Joe and Jeremy are sitting at bar dressed as Dudley Moore and Ozzy Osborne. Ben approaches them as the waiter.

Waiter
Any thing else for you two?

Dudley
Yes, another round of drinks,
and something for my friend here.
What was your name?

Ozzy
I forget. What is my name?

Waiter
Hey, aren’t you Ozzy Osborne?
And you’re Dudley Moore.

Dudley
And you’re empty-handed.
Get us a pitcher of martinis.

Waiter
This is great. We get a lot of
celebrities in here. Do you think
we could get your autograph for the wall?

Dudley
Sure. Dear wall, tell the floor
I’m sorry I threw up on it.

Waiter
Mr. Osborne, would you like to sign this?

Ozzy
Sure. What was your name?

Waiter
Oh, you can make it out to the bar.

Ozzy
I couldn’t even make it to the bathroom.

Dudley
Jeez, waiter, bring this man a bucket...
and fill it with scotch. And we’re
meeting a couple of women here, so when
they arrive just send them over.

Waiter
And what were their names?

Dudley
I don’t care.

Ozzy
Any women will do.
(waiter leaves)
So, Dudley, do you think we’ll get
to have some sex tonight?

Dudley
Don’t you think we should
wait for our dates to get here?
(laughs at himself)
No, I’m joking. I’m joking.
Actually, I bend over for gay rights.

Ozzy
I’m right behind you.

Dudley and Ozzy subtly continue garbled conversation as Ben leads Lacy and Marty in dressed as Julia Child and Janet Reno.

Julia
We have a reservation
for Julia Child and Janet Reno.

Janet
We’re meeting a couple of dates.

Waiter
Oh, they’re already here. follow me.

Takes them to Dudley and Ozzy

Waiter
I believe these are your dates.

Julia
You’ve got to be kidding me.

exit waiter

Dudley
Allow me to introduce myse...
(goes to tip hat, but it’s not there)
Where the hell is my hat?

Julia
Aren’t you going to by us some drinks?

Dudley
That’s the best idea I’ve heard all night.

Ozzy
What about the sex?

Janet
Well, I’m very aggressive, so if you’ve
got a bad back or a heart condition,
you can leave right now.

Ozzy
Are you kidding?
I’m in the best shape of my life.

Dudley
Yes, he used to be a triangle.
(laughs)

Janet
You’re on thin ice funny man.

Julia
So, do you like to dance?

Dudley
When the moon hits me, and the music
is right... I can’t stand dancing.

Ozzy
I just can’t stand.

Janet
I don’t care if you’re standing
as long as you’re up.

Waiter brings over a bottle of wine, then leaves.

Dudley
So, tell me, what’s it like being Bill Gates?

Janet
I’m Janet Reno, you drunken bastard.
(chugs wine)

Dudley
Oh God, I’m sorry... and you are?

Julia
I am Julia Child.

Dudley
You mean you’re not Martha Stewart?!

Janet
That’s it. I’m gonna kick
Clinton’s ass for setting us up
with Scott Bayo and Tony Danza.

Dudley
That’s not us. I’m Dudley Moore.

Ozzy
You mean you’re not Demi Moore?!
We’d better get out of here while we
still have some dignity. Waiter,
I’ll take that live chicken to go.
(Dudley and Ozzy get up to leave)
Well, Dudley, are we still
gonna have sex tonight?

Dudley
Good God, I don’t think I could ever
get that drunk. But I’ll try.

They leave

Julia
Well, that’s just great. No men,
and we’re stuck with the check.
Oh wait, here comes the waiter.

Janet
You wanna arm wrestle for it?

Waiter approaches

Julia
No, that’s OK. I’ll get the check.

Janet
No, I meant arm wrestle for the waiter.

Waiter
Uh, don’t worry about it. There’s no charge.

Janet
Even better.

Waiter
I was talking about the drinks. Hey,
what happened to Dudley Moore and Ozzy ?

Julia
Oh, those weren’t our dates.

Janet
We’re waiting on Scott Bayo and Tony Danza.

Waiter
Well, they’re sitting right over there.

Lights on other side of stage to reveal Jeremy and Joe dressed as Scott Bayo and Tony Danza.

Janet
Now there are two hunks I’d like to take home.

Waiter
Hey, the sooner the better. They’ve been
sitting there for three hours getting
refills on water and complementary bread.

Julia
Well, that’s sweet. They waited to order
their meals until we showed up.

Waiter
Actually, they’re broke and they needed
somewhere to go to get out of the rain.
Things haven’t been looking so good
for those two ever since Baby Talk.

Tony
Hey, how much will ya give me
to suck on this lemon?

Scott
Here ya go, Tony. All I got is twenty cents.

Tony
But Scott, we need to save
that money for cigarettes.

Julia and Janet begin walking over to Tony and Scott as Scott fingers through the ashtray on his table.

Scott
Here you go Tony. There’s a couple
of butts for you to suck on.

Janet
Music to my ears.

Julia
Jackpot, Janet. Let’s count our losses
and get these two back to your place.

Tony
But, Julia, don’t you think
we should eat first? Your treat.

Janet
Don’t push it, bub.
You wanna get lucky or not?

Scott
Well, Tony, it beats sleepin’ in the subway again.

Tony
You can say that again.

Scott
Well, Tony, it beats sleepin’ in the subway ag...

Janet punches Scott Bayo in the throat and hoists him over her shoulder. She exits. Tony goes to pick up Julia.

Julia
Don’t touch me until after you’ve showered.

Tony
But, Julia...

Julia punches Tony and follows Janet’s lead. Lights out.