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Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender,
"Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black
belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby
player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler.
Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."
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A
man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really
good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The
rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you
an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the
evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be
better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny
rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat
stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man
reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers
him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies,
"he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to
$250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for
sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00
cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in
exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could
have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere
$500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The
frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender
asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste
better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well,
you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia,
and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice
custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's
fine. I've just quit drinking."
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Doctors
meeting
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other
three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but
we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others
agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some
time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my
patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find
ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the
things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get
my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but
no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived
on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are
big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas,
he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and
got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are
big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom
was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The
blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped
the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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A
very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver
steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a
man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I
leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they
can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I
left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go
home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave
home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up and drink my poison."
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