Marcus told Delvin as much as he could about
his friendship with Tonya before Janet came out to dine with them. When Marcus
left he could not get Delvin’s words out of his mind. He especially was struck
by Delvin’s anger. He guessed Delvin’s reaction was no different than his would
be if he thought a man was courting his wife under the guise of being a friend.
Delvin had given him a lot to think about. He had stirred a bit of guilt in him
that Marcus had been trying to avoid. He had mentally picture his emotions as
being not quite pristine, but far from being dark and malign. Delvin had forced
Marcus to view his feelings from Ryan’s perspective and he was sure Ryan would
not be appreciative of his good intentions. The true that Tonya was married was
staring Marcus in the eyes without blinking. Marcus could feel himself falling
from the heights he had placed himself because he made Tonya happy. Shame was
collecting about his neck and, like a millstone, was weighing him down; pushing
him towards a dark abyss.
He felt damaged. The peace he felt with
Tonya had been injured. Marcus thought that he had all the bases cover and that
the friendship he shared with Tonya was protected. He believed he had created
the perfect place for them to be free to share their feelings. It was
controllable and nothing presented any danger to it. So he thought. Delvin had
shown that the relationship he shared with Tonya as still vulnerable to one
thing – the truth. The truth, like some guided missile, had struck at the
weakest place in Marcus’ heart; that place that Marcus tried to disguise with a
veneer that was mix of confidence and indifference. He had been determined not
to let it bother him, but it was a reality he could only pretend to ignore. He
was the pastor of
Marcus sat in his office at home staring at
his computer screen. He clicked on his email icon and sat for fifteen minutes
more. He wanted to talk to Tonya, but he didn’t know what to say. He just felt
that if he could somehow touch her; reach out to her somehow, things would
again make sense. He thought about her; envisioning her smile and the look in
her eyes. He remembered the last time he looked into them. He felt them reach into him and draw out that
part he had not given anyone. In her eyes he saw the longing he felt himself.
He closed his eyes and felt weight fall away. He placed his fingers on the
keyboard and a door to his heart swung open. He listened to his heart as it
began to dictate. Somewhere deep in his mind music played and Marcus began
writing the lyrics.
Far away in another galaxy
There a whole other me
Who does something I could
never do
He wakes each morning laying
next to you
He says he so glad that he’s
next to you
But here I awake to more
dreams
And fantasize about all I
would do
I know that I would be full of
pride
The man I would be with you by
my side
The great love I’d have with
you by my side
In this world all I can do is
want you
Tell you each day
In this world all I can do is
love you
And pray that you hear it in
the words I say
In another universe, another
place and time
There’s another me who’s glad
to call you mine.
He spends his day pleasing you
To see you smile there’s
nothing that he wouldn’t do
For you, his precious love,
there’s nothing he wouldn’t do
But here I am with this love
in my heart
Wishing I could just give you
only a part
Hoping that somehow I can make
you see
That even in this world love’s
a reality
Yes, even in this world my
love’s a reality
In this world all I can do is
want you
Tell you each day
In this world all I can do is
love you
And pray that you hear it in
the words I say
Dear Tonya,
I pray that you are doing fine
when you read this. I was thinking about you and decided to write you.
Actually, I needed to write you. Even though there is distance between us,
somehow expressing myself transforms the miles into vapor and mist until
somewhere there is nothing between us. Since we became close friends, I have
found out so much about me. I’ve always imagined that I love a person with
everything that I am, but the reality of loving you exceeds anything I dream
of. You cannot imagine how much you mean to me.
Tonya, anyone either of us
were to ask for advice about our friendship would say that we should let it go;
that it is something we should get into. I would not be impressed by anyone who
said that. That is an easy answer. It doesn’t require any genius. But there are
some things that I could use an answer to. Perhaps someone both intelligent and
generous will give these answers as a gift.
For instance, I know that the
sun rises in the east because of the rotation of the earth, but why does my
heart only rise when I’m near you? Is there some force at work; some law of
physics that determines that your presence breaks the chains of emptiness and
allows my heart to soar? I know that the moon causes the tide to ebb and flow,
but what is it about your voice that causes an ocean of peace to cascade over
me? Is there some law of nature, some instinct that explains why your laughter
tames me? Why does it transport me to a place of tranquility?
I must tell you I don’t know.
Or should I say, all I do know is that I love you. Maybe that’s reason enough
for everything. I know its reason enough for me to think about you each
morning; wonder about you each day; and dream about you every night. It is
enough to compel me; drive me to you all that I can. Loving you feels so good.
Tonya, I want you to know that
sometimes I wonder what this relationship must look like from your perspective.
You once said that you feel the same as I do. Does that mean that you sometimes
want to hear my voice so bad you don’t know what to do? Does that mean that you
sometimes debate with yourself whether you should call or write? Does that mean
that you wrestle with what you want to do and what you believe you should do?
Does that mean you really love me too?
You are everything I dreamed
of loving.
Marcus
Marcus felt better now. The truth had not
changed, but now he felt insulated again. He sent the email and as he got up
from his desk, the thought how simple it really was. All he had ever wanted was
to be able to share the love he had for some one. He told himself that what
really mattered was he loved her and she loved him. Marcus knew that he was
doing more than consoling himself. He remembered the longing and the searching
that used to be constant. How could he go back to that emptiness; that
incompleteness; that pain. Sure, he could have walked away, but to where?
Tonya had hoped that she would grow to love
her job, but events were encouraging her to do otherwise. The economics of
fundraising was as temperamental as it was fickle. She had never imagined
non-profit would equate to work your butt off for nothing. The job was becoming
more stressful. It didn’t help that this coincided with Ryan spending less time
at home. In
“Marcus,
I know how you feel for me and I know you wish things could be different. The
situation, well, it is what it is. I can’t answer your questions. If you need
those answers, maybe you need someone else.”
Marcus was away from home and the church
much of the day without access to email. It was mid-afternoon when he finally
read Tonya’s reply. He was stunned. What had he said, he wondered, to get this
reaction from her. He quickly responded
“What
are you talking about? What did I say wrong?”
“It
seems you want things I can’t give you. I can’t say the things you want.”
“What?
I just wrote you an email expressing how I feel.”
“I
never asked you to tell me how you feel. I am fine with our friendship without
it, but it seems you want more.”
“More
than what? I haven’t asked you for anything. I just tried to share what I feel
with you. And I’ve accepted what you can and cannot give, which incidentally is
more of what you can’t.”
Tonya knew that Marcus really hadn’t done
anything. Still, she desperately needed to control something. She was living in
a place that she really didn’t have a choice about; doing a job that for which
she made no choices; and involved in a friendship that often no choices. No
choices, no control.
“I
guess that’s not good enough for you?”
“What
are you talking about?”
“You
don’t understand my perspective.” Marcus decided to give her
what he wanted when he felt close to the end.
“Tonya,
I love you.”
“I
didn’t ask you to say that.”
“I
love you.”
“You
can’t pressure me into saying it.”
“I
love you.”
“You
don’t…”
“Now,
that’s three free ‘I love you’s. I understand your perspective. I can only
imagine how you must feel. I know you care for me and that makes a difference
in my life. You seem frustrated and that’s okay. Everyone gets to be frustrated
sometime. So, while you’re frustrated, hold those three free ‘I love you’s close
and at the end you can trade them in for nice parting gifts (smile).”
“You’re
so crazy”
“I
know, but it’s not my fault”
“It’s
not.”
“No,
the fault lies, let’s see. There was the baseball that hit me in the head. That
may have something to do with it.”
“I
bet it does. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t
worry about it. We can talk about it later. I have to get to the church. Chat
later.”
“Okay”
As he left home, Marcus still wondered what
had caused Tonya to react as she had. He was sure her reaction was triggered by
something other than what he had written, yet he felt a bit concerned because
of what she had said. Maybe something had triggered her to say how she really
felt. As he thought about it, he recognized that she was right. She hadn’t
asked him to tell her how he felt. He had done that on his own accord, but he
thought she welcomed his expressions. She never told him not to. Marcus thought
about the fact that he had accepted their friendship even though it was out of
balance. He knew that he was the driving force that kept it going. He hoped
that Tonya appreciated him and that it was his feelings that characterized
their friendship. It wasn’t that he doubted Tonya’s emotions, but it was his
emotions that lay bare and his emotions that orchestrated the intimacy they
shared. He wondered what the friendship would be like if he didn’t share his
feelings. Would they still be close as nothing more than friends, not special
friends? He recalled that he had once made a comment that suggested Tonya was
just one of the boys like any other friend. She quickly asked if that was all
she was to him, suggesting that she was more than that. Marcus also felt that
Tonya could not distance herself from the emotional tone of their friendship.
She may not say how she felt, but it was her phone call that started it all.
Besides, she could have stopped calling or emailing anytime she wanted to. She
had to admit she liked what was going on and what kind of man would he be if he
didn’t give her what she liked? Marcus thought to himself that something else
was definitely going on.
Marcus rushed to the church. He had a
meeting with Jason Roberts, who was one of the members of Marcus now thought of
as BPB - the Back Pew Boys. Jason was standing outside the door to Marcus’
study. His head was down and his shoulders slumped as if he was a lifeless
puppet. Marcus was surprised the rest of the gang wasn’t with him.
“How are you doing, Jason?”
“Fine. How are you, Pastor?”
“Jason, I’m doing pretty good. Come on in
and let’s see what’s on your mind.”
Jason walked through the door and Marcus
noticed that he wasn’t a small boy. He wasn’t really tall for a fifteen year
old, but his build was full and muscular.
“Are you playing football this year, Jason?”
“No sir.”
“You look like you might make a good linebacker.
Are you mean? Let me hear you growl.” Jason burst into laughter.
“Okay, my man. What’s on your mind?”
Jason started sheepishly.
“What if you do something wrong and you know
you shouldn’t do it, but then, well, you can’t undo it? Will go still forgive you?”
“Jason, I surely hope so, because I
definitely have do things I can’t undo. Forgiveness has nothing to do with undo
our wrongdoings.”
“Well, you know, see, I did something I
really didn’t want to do because I thought it was wrong. But I did it anyway
and they won’t let me undo it. Is it a sin if I don’t undo it?”
“Well, Jason, I think we have an obligation
to do good and to do the right thing. When we don’t it is a sin. Is it
something that you can undo?”
“I can undo it, but something bad might
happen if I do. So, I don’t know if I should do it or not. Should I do it if
something bad can happen?”
“Jason without knowing what it is you did,
how you might undo it, or the bad that may happen if you undo it, it is hard
for me to say. I guess I have to still say that you do what is right. So you
believe that undoing it is the right thing to do?”
Jason was sat quietly.
“Yes. It is the right thing to do.”
“Jason, how can I help you? I want to help.”
“Pastor, I have to talk to somebody first.
Then you can help me do the right thing. You won’t tell anybody what I did,
will you?”
“Jason, everything we talk about stays
between you and me. “
“Thanks, Pastor
“Okay, Jason. Just remember I’m here
whenever you need me. Can we pray together before you leave?”
“Yes sir.”
Marcus stood up and took the young man by
the hand. When he finished, he patted him on his shoulder and assured him that
everything would be fine. It seemed as though life had returned to Jason. His
shoulders no longer slumped and he had the energy you would expect in a fifteen
year old. Marcus was revitalized also. He was energized and ready to take on
what was next. He told himself that this was what pastoring was all about. –
helping people find their way. He was also excited that a young man like Jason
was so interested in doing what is right. He didn’t have any idea what Jason
had done, but he felt that it could not have been too bad if it was something
he could undo. He was still a bit surprised that the whole BGB gang had not
should up. Maybe that meant that they were not in on it or that Jason didn’t
want them to know. He thought that maybe one of the other boys would visit him
next. Marcus decided he would keep an eye on all of them when ever he could.