A CHRISTMAS PLAY

 

In One Act

 

By

 

Amanda Christine Wray (1994)

 

 

SCENE: It is Christmas Eve. At the Smith household, MA and PA Smith are helping little JOHNNY and JANIE to get ready for church.

 

PA: Hold still, Johnny, or I won’t be able to get this bow tie on right. . .

 

JOHNNY (Playing with a matchbox car): Vroooom, vrooom. . . Santa better bring me a real big red truck, or he’s gonna be sorry!

 

JANIE (wailing): I don’ wanna go to church!

 

MA: But Janie, we have to go to church! It’s Christmas Eve!

 

JANIE: Yeah, and Christmas is supposed to be fun, so I shouldn’t hafta go!

 

JOHNNY: Yeah!

 

PA: But children, it will be fun! On Christmas Eve, everybody gets a candle to light, remember, and we sing nice songs.

 

JANIE: Songs? I like the one about Santa crashing through the roof!

 

JOHNNY: I get my own candle? YES!

 

 

 

SCENE: Church. JOHNNY and JANIE each have their own candle.

 

 

MINISTER: And now let us all bow our heads to pray. Our Father. . .

 

JANIE (singing softly to herself): Hark the herald angels shout/ Five more minutes till we get out/ Five more minutes till we are free/ From this penitentiary. . .

 

(JOHNNY passes his fingers in and out of his candle flame. Then he begins to drip wax intentionally onto the top of JANIE’s bowed head.

 

MINISTER: Who art in Heaven. . .

 

PA (Giving JOHNNY a smack): Stop that!

(MA looks up from her prayer at the commotion.)

 

PA (whispering to MA):  I was, uh, swatting a fly, dear.

 

MINISTER: Hallowed be Thy Name. . .

 

(JANIE, in retaliation, fishes in her mouth for her Grape flavored Bubblicious Bubble Gum and sticks in in JOHNNY’s hair.)

 

JOHNNY: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ! !

 

MINISTER: Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done. . .

 

MA: Johnny! !

 

PA: Janie! ! !

 

(JOHNNY rolls up his program and lights it on fire.)

 

JOHNNY (to JANIE): On guard!

 

MA & PA (In unison): JOHNNY! ! ! !

 

MINISTER: On Earth as it is in Heaven. . .

 

 

 

 

SCENE: At home, after church. MA is washing the bubble gum out of JOHNNY’s hair.

 

MA: You children were very bad tonight.

 

PA: VERY bad. In fact, Johnny, I don’t think you’ll be getting that red truck you wanted after all.

 

MA: And no atomic bomb building kit, either.

 

JOHNNY (horrified): No atomic bomb building kit?

 

JANIE (singsong): Johnny’s in trouble, Johnny’s in trouble. . .

 

PA: Not so fast, young lady.

 

MA: No Blow Off Her Head Barbie for you, missy.

 

JANIE (crying): But I wanna blow off  ‘er heeeaaaaaaad. . . .! ! ! !

 

JOHNNY: How do YOU know we’re not getting’ our stuff? You’re not Santa!

MA: Well, we’ve just talked to Santa. He’s been watching you two this evening, and he’s VERY upset with you.

 

JANIE: But we went to church! !

 

JOHNNY: Santa HAS to give us our presents! It’s CHRISTMAS!

 

JANIE: Is Santa (sniff) bringing us (sniff) ANYTHING?

 

MA: Well, I'm sure he'll bring you SOMETHING. Just not Blow Off Her Head Barbie.

 

PA (Exchanging a knowing glance with MA): You should still leave him milk and cookies. Maybe he won’t be quite so angry with you if you leave him milk and cookies.

 

 

 

SCENE: JOHNNY and JANIE have gotten ready for bed. They are downstairs, alone.

 

JANIE: It’s not fair! Why should we leave Santa milk and cookies when he’s not bringing me Blow Off Her Head Barbie?

 

JOHNNY: And he’s not bringing me an atomic bomb building kit!

 

JANIE: I hope he chokes on his cookies!

 

JOHNNY (getting an idea): Let’s leave him Oreos. Lot’s of them. And lots of milk.

 

JANIE: Why?

 

(JOHNNY goes over to the pantry and returns with a box marked RAT POISON.)

 

JOHNNY: Let’s poison Santa! That’ll teach him!

 

JANIE: Yeah!

 

(JANIE pours the milk and puts the cookies on a plate. JOHNNY dumps some rat poison into the milk and stirs it carefully. JANIE unscrews the top of each Oreo and places a liberal amount of rat poison on each one, then carefully puts them all back together again.

 

JANIE: Bye bye, Santa!

 

JOHNNY: Die, Santa Claus!

 

(The two children giggle and run upstairs to bed.)