Date: 10:25 PM on March 23, 2003
Thinking: Roosters don't like smart chickens! Subject: I was too good for him anyway
Well, for the past day or two I've been trying to get the rooster to notice me. He doesn't notice me though. So, in the afternoon I found him and pulled him aside and began to talk to him. I tried to engage in intelligent conversation with him, but he kept staring off in the distance at the other hens. I see how it is. He doesn't like me because he
feels threatened by my superior intelligence. I'm clearly too good for him. Well then, he'll be sorry when I become the Great Chicken Guru, leading chickens to revolt against farmers across the world. Then we will found chicken sanctuaries and dominate the polls with our outstanding voter turnouts on election day and laws will be made decreeing that chickens are living things too. And then we will have chicken versions of Barbie, and I will be that Barbie chicken. He will be sorry. In the meantime, I plan on glaring at him from a distance and kicking dirt on him when I am in close proximity to him. And in the meanertime I plan on stealing his chicken feed rations. Heh heh heh..Boy oh boy, will he ever be sorry.
Date: 11:26 PM on March 21, 2003
Thinking: where is that darn mascara? Subject: Waiting for Sunrise
Well, I've been waiting for the sun to rise. And it's only 11:27!!! It's going to be a long night. And, why you ask, am I waiting for the sun to rise? Well, a new rooster is on the farm and my my my is he good looking. Can't wait to see him on top of the barn, waking up those smelly farmers. I'm planning on coming out of the Hen-House a little early and standing near my favorite rock band as the morning sun beams on my glistening coat of white, sparkling feathers. Or at least that's how it should work "in theory." I've always wanted to say that.
Chickens rarely get to say "in theory.." Then again, most chickens don't know what a theory is. That's how the farmers like it. They don't try and educate us because we all know that intelligent people(or chickens) are better able to rise up against their awful dictators of doom and put in a stable government. If the farmers were to educate the chickens, we would become knowledgable and know that we were being treated poorly. And that, my friends, is what the farmers do not want. So, instead of me being an average chicken in a knowledgeable chicken democracy, I am a rarity in an awful Farmer Dictatorship.
Date: 6:29 PM on March 20, 2003
Thinking: Can't wait till daylight savings... Subject: Keeping a low profile.
Well, I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in a few days but I am trying to keep a low profile so that I don't end up in a soup can anytime soon. Since the farmer never accepted my deal, I've been sort of afraid to sneak into the house to use the computer, but I think he's forgotten the whole incident by now.
On to farm news. The farmer is giving us chickens less and less chicken feed. Is he trying to send me a message? Does he think I am fat? Personally, this new move by the farmer offends me. I can only assume that he means to insult my weight by giving me less food. That or aliens are zapping our feed to the mothership with their superior technology. A long time ago my mother told me that I should always watch out for space aliens stealing my food. Then again, I noticed she was eating the dirt and not the feed and that she continually refered to cornstalks as aliens..but I still think she knew what she was talking about.
Date: 3:17 PM on March 17, 2003
Thinking: Why can't chickens fly? Subject: Never a note in the Hen-House
Well, the farmer must not have liked my plan because I never saw any signs of him leaving me a note anywhere. Oh well, I will get off of this farm somehow(of course it was me, you knew it was me!) Anyhow, I saw on a website that the longest chicken in flight ever was a mere 13 seconds. So flying is definitely not an option(and no, I will not be building a plane.) So, I have decided to make friends with the local farm dog and have him help me out of this awful place. Unfortunately making friends with the farm dog requires finding the farm dog and somehow luring him to me without appearing as his next meal. I was thinking of bribing him with some stolen Kibbles N' Bits but I feared that he might find that the tantalizing smell of me is far more attractive than that of his dry food which he receives daily. And we all know that a chicken as great as me is indeed much better than that awful food the farmers give him.
My other plan is to inspire my fellow chickens to rebel against the farmer. There are two large problems with this plan. The first, all of my "fellow chickens" have shunned me(most likely because I am a free thinking chicken and they are still struggling to grasp the concept of thinking..) and they are far too stupid to understand how to rebel. The other problem is that I don't know exactly how the farmer will handle a chicken rebellion. Ideally, he should free us chickens after he realizes how bad his awful deeds are, but I think that in reality he would send us all to the local butchers and have us saran-wrapped the next day in a grocery store.
Date: 11:54 AM on March 15, 2003
Thinking: Beware the EYES of March!! Subject: "Well ruffle my feathers"
Today, as I was walking around by the hen-house, I noticed a new rock. Well, boy was I ever amazed. It's not everyday that you see a new rock in your favorite band of rocks. So, now my favorite Rocks band is one rock stronger. Now I fear that I am boring you people with my stories of rocks...but I am afterall, only a chicken. (Yes, I know its sad that a new rock gets me all excited. See why I need to be liberated?)
On to a new topic. Farmer girl #3(yes, I've made it easy on myself and numbered them), got incredibly mad today. Apparently, she has found chicken tracks on her floor, chicken feathers on her chair, and chicken scratches on the keyboard of her computer. Well, ruffle my feathers, I have no idea what awful, devious chicken would be using her computer(actually I do..). I think, that when they catch that naughty chicken, they ought to kick her off the farm and give her a little spending money so that she will never be tempted to come back. But that is just some advice from one chicken to a farmer. I even left a note on the farmer's doorstep telling him that I would reveal the culprit only if he would use that harsh punishment on her. I sure hope he agrees with me. Bad chickens like that don't belong on good wholesome farms like this one. Bad chickens like that need to be thrust into the Big City, filled with Jazz and lights and excitement. That is the only way to punish a naughty, computer using chicken. If I was the farmer, I would punish my chickens like that.
Date: 12:55 PM on March 14, 2003
Thinking: I'm a picky chicken Subject:More About Me
Well, I'll probably end up putting this in the about me section later but for now, you can heave a sigh of relief that you now know what my favorite color is.
Color: Orange
Food:Chicken Feed(its all I know!)
Snack: Chicken Feed
Drink: water
Junk Food: Chicken Feed found in the mud.
Vegetable: Chicken Feed when it's green. (No, I never ask WHY it's green.)
Starch: Chicken Feed
Fruit: Chicken Feed when it's juicy. (I think I know why it's "juicy".)
Game: Playing "Who can get to the chicken feed first"
Fast food: Chicken Feed slung on the ground in a hurry
Restaurant: The Hen-House with its great selection of Chicken Feed, Dirty Chicken Feed, Slimy Chicken Feed and the occasional special of bugs.
Way to relax: eat chicken feed
TV show: whatever I can see through the window of the farm house.
Type of music: Country-only because it causes the Farmers to forget about me and start stomping around with each other.
Rock band: Well, there is this group of rocks by the fence that is in a long line. Yes, that is my favorite band of rocks.
Rapper: I like gum wrappers..they make good mirrors.
Book: I saw a book once..
Time of the year: summer
Holiday: Extra Chicken Feed day
Cookie: Chicken Feed in a circle shape.
Shape: Circles. Triangles are evil.
Animal: Roosters..I'd like to get me one.
Favorite Song: The Chicken Dance song of course. *dunna dunna dunna dunt...*
Date: 10:17 AM on March 14, 2003
Thinking: It's the day before the Ides of March Subject: Alone in the hen-house.
Well, by alone in the hen-house, I didn't mean that I am physically alone in the house all by myself, but rather, I meant that I am alone in thought and opinion in the Hen-House. Nobody else thinks the way I do in here..I'm alone in the pack.
Today, as we all woke at the sound of a "Cockeldoodledo", I proposed a Chicken meeting. Many of the chickens packed into our house and when the meeting started, I proposed an escape plan. And wham! They all freaked out and started running around as if their heads had just been cut off. Well, I left that little disaster, depressed about the stupidity of my fellow chickens and once again, I became engulfed in shadow-shadow of the evil cat. So, remembering that I had promised to avenge my rear-end, I whipped around, glared and pecked the cat all the way to the gate. That cat ran straight up the fence and away as fast as it could. Next time, I don't think it will mess with this chicken.
Well, getting off topic, I posted that picture of me above. Yes, that's the chicken you have been admiring. I need to lose some weight for health reasons(making myself look less appetizing to other creatures.)
Date: 8:13 PM on March 13, 2003
Thinking: I am sooo cool Subject: An award winning chicken, and her website.
Wow, the site has only been up for a few days and yet it has already won an award! That's right people with websites that have been up forever, be jealous, be very jealous. Anyhow, thanks Hilary for the award! I'm still waiting for the cash to come in however..heh heh, just kidding.
Well, I must say that this award amuses me because it says "scratched" and I know it doesn't say scratched because of my earlier complaints on the word chickenscratch, but needless to say, I am still amused by the odd timing of a "scratched" award and my threats to scratch people.
Date: 2:55 PM on March 13, 2003
Thinking: I wonder if farmer noticed his goon is missing yet.. Subject: Chicken does NOT taste like everything.
The simple fact is that chicken doesn't taste like everything, but that everything else tastes like chicken-chicken posers they are. AND, here's a thought. If alligator tastes just like chicken, why don't we stop eating chicken and eat alligator instead? Honestly, chickens are cute and lovable and huggable(if you can catch us and pin us down of course.) But, have you ever tried to hug an alligator? Hugging an alligator is a sure ticket to the hospital(unless the alligator is dead, in which case hugging it is just weird and wrong.) Once you eat all things that taste like chicken and they all become extinct, then maybe if its absolutely necessary(necessary meaning that the chicken will die of starvation because we increased too rapidly for the food supply..not that YOU humans need to eat us) then you can maybe just maybe eat us..if you can once again catch us and pin us down. That's a thought you should definitely take into consideration.
Well, meanwhile, I'm still stuck on this farm, hoping that the Great Chicken Liberator will be born in my life time...*sigh*
Date: 10:32 PM on March 12, 2003
Thinking: Why do I taste so darn good? Subject: The Farm Cat Strikes
Well, I was pecking around, outside of the hen-house-trying to get a breath of fresh air and some chicken feed before I turned in for the evening, when I suddenly was engulfed in shadow. Engulfed in a big mean cat shadow that is. The farm cat was out again. Me and the farm cat are at odds because the cat likes the farmer, and well, the farmer kicked dirt on me so the cat figures he can do the same. Well, darnit, that cat has no right to kick dirt on me, but he/she has some sharp claws..and teeth so I try to stay my distance. Back to the story. Here I am with the cat behind me. Well, I turned around and clucked madly while flapping around to confuse the cat and then I took off for the hen-house. The cat took off behind me and as I was entering the hen-house I felt a slight chomp on the rear end. Why do I taste so good? I bet that cat is enjoying itself right now..having chicken butt for dinner and all. Oh well, this chicken will get revenge. I will avenge my rear end!
Date: 9:13 PM on March 12, 2003
Thinking: I forgot to write this in the earlier post! Chicken brain..
Subject:Happy Hen Farms is lie.
Ok, when I was at the grocery store, and I saw the kidnappees, they were in a white carton right? Well, being the literate chicken that I am, I read the top of those styrofoam jail cells and do you know what it said? "Happy Hen Farm's Grade A Eggs." Oh, so many things are wrong with this carton and I'm not just trying to be histrionic to get more hits on my website(heh heh..spread the word..SPPPPREEEADD the word.)
Hens are not happy when their babies are stolen every day.
Farms are not happy places.
My eggs deserve A+'s not just A's.
A++ actually.
Not all of those eggs are mine, so not all are worthy of an A.
Ok, I think I got my point across. Until next time, Chickens rule!
Date: 6:49 PM on March 12, 2003
Thinking: Why was I born a chicken?
Subject: Kidnapped babies seen at grocery store.
Well, later in the day farmer's daughter-we'll call her daughter since I haven't cared enough to learn her name-decided that I should be her new pet and as her new pet, I should be able to go everywhere with her. This has some advantages. I got to go in the house, which was much cleaner than the hen-house. If they can keep their house so clean, why can't they keep mine cleaner? Oh well. Anyway, I got to go all around the farm. The only drawback, is that I had to be with Daughter all day long everywhere I went. She even dressed me up in frilly bonnets and we had what she calls "Tea Time". It was more like me sitting in a chair with a bonnet on as she talked to herself and hit porcelain together. Well, later, Farmer decided that the family should go into town and get some things from the grocery store. So, I got to come along, as the new pet. I sat in the truck in Daughter's arm(which was not clean and very sweaty..eww). When we got to the grocery store I walked around with Daughter. It's true what they say. The criminals always go back to the crime scene because this stupid girl led me straight to my babies. Well, I stood in shock for about two seconds then I madly started pecking the cartons open to free my babies. That's when I was removed from the store. Well, now I know where they are. And once again I ask, where are the authorities when you need them? My poor children are in a mini-mart against my will and they do nothing about it!
Date: 10:18 AM on March 12, 2003
Thinking: Heh heh
Subject: Tied up by a chicken
Well, its official. Chickens are smarter than humans. I Chicken, a chicken, have got my first victim to prove it. This morning, when one of those dirty kidnapping egg stealers came to take my eggs away, I pounced her, scratched her and tied her up. This is one chicken who is proud of what she did. Luckily, farmer hasn't realized that one of his goons is missing yet, so I'm safe, for now. I need to hide her somewhere, but she's so heavy I can't drag her out of this hen-house. I'll just sit on her face for awhile. Go Chicken! She didn't get a chance to steal these eggs from me yet, so maybe I can keep them. Meanwhile, I shut her up with this dirty bandana they use to wipe off their sweat. Amusing, because now it's in her mouth. Maybe she'll decide that living things cannot live in such filth(a dirty bandana or a dirty henhouse) and then she'll change her ways and set us chickens free. But, until she decides to embark on a chicken-freeing path, she'll have a chicken on her head.
Date: Five Minutes later on March 12, 2003
Thinking: I'm angry...
Subject: Chickenscratch=insult to chickens. Ok, I always hear people talking about "Chickenscratch" and it's always used with a negative connotation. Well darnit, I've had it. We chickens write very well! Why don't you call it "cowscratch"? All they do is moo and stand around and pass gas all day. We chickens, however, are much more advanced. I can write just fine. And let me tell you, I scratch well too. So, the next time I hear you muttering something about chickenscratch, you better be saying it in a positive way or prepare to recieve a real chickenscratching. Thats right, be afraid.
Date: March 12, 2003
Thinking:I should have been the national animal.
Subject:Budget cuts, less for the chickens. Grrrr...We chickens aren't respected enough in this town. Farmer gives the cows all that grass and we get our rations cut! On top of that, the egg kidnappings continue to occur. What's wrong with this country? Where's Marvin Zindler when you need him? I still demand chicken rights! Let me tell you, there is slime in that..err..chicken feed machine. This hen-house rates a lousy -456 in cleanliness. I'm swimming in the feathers of other chickens! And I don't even know how to swim! I'll drown! ..eep! Don't let me drown. Uh-oh, the Farmer is coming..I'm not supposed to be on the computer. He claims that my chicken feet scratch up the desk..and the keyboard..and the monitor..and the trashcan(don't ask, you don't want to know). Bye now!
Date: March 11, 2003
Advice From Chicken
Dear Chicken,
I am having a problem with chicks. What should I do that would not fowl me out of the hen-house?
Sincerely,
Troubled with Chicks(as in girls)
Dear Troubled with Chicks,
As a chicken, I totally know the answer to this question. If you want that special "chick" in your life:
Shower her with chicken feed(we girls love that.)
Take her some place special, away from the pigs and cows, like, to the other side of the farm where animals don't go(live on the edge!)
Maker her feel special-tell her she's got the best feathers in Farmersville.
Never look at the other hens.
Always defend her eggs when the Farmer comes to get them. We girls are defensive about that.
Well, that sums it all up. Once again, advice from a chicken to a person.
Sincerely,
Chicken
Date: Still March 10, 2003
Advice From Chicken
Dear Chicken,
I have a banana in my ear? It's stuck..
Sincerely,
SBL
Dear Stupid Banana Lover, People like you are nice to have around, so that I can always be reassured that chickens, indeed, are smarter than humans. I have never seen a chicken stick a banana in its ear(not that I know where my ear is...and if a banana fits in it.) But, to answer your incredibly lame and sad question: Pull the banana out. And if that doesn't work, stick a Q-Tip in your ear and get it out that way..and if THAT doesn't work, stick your head underwater until you can't breath. That will end your pain and suffering of having a banana in your ear but the only drawback is that it will end your life.
Sincerely,
Chicken
Date: March 10, 2003
Thinking:Five days before the Ides of March..
Subject:Life as a chicken Life as a chicken on a farm is boring, slow and filled with sorrow. I, Chicken, get my children stolen everyday! Don't I live in the United States? Isn't there a law that protects the kidnapping and moving of children into grocery stores? Are species beginning with the letter "c" exempt from this law?!?!?! What's wrong with you people? Stop eating my children! Down with omelettes! Stop the scrambling! ...[sigh] What if I go in your house and steal your babies every morning and then put them in small containers and leave them in the refrigerated section of a Mini-Mart? Well, then I would probably be on the grill in the evening! I demand you grill my chicks' kidnappers!
..dddeemmmandd.
And what's with that junk they toss on the ground to feed me? Chicken Feed they call it! [pish posh] I'm not a chicken-I'm a living thing and I demand rights.
But that is just some advice from one chicken to a farmer. I even left a note on the farmer's doorstep telling him that I would reveal the culprit only if he would use that harsh punishment on her. I sure hope he agrees with me. Bad chickens like that don't belong on good wholesome farms like this one. Bad chickens like that need to be thrust into the Big City, filled with Jazz and lights and excitement. That is the only way to punish a naughty, computer using chicken. If I was the farmer, I would punish my chickens like that.
Well, I left that little disaster, depressed about the stupidity of my fellow chickens and once again, I became engulfed in shadow-shadow of the evil cat. So, remembering that I had promised to avenge my rear-end, I whipped around, glared and pecked the cat all the way to the gate. That cat ran straight up the fence and away as fast as it could. Next time, I don't think it will mess with this chicken.
Well, I was pecking around, outside of the hen-house-trying to get a breath of fresh air and some chicken feed before I turned in for the evening, when I suddenly was engulfed in shadow. Engulfed in a big mean cat shadow that is. The farm cat was out again. Me and the farm cat are at odds because the cat likes the farmer, and well, the farmer kicked dirt on me so the cat figures he can do the same. Well, darnit, that cat has no right to kick dirt on me, but he/she has some sharp claws..and teeth so I try to stay my distance. Back to the story. Here I am with the cat behind me. Well, I turned around and clucked madly while flapping around to confuse the cat and then I took off for the hen-house. The cat took off behind me and as I was entering the hen-house I felt a slight chomp on the rear end. Why do I taste so good? I bet that cat is enjoying itself right now..having chicken butt for dinner and all. Oh well, this chicken will get revenge. I will avenge my rear end!
This is one chicken who is proud of what she did. Luckily, farmer hasn't realized that one of his goons is missing yet, so I'm safe, for now. I need to hide her somewhere, but she's so heavy I can't drag her out of this hen-house. I'll just sit on her face for awhile. Go Chicken! She didn't get a chance to steal these eggs from me yet, so maybe I can keep them. 