All the big Saints are sitting at the table
chattering. God walks in and stands at the head of the table.
All is quiet.
God
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
I’m afraid though, I have some bad news.
Saints briefly resume a puzzled chatter.
God
I know it’s not news to you that attendance
here in heaven is way down. Sins are up and
repentance is at an all time low. As you can see
here on this graph, even our attempts at lowering
the acceptance criteria last year didn’t help.
We just ended up with a lot of new angels
stealing towels and peeing in the pool.
Saints nod in agreement.
God
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,
and when it comes right down to it,
I feel I’ve let the people down. When
They came up with this whole, Monotheism
thing, they wanted ONE god. ONE creator.
Now, if somebody loses there car keys, they
pray to Antony.
St. Antony gives a shrug of modesty. St. sitting next to him pats him on the back.
God
So I want to get back to the people.
Cut through all this bureaucratic red-tape.
Good old, grass roots religion.
All Saints
Amen!
God
Therefore, it pains me to tell you;
You’re all fired.
Confusion and Outrage from the Saints.
God
Now I’m sure you’ll agree, It’s
what’s best for heaven’s sake.
St. Mike
Now wait a minute. I hope
I’m not out of line here but,
WHAT the HELL are we
supposed to do NOW!
God
OK, OK, that’s a valid point.
First of all, you are out of line.
Shut the Fuck up.
Secondly, I’m sure you’ll
find something. The Hindu’s
have thousands of gods.
Hey, I know Shiva, maybe I can
pull a few strings with her get
some of you guys in as demi gods.
St. Mike
But what about...
God
(interrupting)
What the hell are we arguing
for. Who’s God around here?
I want your desks cleaned out
by 5:00 and you can turn in your
halos at the gate. Peter, don’t make
copies of the keys. I want the originals.
Let’s go son.
God and Jesus leave the room.
Jesus
So, it’s just you and me
huh pop. The old, Father-
Son business again.
God
That’s right boy. And
don’t call me an “old” father.
Let’s go.
continued on tape...