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| FRIEND by Nan PART 1 I was drunk so I hardly even noticed the tip of his tongue against my ear. I turned around to find James' eyes staring back at mine for approval or just to take my breath away. But it wasn't him. God, what was his name again? Jack, Jerry�? My thoughts were brought to a halt as he nonchalantly pushed his tongue down my throat. I don't know why, but I responded. Upon recollection, I think I just wanted to be touched, admired or just for the hell of it - get laid. Then I realized James was at his usual post, in the corner of the room drinking his Jameson, satisfying himself just by observing all the wankers making fools of themselves. Oh my god, he can't see me like this� But then again, who cares. It might destroy our friendship, a friendship which I value more than anything, but he would understand - I was drunk, didn't know what I was doing and (the part I wouldn't tell him about) horny. The man - Jeremy perhaps? - took me from the dance floor to the sofa and started groping my breasts. My Wonderbra covered breasts. My for James Wonderbra covered breasts. How many times I'd imagined him taking it off, whispering soft words into my ear and then sucking on my nipples like the world was going to end tomorrow! I don't quite know whether James was aware of the fact that he could do anything he pleased with me. I know he knew I thought he was the smartest person I'd ever known - I told him so, but I'm not quite sure whether he ever caught on to the little "fuck me now" innuendoes. Most men think that if you tell them they're the smartest person you've ever met you want to rip off their clothes (ok, I wanted to do that too), but I just enjoyed talking to James more than I ever had with anyone. It was because of my respect for him that I never got up the nerve to just say: "Look, I know this is gonna sound bonkers, but I've been in love with you from the moment I met you". I wonder what he'd say to that. He'd probably think I was on acid. No, he's definitely not the type of man you tell you're in love with - he tells you, or in my case: doesn't. I guess it would be easier if I were more attractive and less shy, but no, I mustn't wish for that. It was our shyness that brought us together in the first place. Both of us sitting in separate corners of the room at the same parties, exchanging glances, until we were finally introduced (thank god for my friend Cindy - she's a pain in the arse, but knows everybody!) and had a conversation about Sartre. I know what you're thinking, talking about Sartre at a party? With James Dean Bradfield? Lunatic! But it wasn't like that. He amazed me with his knowledge of literature (this from a girl who thinks finding a guy who can read is an improvement!) and we discussed absurdity (what a perfect party topic!) during which we got into a bit of a fight over who was the best character to represent it (uh, angry James!). Neither of us would yield and I think that's why he was fond of my company. Most women swooned around him or were attracted to him but were afraid of him, his persona. He was I guess what you would call butch, sort of this Marlon Brando type, but his face and quietness gave away his intellect. Just look at the Galleghers - they talk all night long and don't say shite. Anyway, I think that's why I was afraid of him - that I couldn't match him. We've been friends for over four months now and I still don't think I can. But I now I have his respect. I can win a debate with his friend Nicky any day. That amuses him, I know it does, but I can't help but feel that he treats me differently when we're in a group or when we're just talking by ourselves. He's sort of parental or brotherly if you will when we're around people. He's in a band (obviously, but this was for a friend and I'm to tired to make any changes) and I've been on tour with them for about a week since it's spring vacation. When he asked me if I wanted to come someone who just walked in would have thought he'd proposed - I was yelling at the top of my lungs - I was going to Glastonbury - he just laughed. Anyway, I'm not a very organised person and he's most helpful to always check if I'd brought everything and that I know where to go. When we're alone he sort of pushes he, just so see how far I'll go. He makes me mad and with his intellect is able to rationalise even the most absurd notions. He knows it drives me crazy - that's why he does it! I've only known him a short while but after our "sessions" as he likes to call them, like he's my bloody shrink, I'm always so pissed off at him. But when we're on the bus in the morning, all is well again and we're back on track. He's the sort of person you easily hold a grudge against, but I find the task impossible, because every time we have a fight I imagine him kissing me hard and full-on on the lips just to shut me up. And then� Which brings me back to my current situation: on the couch after a show with *what's his name?* His fingers are torturing my nipples and one of his hands is sliding up my leg. The moment I feel him reach my knickers is like someone had just thrown a bucket of water on my face. I opened my eyes instantly, I don't even know why, it's not like I wasn't expecting it, and at that moment they meet James' disapproving look from across the room. At this point I really wish I wasn't nearsighted because I couldn't see what he was truly feeling. But I can imagine. Only one thought entered my mind: "Get the fuck off of me Jeff (yes!)!!!" He looked at me, startled at first but then he poured me a drink and brought it to my lips: "Here you go baby, no need to be tense, just drink this and then we'll have a really good time�" "Like hell we will!" I started pushing him off, but he wouldn't budge and he pressed his lips against mine to stop me from screaming. They were swollen form the kissing and besides, no one would have heard me, the music was too loud. I started fighting him as best I could, but he overtook me and eventually pulled out a knife. I felt the cold blade against my leg as to let me know what I was thinking about was correct. He got up and motioned for me to do the same. I started to look around for James or anyone else I knew, but they weren't there. "Figures. Those who lead a rock and roll lifestyle go to bed early!" was the only thing I could think about. I almost started laughing at the situation - thinking this when I was about to get raped, maybe murdered. Nice going, girl. He led me up the stairs of the house the party was in and locked the door behind us. He brought the knife to my neck and told me to be quiet and do as he says and I wouldn't get hurt. I just nodded. "You were the only nice girl alone out there tonight. Though there was that guy, that Marbloro man who kept looking your way. Is he your man baby?" I shook my head no. "Good, then he won't be coming to get you. Tonight, you're all mine." He took the knife and started to cut my dress open, one button at a time. I don't quite know if it was then that I started to cry or before. And if you're thinking of one of those sobbing teenage girls crying over her Backstreet Boy, don't. I just let the tears run down my cheeks. I didn't are think what would happen if I shouted or even sobbed. When he undressed me he tied my hands above my head and then to the bedpost. I suddenly became very worried. I hadn't had sex in ages and if this was going to hurt in the first place it was going to hurt even more now. But he didn't enter me. He started to lick my clit and sucked on it gently as if we were making love. Somehow that made it feel even worse. Just as he started to push his tongue inside me I could hear Nick and James talking outside the door and I stopped thinking, deciding that if this is where I ended up, thinking never brought me anything good in the first place. I started to try fighting him with my legs. Try being the operative word in that sentence. But it sufficed. Somehow the moment that I hear James and Nicky trying to open the door I started to regret my decision. This was the last situation I wanted them to see me in. Too late. I think somewhere inside, James did expect to see what he saw, but he was still shocked. Maybe for a split second he thought it was consensual. I mean you don't exactly expect a rapist to give you what you beg your boyfriend for. Nick knew better. He had him pinned to the wall in seconds but then tables turned. He was only able to take Jeff on at first because of the surprise factor but now Jeff was fighting back and had punched Nick in the jaw. James suddenly moved like someone had just hit the ON button and knocked Jeff unconscious. I just shut my eyes. I didn't want to believe any of this was happening. They must have thought I was in shock and I played along with it as I felt James wrap his coat around my bare shoulders after untying me. I knew it was him, because he had let me borrow it before and it smelled of him. If the situation had been different this would have been the cause of fantasies for weeks to come. He lifted me up, I was drunk and exhausted so I just fell asleep in his arms, but I remember being driven back to the hotel and put to bed. When I woke up I could feel something on my stomach. And when I looked down I could see James' shabby hair. I wanted to go back to sleep but my movement had awoken him. For a second he just stared at me for loss of words and then he decided that "Good morning" was a safe enough bet. I answered him and afterwards he was very concerned about my wellbeing. I told him I was fine, but he insisted that I go see a doctor. I refused on the grounds that nothing really happened and he stopped fighting me. I hear him mumble "Nothing indeed" under his breath before he turned and left the room. His presence was soon replaced by that of Nicky and whereas James was or at least seemed to be mad at me (not that I blame him), or maybe he just didn't know how to act around me anymore, Nicky was a picture of pure sweetness and delight. I think he understood me best, it was like we were on the same wavelength. He'd even figured out I fancied James before I had! He tried his best to cheer me up with only little success. He informed me that Jeff was taken to the police and that they discovered he was responsible for numerous party rapes. They wanted me to go to the station and give a statement, so that's what I did. It wasn't really that bad. I think because the realisation hadn't hit me yet - it was as if I were living in denial. The only good thing about the matter was that I needn't be present at the trial or to testify because they already had enough witnesses. When I returned to the bus I didn't particularly want to take up my usual spot next to James so I went and sat at the end of the bus. Everyone was very kind in saying hello, but apart from that, they had the right idea in figuring out I just wanted to be left by myself and they obliged. The next week went on pretty much like that - they did gigs, I was at the back of the bus reading or enjoying idleness. I had very little conversation with anyone, none at all with James and that bothered me. I knew we would have to work it out eventually, the problem was I hadn't quite worked it out for myself yet. I figured that the best way to solve both my problems would be to confront him. I went to his room after the show in Cardiff. He seemed very quiet and it took me a while to figure out whether he was uncomfortable with my company or just tired. "Hey" I ventured. "Hi" he seemed glad I'd started. "Tonight, the acoustic bit was really good." "Thanks, it's always been your favourite, I know." He smiled just a bit and I forgot what it was that I wanted to say. "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to get to bed�" he started after I'd just stared at him for a few seconds. "Yeah, I'm sorry, just came to say goodnight. And thank you." As I said this I took a step towards him and looked into his eyes, mine filling with tears. He seemed saddened. I wondered if it was because of me and if so, was it because of what had happened, did he feel sorry for me, or was he disappointed in me, "For everything." He looked as thought he didn't quite understand. "It's ok." I turned around to leave and suddenly turned around. I could feel the adrenalin pumping in my veins: I had to get this out and this was as good a time as any. "No, it's not ok!" "Hmmmm?" he looked surprised. I guess he'd grown accustomed to me just going along with whatever anyone said to me. "It's not ok. You've done so much for me and you've been such a good friend. And what do I do?" "Don't�" "I have to�I'm sorry, it just hurts so much. Before, we used to spend all our time together and now we're so distant. It's not that I don't understand that things have changed," I took a deep breath: "but I hope you'll let me know what I can do to get things back to the way they were. Please tell me that there's something I can do�" At that point I started to cry, but I could still see the softness in his eyes when he came up to me and held me close for what seemed like hours. Not that I objected. When we finally parted he smiled and said: "I'm sorry, I haven't been much of a friend lately." "You don't call rescuing me from the arms of a rapist being a friend? James, you're hardly the one who needs to apologize�" he put his finger to my lips: "Shhhh�let me finish. I meant the was that I've been treating you since it happened. It's just strange for me." I nodded but in reality I had no idea why it was strange for him: "It was strange to find out that your friend is a complete moron?" I said before I even realised I was talking aloud. He, however, didn't seem surprised at my outburst. "That's not the strange bit. You're not a moron and you're not stupid. That could've happened to anyone." I couldn't help but say: "Lucky me!" I was so glad to see he didn't take that seriously. "Hm, James?" "Yes?" "What was the strange thing?" "Well�" he hesitated and refused to look me in the eye: "It was strange because I, I�" "Come on mumbles, out with it! Tell me how I can fix this!" I was laughing when I said that but it only made matters worse. "Maybe we should just go back to bed." He started walking towards the bathroom. "No, please, I'm sorry. Please continue. But don't fumble about. Just pit it out." He still hesitated, so I added "Please". "I�." I was getting really nervous, so I interrupted him again: "Do I need to sit down for this then?" "Yes, sit down and shut up!" "Ok, ok, no need to be stern!" "All right, here goes. I hope you don't think I'm a freak after this�" "Well, not any more of a freak than I think of you right now anyway" I laughed, he looked at me seriously, almost pleading with me, but with a bit of that 'oh would you shut up already' air to it. "Ok, the reason why it was strange for me is because I wanted to be him." Your eyes widen�no, this isn't happening� "The first thing I thought of with you lying there with his head between your legs was not: 'oh my god, I've just walked in on them doing it', it didn't even hit me till later that it wasn't completely consensual. I�I was jealous." He lowered his head, his shoes suddenly became very interesting. I winced. I couldn't believe my ears. I've waited to hear this for months and this is how you tell me! I was uncomfortable in the situation and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, I felt sick to my stomach. All I said was goodnight and then walked back to my room, burying my head in the pillow and crying myself to sleep. Part 2 >>> <<< Nan�s stories |