A couple finishes dinner at a nice restaurant.

Woman
Well, that was a very filling meal...
Delicious land crabs.

Man
Yes, my steak was just perfect.

Waiter enters.

Waiter
I hope everything was O.K. for you.

Man
Actually, my steak was a little pink.

Waiter
Oh, I’m sorry. I thought
you ordered it rare.

Man
Well, yes. But next time, you should tell
the chef to cook it rare all the way through.

Waiter
O.K...? Can I get you anything else?
An after dinner drink perhaps.

Woman
This is a special night dear.

Man
Of course dear. We’ll have a bottle
of your finest Champaign. Do you
have Merlot?

Waiter
Yes, we do.

Man
Wonderful, we’ll have a bottle of Merlot.

Waiter
Instead of the Champaign?

[Pause]

Waiter
Merlot is a red wine.

[Pause]

Waiter
It’s not a Champaign.

Man
I know. I like Merlot.

Waiter
I’ll be right back with that.

Waiter leaves.

Man
So anyway... I saw that movie
last night. With that one guy.
You know, Elmo or Emanuel...
What’s his name again. Oh yeah,
Emilio Estafon.

Woman
What was the movie?

Man
Oh, I don’t know. Some cop
movie. Cook Out or Steak Cook or
something. He was in that teenager movie,
Breakfast something. Breakfast at Tiffany’s?
Breakfast Express.

Woman
Oh, isn’t he Charlie Sheen’s brother.

Man
Oh yeah, that’s it.
Martin Sheen.

Woman
No no.
It’s Martin Estafon.

Man
You’re right.

Woman
That was a good movie. I haven’t seen it.

Waiter comes back with the wine and pours a small amount for the man to taste. The man motions for more.

Waiter
Would you like to sample the wine first?

Man
Yes, of course.

He takes a drink from the bottle.

Man
Mmm. That’ll be fine.

Woman
Oh, and can I get an ashtray?

Waiter
I’m sorry, this is
the non-smoking section.

Man
Young man, when I asked to be seated
in the first available table, I obviously
meant the first available smoking table.
I think your hostess should pay more attention.

Waiter
I’ll have a word with her. In the mean time,
I can serve your wine in the bar if you’d like..

Woman shakes her head no to her husband.

Man
That’s O.K., we just won’t smoke.

Waiter
Yeah, pretty much.

Waiter rolls his eyes and walks off.

Woman
He’s not a very good waiter.

Man
He doesn’t know the first
thing about fine dinning.

The man tucks his napkin into his shirt and slurps his wine.

Woman
This is so romantic. It reminds me
of that remake of Dracula.
The one we saw on tv.

Man
The one with Keanu Reeves?

Woman
Yes, Thats it.
He was so good in that.

Man
Who was the man who played Dracula?

Woman
I think it was Gary Coleman.

Man
Oh that’s right, because he was
the little black kid in Webster.

Woman
Are you sure? I thought he was white.

Man
Well, he’s a very good actor.
He played the dog in Beethoven.

Waiter comes back with the check.

Waiter
I’m going to leave this for you.
There’s no rush, I’ll just pick it up
whenever your ready.

Man
Actually, I think we’re ready now.
[points to wine] can we have this
wrapped up.

Waiter
Sure, whatever.

Woman
Maybe you can settle this for us.
Was the actor in Dracula, Gary Coleman?

Waiter
You’re thinking of Gary OLDman.
They’re so hard to tell apart though.

Man
You know, I have the same trouble with
Dick van Dyke and Dick van Patton.

Waiter
Don’t worry, alot of men
can’t keep their Dick’s straight..

Woman
[gasp]

Man
Young man, that’s it. This is the worst
dining experience I’ve ever had.
I’ll see to it that I never eat here again.

Waiter smiles and the man starts to sign the credit card receipt

Man
I hope you don’t expect a tip
for this unacceptable behavior.
Your lucky if I don’t write an
angry letter to your manager.

Woman
Remember your blood pressure dear.

The couple walks toward the door as the waiter picks up the credit card slip. They pause at the door...

Man
Oh, wait a minute?
Do you think he meant he has
trouble telling the difference between
Dick Van Dyke and Dick Van Patton too.

Woman
I think that’s what he meant.

Man
I’m sorry honey. Some times I get
a little crazy when it comes to my
little problem. [he looks down]

Woman
Oh Larry, don’t get bent out of shape.

Man
[shouting]
WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, HUH?

The couple walk out. The waiter picks up the phone and reads the credit card slip.

Waiter
Yes, I’d like to order the enlarging pump,
my name is Mr. Larry Floyd.