Joe and Ben enter and greet audience.

Joe
Hi everybody. Welcome to the ACT. Tonight we have a special show for you. It’s the best of Manic-Depressive Theater. We’ve really only had one show, so it’s pretty much a rerun, but we’ve refined it. We’ve added a few new skits, so sit back and get ready for our enchor presentation of our debut performance with additional direcor’s cut material letterboxed and a packaged with a limited edition gold ... collectors’... version 3.0, with a twist of lime, or something.

Ben
So for those of you that didn’t see the last show, consider yourselves lucky, because now’s your chance.

Joe
That’s right, Joseph.

Announcer
The part of Joseph Lappie will be played by Ben Thomas.

Joe
We have a very special super-secret guest with us tonight. Ladies and Gentlemen, ex-president of the United States...

Ben
Now Joe, that’s a title you keep for life.

Joe
Good point, Joseph. Without further ado, I give you President Richard Milhouse Nixon.

Hail to the Chief plays.

Announcer
The part of Richard Milhouse Nixon will be played by Jeremy Loberg.

Enter Marty in a suit wearing a Nixon mask.

Marty
(doing Nixon impression)
Hiya Dudes. Wuzzzuuuuup? Everybody’s been really great to me here. Thanks for the fruit basket, and I loved those little fish shaped bars of soap in the powder room, but they sure don’t taste like fish.

Joe
Hey wait a minute; Nixon’s dead!

Ben
Hold him, Joe!

Joe gets Nixon in a head lock as he struggles to get free.

Joe
Let’s see who this guy really is...

Ben unmasks Nixon, revealing Marty.

Ben & Joe
(shocked and in unison)
Jeremy!

Announcer
The part of Jeremy Loberg will be played by Marty Block.

Ben
Wait a minute. This is getting confusing.

Joe
Yeah, this isn’t how we did it last time. Where’s Jeremy?

Marty
(Doing Jeremy impression)
Well, you see guys, we decided to switch parts as an acting exercise, because being confined to one role just develops a stereotype, which was beginning to exude discontent...

Ben
Hey, wait a minute. You’re not Nixon. You were just wearing a mask.

Joe
Jeremy, get out here!

Marty
I’m Jeremy now, remember?

Joe
Fine. Marty, will you please come out here?

Announcer
The part of Marty Block will be played by Jeremy Loberg and Joseph Lappie.

Jeremy and Joseph come out in one big shirt and speak simultaneously.

Jeremy/Joseph
Hey Joe, what’s the problem?

Joe
Now what the hell’s going on?

Jeremy/Joseph
I lost my script, so I had to share with him.

Joe
Well, I guess if all the parts are covered then we should be OK.

Ben
How come Ben doesn’t get any Lines

Marty
Listen “JOSEPH.” Ben didn’t even bother to show up last time.

Ben
Ben’s a great actor. He wasn’t at the last show because he went to the National Speech competition in Portland. It was Ben’s second time at nationals and he makes a wonderful addition to the cast.

Joe
Yeah, we get the point Joseph.

Ben
Yes, I Joseph Lappie, think Ben Thomas is the sexiest man alive. And I’m sure all the ladies out there agree. If you’d like to reach Ben at home, his number is 347-4722. I’m not gay... But if I were, I’d like to take Ben and...

Joe
All right, Ben can be in the show. Who’s gonna play him?

Marty
It already taken care of.

JeremyBot enters

Announcer
The part of Ben will be played by the JeremyBot 2000. As played by Julia Child. As played by Lacy Lowery.

Lacy
I’m going to take a poop and scratch myself, then sit around in mismatched clothes.

Joe
Cool, let’s have the JeremyBot play me, and I’ll play Ben. Then we can all be somebody else.

Jeremy/Joseph
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Joe
Well Why do I always have to be Joe?

Marty
Nobody else wants to be Joe.

Jeremy/Joseph
Why don’t you be Jeff?

Joe
OK, I’ll be Jeff. Joe, go make all the phone calls. Joe, go type up all the scripts. You produce the whole show, while I sit in the booth and watch porn.

Marty
I’ll be Jeff.

Ben
I’ll be Ben

Lacy
Are you guys done yet? I can’t breath in this garbage can.

Joe
Yeah, just... take it off. Go ahead, Everybody. Just... Go.

All leave but Joe And Ben.

Ben
So, this is supposed to be better than the last show right?

[Pause]

Joe
Shut up.