Teenage boy’s bedroom, early evening. The teen is lying in bed, talking on the phone.

Boy
Yeah... OK.
No, I guess you’re right.
No, I don’t want to ruin
the friendship. OK. Bye.

Hang Up

Boy
Man. That’s the fifth girl in a
row. It’s gonna take a miracle
to get me a Prom date.

The door swings open. A bright light shines in with fog and an angelic choir. For men walk into the room. One of which sports a set of wings.

Boy
Who the hell are you?

Michael
We’re here to help, son.
I’m St. Michael the Archangel.
These are my colleagues,
St. Valentine...

Valentine
Hey there.

Michael
B.A., the Angel of Death.

B.A.
That’s right fool.

Michael
And this is Murdock.
He’s here for comic relief.
He’ll pester B.A. get in
all sorts of wacky situations.

Boy
Well what are you
doing here?

Michael
Works been kinda slow. God’s
been getting all the good prayers
lately. The only ones left are for meal
blessings and football games.

Boy
Well, I wouldn’t know about
that. I’m not a Christian.

Michael
To be perfectly honest with
you, neither am I. I’m strictly
Old School Testament. You know,
Hebrew and all that.

B.A.
Come on Fool, you know
he’s the son of God.

Michael
Yeah, well what has he ever
done for me. And don’t give
me that “died for my sins”
OK. I was casting Lucifer into
hell before he was in diapers.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m
Jewish. I’m as Jewish as all
Three Stooges put together.

Boy
The Three Stooges were Jewish?

Michael
(sigh)
Yes. They were Jews.
And so is Capt. Kirk, so was Albert
Einstein ...and so was Jesus.

Boy
Wow.

Michael
So what do you need? Term
paper? Concert tickets? Fake ID?

Boy
A Prom date.

Michael
Ah, young lust. What have
we got for him Val?

Valentine
I think I can hook him up.

Boy
Hey wait a minute. I don’t
remember asking for anybody’s
help. I’ve never prayed before
in my life.

Michael
Look kid. You wanna get
laid or not? Huh. Do you
renounce Satan and all of
your sins?

Boy
I Guess.

Michael
OK, lets go to work.
So tell me about this girl.

Boy
Well, I like her a lot, and she’s
real easy. But she’s got a boyfriend.

B.A.
What’s the fool’s name?

Boy
Brett Thornebeef the third.

Michael
B.A. you take care of him.

Boy
You’re gonna kill him?

B.A.
No, but when I’m through,
the fool will wish he was dead.

Boy
I can live with that.

B.A.
(on the phone)
All right Jocko, meet me at the gym
with a lead pipe and a bicycle chain.

Michael
Level five, B.A

B.A.
(on the phone)
Make that a pair of pliers
and a blowtorch.

B.A. exits

Michael
Val, you hook up with the girl
and turn on the charm.
Murdock, go with him and
make funny faces or something.

Val
You got it.

Boy
You guys want me to crack
a window so you can fly out of here?

Val
Nope, I got my Porsche
parked out back.

Val and Murdock exit

Boy
You drive a Porsche?

Michael
Yeah, Val knows what the ladies like.

The sound of a car alarm being turned off is heard off stage. Mike and the kid sit down for a talk.

Michael
Are you ready for tonight?

Boy
Oh, I’m ready. Are you ready?

Michael
I’m ready, are you ready?

Boy
I said I was ready.

Michael
Apple Dumpling Gang?

Boy
Yeah.

Michael
Seriously kid, do
you have protection?

Boy
I’ve got mace.

Michael
No, she’s got mace.
What have you got?

Boy
I’ve got a full house,
how ‘bout you?

Michael
You win, I was bluffing.
Really, if you don’t want a full house,
you’ll have to take precautions.

Boy
Precaution?

Michael
Yeah, you know.
Precaution.

Boy
I don’t like precaution,
I can’t play drums.

Michael
Can you play dead?

Boy
Nope.
Hey, do you think
I’ll get laid tonight?

Michael
(rolls his eyes)
Not if there’s a god.

Boy
I like my chances.

Michael
Here they come.

Boy
Wow, that was fast.

Michael
Not fast enough.

Murdock
Speedy Delivery

Boy
Man, you guys are good...
wait that’s not her.

Val
I know, she caught us lurking
around her bushes and called the cops.
But this chicks pretty hot.

Hooker
It’ll be $200 for
the both of them.

Val
No. Not the guy
with the wings

Hooker
All right, that’ll be $300.

Michael
So this is the best you guys could do.
Well, it looks like are work here is done.

Hooker
And mine has just begun.

Boy
I’m done.

Michael
I love it when a
prayer comes together.

B.A. runs in covered in blood.

B.A.
Hey fools, there’s a cat
stuck up in a tree.

Michael
Let’s roll

A-Team theme plays