential,and that if we do, we could once again be blazing a path=20

 

for rest of the world to follow.

 

 

 

Woman Vs. Man

 

 

W O M A N

 

If you kiss her, you are not a gentlemen

If you don't, you are not a man

 

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don't, you are good for nothing

 

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing

If you don't, you are not understanding

 

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing

 

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy

 

If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you don't, she thinks you don't love her

 

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn'trespect her

If you don't, she thinks you don't like her

 

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel

If she is visited by another, 'Oh! it's natural, we are girls'

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics

 

If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring

 

If she talks, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk

 

In Short:

So simple, yet so complex

so weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable  ...women!

 

 

 

M E N

If you kiss him, he kisses you back

If you don't, he patiently waits

 

If you praise him, he says thanks you

If you don't, he feels secure in your love

If you agree to all his likes, you have met your

fantasy man

If you don't, you still get along

If you visit him often, he welcomes you every time

If you don't, he'll visit you instead

 

If you are well dressed, he says you are beautiful

If you don't, you are still beautiful

 

If you are jealous, he reassures you and holds you

If you're not, he gives you no reason to be

 

If you are a minute late, he is grateful for your arrival

If he is late, he apologizes and makes it up to you

 

If you visit another man, he is secure that you love only him

If he is visited by another woman, you are secure that he loves only you

 

If you kiss him once in a while, he's appreciative of your affection

If you kiss him often, he will always have you on his mind

 

If you stare at another man, he knows that you're only admiring

If he is stared at by other women, you know why-he's one hot babe

 

If you talk, he'll always listen

If you listen, he'll tell you anything you want to know

 

In short:

So complex, yet so direct

So strong, yet so supportive

So dazzling, yet so humble

So passionate, yet so marvelous  ....MEN!

 

~~

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car

phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently

warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's

a car going the wrong way on 280.  Please be careful!"

 

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds

of them!"

 

 

 

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came

upon a small house.  Knocking on the door he was greeted

by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.  "I'm

lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition.

If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will

inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known

to man." 

 

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be

pretty old as well, and entered the house.  Before dinner

the daughter came down the stairs.  She was young,

beautiful and had a fantastic figure.  She was obviously

attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes

off him during the meal.  Remembering the old man's

warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

 

But during the night he could bear it no longer and

snuck into her room for a night of passion.  He was

careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't

hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted

but happy.

 

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.  Opening his

eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it

that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." 

 

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.  "If that's the

best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry

about."

 

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window

and threw the boulder out.  As he did so he noticed

another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock

tied to left testicle."  In a panic he glanced down and

saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. 

 

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than

castration, he jumped out of the window after the

boulder.  As he plummeted downward he saw a large

sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right

testicle tied to bedpost."

 

~~

 

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being

told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to

purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the

local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the

preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured,

since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his

great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third

place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline:

 

                      Preacher Shows Ass

 

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it

in the races again, and this time the animal won first place.

The paper said:

 

                   Preacher's Ass Out In Front

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he

ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more

races. The newspaper printed this headline:

 

              Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass

 

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher

to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the

animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the

headlines read:

 

                 Nun Has Best Ass In Town

 

The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun

that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun

searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal

for ten dollars. The paper stated:

 

               Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!

 

They buried the Bishop the next day

 

~~

 

A Kindergarten student was sitting at his desk making funny

faces at anyone that would watch.

 

The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly,

"Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick

that way."

 

Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess

you learned the hard way."

 

 

 

Notice to Employees

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

 

SICKNESS

 

We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We

believe if you  are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

 

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

 

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed

here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider

having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have

anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained

for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

 

PREGNANCY

 

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the

first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false

labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

 

DEATH

 

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks

notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior

to . . . or after death.

 

This new benefit program started yesterday.

 

The Management

 

Sex For Sale

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Morris moves into a nursing home. As he looks over the list of

citizens living there, he realizes there are three times as many

women as men. He decides this is a good time to make some money, so

he posts a sign on his door: "SEX FOR SALE."

 

The first night he has a knock on the door.

 

Sadie says, "What does your sign mean?"

 

Morris replies, "I am selling sex."

 

"Well," says Sadie, "How much?"

 

Morris thinks slowly and replies, "I hadn't thought much about

prices, but I suppose it will be $5 on the floor, $10 on the chair,

$15 standing up, and $20 on the bed."

 

Morris is quite pleased when he sees Sadie reach in her purse and

pull out a $20 bill.

 

"Oh, you want it on the bed?"

 

"No," says Sadie, "Four on the floor!"

 

~~

 

THE TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA:

 

10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

 9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

 8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there

    tonight

 7. Viagra, Home of the whopper

 6. Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

 5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

 4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling!

 3. Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

 2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to!

 

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

 

 1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any

    questions?

 

~~

 

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon

and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned

grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

 

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken

the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl

of home-made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how

about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

 

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says,

"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat,

offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or

would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how

about a tasty stir-fry? That'll only take a couple of

minutes...?"

 

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this

Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me?

I'm STARVING!"

 

 

It Only Gets Worse

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking public

transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow! that is

one ugly baby."

 

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next

to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am."  "That bus driver just insulted me."

 

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker

and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge

number and report him."

 

"You're right sir I think I will report him," she said.

 

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number

and I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

 

Dogs' New Year Promises

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

 

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

 

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the

coffee table.

 

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

 

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

 

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

 

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet

in the house when I am about to throw up.

 

I will not throw up in the car.

 

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

 

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

 

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

 

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the

backyard after processing.

 

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

 

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

 

I will not chew my humans' toothbrush and not tell them.

 

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my

people will think I am hemorrhaging.

 

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down

when it's raining outside.

 

We do not have a doorbell.  I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

 

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard

with it.

 

The sofa is not a face towel.  Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

 

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

 

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's

driver's license and car registration.

 

~~

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves

in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial

embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower

bunk, the man on the top.

 

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm

sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you

could possibly pass me another blanket." 

 

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a

better idea. Let's pretend we're married" "Hey, terrific

idea!", says the eager man.

 

"Good", she replies, "Get your own blanket!"

 

~~

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,

balding man standing at the counter methodically placing

"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over

them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and

starts spraying them all.

 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the

balding man and asks him what he is doing. The balding man

says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed,

'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

 

~~

 

Be care careful when buying chewing gums .....

 

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American,who is chewing

gum, sits down beside him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to

chat :

 

The American asks :"Do you eat the bread entirely?"

The Indian answers,"Of course!"

American : "We do not .We only eat the inner part.The crust is put in

a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to India."

The Indian says nothing. The American continues,"Do you eat this jelly

with the bread?"

Indian : "Of course!"

American : "We do not.We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put

the seeds and peels into a container.Later it is processed and transformed

to jelly and sold to India."

 

The Indian finally asks,"And what do you do with the condoms after using

them?"

American : "We throw them away,of course!"

Indian : "We do not.We keep them in containers,process them transform them

Into chewing gum and sell it to the United States."

 

 

The Love Dress

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married

couples house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to

see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

 

"What are you doing," the mother-in-law asked.

 

"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the

daughter-in-law replied.

 

"Why are you naked," asked the mother-in-law.

 

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.

 

"LOVE DRESS! You are naked," said the mother-in-law.

 

"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy

and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate

your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the

daughter-in-law continued.

 

Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the

way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She

undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door

for her husband to come home.

 

Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her

place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately

saw his wife naked by the door.

 

"What are you doing," he asked.

 

"This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.

 

"Needs ironing," he replied.

 

 

Cute Little Kitty

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how

legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On

one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the

truth was too humiliating.  I simply mentioned that I had sustained a

head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By

then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

 

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes

to adopt a cute little kitty.   Initially the new acquisition was no

problem, but one morning  I  was taking my shower after breakfast

when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the  kitchen. "Ed! the

garbage disposal is dead.  Come reset it."

 

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower

(pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"

 

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me

in?"  (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

 

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a

statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without

consequence.

 

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without

warning, without respect to my circumstances.    Nay, it wasn't a

hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our

new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied

between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked

me as I took the bait under the sink.

 

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys

I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

 

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their

masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly

bodily movements.  Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to

contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. 

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin

supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a

step-by-step manner.

 

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

 

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is

alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights

to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly

impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

 

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been

fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to

conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

 

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I

kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.  "What's the

matter, cat got your tongue?"

 

If they had only known.

 

~~

 

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone

rang.

 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the

wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

 

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of

them !!!"                                            

 

~~

 

Two accountancy students were walking across campus

when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along

yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman

rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took

off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice;

the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

 

Dangerous Criminal

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye.

She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to

investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and

knocked out cold.

 

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned

1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

 

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

 

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

 

 

Another Ten

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man

aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was

horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

 

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. ' But I don't

need 20 years,' said the Monkey. ' Ten years is plenty.' Man spoke up

and said, 'May I have the other 10 years?' The Monkey agreed.

 

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years.  The

Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, 'May I have your

other ten years?' 'Of course,' said the Lion.

 

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years.  Like the

others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten

years, and he got them.

 

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of

monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an

ass out of himself.

 

Memo From God:

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

To: YOU

Date: TODAY

From: THE BOSS

Subject: YOURSELF

Reference: LIFE

 

I am God.  Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please

remember that I do not need your help.

 

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,

do not attempt to resolve it.  Kindly put it in the  SFGTD (something

for God to do) box.  It will be addressed in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it.

 

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are

people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

 

Should you have a bad day at work, think of the man who has been out

of work for years.

 

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad, think of the person

who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

 

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend, think of the woman

in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to

feed her children.

 

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance,

think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that

walk.

 

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror, think of the cancer

patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

 

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all

about, asking what is my purpose?  Be thankful. There are those who

didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

 

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's  bitterness,

ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be

worse. You could be them!!!!

 

Should you decide to send this to a friend, you might brighten

someone's day!

 

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning

building by climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the

street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

 

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your

only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH!

The firemen yank the blanket away.The Brunette slams

into the sidewalk like a tomato.

 

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the

Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!"

says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand.

We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead,

and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket

away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a

pancake.

 

Finally the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again

the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way!

You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yells the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket

away!"

 

"Look," shouts the Blonde, "nothing you say is gonna

convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away!

So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back

away from it."

 

 

Rotten Day

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage

cans. Car door slams, some cussing, then the garage door opens,

slams. Suddenly more crashing and clattering and cussing, then John

comes into the house with his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.

 

"What's the matter, Dear, you have as bad day on the golf course?"

asked Mary.

 

"Ya, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I only hit

two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if I hadn't

stepped on the rake in the garage!"

 

 

 

The Barber

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.  He mentioned

the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome?  Why would anyone want

to go there?  It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy

to go to Rome. So, how are you getting  there?"

 

"We're taking TWA," was the reply.  "We got a  great rate!"

 

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber.  "That's a terrible airline. Their

planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always

late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"

 

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

 

"That dump!  That's the worst hotel in the city.  The rooms are

small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.  So, whatcha

doing when you get there?"

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the barber.  "You and a  million other people

trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on

this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The

barber asked him about his trip to Rome. 

 

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in

one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped

us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a

beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.  And

the hotel--it was great!

 

They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the

finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they

apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a

Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope

likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind

as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally

greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through

the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down as he spoke a few words

to me."

 

"Really?" asked the Barber.  "What'd he say?"

 

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?

 

 

A young boy answers the phone.

 

A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

 

The boy whispers, "Yes."

 

The man then asks if he can talk to him.

 

"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers. 

 

"Then is your mom there?"

 

"Yes" the boy whispers.

 

"Can I talk to her?"

 

"No, she's busy," the boy whispers. 

 

"Is there anyone else there?"

 

"Yes" whispered the boy.

 

"Who?" the man asked.

 

"A policeman," came the whispered reply.

 

"Well, can I talk to him?"

 

"He's busy too," the boy whispered. 

 

"Is there anyone else there then?"

 

"Yes" whispered the boy.

 

"Who then?" the man asked.

 

"A fireman," the boy whispered.

 

"Can I talk to him?"

 

"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."

 

Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing. 

 

"Looking for me." the boy whispered.

 

~~

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet

engines.

 

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese.

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be

lazy.

 

~~

 

Just after he got married, Bob was invited out for a

night with "the boys."  He told the misses that he

would be home by midnight... promise!  Well, the

hours passed and the beer was going down way

too easy, so at around 3 A.M. he was drunk as a

skunk, and headed for home.

 

Just as Bob got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the

hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he

realized she'd probably wake up, so he cuckooed

another 9 times.  Bob was really proud of himself,

having a quick witty solution, even when smashed.

 

Next morning his wife asked him what time he got in

and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed

at all. Whew! Got away with that one!  She then told

him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

 

When he asked her why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed

3 times, said 'oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared

it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,

cuckooed twice more and then farted."

 

 

Being Seduced

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised

their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as

he pleased since they would be out until quite late.

 

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the

wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she

preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.

 

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to

meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

 

So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the

couch watching TV.

 

She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then

told him to come closer.  Then even closer.

 

She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress. . . Now

take off my bra. Next remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my

garter belt and panties."

 

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The

next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired."

 

 

Why Beer is Better than God

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

- You can prove you have a Beer.

 

- There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

 

- You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.

 

- Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over

  his brand of Beer.

 

- When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying

  to give it away.

 

- They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

 

- No beer has ever caused a major war.

 

- Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

 

- No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

 

- If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you

  stop.

 

~~

 

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she

looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little

to help as now she just stands in front of the mirror,

looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

 

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in

front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts

are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband

comes up with a suggestion.

 

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take

a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts

for a few seconds."

 

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet

paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between

her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

 

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

 

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of

toilet paper between my breasts every day will make

my breasts grow over the years?"

 

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt,

didn't it?"

 

~~

 

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you

remarry?"

 

After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We

all need companionship."

 

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live

in this house?"

 

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we

want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she

would."

 

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,"

the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

 

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going

to last a long time, so I guess she would."

 

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and

slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

 

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

 

 

 

Taking Precaution

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

 

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

 

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

 

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

 

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

 

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater

and he said, "Where are you going?"

 

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

 

He said, "Why?"

 

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again,

I'm  going to get a tetanus shot."

 

 

Dreams

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

 

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's

day. What do you think it means?"

 

"You'll know tonight," he said.

 

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to

his wife.  Delighted, she opened it 

 

- to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

Corruption as we all know is an impediment to a country's progress. It was only natural that the leaders of the major countries decided to do something about it. It is said that Ronald Reagan of the US, Rajiv Gandhi from India and Mikhail Gorbachev from USSR jointly met God to ask him about his opinion on the problem faced by them. The conversation is supposed to have gone something like this:

1. He looked at Mr Gorbachev and told him that it would take atleast 20 yrs

      to root out the problem from his country..

2. The next turn was that of Mr Reagan. God told him that in his country things were more difficult and it would take much longer, perhaps about 100 yrs to root out he problem.

3. When Mr Rajiv Gandhi went to God he found that there were tears in the eyes of God. Rajiv thought that some dust must have gone into His eye and enquired if he could help Him. God's reply to that was He was crying because He was afraid He may not live to see the day the problem was rooted from India.

Perhaps that is what we are destined for looking at Sukhrams et al.

 Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one

 of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my

 situation:

 

~~

 

 A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my  stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my  wife  became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my  wife,  my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was  my  father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made  him  my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.  This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

 

 Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother.

 This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister  is  my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her  own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own  grandfather and you think you have family problems."

 

~~

 

A businessman decided to take the afternoon off and got home

about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. The house was quiet, and he went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. His wife was in bed, and there  was a strange man lying on top of her with his head between her breasts.

'What the hell are you doing?' he shouted.The man looked up and said, 'I'm listening to the music.' 'What Music?' said the husband, and

he leaned over and put his ear to his wife's chest. 'I can't hear any music,' he said suspiciously.'Of course you can't,' said the stranger. 'You're not plugged in.'

 

~~

 

 A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known

 collector of antiques."

 His friend replied," Yes I know, I have seen your wife."

------------------------------------------

 Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?

 Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it

-------------------------------

 The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you

 give me a ring?"

 "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

-----------

 Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?

 Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!

 Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant

-----------------------

My father can beat your father.

"Big deal. So can my mother.

-----------

Am I the first girl you've kissed?"

"Might be - your face looks familiar."

---------------

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"

 

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"

"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

--------------

"The trouble with most men is they know all about women but nothing about wives.

---------------

"Do you want to buy a hand mirror?" "No, I want one I can see my face in."

--

We had nothing in common. She was a girl and I was a man.

---------------

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

 ---------------

They lived happily until they got married.

 ---------------

"Why did you hit your wife with a chair?"

"I couldn't lift the table."

--------------

My friend has a fine watch dog. At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog

and the dog begins to bark.

---------------

Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do in  winter

----------------

''When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."

"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat  that makes me look  that old."

---------------

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."

"You're lucky. My wife does."

---------------

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

----------------

"I passed your house yesterday."

"Thanks I appreciate it."

---------------

"Where did you get those big eyes?"

"They came with the face."

----------------

"Are you familiar with Grace Smith ?"

"I tried it once and she slapped my face."

----------------

Did  you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow

because she didn't want to wake the children.

-----------------

The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an

18-month-old child.

--------------------------

"Say you love me! Say you love me!"

"You love me!"

----------------

"What do u use for washing dishes?"

"Oh, I tried many things but found my  husband best."

-----------------

"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"

"Fine. She vanished last night."

----------------

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets

to speak.

----------------

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the

phone,because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

----------------

"Look, guide, here are some lion  tracks."

"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

-----------------------------------------------------------

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in

advance.

----------------

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"

"What!! I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

-----------------

"Guilty. Ten days or twenty dollars?"

"I'll take the twenty dollars, Judge."

----------------

"Young man, do you think you can  handle a variety

of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four  months."

----------------

There are two kinds of secrets : one is  not worth keeping and the other

Is too  good to keep.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Say, waiter, what's the difference between the one dollar steak  and

two dollar steak?"

"The two dollar steak costs exactly one  dollar more."

-----------------

"I heard you missed school yesterday."

"Not a bit."

-----------------

"I gotta 'A' in spelling."

"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."

----------------

My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.

I have no objections - I let her talk.

-----------------

There's one thing good about being poor – its inexpensive.

-----------------

Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture

-----------------

Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.

-----------------

An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt.

A married man has no shirt.

----------------

"My uncle has a cedar chest."

"My uncle has a wooden leg."

----------------

"I want some current literature."

"Here are some books on electric  lightning."

----------------

There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need

them, and those who are around when they  need you.

----------------

Before we got married I caught her in my arms.

Now I catch her in my pockets.

----------------

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a

cloth and  sells the cloth.

---------------

"What did one ghost say to another?"

"Do you believe in people?"

---------------

No man is justified for spitting in another man's

face unless his moustache

is on fire.

--------------------------------------

"Were you in Paris on your vacation?"

"I don't know my husband got the tickets."

-----------------

 He met her in a revolving door and has been going

around with her ever

since.

---------------------------------------

 A doctor sent a bill to his patient. Underneath

the bill he wrote:

 " This bill is now one year old."

Back came the reply: "Happy Birthday!"

-----------------

 

 

 

                          THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN

 

    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion

for baked  beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was  apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for  me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.

 

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small café and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

 

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before   leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'puttputted' up the next. By the time he arrived hme he felt reasonably safe.

 

His wife met him at the door and seemed some what excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the mot wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.  At this point he was begginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

 

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.  He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.

He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!'. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the   conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying  blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes,   farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

 

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his   loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of   innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.

After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!"

 

To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated

around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 ~~

 

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary

and Sam says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), "So, Becky, I was wondering...Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why vould you ask such a question

now?  You don'twant to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know.  Please..." "Well, all right, 3 times..."

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!  I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me....  So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack

and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you...

Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...  Well...." "Oh my god!!  Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life...  I couldn't have a more wonderful wife...  To do such a thing, oy vay, you must really love me darling...  I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation....  And you were 47 votes short...."

 

 

 ----

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.  Realizing

his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking.

Time passed, and he became thirsty.  More time passed, and he began feeling faint.

 Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in

front of him.  Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.  However, would you like to buy a tie?"   With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man.  "I'm dying!  I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent.  With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

 

===================================================

Subject:  Great one!!

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses.  On the third tee the

husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.  The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses!  Alright, let's go up there,apologize and see how much this

is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah.  Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for

the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the

genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done."

 the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had

sex with a woman in a thousand years.  My wish is to sleep with your

wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of

money and all those houses, honey.  I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your

 husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies- that's amazing.

 

 --*-----------

  : Due to the current financial situation, Managemnet has decided to

  : implement a scheme to put all workers over 40 on early

  : retirement.  This scheme will be known as Retiring Active

  : Personnel Early (RAPE).

  :

  : Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be

  : eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced

  : Termination).  The situation of persons who have been RAPED and

  : SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Subsistance

  : Conditions for Retired Early Workers).  A person may only be

  : RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as managemnet

  : deems appropriate.

  :

  : Should an employee be refused a SCREW, he can apply to get AIDS 

  : (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half

  : Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severence).  Obviously

  : persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED  

  : any further by management.

  :

  : Persons staying on will recieve SHIT(Special High Intensity

  : Training).  Management has always prided itself on the amount of 

  : SHIT it gives to its employees.  Should you feel that you do not 

  : receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attantion of

  : your Supervisor.  He has been trained to give you all the SHIT 

  : you can handle.

  :

--============================================================

 

Subject:  dentist

A man went to the dentist's, his wife by his side. When they arrived at the office, he told her to sit in the waiting room: "I'll only be a few minutes", he assured her.

So the guy goes in, and says to the dentist, "How much will it cost if you administer the nitrous oxide, and pull the tooth?" The dentist replies, "That would be 75 dollars." The guy winces, and says, "Oh, that's far too expensive. How 'bout if you use that novocaine, and go in and pull that tooth?" The dentist says, "25 dollars." "That's a little better," says the guy, "but still more than I want to pay. How 'bout if you just take them pliers, and just go right in and pull the tooth?" "Five dollars", comes the dentist's reply. "That's fine", says the man, "We'll do it that way."

He gets up from the chair, opens the door to the waiting room, and says to his wife, "Come on in, honey, the dentist is ready for you!"

 

~~

 

Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their m/cs to another building. Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine.

Santa : "My m/c has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?"

Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road. Can you guess what he must be thinking ??

"Saala aaj bhi girna padega..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed.

"What happened ?"  asked  Surjit.

"Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday .  "

"How come ?"

"Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet."

" But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?"

" Yaar, I bet on the highlights too!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is one of many famous sardarji jokes. Enjoy it, if you have not heard it before.  Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there.  After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK.  On seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardar thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

One great day in Bombay, One young couple was on honeymoon tour.   They saw one Sardarji in front of Hospital ( Breach Candy ) was trying to fill some form.

So eagerly couple enquired " aare Sardarji kya kar raahe ho "

Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate

 form.

Young Couple as per preshedule, they took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination.  On the very next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form.

So once again young couple curiously asked,

"Aare Sardarji kya kar raahe ho"

Sardarji once again replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form.  Couple said but sardarji yesterday you were in bombay filling the same  form Why you are in Delhi?

Sardaji cooly replied "Aare Saab Ye form mein leekha hey ke FILL IN CAPITAL"

Aap ko etna bhi patta nahi hei .. Ha Ha Ha....."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------Subject:  FYI: Humor

An immigrant from Czechoslovakia went to an eye doctor for a checkup.

The doctor started with some simple testing, showing him a standard eye chart with the letters:  CRKBNWXSKZY

The doc asked, "Can you read that?"

Czech says, "Read it? Hell, Doc, I know him!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This lady had always wanted a talking parrot so when she saw a

beautifully coloured parrot in the pet shop, she felt that was the one for her. The salesperson said, "I must tell you that this parrot had previously been owned by a madam in a brothel." "No matter, it's such a pretty bird so I'll take him." replied the lady.

When she got home, she removed the cage cover at which point the parrot spoke up with "Ho ho ho! A new house, a new madam." When her husband came home and was told of the new purchase he went over to admire the parrot, at which point the parrot spoke out with "Ho ho ho! A new house, a new madam, but the same old customers. Hi Joe."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I was maried 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wive died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

 

~~

 

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have  to

come back in 6 months for a follow up."

"Oh no." replies the woman. "I want it all done in one shot. I dont  want

to have to come back."

 The doctor thinks for a second, then offers an alternative, "There is  a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime

 you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls

 the skin up, and they disappear."

 "Thats what I want!" says the lady. "Lets do that."

 Six months later the woman storms into the doctors office.

 "Well, hows the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.

"Terrible !" the lady bellows. "Its the worse mistake Ive ever made."

 "What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

 "Just look at these bags under my eyes !" she hollers.

 "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your tits.  And if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard too !"

 

~~   

       

There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft

engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side

of the road, and the three engineers look at each

other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical

engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of

the car and trying to trace where a fault might

have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much

about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming

emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the

Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about

anything,comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

       

~~   

 

With the changed scenerio of yesterday, Lalloo Prasad Yadav might be the next Prime Minister.

('Hum King Mager Hain'!!) Look at what would be   the scenerio if this

happens :

                                          Laloo Hamara Neta

                        What would be changed if Laloo Prasad  becomes India's Prime Minister:

      1. National Anthem      : Khana Pina Adhik Zaroorat hai...

      2. National Attire            : Dhoti & Kurta

      3. National Drink      : Fresh Buffalo Milk

      4. National Animal         : Buffalo, from Bihar

      5. National Sport      : Milking Buffalo (morning),   Buffalo Race (evening)

      6. Corporate Language         : Enlish-va

      7. National Toy               : A. K. 58

        8. National Family Planning Policy    : Hum Do, Humare Dozen

            9. National Film        : Laloo Ban Gaya Gentleman

      10. National Vehicle  : Buffalo Cart

      11. National Recreation : Pro-creation

Laloo's Slogan:    Jab Tak Rahega Samosa Me Aloo,

                                    Tab Tak Rahega Hamara P.M. Laloo

 

~~

 

Subject: Rest in Peace

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to  send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business  site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace".  The owner was angry and so call the florist to complain.  After he had told the  florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said: 

 "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting  angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking  place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,  'Congratulations on your new location'"

 

~~

 

  Bob has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in   Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

 

  Bob sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so of   almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter   standing there.

 

  "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."  

  "Great," says Bob, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet   some local folks.  Thank you."

 

  As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin."

 

  "Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."

 

  Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too."

 

  Damn, Bob thinks...tough crowd.  "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there.  Thanks again."

 

  Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

 

  "Now that's not a problem" says Bob, "Remember I've been alone   for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

 

  Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's   just gonna be the two of us."

 

 

Old Man and Young Man on Bus

============================

 

An old man was riding on a city bus.  The bus stopped at a regular stop along its route. A young punk-rocker got on and sat down accross from the old man.  The punker had the usual spiked, multi-colored hair, along with dangly feathered earrings.

The punker noticed that the old man was staring at him, and finally became disgusted and said, "Old man, what in the bloody hell are you staring at???  Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young and full of life like me???"

The old man replied, "Yes, I once screwed a parrot... i was trying to determine if you might be my son!"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the

 

meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.  Over the course of the evening he started to wonder

if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the

eye. Reading the young priest's thought, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose he took it do you?

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.  But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper.  But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

 

~~

 

 Absent Minded Person :

 One who stands infront of the mirror for hours trying to remember where he  had

 seen the person before .

 

 Lecture :

 An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the  notes

 of the students without passing through "the minds of either" .

 

 Opportunists :

 One who starts having a bath when he/she accindently falls in a river . 

 Conference :

 The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present .

 

 Compromise :

 The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody beleives he got the

 biggest piece .

 

 Love affairs :

 Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a

 five day test .

 

 Tears :

 The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine  water-power .

 

 Dictionary :

 A place where divorce comes before marriage .

 

 Cigarette :

 A pinch of tobaco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other

 .

 

 Conference Room :

 A place where everybody talks , nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on

 

~~

 

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking

for a rooster.  He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens   and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you.  Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

  

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm.  Before setting him loose in the

hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk.  "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."

And without a word, Randy strutted into the hen house.  Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.

There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished

having his way with each hen.

  

But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the   horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.  Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself."  But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

  

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying on his   lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back and his tongue hanging out.  A buzzard was already   circling above Randy.

  

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh, you poor thing.  Look what you

did, you've gone and killed yourself.  I warned you my little buddy."

  

"Shhhhhhh" says Randy quietly to the farmer.  "The buzzard's getting    closer."

 

~~

 

After Maninder was thrown out of Indian cricket team, he thought

it's better for him to get married. He gives an advertisement in news

paper, television and other media for he is looking for a life partner.To

his surprise, he finds a long queue of babes and aunties in front of gate. So he decides to go for SwayamWadhu (opposite of SwayamVar) kind of marriage.

After inspecting more than 200 of them, he selects one,the one who had

Best figure, voice, face, height etc. amongst the contestants.

And comes the first wedding night and Maninder is all excited up.

He slowly unveils his newly- wed bride's 'Ghunghat' and kisses her passionately.

He slowly reaches up and starts undressing her. In a short while she is

all bare in front of him. Then, to his horror he discovers that far from being

a virgin, she has slept many a times before. He regrets his decision and

tells her that she has betrayed him.

To this, she retorts, "Kya kabhi spinner ko naya ball diya jaata hai????".

 

~~

 

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area.

She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know.  He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the Loose folds of skin.  It is a long operation!

 

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table.  She is appalled and demands to see the doctor.

 

"No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down",she says.

 

"Ah" says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery." "How nice ", says Liz."Thank you - what a nice thought."

 

"The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations  - she is to be trusted."

 

"What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I'm really touched", says Liz.

 

"But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.

 

"Oh", says the doctor, "that's from Evander Holyfield  - thanking you for his new ears!!!"

 

~~

 

A sardarji, his wife, and son, after spending a hectic trip to

South are returning back home by train.

On the way, they fall asleep; the sardar on the lower berth, his

wife on the middle, and the son, on the upper one.

In one of the stations, the son gets up and wakes up his father

asking for an ice-cream. Both get out and after buying him,

they return to the compartment, only to find

a stranger occupying the upper birth, and snoring peacefully.

Sardar is frustrated, after repeatedly trying to get rid of the man.

He finally calls the TTE, to his aid and in his best English,

explains his plight to him, "An unknown person lying on top of

my wife, not giving birth to my son" ____________________________________________________

 

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the

back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man:  "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man:  "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of

      the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man:  "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

_________________________________________________

 

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their rocking chairs one lazy afternoon,

Grandpa started feeling spry and reached over and gave Grandma's breast

A squeeze and said "You know Ma, if this would give milk we could get rid of the

cow."

To that Grandma said, "Yep we sure could."

After a while Grandpa reach over to Grandma's crotch and gave it a pat and

said, "You know Ma, if this could give eggs we could get rid of the chickens."

Grandma said, "Yep we sure could."

After a short while Grandma reached over to Grandpa and started stroking his

Jewels and said, "You know Pa, if this could get hard we could get rid of your

brother.

_________________________________________________

 

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks

up

to the car and sees a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There is the strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blows up the balloon, and he walks it back to the police car. After a

couple of minutes he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had

a couple of stiff ones."

She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

 

~~

 

                  bad – Worse

 

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.

Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. 

Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.  

Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.  

Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.  

Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.  

Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. 

Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. 

Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. 

Worse: She implicates you.

 

                        Good - Bad – Worse

 

Good: Hot outdoor sex. 

Bad: You're arrested. 

Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early. 

Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes." 

Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son. 

Bad: Sexually. 

Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie. 

Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie. 

Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend. 

Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre. 

Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.

Bad: Your daughter's the striper

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. 

Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." 

Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". 

Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. 

Bad: She's ten

Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude. 

Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. 

Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. 

Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video. 

Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. 

Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. 

Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.

Bad: With the neighbours.

Worse: All of them.

 

~~

      Frequently asked Questions

How to answer the usual questions asked of Indians

To help the new wave of incoming students from India,

here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:

 

Q.  What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?

A.Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives.

You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

 

Q.  You're from India?  I have read so much about the country.  All

the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?

A.Absolutely.  In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house.  But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air.  You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....

 

Q.  Does India have cars?

A.No.  We ride elephants to work.  The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

 

Q.  Does India have TV?

A.No.  We only have cable.

 

Q.  Are all Indians vegetarian?

A.Yes.  Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

 

Q.  How come you speak English so well?

A.  You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants.  It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then

all babies born are born speaking English.

 

Q.  Are you a Hindi?

A.  Yes.  I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

 

Q.  Do you speak Hindu?

A.Yes,  I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

 

Q.  Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?

A.Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

 

Q.  India is very hot, isn't it?

A.It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

 

Q.  Are there any business companies in India?

A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food.  That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work.

 

Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?

A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden.  However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

 

Q.  India is such a religious place.  Do you meditate regularly?

A.Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink.  But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that.  But the bosses there do the same thing.

That is why things are so inefficient there.

 

Q.  I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?

A.  We don't have shoes.  So we burn the botton of our feet to make it

hard so that we can walk.

 

Q.  Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?

A.I prefer it to coming naked.

 

~~

 

Subj: TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE...

 

      5.  They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

      4.  They periodically cut you off right when you think you've     established a network connection.

      3.  They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on    their own.

      2.  They're typically obsolete within five years and need to      be traded in for a new model.  Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.

      1.  They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

_

 

 

Subj: Poor soldier.

Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak).

In one compartment of the train there are four people.  A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.

      It is completely dark.

      Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier,he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."

And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee I'm smart!  We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Pakistani soldier."

 

~~

 

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto

accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for

nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and

asks about her baby.

 

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he

sits down to answer her questions.  "I'm so happy to see you

recovering", he says.  The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but

what about my baby?  Is everything all right?"  He replies, "Yes,

despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal

delivery procedure."

 

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a

girl."

 

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies.

 The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the

infants home with your brother.  We'll call and tell him you're

okay.  While you were unconscious, your brother took care of

everything for you.  He even gave the babies names."

 

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an

idiot! What name did he give my little girl?"  The doctor

answered that her name was Denise.  "Oh, Denise, that's not so

bad.  What name did he give my boy?"  The doctor answered,

"Denephew".

 

~~

 

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm

based in Dublin.  An American applied for the same job and both applicants

having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department

manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the

questions.  The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your

interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why

would you be doing that?  We both got  9  questions correct. This being

Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made

our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the

other?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't

know". You put down "Neither do I ".

 

 

Don't Forget

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,

so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure

nothing was wrong with them.

 

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about

the problems they were having with their memory.  After checking the

couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but

might want  to start writing things down and make notes to help them

remember things.

 

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

 

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his

chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

 

He replies, "To the kitchen."

 

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

 

He replies, "Sure."

 

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you

can remember it?"

 

He says, "No, I can remember that."

 

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top.  You

had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

 

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries."

 

She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you

will forget that so you better write it down."

 

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that

down I can remember that."  He then fumes into the kitchen.

 

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a

plate of bacon and eggs.

 

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

 

 

Guidance

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired

to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Margaret, the

bride left the bathroom to find Harold, the bridegroom, praying.

 

"So what are you doing?" she asked.

 

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man.

 

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

 

 

Make Believe

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Ten year old lil' Johnnie rushes home from school. He invades the

fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his

mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnnie. You

can't have ice cream now.  It's too close to supper time.  Go

outside and play."

 

Johnnie whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

 

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK.  I'll play with you.  What do

you  want to play?"

 

"I wanna play Mommie and Daddy," Johnnie whines in reply.

 

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says,

"Fine, I'll play.  What do I do?"

 

Johnnie  says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're

taking a nap."

 

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes

upstairs. 

 

Johnnie, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the

utility closet.   He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts

up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end

table.  He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth.  At

the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

 

His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

 

In a gruff manner, Johnnie says, "Get your ass downstairs and get

that kid some ice cream!"

 

 

Honeymoon to Remember

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A newly married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they came

upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking

at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

 

From inside they heard a gentleman say, "You foreigners?  Come in my

friends.  Come into my humble shop.  Salaam a leekem!"  (hello in

Arabic).  So the couple walked in. 

 

Apparently seeing the love in their eyes but lack of sexual vigor,

the bazaar merchant says to them, "I have some special sandals I

think you'd be interested in.  They make you wild at sex like a great

desert camel."

 

After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and

encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and

winked at his wife confidently with the comment, " I don't think I

really need them."  

 

But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant,

"So, how could sandals make you into a sex animal?"

 

The merchant smiled and replied, "Oh, just try them on, my friend,

and trust me!  You will see what I promised."

 

Well, in the combined spirit of goodwill and after much badgering from

his wife, he finally consented to try them on.

 

The husband put the shoes on and a wild look seemed to appear in his

eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years -- the look of

raw sexual power.

 

In a blink of the eye, the husband rushed the merchant, threw him on

the table and started tearing at the guys clothes.

 

While trying to run away, the bazaar merchant is yelling non-stop

"Wrong feet!! You've got them on the wrong feet..."

 

 

Helping out

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing

peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.  As the couple

take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses

concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear.  He

tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully

deep. 

 

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the

hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their

daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

 

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's

studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing.  He

then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and

low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. 

 

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get

drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

 

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes

school? A GP or a surgeon?"

 

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers,

I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

 

~~

 

A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises

coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife

naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes

downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his

4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's

hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

 

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the

bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe

door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering

on the wardrobe floor.

 

"You bonehead!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart

attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the

kids!"

 

 

Biology Six to One

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior

college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the

organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions,

expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

 

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think

that is a proper question to ask me.  I assure you my parents will

hear of this."

 

With that she sat down red-faced.  Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on

Miss Johnson and asked the same question.  Miss Johnson, with

composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

 

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins.  "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three

things to say to you.  One, you have not studied your lesson.  Two,

you have a dirty mind.  And three, you will some day be faced with a

dreadful disappointment."

 

 

Science in a Nutshell

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

 

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

 

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

 

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

 

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

 

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

 

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud.  When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

 

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

 

Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

 

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

 

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

 

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

 

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

 

I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

 

You can listen to thunder and tell how close it came to getting hit.

If you don't hear it, you got it, so never mind.

 

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

 

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

 

 

Honeymoon Interference

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to

their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a

running commentary on their love-making.

 

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to

give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

 

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close

a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll

try." That didn't work. 

 

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart,

you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

 

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

 

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and

said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"

 

~~

 

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay

bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

 

So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him,

"What's the name of your penis?"

 

The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a

drink."

 

The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until

you tell me the name of your penis."

 

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on

a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"  The

man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."

 

The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it

takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

 

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping

on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The

man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD,

because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford

lately?"

 

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he

comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and

exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."

 

The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled

look asks,  "Why secret?"

 

The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for

a woman!"

 

~~

 

Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a

burning freight vessel.  While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one

of the two men came across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would

appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the Castaways,

one did come forth! This particular Genie,  however, stated that she could

only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought

to the matter the man blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer!"

Immediately the Genie clapped her hands, and with a deafening crash the

entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping

of beer on the hull of the life boat broke the sudden stillness as the two

men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the

one who's wish had been granted.  After a long, tension-filled moment, he

spoke: "Nice going!  Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!

 

~~

 

You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to!

 

~~                         

 

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.  The people did

some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000

rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.  Being frugal, the bought the

cow from Minsk.

 

The cow was wonderful.  It produced lots of milk all the time, and the

people were amazed and very happy.  They decided to acquire a bull to mate

with the cow and produce more cows like it.  Then they would never have to

worry about the milk supply again.

 

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

 No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the

bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise,

what to do.  They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull

approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she

moves forward.  When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An

approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

 

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow

from Minsk?"  The people were dumbfounded.  They had never mentioned where

they had gotten the cow.  "You are truly a wise rabbi.  How did you know we

got the cow from Minsk?"

 

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

 

~~

 

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who

immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had

genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping

that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All

to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every

opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and

generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

 

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced

inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the

mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock

to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

 

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near

the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor

noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the

farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

 

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he

would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to

this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what

that was all about.

 

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible

tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men

would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my

head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

 

 

~~

 

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This

goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest,

with God as the judge.  They set themselves before their computers and

begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for

several hours straight.

 

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,

taking out the electricity.  Moments later, the power is restored, and God

announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come

up with.

 

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the

power went out."

 

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better. "Jesus

enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the

voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

 

Satan is astonished.  He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet

Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

 

God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."

 

 

***

 

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be

her husband's best friend.  They ... for hours, and afterwards,

while they're just laying there, the phone rings.  Since it is

the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.  Her lover

looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the

conversation...

 

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello?  Oh, hi.  I'm so glad

that you called.  Really?  That's wonderful.  I am so happy for

you.  That sounds terrifiic.  Great!  Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

 

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the

wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

 

Goal Driven

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man and a woman are standing at a cocktail party when the woman

remarks, "You know, you look just like my third husband." 

 

"How many times have you been married?" asks the man. 

 

Twice," replies the lady.

 

 

Pilots' Hell

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Mac died at the controls of a plane and went to pilot's hell, where he

found a hideous devil and three doors.

 

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms".

I'll be right back don't go away, and he vanished.

 

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where

the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks.   He

slammed the door and peeked into the second.  There, alarms rang and

red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after

another.

 

Unable to imagine a worse fate Mac cautiously  opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants

answering to a captain's every whim.

 

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or

number 2?"

 

"UM, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

 

"Sorry," said the devil.  "You can't have door number 3, that's flight

attendant's hell."

 

 

Installments

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the

furniture store.

 

Pete says to the salesman,  "We really like it, but I don't think we

can afford it."

 

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment ..... then

you don't make another payment for six months."

 

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says,  "Who

told you about us?"

 

~~

 

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math.  His parents tried

everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.

 

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to

enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

 

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he

walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined

expression on his face.

 

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly

closed the door.  For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room

- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding

floor.  He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning

his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and

worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

 

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the

first quarter's report card.  The boy walked in with it unopened

- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

 

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a

large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

 

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room,

thrilled at his remarkable progress.

 

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

 

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

 

"The textbooks?  The teachers?  The curriculum?"

"No", said the son.

 

"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw

that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

 

~~

 

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.  A

man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here

on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man:  So what happened that is so horrible?

 

Farmer:  Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow

milking  her.  Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her

left leg and kicked it over.

 

Man:  That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

 

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man:  So then what happened.

 

Farmer:  I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left

with some rope.  Then I sat down and  continued to milk her. 

Just as I  got the bucket about full she took her right leg and

kicked it over.

 

Man:  Again?

 

Farmer:  Something's ya just can't explain.

 

Man:  So, what did you do then?

 

Farmer:  I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the

right.

 

Man:  So then what did you do?

 

Farmer:  I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I

got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the

bucket with her tail.

 

Man:  Wow you must have been pretty upset!

 

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So then what did you do.

 

Farmer:  Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt

and tied her tail to the rafter.  In that moment, my pants fell

down and my wife walked in.

 

 

The Test for the Best!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that

they are the  best at apprehending criminals. The President

decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a

forest and each of them has to catch  it.

 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout

the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they

conclude that rabbits do not exist.

 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn

the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit,

and they make no apologies.  The rabbit had it coming.

 

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a

badly beaten bear.  The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a

rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

 

 

The Limits of Love

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

After the divorce, her teenage daughter became increasingly

rebellious.

 

It culminated late one night when the police called to tell her that

she had to come to the police station to pick up her daughter, who was

arrested for drunk driving.

 

They didn't speak until the next afternoon.

 

Mom broke the tension by giving her daughter a small gift-wrapped box.

 

Her daughter nonchalantly opened it and found a small piece of a rock.

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "Cute Mom, what's this for?"

 

"Here's the card," Mom said.

 

Her daughter took the card out of the envelope and read it. Tears

started to trickle down her cheeks.

 

She got up and gave her mom a big hug as the card fell to the floor.

 

On the card were these words:

"This rock is more than 200 million years old. That's how long it

will take before I give up on you."

 

 

Extreme Measures

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon

when an attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door.

 

Yes?, he replied, how may I help you?

The lady said "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."

 

"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.

 

Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?

 

"What do you mean by *anything*," he replied.

 

She said "Anything!"

 

Anything??

 

She said, in her best sultry voice "I mean ANYTHING."

 

The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her

and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"

 

 

 

Traditions

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech

corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and

presented him with three numbered envelopes.

 

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can

solve," he said.

 

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales

took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his

wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took

out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

 

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at

the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press

and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the

problem was soon behind him.

 

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in

sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his

previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The

message read, "Reorganize."

 

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several

consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on

difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and

opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three

envelopes."

 

 

Love is Blind?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love.

 

They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after

their vacations were over.  "It's only fair to warn you Linda." he

said.  "I'm a golf nut.   I live... eat... sleep... and breathe golf."

 

"Well," said Linda, "since you're being honest, so will I.  See, I'm

a hooker."

 

"Oh, I see," he said pensively.

 

Then, he smiled and said.... "It's probably because you're not

keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

 

~~

 

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a

divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"  The farmer said,

"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

 

The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"  The farmer

said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you

don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I

don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

 

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have

a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I

park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you

have a suit?"

 

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on

Sundays."

 

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your

wife beat you up or anything?"

 

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

 

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY

DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

 

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful

conversation with her."

 

~~

 

A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined

with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey, be

very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows - it'll

cost us a  fortune to fix."

 

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the

biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to

watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see

how much this is going to cost."

 

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When they open the

door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its

side in the  foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that

broke my window?"

 

"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that."

 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a

thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant

three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for

myself."

 

"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the

rest of my life."

 

"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the

genie says, looking at the wife.

 

"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.

 

"Consider it done."

 

"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a

woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

 

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money

and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you."

 

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.

 

Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is your

husband, anyway?"

 

"35. Why?"

 

"And he still believes in genies?"

 

 

PC Message Glossary

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

It says:  "Press Any Key"

It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

 

It says:  "Press A Key"

(This one's a programmers joke.)

          Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.

 

It says:  "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error

          no. 1A4-2546512430E"

It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes,

          only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

 

It says:  "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."

It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into

          c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find

          them."

 

It says:  "Please insert disk 7"

It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 6 disks."

 

It says:  "Not enough memory"

It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM,

          I want to use the bit below 640K."

 

It says:  "Cannot read from drive D:...."

It means: "...however, if you put the CD in right side up..."

 

It says:  "Please Wait...."

It means: "...indefinitely."

 

It says:  "Directory does not exist...."

It means: "....any more. Woops."

 

It says:  "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."

It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting

your work back."

 

 

 

Deductive Reasoning

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective,

Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he

was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it,

he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris.

When a taxi pulled up.  He put his suitcase in it and got in himself.

As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the

driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?''

 

Doyle was flabbergasted.  He asked the driver whether he knew him by

sight.  The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The

puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied:   

 

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in

Marseilles.   This is the taxi-stand where people who return from

Marseilles always come to.  Your skin color tells me you have been on

vacation.  The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that

you are a writer.  Your clothing is very English, and not French.

Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir

Arthur Conan Doyle."

 

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part

to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

 

"There is one other thing,'' the driver said.

 

"What is that?''

 

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.''

 

 

The Birds and the Puppies

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Little Johnnie and his Dad were in the park one day when Johnnie

spotted two dogs mating furiously.  Little Johnnie stared at the dogs

a while and then turned to his Dad and asked what the dogs were doing.

 

 

"Well, Billy," his Dad replied hesitantly, "they are making puppies."

Little Johnnie looked back at the dogs for a second, deep in thought,

then ran off to play on the swings.

 

A few weeks later Johnnie walked in on his parents when they forgot to

latch the lock, and they were going after it pretty wildly themselves.

Johnnie tapped his Father on the shoulder and asked, "Daddy, what are

you and Mommy doing?"

 

"Well, Billy," his Dad replied out of breath, "we are making a baby."

 

Billy thought about it for a moment and said excitedly "Oh, well why

don't you turn her over.  I'd much rather have puppies."

 

~~

 

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining

and put his head out the window to check.  As he did so a glass

eye fell into his hand.

 

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young

woman looking down.

 

"Is this yours?" he asked.

 

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

 

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a

drink.  As she was very attractive he agreed.  Shortly afterwards

she said, "I'm about to have dinner.  There's plenty; would you

like to join me?"

 

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As

the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a

marvelous evening.  Would you like to stay the night?"

 

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man

you meet?"

 

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

 

 

You Can Make It!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska.

They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the

plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and

says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and

both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it

over the trees on the take off."

 

"That's baloney," says one of the hunters.

 

"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken."  "We came out here

last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts.  He wasn't

afraid to take off!"

 

"Yeah!" said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger

than yours!"

 

The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it,

I can fly as well as anybody!"

 

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made

it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the

lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering

the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

 

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to

clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

 

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked

around, and said, "I'd reckon about a hundred yards further than

last year..."

 

 

Partners

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few

hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very

fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he

was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked

if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being

able to say no, he allowed the old gentleman to join him.

 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the

ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

 

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found

himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front

of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

 

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man

finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right

over that tree."

 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit

the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded

back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age

that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

 

Coming Clean

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very

erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over

and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

 

"Aye, so I `ave. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped 

by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was

something   called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos

which are quite good. I   had four or five o' those. Then I had to

drive me friend Mike home and o'   course I had to go in for a couple

of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ya know.  

 

Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."

 

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of

whiskey,   which he held up for inspection.

 

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step

out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

 

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ya believe me?!?"

 

~~

 

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind

him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he

floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his

tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

 

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't

give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

 

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

 

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed

 

"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

 

~~

 

 

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave

the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from

across the street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi

told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him

to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show

him what to do.    

 

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me

for I have sinned.  I committed adultery."

    

Priest says: "How many times?"

    

Woman: "Three times."

   

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin

no more."    

 

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says,

"Father forgive me  for I have sinned."

    

Priest says, "What did you do?"

    

Man says, "I committed adultery."

    

Priest asks, "How many times?"

    

Man replys, "Three times."

    

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin

no more."    

 

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the

priest leaves.  A  few minutes later another woman enters and

says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

    

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

    

Woman replys, "I committed adultery."

    

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

    

Woman says "Once."

    

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this

week, three for $5.00."

 

 

In Computer Heaven

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

      In Computer Heaven:

         The management is from Intel,

         The design and construction is done by Apple,

         The marketing is done by Microsoft,

         IBM provides the support,

         Gateway determines the pricing.

 

      In Computer Hell:

         The management is from Apple,

         Microsoft does design and construction,

         IBM handles the marketing,

         The support is from Gateway,

         Intel sets the price.

 

 

That Sounds Dirty

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in GOLF but aren't:

 

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

  9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

  8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

  7. Look at the size of his putter

  6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

  5. Mind if I join your threesome?

  4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

  3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

  2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

 

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

 

  1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

 

 

Renewed Expression

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after

    you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into

    your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

     bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,

     shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the

     subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

 

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in

     the fruit you're eating.

 

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day

    consuming only things that are good for you.

 

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter

    when you come at them rapidly.

 

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've

     been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

 

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is

     destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of

     many species.

 

10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about

      yourself that leads to sex.

 

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies

      dwell without funding.

 

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

 

13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts

      until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who

       come to visit.

 

15)  Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and

       prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

 

~~

 

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car  

sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows.  The

driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of

the cows looking at him. 

 

"I believe it's your radiator," said the  cow.     

 

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! 

He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.  "A

cow  just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his

arms franticly back toward the field.     

 

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to    

glance down the field.  "The cow with two big black spots on

it?" the  farmer asked slowly.

    

"Yes!  Yes!  That's the one!" the excited man replied.

 

 "Oh.  Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to    

the man.  "Don't pay any attention to her.  She doesn't know a

thing about cars."

 

~~

 

A man comes home from work to find his wife standing on the porch with her

bags packed and waiting on a cab.  He asks "what do you have your bags

packed for?" "I am going to Nevada and sell what you been getting for free.

 I am gonna sell it for $400 a pop!" she answered.  With that, the husband

runs into the house and in a few minutes he comes back out with his luggage

packed and ready to go. The wife asks "Where the hell you a going?" "I'm

going out there with you to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

 

 

~~

 

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his

tests came  back with great results.    Dr. Smith said, "George

everything looks great physically.  How are you doing mentally,

emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good

relationship with  God?"

 

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when

I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on &

I go to the bathroom and then poof! the  light goes off!"  "Wow,"

commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"

 

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.

'Thelma," he said, "George is just fine.  Physically he's great.

But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with

God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The

light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes

off?'"

 

Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

 

~~

 

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red

Porsche after it had run a stop sign.  "May I see your driver's

license and registration please?"

 

"What's the problem, officer?"

 

"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last

intersection."

 

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".

 

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop,

look both ways, and proceed with caution."

 

"you gotta be kidding me!"

 

"It's no joke, sir".

 

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within

twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

 

"That's beside the point, sir.  You are supposed to come to a

complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and.

. ."

 

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL!  What's the matter,

all the doughnut shops closed?"

 

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment.  Let me see your license

and registration immediately!"

 

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down,

and coming to a complete stop."

 

The police officer had enough.  "Sir, I can do better than that."

He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and

proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his

nightstick.

 

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete

stop?"

 

~~

 

A traveling business man, seperated quite too often from his lovely wife

decided it was time to make it up to her..So he thought and thought about

what to get her as the perfect gift on his return home..He wanted

something that would last and she would enjoy, not just a bunch of

flowers....So at the last minute he decided on getting her a puppy..He ran

to the pet store and purchased a cute little ball of fur...In his haste he

remembered his plane was leaving in a short time..He raced to the airport

and not having too much time left he didn't know what to do with the

puppy..He needed to board the plane but did not have the time to fill out

the paper work..He thought about it a minute then decided to sneak the dog

on board..He thought and thought then at the last minute took the puppy

and slid it down the front of his trousers..He boarded the plane without a

hitch...During the flight he became uncomfortable and started to squirm in

his seat. A passing stewardess noticed the man and asked if he was

alright..The man gritted his teeth and said " I'm fine mam"..The stewardes

kept on going..The sweat started to pour from the mans brow, he squirmed

and wiggled and made all kinds of faces..The same stewardess again noticed

the mans discomfort and asked, " are you sure your OK..The man said look

mam, I'm sorry but I bought my wife this puppy and I did not have time to

make out the papers before getting on board, so I shoved him in my pants

and got on the plane..The stewardess replied, What's the matter with the

puppy ? Is he not house broken? The man replied that was not half the

problem.".He hasn't been weened yet..!!"

 

 

Going to Extremes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her

husband insisted they were an extravagance. 

 

She went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she

was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.

 

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the

new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the

fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the

kitchen."

 

 

Being Clever

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the

auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't

leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If

she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then

she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly

purchased bull.

 

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found

herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she

had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

 

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents.

 

"Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?"

pleaded Lena.

 

"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your  husband a telegram

to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."

 

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I

send to my husband for a dime?"

 

"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her

dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message, "COMFORTABLE."

 

 

Wishes Come True

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he

didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

 

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out

a 12 inch Bic lighter.

 

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

 

"I got it from my genie."

 

"You have a genie?" he asked.

 

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

 

"Could I see him?"

 

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. 

 

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant

me one wish?"

 

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and

the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there

waiting for his million bucks.  Suddenly the sky begins to darken

and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

 

The friend tells his golfing  partner, "I asked for a million bucks

not ducks!"

 

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do

you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

 

~~

 

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen

upon the condom aisle.  The son asks his father why there are so

many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you

see that 3 pack?  That's for when you're in high school.  You

have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then

asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies,

well that's for when you're in college.  You have 2 for Friday

night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

 

Then the son asks his  father what the 12 pack is for.  The

father replies, well that's for when you're married.  You have

one for January, one for February, one for March......

 

~~

 

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming

at thousands of people in the forecourt below.  The Queen says to

the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that

I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a

wave of my hand."

 

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

 

The Queen says, "Watch this".

 

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd

goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and

cheering, basically going ballistic.

 

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to

do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

 

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and

says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go

wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one

nod of my head."

 

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

 

So the Pope headbutts her.

 

~~

 

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,

and seeing no one around to whom it might belong, he slipped it into the

pocket of his shorts.  Later, on his way home, he stopped at the

pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.  A blond standing

next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.  "What's that?" she asked,

her eyes gleaming with lust.  "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blond sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had

tennis elbow once."

 

 

High Standards!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community,

are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet,

nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

 

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy.  Why don't you go over to him

at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

 

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and

says, "Excuse me, mister.  I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I

were wondering why you looked so lonely."

 

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in

prison."

 

"You're kidding!  What for?"

 

"For killing my third wife.  I strangled her."

 

"What happened to your second wife?"

 

"I shot her."

 

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

 

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

 

"Oh my," says Sophie.  Then turning to her friend on the other side of

the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley.  He's single."

 

 

Taste That Eastern Flavor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sometimes a person cannot say what's on his mind.  The words just

won't come.  Or at least, not the right ones.  For example ....  The

following supposedly was nominated "best e-mail of 1997" ( By whom?

Who has the time for that?).  A telephonic exchange between a hotel

guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and

published in the Far East Economic Review... 

 

Room Service: "Morny.   Ruin sorbees."

 

Guest: "Sorry, I thou Guestht I dialled room-service."

 

Room Service : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

 

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

 

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

 

Guest: "What??"

 

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

 

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

 

Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

 

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

 

Room Service: "Hokay.  An San tos?"

 

Guest: "What?"

 

Room Service: "San tos.  July San tos?"

 

Guest: "I don't think so"

 

Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"

 

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one

toes' means."

 

Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow

singuestlish moppinuest we bother?"

 

Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.

Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

 

Room Service: "We bother?"

 

Guest: "No. . . just put the bother on the side."

 

Room Service: "Wad?"

 

Guest: "I mean butter. . .just put it on the side."

 

Room Service: "Copy?"

 

Guest: "Sorry?"

 

Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"

 

Guest: "Yes.  Coffee please, and that's all."

 

Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,

crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and

copy....rye??"

 

Guest: "Whatever you say."

 

Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud."

 

Guest : "You're welcome."

 

 

Getting the Story Straight

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a

young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two

hands. 

 

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the

headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by

Killing Vicious Animal."

 

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

 

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say,

"Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

 

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

 

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read,

"Yankee Kills Family Pet."

 

Purity

-=-=-=-=-

 

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a

fairly regular basis.

 

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said

politely."

 

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping

myself pure until I meet the man I love."

 

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

 

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband

pretty upset."

 

 

Little Ones

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were

so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being

bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his

friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with

flashlights."

 

*************************************************************

 

Brian, a "cool" teenage boy continually challenges his conservative

father by, wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair dyed. "Dad,"

he asked, "Would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved in the back of my

head?"

 

"Sure," came his Father's quick reply.  "But only if you add a Y to

it."

 

 

Driving Absurdities

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap

his/her hand.

 

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil

look, "Buckle up!"

 

3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of

it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

 

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask

him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the

seat.

 

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell

him/her that you thought it was the brake.

 

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say

"Oops."

 

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is

the gas again?"

 

8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and

check the oil.

 

9. Fill your car with beer bottles.

 

10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like

mothballs.

 

11. Tell the registar that you are taking the remedial test.

 

12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

 

13. Swear at everybody on the road.

 

14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking

back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

 

15. Beep your horn at everything.

 

16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to

hold it up.

 

Warning:  If you wish to pass the test, refrain from doing more than

two of these, and be sure to grin widely at the end. ;-]

 

 

Bedside Manner

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.  This is

her first pregnancy.  The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.  How much

will childbirth hurt?"

 

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and

pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

 

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

 

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"A little more..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"No.  A little more..."

 

"Like this?"

 

"Yes.  Does that hurt?"

 

"A little bit."

 

"Now stretch it over your head!"

 

 

Medically Supervised Humor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Q: What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon

A: God doesn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.

_________________________________________________________________

 

Q: Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?

A: You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.

_________________________________________________________________

 

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer

asked, "Are these time release pills?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work after your check

clears."

 

 

Ground Rules

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their

wedding night.

 

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man,

tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."  She put

them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

 

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

 

"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the

man who wears the pants in this family!"

 

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."  He

tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his

kneecaps.

 

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

 

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you

change your attitude..."

 

~~

 

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the

confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street

and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what

to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for

a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the

priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says

"Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery. "Priest says:

"How many times? "Woman: "Three times. "Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys,

put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more. "A few minutes later a man enters

the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned. "Priest

says, "What did you do? "Man says, "I committed adultery. "Priest asks,

"How many times? "Man replies, "Three times. "Priest says, "Say two Hail

Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more. "The Rabbi tells the priest

that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later

another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned.

"Rabbi says, "What did you do?" Woman replies, "I committed adultery.

"Rabbi ask, "How many times?" Woman says "Once." Rabbi says, "Go do it two

more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

 

 

Code Word

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish

who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,

"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

 

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone

who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

 

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the

priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest

arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

 

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in

town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about

having fallen."

 

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new

priest about the code word.

 

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at

the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your

wife fell three times this week."

 

 

Merging Preference

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Directors at Daimler-Benz and Chrysler have announced an agreement to

adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather

than German, which was the other possibility.

 

As part of the negotions, Directors at Chrysler conceded that

English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5

year phase in plan. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the

soft "c."

 

Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this

klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have 1 less letter. There will

be a growing kompany enthusiasm in the sekond year when the

troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f."  This will make words like

"fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

 

In the third year, Daimler-Khrysler akseptanse of the new spelling kan

be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated shanges are

possible.

 

Daimler-Khrysler will enkourage the removal of double letters, which

have always been a determent to akkurate spelling.  Also, all will

agree that the horrible mess of silent "e's" in the language is

disgrakeful, and they would go.

 

By the fourth year, people will be resepetive to steps such as

replaking "th" with "z" and "w" by "v".

 

During ze fifz year, ze unekessary "o" kan be dropped from vords

kontaining "ou", and similiar khanges vuld of kors be applied to all

ozer kombinations of letters.

 

After zis fifz year, ve vill hav a really sensible vriten style.

Zere vill be no more trubls or diffikultis and employee's vill find it

easy to komunikat viz each ozer.

 

Ov kourse all suppliers vill be expekted to svitsh to zis for all

business kommuniktion via Daimler-Khrysler.

 

Ze dream vill finally kome true.

 

 

Basics of Non-Etiquette

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I, Jeanie, thought I'd brief you on Single'sVille... It's damn scary

out there... All of the things on the list below were things that

this guy ACTUALLY did! Yes, it's true.  See, I had invited a few

guests over and this jerk was so outrageous, everyone else was

mildly annoyed, shocked and/or laughing in disbelief. Just for

clarification, none of the other guests did anything on the list

below...

 

Here's a brief synopsis of this guy's visit to my house, along with

three friends, 2 female, 1 male, and his friend - that he called up

from my house to invite over, male.

 

Let's see... I'll title this "A wee list of things men, or strangers

(people I don't know well) in my house, should not do."

 

1) Make references to being an overnight guest at my house in the

past, just in case anyone missed the fact that you've "had" me...

 

2) DARE to come over without eating first, basing it on the premise

that, even though you didn't ask me, AND even though on the phone I

told you I was eating dinner, later when you come over, you're sure

I'd love to play "Lil' Woman" and cook MY food for you. It's a real

bonus if you tell me exactly how to cook it.

 

3) Call me Hon, Sweetie, etc. or some other nauseating affectation

when there IS no relationship.

 

4) Complain that my place, particularly the furniture, isn't up to

your stature or level of comfort, and especially complain about how

uncomfortable the couch is... even though you're not sitting on it.

 

5) Invite people I DON'T KNOW over.

 

6) Interrupt the only other male in the room because you simply MUST

have the attention, regardless of how boring, flat, piffling or

pointless your little stories may be. Bonus: include the word "dude"

(remember, this guy is almost 30) in every sentence as many times as

possible.

 

7) Talk about yourself as being a well-schooled, supremely

intelligent person, gifted artist, and how well you're doing

financially at 29 years of age while still living with Mommy and

Daddy and butchering the basic mechanics of the English language.

 

8) Yawn pointedly and repeatedly while others are talking,

particularly other males.

 

9) Interrupt someone's very funny story to ask why I don't have a

stereo, and then complain loudly that I don't have a stereo while the

person tries to pick up where they were interrupted. As an added

bonus, interrupt anyone else's conversation to interject, whatever the

topic, how it applies to your life and somehow "tops" or "bests" the

other person's story, because of course, the conversation must always

come BACK TO YOU.

 

10) Quickly hop over to the comfy chair the minute someone gets up to

pee, because you've already puled and whined about how uncomfortable

everything else is...

 

11) Take your shoes off and lay down on the floor while everyone

else is seated and ask for a pillow because you're tired.

 

12) Complain how tired you are; when you realize no one cares,

upon being prompted to simply leave, state "I'll stay if YOU want me

to," because of course, the other guests don't mean squat, as you've

aptly demonstrated for over three hours.

 

13) Find room in your BIG GUT - and I do mean UNNECESSARILY huge

(after examining my near-empty refrig/freezer) to ask me to make you

MORE food.

 

14) State in a staged whisper to me (and the others) that you don't

want me to pay attention to the guest you've invited over because

you're jealous and he's good looking... Umm even though you know

you're not getting into my pants... ever, ever, EVER again...

 

15) Make references to what a slob I normally am to other guests and

that the REAL mess must be in the bedroom (because, of course, YOU'VE

been there...)

 

16) Sit on the floor and try to place your head in my lap, staking

your "territory" to other males as though we're somehow dating...???

...NOT

 

~~

 

Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one

winter evening, and as they were rounding the turn the driver

lost control of the vehicle, which ran off the road and down a

hillside, bursting into flame and killing everyone inside.

 

Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St.

Peter.

 

Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said,

"YOU?  All YOU ever thought about in life was drinking!  You

drank every morning, every evening, on the weekends, at

lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!"

 

He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU!  You thought of

nothing but money!  Everything in your life had to do with greed,

money, making money, keeping money, making more money...you even

married a girl named Penny!"

 

The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away.  "Come

on, Fanny, I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say

to us."

 

~~

 

There's this guy in a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that

for a half-hour.  Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next

to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The

poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says:  "Come on man, I was just

joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink.  I just can't see a man

crying."  "No, it's not that.  This day is the worst of my life.  First, I

fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When

I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The

police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I

leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.  The cab

driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife

in bed with the gardener.  I leave home, and come to this bar.  And when I

was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my

poison..."

 

~~

 

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much

 

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of

calories per hour they consume.

 

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100

Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150

Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50

Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100

Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250

Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500

Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50

Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . .  75

Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200

Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25

Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350

Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225

Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25

Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750

Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75

Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160

Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

 

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities,

including:

 

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50

Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300

Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90

Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25

Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6

Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

 

~~

 

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender

finally says that the bar is closing.  So the Irishman stands up

to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more

time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some

fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

 

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.  So he

decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at

the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls

through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he

tries one more time to stand up.

 

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly

falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head

hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife

standing over him shouting at him.

 

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

 

"What makes you say that?"  He asks as he puts on an innocent

look.

 

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

~~

 

A man and his wife are doing yard work.  The husband says to the wife,

"Your rear end is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A little

later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then

goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, he

measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill."

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She

calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little

wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

 

~~

 

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum

and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen!

Thirteen! Thirteen!"

 

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks

in.  Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

 

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen!

Fourteen! Fourteen!"

 

~~

 

    Once a sardarji was travelling in a flight.

    One of the airhostess' came to him and said "COT".

    The embarrassed sardarji asks her "wh.. what do you mean?".

    She says in a sweet voice "Coffee or Tea?".

    "Tea" says the sardarji.

    After some time the airhostess comes back with tea and says "PISS".

    This time the sardarji is baffled.

    She says politely "Please Include Some Sugar".

    While leaving the bill the airhostess says to the sardarji "CUNT".

    Indignant with rage the sardarji says "Please control your language".

    To this the airhostess says "Cash Up No Tips".

    Just before landing the airhostess' have a laugh over the sardarji's

    reaction,

    when up comes our man and says "COCK".

    The utterly baffled airhostess stammers "Wh.. What does that stand

    for?"

    With a triumphant look the sardarji says

  

    "If it doesn't stand for you it will stand for no one".

 

~~

 

HOW TO KILL AN EEL (A true story)

 

      Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,

rather cur-ious.  He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from

other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

 

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the

cur-tains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.  This

he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his

mother.

 

 Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off

most of the lights.  Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis

must be getting sick because her face started looking funny.  He must

have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel

her heart, just like the doctor would.  Except he's not as good as the

doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

 

  He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started

panting and getting all out of breath.  His other hand must have been

getting cold because he put it under her skirt.  About this time, sis

got toward the end of the couch.  This was when the fever started.  I

know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

 

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten

inside his pants somehow.  It just jumped out of his pants and stood

there about 9 inches long.  HONEST!  anyway, he grabbed it in one hand

to keep it from getting away.  When sis saw it she got really scared.

Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God

and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

 

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.

All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go.  I guess it bit

her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a

muzzle out of his pocket and sliped it over the eels head to keep it

from biting again.  Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a

scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel.  The

eel put up a hell of a fight.  Sis started groaning and squeeling and

her boyfriend almost upset the couch.  I guess they wanted to kill the

eel by squishing it between them.

 

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.  Her

boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel.  I knew it was

dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were

hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,

but they went on courting anyway.  He started hugging and kissing her

again, and by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all.  It jumped straight

up and started to fight again.  I guess eels are like cats...  They have

nine lives or something.

 

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.

After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel.  I know

it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel of the skin and

flush it down the toilet.

 

Mother fainted.

 

~~

Indian Elections - Recognised Parties and their Symbols

 

The Chief Election Commissioner, Mr. T. N. Station has released the names of

the parties that have been recognised as Nationil Parties and the various

symbols allotted to them. The following is the list.

 

CONdress (I)..............................: Suitcase

CONdress (He).............................: Chappal

CONgrace (She)............................: Saree

Jainta Dal................................: Jute Bag

Parathiya Jainta Party....................: Monkey

COMAnist Party of India (CPI).............: Hammer

COMAnist Party of India - Mar-peets (CPIM): Hammer and Pickle

Bhojan Samaj Party (BSP)..................: Potato

Tamata Party (ntbcw Samata Party).........: Tomato

Shrimp Sena...............................: Laathi (Stick)

Scamwadi Jailka Party.....................: Jail Cell

A Kela Dal (ProCash)......................: Banana 

Donation Kazhagam (DK)....................: Idli

Donation Money Kazhagam (DMK).............: Goggles

All India Donation Money Kazhagam (AIDMK).: Weird Looking Coat

Telugu DiviSons Party (Son)...............: Mango Pickle

Telugu DiviSons Party (Son-in-Law)........: Chilli Pickle    

Telugu DiviSons Party (Step Mother).......: Rolling Pin

Kerala CONdress (John)....................: Coconut

Kerala CONdress (Jacob)...................: Coconut (peeled)      

Kerala CONdress (Joseph)..................: Door Mat

Indian Union Masalamen League (Iqbal).....: Pan

Indian Union Masalamen League (Maqbool)...: Beedi

Indian Union Masalamen League (Jabbar)....: Cigarette

Machlis Idlihadul Masalamen (MIM).........: Fish

 

~~

 

A man with a 50 inch long dick goes to his doctor to complain

that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him.  They

all tell me that my dick is too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you

can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.

But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."  So the doctor

gives him  directions to the witch.  The man calls upon the witch and

relays his story.

"Witch, my dick is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to

have sex with me.  Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it."

The man uncoils his 50 inch rod. The witch stares in amazement,

scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to

your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the

forest.  In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help

solve your  dilemma.

First you must ask the frog, will you marry me?  Each time the frog

declines your proposal, your dick will be ten inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.  He

came upon  the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log.  He

called out  to the frog, "will you marry me?"  The frog looked at

him  dejectedly and replied, "NO".  The man looked down and suddenly his

dick was 10 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!  But it's still too

long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted.  The frog rolled

its eyes  back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"  The man felt

another twitch in his dick, looked down, and it was another 10 inches

shorter.  The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his dick again, 30 inches long, and reflected

for a  moment.  Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less

would be  ideal.  So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more

time.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will

you marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its head,

"NO!..........NO!!..........and for the last time..........NO!!!"

 

~~

 

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway

across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to

die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their

rescue, but to no avail.  Soon the camel died.

    

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not

going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed

their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun,

"You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing

I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking

off your clothes so I can look at you?"

    

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to

take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father,

now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would

you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

    

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun

exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your

legs?"

    

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I

put it in you, it creates a new life."

    

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

    

     --------------------------------------------------------------------

     A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a

     priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red

     lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn

     coat pocket.

    

     He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few minutes the

     disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what

     causes arthritis?"

    

     "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,

     too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

    

     "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    

     The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and

     apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How

     long have you had arthritis?"

    

     "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

~~

    

 Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a

  game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one

  by one others add to it. She thinks and decides not to start

  with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always has some

  "unusual" pictures in mind. So she starts with Anne.

 

  Anne: "This is our house".

 

                       /\

                      /  \

                     /    \

                    /      \

                   /        \

                  |          |

                  |          |

                  |          |

                  |          |

 

  Mrs. Smith: "Good, Anne". Asks Peter to draw next.

  Peter: "This is our house's door".

 

                       /\

                      /  \

                     /    \

                    /      \

                   /        \

                  |          |

                  |    __    |

                  |   |  |   |

                  |   |  |   |

                  ------------

 

  Mrs. Smith: "Very Good, Peter", and calls Mary.

  Mary: "This is our house's roof".

 

                       /\

                      /UU\

                     /    \

                    /      \

                   /        \

                  |          |

                  |    __    |

                  |   |  |   |

                  |   |  |   |

                  ------------

 

  Mrs. Smith: "Very nice, Mary", and calls Steve.

  Steve: "This is the sun over our house".

 

                      \|/

                      -O-

                      /|\

                       /\

                      /UU\

                     /    \

                    /      \

                   /        \

                  |          |

                  |    __    |

                  |   |  |   |

                  |   |  |   |

                  ------------

 

  Mrs. Smith: "Very nice, Steve", and thinks, there is not much

  damage that Johnny can do with this picture, so she asks

  Johnny to come to the board.

 

  Johnny: "This is U'r husband, trying to pick up the soap when he

  dropped it in the shower".

 

                   ---------

                  /         \

                 /           \

                /     \|/     \

               /      -O-      \

              |       /|\       |

              |        /\       |

              |       /UU\      |

              |      /    \     |

              |     /      \    |

              |    /        \   |

              |   |          |  |

              |   |    __    |  |

            __|   |   |  |   |  |__

           (______|   |  |   |_____)

                      ----

 

 

 

**********************************************************************

                  KUBAT MASALA MIX

**********************************************************************

 

Turu ruttu tu turu ruttu turu.....

             Bill to pagal hain

             Bill Deewana hain

             ache bure softwares banvata hain yahi,

             hasata he yahi, rulata hain,

             usme phir 'bugs' dalta hain wohi,

             aur solutions bhi nikalta hain,

             Bill to....

para 1 ( by Some wise people of software industry)

             iss Bill ki bato mein jo aate hain,

             woto oolu ban jatte hain,

             software to dusare bhi banate hain,

             banake magar kho jate hain,

             Hmmm Bill to.....

para 2 (majority of Indian software industry)

             softwares ko main na pehechanungi,

             working bhi na mein uska janungi,

             microsoft ka logo bass mein dekhungi,

             Bill jo kahega wohi manungi.

             Bill to....

para 3 ( Judges of the software industry)

             Bill ka kehna hum sab maane,

             Bill na kisi ki maane,

             uski strategy jaan li hamne,

             ek wohi na maane.

             Bill to ....

part 4 ( some people who found bugs and are snatchin hairs)

             Chodo ye Bill sab kahaniya,

             'bugs' ki hain sab nishaniya,

             programmers ki sari pareshaniya,

             iss Bill ki hain ye meherbaniya.

             Hmmm Bill to pagal hain....

 

~~

 

I talk, he talk; Why do you middle middle talk?

(beech, beech = middle, middle)

 

"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"

 

"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"

 

" Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in "

 

" Why are you naat filupping the blanks ? "

 

Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter

continue her studies or get her married :

" Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu marry

  her, then marry her ."

 

Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :

" Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations "

 

" Don't talk like that in front of my back "

 

""Dont stand in front of my back"

 

" Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying . No shock. "

 

" Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A. "

 

"Repeat again please!"

 

"Mistake became wrong!"

 

 Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?

 

Pliss, close the fan!

 

He/she's my cousin brother/sister

 

He/she's my co-brother/sister

 

Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.

 

Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud

 

Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law

 

Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off

 

Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?

 

naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils

 

An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:

" Take an elephant of negligible weight"

 

heard in kitchen:

No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating

 

It's so hot! Please on the fan no.

 

Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of

sul

phuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "

 

A gardener scolding three kids : " Both of u three, don't under-stand the tree "

 

"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "

 

Pune'ites, and   Bombay'ites will understand this - " This is not 'parvadable'"

 

 

  "Issac New Ton is great scientist. In India, apple falls on head and he go

back to invent Gravity. He is friend and follower of Mahatma Gandhi in fight

for freedom.There is a statue to him with long coat and long hair. He great

 

"A cow has 2 horns with sharp points and Bull between tham. It has 4 legs and

stands on its own feet". It ended with a touch of logic, "A cow gives milk

which we drink. Therefore, it is our mother."

 

"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"

 

"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"

 

"Run with the fence" (alongside)

 

"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)

 

"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)

 

"Why aren't you kneel downing?"

 

 

 Look at the climate man, it's too hot to play.

                  ^^^^^^^

 If you talk, I'll kneel down (Always wished he would, but found

                                    out that, that's not what he meant)

  Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)

 

 The principal just passed away.

 

 Who took out the breeze of my cykill.

 

Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).

 

My cykill is understanding the tree.

 

 

Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!

 

Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!

 

 

Morning morning why you rotate my head" ? (a direct translation from the

   Marathi equivalent!)

       

 

Rational Decision Making

 ------------------------

  There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one

to marry.  So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them

spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets

new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the

man, I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so

much. The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a

television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.  She says, I bought

these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles

her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I

Love you so much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money

and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

 

 

Five Long Years

 ---------------

A man had been marooned on a desert island for five years, when one day, a

female surfer came along. They started chatting, and she asked ;When was the

last time you had any alcohol?;. ;Five years ago; he replied.

 

She proceeded to unzip the left breast pocket of her wetsuit, and pulled out a small bottle of brandy. The man gratefully drank this.

Then she asked ;When was the last time you had a cigarette?;. ;Oh, about five years ago;. From her other breast pocket, she pulled out a packet of cigarettes, and they each had a smoke.

She then asked ;When was the last time you . . you know . . the most Popular male past time?;. ;Five long years ago; he replied. She stood up, and started to unzip the front of her wetsuit. The man leapt up in excitement, and said ;What? You've got golf clubs too?

 

 

Kinky

 ----

  The man comes home one night and demands that his wife strips.  She

quickly does.  Then he demands that she do a handstand in front of the

mirror.  She thinks she is in for something really kinky and wild, so

she does.  He then demands that she spread her legs.  He puts his chin into

the crotch of her legs and gazes into the mirror for a few minutes.

 

Yes,he says, the guys at work are right.  I would look stupid with a beard.

 

 

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Finn

 ----------------------------------

 

 A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Finn in an overseas flight.  After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

Last night I made love to my wife four times, the Frenchman  bragged, and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me. Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, the Italian responded, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.

When the Finn remained silent, the Frenchman smugly  asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night? Once, he replied.

Only once? the Italian arrogantly snorted. And what did she say to you this morning?

Don't stop.

 

Dream on

 --------

  An 84 year old man, married to a 24 year old,  visits his doctor for a

check-up and proudly announces that they are expecting a baby.

The doctor said Let me tell you a story: There was a man going on safari in Kenya.

He woke up in the morning and, being scatter-brained took his umbrella

Instead of his rifle on safari. Out in the wild he faced a lion - he lifted his

umbrella and shot the lion.

Impossible! replied the old man, Somebody must have been shooting from the side!.

Exactly.; said the doctor.

 

~~

 

 If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

    

 Patron: Waiter!

 Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What

 seems to be the problem?

    

 Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

 Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

 Patron: No, it's still there.

 Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a

 fork instead

    

 Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

 Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of

 bowl are you using?

 Patron: A SOUP bowl!

 Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem; how

 was the bowl set up?

 Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly

 in my soup?!

 Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in

 your soup?

 Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

 Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

 Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

 Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

 Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

 Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

 Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.  I'm  running late

 now.

    

 [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

    

 Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.

 Patron: This is potato soup.

 Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

 Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

    

 [waiter leaves.]

    

 Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!

    

    

 The check:

 Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00

 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50

 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00

 

 

~~

 

Subject:    Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'

 

 Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?

 A.  Borofkin.

 Q.  What's his first name?

 A.  I can't remember.

 Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember

          his first name?

 A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair

          and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them

          your first name!

 

 Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

 A.  I refuse to answer that question.

 Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

 A.  I refuse to answer that question.

 Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

 A.  No.

 

 Q.  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

 A.  By death.

 Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?

 

 Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

 A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

 

 Q.  What is your name?

 A.  Ernestine McDowell.

 Q.  And what is your marital status?

 A.  Fair.

 

 Q.  Are you married?

 A.  No, I'm divorced.

 Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

 A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.

 

 Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?

 A.  My ex-widow said it.

 

 Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

 A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children

          by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

 

 Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

 A.  I will be three months November 8th.

 Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

 A.  Yes.

 Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?

 

 Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

 A.  I should be.

 Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide?

 A.  Four times.

 

 Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?

 A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

 

 Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?

 A.  Yes, sir.

 Q.  Before or after he died?

 

 Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the

          influence?

 A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

 

 Q.  What happened then?

 A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can

          identify me."

 Q.  Did he kill you?

 A.  No.

 

 Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a

          deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

 

 THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present

            information and prejudice from your minds, if you have

            any.

 

 Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

 A.  No.

 Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?

 A.  Picking them up in the air.

 Q.  Where was the dog at this time?

 A.  Attached to the ears.

 

 Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and

          were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on

          her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning

          you and she, with him to the station?

 

MR. BROOKS: Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.

 

 Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.?

          What school do you go to?

 A.  Oral.

 Q.  How old are you?

 A.  Oral.

 

 Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

 A: She is my daughter.

 Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

 

 Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was

         a victim?

 

 Q: ...and what did he do then?

 A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.

 Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

 

 Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

 A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

 

 Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe

         with respect to your scalp?

 A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

 Q: It was covered?

 A: Yes, bandaged.

 Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?

 A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put

         on top of my head.

 

 Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?

 A: I could see his head.

 Q: And where was his head?

 A: Just above his shoulders.

 

 Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this

 defendant?

 A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch---and

         she did!

 

 Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?

 A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

 

 Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder

         trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

 A: The victim lived.

 

 Q: Are you sexually active?

 A: No, I just lie there.

 

 Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

 

 Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective

         witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?

 A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

 

 Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

 A: It indicates intercourse.

 Q: Male sperm?

 A. That is the only kind I know.

 

 Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?

 A: Yes, sir.

 Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

 

 Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

 

~~

 

 

 

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher

wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to

heaven first.  One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes

to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I

think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher.  The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's

hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which

part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."  The teacher asked him

why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom

had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

------------------------------------------------------------- ----

 

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was teaching the

alphabet.  "Okay class, today I'm going to call out a letter.  You have to stand

up when I call on you, recite the letter and a word that begins with the letter.

 Ready?  The first letter is 'A'."

Little Johnny, of course, instantly raises his hand eagerly.

The teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call on Johnny.  He'll say 'asshole' or

'asswipe' or something like that."  So she calls on little Susie.

Susie stands up and says, "A.  Apple."

"Very good Susie!  Okay class, the next letter is 'C'." Little Johnny again

instantly raises his hand in earnest.

Again, the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call Johnny.  He'll say

'cocksucker' or 'cunt' or 'crap' or something like that."  So she calls on

little Bart.  Bart stands up and says, "C.  Cat." "Very good Bart!"

Now the teacher starts thinking that if she doesn't come up with something for

Johnny to answer with, she'll go bonkers.  Hmmmmm, 'R' doesn't have anything too

nasty?  "Ok class, the next letter is 'R'." Little Johnny hesitates and then

raises his hand high as he can.  "Okay Johnny."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "R.  Rats." "Very good Johnny!  Ok..." Johnny

blurts out, "BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS LONG!!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------- ----

 

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of

hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.  First,

she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a

beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.  She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at

the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,

'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

------------------------------------------------------------- ----

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that

the word of the day is 'contagious.'  She asks if anyone can use this word in a

sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says.  Carl says,

"My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher

says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.

"Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin

around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little

model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the

fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish

that fence."

------------------------------------------------------------- ---------

 

At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny,

 

"Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure,"

little Johnny replied.  "They go out in back of the church yard."

------------------------------------------------------------- ---------

 

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother.

She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the

house.  Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny disappears for about four

hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting

today?", his mother asks. "I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies. Mom

says, "That's great!  How do you do that?". "Well, first you get the son of

bitch.  Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So

you shave a cunt hair of here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn

thing up." Johnny's mom is floored by his language.  "You go to your room and

wait until your father gets home!!". Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and

says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom

how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me", Dad asks? "Well, first you get the

 

son of bitch.  Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking

small.  So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the

goddamn thing up." Dad screams, "That's it young man.  You go get a switch from

the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the

electricians job!"

------------------------------------------------------------- ---------

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was

listening to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the

adjoining room. She heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of

bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last

stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the

goddam train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this

house.  Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you

said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you

to use much nicer language. Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and

resumed playing with the train.  Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son

say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your

belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will

ride with us again soon.  For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your

hand luggage under the seat.

Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car.  We hope you

will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today.  For those of you who are

pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in

the kitchen!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and

you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

 

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and

picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

 

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.  Now, for the second.  It's

soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

 

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to

call on him.  But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

 

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato.  But I like you're thinking. Here's

another:  it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

 

By now, Johnny is about to expolde as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher

skips him again and calls on Sally.  "A banana," she says.

 

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Jonny is

kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.

 

"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've

got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."

 

"Johnny!"  she cries.  "That's disgusting!"

 

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day in math class the teacher asks Johnny the following question.  "If there

are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many birds are left on the fence?"

 Johnny replies, "None, because after I shoot the first bird, the others will

fly away."  The teacher says, "Well, the correct answer is 'three birds', but I

like your thinking."

 

So Johnny says, "Well I have a question for you... There are three women in an

ice cream shop eating ice cream cones.

The first woman is licking the cone. The second woman is biting the cone.  And

the third woman is sucking the cone. Which one is married?"  The teacher

replies, "I don't know. I guess the one that is sucking the cone."  To which

Johnny says, "Well the correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring', but I

like your thinking."

 

~~

 

 

Daily Notes

A 12-Step Program

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

 

How To Install Software:  A 12-Step Program

 

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.  It should look something like this:

 

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER

628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM

719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE

3546 MB RAM

432323 MB ROM

05948737 MB RPM

ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM

2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

 

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and  trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

 

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a  3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed  envelope that says:

 

LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

 

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

 

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

 

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

 

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

 

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after  which the following message should appear on your screen:

 

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?       Choose one, and be honest:

 

+---------+    +-----------+

|  YES    |    |  SURE     |

+---------+    +-----------+

 

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and  whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.  At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"   "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

 

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

 

CONGRATULATIONS

 

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

 

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

 

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

 

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

 

And so that's the easy way to install software...

 

~~

 

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

 

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

 

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." 

 

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

 

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this.  I've got a date with the cat."

 

~~

 

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.

 

After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a

Rabbi... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

 

The Priest replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!

 

The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest.

 

The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.

 

The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 

The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

~~

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:  To get to the other side.

 

PLATO:  For the greater good.

 

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

 

KARL MARX:  It was a historical inevitability.

 

TIMOTHY LEARY:  Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 

JACK NICHOLSON:  'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason.

 

RONALD REAGAN:  I forget.

 

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 

HIPPOCRATES:  Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

 

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:  Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.

Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support  of  its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.

Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with an eterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.

The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.

Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

 

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:  The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

 

FOX MULDER:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

 

RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

 

MACHIAVELLI:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

 

JERRY SEINFELD:  Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

 

FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 

BILL GATES:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

 

OLIVER STONE:  The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

 

DARWIN:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

 

EINSTEIN:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

 

 Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

 

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:  The chicken did not cross the road ....it transcended it.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die.  In the rain.

 

COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?

 

~~

 

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.

 

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"

 

"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

 

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.

 

She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"

 

~~

 

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand.  The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

 

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is

going to be loud!"

 

Mom's Dictionary

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

ADULTS: Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several hours of talking in small words about topics like "who touched who first"

 

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

 

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child- sized creature cleaning up after itself.

 

APPLE: Nutritious lunch time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

 

BABY: 1.  Dad, when he gets a cold. 2.  Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

 

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

 

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

 

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

 

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

 

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

 

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

 

COOK: 1.  Act of preparing food for consumption. 2.  Mom's other name.

 

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

 

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

 

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

 

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

 

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

 

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

 

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

 

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

 

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

 

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

 

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

 

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

 

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

 

FROZEN: 1.  A type of food. 2.  How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

 

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

 

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

 

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

 

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

 

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

 

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

 

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

 

HOMEBREAD BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

 

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

 

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

 

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

 

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

 

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

 

"JEEEEEEEEZ!" : Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

 

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

 

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

 

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goo kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

 

KISS: Mom medicine.

 

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

 

A Mom's Dictionary 2´

 

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of .15 cents.

 

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

 

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

 

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

 

MAYBE: No.

 

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

 

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

 

MUSH:  1.  What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2.  Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

 

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

 

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

 

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

 

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

 

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

 

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

 

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

 

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

 

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

 

QUIET: A State of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

 

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

 

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

 

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.  SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.

 

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

 

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom

 

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

 

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

 

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

 

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, fly and even pneumonia.

 

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

 

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

 

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

 

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

 

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

 

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

 

A Mom's Dictionary 3

 

TROUBLE: Area of non-specific space a child can always be sure to be in.

 

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

 

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

 

UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"

 

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

 

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

 

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

 

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

 

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

 

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

 

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long!  See also "DRUMS"

 

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

 

"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.  See also "YAHOO!"

 

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

 

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

 

 

 

A Natural ProcessA Natural Process

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.  "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

 

The client  places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

 

"And what if I swallow it?"

 

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

A priest, a minister and ..

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for

his opinion on this question.

 

The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on  Sundays."

 

The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a  minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer.

 

He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

 

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.

 

The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."

 

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"

 

The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid

do it.

 

 Shuttle To New York

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York.  One sat

in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.  Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs.  He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in

when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

 

"No problem," said the Israeli.  "I'll get it for you."  While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.

 I think I'll have one too."

 

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.  The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short

flight to New York.

 

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

 

"How long must this go on?" he asked.  "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

 

A Tad Too Much

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

 

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate."

 

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "Your Passionate." The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.

 

She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

 

A Teacher's Many Duties

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.

 

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.

 

One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.

 

Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.

 

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

 

"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."

 

A woman's 4 Favorite Animals

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1.  A Mink: to provide a beautiful coat

 

2.  A Jaguar: to reside in her garage

 

3.  A Tiger: to keep her happy in the bedroom

 

4.  A Jackass: to pay for all the above

 

Acronym Overuse

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman hails a cab in NYC, jumps in and says to the cabbie. "T.G.I.F."

 

The cabbie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Huh?"

 

She repeats, "T.G.I.F."

 

The cabbie thinks about that for a moment and says, "S.H.I.T."

 

Not understanding, she inquires about the meaning of the acronym.

 

The cabbie responds, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"

 

Ad Funnies

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!

 

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

 

For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

 

Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

 

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

 

Man, honest. Will take anything.

 

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

 

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

 

Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.

 

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.

 

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

 

And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

 

Additions to Murphy's Laws

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"The Law of Volunteering"

If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

 

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

 

"The Law of Common Sense"

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

 

"The Law of Reality"

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

 

"The Law of Self Sacrifice

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

 

"Weiler's Law"

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

 

"Law of Probable Dispersal"

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

 

"Law of Volunteer Labor"

People are always available for work in the past tense.

 

"Conway's Law"

In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

 

"Iron Law of Distribution"

Them that has, gets.

 

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"

There is always one more bug.

 

"Law of Drunkedness"

You can't fall off the floor.

 

"Heller's Law"

The first myth of management is that it exists.

 

"Osborne's Law"

Variables won't; constants aren't.

 

"Main's Law"

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

 

"Weinberg's Second Law"

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

 

Adventures Away!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

 

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."  The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

 

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. 

 

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs

in full.

 

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. 

 

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." 

 

All three fork over the money.  The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.  "See there in the distance.  That's the hospital where I had it done!"

 

All in the Family

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes

up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

 

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!  Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate.

 

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

 

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

 

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man says, "Nope. Sure ain't."

 

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

 

American Advisory

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.  It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

 

General Overview

 

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe.  It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.  It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

 

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney.  Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

 

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food.  One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at.  As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

 

The People

 

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink andsmoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line.  The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

 

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior.  Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common.  Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

 

American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

 

Safety

 

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany.  By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.

 

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

 

History

 

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.  Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

 

Government

 

The French form of government is democratic but noisy.  Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off.  For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

 

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly.  Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.

 

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques.  Further information is not available at this time.

 

Culture

 

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why.  All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.  And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

 

American Advisory 2­    Cuisine

 

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back.  Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.  In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

 

Economy

 

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all.  If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they  are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.  France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

 

 

Public Holidays

 

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

 

Conclusion

 

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate.  In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.

 

The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

 

A Word of Warning

 

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

 

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad.  Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

 

Thank you and good luck.

 

 

Another Day at the Office

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something lately that said Macrosoft was "the technological equivalent of a sweatshop" and it bothered me. I want to set the record straight so I decided to record what I do on a typical day at work. I hope this will clear things up. Thank you.

 

4:33 AM -- I woke up and put my pillow and blankket into the bottom drawer of my desk. Went down the hall for a double espresso but some idiot had turned the machine off. Had to settle for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office and asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn't gotten used to the floor.

 

4:38 AM -- Gordon's back cracked a little too looudly and he left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my mail. Hmmm.... Wow! There's a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They've decided to call it Industry '99 because it will do everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business. Kewl, deud!

 

4:41 AM -- Got another bloody nose. I don't beliieve that damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Damn! I'm out of Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet. 

 

4:43 AM -- Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss  my ass.

 

4:45 AM -- Started coding. These hidden functionns are tough. I don't know how they expect me to stop someone's modem lights from  blinking while we upload their life's history during registration.  Hmmm.... Maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver will do the trick.

 

5:01 AM -- Time for breakfast. Damned microwave.. Even on defrost it  still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at  least old Gordon's not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on  Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy was maintenance pissed. Took 'em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one I'm  sure....

 

5:10 AM -- Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though.  Man that hurts. Twinkie guts will do that to ya every time. Read  the company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that the  wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at Bill's  new estate. Damn, at the rate they're going they'll move in on the  same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum to  Washington. Oops! Maybe I shouldn't have said that. That's a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.

 

5:16 AM -- Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.00 Beta. Just installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren't sure if that bug will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really hosed though and that pisses me off. Can't get my stock quotes.

 

5:22 AM -- Gordon called. Says they've got him iin a back brace.

   Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids

   so he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed though. Better not

   play basketball with him anytime soon.

 

5:28 AM -- Damned contractor called in. He says his father died.  Guess I'll be testing today too. Oh well, I'll throw in a few   extra-nasty bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned guys   are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies.

 

5:37 AM -- Cutting more code. Damned DOA objectss. Never do what you   want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed   it into the server in building 36. The bastards don't even give me   delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and thrash it before the   shit hits the fan. '______

_1998/07/05__Another Day at the Office 2B_6:13 AM -- Just got back. Shit, that was close. I had to   practically sell my soul to get that picture deleted. Lucky for me   that Bob had to go take a dump. Only problem was he had just   started the backup, so I bumped into the tape to stop it and the   frigging server went down. Oh well, he'll be so busy cleaning that   shit up he won't have time to figure out what happened.

 

6:22 AM -- Gordon called back. His back is worsee than they thought.   He was leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told them he   slipped on some dog poop that was out front and now they're worried   he's going to sue 'em. They're admitting him for observation.

 

6:41 AM -- Jerry just got in. Man, he's such a pprick. His "Pammy" just walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the  tonsils with him just for my benefit. Damned contractors and their   girlfriends. Think I'll call H.R. and see if this is sexual   harassment.

 

7:19 AM -- Got another call from Gordon. Apparenntly he has a   ruptured disc and is going into emergency surgery.

 

7:32 AM -- Got a note about a special meeting. TThe loon that   freaked out yesterday screwed up the source code and we're gonna   have to re-do some stuff. Be back later.

 

9:17 AM -- Boy, what a ball buster. That wacko rreally trashed the project. Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and   massacred half the code. They also mentioned that the backup was no   good because that moron Bob screwed it up this morning. God smiles  on me.

 

9:49 AM -- Finally got PointCast going and downlloaded the news.  There's another article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh,  better do some clean up work.

 

10:13 AM -- Finished re-formatting my drive and loading Netscape  since at least it works. Now, I'm waiting for the system to finish  loading. I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked it away in  the trunk.

 

10:27 AM -- Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec  meeting in three minutes.

 

11:45 AM -- Another meeting from hell. I don't know why they call  them specs. You never actually see them until the project is done  and off to shipping. I'm going to lunch.

 

12:12 PM -- Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don't know  what it is about the cheese though. Looks a little like a dried  booger. They finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria. About damned  time.

 

12:26 PM -- Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line was  too long. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I looked  nice. Hmmm... I wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better call H.R.  about the "lip lizards."

 

1:03 PM -- Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. Shhe said I might have  a case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye  contact with me while they were sucking face. I Suppose I could  lie. Bitch wants me anyway; I can tell.

 

1:41 PM -- Jerry just left, glaring like the priick he is. I think  Rebecca just nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite me, you moron.

 

1:48 PM -- Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a douuble latte. That  should bring me down a little. Gordon's wife left a message on my  machine saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down. They think  it's permanent. Just hope the bastard can't talk either. I'm  calling my lawyer.

 

2:16 PM -- Rebecca called back and has her tittiies in a tizzy.  Seems Jerry the Fairy took Pammy-Eats-My-Hammy down to her office  and mentioned that little incident from last week. I told her it  wasn't even close to a grope, more like a wedgie. Oh, well,  something else for the lawyer.

 

2:29 PM -- Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new guy.  Damned contractors. Make more money than us and have that innocent  look. Bradford, huh. That's your name? Okay, scumbag, the next  virus will be named after you.

 

2:52 PM -- Whew. Went down to the car and took aa shot of NyQuill.  Man, I gotta come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call the lawyer.

 

Another Day at the Office 3†

3:20 PM -- Oh shit! Damned lawyer called me! Gorrdon just croaked  and the cops want to talk to me at five. The freaky bastard anyway.  What the hell did he think I was, a frigging chiropractor?

 

3:51 PM -- Damned nose is spewing blood like a ffire hydrant. Be  back in a minute.

 

4:16 PM -- Got the bleeding stopped but Janitoriial is livid. They  say the stain won't come out of the carpet but hell, it's already  kind of red.

 

4:58 PM -- Just got handed a notice to appear beefore the harassment  board on Monday. That ass Jerry. I'll get him and that prissy bitch  too.

 

5:22 PM -- Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuill is wworking a little.  These pizza rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some next month  when I go to the store.

 

5:55 PM -- Cops showed up because I forgot to goo see them. Damned  Gestapo gave me the third degree. The lawyer was already here  because Jerry filed a lawsuit. Gordon's wife is on her way over  with a gun.

 

6:29 PM -- Man, what a day. Gordon's wife was caaught in the parking  lot but wouldn't leave until she was allowed to bitch me out. They  took me downstairs and I faced her. Then all hell broke loose when  her dog jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin. Bitch must  have had him trained by some feminist group. Just stopped in to get  my jacket before they take me over to the hospital.

 

8:51 PM -- Back at last. Damned dog did some dammage. Five stitches  and some rabies shots. I still don't know what the penicillin was  all about. They didn't even have any real coffee there. Gotta go  get a cup.

 

9:00 PM -- Cops just phoned. I have to be at thee courthouse  tomorrow morning for arraignment. They said I should bring my  attorney. Ha, ha, joke's on them. We'll be there anyway dealing  with Jerry and Pammy.

 

9:36 PM -- Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new  asshole's system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.

 

9:58 PM -- Last code for the day. I finished thee new voice help  feature. This is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra special.  If you play it backwards it says "Pammy fucks the band". Man,  technology is great.

 

10:25 PM -- Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra clothes tomorrow.

 

10:49 PM -- Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out. Nothing  is working. Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better make it  last.

 

11:22 PM -- Couldn't find my porno mags. I think Jerry got them.  God, court is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year.

 

11:43 PM -- Called mom. She said I didn't get any mail. No news is  good news, I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last week. Asked  if I would be home soon.

 

12:32 AM -- Well, I think the day is over. I'm going to crash if I can find a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the computer to   wake me up early. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight.

 

Any similarities between this and any real company are  intentionally coincidental.

 

As Good As It Gets

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses.  "My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."

 

"Mine is a jeweler," the second said.  "he always brings me a pearl or  two before we make love."

 

The third woman paused.... "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

 

Atonement

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

 

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

 

"Yes father, it is I."

 

"Who  was the woman you were with?"

 

"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."

 

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

 

"No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

 

"No father."

 

"Was it Ann Brown?"

 

"No father, I cannot tell you."

 

The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

 

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?"

 

Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

 

Being Clever

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

 

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

 

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents.

 

"Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena.

 

"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your  husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."

 

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?"

 

"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message, "COMFORTABLE."

 

Butcher Dance 1

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

 

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

 

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

 

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

 

"No, I've never heard of it."

 

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

 

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

 

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

 

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

 

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

 

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

 

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

 

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

 

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

 

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

 

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

 

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

 

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

 

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters.  Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

 

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

 

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

 

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

 

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

 

"Not 'til next year."

 

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

 

Butcher Dance Part 2_

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

 

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

 

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

 

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

 

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

 

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

 

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

 

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

 

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

 

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

 

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

 

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

 

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

 

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

 

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

 

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out.  You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

 

Car Trouble

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

 

I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

 

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.

 

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

 

"In the lake."

 

Caught in the Dark

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

 

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

 

"Why not?" the pastor asked.  "I really need to use a restroom!"

 

"Well, I don't think you should.  There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

 

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

 

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

 

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!  He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

 

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender.  "Would you like a drink too?"

 

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

 

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.  Now, how about a drink?"

 

Charity Starts at Church

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

 

"Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of you," he smiled, "but why?"

 

"Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."

 

Checkup from the Neck Up

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

 

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

 

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

 

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

 

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

 

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

 

Cheerios

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?

 

Doughnut seeds!

 

 

Children's Perspective on Marriage

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."

-Eric, AGE 6

 

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me."  Then she says, "Yes," but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out.

-Anita, AGE 9

 

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

 

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."

-Kelly, AGE 9

 

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."

-Carolyn, AGE8

 

CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED

 

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."

-Carolyn, AGE 8

 

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."

-Bert, AGE 5

 

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

 

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."

-Lottie, AGE 9

 

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother.  They won't tell me what kind."

-Jeremy, AGE 8

 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

 

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."

-Martin, AGE 10

 

"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."

-Craig, AGE 9

 

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE??

 

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."

-Allan, AGE 10

 

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."

-Kally, AGE 9

 

THE GREAT DEBATE:  IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

 

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan."

-Kirsten, AGE 10

 

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need somebody to clean up after them."

-Anita, AGE 9

 

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm  just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."

-Will, AGE 7

 

Close Examination

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A: In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim's death.

 

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

 

A:  "No"

 

Q:  "Did you check for breathing?"

 

A:  "No"

 

Q:  "So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

 

A:  "No"

 

Q:  "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

 

A:  "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

 

Q:  "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"

 

A:  "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

 

Code Word

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

 

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

 

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

 

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

 

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

 

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

 

Collections

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience.  He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

 

Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

 

"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

 

 

Computer Tips

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

* Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).

* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

* My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

* C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

* C:\DOS  C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

* Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

* The name is Baud... James Baud.

* Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

* C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY...

* Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

* Backups? We don't need no stinking backups.

* E Pluribus Modem

* C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.

* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

* A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

* 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

* Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

* All computers wait at the same speed.

* Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors.

* Press to continue ...Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...  Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...  Just do  something!!  

* E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

* Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!! 

* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

* DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

* Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

* Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

* Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

* Read my chips: No new upgrades!

* Hit any user to continue.

* 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

* I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

* Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

* Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with  inanimate objects.

* Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."

* Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

* Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS!

* Will configure ones and zeros for food!

 

Confidence Runneth Over

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer.  "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

 

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. 

 

"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."

 

Contrived Affections

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A shy collegian was deeply in love with a pretty girl, but he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to give it a go, and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a her a letter of proposal.

 

HE WROTE :

 

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation. I have a strong inclination to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination - no doubt, without any hesitation, and very little preparation. What do you say to thesolemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation.

 

On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our augmentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation.

 

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,

 

To remain victim of your fascination.

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    

 

 

SHE WROTE BACK :

 

Dear Mr. Victim of My Fascination,

 

Congratulations for your lengthy narration of full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.

 

You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification.

 

Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.

 

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.

 

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any  fascination and,

 

3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

 

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

 

I Remain, unaffected by your affection.

 

~~

 

CREATE YOUR OWN CONSPIRACY THEORY!!

 

Choose one from each section:

 

Timothy McVeigh (or person of your choice) and...

 

___ OJ;

___ Vince Foster;

___ The Unabomber;

___ Deep Throat;

___ Jimmy Hoffa;

___ The National Geographic Society;

___ The cast of "Friends"

___ Other (fill in the blank)

 

 

In League with...

 

___ Heaven's Gate;

___ The Mickey Mouse Club;

___ The Church of Scientology;

___ The Trilateral Commission;

___ The AARP;

___ The Stanford Marching Band;

___ Barney

___ Other (fill in the blank)

 

 

Met Secretly...

 

___ Behind the grassy knoll;

___ In Jonestown;

___ On Hale-Bopp;

___ In a pumpkin patch;

___ On a blind date;

___ On the Geraldo Rivera Show

___ Other (fill in the blank)

 

 

To Plot the Destruction of...

 

___ The World Wide Web;

___ The National Endowment for the Arts;

___ Wal-Mart;

___ The New World order;

___ Professional wrestling;

___ Algebra

___ Other (fill in the blank)

 

 

In Order to...

 

___ Overthrow the government;

___ Lose weight;

___ Win the Lotto;

___ Get in touch with their feelings;

___ Find the real killers;

___ Make a bundle on movie rights;

___ Get chicks

___ Other (fill in the blank)

 

It's Fun!  It's easy!  Get yours theory distributed today!

 

~~

 

Cure for Fast Women

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Q:  How do you slow down a fast woman in Arkansas?

 

A:  Put a governor on her!

 

Cynic's Approach to Love

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

If you love something, set it free.

 

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

 

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

 

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or

gave birth to it!

 

~~

 

Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

 

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

 

My problem is this:   I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world.  She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

 

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

 

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

 

Deduction

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

 

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

 

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

 

"And what does that mean to you?"

 

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What

does it mean to you, Holmes?"

 

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

 

Delirious

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Where am I?  How did I get here?  Why does my head hurt? You're in a hospital, sir.   I'm with the police.  We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

 

Well, I was teaching my wife golf.  Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

 

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk.  I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear."  That was the last thing I remember.

 

Disgusting Liquor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita.  After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

 

The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. 

 

The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely

raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."

 

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

 

Distressed

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

 

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.  She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. 

 

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

 

Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, "Shut up! You're next!"

 

Doctor's Orders

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

 

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet.

 

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised  his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

Dog's Duty

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.  The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. 

 

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

 

"No," said another, he's just for good luck.

 

A third child brought the argument to a close.  "They use the dog's she said firmly, " to find the fire hydrant."

 

Doing Well Today!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dear God,

 

I think you'd be proud of me!  So far today I've done all right.  I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

 

In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed. From then on I'm probably going to need a LOT of help.

 

Amen.

 

Embarrassed

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. 

 

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot

in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground.  Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

 

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice.  Usually no one notices."

 

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot.  Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

 

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground.  Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

 

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

 

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

 

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers!  Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others.  Simply a lack of allowance.

 

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,  "Here's a comb.  At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

 

Emergency Landing

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk.  After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

 

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

 

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land.  The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here.  It looks like it's as good a place as any." 

 

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?"  But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. 

 

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die."  So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. 

 

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway.  "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!" 

 

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

 

Equipped

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

This is a True Story excerpted from a local radio interview:

The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

 

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"

 

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting."

 

Interviewer: "Shooting!  That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

 

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

 

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

 

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how; we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

 

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

 

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

 

Error Messages

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

 

  1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

  2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

  3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

  4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

  5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

  6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.

  7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

  8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

  9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.  Please log off."

11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20) User Error: Replace user.

21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you   

      and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have    

      security?

24) Required Government Warning:  After we got caught in cahoots     

      with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you  save your files in Word.           

      "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential  viruses.  Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"

25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles  have been deleted.  The police are on the way.

 

Famous Men

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of

the day off.

 

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

 

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

 

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"

 

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

 

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

 

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know

who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

 

Farm Yard Johnnie

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students.  During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.

 

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

 

Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"

 

"Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"

 

"Baaaa," answered Jimmy.  She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"

 

All the children in the class raised their hands all at once!  She was surprised at the response. 

 

"Lil' Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.

 

He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"

 

Fessin' Up

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

 

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog.  Why?"

 

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

 

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

 

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

 

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

 

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

 

First at the trough

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

This is an actual letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Mr Secretary:

My friend Bordereaux received a check for $1000.00 from the Government for not raising hogs and so i am going into the not raising hog business. What I want to know, is what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise raiserbacks, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas. The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each one of the hogs I do not raise.

 

My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400.00 in 1918 until this year when he received $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs. I will get $2000.00 for not raising 100 hogs, etc. I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $800,000.00.

 

Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs.

 

   Yours very truly,

   Octave Brussard

 

P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side so we can have a little ham and bacon to eat?

 

 

Food Spoilage Test

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

 

THE GAG TEST

Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

 

EGGS

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

 

DAIRY PRODUCTS

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.  Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

 

MAYONNAISE

If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

 

FROZEN FOODS

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

 

EXPIRATION DATES

This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

 

MEAT

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

 

BREAD

Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

 

FLOUR

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

 

SALT

It never spoils.

 

CEREAL

It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

 

LETTUCE

Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.  Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

 

CANNED GOODS

Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

 

CARROTS

A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

 

RAISINS

Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

 

POTATOES

Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

 

CHIP DIP

If you  can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

 

EMPTY CONTAINERS

Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

 

UNMARKED ITEMS:

You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.  Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. 

 

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:

Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

 

Contributed by:  Maria, Yvonne, and Roger'______

_1998/04/11__Forgive me Father]_Forgive me Father

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There once was a young woman who went to confession.  Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have

sinned."

 

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

 

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

 

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

 

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

 

Game for the Pious

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. 

 

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

 

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.  "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" 

 

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.  We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative.  In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." 

 

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

 

The call was made.  Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

 

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.  "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer. 

 

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

 

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.  I must have been inspired from above.  My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect.  With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

 

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

 

Nicklaus sighed.  "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

 

Gardening Advice

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

 

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"

 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

 

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

 

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with

shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

 

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

 

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

 

Getting the Story Straight

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. 

 

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

 

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

 

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

 

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

 

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

 

Glossary Terms

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Software Engineering Glossary of  Product Terminology

 

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

 

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

 

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

 

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

 

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

 

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

 

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

 

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

 

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time. The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

 

God Will Save Me...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There came a big flood, and the water around Joe's house was rising steadily..

 

Joe was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along. and called to Joe,  "Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here." Joe replied. "No thanks. God will

save me."

 

Joe went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

 

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Joe, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

 

Again, Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

 

The water kept rising. So, Joe got out onto the roof.

 

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Joe, "I'll drop you a rope. Grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

 

Again Joe replied, "No thanks.  God will save me."

 

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Joe fell in, and drown.

 

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood?  Did I not show you my faith?"

 

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do?  I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?

 

Going to Extremes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. 

 

She went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.

 

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."

 

Gorilla Removal Service

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Bob is opening his bar one day and is amazed to see a gorilla sitting in the oak tree in front of his establishment.

 

He carefully walks into his bar and wastes no time looking up "Gorilla Removal" in the yellow pages.  He calls the service, and in nothing flat a truck pulls up with the words "JOE's GORILLA REMOVAL"

written on the side.

 

A man gets out of the truck carrying a loaded pistol and he has a fierce looking German shepherd on a leash.

 

"Now here's the plan," Joe tells Bob.  "You hold the gun and I'll climb up the tree and shake the big ape out.  When the gorilla falls to the ground, the German shepherd will attack him and go for his

private parts.  After that, I just throw him in the back of my truck.   Any questions?"

 

"Just one," says Bob.  "What's the gun for?"

 

"If I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog!"

 

Haiku

-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in  Haiku... they  would read like these:

 

A file that big? 

It might be very useful.   

But now it is gone.

 

The Web site you seek 

cannot be located,

but endless others exist.

 

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot. 

Order shall return.

 

ABORTED effort: 

Close all that you have. 

You ask far too much.

 

First snow, then silence. 

This thousand dollar screen

dies so beautifully.

 

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence: 

"My Novel" not found.

 

The Tao that is seen

is not the true Tao, until

you bring fresh toner.

 

Windows NT crashed. 

I am the Blue Screen of Death. 

No one hears your screams.

 

Stay the patient course. 

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

 

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

 

Yesterday it worked. 

Today it is not working

'Windows' is like that.

 

Three things are certain: 

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

 

You step in the stream,

but the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

 

Out of memory. 

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

 

Having been erased,

the document you're seeking

must now be retyped.

 

Rather than a beep

or a rude error message, 

these words: "File not found."

 

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

 

High Standards!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

 

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy.  Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

 

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister.  I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

 

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

 

"You're kidding!  What for?"

 

"For killing my third wife.  I strangled her."

 

"What happened to your second wife?"

 

"I shot her."

 

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

 

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

 

"Oh my," says Sophie.  Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley.  He's single."

 

House of Flame

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A blonde's house is somehow set on fire so she runs outside to use a pay phone to call for help.

 

She gets the 911 operator, and is transferred to the firehouse.

 

"Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire.  You have to help me!" 

 

The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Miss.  And how do I find your house?"

 

The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire. You'll see the big red flames."

 

Realizing now that he's talking to a blonde, the fireman replies, "No Miss.  You don't understand.  How would you like me to get to your house?"

 

Reacting with frustration, she says, "A big red truck. Duh!"

 

How Deep Is That Thing?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two guys are walking thru the woods and come across this big deep hole.

 

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

 

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

 

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

 

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

 

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

 

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.  Not a sound comes from the hole.

 

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

 

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

 

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

 

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

 

I Have Something To Tell You...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim and Bob.  A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are going.

 

As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"

 

Jim replied, "The cat's dead.  He fell out the window."

 

Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a callouse manner.  He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms.

 

Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"

 

Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and died from his injuries."

 

Jim responded, "Oh.  I see..."

 

Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"

 

Jim said, "I accidentally left the window open and the cat got out.  Well, see... it's like this... Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get the cat...."

 

In The Dark

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

 

Engineer: "What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

 

Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

 

Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him."

 

Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

 

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

 

The group was silent for a moment.

 

Priest: "That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 

Doctor: "Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

 

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

In the Light

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.  At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.

 

Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrit!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'.  Yet you've hoarded money all your life!  You were the wealthiest person in your whole community.  In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded.  Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."

 

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate.  You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!"

 

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

 

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed.  "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL!  'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached.  In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Brandy', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

 

"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either.  But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either.  You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door.  Off with you!"  And the couple slowly shuffled off.

 

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began. 

 

The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."

 

Job Security

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

For immediate Release

Press Release Re: Job Security

Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers

 

Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the end of May 1998.  News from the White House indicates that the Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members.  It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.

 

Johnny's Little Red Fire Engine

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

 

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. 

 

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

 

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

Judgment Day

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. 

 

St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.

 

Doctor:  I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.

 

St. Peter:  That's great.  Go ahead in to heaven.  And what about you?

 

Nurse:  I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, etc...

 

St. Peter:  Wonderful.  Please proceed in with the Doctor.  And what about you?

 

HMO Executive:  I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.

 

St. Peter:  Oh, I see.  Please go on in . . . but you can only stay 2 nights!

 

Just Gotta Cut Loose

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living.  Tonight let's you and me go out and party.  We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."

 

Fred was shocked.  "Are you crazy?  This is a small town and everyone knows us.  Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."

 

Joe was ready for this.  "Don't be silly.  We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."

 

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals.  When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale.  "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

 

Again, Joe was ready.  "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance.  Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional.  I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you  come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

 

Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance.  And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused.  We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."

 

Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.

 

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail.  There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this.  And you DARE to call yourself a priest?  You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the

church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness.  Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

 

"WHAT??!!"  Father Fred was shocked.  "What about our agreement??"

 

Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

 

Keeping Track

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.

 

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the capitol building?"

 

The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

 

The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.

 

Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

 

The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

 

The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

 

Kept in the Dark

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two brothers were riding a train for the first time.  They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch.  Just as one bit into

his banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain. 

 

In the darkness was overheard,  "Did you take a bite of your banana?"

 

"No."

 

"Well, don't. I did and I just went blind."

 

Kisses in The Dark

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.  Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

 

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

 

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

 

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

 

And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great.  The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."

 

Kissing Currency

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

 

"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

 

"That's fine,"  replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

 

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.  "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

 

Life After Marriage

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.  The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack?  That's for when you're in high school.  You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college.  You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

 

Then the son asks his  father what the 12 pack is for.  The father replies, well that's for when you're married.  You have one for January, one for February, one for March......

 

Life's Lessons

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

 

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

 

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

 

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

 

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

 

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

 

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

 

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 

The real reason you can't take it with you  is that it goes before you do.

 

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

 

A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television's on the blink.

 

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

 

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

 

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

 

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

 

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

 

If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.

 

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

 

Life's Situations

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

 

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

 

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. 

 

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in

this one either." 

 

Lil' Johnnie's Momma?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.  The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest.  When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

 

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

 

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this  subtle, "Well...?" sort of look. 

 

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

 

Little Ones

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

 

************************************************

 

Brian, a "cool" teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by, wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair dyed. "Dad," he asked, "Would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved in the back of my head?"

 

"Sure," came his Father's quick reply.  "But only if you add a Y to it."

 

Lonely Priest

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

                                          

A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely

job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis.

 

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

 

The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."

 

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

 

Looking for Help

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

 

"God, please help me.  I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lotto."

 

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

 

Joe again prays...

 

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

 

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

 

Once again, he prays...

 

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

 

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this.  Buy a ticket."

 

Make Her Happy

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

In the world of romance, one single rule applies Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points.  Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.  You don't get any points for doing something she expects -- Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

 

Simple Duties

---------------------

- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1

- You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station...-1

- You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the  curb...+1

- You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls  away...-1

- You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.......+1

- You leave dishes in the sink............................-1

- You leave them under the bed............................-5

- You leave the toilet seat up............................-1

- You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty........0

- When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

- When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

- You make the bed........................................+1

- You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0

- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............-1

- You check out a suspicious noise at night................0

- You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing........0

- You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....+5

- You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10

- It's her  father........................................-10

 

Social Engagements

----------------------------

- You stay by her side the entire party....................0

- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a ollege buddy..-2

- Named Tiffany...........................................-4

- When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly... +1

- When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her on the rump...-5

 

Saturday Afternoon

-------------------------------

- You go to the mall together.............................+3

- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car...+4

- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sporting event...-2

- You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...+3

- You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a  sectional...0

- You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...+3

- Most of it snack food for watching football games.......-6

- You tackle a large household project, such as painting the  den...+15

- Or refinishing the floors..............................+16

- Or rewiring the basement...............................+17

- Or adding a second floor...............................+18

- Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.....-6

- And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15

- You visit her parents...................................+1

- You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3

- You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....-3

- And the television is off...............................-6

 

Her Birthday

-----------------------

- You take her out to dinner...............................0

- And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

- You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player....+3

- You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing......+4

- And you stink...........................................+2

- And you're not half bad.................................+5

- You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...-2

- You give her a gift......................................0

- You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10

- You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1

- You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2

- You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.....+30

- You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.......-10

- With her credit card...................................-30

- And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40

 

Thoughtfulness

---------------------------

- You forget her birthday completely.....................-10

- You forget your anniversary............................-20

- You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25

- Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35

- And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50

 

A Night Out With The Boys

-----------------------------------------------

- Go out with a pal.......................................-5

- And the pal is happily married..........................-4

- Or frighteningly single.................................-7

- And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10

 

Her Night Out

-------------------------

- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends.....+5

- She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late....+10

- You wait up............................................+15

 

A Night At Home

----------------------------

- You watch TV together....................................0

- You rent a movie........................................+1

- You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3

- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5

- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1

- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2

 

A Night Out

-----------------------

- You take her to a movie.................................+2

- You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4

- You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)....+6

- You take her to a movie you like........................-2

- It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7

 

Make Her Happy Flowers

----------------

- You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0

- You buy her flowers as a surprise............+5

- You give her wild flowers you've actually picked  yourself.........+10

- And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25

 

Your Physique

--------------------------

- You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15

- You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10

- You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy  Hawaiian shirts...-5

 

Finances

------------------

- You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5

- Something she can't use................................-10

- Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20

- And your kid needs braces..............................-30

- In fact, all four of the kids need braces.......-120

 

Driving

----------------

- You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4

- You lose the directions and end up getting lost.........-10

- You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15

- You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25

- She finds out you lied about having a blackbelt.......-60

 

The Big Question

------------------------------

- She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)

- You hesitate in responding.............................-10

- You reply, "Where?"....................................-25

 

Communication

---------------------------

- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0

- When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...+5

- You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the  TV...+10

- She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10

 

May I Have Your Opinion

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

 

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

 

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

 

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

 

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

 

The New Yorker, says,  "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

 

Medical Terminology

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Two  Texans  were  having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing

down an Armadillo burger too fast.

 

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

 

"Yep," said the second Texan.

 

The  first  Texan  got  up  and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?"  

 

She shook her head no.

 

"Can you speak?" he asked.  She shook her head no again.  With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt.  She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

 

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

 

Merging Preference

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Directors at Daimler-Benz and Chrysler have announced an agreement to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

 

As part of the negotions, Directors at Chrysler conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the

soft "c."

 

Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have 1 less letter. There will be a growing kompany enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f."  This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

 

In the third year, Daimler-Khrysler akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.

 

Daimler-Khrysler will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a determent to akkurate spelling.  Also, all will agree that the horrible mess of silent "e's" in the language is disgrakeful, and they would go.

 

By the fourth year, people will be resepetive to steps such as replaking "th" with "z" and "w" by "v".

 

During ze fifz year, ze unekessary "o" kan be dropped from vords kontaining "ou", and similiar khanges vuld of kors be applied to all ozer kombinations of letters.

 

After zis fifz year, ve vill hav a really sensible vriten style. Zere vill be no more trubls or diffikultis and employee's vill find it easy to komunikat viz each ozer.

 

Ov kourse all suppliers vill be expekted to svitsh to zis for all business kommuniktion via Daimler-Khrysler.

 

Ze dream vill finally kome true.

 

Metric Cliches

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would  greatly simplify our measures.  But look what would really happen to our old cliches...

 

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

obviously there will be more on this important issue still to come!

 

MICROSOFT VS. GM

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

 

And...

 

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

 

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

 

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,  you would accept this too.

 

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

 

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft  upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

 

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

 

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

 

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

 

Military Etiquette

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Officer:  Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

 

Soldier:  Sure, buddy.

 

Officer:  That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

 

Soldier:  Do you have change for a dollar?

 

Soldier: No, SIR!

 

Mouth in Overdrive

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. 

 

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. 

 

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."  As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

 

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you

got yourself out of it.  You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" 

 

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." 

 

"Oh really? Why  did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

 

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding!  What team did she play for?"

 

Musical Score

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.

 

What's the definition of a minor second?

Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

 

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

 

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

 

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?

So they can park in the handicapped zones.

 

What is "perfect pitch?"

When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

 

What's the definition of a nerd?

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

 

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

 

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?

You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

 

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player.  The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

 

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?

Add vibrato.

 

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

 

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

 

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

 

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?

Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

 

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?

"Year-at-a-glance"

 

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead

trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.

 

What's the range of a tuba?

About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

 

What's a tuba for?

1-1/2" by 3-1/2"

 

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

 

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

 

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.

 

Musical Score How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.  They have machines to do that now.

 

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"

"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

 

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?

The knock gets faster.

 

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?

Give him music to read.

 

How long does a harp stay in tune?

About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

 

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?

They rarely strike the same spot twice.

 

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

The bow is moving.

 

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?

Both are offensive and inaccurate.

 

What do violists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?

Sit in the back and don't play.

 

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

 

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?

The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

 

Why are violins smaller than violas?

They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

 

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?

The cello burns longer.

 

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

 

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

 

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?

The coffin has the corpse inside.

 

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

 

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?

He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

 

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

 

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

 

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

 

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?

She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

 

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?

She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

 

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they can't get up that high.

 

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it

would be a good idea.

 

Where's a tenor's resonance?

Where his brain should be.

 

What's the definition of a male quartet?

Three man and a tenor.

 

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which

will hit the ground first? Who cares?

 

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?

The sack.

 

What's the definition of an optimist?

A choral director with a mortgage.

 

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?

They've had so little use.

 

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.  "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.  The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist.  At last she asks him why he keeps calling.  "I just like to hear you say it."

 

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the sound.

 

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?

"One, two, three; one, two, three."

 

What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

 

What's the definition of an optimist?

An accordion player with a pager.

 

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

 

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?

You can negotiate with the PLO.

 

Newly Wed Antics

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

 

So the husband inquires,  "What's wrong, Honey?"

 

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

 

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean.  Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

 

So off they went to the bedroom.

 

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.  "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

 

"Well, the same thing as this morning.  I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

 

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

 

So off they went to the bedroom again.

 

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs.  Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

 

After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

 

"Warming up your supper!" she replies.

 

Nine Types Of Girlfriends

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."

Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly  Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

 

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't

you see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady

Advantages: Pays attention to you.

Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

 

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."

Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

 

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a

haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain

Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

 

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?" Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

 

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

 

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.

Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

 

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

 

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you

are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you

like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

 

No Need for Courtship

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go

along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

 

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off     of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

 

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

 

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

 

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

 

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you  an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

 

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

 

 Not All "Blondes" Are Blonde!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.  One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

 

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

 

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.  He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

 

"Alright.  How long do you need them?"

 

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

 

Obscene Phone Call

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it.

 

"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'ld like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."

 

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"

 

Only in the US Legal System

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ....fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed  claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued...and won.

 

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it

was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.  Rather than endure a

lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

 

*** This is the funny part ***

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

 

Outlandish Expectations

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

 

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

 

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

 

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

 

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

Overview & Application

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the Head man do his job.  We expect that 1998 will be the most challenging.  Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

 

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political sceneof the hottest city in the world!

* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!

* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!

* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

 

Sound like it's for you?  Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:  

 

"I couldn't believe it!  After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president... ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic!"

* M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

 

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.  Still interested?  Fill out the information form below and send it back to the White House at

[email protected]

 

 Name:      ____________

 Hometown:  ____________

 Sex: F__   Age: ____

 Measurements: 

 (required for medical purposes)

 ____-____-____

 

 How many beers it takes to

 get you...

 ... Giggly

 ... Drunk

 ... Hot

 ... To lie to a federal prosecutor

 

Quick quiz:

You've always considered the

White House:

 a) a monument to democracy

 b) the place where great

    leaders meet

 c) vaguely erotic

 d) extremely erotic

 

Hillary Clinton is a(n):

 a) model wife and mother

 b) icon of late 20th century

    femininity

 c) an obstacle

 d) inappropriate companion for

    the leader of the free world

 

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:

 a) MidEast policies

 b) childhood in Hope, Ark

 c) romper room

 d) "monument to democracy"

 

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:

 a) hitting Georgetown bars

    with the other interns

 b) reading and studying

 c) late nights working at

    the White House

 d) late nights working the

    White House

 

Score 1 point for each A, 2 for each B, 3 for each C, and 4 for each D. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.  Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

 

Uncle Bill wants you !

 

Perplexed

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up.  While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" 

 

The man in the car says, "I found them.  I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue." 

 

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

 

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

 

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

 

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" 

 

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

 

 

Poe Revisted

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

 Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, 

 System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, 

 Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,  Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:   Having reached the bottom line,  I took a floppy from the drawer.

 Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,

 Only this and nothing more.

 

 Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,

 Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some

 more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"

 One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just,

 "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?

 These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.

 Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The

 cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.

 Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From

 "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 With my fingers pale and trembling

 Slowly toward the keyboard bending,

 Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

 Praying for some guarantee

 Timidly I pressed a key.

 But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.

 Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 I tried to catch the chips off-guard --

 I pressed again, but twice as hard.

 I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I

 swore. Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there  came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted

 Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.

 And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the

 night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The

 lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not

 even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

 To this day I do not know

 The place to which lost data goes.

 What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,

 Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?

 But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading,

 "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

Political Folly

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

(We at AllWorld claim no particular political affiliations, but we couldn't resist this one, given the recent and regular headlines!)

 

A  salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

 

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.

 

He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" 

 

"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

 

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

 

"A Republican," replied the salesman.

 

"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

 

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

 

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

 

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.  She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. 

 

"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.

 

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

 

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him.  The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

 

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!"  She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

 

"What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!" he replies.

 

"I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw someone!"

 

Politically Correct

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

 

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."

 

"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it."

 

"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

 

Pragmatic Solutions

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on "Knowing my own Hidden Secrets" and "Lies and Deceit," a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

 

"I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my Income Taxes. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

 

Presidential Answering Service

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch.

 

Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.

 

If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.

 

If your are female and would like to  leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.

 

If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y.

 

To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.

 

To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

 

To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.

 

To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.

 

If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R.

 

If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.

 

If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G- I-D.

 

If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.

 

To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

 

To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

 

If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E.

 

To speak to an operator, press o.

 

To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly.

 

Preventative Health Care

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.  The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

 

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water.  In the water floated, of all things, a condom. 

 

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped!  But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

 

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.

 

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.

 

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?  I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package.  It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

 

Primetime Parking

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate.

 

The police officer walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up and obligingly cranked down the car window. The boyish looking driver said, "Yes, Officer?"

 

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

 

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

 

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what's she doing?"

 

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

 

Confused, the officer asked, "And how old are you, young man?"

 

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

 

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

 

The young man replied after glancing at his watch, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

 

Progressing With Time?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

 

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

 

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

 

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

 

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

 

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

 

Propriety Dilemma

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.  "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

 

"No" her mother replied.

 

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"

 

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."

 

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

 

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.

 

"Yes."

 

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

 

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy.  They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

 

Punishment Due

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A little boy works on a farm. In the early hours his mother tells him to do all his chores before sitting down to his breakfast which upsets him.  On the way out to the barn he shoves the cow out the way, then seeing the rooster he gives that a kick and finally pulls the old sows ear in his temper.

 

When he returned starving his mother said "I saw you push old Marybell and just for that you'll get no milk; and fancy kicking the rooster there'll be no eggs for you and for treating the poor sow like that you'll get no bacon either!!"

 

Just then his father came through the door nearly falling over the cat which he booted out of the way.  The cat ran yowling up the stairs.

 

The little boy looked up at his ma and said "Will you tell him or shall I?"

 

Purity

-=-=-=-=-

 

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

 

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely."

 

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

 

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

 

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

 

Quality Work Force

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works. He was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.  The man agreed to the conditions and starts the next day.

 

The supervisor checked and found that the man completed 4 miles on his first day. "Great," he thought, "this man will really work out."

 

The next day he learned that the man only accomplished 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "Well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."

 

The third day however the man only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to him."

 

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great.  The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile.  Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

 

The man replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."

 

Quips & Quotes

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Insanity IS Herereditary - You Get It from Your Kids

 

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't have to experience it.

 

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

 

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

 

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

 

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

 

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

 

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

 

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

 

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

 

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

 

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

 

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

 

I don't get even, I get odder.

 

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

 

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

 

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

 

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

 

I believe in youthenasia.

 

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

 

I am having an out of money experience.    

 

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

 

A day without sunshine is like night.

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

 

If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

 

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

 

Ready to go!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

 

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

 

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

 

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

 

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

 

Real Cowboy

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.  As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. 

 

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the  cowboy.

 

After a short while he asked her what she was.

 

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.

 

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

 

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

 

Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

16.  We're working on that smell thing, too.

15.  Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14.  As seen on "COPS."

13.  If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.

12.  Not just for nooners anymore.

11.  We left off the 9, but you know it's what we mean...

10.  You rented the room, now we'll sell you the video!

9.  Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.

8.  We'll just leave the Lysol there for ya!

7.  Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

6.  We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery *better*!

5.  It's Hookerriffic!

4.  Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

3.  Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheets art since 1962!

2.  Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

 

      And the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...

 

1.  We put the "Ho" in "Motel"

 

Repercussions

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.

 

Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

 

The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

 

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. 

 

"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

 

Scientific Discoveries

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

 

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.  They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

 

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

 

Secret Message

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Do this example.

 

1.     Open a new document in Word

 

2.     Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)

 

3.     Highlight the entire sentence you just typed

 

4.     Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)

 

Does Body Guard have a problem we don't know about?

 

Self Importance

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Dr. Smith died. When he got to the pearly gates, there was a very large crowd of people waiting to get into heaven. Dr. Smith went up to St. Peter and said "I'm Dr. Smith, and I want to get in there."

 

St. Peter told Dr. Smith "Yes...yes...you need to go to the back of the line."

 

Dr. Smith became indignant, and said "You don't understand...my name is DOCTOR Smith!"

 

St. Peter again told him that he needed to go to the back of the line. Angrily, Dr. Smith complied.

 

Then Dr. Jones died. He went through the same scenario of going around the crowd and telling St. Peter that he wanted to enter the gates. As was Dr. Smith, Dr. Jones was told he needed to go to the back of the line and wait his turn.

 

"But you don't understand! I am DOCTOR Jones!" He cried.

 

He was told again to go to the back of the line. As Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones stood in line commiserating, they saw another man walk around the crowd and approach St. Peter. This man was wearing a white lab coat and had a stethoscope around his neck. He said something to St. Peter, then entered the gates of heaven. Now Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones were irate!

 

"How come he did not have to wait in line?" Dr. Smith bellowed.

 

A guy further up the line replied "Oh, that's just God. He thinks he's a doctor!"

 

Services Rendered

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. 

 

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

 

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

 

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough."

 

The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"

 

Sewn Significance

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A Jewish boy was sent to a Catholic school by his folks. Of course, he had no idea of who Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on the first  day of school, he got punished by the teacher for not knowing such basic things.

 

Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed him, and said, "Don't worry, son. I'll sew the answers to those questions on your collar, and every time your teacher asks you a question, all you have to do is to peek at your collar."

 

And so she sewed the answers on her son's collar.

 

The following day, the teacher came up to him, and asked him, "Who is the Holy Virgin?"

 

The boy peeked at his collar and replied, "Mary."

 

The teacher seemed a little bit surprised, but continued on. "And who is her husband?" After another peek at the collar, he replied, "Joseph."

 

"Why, very good son," the teacher commented.

 

"And for the last one," said the teacher. "Who is their son?"

 

The boy peeked again at his collar and replied confidently, "Arrow!!"

 

Sex Education

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

Johnnie's teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class, because she realizes Little Johnnie's propensity for sexual innuendo.  But Johnnie remained attentive and quiet throughout the entire lesson.

 

Finally, toward the end of the lesson, the teacher asked for examples of sex education from the class.

 

One little boy raises his hand and when called on said, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

 

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

 

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. 

 

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

 

Finally, Little Johnnie raised his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. 

 

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger.  He was surrounded by a bunch of cattle rustlers and they all attacked him at one time. He killed every one of them with just his two guns."

 

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnnie?"

 

"It'll teach those rustlers not to screw with the Lone Ranger!"

 

Sharp Witted

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.

 

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

 

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

 

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

 

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

 

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

 

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

 

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

 

Short Thoughts for Fun!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."  [Sue Murphy]

 

"USA Today has come out with a new survey ..... Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."  [Dave Letterman]

 

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."  [Jaka Johansen]

 

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"  [John Mendoza]

 

Signs You're Broke

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1.  American Express calls and says:  "Leave home without it!"

 

2.  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

 

3.  You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

 

4.  You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

 

5.  Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

 

6.  You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

 

7.  Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

 

8.  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

 

9.  You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

 

10. Your bologna has no first name.

 

11. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

 

12. Sally Struther's sends you food.

 

13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

 

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

 

Sleeping Arrangements

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

 

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

 

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

 

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

 

He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

 

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

 

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

 

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

 

Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

 

Smokeless in Seattle

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning firepit.  Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss the soul to one side in a small pile.

 

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him.  So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

 

"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "They are from Seattle; they're too wet to burn!"

 

(For those of you unfamiliar with Seattle, it gets an extraordinary amount of rainfall, known to have one or two truly hot sunny days per summer season.)

 

 

So, How'd You Break Your Arm?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

 

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.  He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.  He was wrong, of course, and the pain didn't go away.

 

If you've ever had nature hit its your panic button then you  know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

 

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, so she should go off in the woods and take care of the situation. No one would even notice he assured her. "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage," he continued.  So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.

 

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't start moving. Yup, you got it!  She had them positioned the wrong way.

 

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope.  Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

 

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

 

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol.  They transported her to the local hospital. 

 

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.  "So How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

 

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."

 

"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

 

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

 

Special Fare Follow-up

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-       

 

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.       

 

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

 Sterotypical Stranding

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

 

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

* 2 French men and 1 French woman

* 2 German men and 1 German woman

* 2 English men and 1 English woman

* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

 

ONE MONTH LATER on the beautiful deserted island in the middle of

nowhere:

 

* The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.....

 

* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....

 

* The 2 German men have a rigid weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman....

 

* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman....

 

* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex was in the picture, because it got sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut - whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any!

 

Why Studying Is Better Than Sex

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

- You can usually find someone to do it with.

 

- If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

 

- You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

 

- When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who got there first.

 

- A little coffee and you can do it all night.

 

- If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "bookteaser."

 

- You don't get embarrassed if your parents catch you.

 

- If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

 

Summer Grilling

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill."

 

She ignores the remark.

 

A little later, the husband thinks he will press the comment with her, found comparing her rump to his apparent standard with his tape measure while she leans over into a flower bed.  "Geez, it

is as wide as the grill," he tells her in an cruel and insensitive manner. 

 

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky and tries to get close. 

 

"If you think I'm gonna fire up my grill for one little wiener, you're mistaken," she calmly responds, turning over to get some

sleep. 

 

Switched Inputs

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

 

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

 

Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000

went on for an amazing five minutes.

 

Me: "Don't touch me!"

 

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

 

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

 

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

 

Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs.

Bugs in your software are actually special features.

 

2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.

Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.

 

3. Thou shalt not handle errors.

Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.

 

4. Thou shalt not restrict users.

Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.

 

5. Thou shalt not optimize.

Your user are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.

 

6. Thou shalt not provide help.

If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software any way.

 

7. Thou shalt not document.

Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications.   You made the software perfect the first time, it  will never need mods.

 

8. Thou shalt not hurry. 

Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.

 

9. Thou shalt not revise.

Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users'  requirements better than them.

 

10. Thou shalt not share.    

If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.

 

Texan in Australia

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

 

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.  The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as  large as your cows."

 

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.   He asks, "And what are those"?  The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

 

The Age Old Question

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A chicken and an egg were lounging next to one another in bed.

 

The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very disappointed look on her face. The egg then said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question, doesn't it?!"

 

The Birds & Bees

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

One day little Johnnie came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?" Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider.

 

When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia."

 

The Chicken or the Doctor

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

 

The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."   

 

The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the

most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."  

 

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"   

 

The Classic Gift

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long.  After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal. 

 

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves.

 

The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

 

Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note: 

 

Darling, 

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

 

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled; I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

 

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. 

 

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

 

All my love,

                 Jimmie

 

P.S. - The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

 

The Cure

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.  If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." 

 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure

he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

 

The Difference

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

What is the difference between a Jewish wife and a gentile wife?

 

A gentile wife says to her husband: Did you buy any Viagra?

 

A Jewish wife says to her husband: Did you buy any Pfizer?

 

 

                               REASONS

 

  To My Dearest Wife,

 

       During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times.

        I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10

       days.

 

       The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

 

       1.  We will wake the kids................................54 times

       2.  It's too late........................................15 times

       3.  I'm too tired........................................42 times

       4.  It's too early.......................................12 times

       5.  It's too hot.........................................18 times

       6.  Pretending to be asleep..............................31 times

       7.  The neighbors will hear................................9 times

       8.  Headache or backache.................................26 times

       9.  Sunburn..............................................10 times

       10. Your mother will hear us..............................9 times

       11. Not in the mood......................................21 times

       12. Watching the late show...............................17 times

       13. Too sore..............................................26 times

       14. New hairdo............................................6 times

       15. Wrong time of the month..............................14 times

       16. You had to go to the bathroom........................19 times

 

       Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always

       Satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me

       That there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up

       and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was 

       finished, and once I was  afraid that I had hurt you because you started

       thrashing around and breathing heavy.

 

       Let's try to improve this, shall we??

 

       Love, Your Hubby

 

       =============================================================

       To My Dearest Husband,

 

       I think things are a little confused.  Here are the REAL reasons you

       didn't get more than you did this past year:

 

    1.  Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat..............23 times

    2.  Did not come home at all................................36 times

    3.  Did not come............................................21 times

    4.  Came too soon...........................................38 times

    5.  Went soft before you got it in..........................19 times

    6.  Cramps in your leg......................................16 times

    7.  Working too late........................................33 times

    8.  You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat.............29 times

    9.  Caught yourself in your zipper...........................15 times

    10. You had a cold and your nose kept running...............21 times

    11. You had burned your tongue on hot coffee.................9 times

    12. You had a splinter in your finger.......................11 times

    13. You lost the notion after thinking about it.............42 times

    14. Came in your pj's after reading a dirty book............16 times

 

        The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were

        Screwing the sheet.  You seemed to be having a good time , I didn't

        Want to move and spoil it for you.  I wasn't talking about the crack 

        in the ceiling-what I said was "Would you like me on my back or 

        kneeling?"

        The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I

        Was fighting for air.

 

        Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

 

        Love, Your Wife

 

 

**************************************************************************

                       STATUE

 

   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the

   front door.  "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed

   baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

   "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.

   "Just pretend you're a statue."

 

   "What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

   "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one

 

   for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

   No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they

   went to sleep.

 

   Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen

 

   and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here,"

   he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths

   for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

**************************************************************************

 

 A father sees his 4 year old son make a mess while taking a pee and

 decides to teach him the right way to pee. He calls his son aside and

 says, "Son, follow these steps when you go to the toilet.  1) Open

 your zip.  2) Pull your tool out.  3) Pull back the foreskin. 4) Pee.

 5) Push the skin back.  6) Zip up your pants."

 

 The next day, father goes near the toilet, and hears his son following

 the six steps, "one, two, three, four, five, six".

 

 Ten years later, the father, wondering if his son still is

 following the six steps goes near the toilet. He hears his son saying

 

 "one, two, three, five, three, five, three, five, three, five, three,

 five, ...., three, five, three, aaahhhhh!!!, four, five, six".

 

 

 

 

  --                      The Love Teachings of Kama Sutra

  --                      ================================

  --

  --                               By Vatasyayana

  --

  --

  --  Source: "The Love Teachings of Kama Sutra"

  --

  --

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------

  --

  --  Lying Down Positions:

  --  --------------------

  --

  --  Indrani draws up both her knees

  --  until they nuzzle the curves of her breasts;

  --  her feet find her lover's armpits.

  --  Small girls love this posture,

  --  but becoming a goddess takes a lot of practice.

  --

  --

  --  She cups and lifts her buttocks with her palms,

  --  spreads wide her thighs,

  --  and digs in her heels besides her hips,

  --  while you caress her breasts:

  --  this is "Utphallaka" (The Flower in Bloom).

  --

  --

  --  Grasping the ankles

  --  of the round hipped woman, whose buttocks

  --  are like two ripe gourds,

  --  raise her beautiful thighs

  --  and spread the thigh-joints widely.

  --

  --  Full of desire, saying sweet words,

  --  approach her with your body stiff as a pole

  --  and drive straight forward

  --  to pierce her lotus and join your limbs:

  --  experts call it "Madandhvaja" (The Flag of Cupid).

  --

  --

  --  Catch hold of her two feet,

  --  raising them till they press upon her breasts

  --  and her legs form a rough circle.

  --  Clasp her neck and make love to her:

  --  this is "Ratisundara" (Aphrodite's Delight).

  --

  --

  --  Lift the lady's feet until her soles

  --  lie perfectly parallel,

  --  one to each side of her slender throat,

  --  cup her breasts and enjoy her:

  --  this technique is "Uthkanta" (Throat-high).

  --

  --

  --  Your lovely wife, lying on the bed,

  --  grasps her own feet

  --  and draws them up until they reach her hair;

  --  you catch her breasts and make love:

  --  this is "Vyomapada" (Sky-foot).

  --

  --

  --  The round-thighed woman on the bed

  --  grasps her ankles and raises high her lotus feet;

  --  you strike her to the root, kissing

  --  and slapping open-palmed between her breasts:

  --  this is "Markata" (The Monkey).

  --

  --

  --  She lies flat on her back,

  --  you sit between her parted knees, raise them,

  --  hook her feet over your thighs,

  --  catch hold of her breasts, and enjoy her:

  --  this is "Manmathpriya" (Dear to Cupid).

  --

  --

  --

  --  Lying-down Positions - Samputa Group:

  --  ------------------------------------

  --

  --  If your penis is too small for a woman,

  --  the "Samputa" group of postures should be used:

  --  "Samputa" (the Jewel Case),

  --  "Pidita" (the Squeeze), "Veshtita (the Entwined)

  --  and "Vadavaka" (the Mare's Trick).

  --

  --

  --  In Samputa your legs lie along hers

  --  caressing their whole length from toes to thighs.

  --  Your lover may be below you,

  --  or you may both lie on your sides,

  --  in which case she should always be on your left.

  --

  --

  --  In Pidita the lovers' thighs

  --  are interlaced and squeeze each other in rhythm.

  --  In Veshtita she crosses her thighs

  --  or rolls each one inward,

  --  thus greatly strengthening her yoni's grip.

  --

  --

  --  When, like a mare cruelly gripping

  --  a stallion, your lover

  --  traps and milks your penis with her vagina,

  --  it is "Vadavaka" (the Mare's Trick),

  --  which can only be perfected with long practice.

  --

  --

  --  When she uses it, a woman

  --  should cease to kiss her lover

  --  and simply hold the lock.

  --  Courtesans are adept at Vadavaka,

  --  and it's a speciality with ladies from Andhra(*).

  --

  --        *The South-Eastern state of India.

  --

  --

  --

  --  From The Medieval Texts:

  --  -----------------------

  --

  --  When lovers, with legs stretched rigid

  --  and feet caressing feet,

  --  make love according to their hearts' desire,

  --  "tantra" scholars call it "Sampada" (Equal Feet)

  --  and agree it is a way to ecstasy.

  --

  --

  --  Stiff as a pole in the bed's center,

  --  she lies making love,

  --  cooing and warbling like a woodpigeon,

  --  the jewel of her clitoris well-polished:

  --  this is Mausala" (the Pestle).

  --

  --

  --  When she lies on her back

  --  with her two thighs pressed tightly together

  --  and you make love to her,

  --  keeping your thighs outside hers,

  --  it is "Gramya" (the Rustic).

  --

  --

  --  If, encircling and trapping

  --  her thighs with yours,

  --  you grip so hard that she cries out in pain,

  --  it is "Ratipasha" (Love's Noose),

  --  a device most charming to the ladies.

  --

  --

  --  Her limbs, entwined in yours

  --  like tendrils of fragrant jasmine creeper,

  --  draw taut and slowly relax

  --  in the gentle rhythm of linga and yoni:

  --  this is "Lataveshta" (the Clinging Creeper).

  --

  --

  --  She draws her limbs together,

  --  clasping her knees tightly to her breasts,

  --  her yoni, like an opening bud,

  --  offered up for pleasure:

  --  this is known as "Mukula" (the Bud).

  --

  --

  --  When she draws up her knees

  --  and you clamp yours about her raised thighs,

  --  trapping them in a tight knot

  --  while riding saddle upon her buttocks

  --  and kissing her, it is "Shankha" (the Couch).

  --

  --  -----------------------------------------------------

  --  Sitting Positions:

  --  -----------------

  --

  --  Seated, mouth to mouth,

  --  arms against arms, thighs against thighs:

  --  this is "Kaurma" The Tortoise).

  --  If the lovers' thighs, still joined, are raised,

  --  it is "Paravartita" (Turning).

  --

  --

  --  If within the cave of her thighs

  --  you sit rotating your hips like a black bee,

  --  it is "Markata" (The Monkey).

  --  And if, in this pose, you turn away from her,

  --  it is "Marditaka" (Crushing Spices).

  --

  --

  --  She sits with raised thighs,

  --  her feet placed either side of your waist;

  --  "linga" (penis) enters "yoni" (vagina);

  --  you rain hard blows upon her body:

  --  this is "Kshudgaga" (Striking).

  --

  --

  --  When your wife sits

  --  with both knees drawn tight to her body

  --  and you mirror this posture,

  --  it is known to experts in the art of love

  --  as "Yugmapada" (The Foot Yoke).

  --

  --

  --  Seated erect, the lovely girl

  --  folds one leg to her body

  --  and stretches the other along the bed,

  --  while you mirror her actions:

  --  this is "Yugmapada" (The Feet Yoke).

  --

  --

  --  If, with left leg extended,

  --  she encircles your waist with her right leg,

  --  laying its ankle across her left thigh,

  --  and you do the same,

  --  it is "Svastika" (The Swastika)*.

  --

  --

  --    *An ancient good-luck talisman based on the symbolism of a

  --     cross whirling sun-wise. The Nazis used it the wrong way

  --     round, whirling widdershins, and the Indian pundits

  --     always said this was sacrilegious and would doom them.

  --

  --

  --  Sitting face to face in bed,

  --  her breasts pressed tight against your chest,

  --  let each of you lock heels

  --  behind the other's waist,

  --  and lean back clasping one another's wrists.

  --

  --  Now, set the swing gently in motion,

  --  your beloved, in pretended fear,

  --  clinging to your body with her flawless limbs,

  --  cooing and moaning with pleasure:

  --  this is "Dolita" (The Swing).

  --

  --

  --  If, seated face to face,

  --  your toes caress the lovely woman's nipples,

  --  her feet press your chest

  --  and you make love holding each other's hands

  --  it is "Kaurma" (The Tortoise).

  --

  --

  --  Seated, the lady raises

  --  one foot to point vertically over her head

  --  and steadies it with her hands,

  --  offering up her "yoni" for lovemaking:

  --  this is "Mayura" (the Peacock).

  --

  --

  --  If, sitting facing her,

  --  you grasp her ankles and fasten them like a chain

  --  behind your neck, and she

  --  grips her toes as you make love,

  --  it is the delightful "Padma" (the Lotus).

  --

  --

  --  Sitting erect, grip your lover's waist

  --  and pull her on to you,

  --  your loins continuously leaping together

  --  with a sound like the flapping of elephants' ears:

  --  this is "Kirtibandha" (the Knot of Fame).

  --

  --

  --  Kneeling between her thighs,

  --  tickle her breasts and under her arms,

  --  call her 'my lovely darling'

  --  and print deep nailmarks around her nipples:

  --  thus "Jaya" (Victory) is expounded.

  --

  --

  --  Rear-Entry Positions:

  --  --------------------

  --

  --  She bends well forward and grips

  --  the bedstead, her buttocks raised high;

  --  cup your hands to serpents' hoods

  --  and squeeze her jar-shaped (sic) breasts together:

  --  this is "Dhenuka" (the Milch Cow).

  --

  --

  --  If you mount her like a dog,

  --  gripping her waist,

  --  and she twists round to gaze into your face,

  --  experts in the art of love say

  --  it is "Svanaka" (the Dog).

  --

  --

  --  If the lady, eager for love,

  --  goes on all fours, humping her back like a doe,

  --  and you enjoy her from behind,

  --  rutting as though you'd lost all human nature,

  --  it is "Hirana" (the Deer).

  --

  --

  --  When, with lotus-feet

  --  set well-apart on the ground, she bends,

  --  placing a hand upon each thigh,

  --  and you take her from the rear,

  --  it is "Gardabha" (the Ass).

  --

  --

  --  If she lies on her stomach

  --  and you seize her ankles in one hand,

  --  lift them high and make love,

  --  tilting her chin back with your other hand,

  --  it is "Marjara" (the Cat).

  --

  --

  --  She lies on her front,

  --  grasping her ankles in her own hands

  --  and pulling them up behind her:

  --  this difficult posture is known to experts

  --  as "Mallaka" (the Wrestler).

  --

  --

  --  When your mistress (sic) lays

  --  breasts, arms and forehead to the carpet,

  --  raising her buttocks high,

  --  and you guide your penis into her yoni,

  --  it is "Aibha" (the Elephant).

  --

  --

  --  You lift her ankles high;

  --  she draws up

  --  and extends her legs as though she were

  --  crawling through the air:

  --  this is "Hastika" (the Elephant).

  --

  --

  --  She stands on palms and feet;

  --  you stand behind her

  --  and lift one of her feet to your shoulder,

  --  enjoying the lovely girl:

  --  this is "Traivikrama" (the Stride).

  --

  --

  --  Seize her feet and lift them high

  --  (like a wheel barrow),

  --  drive your penis into her yoni

  --  and pleasure her with vigorous strokes:

  --  this is "Kulisha" (the Thunderbolt).

  --

  --

  --  You kneel, as in archery,

  --  take her on your lap

  --  and bend her forward till her breasts

  --  are pressed to her thighs:

  --  this is "Ekabandha" (One Knot).

  --

  --

  --  Lying on her side, facing away,

  --  the fawn-eyed girl

  --  offers you her buttocks

  --  and your penis penetrates the house of love:

  --  this is "Nagabandha" (the Elephant).

  --

  --

  --

  --  Standing Positions:

  --  ------------------

  --

  --  And now for the love postures

  --  with which sculptors adorn our temple walls.

  --  When a couple make love standing,

  --  or leaning against a wall or a pillar,

  --  it is called "Sthita" (Steadied).

  --

  --

  --  When the woman sits in her lover's

  --  cradled hands, her arms around his neck,

  --  thighs gripping his waist,

  --  her feet pushing back and forth against a wall,

  --  it is "Avalambitaka" (Suspended).

  --

  --

  --  When, catching and crushing your lover

  --  in the cage of your arms,

  --  you force her knees apart with yours

  --  and sink slowly into her,

  --  it is "Dadhyayataka" (Churning Curds).

  --

  --

  --  When she leans against a wall,

  --  planting her feet as widely apart as possible,

  --  and you enter the cave

  --  between her thighs, eager for lovemaking,

  --  it is "Sammukha" (Face-to-face).

  --

  --

  --  If, as you lean against the wall,

  --  your lady twines her thighs around yours,

  --  locks her feet to your knees,

  --  and clasps your neck, making love

  --  very passionately, it is "Dola" (the Swing).

  --

  --

  --  When your lover draws up one leg,

  --  allowing the heel

  --  to nestle just behind your knee,

  --  and you make love, embracing her forcefully,

  --  it is "Traivikrama" (the Stride).

  --

  --

  --  If you catch one of her knees

  --  firmly in your hand

  --  and stand making love with her

  --  while her hands explore and caress your body,

  --  it is "Tripadam" (the Tripod).

  --

  --

  --  If she raises one leg

  --  and you catch hold of her little foot,

  --  caressing her breasts

  --  and telling her how much you love her,

  --  it is "Ekapada" (One Foot).

  --

  --

  --  Her foot pressed to your heart,

  --  your arms encircling and supporting her,

  --  lean back against the wall

  --  and enjoy the lovely girl:

  --  this is "Veshta" (the Encircling).

  --

  --

  --  She stands against the wall,

  --  lotus-hands on hips,

  --  long, lovely fingers reaching to her navel.

  --  Cup her foot in your palm

  --  and let your free hand caress your angel's limbs.

  --

  --  Put your arm around her neck

  --  and enjoy her as she leans there at her ease.

  --  Vatsyayana (the author) ans others

  --  who knew the art of love in its great days

  --  called this posture "Tala" (the Palm).

  --

  --

  --  If you lean back to a wall

  --  and your lover, clinging to your neck,

  --  places both her feet

  --  in your palms and thus makes love,

  --  this is "Dvitala" (Two Palms).

  --

  --

  --  If you lift your lover

  --  by passing your elbows under her knees

  --  and gripping her buttocks

  --  while she hangs fearfully from your neck,

  --  it is "Janukurpara" (the Knee Elbow).

  --

  --

  --  Your wife grips your neck

  --  and locks her legs around your waist:

  --  this is "Kirti" (Fame) - a posture

  --  not described in "Kama Sutra" or "Ratirahasya".

  --  Never try it with heavy girls.

  --

  --  ----------------

  --

  --  Oral Pleasures -- Fellatio Techniques:

  --  -------------------------------------

  --

  --  When your lover catches your penis

  --  in her hand and, shaping

  --  her lips to an 'O', lays them lightly to its tip,

  --  moving her head in tiny circles,

  --  this first step is called "Nimitta" (Touching).

  --

  --

  --  Next, grasping its head in her hand,

  --  she clamps her lips tightly about the shaft,

  --  first on one side then the other,

  --  taking great care that her teeth don't hurt you:

  --  this is "Parshvatoddashta" (Biting at the Sides).

  --

  --

  --  Now she takes the head of your penis

  --  gently between her lips,

  --  by turns pressing, kissing it tenderly

  --  and pulling at its soft skin:

  --  this is "Bahiha-samdansha" (the Outer Pincers).

  --

  --

  --  If next she allows the head to slide

  --  completely into her mouth

  --  and presses the shaft firmly between her lips,

  --  holding a moment before pulling away,

  --  it is "Antaha-samdansha" (the Inner Pincers).

  --

  --

  --  When, taking your penis in her hand

  --  and making her lips very round,

  --  she presses fierce kisses along its whole length,

  --  sucking as she would at your lower lip,

  --  it is called "Chumbitaka" (Kissing).

  --

  --

  --  If, while kissing, she lets her tongue

  --  flick all over your penis

  --  and then, pointing it, strikes repeatedly

  --  at the sensitive glans-tip,

  --  it becomes "Parimrshtaka" (Striking at the Tip).

  --

  --

  --  And now, fired by passion, she takes

  --  your penis deep into her mouth,

  --  pulling upon it and sucking as vigorously

  --  as though she were stripping clean a mango-stone:

  --  this is "Amrachushita" (Sucking a Mango).

  --

  --

  --  When she senses that your orgasm

  --  is imminent she swallows up the whole penis,

  --  sucking and working upon it

  --  with lips and tongue until you spend:

  --  this is "Sangara" (Swallowed Whole).

  --

  --

  --

  --  Oral Pleasures -- Cunnilingus Techniques:

  --  ----------------------------------------

  --

  --  With delicate fingertips,

  --  pinch the arched lips of her house of love

  --  very very slowly together,

  --  and kiss them as though you kissed her lower lip:

  --  this is "Adhara-sphuritam" (the Quivering Kiss).

  --

  --

  --  Now spread, indeed cleave asunder,

  --  that archway with your nose and let your tongue

  --  gently probe her "yoni" (vagina),

  --  with your nose, lips and chin slowly circling:

  --  it becomes "Jihva-bhramanaka" (the Circling Tongue).

  --

  --

  --  Let your tongue rest for a moment

  --  in the archway to the flower-bowed Lord's temple

  --  before entering to worship vigorously,

  --  causing her seed to flow:

  --  this is "Jihva-mardita" (the Tongue Massage).

  --

  --

  --  Next, fasten your lips to hers

  --  and take deep kisses

  --  from this lovely one, your beloved,

  --  nibbling at her and sucking hard at her clitoris:

  --  this is called "Chushita" (Sucked).

  --

  --

  --  Cup, lift her young buttocks,

  --  let your tongue-tip probe her navel, slither down

  --  to rotate skilfully in the archway

  --  of the love-god's dwelling and lap her love-water:

  --  this is "Uchchushita" (Sucked Up).

  --

  --

  --  Stirring the root of her thighs,

  --  which her own hands

  --  are gripping and holding widely apart,

  --  your fluted tongue drinks at her sacred spring:

  --  this is "Kshobhaka" (Stirring).

  --

  --

  --  Place your darling on a couch,

  --  set her feet to your shoulders, clasp her waist,

  --  suck hard and let your tongue stir

  --  her overflowing love-temple:

  --  this is called "Bahuchushita" (Sucked Hard).

  --

  --

  --  If the pair of you lie side by side,

  --  facing opposite ways,

  --  and kiss each other's secret parts

  --  using the fifteen techniques described above,

  --  it is known as "Kakila" (the Crow).

  --

  --

  --

  --  Role Reversal:

  --  -------------

  --

  --  During lovemaking, ten types of blows

  --  may be struck with the penis,

  --  but of these only "Upasripta" (Natural),

  --  which is instinctive even to untutored cowherds,

  --  results in full clitoral stimulation.

  --

  --

  --  It is a gentle forward stroke

  --  which may be varied for depth and speed,

  --  allowing a subtlety, rhythm

  --  and spontaneity which

  --  the other nine each lack to some degree.

  --

  --

  --  If you grasp your penis and move it

  --  in circles inside her yoni,

  --  it is "Manthana" (Churning).

  --  When you strike sharply down into the yoni,

  --  it is "Hula" (the Double-edged Knife).

  --

  --

  --  If, when her hips are raised by a pillow,

  --  you strike a rising blow,

  --  it is "Avamardana" (Rubbing).

  --  If you hold your penis pressed breathlessly

  --  to her womb it is "Piditaka" (Pressing).

  --

  --

  --  If you withdraw completely

  --  and then strike her violently to the womb,

  --  it is "Nirghata" (the Buffet).

  --  Continuous pressure on one side of her yoni

  --  is "Varahaghata" (the Boar's Blow).

  --

  --

  --  If you thrust wildly in every direction,

  --  like a bull tossing its horns,

  --  it is "Vrishaghata" (the Bull's Blow).

  --  Quivering in her yoni is "Chatakavilasa" (Sparrow Sport),

 

  --  which usually heralds orgasm.

  --

  --

  --  The involuntary shuddering of orgasm

  --  is called "Samputa" (the Jewel Case).

  --  But no two women make love quite the same way,

  --  so orchestrate your rhythms

  --  to the moods and colors of each lover's "raga" (emotions).

  --

  --

  --  If long lovemaking exhausts you

  --  before your lover has reached her orgasm,

  --  you should allow her

  --  to roll you over your back

  --  and sit astride you, taking initiative.

  --

  --

  --  If the posture gives her deep pleasure,

  --  or you enjoy its novelty,

  --  she may transpose into it as a matter of course,

  --  taking great care, however,

  --  not to expel the linga from the temple of love.

  --

  --

  --  Consider: she climbs upon you,

  --  the flowers dropping from her tousled hair,

  --  her giggles turning to gasps;

  --  every time she bends to kiss your lips

  --  her nipples pierce your chest.

  --

  --

  --  As her hips begin to churn,

  --  her head, flung back, bobs ever faster;

  --  she scratches, pummels you with small fists,

  --  fastens her teeth in your neck,

  --  doing unto you what you've often done unto her.

  --

  --

  --  When she takes the man's role,

  --  your lady has the choice

  --  of three famous lovemaking techniques:

  --  "Samdamsha (the Tongs),

  --  "Bhramara" (the Bee) and "Prenkholita" (the Swing).

  --

  --

  --  If she uses the Mare's Trick,

  --  gripping your penis with her yoni's vice,

  --  squeezing and stroking it,

  --  holding it inside her for a hundred heart-beats,

  --  it is known as "Samdamsha" (the Tongs).

  --

  --

  --  If, drawing up her feet,

  --  she revolves her hips so that your penis

  --  circles deep within her yoni,

  --  you arching your body to help her,

  --  it is "Bhramara" (the Bee).

  --

  --

  --  If she now swings her hips

  --  in wide circles and makes figures-of-eight,

  --  swaying upon your body

  --  as though she were riding on a seesaw,

  --  it is "Prenkholita" (the Swing).

  --

  --

  --  When her passion has ebbed,

  --  she should rest, bending forward to lay

  --  her forehead upon yours

  --  without disturbing your yoked bodies:

  --  it won't be long before desire stirs again.

  --

  --

  --  Catching your penis, the lady

  --  with dark eyes like upturned lotus petals

  --  guides it into her yoni,

  --  clings to you and shakes her buttocks:

  --  this is "Charunarikshita" (Lovely Lady in Control).

  --

  --

  --  Enthroned on your penis,

  --  she places both hands on the bed

  --  and makes love, while you

  --  press your two hands to her thudding heart:

  --  this is "Lilasana" (Seat of Sport).

  --

  --

  --  She sits upright upon you,

  --  her head thrown back like a rearing mare,

  --  bringing her feet together

  --  on the bed to one side of your body:

  --  this is "Hansabandha" (the Swan).

  --

  --

  --  The young woman has one foot

  --  on your heart and the other on the bed.

  --  Bold, saucy women adore this posture,

  --  which is known to the world

  --  as "Upavitika" (the Sacred thread).

  --

  --

  --  If, with one of her feet

  --  clasped in your hand

  --  and the second placed upon your shoulder,

  --  your young lady enjoys you,

  --  it is "Viparitaka" (Reversed).

  --

  --

  --  If your lover, seated above you

  --  with feet lotus-crossed

  --  and her body held erect and still

  --  makes love to you,

  --  it is known as "Yugmapada" (the Foot Yoke).

  --

  --

  --  If she strides you,

  --  facing your feet,

  --  brings both her feet up to your thighs,

  --  and works her hips frantically,

  --  it is known as "Hansa-lila" (Swan Sport).

  --

  --

  --  Your lover places one foot

  --  on your ankle, lodges

  --  her other foot just above your knee,

  --  and rides you, swinging and rotating her hips:

  --  this is "Garuda" (Garuda).

  --

  --

  --  If you lie flat on your back

  --  with legs stretched out

  --  and your lover sits astride you, facing away

  --  and grasping your feet,

  --  it is called "Virsha" (the Bull).

  --

  --

  --  Clasping each other's hands,

  --  you lie sprawled like two starfish making love,

  --  her breasts stabbing your chest,

  --  her thighs stretched out along yours:

  --  this is "Devabandha" (the Coitus of the Gods).

  --

  --

  --  Lying upon you, your beloved

  --  moves round like a wheel,

  --  pressing hands one after the other on the bed,

  --  kissing your body as she circles:

  --  experts call this "Chakrabandha" (the Wheel).

  --

  --

  --  If, by means of some contraption,

  --  your lover suspends herself above you,

  --  places your linga in her yoni

  --  and pulleys herself up and down upon it,

  --  it is "Utkalita" (the Orissan).**

  --

  --

  --  **I must admit that this is kind of far fetched. However,

  --    there is an illustration on the next page depicting this

  --    position and showing two women pulling the woman up!!

  --

  --

  --

  --  Love Potions and Sex Aids

  --  -------------------------

  --

  --  To Enslave a Lover:

  --  ------------------

  --

  --  Anoint your penis, before lovemaking,

  --  with honey into which

  --  you have powered black pepper,

  --  long pepper and "datura" (the green thorn apple) -

  --  it will utterly devastate your lady.

  --

  --

  --  Leaves caught as they fall from trees

  --  and powdered with peacock-bone

  --  and fragments of a corpse's winding-sheet

  --  will, when dusted lightly

  --  on the penis, bewitch any woman living.

  --

  --

  --  If you crush milky chunks of cactus

  --  with sulphur and realgar,

  --  dry the mixture seven times, powder it

  --  and apply it to your penis,

  --  you'll satisfy the most demanding lover.

  --

  --

  --  And if, to these powerful ingredients,

  --  you add a monkey's turd,

  --  grind them together and sprinkle the powder

  --  on your unsuspecting lover's head,

  --  she will be your devoted slave for life.

  --

  --

  --  To Increase Potency:

  --  -------------------

  --

  --  Honey-sweetened milk in which

  --  the testicles of a ram

  --  or a goat have been simmered

  --  has the effect, when drunk,

  --  of making a man as powerful as a bull.

  --

  --

  --  Pumkin seeds ground with almonds

  --  and sugarcane root,

  --  or with cowhage root and strips of bamboo,

  --  and stirred into honeyed milk,

  --  have the same arousing effect.

  --

  --

  --  The sages say that wheat-flour cakes

  --  baked with honey and sugar

  --  and sprinkled with the powdered seeds

  --  of pumpkin and cowhage

  --  give one strength for a thousand women.

  --

  --

  --  The yolk of a single sparrow's egg

  --  stirred into rice pudding

  --  that has been thickened with cream,

  --  wild-honey and "ghee" (clarified butter)

  --  has the same invigorating effect.

  --

  --

  --

  --  Enlarging the Penis or "Yoni" (Vagina):

  --  --------------------------------------

  --

  --  First rub your penis with wasp stings

  --  and massage it with sweet oil.

  --  When it swells, let it dangle for ten nights

  --  through a hole in your bed,

  --  going to sleep each night on your stomach.

  --

  --

  --  After this period use a cool ointment

  --  to remove the pain and swelling.

  --  By this method men ... of insatiable

  --  sexual appetite, manage to keep

  --  their penises enlarged throughout their lives.

  --

  --

  --  By applying an ointment made from

  --  crushed barleria leaves

  --  to her "yoni", the elephant (large) woman

  --  can spend at least one night

  --  discovering the delights of being a doe ("small" woman).

  --

  --

  --  Likewise the doe can use honey

  --  mixed with powdered roots

  --  of lotus, madder, "sal" (tree of aromatic gum),

  --  the blue lotus and the mongoose plant

  --  to accomodate a stallion for one night.

  --

  --

  --  To Cope With Impotence:

  --  ----------------------

  --

  --  A man who climaxes too swiftly

  --  should arouse his lady

  --  by caressing her clitoris with his fingers

  --  and flooding the well

  --  of her yoni before he enters her.

  --

  --

  --  If, during lovemaking, the erection

  --  cannot be sustained because

  --  the man is old, or simply exhausted

  --  he should use the delicate

  --  oral techniques given in an earlier chapter.

  --

  --

  --  The man who is utterly unable

  --  to achieve an erection

  --  should pleasure his wife/lover with a phallus

  --  crafted from materials like

  --  gold, silver, copper, iron (!!), ivory or horn.

  --

  --

  --  The artificial phallus should be shaped

  --  to your natural proportions.

  --  It will be more arousing for the lady

  --  if the outside is studded

  --  with a profusion of large, smooth nodules.

 

 

~~

    

   A man calls home, and the maid answers the phone.

   Man:  "Let me talk to my wife"

   Maid: "I'm sorry, sir, she's upstairs with her boyfriend"

   Man:  "Well, there's a shotgun in the hall closet.

          Take it and kill the bitch and her damn boy-toy!"

    

He haers the phone being put down, and a few minutes later, two blasts

from a shotgun. a couple of seconds later, the maid comes back and

says,

    

"What should I do with the bodies?"

    

" Put them in the pool," he says.

    

"We don't have a pool," she replies.

    

"Don't have a pool? Is this 555-4398 ?"

    

***************************************************************************

    

    

Little Johnny is attending his maths class when teacher asks him a

question: "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you

shot one with your rifle, how many would be left?"

"None," says Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."

"well the answer is four," says teacher, "but I like the way you're

thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for now: If there were three

women eating ice cream cones entering a shop, one was licking her

cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the

cone, which one is married?"

"well" says teacher, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"not quite," says little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her

finger, but I like the way you're thinking......."

    

**********************************************************************

    

Two worms live under a golf course. One morning the first worm

bores his way up to the surface to see if it's raining. As fate

would have it, two female golfers have just been starting an

early game. One of them has to pee badly, but it's so early that

no one is around, so her friend persuades her to squat down and

pee right there. So she pulls down her golfing knickers and does

just that, at the exact instant that our worm appears at the

surface. Drenched, he quickly burrows back down to the second

worm, who asks: "Well? Is it raining up there?"

    

"Listen," reports the first worm. "It's raining so hard up there

that the birds have started to build their nests upside down!"

 

~~    

    

    

   Two sardarjis were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking

   boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were

   dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a

   stir.

    

   When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a

    

   jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months!

    

   "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It

   shouldn't take that long!!"

    

   "Oh yeah?" says one surd. "On The box it is mentioned 2 - 4 YEARS!

    

 

~~

   

         This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.

        And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The

        elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,

        so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the

        screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the 

        elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry,

        I am going to save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the

        Jungle.

 

        The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws

        a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself

        and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant

        is saved (loud applause).

 

        So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that

        he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be

        in mortal danger).

 

        As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'

        the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over

        and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

        The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the

        elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too

        small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the

        elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.

        As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.

        Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs

        out to safety.

 

    

                       -

                       -

                       -

                       -

                          -

        Moral of the story:

        "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."

    

   ~~

 

   An old man was sitting on a park bench by himself when a punk rocker came

   and sat down next to him.

 

   The old man started staring at the punk rocker, looking closely at the

   brightly spikey hair cut that had been coloured in blues, red, greens and

   yellow. He also was looking at the slightly hooked nose.

 

   The punk swung around,"What are staring at me for asshole, ain't you ever

   done anything radical in your life?"

 

   "Well I fucked a parrot once and I was just wondering if you were my son!"

    

   ~~ 

    

    A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to 

    put a $100 bill on his willie.  The artist agrees, but is curious and asks

    the man  why he wants to do this.

 

    The man replies, " I have my reasons which I would rather not tell  right

    now".

 

    So, the artist goes ahead and does the job.  But, all the while he is

    anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his  penis.

 

    So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and

    says  that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo

    if he  would  just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

 

    So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:

    "First, I like to play with my money.

    Second, I like to watch my money grow.

    And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow

    $100,  she can stay home to do it."

    

~~

 

Last year, I upgraded my  GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0

   (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently I upgraded Fiancee1.0 to

   Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all my space; and

   Wife1.0 must be running before I can do anything. Although I

   didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw

   and BrotherInLaw.

 

    Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...

     - A "Don't remind me again" button

     - Minimize button

     - Shutdown feature

     - An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be

       completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose

       cache and other objects)

     - "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say

       it)

 

     I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still

     installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted.

     Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have

     an uninstall program.

     I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system

     directory.

     Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that

     I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only

     supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

 

    *****  BUG WARNING  ********

 

    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install

    Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will

    delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.

    Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient

    resources.

 

 

        The Information Technology Pantheon:

        =======================================

        Narada      : Data Transfer

        Brihaspati  : Chief Information Officer

        Chitragupta : Personnel Records

        Yama        : Reorganization Consultant

        Brahma      : Systems installation

        Vishnu      : Tech support

        Shiva       :  Power surge

        =======================================

 

 

 

 

        =======================================

        Ram         : Hardware Support

        Apsaras     : Downloadable Virus

        Devas       : Programmers

        Surya       : UNIX System Admin

        Lakshmi     : Mgr - Trading Systems

        Krishna     : Chief Technology Consultant

        Rakshasas   : In House Hackers

        =======================================

 

~~

 

Once there was a prostitute who had three  different rates based on the following three  conditions:

 1) $10.00 to do it on the grass.

 2) $20.00 to do it on a couch.

 3) $30.00 to do it in the bed.

 

It's in the morning when a Mexican walks in and   slaps a $10 bill on the table.  So they go out and do it on the grass.

 

Around noon, an American walks in and slaps a $20 bill on the table. So they go for the couch and do it on there.

 

About the end on the day, a Middle-Eastern guy walks in and slaps $30 on the table.  Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,... you have class"

 

The Middle-Eastern guy responds, "Class my ass... Three times on the grass..

 

~~

 

hi ...... we all know there are so many symbols to express our

(normal) emotions over the internet/email. But we never had  symbols to

express certain feelings which are very much a part of our (normal)

emotions.

 

 Well .... following are some of'em which addresses this issue. Hope you

 will find'em usefull in ur daily usage.

 

 

   \@/            :  Scratch your balls

 

   \!/               :  Scratch your dick

 

   (o)             :  Asshole eg. say - u are an (o)

 

   (O)            :  A big asshole (generally used for boss)

 

   ()                :  pussy

 

   (|)               :  a virgin

 

   ($)              : a prostitute

 

   ({})             : Aunty (with a BIG hole)

 

   (,) (,)          : Boobs (with nipples)

 

    Q               : Tits with sharp pointers

 

   /(,)\             : Squeeze the boobs

 

   X(,)X          : Squeeze with both hands

 

   (i)               : Fuck you !!

   

   (?)            : Kiska samaan hai ye (whose model is this)

 

   (+)            : Got screwed up (notice the first aid sign)

 

   (T)            : No harm in having a game, its protected (notice

                    Copper-'T' sign)

 

~~

 

 The Phone Call

 

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

 

When the man tells her it will be $300

She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! "

To that the man asks "Anything"??

And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"

..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!

He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..         She says "HELLO, MOM"????

 

~~

 

A man with a 50 inch long dick goes to his doctor to complain

that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him.  They

all tell me that my dick is too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you

can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.

But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."  So the doctor

gives him  directions to the witch.  The man calls upon the witch and

relays his story.

"Witch, my dick is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to

have sex with me.  Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it."

The man uncoils his 50 inch rod. The witch stares in amazement,

scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to

your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the

forest.  In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help

solve your  dilemma.

First you must ask the frog, will you marry me?  Each time the frog

declines your proposal, your dick will be ten inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.  He

came upon  the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log.  He

called out  to the frog, "will you marry me?"  The frog looked at

him  dejectedly and replied, "NO".  The man looked down and suddenly his

dick was 10 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!  But it's still too

long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted.  The frog rolled

its eyes  back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"  The man felt

another twitch in his dick, looked down, and it was another 10 inches

shorter.  The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his dick again, 30 inches long, and reflected

for a  moment.  Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less

would be  ideal.  So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more

time.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will

you marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its head,

"NO!..........NO!!..........and for the last time..........NO!!!"

 

~~

 

 A women complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore.

 He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's

 drink and her husband would be recharged.  The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee and that night sex was ecstatic.  The next day she said, "what the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.

 

Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The women's son answered the phone.  When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling,

 

~~

 

Hindi Name                 Japanese Version

  ----------                 ----------------

 

  Ek Aashik:                 Hiro Hito Hun

  Aashik's mother:           Hiro Ki Ma

 

  A secretary:               Li Kho Li Kho

  A Waiter:                  Chai En Pao Lao

  A cook:                    Pu Lao Pakao

  A Sadhu:                   San T' Sa-Tsung

  A Soldier:                 Tien Shun

  A Watchman:                Kuon Hai

  A milkman:                 Pa Nih Mi Lao

  A Rich man:                Ma La Mal

  A deaf girl:               Kya Kaha

 

  A Beautiful girl:          Hsein Ah

  Kolhapuri girl:            La Won Gi Mi'Chi

  A villager meeting kolha-

  puri girl:                 Hakka Bakka

  Strip tease artiste:       Sabu T'aro

 

 

 

 

Dating My Daughter

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest.  He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

 

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad.  Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.  My motto:  wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

 

"So," I'll call out jovially.  "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

 

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

 

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:

You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

 

Rule Four:  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate:  when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

 

Rule Five:  In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

 

Rule Seven:  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:  The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.

 

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight  simple rules from memory.  I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud!  And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them.  (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.)  I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off-and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

 

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.  "Don't you remember being that age?"  she challenged.

 

Of course I remember.  Why do you think I came up with the eight  simple rules?

 

~~

 

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

 

~~

 

There was this little boy who woke up 3 nights in a row to hear his parents making noises from their bedroom. On the 3rd morning, the little boy finally askes his mom, "Mom, for the last 3 night I waked up during the night, and I hear you and daddy making noises from your room. Why?" Surprised by the question the mom replies, "Well... I am jumping up and down on him because he is so fat, that it makes him feel thin." Then the boy said, "That won't work mom!" The mom asks, "Why?" The boy then says, "Because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes by and pumps dad right back up!"

 

~~

 

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his bedroom and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his bedroom to see if he is okay. Then they find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son what changed your mind about learning math? The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they ment business."

 

~~

 

A Useful Tool

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 7 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.  It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.  Anyone found listenining will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sounds resulting from the well lubricated movements.  When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.  After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.  As you have already no doubt guessed, the answer to this riddle is none other than your very own toothbrush.

My comment: I guess some toothbrushes have holes at one end. None of the ones I ever used had a hole at the end, but I guess some do.

 

~~

 

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau.  Looking with

his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.  Thinking to

himself "What a waste!" he made his way down to the empty seat.  When he

arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat

taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat.  She passed away.  She was a big

Packers fan."

The other man replied, "I'm  so sorry to hear of your loss.  May I ask why you

didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

 

 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

TYPICAL INTERVIEW FOR A ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING CANDIDATE

Interviewer:  Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current

in A.C. as compared to D.C.?

Candidate:  An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and

requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

Interviewer:  How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?

Candidate:  I will put my finger in.  If it is pushed away, it is DC.

If it gets stuck, it was AC.

Interviewer:  How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?

Candidate:  I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor

around, and put back the bolts.

Interviewer:  How do you start a synchronous motor?

Candidate:  Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch).

Interviewer:  Stop!  Stop!

Candidate:  Rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch).

Interviewer:  How do you limit surge current within an integrated

circuit?

Candidate:  By using a miniature circuit breaker.

Interviewer:  Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass

through?

Candidate:  See, a capacitor is like this ---| |---, okay.  DC comes

straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it.  But AC, goes up,

down, up, down, and jumps right over the capacitor!

Interviewer:  What is a step-up transformer?

Candidate:  A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.

Interviewer:  And then what is a step-down transformer?

Candidate:  Uh - a transfomer that is put in basement or in a pit?

Interviewer:  Then what do you call a transformer that is installed

on the ground?

Candidate:  A stepless transformer.

 

 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's

funeral.  She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a

dark blue suit.  He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black

suit that he's wearing?"  But she insists that it must be a blue suit and

gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is

wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director how much she loves the

suit and asks how much it cost.  He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. 

The funniest thing happened.  As soon as you left, another corpse was brought

in, this one wearing a blue suit.  I noticed that they were about the same

size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried

in a black suit.  She said that was fine with her.  So... I switched the

heads."

 

~~

 

This doctor is considering specializing in sex disorders. He calls a local clinic and asks if he can get a tour of their facility. The Clinic Administrator tells the doctor that would be fine and to come right on over. As they're walking through the hospital, the doctor sees this guy jerking off in the middle of the hallway. He asks the Administrator what's going on. The Administrator explains that the guy suffers from Hyper Spermatogenisis, that is, unless he gets off several times a day, his balls will explode! A few minutes later they turn the corner and see a guy standing in the hallway getting a blow job from this beautiful nurse. The doctor inquires as to this guy's condition. The Administrator explains to the doctor that this man has the same problem as the other guy, but he as a much better health plan!

 

~~

 

There were three fleas sleeping on this woman, one on her head, the other in her armpit, and the other in her pussy. In the morning after they woke up, they met together on a dog. They were talking and they each asked how each other slept. The first replied, "I slept on this really hard place, it had some hair, but it was very uncomfortable." The second replied, "I slept in this one place that was kinda wet, but it was warm and very comfortable." And then the last flea replied, "I slept in this dark cave and it was really nice. But as I was sleeping this big bald monster came in, woke me up, slammed me against the wall a few times, and then spit in my damn face."

This joke was given to me by Chris Corcoran.

 

~~

 

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

 

~~

 

Bob and Fred are walking by a 7-Eleven, as Bob turns to Fred and says, "I dare you to take off your clothes, go into the store, buy two candy bars, and come back outside to get your clothes!" Fred then asks, "What's in it for me?" Bob exclaims, "I'll give you $200!" "Okay", Fred replied. So Fred strips down to nothing, walks into the store, buys the two candy bars, and exits the store. When he get outside he noticed that Bob was gone with his clothes. Freaking out, he notices three nuns walking by, so he freezes with his hands pressed to his chest, one candy bar in each hand. The three nuns walk over to him. "Ah, a vending machine!", the first nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. "I want one too", the second nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. The third nun, being a little impatient, says, "Let me through, I might want one you know!" So the nuns step aside, as she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, but doesn't get anything. So she continues yanking and yanking and yanking. Giving up she says, "I may not have gotten a candy bar, but I did get some nice hand lotion!"

 

~~

 

There was a little boy playing in his front yard, and his grandpa was sitting on the porch watching his grandson play. The grandfather saw the little boy pull a worm out of the ground, so the grandfather went up to his grandson and said, "Hey son, I'll give you five dollars if you can stick that worm back into the hole you pulled it out of." The little boy thought it would be easy enough so he tried. After a while the boy was about to give up, but suddenly he ran inside and got a can of his grandmothers hairspray. He sprayed it all over the worm and let it dry and then he stuck it back into the hole. The grandpa said, "Well, boy that's a neat trick, here's your five dollars." The next day the little boy was playing again and the grandfather came up to him and handed him another five dollars. The little boy said, "What is this for?" The grandfather said, " Your grandmother thought it was a neat trick too!"

 

~~

 

Three bums are walking down a street when one of them suggests going into a convience store to ask for food. They all agree and go to the nearest 7-11. The first guy tells his friends to wait outside while he goes in. He enters the store and goes up to the cashier and says, "Look, lady, my friends and I are starving, could you please give us some food?" The lady looks at him and says, "Well, sure. But only if you'll fuck me." The guy looks her up and down and says, "Forget it, but we're not THAT desperate". (This lady is like 60). The first bum leaves the store disgusted. All he'll tell his friends is that the lady wouldn't give them any food. "Let me try," said the second guy. He enters the store and says "Look, lady, my friends and I are starving, could you please give us some food?" The lady looks at him and says, "I will. But only if you'll fuck me." The second guy looks her up and down and says, "Sorry, but we're not THAT desperate". He leaves the store mad as hell. He tells the others only that the women wouldn't give him any food. The third guy says "Let me give it a try." The others agree and the second bum goes to sit under a window, realizing that the third guy is smarter then the other two. The third bum says to the cashier, "Look, lady, my friends and I are starving, could you please give us some food?" The lady looks at him and says, "I guess. But only if you'll fuck me." The third bum pauses, looks around, and spots a bag of carrots. He turns back around and says, "All right, but on one condition, you have to keep your eyes closed the entire time." The lady considers for a second and then nods. "Okay. I'll get ready in the back room and then I'll call you." The guy simply nods. The lady goes in the back and the bum goes over and picks up a carrot. The lady calls from the back room. The bum goes into the back room and uses the carrot to fuck the old lady. He leaves the room first, not wanting to get caught with the carrot, and he tosses it out the window. The lady emerges a minute later carrying boxes of food. The bum takes the boxes and leaves. He meets up with the other bums and says, "Look at all the food I got!" "Yeah," said the second bum, "Well look at the swell carrot someone threw out the window!"

 

~~

 

This guy was having an affair with this girl. He thought he heard her husband pull up so he ripped off his yellow condom and through it out the window. The woman said, "My husband won't be home for another 15 minutes." The man went out side and found the condom and continued making love with her. This kept going on for a little while. Then he thought he heard her husband outside and again he ripped off the condom and threw it outside. She said, "He won't be home for five more minutes." He went outside to get it and found a little kid holding it. He told the kid to give it back to him. The guy eventually ended up paying ten dollars to get it back. The kid went home and told him mom, "I sold a guy a twinkie today for ten dollars, but I made sure to suck out the filling first!"

 

~~

 

Three nuns died and went to Heaven.  At the Pearly Gates they were met by St. Peter.  He told them that in order to get into Heaven they had to answer a skill testing question. They all agreed.  He asked the lst one, "Who was the first man on earth?"  She said, "Oh that's easy," and then she answered, "Adam."  The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven.  He asked the 2nd nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy too," and then she said, "Eve." The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven.  He asked the 3rd one, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam."  She said, "That's a hard one, isn't it?" The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing.....

 

~~

 

There was a girl who needed to go take a shower, but her mom was in there already. Her mother says, "You can take a shower with me if you don't look up or down." The girl looks down and asks what is that? Her mother says, "My grass." Then she looks up and asks what those are. Her mom says those are her headlights. The next day she needs to take a shower, but her dad is in there. Her dad says it's okay to come in, but don't look down! She looks down and says, "What is that?" Her dad says, "My snake." That night, the girl has a bad dream and wants to go sleep with her parents. After she gets in bed with her parents she says, "Mommy! Mommy! Turn on your headlights because there is a snake in the grass!"

 

~~

 

There was a woman in a tattoo parlor and she asked for a tattoo on the inside of her right thigh.  The guy asked her what of and she told him a turkey.  He thought that over for a second ask then asked, "A turkey? Whatever you say." So he gave her the tattoo and about a month later she showed up again asking for a tattoo of Santa Claus on the inside of her left thigh.  One again he looked at her like she was crazy but did as she wished.  While she was paying for the second tattoo he couldn't help but look up and ask, "Miss, just out of curiosity, why did you make the choices you did?"  And she replied, "My husband says he only gets good eating between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

 

~~

 

What's the similarity between getting a blow-job from and eighty-year-old and walking a tightrope?

In both cases you don't really want to look down.

 

~~

 

Top 13 Reasons Why The 39 Heaven's Gate Programmers Committed Suicide

13.  They were AOL subscribers.

12.  Sure-fire way to avoid the Year 2000 Problem.

11.  Don't worry -- they're just rebooting.

10.  Actually, they downloaded their personalities into a virtual reality simulator.  (Only required 2KB!)

9.  Had met too many "Rules Girls."

8.  Alan Greenspan made an offhand comment questioning the "irrational exuberance" about Java.

7.  It's the normal fallout from breaking up with a cyberslut.

6.  They got a totally wicked flame-mail from Bill.

5.  They found out there was no real person named Dana Scully.

4.  It wasn't suicide.  It was the Ebola macro virus.

3.  They realized that "Comet Hale-Bopp" is an anagram for "HTML be poop, Ace!"

2.  The aliens told them that in the 21st century no one uses the Web.

1.  They're trying to spam God.

 

~~

 

Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than Church

* You get better quality partners by being good at sex than by being good at religion.

* Having sex doesn't make you feel guilty.

* You don't have to get out of bed to have sex.

* Sex is fun.

* If someone is yelling at you during sex, you're probably doing it right.

* The company is better.

* You don't have unwanted observers judging your sincerity.

* It is so interesting that you don't fall asleep until afterwards, or not at all.

* Sex doesn't have so many rules.

* Countries don't make war on each other for their sexual practices.

* You don't have to take someone else's word on how to have sex.

* The environment is more comfortable.

* The memories have a higher rerun value.

* You never have doubts that you're actually having sex.

* Even when it's bad, it's good.

* You'll never waste an afternoon arguing with someone over whether their sex life is better than yours.

* You won't be ostracized for not having sex.

* You don't have to worry about whether you've chosen the right kind of sex.

* They don't pass around collection plates in bed.

* You won't be eternally tortured in flames for not having sex, not having enough sex, or being bad at sex.

* Singing is optional during sex.

* You don't have to dress up for sex.

* You can hope for a second coming without 2,000 years of effort.

In the throes of sexual passion, one can cry out, "Oh God! God!", but in a church service one can not cry out, "Oh Sex! Oh Sex!"

 

~~

 

1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?

   A: None.

 

2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???

   A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!

 

3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?

   A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

 

4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?

   A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping

      bags for mice.

 

5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

   A: A roaming catholic.

 

6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?

   A: A tran-sister.

 

~~

 

Mother superior at the grocery: I would like to have 120 bananas for

The convent.

Salesman: If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic

           to buy 144 of them.

Mother superior: Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24.

 

~~

 

Mother Superior: Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and

you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?

Sister Maria: I would lift my habit, mother Superior.

Mother Superior (shocked): And what would you do next?

Sister Maria: I would tell him to drop his pants.

Mother Superior: (even more shocked) And what then?

Sister Maria: I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up

Than he with his pants down.

 

~~

 

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night.  Two guys jump out and

start raping them. 

The first nun looks to heaven and says, Forgive them Father, for they

know not what they're doing.  The second nun looks up and says, This one

does!

 

~~

 

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic

church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes.

Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

However, he said, as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend. The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the

priest and says, Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. The priest asks, What

did you do, Sister? She replies, I watched an R-rated movie. The priest

looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water. The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle

quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, Forgive me ,

Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, OK, what happened? She says, I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a

Neighbors dog and killed it. The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute,

then says, You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water. The second nun goes

out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, Forgive me, Father,

for I have sinned. The priest asks, Out with it. What did you do? She

says, Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street. The priest looks up at

heaven for a full five minutes before responding, God forgives you. Go and drink

the holy water. She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard

tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?

The fourth nun replies, I peed in the holy water...

 

~~

 

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.

The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very

Serious frown on her face.  She began to speak...

Mother Superior:  There had been a sinful deed committed here,

yesterday.

99 nuns:  Oh, no!

1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior:  Today I found a pair a men's underwear.

99 nuns:  Oh, no!

1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior:  And I also found a condom.

99 nuns:  Oh, no!

1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior:  And it has been used!

99 nuns:  Oh, no!

1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior:  And there was a hole in it!

1 nun:  Oh, No!

99 nuns:  Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

 

~~

 

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked

there's a knock at the door.

The nun calls: Who is it?

a voice answers: A blind man.

The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in

the room while she's naked so she lets him in.

The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:

Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?

 

~~

 

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.  A man was

Walking by and said Wow what a goddamn fish!  The sister said Sir you

shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun, and the man said But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish.  So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and

said Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught.  The mother

superior said Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!, and the sister said But

mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish.  So the mother

superior said Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it.  While she was

cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said Monsignor look at the

goddamn fish that the sister caught.  The monsignor said Mother superior you

shouldn't talk like that!, and the mother superior said But that's the name of

it: a goddamn fish.  So the monsignor said Well give me the goddamn fish

and I'll cook it.  That evening at supper there was a new priest at the

table, and he said  Wow what a nice fish.   And the sister said I caught

the goddamn fish.  And mother superior said I cleaned the goddamn fish. 

And the monsignor said I cooked the goddamn fish.  And the new priest

said: I like this fucking place already!

 

~~

      A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and

realized halfway across that the camel they were using for

transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

      After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that

they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and

they discussed their predicament in great depth.

      Finally the priest said to the nun, You know, Sister, I am

about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on

earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes

so I can look at you?

      The nun thought about his request for several seconds and

then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,

Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked,

either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?

      With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the

nun exclaimed, Father! What is that little thing hanging between your

legs?

      The priest patiently answered, That, my child, is a gift from

God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.

      Well, responded the nun, forget about me. Stick it in the

camel!

 

~~

 

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a

sign out of the corner of his eye.  It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF

PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.  He thinks it was just a figment of his

imagination and drives on without a second thought.  Soon, he sees

another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

and realizes that these signs are for real.  When he drives past a

third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his

curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. 

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a

small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY.  He climbs the

steps and rings the bell.  The door is answered by a nun in a long

black habit who asks What may we do for you, my son?  He answers I saw

your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing

business.

 Very well, my son.  Please follow me.

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man Please knock on this

door. He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun

in a long habit and holding a tin cup.  This nun instructs Please place

$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of

this hallway.  He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second

nun's cup.  He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,

pulling it shut behind him.  As the door locks behind him, he finds

himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN

PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

 

~~

 

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth

grade what they want to be when they grow up.  Little Sheila says:

When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute! Sister Catherine's eyes

grow wide and she barks:  What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?

A prostitute! Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of

relief and says:  Thank God!  I thought you said a Protestant

 

~~

 

 NY. American is very nice to him. He takes him to see New York. While

they were walking, Indian feels hungry, so he purchases bananas (fruit of

poor people), gives some to american and starts eating. After finishing, as

 usual, Indian  throws the banana skin on the street. American gets angry to see it.

He says  Pick it up ! Pick it up! Don't you know how valuable it is ?

 

 Indian : No

 American : Pick it up and throw in a recycling can

 Indian : Why ?

 American : Because we recycle these banana skins, make biscuits out of it  and export it to India to give food to poor people

 

Indian becomes nervous listening to this answer but could not say anything.

 

After couple of years, this american visits India. He is keen in Visiting  some Red Light areas of India. But he takes precaution of using Condoms while his visit. After his first visit, he comes out with great satisfaction,  takes out his condom and throws into a distbin. Now, Indian gets angry to  see it. He says Pick it up ! Pick it up! Don't you know how valuable it is?

 

 American : No

 Indian   : Pick it up and throw in a recycling can

 American : Why ?

 Indian   : Because we recycle these condoms, make a pack of bubble

Gums or chicklets out of it and export it to America to improve

The stamina of your athletes

 

_______________________________________________________________________________

                Satisfaction Means The END OF LIFE .

                Make Your Heart To Follow Your Mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

               My Very First Time

               The sky was dark

               The moon was high

               All alone just she and I

               Her hair was soft

               Her eyes were blue

               I knew just what

               She wanted to do

               Her skin so soft

               Her legs so fine

               I ran my fingers

               Down her spine

               I didn't know how

               But I tried my best

               I started by placing

               My hands on her breast

               I remember my fear

               My fast beating heart

               But slowly she spread

               Her legs apart

               And when I did it

               I felt no shame

               All at once

               The white stuff came

               At last it's finished

               It's all over now

               My first time ever

               At milking a cow.....

 

I know what you were thinking!!!  Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!

You're sick.

 

~~

 

PICKLE SLICER

 

 Doug worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number of  years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Doug indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion  on his own. One day a few weeks later, Doug came home absolutely ashen.  His wife

could  see at once that something was seriously wrong.

 

What's wrong, Doug? she  asked.

 

Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?

 

Oh, Doug, you didn't.

 

Yes, I did.

 

My God, Doug, what happened? she said, going over to him and checking.

 

I got fired.

 

The wife found that his penis was perfectly fine.

 

Doug... did anything happen to the pickle slicer?  she asked,

confused.

 

Oh...she got fired too.

 

~~

 

Top of Form 1

 

-- There was a software engineer, who used to develop programs on his   Pentium  machine,sitting under a tree on the banks of a river.  He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday  market...

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table And fell in the river. Encouraged by his childhood story of the lumberjack and axe, he started praying for the river Goddess. River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers...

The engineer told her that he lost his computer in the river. As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty...

She picked up a match box and asked "Is this your computer ?". 

Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, "No"

Replied the SWE. Then she picked up a pocket sized calculator and asked if that was it. Annoyed by this, the SWE said "No, not at all" and also thought of educating the Goddess about computers. Then she picked up his Pentium and asked if it was his. The SWE, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes !" and took his machine. Th Goddess was happy for his honesty and was about to give the previous objects also to him.  

But even before she could make the offer, the SWE asked the Goddess,

"Don't you know that you should show me some better computers, before bringing up my own ?"

Goddess, apparantly angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were Millennium and Trillennium, the latest computers from IBM" and disappeared.  The Pentium followed her...

 

  MORAL: IF YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH, BETTER KEEP QUIET...

  CONCLUSION: HARDWARE DEVELOPS FASTER THAN A SOFTWARE ENGINEER. 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.

He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform

Other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little

Room above the bar.

She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts to the dog,

'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.

 

==

 

One day Rob goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional.

'Father', he says, 'this week I have sinned forty three times.

'My son', the priest says, 'this is a bad thing. Who did this happen

with?'.

'My wife', Rob answers.

'But that is not a sin', the priest says, 'That is common behavior in a

marriage'.

'I know', Rob says with a smile, 'I was just anxious to tell someone'.

 

 

==

 

John pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute. After four hours of

exhausting great sex he says: 'Now you won't see me for a while'.

The prostitute regrets to see a good customer leave and asks:

'Are you too busy next week to pay me a visit?'.

'No sweety, that's not what I mean.  Please turn around...'

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Subj:   End of the World

 

God decided it was time to end the world, so he called together those

whom he considered the three most influential people in the world-Bill

Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates.  "The world will end", God told them.

"You must go tell the people."

 

    President Clinton made a live statement on CNN. "I have good news and I

have bad news," he said.  "The good news is that we have been right, there is

a God.  The bad news is that he is ending the world."

 

    Castro sent out a worldwide message to all Communists.  "I have bad news

and worse news," he said.  "The bad news is that we have been wrong all

along-there is a God.  The worse news is that he is ending the world."

 

    Bill Gates got on his computer and sent out a worldwide e-mail on the

Internet.  "I have good news and I have better news," he wrote.  "The good

news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most influential people in the

world.  The better news is that we don't have to upgrade Windows '95!"

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subj:   Free bike ......

 

OH THOSE ENGINEERS.....

                     - Submitted by Lep Andrews

                -----------------------------

Two software engineers were standing in the park...

 

One had a new bike...The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"

 

The first said , "It was free."

 

The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"

 

The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this

bike, took off all her

clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted."

 

The other software engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have

fit you anyway!"

Bottom of Form 1

 

~~

 

The only thing the Taxation department has not yet taxed is your

Ding-Dong.

 

This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,

20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the

time it is in a hole. On top of this it has two   dependants and they are both

nuts.

 

Therefore from April 1996 your Ding-Dong will be taxed according to its size. To

determine your category, please insert this information on part II, Sec 7, line

4 of your standard tax form.

 

10" to 12"              Luxury Tax              Rs. 500. pa.

8"  to 10"              Pole Tax                Rs. 450  pa.

6"  to 8"               Privilege Tax           Rs. 400  pa.

4"  to 6"               Nuisance Tax            Rs. 200  pa.

 

  PS.  Any one under 4" is eligible for a refund.

       Any one exceeding 12" must file under "CAPITAL GAINS"

 

                                NOTICE

  Reg: Voluntary disclosure of Assets for all Female Tax Payers.  

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Minstry of Finance has so far not covered under the purview of tax the

GLOBAL ASSETS of women tax payers. Such assets invariably attracted male tax

payers to hide their income "Projection into Female Vaults" So far the

Government has not ventured to unearth such assets because 60% of the time they

are concealed, 20% of the time Hard Pressed, 15% of the time Squeezed and 5% of

the time sucked.

It also lets a lot of "CLEAVAGE" between the "Global Assets" The government

therefore instead of enforcing a search on such assets has come out with a

scheme to attract women for " Voluntary Disclosure" of their global assets

 

37" to 38"              Burden Tax              Rs. 1,000  pa.

35" to 36"              Entertainment Tax       Rs.   800  pa.

33" to 34"              Excitement Tax          Rs.   600  pa.

31" to 32"              Search Tax              Rs.   400  pa.

 

PS. Sizes under 30" will be eligible for a "Development Rebate" whereas sizes

above 39" will fall under "Wealth Tax "

 

Married women whose assets are shared by their spouses will be entitled to a

concession of 20% on the above rates as "Wear and Tear allowance"

 

All cases of violation of global assets disclosure rule will be handled "Firmly"

 

 

 

**********************************************************************

                  KUBAT MARRIAGE

**********************************************************************

 

The five KUBTEST questions women ask her husband- and their answers

According to KUBAT MAGAZINE, the five questions are:

 

      1 -  What are you thinking?

      2 -  Do you love me?

      3 -  Do I look fat?

      4 -  Do you think she is prettier than me?

      5 -  What would you do if I died?

 

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to

explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer

properly, which is to say dishonestly.  For example:

 

1 -  What are you thinking?  The proper answer to this question, of

      course, is, I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just

reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,

beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.

 

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the

guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five

things:

     a -  Baseball

     b -  Football

     c -  How fat you are.

     d -  How much prettier she is than you.

     e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

According to a KUBAT article, the best answer to this stupid uestion

came from Champuu Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by

his wife, champavati.  If I wanted you to know, Bundy said, I'd be

talkin instead of thinking.

 

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong

answers:

 

2 -  Do you love me?  The correct answer to this question is,  Yes.

 

For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,

      Yes, dear.

 

Wrong answers include:

        a -  I suppose so.

        b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.

        c -  That depends on what you mean by love.

        d -  Does it matter?

        e -  Who, me?

 

3 -  Do I look fat?  The correct male response to this question is o

confidently and emphatically state, No, of course not and then quickly

leave the room.

 

Wrong answers include:

     a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin           

either.

     b -  Compared to what?

     c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.

     d -  I've seen fatter.

     e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your

insurance policy.

 

4 -  Do you think she's prettier than me?  The she in the question

could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard

that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you

just saw. In any case, the correct response is, No, you are much

prettier.

 

Wrong answers include:

     a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.

     b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.

     c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.

     d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.

     e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your

        insurance policy.

 

5 -  What would you do if I died?  Correct answer:  Dearest love, in

the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for

me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first

Garbage truck that came my way.

 

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by

the following stupid joke:

     Dear, said the wife.  What would you do if I died?

     Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband.  Why

do you ask such a question?

     Would you remarry?  persevered the wife.

     No,  of course not, dear said the husband.

     Don't  you like being married? said the wife.

     Of  course I do, dear he said.

     Then why wouldn't you remarry?

     All right, said the husband, I'd remarry.

     You would? said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

     Yes said the husband.

     Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long

pause.

     Well yes, I suppose I would.  replied the husband.

     I see, said the wife indignantly. And would you let her wear my

old clothes?

     I suppose, if she wanted to said the husband.

     Really, said the wife icily.  And would you take down the

pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?

     Yes ...  I think that would be the correct thing to do.

     Is that so?  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  And I suppose

you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too?

     Of course not, dear, said the husband.  She plays snooker !!

 

 

 

 

**********************************************************************

                  KUBAT CONSULTANT

**********************************************************************

 

A man is driving around in his Porsche in the countryside.

Stops  outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and

says  I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in

this  field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me,

and  if I guess wrong, you get my car.

 

Shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees.

 

137 says the driver.

 

Damn me, you're right., says the shepherd and  dutifullyhands

over a sheep. Man walks away, stuffs sheep in car, and  is about

to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window and says I've got

a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for  a living, I get to

take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all  my sheep.

 

Done, says the driver, thinking about how great it would  be to

have 137 sheep around the place.

 

You're a consultant., says the shepherd.

 

Bloody hell, how  did you guess?

 

Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I  already

know, and then you charge me for it.

 

 

**********************************************************************

            KUBAT JOKES: SURD SPECIAL

**********************************************************************

 

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy

so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake

him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt   

that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the 

Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When

the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.

    Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when

he saw the mirror. Said his wife  What's the matter? Replied he The

cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else

     

 Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and  started

thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, Your donkey is  missing;

what are you thanking God for ?

     The sardarji replied I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I

 wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been

missing too.

 

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very

 depressed.

      What happened ?  asked  Surjit.

      Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday .   How come ?

      Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was

being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the

bet.  But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?  Yaar,I bet on

the highlights too

 

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to

 test  a lie detector. The Englishman says: I think I can empty 20

bottles  of beer. BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. Ok, he says, 10

      bottles. And the machine is silent.

     

      The American says: I think I can eat 15 hamburgers. BUZZZZZZ,

goes  the lie detector. Allright, 8 hamburgers.

And the machine's silent. The Sardarji says: I think...,

BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

 

 

**********************************************************************

                  KUBAT POLITICS

**********************************************************************

 

 

Son: Dad, I have a special report for school.  Can I ask you a question?

 

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

 

Son: What is politics?

 

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example.  I am the wage earner,

so let's call me the management.  Your mother is the administrator of

the money, so let's call her the government.  We take care of you and

your needs, so let's call you the people.  We'll call the maid the

working class and your baby brother the future.  Understand?

 

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

 

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he

went to see what was wrong.  Discovering that the baby had a heavily

soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother

fast asleep.  He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through

the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.  The boy's

knocking went totally unheard.  The boy went back to his room and went

to sleep.

 

The next morning...

 

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

 

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

 

Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the

government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and

the future is full of shit.

 

~~

 

    A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that    :

    produces various latex products.

 

    At the first stop, he's shown the machine that

    manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a

    loud hiss-pop! noise.

 

    "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,"

    explains the guide. "The popping sound  is a needle

    poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

 

    Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory  where

    condoms are manufactured.

 

    The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss.  Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

    "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I

    understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's  that

    'pop!' every so often?"

 

    "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple

    machine," says the guide.  "It pokes a hole in every

    fourth condom."

 

    "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

 

    "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple

    business!"

 

 

Ha  no wonder I am going to be a father......

 

~~

 

The Warning Signs Of Insanity

1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

11. You laugh out loud during funerals.

12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

17. You collect dead flies.

18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.

20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front

lawn.

27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

28. Melba toast excites you.

29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

40. You like reading lists like this. :)

 

~~

 

How To Screw Up Your Life

1.Let your son have a "sleep over" with Michael Jackson.

2. Move to Arkansas.

3.Let Kurt Cobain be your role-model. Marry an ugly waste-of-life, complain a lot, do a lot of heroin, and then shoot yourself in your head.

4.Eat Holloween candy without it being thoroghly inspected by parents.

5.Only look one way while crossing the road.

6.Vote for Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Al Sharpton, Mario Cuomo, and other fools for public office.

7.Have unprotected, kinky sex with mokeys infected with the ebola virus.

8.While on the 9th hole, playing golf with O.J. Simpson, ask him how his "arthritis" is.

9.Take the Driver's Liscense test on CRACK!

10.Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

11.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12.Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

13.Repeat everything someone says, as a question, until physically restrained.

14.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?". "What?". "Never mind, it's gone now."

15.Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

16.Cruise around the neighborhood listening to Rancid at top volume.

17.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

18.Inform your friends, frequently and at length, how good it feels to be done with *your* final exams.

19.Name your dog "Dog".

20.Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

21.Ask people what gender they are.

22.Steer every conversation, no matter how irrelevant, toward a discussion of the presidency of Millard Filmore.

23.When dining out, engage in graphic discussions of medieval prostate surgery.

24.Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

25.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

26.Drink 8 glasses of whiskey a day (as opposed to 8 glasses of water, who needs the stuff

anyway) .

 

~~

 

Headaches

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

~~

 

The Letter "R"

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was St. Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. You are also granted an open door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything else which you may desire?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which record the actual prophechies of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming memories over time." St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately, several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celebrate, not celibate!

 

~~

 

The New Yorker

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid fuck!"

 

~~

 

The Memorial

Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. At this point, the other three said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen." And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

 

~~

 

Bragging At A Party

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."

 

~~

 

Who Is The Boss?

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore are in an airplane flying across the country. Suddenly, Bill Clinton says, "Hey, lets throw a $100.00 bill out the window and make someone happy!" Then Hillary Clinton says, "NO, lets throw two $50.00 bills out the window and make TWO people happy!" Then Al Gore says, "NO, lets throw a hundred $1.00's out the window and make a 100 people happy!" Then, from the front of the plane, the pilot yells, "Why don't you throw YOURSELVES out the window and make 200 MILLION people happy?!"

So the plane crashes and they all go to heaven. God comes down from his throne and looks the three of them over and says to Bill, "I'm God, who are you?" Bill looks at him and says "I'm Bill Clinton, and I was the President of the United States!" God thinks for a minute and says, "Hmmmm, that's a pretty important job--you come sit here on my right." Then God looks at Al Gore. "I'm God, who are you?" An Al says, "I'm Al Gore, and I was the Vice President of the United States!" God thinks for a minute and says "Hmmmm, thats a pretty important job--you come sit here on my left."

Then God looks at Hillary. "I'm God, who are you?" "I'm Hillary Rodham Clinton--and I believe you're in MY Chair!"

 

~~

 

The Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

 

~~

 

Three Day Weekend

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!"

 

~~

 

The Clocks

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

 

~~

 

A Really Nasty Sex Joke

A guy had only $1 but he wanted to fuck somebody so he went to a whore house. When he got there he told the madam about his situation and she told him to go upstairs the 2nd door on his right. When he got there he saw an old female on the bed. He was disgusted but started fucking her anyway. Something was scratching his dick so he asked her what it was. She told him she'll be back and went to the bathroom. She came back and he started fucking her again and this time she felt smooth. So he asked her what it was that caused the scratching on his dick. She told him that she had scabs and that she had popped them and let the puss flow.

 

~~

 

Two Drunks

Two guys went to a bar and got all drunk and later found themsevles in a dark alley all alone. One guy says, "Where are we?" The other says, "I dunno." So then the first person said to the other guy, "Hey I got a huge boner man. It's the biggest one that I've ever had. I have to get home to my girlfriend right now." "Well hey, I better come with you.", says the second guy. "What?", says the first guy. "Well, uh, thats my dick in your hand.", said the second guy.

 

~~

 

The Cat Scan

A man came home from work one day and noticed that his faithful Labrador was lying on the ground and appeared to be dead. Quickly the man rushed the dog to the veterinarian and said, "Doctor I think my dog is dead but I am not too sure!" The doctor looked at the dog and said, "Yup, he looks like he is dead." The man replied, "Doctor I think he can be saved. Can you do some kind of test to determine if he is really dead?" So the doctor continued to look at the dog and then grabbed a cat from one of the pet cages and let the cat walk all over the dog. The doctor looked at the man and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog is dead and there is nothing else I can do." The man replied okay and walked over to the receptionist to pay for the doctor visit. The man received a bill for $840.00 and freaked! "Doctor why is this bill so high?" The doctor said, "Well my office visit is going to cost you $40.00 just to have me look at your dog, $100.00 to dispose of your dog, and $700.00 for the cat scan!"

 

~~

 

Computers and God

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?

A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?

A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?

A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?

A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?

A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?

A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email.

 

~~

 

The Big Bad Wolf

Well, after the big bad wolf had been killed by the woodsman, his cousin, big bad nasty wolf moved into the forest. Grandmother had heard about him and she warned Little Red Riding Hood about staying on the path while walking to her house. One day, Mother prepared freshly baked bread for Little Red Riding Hood to deliver to Grandmother. On her way, as she skipped down the path, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out onto the path and said, "Give me the basket of goodies, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." Immediately, Little Red Riding Hood handed over the basket and took off running. Mother was very upset with Little Red Riding Hood for not delivering the basket to Grandmother, even though Little Red Riding Hood didn't tell Mother what had happened; she thought she could take care of this herself. She put her father's .38 special inside the basket under the new loaf of bread. So, the next day, while skipping along the path to Grandmother's house, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out in front of her and said, "Hand the basket over, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." This time though, Little Red Riding Hood pulled out the pistol, pointed it straight at the wolf and replied, "But first, you're going to eat me, like the book says."

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

~~

 

I Want A New Bike

There is a 14 year old kid who asks his dad if he can have a bicycle for his Birthday. His father says, "Well son...Can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy tries it and says, "No daddy, sorry" "Well then you can't have a bike, get the fuck outta here!"

Next year the same scenario happens... "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No dad" "Then get the hell outta my face!"

Finally, the boy turns 16, and after a lot of hard work and some gymnastics, the boy's dick can touch his asshole.

"Hey, Dad, how about a car now instead of a bike?" The dad says, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" Shining with glee, the kid proudly says, "You bet Dad! Look!" The kid shows his dad that he could in fact touch his asshole with his dick. Then his Dad says, "Good, then go fuck yourself!"

 

~~

 

Fat Guys Need Love Too

There was this overweight man who desperately searched for the perfect diet. He searched and one day, found a real tempting ad in the news-paper. It simply stated that the company guaranteed desired weight loss or $1000.00 back. So he decided to give it a try.

The first day, the weight loss center stuck him in a room with two beautiful blondes buttock naked. They were displaying a sign that read, "Catch me and I am yours for whatever". Well, he tried and after much running, he had lost 20 pounds.

Next time, he was placed in the same room, with 3 lovely gals - 2 blondes and a gorgeous red-head. Same thing, they all had signs on stating if they were caught, he could do whatever. Again, he tried but didn't catch them. But, he did lose another 15 pounds.

Next week, he was placed in another room with a beautiful spanish gal and she had a sign on that sttated- Catch me and I will do you forever. Well, he tried but failed. He lost 10 pounds in the process. Well again, he left empty handed.

The final and 4th week, he only had to lose five more pounds to meet his goal. He had nothing to lose. So, they stuck him in a room and locked the door. Low and behold, there was a 600 pound ugly fat-lady with a sign on her that read, "IF I CATCH YOU, YOU ARE MINE!"

 

~~

 

P2 reporting on SARDAR MEDICAL TEST RESULTS::

 

Little is known of the fact that a sardarji once applied to Med.School.

Listed below are the results of his entrance test dug up from some ancient archives...

 

ANTIBODY: against everyone

ARTERY:   the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria

BENIGN:   what you be after you be eight

BOWEL:    letters like A, E, I, O, or U

CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing

CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty

CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her

COMA:     a punctuation mark

CONGENITAL:friendly

CORTIZONE:the local courthouse

D & C:    where Washington is

DILATE:   to live longer

ENEMA:    not a friend

ER:       the things on your head that you hear with

FIBRILLATE: to tell lies

GENES:     blue denim slacks

HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space

IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known

LABOR PAIN: hurt at work

MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's

ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move

PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go

PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

PROTEIN:    in favor of young people

RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula

RHEUMATIC: amorous

TABLET:    a small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport

TIBIA: country in North Africa

TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak

TUMOR: an extra pair

URINE: opposite of "you're out"

VARICOSE: very close

VEIN: conceited

 

~~

 

Subj:   PUNJAB BOARD COLLEGE EXAM PAPER

 

1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters

(only alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or _ allowed)

 

2. Sex ?

( ) Male

( ) Female

( ) Not answerable.

 

3. What's ur age group ?

( ) less than 0

( ) equal to 0

( ) greater than 0

 

4. What is 2 + 2 ?

( ) FOUR

( ) 4

( ) IV

 

5.  If you have one brother, how many brothers ur brother has?

( ) none

( ) one

( ) question is too personal

 

6. Complete the following sentence..............

   ______  ________  ________  _________ ....

 

7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year ?

 

8. Read the statment carefully and answer the following question:

    My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's

     husband's wife is my mother herself....

    Qs. how many times the word mother appear in the above statement?

    ( ) None

    ( ) few times

    ( ) uncountable times

 

9.  If someone gives you a dollar for 100 cents , would you

   ( ) get one dollar ?

   ( ) 100 cents ?

 

10. Write an Essay on MYSELF in not more than three sentences..........

    (HINT : My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a

    ___________ (boy/girl). i am writing an essay.)

 

11. If the time is 3.00 what does ur digital watch show ?

 

12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come ?

 

13. What u do on a honeymoon ?

( ) Collect Honey

( ) Admire Moon

( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon

 

14. Earth is Flat ?

( ) False

( ) Indeed False

 

15. If A = B and B = C then B = A ?

( ) TRUE

( ) FALSE

( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS

 

16. If you eat lunch during lunch time, what u have during dinner time?

 

17. If Ram is Sita's Husband, Who is Ram's Wife ?

 

18. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT....

 

19. Complete the following poem :

    Mary had a little lamb

    little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: . or @ or ^^ )

 

20. This is question number

( ) 1

( ) 10

( ) 20

 

21.  If  2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5 ??

( ) YES

( ) NO

( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR

 

22. write full form of ASAP As Soon As Possible....

    _________________

 

23. Opposite of the word IN is

( ) NOT IN

( ) CRICKET

( ) PUNJAB

 

24. What is the capital of india ?

( ) India

( ) INDia

( ) INDIA

 

25. a,e,i,o and u are collectively called vowels. what are e,a,i,o

and u called ?

 

26. Fill in the blank :

    I am _________ a letter....

( ) READING

( ) WRITING

( ) SEALING

 

27. Who was the first MAN to land on moon ?

( ) MR. ARMSTRONG

( ) MISS ARMSTRONG

( ) MRS ARMSTRONG

 

28. What comes first ?

( ) the Egg

( ) the Omlet

 

29. can you count more than five using your hands ?

( ) YES

( ) NO

 

30. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

 

31. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's

( ) Brother

( ) Son

( ) Daughter

 

32. car A start from X and car B start from Y. X and Y are

located 100 miles apart from each other. how many wheels

does each car has ?

( ) One

( ) Four

( ) Seven

 

33. To reach to the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how

many buttons would you press in the elevator ?

( ) ONE

( ) TWELVE

 

34.  Complete the following series [this question carries 3

marks]

      1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _....

 

35. this one tests ur imagination....

SUN is nearer to india than AMERICA because............

( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA

( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA

( ) i do not have any time left to think on this one....

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

ur feedback counts.....................

 

(please do not write how many times)

I rate the difficulty level for the above question paper as

( ) 8             ( ) 9                ( ) 10

[NOTE : 1 is very easy and 10 is most difficult]

Number of times i flipped a coin

( ) 35

( ) 70

( ) i forgot to bring my coin so i bluffed and prayed for good

    luck....

 

~~

 

After taking his seat on a plane, a businessman was startled to see a parrot strapped in next to him. When the man asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, the parrot squawked, "And while you're at it, get me a whiskey, you cow!"

 

Though insulted, the flustered stewardess dutifully brought back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgot the coffee. As she turned to correct the omission, the parrot drained its glass and squawked, "And get me another whiskey, you bitch."

 

The rattled attendant came back with another whiskey, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such poor service, the man decided to try the parrot's approach. "Look," he snapped, "I've asked you twice for coffee and twice you've come back without it. Now go get it or I'll smack you one."

 

Moments later both he and the parrot were wrenched from their seats and thrown out an emergency exit by two burly stewards. As they plunged downward, the parrot turned to the passenger and hollered, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"

 

~~

 

A gentleman farmer had a prize heifer that was ready to breed. He made arrangements with a beautiful lady rancher to secure the services of her champion stud. When he put his cow in the corral, the bull quickly proceeded to do its business. As they stood watching the action, the farmer started to feel a little randy himself. Leaning over to the lady, he whispered, "I wouldn't mind doing a bit of that."

 

"Go for it," she replied. "It's your heifer."

 

~~

 

PLAYBOY CLASSIC: The high school student spent most of his afternoons in the basement mixing chemicals. One day his father went down to find his son surrounded by racks of test tubes and pounding something into the wall. "Danny, don't put nails in the wall," his father admonished.

 

"It's not a nail, Dad," the young man explained. "It's a worm. I found a formula that turns things as hard as a rock."

 

"Tell you what, son," the man said with sudden interest. "You give me the special formula and I'll buy you a car."

 

The next day when Danny got home from school, he saw two brand-new cars in the driveway. "Dad, what are these?" he asked.

 

"Oh, they're for you, son," his dad said, smiling. "The Toyota's from me. The Mercedes is from your mother."

 

The joke too sick to die: What's written on Karen Carpenter's tombstone? I still think you can't be too rich.

 

Please, I'd like a leave of absence," the about-to-become-obviously-pregnant airline stewardess told her supervisor.

    "Why?" she was asked.

    "It's because I've had -- well -- a sort of accident," answered the girl.

    "What was the cause of this accident?" pursued the supervisor. "Was it job related?"

    "In a manner of speaking," sighed the stewardess. "You might put the cause down as 'pilot error.'"

But, my dear, this person is suffering the agonies of acute nymphomania," the psychiatrist explained when his wife happened to walk in and find him on the couch with a shapely young thing. "I was simply trying to alleviate her pain by administering a temporary anesthetic."

 

~~

 

It was at a homecoming dance that the handsome but painfully shy young man approached the popular sexpot and mumbled, "Gee, I don't mean to be fresh, but if you, you know, danced with me, it would be quite a feather in my cap."

 

"Let's split and go to a motel," twinkled the girl, "and I'll make you an Indian chief!"

 

~~

 

No longer a virgin, Miss Wise

    Arranged for a marriage disguise:

    It was surgical art

    That refurbished her part

    By constructing a tissue of lies.

 

~~

 

P2 reporting on opening of "PUNJAB AIRLINES"

 

An announcement in Punjab Airways :

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your very handsome

captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. Sorry we are four

days late in taking off but I had to do so brothers!  Today we have

120 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we

only have 50 seats! Hmmm.For safety reasons we will be counting all

the passengers again during and after the flight.

 

We have a very good record for safety. In fact We are so safe even the

terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that

over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination.

 

For those of you who don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots

of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If, however, you are still

worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court

settlements. We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable

one and even a surviving one!

 

If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them

off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary

tea during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the

only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

 

Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot

to record it from the television. But if you really want to see a film

then we will be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at

their movie through the window.

 

Although there is no-smoking in this aeroplane, you may find that

during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your

good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the

engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we are very advanced at Punjab

Airways.

 

Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give a free

bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming short to the uncles!

 Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but

not Punjab Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as

possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then

please let us know. Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic.

 Remember that guy who crashed into the White House, well it is the

same bloke!

 

Now kindly sit on your seat and tie your belt. For those of you who

can't find a belt please tie your own leather belt to the door handle.

 And for those of you who can't find a seat, sit on your suitcase

instead.

 

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend

my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home as Bubbly will

practice flying today to your destination. Thank you for choosing

Punjab Airways. We guarantee that we may not always take you on a

flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!"

Bottom of Form 1

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him

working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or

gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be

deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be

pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be

sent as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Branch Manager

 

 

PS:

MR. MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS REPORT EARLIER TODAY. KINDLY

READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS

Sd/-

Branch Manager

 

~~

 

Lufthansa -

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all

of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean" The passengers were

obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the

captain's next announcement.  "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have

prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your

seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all

 the swimmers are on the right side of the plane" After this announcement all

the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an annoucement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All of the swimmers on

the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away

from the plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...

---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- " 

     -------------------------------------------------------     

    

British Airways -

     

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking.  On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome

you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are

currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,  you

will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.  If you look out of

the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen

off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little  yellow

life raft with three people in it waving at you.  That's me  your captain, the

co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.  This is  a recorded message."

 

     -------------------------------------------------------      

     

Air France -

There once was a flight heading from London to New York.  Halfway during the

flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system...

"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking.  I have a bit of bad news for

you.  We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it

using only three engines.  But because of the loss of power, we will be two

hours late."

Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life...  "This is again

your Captain.  We have lost an engine on our starboard  wing.  But rest

assured that our plane can fly using only two engines.  Due to the reduced

power, we will now be four hours late." The flight goes on, when the

passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system...

"Guess what, folks!  We lost another engine, but nothing to fear.  We can

still make it using only one engine.  But now we will be six hours late.  "

On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and

said:

"I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine.  I'll be late for my connecting flight

from New York!"

     ------------------------------------------     

    

Philippine Airlines -

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, We

are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the

Pacific ocean. Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in

the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for

the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead

and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest. We are

going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like

you to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me:

"Our Father Who are in Heaven.........."

 

 

 

 

 Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One

Man  was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help

 drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only

 window.The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

  The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and

 families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military

 service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when

the  man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by

 describing to his room-mate all the things he could see outside the

 window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour

 periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the

 activity and colour of the world outside.

  The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.  Ducks and

 Swans  played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young

 lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every colour of the

 rainbow.

 Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city

 skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window

 described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of

 the  room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

 

 Read on...

  One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade

 passing by.

 Although the other man couldn't hear the band, he could see it in

His  mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with

 Descriptive  words. Then unexpectedly, a sinister thought entered his mind. Why

 should the other man alone experience all the pleasures of seeing

 everything while he himself never got to see anything ?  It didn't

 seem  fair. At first thought the man felt ashamed. But as the days passed

 and  he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and

soon  turned him sour. He began to brood and he found himself unable to

 sleep.

 He should be by that window - that thought, and only that thought

Now  controlled his life.

  Late one night as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the

 Window  began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other

 Man  watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window

 Groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room he

 Never  moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the

Nurse  running in. In less than five minutes the coughing and choking

 stopped,  alongwith that the sound of breathing. Now there was only silence -

 deathly silence.

  The following morning the day nurse arrived to bring water for

 Their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window,

She  was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take it away. As

 soon  as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved

 next  to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after

 making  sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he

 propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world

 outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He

 strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It

 faced  a blank wall.

 ******************************************************************

 Epilogue: You can interpret the story in any way you like.  But one

 moral stands out: There is tremendous happiness in making others

 happy,  despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but

 happiness whenshared, is doubled.

 Be happy

 

~~

 

Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and Santa Singh, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the final hour approaches, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his inevitable doom.  The time comes for the execution and the American is brought first in front of the firing squad.  As the blindfold is being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running away.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8, .....".  Just before the officer reaches "1", the American shouts, " F L O O D !!". Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away.By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way deep into the woods.And, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.

The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the American's

success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though,

that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' trick again.  Instead, he

decides to use another natural disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:

"10, 9, 8, .....".  Just before the officer reaches "1", the German shouts, "

H U R R I C A N E !!".  Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles

and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, the

German manages to take off his blindfold and run away.  By the time the

executioners are aware of what happened, the German has made his way deep into

the woods.  Again,of course, for the purposes of this joke, no attempt is made

to catch the runaway.

Santa Singh is called on next to appear before the squad.

Seeing his predecessor's successes, the Santa Singh decides to attempt a similar escape.He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' orthe 'hurricane' tricks again.  Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:

"10, 9, 8, .....".  Just before the officer reaches "1",  Santa Singh shouts,

" F I R E !!!!........".

 

~~

 

      Frequently-Asked Questions About Health Care

 

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its

roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that

a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked

hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke

with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result

remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the

doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your

insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were

participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These

doctors basically fall into two categories- those who are no longer accepting

new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.

But don't worry-the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting

new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they

want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be

pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name

brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What

should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly

cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd

already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement

check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of

those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill

farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing

your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get

sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can

handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart

transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10

co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by

then.

 

~~

 

Three friends are working in a company which is on the 20th floor of a

tall building in bombay. One is a Tamilian, the second is a Bengali and

the third is a Sardarji. Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together.

One day the Tamilian opened his lunch box and found 'idlis' in the box.

He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in

the box tommorow, i will jump from the 20th floor and die"

Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says

"If I find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the

20th floor of this building and die"

Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says

"Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going

to jump from the 20th floor"

Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Tamilian

Opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th

floor and dies.

In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their

colleagues, the Tamilian's widow says "I did not know he hated idils so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

 

The Bengali's widow says "I did not know he hated fish so much. If

not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

The sardarji's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My

husband always prepares his lunch"

 

~~

 

Bill Clinton was taking a late evening jog when he spotted a very

attractive young lady standing on a street corner. Seizing the

opportunity he goes up to her and starts a conversation. It doesn't

take long for him to find out that she is a prostitute.

 

Well, says Bill, How much do you charge?

 

One hundred and fifty dollars. she answers.

 

One hundred and fifty dollars!  Bill exclaims.

 

Yes, one hundred and fifty dollars. she says.

 

I can't believe you charge one hundred and fifty dollars.  He says.

 

Well, how much do you think it should cost?  she asks.

 

About ten dollars.  Bill flatly states.

 

TEN DOLLARS!  she cries, Sorry, it's one hundred and fifty dollars.

 

Bill shakes his head and continues his jog.

 

A few days later, he is out jogging late in the evening again, but this

time Hillary decides to join him.  Bill sees that the same prostitute

is standing on the street corner again and decides to steer Hillary away

from her, so they jog on the opposite side of the street. The

prostitute however happens to see them running and yells:

 

Hey, see what you get for ten dollars!!

__________________________________________________

 

 Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a  loaf

of bread..

 

 Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of

bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.. Along come

Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, This is a good opportunity to say

something from the bible to Little Johnny. He walks up to Little

Johnny and says, I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one

hand. What do you have in the  other?

 Little Johnny replies, A loaf of bread Father.

___________________________________________________

 

A guy applied to join a nudist club. Exactly what do you do here? he

asked. It's quite simple, said the club secretary, We take off all

our clothes and commune with nature.

 

Cool, said the guy, ...count me in!!!  So he paid his membership

fee, took off his gear and strolled off.  As he walked along a path, he

saw a big sign which read, Beware of Gays.  A little further along he

saw another sign which read the same thing Beware of Gays.  He

continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze

plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said,

Sorry,... You've had  two warnings!

___________________________________________________

 

      A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is

having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?

The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.

The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to

bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again

goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.  His son is having another

nightmare- the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he

had dreamt that granddaddy had died..  The father assures the son that

granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

      The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes

into his son's room to wish him goodnight.  His son is having another

nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son tthis time says that he

had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is

OK and sends the boy to bed.

     The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to

die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a

collision.  He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food

poisoning.

He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.  He jumps

at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

      Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds

His wife.  Good God, Dear, he proclaims, I've just had the worst day of

my entire life! She responds, You think your day was bad, the milkman

dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.

_________________________________________________

 

 

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau.  Looking with

his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.  Thinking to

himself "What a waste!" he made his way down to the empty seat.  When he

arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat

taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat.  She passed away.  She was a big

Packers fan."

The other man replied, "I'm  so sorry to hear of your loss.  May I ask why you

didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

 

~~

 

 This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's

funeral.  She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a

dark blue suit.  He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black

suit that he's wearing?"  But she insists that it must be a blue suit and

gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is

wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director how much she loves the

suit and asks how much it cost.  He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. 

The funniest thing happened.  As soon as you left, another corpse was brought

in, this one wearing a blue suit.  I noticed that they were about the same

size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried

in a black suit.  She said that was fine with her.  So... I switched the

heads."

 

~~

 

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.  Only one could

go, and he couldn't return to Earth.  The first applicant, an engineer,

was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.  One million

dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T. The next

applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.  He asked for two million

dollars.

I want to give a million to my family, he explained, and leave the

other million for the advancement of medical research.  The last

applicant was a lawyer.  When asked how much money he wanted, he

whispered in the interviewer's ear, Three million dollars.  Why so much more

than the others? the interviewer asked.  The lawyer replied, If you give

me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll

send the engineer.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only

24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they

both had a long cry over it, he askED her if  she would have

sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

 

Of course Darling. she replied. And so they have sex.

 

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her

again, and says, you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you

think we could do it again?

 

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have

sex.

 

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from

exhaustion,  he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again,

You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about

again for old times sake?

 

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly

agrees.

 

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later,

he taps her on the shoulder again and says, Dear, I hate to

keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left

before I die, can we do it one more time?

 

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and

says, You know..  you don't have to get up in the morning.  I

do!!!

       

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales

representative for a large firm.  The interviewer looks over his papers

and says, This is phenomenal.  You've graduated from the best schools;

your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.  However, a sales

Representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.  I'm sorry....we can't hire you.

But wait, he said.  If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!

Really?  Great!  Show me!

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out

all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms,

flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.

He tears it open,swallows the pills, and stops winking.

Well, said the interviewer, that's all well and good, but this is a

respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all

over the country!

Womanizing?  What do you mean?  I'm a happily married man!

Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?

Oh, he sighed.  Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and

asked for aspirin?

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two  fast  friends  , John &amp; David , were great cricket fanatics. They

decided  that  whosoever  dies  first  ,  will try to come back in the

dreams  of others , and tell about the cricket scenario in the heaven.

So  John  dies  first.  One day as david was fast sleep, he heard John

calling  him.  He  was  very happy and was eager to know about cricket

there.

 So, John ! how is cricket there? , asked David.

John  replied, Hey David, I have a good news and a bad news. The good

news  is  that  tomorrow we are going to have a day &amp; night tournament

and  the  bad  is  that  you are the opening bowler for  tommorow's

match..

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a small jar and said, Take this jar home

and bring me back a sample tomorrow. The next day, the 75-year

old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar,

which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what  happened, and the man explains, Well, doc,

it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I

tried with my left hand,but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing.

She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the

teeth out,and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next

door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked. You asked your NEIGHBOR? The old man

replied,Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar

open!

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no

coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside

him.

Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets

in - relieved to be out of the wet. Thanks pal I thought I would

never...... he looks across at the driver and there is no-one

in the seat.

Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it

stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes

to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives - he is by now is

in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped

from the car en-route is because it was travelling so slowly that he

knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened. Anyway it

was going his way and keeping him dry!

 

Now it is stopped at the kerb again just up the street from where he

lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head

off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car.

 

Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there's

something weird about it

 

Yeah, I know says the second guy  But I've just pushed it four

miles and I really need the rest.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery

store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys

 like to tease him.  They say he is two bricks short of a load, or

two pickles shy of a barrel.

 

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a

nickel and a dime.  He always takes the nickel, they say, because

it's bigger.

 

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him

off to one side and said, Junior, those boys are making fun of you.

They  think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.

Are you grabbing  the nickel because it's bigger, or what?

 

Junior said, Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Fire flight

 

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of

a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good

shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. It

will be waiting for you at the airport! he was assured by his editor.

 

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was

warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and

yelled,  Let's go! Let's go! The pilot swung the plane into the

wind and soon they were in the air.

 

Fly over the north side of the fire, said the photographer, and make

three or four low level passes. Why? asked the pilot. Because I'm

going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take

pictures! said the photographer with great exasperation.

 

After a long pause the pilot said, You mean you're not the

instructor?

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

 The attorney asked, May I help you?

 The farmer said, Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's.

 The attorney said, well do you have any grounds?

 The farmer said, Yea, I got about 140 acres.

 The attorney said,  No, you don't understand, do you have a case?

 The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.

 The attorney said, No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?

 The farmer said, Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere.

 The attorney said, No sir, I mean do you have a suit?

 The farmer said, Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.

 The exasperated attorney said, Well sir, does your wife beat you up  or anything?

 The farmer said, No sir, we both get up about 4:30.

 Finally, the attorney says, Okay, let me put it this way.

 WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

 And the farmer says, Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation

  with her.

------------------------------------------------------------

After marrying a young woman, a ninety-six-year-old gentleman told

his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

Let me tell you a story, said the doctor. An absent-minded fellow

went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella.  Suddenly

a bear charged him.  Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and

killed it on the spot.

Impossible! the geezer exclaimed. Somebody else must have shot that

bear.

EXACTLY! replied the doctor.

---------------------------------------

 

Clinton had heard a lot about Lalu Prasad Yadav & Bihar, so he wanted to meet Lalu Prasad Yadav. Lalu Prasad Yadav was a bit hesitant as did not know how to communicate in English. Bill Clinton communicated that Lalu Prasad Yadav should come to U.S.A. with no hesitation, he himself would teach him English.

So Lalu Prasad Yadav reached U.S.A. & was given a red carpet welcome & was taken to the White House straight away. Bill Clinton said that he alone would teach Lalu Prasad Yadav in a large conference room. Bill Clinton only would open the door when the lessons are over. So it started. 1 hr.

passed,2,3,4,5.....hrs. passed; a day passed; two  days passed, 3,4,5,6.....; weeks passed.

 

What a sensation all over America;all decisions were pending; economy came to a standstill.

 

Same here in India, specially in Bihar.  On the 40th day of thier lessons,  Clinton opened the door & what a sight to see all his clothes were torn, his face scratched, his otherwise very nicely done hair totally raised.

 

People were surprised to see him. Lalu Prasad Yadav followed him with his ever glowing face.

 

Then Clinton's Secretary came forward & asked Clinton, Could you teach English to Lalu Prasad?

 

Clinton replied,"Eee Lalua Sasura Hamri Ekahu Nahi Sunat Hai."