Joke#1
50 Fun Things to do in an Elevator
1. Make racing car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, d*mmit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "0ops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holier "Chocks away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a box that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
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29 Leave a box between the doors.
30 Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31 Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32 Start a sing-along.
33 When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34 Play the harmonica.
35 Shadow box.
36 Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37 Lean against the button panel.
38 Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39 Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40 Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muhmouf?"
43 Blow spit bubbles.
44 Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45 Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46 Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47 Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48 Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49 Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50 If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Joke#2
Phrases for you to use in an interview
Say: "I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
Mean: I've used Microsoft Office.
Say: "I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"
Mean: I pilfer office supplies.
Say: "I take pride in my work"
Mean: I blame others for any mistakes.
Say: "I'm personable"
Mean: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
Say: "I am very adaptable"
Mean: I've changed jobs a lot.
Say: "I am on the go"
Mean: I'm never at my desk.
Say: "I'm highly motivated to succeed"
Mean: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
Joke#3
Reasons why the English Language is hard to learn
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Joke#4
Signs your Co-Worker is a Hacker
1. Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
2. Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
3. When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
5. Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
6. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
7. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
8. Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
9. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President."
10. You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Joke#5
Top 10 Reasons to ask your Boss for a Raise
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
Joke#6
Warning Signs of Insanity
1. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
2. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
3. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
4. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
5. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
6. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
7. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
8. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.
9. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
10. You have a serious fear of fabric softener.
11. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
12. Melba toast excites you.
13. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
14. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
15. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
16. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
17. You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
18. The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
19. You like reading lists like this.
Joke#7
Top 13 things you would never know without the movies
1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
7. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
8. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
9. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
10. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
11. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
12. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
13. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Joke#8
Things you should never say to a Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does..
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"