| RI Jeopardy!! (Saturday Night Live Parody) |
| : | | | | |
This is Episode I
|
| From: Dead PigVII | Posted: 3/30/2002 7:35:26 PM | Message Detail |
Jeopardy Theme plays
Dead Pig: Hello everyone, and welcome back to RI Jeopardy. I'm your host, Dead Pig VII. Once again, I'd like to remind our contestants that any form of nudity is not permissible for television. Sorry once again folks. Now, let's look at the scores. MadKatt15 has a new record low of -$29,450, mainly because every time he buzzes in, he rambles about how HIS game show is better, and gives the censors a run for their money. Keep up the good work guys.
MK: You're *** damn right my show is better! What is this crap!? Answering in questions!? What is THAT!? Hey, I'll take "Why Jeopardy SUCKS ****" for 50,000! *Buzzes in* What is, "Because it's a ****ing pathetic joke that will never compete with my show?!"
DP: O_O Next we have Angelman, in second place, with -$10,300. This could be because he either speaks in Spanish, or some unitelligible form of Ghetto...
Angel: Yo yo yo, lemme speak on this bro! Ya'll don't know me, ya'll can't call ME ghetto! Only I can call myself Ghetto yo! Ghettoooooo! G-HETT-ooooo! Where my grits at ****** *****!?
DP: And last but not least, Man5iac is in first place with zero, because he hasn't said anything at all yet...
Man5iac: ...
DP: Now let's have a look at the categories. "Playground equi-"
BradRock: BOOYEAH DEAD PIG! You forgot about me!!
DP: For the 35th time! That's because you're not actually on the show BradRock!
Brad: Whatchu talkin' bout? I got a podium!
DP: You brought that from home! Can't we have him removed? Where's security?!
Brad: *Flashes badge* Right here chief.
DP: Splendid. Just splendid. SIGH... Now, the categories: "Playground Equipment," "Things that rhyme with orange," I should mention that the answer to every question in that category is NOTHING. Moving-
MadKatt: *Buzzes in* Hey uh, here's a category, "Why is Jeopardy ****ing retarded!?" Why the hell am I here and not on my own show!? God only knows what Charlie is doing running it! God, I should kick you in the junk DP, you ****in' little ****!
DP: Thank you... Moving on, "Name the host of Jeopardy," "Eggs," and "Stick 'Em Up Miss!" That category pertains to old Western films, and we should probably just stick with the other ones for the likes of you.
Angel: Hey, yo yo yo, lemme speak on this! ODELAY! Arriba la-
DP: That's enough of that. Let's begin. Man5iac, you're in the lead, so you choose the category.
Man5iac: ...
DP: Uh...
Maniac: ...
DP: Fine then, "Eggs" for 200. And the answer is, "This is the color of an egg."
MK: *Buzzes in* Hey uh, yeah, What is "Jeopardy can suck my fat **** and burn in hell?!"
DP: Um, no...
BradRock: *Screams "BUUUUZZ!" because he doesn't have buzzer* What is, uh.... south african genital herpes?
DP: DEAR LORD! NO! Leave now! You're not even on the-
Man5iac: *Buzzes in* ...
Angel: *Buzzes in* Si, que es "Cayo en cuando fui en el inodoro!"
DP: You fell in while you were on the toilet?
Angel: Si!
---
MadKatt is the coolest of all!
My name is Dead Pig VII, I have been banned 27 times, AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT! |
| From: Dead PigVII | Posted: 3/30/2002 7:36:12 PM | Message Detail |
DP: O_O OK, the answer we were looking for is "WHITE."
Brad: Oooooooooh... you're gettin' tricky on us...
MK: Yeah, maybe because they're ****ing wannabe punk ass NOTHINGS!
Man5iac: *Coughs*
DP: Sigh, how about Angelman picks one?
Angel: Yo yo yo! Why'ncho ya'll gimme uh... lesse heayh... Things dat rhyme wit Orange fer uh, 88 Gs?
DP: I THINK he said Things That Rhyme With Orange... and since we don't go UP to 88,000, we'll go 400. And the answer is... this word rhymes with Orange. Keep in mind, NOTHING rhymes with Orange...
MK: *Buzzes in*
DP: Oh Lord, anyone else?
MK: What?! Are you too good for me you punk white trash piece of horse ****?! I'll kick your ****in' ass to kingdom come!
DP: O_O
Brad: *Yells "BUZZ!!"* What is.... *Turns around, and drops pants, and bends over* THIS?
DP: SWEET JESUS! That is incorrect!
Brad: No, seriously, it's been growin' on my ass for a week. What is it?
Man5iac: *Buzzes in* ...
Angel: *Buzz* Hey uh, howz about we get smiley over their to talk?! Moron! *Rambles in Spanish*
DP: Oh Lord, time's up, the answer was of course, NOTHING. OK Angelman, you pick one.
Angel: Hoya ghanda homa peeps home dawgs g funk slice capncrunchburger funk mastah g home slice dawg muddah cracka pants where mah grits?! WHERE MAH GRITS?!
DP: O_O Uh... Man5iac?
Maniac: ...
DP: Sigh... MK?
MK: I'm not choosing! SCREW YOU!
DP: SOMEONE has to choose!
Brad: *Jumps up and down and breaks cardboard podium* I WILL!
DP: SIGH... why not!? Go ahead! The board is yours.
Brad: BOOYEAH! I'll take... "Stick em up my ass" for 800!
DP: THAT'S "STICK EM UP MISS!" For the love of God! Fine, the answer is, "John Wayne starred in this movie, staring, WHO?" Who starred in a movie, starring JOHN WAYNE?
Brad: "BUUUUZZZZZ!!!" What is "Your big ****?"
DP: GOOD GOD! It's "Stick em up MISS!" NOT, "My ass!!"
Brad: Party pooper! Heh, I said "poop..."
Man5iac: *Buzz* ...
DP: SIGH...
MK: *Buzz* What is "SUCK MY NUTS ****** ****ER!?"
Angel: *Buzz* I don't feel good. *Vomits on floor*
Brad: *Scrambles to eat it*
DP: O_O That having been said, it's time for Final Jeopardy... and the category is... what the hell?! "TREES INDIGINOUS TO SOUTHERN MALASYIA?!" Are you morons?! They don't know what color an EGG IS!
Man5iac: It's white.
DP: AAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!! Fine! The new category is "WRITE A WORD." Write anything, and you win. This is NOT hard.
Music plays
DP: Time's up. Let's see... BradRock... has choked on Angelman's vomit and passed out... SIGH... Angelman wrote... nothing?!
Angelman: Yeah, uh, I kinda, ate my pen. That's why I threw up.
DP: Amazing... MK wrote... no, he drew, ok, we can't show the middle finger on TV!
MK: SHOW THIS! *Grabs crotch*
DP: Sigh... and finally, Man5iac wrote... dear lord! Man5iac wrote the entire novel of War and Peace! SWEET JESUS! HE WINS! *Copy of War and Piece drops out of podium*
Man5iac: ...
DP: He wrote... nothing. SIGH, that's all the time we have, I'm going to go home and overdose on sleeping pills. God help us all.
Music plays, camera fades
---
MadKatt is the coolest of all!
My name is Dead Pig VII, I have been banned 27 times, AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT! |
This is Episode II
|
Episode #2!!!
Jeopardy Theme plays
DP: Hello, and welcome back to RI Jeopardy. I thought one of these was enough, but no, you demonic little bastards, can I say bastards? I can't say bastards? Wow, my mistake. Sorry about that guys. I'm such an f-
We are experiencing Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By...
*Show comes back on*
Jeopardy Theme plays
DP: Hello again, and welcome back to RI Jeopardy. I thought one was enough, but no, you... sick twisted souls enjoyed seeing me tormented so much, that those network bast- err... people... made me do another one. Well, I'd like to remind our contestants again that while some people find "Dead Baby Jokes" funny, they are not appropriate for Television. That having been said, let's take a look at the scores. In last place, you loved him so much last time, we ACTUALLY put him on the show this time, is BradRock.
Brad: BOOYEAH! Uh, thanks DP. It's great to be here. And while I may have -$22,500, I just wanna say thanks for the great opportunity. It's great that my podium isn't made of cardboard, cuz this one won't fall apart when I burst my lo-
DP: MOVING ON... We have uh, we have, I'm sorry, but who the hell are you? I forgot.
VSM: Veryslightlymad! GOD! Why doesn't anyone remember me!?
DP: Well, I can't remember his name, but he's in second.
VSM: I've gotten every answer right, but you never acknowledge me when I buzz in!
DP: Did someone say something? Oh well. And last but not least, Ashton Precis SO2 is in first place with an astonishing $12.
Ashton: Hey, I'm doing it all for charity. It helps kids all across America. This is going to a great foundation known as D.A.R.E.
DP: The drug education for children? That's very kind?
Ashton: What the hell are you talking about? It's the Delightful Anal Rapists Exhibition. Kids and adults are all welcome.
DP: O_O
Brad: I founded that!
Ashton: No way!
Brad: BOOYEAH! *Slaps Ashton 5*
Ashton: I'm a card carrying member! *Flashes card*
Brad: Who's the third contestant?
VSM: I AM!
Ashton: Since when does Jeopardy have 2 contestants?
Brad: Oh well, more money for my wonderful organization! BOOYEAH!
Ashton: Maybe someone called in sick.
VSM: Grrrr....
DP: You two make me sick.
Ashton: You're welcome.
Brad: Will you give me oral pleasure?
DP: BradRock, I hate you.
Brad: You know just how to turn me own! ROWR!
DP: Someone kill me. Let's see the categories. They are: "Potent Potables," "Colors that rhyme with 'Murple'," "Letters that begin the alphabet," "Farm Animals," "Things that you should not run with," "Lubricated Anacondas," and I don't even have a CLUE what that's about. Ashton, sadly, you're in first, so why don't you start us off?
Ashton: I'll take Letters that begin the alphabet for... 3 grams of cocaine.
DP: O_O WHAT!?
Ashton: Huh?
DP: We don't play for cocaine!!
Ashton: What? Oh boy, the charity will be pissed about that. Boy, this sucks. Uh, you got heroin?
DP: NO!
Ashton: Well I'm screwed.
DP: For $400... the answer is "This letter begins the alphabet."
VSM: *Buzzes in* What is "A?"
Brad: *Buzzes in* What is "Pleasuring yourself with a broom handle and mayonnaise?"
DP: DEAR LORD! NO! NO! BradRock, I hate you!
VSM: *Buzz* What is "A?!?!"
Ashton: *Buzz* What is... umm... oh boy, do you even have like, marijuana?
DP: NO! NO! NO! Well, no one knows. The answer was of course "What is 'a'?" Ashton, pick again.
Ashton: I'll take... "LSD side effects" for $200 worth of PCP and shrooms.
DP: WE DO NOT HAVE DRUGS!
Ashton: Ohhh... I get it... You "don't have drugs..." *Wink* I gotcha... you're talkin' in code. Smart guy...
DP: Brad, why don't YOU pick?
---
MadKatt is the coolest of all!
My name is Dead Pig VII, I have been banned 27 times, AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT! |
| From: Dead PigVII | Posted: 4/2/2002 11:23:56 PM | Message Detail
| Brad: BOOYEAH! I'll take "Lubrication and Condoms" for 8 cheap hookers!
DP: Sweet Jesus! That's "Lubricated Anacondas!"
Ashton: I lubricate MY anaconda on a nightly bas-
DP: THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT! Oh, how about that one guy in second place chooses?!
Ashton: Who?
Brad: *Checks under podium* Mr. Happy-doo doesn't wanna come out right now.
DP: O_O I didn't mean him!
VSM: I'll take-
Brad: Ok, you convinced him. *Unzips pants*
DP: DEAR GOD! NO! NO! Security!
Brad: Yes? *Shows badge*
DP: Stop that now!
Brad: Nag.
VSM: I'll take "Colors that rhyme with 'Murple'" for $1000.
DP: Who said that? Oh well.
VSM: -_-
DP: The answer is "This color rhymes with 'Murple'!"
Brad: What is... bean dip?
DP: No, sadly, Bean Dip is not a color, nor does it rhyme with "Murple."
Brad: Oh well. *Eats Bean Dip from his pocket*
VSM: *Buzz* What is "Purple?"
Ashton: *Buzz* OK, I figured out your little code...
DP: Code?
Ashton: What is... "My squeegee got lost at the supermarket when looking for some... 'ACIDic' pop tarts...?"
DP: Sigh... there is no code, no acid, or any other form of drugs.
Ashton: 7:00? Under the bridge downtown? Gotcha...
DP: Yeah, sure. Why not? Be there. Well, since no one knows, and I'm beginning to feel like smashing my head through the-
Ashton: So wait, should I bring the full 200, or pay you next time I'm on the show?
DP: There won't BE a next time...
Ashton: Hmmmmm... 50-50 it is.
DP: SIGH... let's move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is... Oh wonderful, "Carcinogenic minerals mined in the Northren Yukon." Just great. *Rips up card* The category is "Who are you?" Just write, who you are, and you win. God help you, if you mess this up.
Music plays, time expires
DP: Now let's watch God help you. BradRock... you've glued a picture of Pat Sajak to your podium, and written the words "Thexy Thailor" all over it.
Brad: And that's not all. *Points down*
DP: O_O And you've taped a picture of Natalie Portman with the mouth cut out down towards the bottom...
Brad: That's supposed to be where my-
DP: I KNOW! Have I told you I hate you?
Brad: I looooove you!
DP: Moving on, this... guy...
VSM: It's VSM.
DP: Yes, well, TDX wrote "Veryslightlymad." Well, I don't know your name, so, that's wrong.
VSM: *Pulls out revolver and begins loading it*
DP: Moving on... Ashton, you drew...
Ashton: Yep.
DP: This is a picture of me under a bridge, in a trenchcoat, handing you a bag of- OK! You don't get it! THERE ARE NO DRUGS!!!!
Ashton: What?
DP: NO DRUGS!
Ashton: You serious?
DP: YES!
Ashton: Well holy crap, say somethin' next time! Now what am I gonna tell the charity?
Brad: Make up an excuse!
Ashton: Oh yeah! Uh, hey Brad, about the drugs...
Brad: Yep? You got them?
Ashton: Not exactly, you see, uh, Angelman ran in and stole them yelling out "G-HETT-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Then he ran off.
Brad: Well I'll be damned. Really?
Ashton: Yep.
Brad: Well, that's not your fault. I understand.
DP: You are the stupidest people alive...
VSM: *Points gun at DP*
DP: Well, that's all the time we have for RI Jeopardy. I'm Dead Pig VII, and I think I'm going to go home and cry until next Thursday. Good night. *Walks off as show finishes, feeling like he forgot something*
---
MadKatt is the coolest of all!
My name is Dead Pig VII, I have been banned 27 times, AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT! |
This is Episode III
|
| From: Dead PigVII | Posted: 4/11/2002 11:03:29 PM | Message Detail
| Jeopardy Theme Plays
Dead Pig: Hello everyone, and welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Apparently God hates me, because as you can see, I stand here before you, hosting yet another one of these horrific events that people try to pass as entertainment. So before I spin off into a depressed rant on why Karma is biting me in the ass for my reckless teen years, let's just meet our contestants. For once, BradRock, is not on the show, though he seems to enjoy interrupting from time to time. Ignore him when he does so. Let's begin. In last place, with a whopping -$14,200 is none other than Jayke15, who seems to think he's a wrestler, and is spouting off random catchphrases...
Jayke: *Bobbles head* Hey! You're lookin' at the real deal now! I'm gonna kick yer sorry ass out on the street! Now can you dig that!?
DP: Um, sure, I'll "dig it..." Next is Charlie978, who appears to simply be the stupidest person on the planet...
Charlie: Well, I think I really just need to get going DP. I may not have been doing well before, but as a wise man once said, "You have nothing to fear, but fear itself." Thank you, Eric Clapton.
DP: Eric Clapton didn't say that... and what does that have to do with anything?
Charlie: Well DP, I believe it was Aristotle who said, "If you can't beat em, whack off. At least then you're beating SOMEHTING."
DP: I don't think ANYONE has said that...
BradRock: *Drops from the ceiling* BOOYEAH! I SAID THAT!
DP: I should've known... moving on...
Brad: In fact, I think I'll do it now! *Undoes his belt*
DP: NOOOOOOO!!
Jayke: WHATCHA GONNA DO... WHEN JAYKE-A-MANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU BRADROCK!?!?! *Runs at Brad*
Brad: OH! You big sexy stud! Come GET ME!
Jayke: *Clotheslines Brad off the stage* WHOOOOOO! *Beats chest*
DP: I never thought I would say this, but THANK GOD FOR JAYKE. Lastly, in first place, with an astonishing 47 cents-How the HECK did you get 47 cents Highway Monkey?
HM: I found it on the ground.
DP: Splendid.
HM: *Holds up a quarter* This one is my friend.
DP: How nice for you... Now let's see the categories. They are: "Cartoon Characters," "Things found in your mouth," "Aaron Cater's Greatest Hits," the answer to all of those is obviuosly... NONE-
Brad: *Crawls back on stage* Booyeah! I resent that! Aaron's my home dawg! In fact, I think I'm gonna bring him to the set so we can all be chillin' like villains!
DP: Sigh... Jayke, Brad just told me before the show thathe could mop the floor with your scrawny-
Jayke: What?
DP: I said Brad said-
Jayke: What?
DP: He said-
Jayke: What? Brad said what?
DP: He said that he could-
Jayke: What? Brad thinks he can kick my ass? What? He thinks he can beat me? What? He thinks he can smoke me, own me, kick my ass, beat me to a pulp, clean my clock, annihilate me, what? He's a jackass! *Runs at Brad and powerbombs him through DP's podium*
DP: O_O
Brad: *Leaps back up* Thank GOD for Spaghettio's with CALCIUM! I eat em every day, and look at me now! *Runs head first into a wall, and then walks to backstage, unharmed*
DP: Great... moving on, we also have "You're in over your head," "Poisonous, or not?," and lastly "Wresting History." Jayke, you get to go first, and MIGHT I suggest that you pick our last category...
Jayke: Well now Jayke says THIS Dead Pig, Jayke isn't gonna be told what to do! Jayke's gonna do not what he wants, but what the PEOPLE want, because, he IS the People's Contestant. Jayke chooses "Things found in your motuh" for 8,000,000!
DP: How about for 400, and the answer is... "These white structures used to chew food are found in your mouth!"
Charlie: *Buzzes in* What are feet?
DP: No...
Charlie: Look here, the answer is feet. Are you retarded?
DP: The answer, rest assured, is NOT "feet."
Charlie: Oh yeah smart guy?! Then YOU tell me what it is!
DP: I can't do that!
Charlie: I thought so. I'll take Cartoon Characters for $5. |
| From: Dead PigVII | Posted: 4/11/2002 11:04:30 PM | Message Detail
| DP: YOU'RE WRONG CHARLIE!
Highway Monkey: *Buzzes in* What are "White structures in your mouth for chewing food?"
DP: SIGH... wrong...
HM: No, it says so on the board. I'm right.
Charlie: He's got a point.
DP: THAT IS INCORRECT!
Jayke: *Throws one of his boots at DP*
DP: OW! DEAR GOD! What the hell was THAT for?!
Jayke: BUZZERS ARE FOR SISSIES! What is "The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be?"
DP: No, that's wrong...
Jayke: WHOO! You're damn right! WHOO! Because, WHOO, the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be, IS STANDIN' HERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YA! WHOOOOO!!
DP: Jayke is apparently a combination of Bret Hart and Ric Flair... SIGH... the answer was, of course, "Teeth."
HM: *Buzzes in* That's what I said DP.
DP: No, you said "White structures in your mouth for chewing food.
HM: And aren't those teeth?!
DP: Well, yes, but...
HM: There we go! Score on for the Monkey! I'll take...
Brad: *Bursts on to the stage with Aaron Carter*
Aaron: BOOYEAH! Take "Urine Over MAH HEAD!" for 80,000!!
DP: THAT'S "YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD!"
Jayke: YOU'RE ALL IN OVER YOUR HEADS! WAAAARRRRGGGH! I'M IN THE ZONE! *Runs up to Aaron Carter and piledrives him, breaking his neck* BRADROCK! YOU'RE NEXT!
Brad: You killed my main man home dawggy dawg! Oh man... *Lights a candle* Sniff... I'll never get over this... *Looks at porn*
Jayke: *Picks Brad up and DDTs him onto the lit candle*
Brad: *Gets up with a hole in his forehead* Aaron would've wanted it this way... *Sniff* *Walks off singing "Aaron's Party"*
DP: Dear God... someone choose. Anyone, I don't care who.
Charlie: I'll take wrestling history for 1000!
DP: Very good! Jayke, listen up here. And the answer is, "Name one wrestler in the WWF."
Charlie: *Buzzes in* Who is Eric Clapton? Thankyouverymuch, I'll take Wrestling History for the block.
DP: Um, that's wrong, and this is Jeopardy... NOT Hollywood Squares.
Charlie: Well, shows what you know. Look at all the squares on that whole board behind you.
DP: SIGH...
HM: *Buzzes in* Who is uh... um.... uh.... HEY! A nickel! *Grabs the nickel* I win.
DP: Highway Monkey, did you come here with any money?
HM: Yeah, forty seven cents. HEY! A quarter! *Puts it in his pocket* ...HEY! Another one! *Puts it in his pocket* HEY! Another one! *Puts it in his pocket*
DP: Do you by chance have a hole in your pocket HM...?
HM: Huh, so I do!!! What's your point? HEY! Another quarter! I'm gonna be RICH! ANOTHER ONE! WHOA!
---
My name is Dead Pig VII, I have been banned 27 times, AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT!
MAVEN WILL RULE THE WWF WITH AN IRON FIST! |
| From: Dead PigVII | Posted: 4/11/2002 11:04:47 PM | Message Detail
| DP: SIGH... Jayke, you MIGHT wanna buzz in for this one.
Jayke: Why? I don't watch wrestling.
DP: O_O AUUUUGGGGHHHH! Screw this! Final Jeopardy! Right now! The category is... Sweet Mother, these writers clearly think we're dealing with people who have IQs in double digits...
Charlie: I swallowed my ear.
DP: *Looks over at Charlie to see he only has one ear* WHAT IN THE HELL!?!
Charlie: It happens all the time. No worries.
DP: It most certainly does NOT happen all the time! You only have two!
Charlie: Speak up, I can't hear you.
HM: What's the category? HEY! A quarter! And a dime! And a nickel! And 2 pennies! Wow...
DP: ENOUGH!
Charlie: *Buzzes in* Who is Eric Clapton?
DP: ENOUGH WITH ERIC CLAPTON! WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH HIM!?
Charlie: I'm a big fan of his work.
DP: Are you? Well, the old category was "Genes used in genetically engineering vegetables..." Marvelous. *Chews card up and swallows it* And the new category, "Famous musicians!" And the answer is, "This legendary guitarist had songs such as "Mustang Sally," "Tears in Heaven," and "Wonderful Tonight." His name rhymes with "Derek Flapton..."
Music Plays
DP: Time's up... let's see what Highway Monkey put. Your answer... you added up... all the money, you've found...
HM: $17,503.47!!
DP: Brilliant. And your wager... "Cracker Jacks..."
HM: You need some cracker jack vendors here. HEY! A nickel!
DP: Sigh.... CHARLIE!! Let's wee what you put! You have... WHAT?!?! WHO IS AARON CARTER?!?!?
Charlie: Is that wrong or something?
DP: What about Eric Clapton!?
Charlie: He's a great tennis player.
DP: AAAAA! And your wager... "Eric Clapton ownZ j00..." AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!! Jayke has... Jayke has... it's hard to read... it says... "Jayke, is a... jackass..."
Jayke: You didn't just say that... TELL ME... you did NOT just say that!
DP: O_O NO! NO! NO! I didn't!
Jayke: WAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! *Spears DP and drops him with the Vertebreaker throgh his podium* AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, CAUSE JAYKE SAID SO!
DP: *Out cold*
Brad: *Wanders out with no pants on* I'm BradRock, for Aaron Carter! Good fight, good night!
Jeopardy theme plays as Jayke pummels audience members, Brad fondles Charlie, and HM finds more wealth
---
My name is Dead Pig VII, I have been banned 27 times, AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT!
MAVEN WILL RULE THE WWF WITH AN IRON FIST! |
This is Episode IV
|
| From: Dead PigVII | Posted: 4/28/2002 9:06:24 PM | Message Detail
| EPISODE #4
Jeopardy Theme Plays
Dead Pig: SIGH... Welcome back to RI Jeopardy. As you can see, I grow more depressed by the second, and have lost my faith in humanity, as well as my will to live. If I died right now, I wouldn't care, because I would not be here, standing before these three God-Forsaken idiots. Speaking of those idiots, I'd like to remind them that no matter WHAT language you swear in, it is still unacceptable. With that said, let's just hurry up and get this over with. In last place, is Orange, who keeps coming on to me, the only good thing about this show.
Orange: Rowr! I love a man in charge DP!
DP: Heh heh... in second place, The Great Magus... who is ALSO coming on to me... this is not a good thing...
TGM: I'll give you a good thing you sexy stud! I'll take your ass to a whole new level of pleasure!
DP: O_O No... that's quite... alright...
TGM: Playin' hard to get! You'll succumb to me just like all the others!
DP: How many is that?
TGM: I lose count, but I got a way to remember.
DP: And what's that?
TGM: I have on for each herpe! Lemme just count quick! *Unzips fly*
DP: Good God almighty! No!
TGM: You'll see em later anyway...
Orange: Back off! He's mine! ^_~
DP: Heh... and in first place, Bob the Cow... who is apparently now... a hippie...
Bob: LIKE, MOO MAN... MOOOO! I'm not like other cows! I don't eat the grass! They're killin the planet man! THEY'RE KILLIN' IT!!!!! @_________@
DP: This is why weed is bad kids...
Bob: Nah man, it's your friend! It's mother Earth's gift to us... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAN! MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *Cough*
DP: Let's just get to the categories. They are: "Dances that rhyme with 'Soccer-Ana'," "Who Let the Dogs Out?" Oh God... I hope that doesn't catch on again.
Bob: Who DID let the dogs out?
Orange: I'll make DP bark like a dog...
DP: Heh heh... Anywho... we also have "The number after 1 and before 3," "Goat Cheese," "Anal Waffle," and "The SATs." Wait, Anal Waffle!? Oh Good Lord... we need some better writers...
MadKatt: *Jams his head through the board* Sorry DP.
DP: O_O
MK: I'll get working on it! *Tries to pull his head out from the board* Well I'll be damned!
DP: ....What......? Please God... no...
MK: I'm stuck!
DP: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!?!?! You know what, who cares? Let's just go. Orange, you choose. Orange? Where's Orange?
Orange: Down here *Pokes head out from below DP's podium*
DP: !!!! Good Lord Orange! Get back to your podium!
Orange: Awwww.... maybe later!
DP: Er... Magus, you can choose. Magus? Where's Magus?
TGM: Right here!
DP: *Turns around to see Magus cutting a hole in the back of his pants* GAH! Leave my pants alone!
Magus: Hehehehehe... I'll get you yet...
Bob: I'LL TAKE HALLUCINOGENIC SUBSTANCES FOR THE PLANET'S ETERNAL PEACE MAAAAAAAAAN!!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
DP: O_O Orange.... choose....
Orange: Goat Cheese for some piggish lovin' please...
DP: Heh... how about for 600?
TGM: That's all it costs!? SOLD! *Throws 600 dollars down his pants* COME AN GET IT!
DP: Dear Lord no! Now the answer is... "Goat cheese comes from this animal's milk"
Orange: *Buzz* How about givin' me some pig "milk...?"
DP: O_O Heh... well uh...
TGM: I want some too!
Orange: *Buzz* You can milk ME any time...
DP: Uh...
Bob: *Buzz* DON'T HATE, LOVE MAN! LOOOVE! WE SHALL OVERCOOOOOOOME, WE SHALL OVERCOOOOOOOME...
TGM: *Staring at DP* I'm gonna overcome right now I think...
DP: O_O THE ANSWER WAS "GOAT!" Now let's move on! Um... Magus, you choose...
TGM: I'll take MadKatt for 11.
MK: YES!
DP: MadKatt is NOT a category.
TGM: Dude, he's on the board.
---
My name is Dead Pig VII, I have been banned 27 times, AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT!
"Why make life into a contest, when it's just a game?"- VerySlightlyMad |
| From: Dead PigVII | Posted: 4/28/2002 9:07:10 PM | Message Detail
| Bob: Like, MOOOOO! He's got a point. *Walks up and sticks a flower in MK's nose*
MK: *Inhales it* The answer is... "This person has the best view of DP's ass!"
DP: O_O *Realizes MK is 3 inches from his ass*
Orange: WHO IS MADKATT?!
DP: Dear God! She's right! Who cares if she's not a category!? Give her some points!
BradRock: *Sticks his head out of DP's pants* BOOYEAH! She's wrong! The view down here's just fine!
DP: AUGH!
TGM: Why didn't I think of that?
Bob: Can I choose man? MOOOOOOO!!
DP: No, I hate you.
Bob: Spread the love man! It's all about peace! *Cough hack cough hack* Whoa...
DP: Magus, you pick again. Just because I hate Bob.
TGM: Shibby! He wants me! I'll take The STDs for 20,000! It's my specialty!
DP: THAT'S THE SATs! Good God! And we'll go 1,000. It's a daily double! The answer is-
TGM: What are Herpes and Crabs? It's a 2 for 1 deal that I call the "Magus Special!"
DP: Good God! No! That's it! Final Jeopardy! The category is... MadKatt...
MK: What is it chief?
DP: Your category...
MK: What about it?
DP: "Famous Philosophies on the Rotation of Jupiter's Irregular Orbit?!?!!"
MK: There a problem?
DP: *Gives MK several papercuts with the card* No, none. *Rips it up*
MK: OK, good! *Passes out from excessive blood loss*
DP: The new category is "You." Write down anything about you, and win. Any fact about you.
Music Plays
DP: Now let's see how you all screwed it up... Orange put.. O_O HOLY CRAP ON A STICK! I don't think we can show this uh... interesting drawing on TV but uh... your wager was... O__________O
Orange: I'll be in your dressing room babe. *Runs off... door shuts*
Voice from DP's dressing room: BOOYEAH! I LOVE YOU!
Orange: OH MY! Forget DP! *Sounds of enjoyment ensue*
DP: *** DAMMIT! Magus you answered... I'm "HIV Negative..."
TGM: I didn't wanna scare you with the truth... *Touches DP's arm*
DP: AUGH! I'm getting a rash! *Scratches arm*
TGM: It's only Syphilis.
DP: ON MY ARM!!?
TGM: I have an advanced case...
DP: AAAUUUGGGHHH! Bob you put... "Just say no to drugs."
Bob: Like, MOOOOOOOO MAN! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *GASP* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *GASP* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *Passes out giving the peace sign*
DP: Well, that's all the time we have for today, and thank God. I'm going to go have my arm amputated. Good Night.
DP runs off as Magus chases and Orange and Brad spill onto the stage, while MK secretly tapes it all to sell at jacked up prices
---
My name is Dead Pig VII, I have been banned 27 times, AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT!
"Why make life into a contest, when it's just a game?"- VerySlightlyMad |
This is Episode V
|
| From: Mr Mantastic | Posted: 6/22/2002 12:37:15 AM | Message Detail
| Jeopardy theme plays
Mr. Mantastic: Hello everyone and welcome back to RI Jeopardy. Now then, to remind everyone, yes, this show was hosted by Dead Pig VII, but... due to his unfortunate KOS, he will no longer be able to do the show. Therefore, over AIM, he asked me to carry on hosting the show for him, and I complied, to honor his wishes. That having been said, let's look at our contestants... who are basically the bane of my very existence on this planet. In an astonishing last place, with -$12,400 is none other than our Celebrity Guest Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Arnie: Hey, I'm a police officer.
MM: Right then, I forgot.
Arnie: I'm detective John Kimble!
MM: Right... moving on, in second place, Atomic Fishy, with -$700...
AF: Um... this Arnie is scaring me...
Arnie: I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions...
AF: Please don't sir...
Arnie: YOU LACK DISCIPLINE!
MM: And in first place, with zero, is Turk. Fortunately for Turk, he has yet to buzz in.
Turk: Man, you've sure got one hell of a bulge in your spandex there Mantastic, you look like you're smuggling Mexicans across the border.
MM's Crotch: They're on to me...
MM: (Quiet you...) Anyway, let's see the categories, they are... "Large Birds From Sesame Street," "Playground equipment," "Name the host of this show," "Floppy Sloppy Anal Cavity-" What the hell!?
AF: Ah, good ol' FSAC!
MM: Good ol' WHAT!?
AF: FSAC.
Turk: I heart FSAC.
Arnie: You lack discipline!
Turk: Eehhh **** off, I don't like discipline *****.
Arnie: I'm a cop you idiot!
Turk: Yeah, whatever.
MM: Moving on... "That Finally Wrecked Him" that topic is about the downfalls of celebrities because of horrible movies, and we may just wanna throw it out now, and lastly "Authors who's last name is Seuss." Arnie, you're in last place, you start us off.
Arnie: Remember... go straight to the pay phone and wait for my call...
MM: I... I beg yor pardon?
Arnie: Stop whining!
Turk: Hey, leave the guy alone jerkoff.
Arnie: Hey, I'm a police officer.
AF: I'd like to choose Large Birds From Sesame Street for 25 cents.
MM: Close enough. This famous BIG BIRD is a Sesame Street character.
Arnie: *Buzzes in* Who is your daddy... and WHAT does he do?
MM: Er... no...
Turk: WHAT? What kind of an answer is that? Idiot.
Arnie: I'm Detective John Kimble!
Turk: I know who the **** you are. Shut up.
AF: I have a few points I would like to make.
Arnie: I would like to talk to you about Thomas Aquinas!
AF: Um... please sir... don't... don't yell. I'm liable to wet myself. It's a chronic habit that I haven't been able to break since I was- Hey! Oh man...
MM: O_O On that note, the answer was of course "Big Bird..." Let's move on, shall we? Turk, you choose.
Turk: I'll take "That Fine Rectum" for 800.
MM: Dear God! That's "That Finally Wrecked Him!"
Turk: What? Your show sucks.
AF: I'd like to solve the puzzle.
MM: Solve the puzzle?! What?! This isn't...
Arnie: It doesn't make any sense... What's a preist doing shooting at the Wall Street Bank?
MM: What!?
---
Sissy men and nancy boys beware! The Mantastic Four is now on the scene! *Pelvic Thrust!* |
| From: Mr Mantastic | Posted: 6/22/2002 12:37:37 AM | Message Detail
| Turk: I should kick your ass Arnie.
Arnie: Oh, you want to **** with me?! You think you know bad?! You're a ****ing CHOIR BOY COMPARED TO ME! A CHOIR BOY!
Turk: Wow, a lot of talk about priests and choir boys from Arnie over here. That's uh... interesting.
Arnie: I'm a cop you idiot!
MM's crotch: *Cough cough*
MM: O_O
Turk: I knew it! What is that?!
Voice: Oh crap... the jig is up... *Ramahanzi crawls out of Mantastic's tights*
MM: Er... how did HE get in there... *Sweats nervously*
Ramahanzi: Yes, it is me! RRRRRRAMAHANZI! The newest Afghani Rap Sensation and tha Numba One Stunna! Ramahanzi in tha hoooouse! Ramahanzi break it down!
Arnie: I want you to lay low now.
Ramahanzi: You what?! You're one sick bastard.
BradRock: *Bursts onto stage* BOOYEAH! Ramahanzi is so sexy that I want him to put corn in my pooper! Come back to my grocery bag Ramahanzi!
Ramahanzi: How could I resist?! Peace outside! Ramahanzi breaks it doooooown! *Runs off*
MM: Dear God, 5 more minutes and I'll be digging into these cyanide pills, so let'd go to Final Jeopardy. The category is "Medical Research and Theories on the AIDS Vaccine..." Yeah, well that's just ****ing great. Whoever wrote that can suck my artificial third testicle.
Turk: 3 testicles? What the hell is WRONG with you?
AF: I have a few points I would like to make.
Arnie: Yoooouuuu son of a *****!
AF: O_O
MM: Enough! The new final category is Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. Write any of his movies, and you win.
Arnie: I've got to talk to the girl... find out what she knows...
MM: You REALLY shouldn't need help here...
Arnie: Well between your faith, and my glock 9mm, *Pulls out gun* I take my glock!
AF: Dear Mother! *Wets himself*
Turk: Now you've done it. Why am I even here? This sucks.
MM: Sigh... just begin the music.
Music plays
MM: Time is up... AF... you wrote... Fishy? Fishy?
AF: (MMM!! MMM!)
MM: *Checks under his podium to find him handcuffed and gagged* Arnie! Did you do this?!
Arnie: I've got news for you! You are MINE now! YOU BELONG TO ME!
MM: O_O I've had enough of you sir!
Arnie: Good morning.
MM: What?! Enough! STAND BACK EVERYONE! *Sends Arnie flying out of the studio with a Mega Massive Mantasticly Manly Pelvic THRUST!*
Turk: It's about ****ing time.
MM: *Looks at Arnie's screen* Huh, he wrote "Kindergarten Cop..." He would've won...
Turk: Big deal.
MM: I don't like your attitude Mister! You're acting like a child!
Turk: I have stretchy pants.
MM: I give up. I give up. That's all for RI Jeopardy, Dead Pig, I feel your pain... And to think you did four of these. I'm going home to hang myself I think. Good night folks.
AF: *Spits out his gag* Happy end! And wait! I still have a few points I would like to-
Show goes off the air
---
Sissy men and nancy boys beware! The Mantastic Four is now on the scene! *Pelvic Thrust!* |
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