Instinct and habit drove Tonya home.  She and Stacey ate dinner and Tonya placed a plate for Ryan into the microwave.  She wasn’t sure when he would get home, but she knew she had until then to think about how things had turned out.  She stood at the window looking out at nothing, but in her mind she saw everything.  She saw Marcus talking to her in the airport.  She saw Marcus walking up the driveway at her old home.  She saw Marcus throwing rocks into the lake.  Everywhere she saw Marcus, she saw herself.  In fact, it was difficult for Tonya to picture Marcus without her.  And there was a version of herself she couldn’t imagine without Marcus.  There was a version of her that seemed to only exist with and because of Marcus.  She wondered why that was the case and could only conclude that it was with Marcus that she really got to be herself.  With Marcus, she was able to relax and be herself beyond duties and responsibilities or expectations.  Tonya understood that it wasn’t about escaping reality, but about moving to a place where she discovered the reality of who she was.  Marcus made it okay to be everyday who she could be on her best day.  Tonya thought to herself that the answer she gave to Mrs.  Austin was correct.  She was selfish, but why shouldn’t she want what Marcus brought to her life.  Why should she let it go?

Tonya began to wrap up her review.  She knew the direction things were headed, particularly now that their secret was no longer a secret.  She didn’t know what she was going to do nor did she have a real idea of what options she had.  She thought to herself that perhaps she would simply not call or email Marcus anymore.  But then she had to ask herself what were the chances of that.  She could tell herself that it would be okay not to expect an email from him each morning, but would it really be okay.  She could tell herself that it would be fine never to receive another poem from him, but would that really be true.  She could maybe even convince herself that not hearing him laugh or laughing at his witty humor would be alright, but just how far would that be from reality.  The reality was she didn’t with to be without any of those things.  Tonya thought about the withdrawals of a drug addict going through cold turkey.

“Man, I’m addicted to Marcus,” she laughed.  “I need help.”

Sensing that Ryan wouldn’t be home, Tonya got herself and Stacey ready for bed and turned in for the night.  As she said her prayers, she prayed that Marcus would have a full recovery and that things would work out for him.  She was about to end her prayer when she thought of something else she needed to pray for.  Tonya prayed that God would give her the strength to do the right thing and that he would soothe the pain it may cause.  Tonya went to bed confident that her prayers would be answered.

Tony woke up to the sound of Ryan getting ready for work.  She didn’t recall noticing when he had gotten bed.  She crawled out of bed and went to him.  She ducked under the arm he had raised to brush his hair and stood in front of him.  Tonya placed her head to Ryan’s chest and held him tightly.  He placed his arms around her and held her back.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning, baby.  What time did you get in?”

“Not too late.  I started to wake you but you are snoring.”  Ryan made a sound like a lawnmower.  Tonya patted him on the butt.

“I was not.  You want some breakfast?”

“Nah, no time.”

Ryan went off to work and Tonya ensured Stacey was ready when the school bus arrived.  Tonya took her shower and was almost ready for work when the phone rang.  She wondered who had forgotten something – Ryan or Stacey.  She peered at the caller-id.  The call was coming from the airport.

“Hello,” Tonya said timidly.

“Hello.”  It was Marcus.

“Where are you?” Tonya asked excitedly.

“Terminal 1 Gate C1.”

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

Marcus had decided that if he was going to say good-by to Tonya, he was going to do it in person.  He had booked an early morning flight and it arrived in Chicago about 7 A.M.  Marcus sat near his arrival gate for a few minutes waiting for the right time to call Tonya.  He hadn’t informed her of his plan because he didn’t want it to be on her mind through the night.  He sat patiently waiting until he felt safe in assuming her husband had left for work.  Marcus tried to come up with what he would say, but it was hard to think about saying good-bye as he became more and more excited about seeing Tonya.  All he could think about was seeing her smile, hearing her voice, and looking into her eyes.

Around 7:30, Marcus for an airport employee he thought could be persuaded.  He asked if there was an airport phone he could use.  Marcus wanted to use an airport phone because he felt a call from the airport would be easier to explain as a wrong number or misplaced call than a call from his cell phone.  The employee told him that there were plenty of payphones in the airport.  Marcus turned on the charm.

“I need to make a special phone call.  Me and my friend really need to use your phone.”  Marcus pulled out a hundred dollar bill.  The employee invited Marcus and his friend to follow him.  Marcus made his call and Tonya was on her way.  He walked slowly down to Gate C1.  He knew it would take Tonya a while to get there.  Marcus noticed that there were enough people in the airport to say that it wasn’t empty, but it was far from the mass that would invade it shortly.  When he reached the gate, he sat and watched the airport really come alive.  He wondered if the world could really be that busy.  He wondered if you added up all the hours spent rushing through airports, how many lives would it add up to.  Why, he wondered, didn’t people take the advantage of the situation and interact with each other.  As he thought about it, taking a flight was a lot like a new relationship.  There was a chance to make a new impression on people you had not met before.  There was a chance for a person to get to know you without the history and baggage of familiarity.  There were no expectations other than that which would come with “Hi, my name is…”  Why didn’t they take; ask where you’re from and where you’re going?  When we’re sitting on the tarmac and the captain announces, take-off has been delayed, why doesn’t someone get up and tell a joke?  Why, he wondered, do we not recognize that the sun is still shining somewhere?

Tonya tried to steady her hand as she put on lipstick.  She finally gave up as she was sure her shaking hand could only put make-up on a clown right then.  She got her keys and tried not to rush out of the house, but rush was exactly what she did.  She got into her car and headed to the airport.  Noticing she was headed in the opposite direction than in other mornings, Tonya realized she needed to call Beverly and inform her that she would be late.  After making that call, Tonya tried to concentrate on driving, but her mind was already at the airport.

Tonya was imagining herself standing with Marcus, but she couldn’t imagine what either of them would say.  She only thing she could think of to say was to tell Marcus that she always wanted him in her life.  She had to wonder what good saying that would do.  Lost in her thoughts, Tonya was not aware of how fast she was driving or that she had she had barely slowed down to make a right turn even though there was a stop sign.  Urgency drove the car.

Tonya wondered why Marcus hadn’t let her know she was coming.  The idea came to her that perhaps he knew that having to think about his coming through the night might have been too much.  It was a reasonable thought.  Tonya didn’t imagine that she would have slept a wink had she know Marcus was coming to town.  The thought then occurred to her that she didn’t really know why Marcus was in town.  Why had he come?  She knew he had come to see her, but why.  Tonya felt nervousness turn her stomach.  She knew why Marcus was there.  He was there because in person was the only way to do what had to be done.

Knowing what she was headed to, Tonya rushed ahead.  She knew that the quicker she got there, the sooner she had to face the inevitable.  Yet, she also knew that the longer it took for her to get there, the shorter the time she had with Marcus.  Weighing the two, she would rather have as much time as possible with Marcus.  The airport was now about fifteen minutes away and Tonya’s nervous anxiety was growing.  When a slow moving car pulled in front of her, Tonya repeated the word please several times to herself.  She became frustrated with herself for being so lost in her thoughts that she sat at a stop light until it turned red again.  She knew she had just wasted about three precious minutes.  She told herself that she had to get in control and pull herself together.

Tonya didn’t have a chance to heed her own plea.   A blast from a car horn brought her to the reality that she was passing through a red stop light.  Her first instinct was to press the accelerator, hoping to speed through the intersection.  The appearance of another car convinced her to press the brakes and turn the wheel.  Tonya’s car swerved and then spun around.  She could see the driver in the other car fighting for control.  Tonya pressed the brakes with both feet and firmly held the steering wheel.  The other car passed close enough for Tonya to reach out and touch it.  Tonya closed her eyes and screamed.

The car stopped.  Tonya opened her eyes.  She was sitting just beyond the intersection.  There were a couple of other cars that had stopped.  Her car was still running, so Tonya drove over to the curb.  She put the car in park, looked in the rearview mirror at the intersection, and began to cry.  It wasn’t a violent cry.  It was a cleansing cry with warm tears that seemed to cling to her eyes before rolling down her face.  The cleansing lasted only a minute and washed away the anxiety for the moment.  Tonya put the car in gear and proceeded to the airport; obeying all signs and speed limits.

Tonya reached the airport and it occurred to her that she had not written down what gate Marcus was at.  In all the excitement, she had forgotten.  She slowed down to get herself time to think.  The harder she tried to remember the blanker her mind became.  She saw a sign for Terminal 1 and then she remembered.  Marcus was at Terminal 1 Gate C1.  She knew it was right.  Tonya drove up to the valet parking at Terminal 1.  She didn’t have time to park herself.  She gave her keys to the valet and took her ticket.  She wanted to run, but there had been enough drama already.  She quickly walked through the automatic doors, got her bearings, and headed for Gate C1.

Tonya didn’t know if it was exactly anxious, but her heart was beating fast.  Her stomach felt like a pit full of ice water.  However, now that she was at the airport, she wasn’t in a hurry.  She couldn’t stop the physical effect of the moment, but mentally she was relaxed. She told herself that the situation was what it was.  She remembered what Marcus’ mother had said about selfishness.  This moment was bigger than that.  She knew all the worrying in the world would not change that.  This was a moment she would remember for the rest of her life and Tonya had decided she would live in it completely.  This was her story; the story of her love for Marcus and she wasn’t going to miss it.  With each step she became happier and more excited. Soon she would be with Marcus again.

Waiting for Tonya to arrive was beginning to prove more difficult than Marcus had assumed. It had been about twenty-five minutes since he had called her and he was becoming impatient.  Marcus was beginning to wish that he had chosen a gate closer to the entrance into the concourse.  That way he could see Tonya arrive just a bit sooner.  He had chosen C1 because it was at the end of the concourse and would have fewer people moving to and from gates.  At one point he had decided to walk down the concourse in hopes of seeing Tonya. But as he got into the press of people, he realized that was a mistake.  Tonya could have walked within a few feet of him and he could miss her.  Even though he now knew that walking to meet her was futile, he still felt compelled to do it.  Marcus laughed at himself for being so impatient.  He was sure she would get there eventually.  She was, after all, on her way.  For moment the thought occurred to him that perhaps she hadn’t gotten there because she was not coming.  He thought that maybe he should call her.  He finally settled down; realizing that Tonya would have called him if she was unable to come.

Marcus looked at his watch.  He told himself that Tonya would be there any minute.  He focused on this thought and began to imagine what she might say when she got there.  Marcus had had all night to think of what he would say and he still didn’t know.  He knew he couldn’t just say what needed to be said and get back on a plane.  There had to be more.  He just didn’t know what more would be.  He tried to come up with something that would make coming to the airport worthwhile for Tonya.  He could tell her that he loved her or that he adored her.  He could tell her that he cherished every minute that he spent talking with her.  He could tell her how excited he was every time he got an email from her.  Marcus thought to himself that he could tell her a lot of things and still say nothing.  Maybe, he thought, the best thing was not to say anything or, at least, not to say anything planned.  He would say what he felt at the time and if he didn’t know what to say, he would say that or say nothing.  That was his plan.  Marcus thought to himself that he had flown six hundred, fifty miles and that was his plan. He laughed at himself.  This, he told himself, was going to be interesting. 

His laughter eased his tension.  Marcus walked over to one the large windows and stood looking out.  With his back to the mass of people, he lost interest in seeing Tonya passing through the crowd.  He imagined that at any moment he would hear her voice and turn around to see her standing near him.

As she stepped into Concourse C, Tonya began to smile.  She was almost there.  The gate numbers decreased as she walked and gave her an indication of how much further she had to go.  When she got to C15, she could easily see the location of C1.  Tonya quickened her pace and at C10 could see into the area around C1.  At C8 she was able to begin scanning the area for a familiar face. At C5, she saw Marcus.  He was standing looking out the window.  Tonya walked up to him. Marcus seemed lost in thought.

“Marcus, I’m here.”