“Feel me
up, huh?
“Maybe I
should have, but things looked different to me back then.”
“Staying
away because of Big Stan was childish.”
“Tonya, I
was a child back then. When I was a
child I thought as a child.”
“So,
you’re a man now? You’ve but away your childish things?”
“Yeah, I
have manly things now.”
“So, had
you had the nerve, what would you have told me?”
“I was
going to say the same things I’ll tell you now, but I don’t think I had the
words to fully express myself the way I wanted to.”
“I didn’t
know you needed special words.”
“Ordinary
words sometimes don’t paint the picture with bright enough color. I need words that can tell you that the very
moment I see you is like the first raindrop of an impending storm on a hot
summer day. It shocks my senses and it
takes a moment for me move. Just one
drop; just one glance at you has me paralyzed in thoughts of more. Inside I am saying let this vision of beauty
rain down on me. Let it wash away every
care; every concern. Let me be soaked
from head to toe in your radiance; your grace; your peace.”
“Marcus,
you shouldn’t tease me like that.”
“I am not
teasing. When I see you, parts of me
that would otherwise sleep, are awaken.
I am satisfied by the sight you, yet each look makes me yearn to see you
more and more. When I look into your
eyes I can feel the world slow down. The
world stops and my momentum carry me to you.
Not the first time, not sometimes, but every time I see you.”
Tonya
didn’t know what to say. Her heart was
beating fast. She put her hand against
her desk to brace herself as if she was falling. In her mind she could see Marcus looking at
her. She could see his words in his
eyes; in his mouth; his lips. She knew
he was telling the truth.
“Marcus,
those words seem intense. Very poetic I
must say.”
“Is that
approval?”
“Yes, it
is, but ”
“But
what?”
“I don’t
know if you should be saying things like that.”
“All you
have to do is tell me not to, and I won’t”
Silence.
“Tonya,
do you want me to stop?”
More
silence.
“No.”
Marcus
and Tonya communicated almost everyday, usually through email and never on the
weekend. In no time at all, they
developed a routine. Tonya seldom left
work without shooting Marcus an email informing him that she was gone. The first thing Marcus did each morning was
send Tonya a greeting and a loose agenda of when he would be available to
communicate. They each welcomed the
other into their life. Mostly the
conversations were about general concerns; the things one would expect friends
to share. Each day, however, Marcus took
the opportunity to express his feelings for Tonya. He looked forward to it and she did, too.
Tonya
enjoyed her friendship with Marcus. She
couldn’t believe how comfortable she was talking with him. His gentleness and genuineness seemed to
welcome her to a place she had not gone before.
She felt connected to Marcus.
Some internal force, something more than an emotion, pushed her to
Marcus. Marcus made her smile. Marcus made her laugh. Marcus made her feel better. Marcus made her happy on a level she had
never experienced. When Marcus asked how
she was doing, she felt that he wasn’t just being polite. He cared, really cared about her. Marcus wasn’t concerned with roles, postures,
or definitions. He only cared about her
as Tonya; nothing and no one else. She
knew this.
Tonya
realized that her friendship with Marcus was dangerous. She would not admit to herself a reason it
existed. She offered herself any cause
or motivation. She wanted what she was
getting from Marcus. How much of herself
would she give she wondered. She resolved
that circumstances prevented her from saying or doing certain things. She believed that controlling her words would
control her feelings and control her actions.
This, she told herself, is just a friendship. But, she found herself wondering if Marcus
loved her. Why did she want to know
that?
Marcus
woke up after only sleeping for a little more than an hour. At first he tried to will himself immediately
back to sleep. He needed not to wake
up. Finally, he looked at the
clock. It was almost
Tonya
came to work early on Monday. It was the
last week of the month and she had more reports than days to get them done. She turned on her computer monitor and noticed
the new email icon. She usually didn’t
have email this early. It was from
Marcus.
Dear
Tonya
I hope that this email is a pleasant surprise and a wonderful
start to your day. It is about
Tonya, I must first admit that I am having trouble finding the
right words. The words that come to mind
seem so used and abused. I want to use
them, but I’m afraid you see them as usually and uninspiring. I want words that will tell you that a rising
sun has never promised the warmth that is in your smile. Of all the seas in a thousand universes, none
offer the tranquility or peace that is in your eyes Each word you speak is
heard a thousand times – once by my ears; 999 times by my soul. What words can tell you that?
There are words that have been said a billion times for a
billion reasons, but when I say them I doubt they mean the same thing. I don’t doubt the sincerity of the other
souls who have said them. It is just
that the reality we live in would be so different if it had in it what I feel
for you times a billion. Take what is in
my heart and multiple it by a billion and there are no more wars. Take what is in my heart and multiple it by a
billion and there is no more crime. Take
what is in my heart and multiple it by a billion and there is not more
conflict; no more strife. A billion
times what is in my heart for you could birth a new world.
Tonya, I pray that you don’t allow the limitation of words
hinder you in understanding that I have found something I’ve been looking
for. I’ve found something that has
changed my life; something that will last rest of my life. I’ve never wanted anything more than to have
the search end. It is love with out
limitation, façade, pretence, or definition.
It is as love should be –pure and from the soul. Tonya, I found you. The woman I will love the rest of my life.
Always,
Marcus
Tonya
couldn’t breath.
Marcus’
Monday routine was to visit the hospital and those members who hadn’t made it
to church on Sunday. As he went about
his day, he thought of Tonya and the email he had sent her. He wondered for a moment if he had perhaps
gone overboard. Maybe he had pushed her
away. He decided he wouldn’t contact her
until she responded. He hoped that he
didn’t have to wait long.
Heading
back to the church in the afternoon and having not heard from Tonya, Marcus
began to believe that he had in fact pushed her away. The fear that he would not hear from her
turned into doubt. He wondered if his
words were true; did he love Tonya. Had
he been fooled by an old infatuation? Marcus searched himself. Convinced that he had expressed what was
truly in his heart, he would take whatever the consequence. He had poured out his heart and it made him
feel wonderful. Marcus told himself that
it was Tonya’s problem if she couldn’t handle it. He was preparing himself for the worse. He hoped that he had given Tonya what she
wanted.
The sound
of a horn behind snapped Marcus out of his trance and he drove on through the
intersection. As he did, he noticed the
five boys from the back pew. One of the
boys spotted Marcus and looked away as if he didn’t want Marcus to see
him. Marcus thought to himself that
someone was somewhere they should not have been. Boys will be boys he said as he drove on to
the church. He was going to make a quick
stop and head home.
Marcus
debated whether dinner would be ordered pizza or cooked meal. He decided he would cook. He figured the cooking would occupy his mind
and get his mind off Tonya. He had
checked his email and there was no email from her. Marcus turned on the stereo, kicked off his
shoe, and began dinner. Tonight he would
feast on shrimp and pasta. Before dinner
was done, the phone rang. It was
Delvin. They talked for awhile and made
plans to get together. Just as he
finished dinner, the phone rung again and Marcus prepared to tease Delvin about
interrupting his dinner.
“Yes!”
“Hello.” It
was Tonya.
“Oh, I’m
sorry. I thought you were someone else.”
“Who?
Your girlfriend?”
“My
brother. He had just called a few
minutes ago. I thought he was calling
back. How are you?”
“I’m
fine.”
“I
wouldn’t expect you to call this late.”
“I’m
still at work.”
“Working
hard?”
“Trying
not to. Marcus, I got your email this
morning. It was… it was nice.”
“I hope
it made you smile.”
“I did
something to me. Marcus, those were some
very strong words. I wasn’t expecting
that from you.”
“What did
you expect?”
“I don’t
know. I feel so comfortable and
connected to you. There is something
between us and I don’t think it just evolved over the last few weeks. I can’t describe how you make me feel, but
Marcus, you know what our situation is.”
“Tonya, I understand our situation. I know we can’t change where we are, but I am going to love you
anyway. I always have. Whether we talk; whether I say it or not, my
feelings are still going to be there. I
just want to share them with you. Tonya,
what do you want?”
“Oh,
Marcus, Marcus, Marcus. I want. I want your words, your emotions, your
time. I want the want you make me laugh. I want what you’re doing to me.”
“Tonya, I
want you to know this love I have for you.
I want you to know that in me you have someone who adores you; someone
who cares for you. I want to give you
happiness.”
“Did you
really mean you love me?”
“Yes, I
really do, but…”
“But
what?”
“It is
not the type of love that is defined by our situation or circumstances. Not being able to be with you doesn’t make me
love you any less. This is not the type
of love you use to define a person as your girlfriend or wife. This is the type of love that is used to say
that come what may, until time is no more, I simple and truly love you with my
soul.”
“Marcus,
this can’t get crazy. I have a husband
and you have a church.”
“I’m not
trying to get between you and your husband.
I just want to tell you how I feel.
And I don’t want anything to get between me and the church. Let’s promise that we’ll end this if it gets
crazy. Okay?”
“Okay. I have to get out of here and get home, but
I’m working late again Friday. Can I
call you then? I mean we can share emails still, but I would like to talk with
you frid.”
“Sure. Fridays’s fine. You be careful getting home and we’ll chat
later.”
“Good
night, Marcus.”
“Good
night, Tonya.”
Marcus
sat holding the silent phone in his hand.
He was overwhelmed by a feeling of belonging. He knew that some part of him now belonged to
Tonya. Then he thought that maybe it had
always belonged to her. Maybe there had
always been a part of himself that he held back in other relationships because
it belonged to Tonya. He couldn’t give
it to anyone else. He had been waiting
for this; waiting for this time and this experience.
Marcus wanted
Tonya. He had not thought those words,
but they were true. He wanted her. However, Marcus found that he didn’t want
Tonya in the ‘I must have’, ‘be my wife’ kind of way. He didn’t want her to leave her husband. If things were different, of course, he
wanted to be with her. But things
weren’t different and Marcus was content with the way they were. He wanted to love Tonya and he was doing
that. He wanted to express his feelings
for her and he was doing that. He wanted
to make her feel his love for her and he was doing that. Marcus was satisfied. At least he was satisfied for right now.
Marcus
found himself in his own world of contentment.
He was happy. Things at the
church were going well. The congregation
seemed happy and most of the members were eager to be involved in some kind of
activity. His family was well. Delvin and Marcus had resumed the
brother/best friend relationship they had as teen-agers. And Marcus had love. He had love from the one person he had always
wanted it from – Tonya. Marcus felt all
was well in his world.
Just as
she had promised, Tonya called Friday night.
Marcus was delighted to hear her voice and Tonya was full of
energy. Marcus did not know if that was
because it was Friday or because she was talking to him. He hoped it was the latter. They engaged in friendly banter. Marcus enjoyed matching wits with Tonya or,
at least, trying. She was smart, quick,
and had a great sense of humor. Making
her laugh was a sign that Marcus was holding his own. Marcus thought they needed to be a little
more serious for a moment.
“Tonya,
how are you doing?”
“What do
you mean? I think I’m fine.”
“I mean
how are you doing with this friendship.
I don’t want to interfere with things at home.”
“I am
doing fine. I am able to keep this
separated. I can’t let this affect my
home so I don’t”
“Okay. I just want to make sure. I would hate for thoughts of me to show up at
the wrong time.” Marcus laughed.