Jesus and Jesus

By Amanda Martin

 

Two men, conjoined twins, joined at head.  JESUS is on right, JESUS on left.  JESUS wears a white robe and rope belt; Jesus wears a white wifebeater and Bermuda shorts.

 

JESUS

This is getting so old, man.

 

JESUS

Do not question the will of our Lord and Father, Jesus.

 

JESUS

Bite my ass.

 

JESUS

Why do you deny the miracle of our existence?

 

JESUS

You call this a miracle?  Having someone follow you around twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, stuck to your skull, sharing a chunk of your brain?  That’s a miracle?!

 

JESUS

God works in mysterious ways, my brother.

 

JESUS

Would you knock it off!  You are not the son of God!

 

JESUS

But we both are, Jesus.  We were born of Immaculate Conception, sent to Earth by our Heavenly Father—

 

JESUS

Our “Father” worked at a burrito stand and thought he saw the image of Christ in a potato chip.  That’s why Mom named me Jesus.  They started calling you Jesus because that’s what she screamed when you came out of the birth canal.

 

JESUS

(Praying) Forgive him, Father, he knows not what he says. 

 

JESUS suddenly stabs his arm with a fork.  JESUS jerks in pain.

 

JESUS

Oww!

 

JESUS

(Stabbing his arm with fork repeatedly)  Don’t forget, you’re the only one who can register the sensation of pain in this duo. 

 

JESUS

(Reacting to stabs) Ow!  Stop!  Stop!  Please!

 

JESUS

(He stops) You need to go.

 

JESUS

(With a hint of a smile) No.  You need to go.

 

JESUS

Oh, Christ, not now!

 

JESUS

I’m afraid the time is now.  And don’t take my name in vain.

 

JESUS

(Wets himself)  Aw shit, now I’ve pissed myself!

 

JESUS

Don’t forget, I’m the only one with bladder control in this duo.

 

JESUS

You could’ve at least warned me earlier.  I suppose you’re going to let me sit in it now, too.

 

JESUS

We must learn to endure great suffering.

 

JESUS

This is so unfair.

 

JESUS

But this is who we are.

 

JESUS

No, this is a genetic accident.  As soon as I figure out how, I’m disconnecting you.

 

JESUS

But why, my brother?

 

JESUS

Because you talk like that, for one.  Because it’s not weird enough that we’re joined at the head, but you also have to believe you’re the Messiah!

 

JESUS

Let me put this in perspective for you—

 

JESUS

No, allow me to enlighten you.  You have been celibate for twenty-five years, which means I have been celibate for twenty-five years.  Do you know how frustrating that kind of deprivation can be?

 

JESUS

My life is one of sacrifice and humility.

 

JESUS

I don’t even have my own life!

 

JESUS

If you didn’t have me to remind you to relieve your bladder, you’d urinate on yourself repeatedly each day.  Truly I tell you, you still wouldn’t get any.

 

JESUS begins stabbing himself with fork again.

 

JESUS

(Reacting) Stop!  Stop! 

 

JESUS

(Dejectedly) This is getting so old.