When he got home Sunday night, Ryan was glad to see his wife. This trip was his first time being away from her since they moved to Chicago. He was concerned because in North Carolina she had always had her family to keep her company anytime he went out of town. He held her a little longer when he walked in the door.

“Wow, somebody really missed me.” Tonya said in response to his extended hug.

“Baby, I did.”

“I missed you, too.” Tonya smiled.

Ryan looked at Tonya and noticed something he had been noticing for weeks. She seemed different.

“Baby, something is different about you.”

“What?” Tonya responded worriedly.

“You’ve changed a bit. I can’t put my finger on it, but you’re a little different now.”

“Ryan, what are you talking about?”

“Oh, I don’t mean in a bad way. It’s good. I like it. You seem fuller of life. You smile and laugh more.”

“I’ve always laughed and smile.”

“Baby, you can’t fool me. I know what is going on. And if you admit it, it will be okay. I know what brought out this new you.”

“Ryan, I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You can’t hide it. I know. It’s the move to Chicago. Coming here has been got for us, but it has been really good for you. I told you this would be great. You’re glad we moved, aren’t you?”

“You know what? In all honesty, I am glad we moved here and are not in Raleigh.”

Honestly, Tonya was glad she wasn’t in Raleigh. She could only imagine the temptation Marcus would be if they were in the same place. She had indulged herself in their friendship because she felt safe being so far from him. She wasn’t sure they could handle the opportunities being in the same city would offer. Being distant from Marcus was safe and controllable. She didn’t want to loose Ryan because of an indiscretion. In fact, Tonya thought, she didn’t want to loose Ryan for any reason. Her friendship with Marcus had not diminished her love and desire for Ryan. She was still glad she had married him. She had come to realized that she didn’t love Marcus instead of Ryan. She loved him addition to loving Ryan. Her love for Ryan was different, but no less real. The life they had shared for the last twelve years had shaped her.  The up and downs were a part of who Tonya was now and she didn’t want to be anyone else. Maybe in another reality she was someone else, someone married to a man named Marcus Austin.  She wondered if that Tonya was as happy spending time with Marcus as she was. Or perhaps the Marcus in another reality was also different; a Marcus she wouldn’t love like she loved the Marcus in this reality.

It occurred to Tonya that she was admitting to loving Marcus. She loved him. She had not allowed herself to think that, but in evaluating her feelings for Ryan she had admitted to loving Marcus. She realized that it wasn’t the emotions she was avoiding. It was the word. She was trying not to think of the word. It was as if not thinking the word was her last bit of emotional control. Of course, she could not say the word. She could never tell Marcus that she loved him. That was off limits.  It was her duty to reserve “I love you” for her husband. While she questioned what lines she and Marcus had crossed, she wanted those words to remain exclusive when she said them to Ryan.

Another thought crossed Tonya’s mind. She had Ryan. Who did Marcus have? She had not asked him, but she was pretty sure Marcus wasn’t seeing anyone. She had him all to herself. At first this thought made Tonya very happy. She had to admit that the thought of Marcus giving someone else the attention and affection he was giving her made her feel jealous. Suddenly her feelings about Marcus seeing someone seemed selfish. Marcus had not said or implied one negative about Ryan or her marriage. In fact, she thought, Marcus had been more than courteous under the circumstances and seemed interested in preserving her marriage and home life. The thought that perhaps Marcus didn’t care for her as much as he claimed crept into her mind. How could he love me so much and never say anything about what I give Ryan, she questioned. For a moment Tonya felt that she was somehow being cheated because Marcus didn’t complain or show any concern. How dare he say he loved her if he didn’t care what she did with another man? The Tonya began to wonder whether Marcus’ attitude towards her marriage a fault. What was wrong with the way he loved her in spite of the boundaries and limitations. Marcus was unselfish. He cared for her in a way hadn’t known from any other man. Tonya concluded that she was selfish. Not only was she selfish, but she also concluded that Marcus deserved more than she could give him. She reasoned that he needed someone who could tell him how much they loved him and could give him the things that she could not. Finally, she concluded that the best way for her to show Marcus how much she loved him was to tell him he needed someone else.

Tonya came out of her trace and noticed Ryan staring at her.

“Are you alright? I’ve watched you for two minutes and you’ve smiled and frowned. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I was thinking about what you said about coming to Chicago. You’re right. It has been good.” Tonya thought to herself “Too good.”

Monday Tonya responded to Marcus’ morning greeting with

“Good morning, Marcus. I want to ask you something.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Don’t you think I’m in the way of you finding someone who can give what you want? Someone free?”

“So after one date, you’re ready to kick me to the curb?”

“No, that is not it and I’m being serious. You put so much effort into our friendship you may be missing the real thing right there with you.”

When Marcus read Tonya’s email, he decided the best thing to do was to go on with his Monday routine. He didn’t want to respond to her email then. He was afraid of what he might write. The real thing? What did she know about the real thing, he questioned. How could she suggest what she was suggesting? Later that afternoon, Marcus responded.

“The real thing, huh? I guess what we have been sharing the last few weeks hasn’t been real. I guess I should be appreciative of you joining me in this ridiculous fantasy.”

“Marcus, don’t take it like that.”

“Tonya, I know exactly how to take it.”

“”I think you’re taking it the wrong way and you’re upset.”

“I’m not upset. I feel foolish, but I’m not upset.”

“Foolish. Why?”

“Because of all the foolish things I’ve said and written to you.”

“Did you mean what you said?”

“What difference does it make since it wasn’t the real thing?”

“Did you mean what you said?”

“Yes, I meant what I said. Why do think I said it?”

“Then I must be foolish, too, because I feel the same way you do.”

“What? Tonya, do you understand how I feel about you? Be careful before you say you feel the same way.”

“Oh, you’ve made it very clear how you feel about me and I definitely understand. Marcus, I feel the same way about you. I just feel so selfish. There are things I want to give you; ways I want to make you feel; to please you, but I can’t. Yet, I take everything you give me. It doesn’t seem fair.”

“Tonya, do you give me everything that you can under our circumstances?”

“Oh, yes, Marcus. Yes, yes, yes!”

“And do you want to give me more; to give me what you believe I deserve?”

“Marcus, please know that I do. I really do. Yes.”

“Then, Tonya, everything is fine. You’re giving me what I want and need. I need for you to care about me; to be concerned for me. Sometimes it is not what you do, but what you have a desire to do if you could that counts. Giving me the knowledge that you love me like I love you is a wonderful gift and I’m thankful for that.”

“Marcus, I’m sorry for what I said. I just want you to be happy like you make me.”

“I am happy. I have what I want. Do you understand?”

“Yes. I understand”

“Now, let’s get back on track before I have to come to Chicago and spank you.”

“Promises. Promises.”

They burst out laughing; both at Tonya’s comments and as release of tension.

Tuesday Marcus got a call from Delvin. He had the day off and wanted to know Marcus was free to hang out. They made plans to get together late in the afternoon to barbeque and maybe shoot some hoops. Marcus arrived a little after 3 and Delvin already had he fire going. They threw on some steaks and Janet, Delvin’s wife, came out and inquired about the menu. Realizing they needed her help in preparing a meal that including something other than meat, she went back inside to prepare a side dish. Delvin challenged Marcus to a game of horse and Marcus reminded him who had the best jump shot. As Delvin took his first shot, he asked

“Did you ever find out if that girl, Tonya, was married?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, you found out or yeah, she’s married?”

“Yeah to both. Ironically, she and her husband were moving to Chicago at the same time I was moving back to Raleigh.”

“Too bad. Cause she’s fine.”

“True that, but she had a nice personality also. She’s easy to talk to. Deg, that’s an ‘h’.” Marcus missed a shot. He paused momentarily to think about Tonya. Delvin noticed.

“What do you mean she’s easy to talk to?”

“I don’t mean anything. Shoot the ball.”

“How would you know she’s easy to talk to? How did you find out she’s married?”

“I saw the ring on her finger. That’s how I know she’s married.”

“Yeah, but I’m getting the impression you did more than look at her finger. Mark, you aren’t messing with that girl, are you?”

“That girl? You make her sound like someone up to no good.”

“You are messing with that girl. Man, I can’t believe you. Are you crazy?”

“Take it easy. It is not like that. We’re just friends.”

“Oh, so you’re not messing with her. Does her husband know you two are friends?” Delvin was getting irritated. Instead of shooting the ball, he was doing little more than heaving the ball against the backboard.

“I don’t think she told her husband. We’re just friends. We talk every now and then.”

“Mark, do you talk to her everyday?”

“Not everyday. Some days I send her emails.”

“Emails, Mark! You’ve lost your mind. Why are you doing this? There are plenty of women out there who are not married. You have to mess with a married woman?”

“Hey, chill out. I told you I’m not messing with her.” Marcus notice Delvin’s irritated tone.

“You chill out. You’re the one TALKING to a married woman.”

“Delvin, you don’t understand. You know I’ve always had feelings for Tonya. We share something. It is not intended to hurt anyone. It is not intended to interfere with her life. It’s something special between us.”

“O, God. What the hell are you talking about? She’s married, Mark.”

“So.” Delvin threw the ball at Marcus.

“So? So? So you should stay away from her, you idiot. My wife is in the house. How do you think I would feel if she in there right now just talking to her special secret friend? I wouldn’t give a damn if they weren’t doing anything but talking. I wouldn’t want her to have a special friend. Especially you, Marcus. I know you with your silky words and your slick ways. I bet you don’t care about her. You’re just trying to see what you can get. Think about someone else. Think about her husband. A preacher messing with someone else’s wife. Ain’t that a trip”

Marcus dropped the ball. Delvin noticed a hurt look on his face. His eyes were watery.

“Ah, man.” Delvin said softly. “It’s like that?”

“Delvin, everything you said makes sense. I think about what I am doing. I haven’t touched her and, man, I don’t want to do anything like that. It’s just that being able to talk to her and share something with her makes me feel something I’ve never felt. It’s like I have something I’ve always been looking for. She makes me feel like I am finally who I am supposed to be.”

“But, Mark, where is this going to lead? If your feelings are that strong, what is going to happen?”

“I don’t know, Dee. I just know that I love her; not because I’m trying to get with her, but because of who she is. Dee, imagine Janet left you. Wouldn’t you still want to talk to her everyday?”

“Yes, but it’s not the same.”

“Yes, it is the same. Tonya and I have been connected forever and now we have the chance to communicate; to know each other. This is something I cherish and treasure. And it’s so special, I don’t want to give it up.”

“Marcus, even if what you say is true and what you feel is real, you have to realize that it is a no win situation. There is nowhere for it to go. What you two have may be special and you may enjoy it, but at the end of the day you’re still alone and she’s still married. That makes what ever treasure you two have found hollow. It’s made of precious things, but it is not solid. When you look at what you two share, you can see so much beauty in it, but it’s never going to be all that its appearance indicates it can be.”

“I don’t know what to say, Delvin. I just know that right now I want to enjoy whatever I can with her.”

“Be careful, Mark. Jealous husband can be bad for your health. Now tell me how all this got started. Man, I don’t now what to do with you.”