Tonya checked her email throughout the day
and was disappointed each time. She had
hoped Marcus would email her and took the absence of email from him as a sign
he didn’t want to her from him. The
morning’s conversation hadn’t gone the way she had intended and she had not
intended to hurt Marcus. She had hoped
to express to him how much she valued his friendship. Given the disappointments
she felt were inevitably in a relationship, Tonya would rather not put at risk
what she had with Marcus. She had no doubt
about his affection or care for her. She wondered it that would still be true
if they got involved and it didn’t work out. Then the reason became clear. If
they got involved, there was a chance Marcus would be disappointed and not want
her. She was sure Marcus’ intense love
for her came with high expectations; expectations she may not be able to live
up to. If they were together, Marcus would be looking for her to be worthy of
his love. What if she wasn’t? What if
she wasn’t all that Marcus dreamed she was?
She would, she thought, lose everything
Tonya surely did not intend for Marcus to
imagine her being with someone other than Marcus if her situation changed. Tonya could not imagine that. She couldn’t imagine anyone else touching
her, kissing her, or caressing her. As
she thought about it, she could understand how her comments may have seemed to
Marcus. Of course, she didn’t expect him
to maintain the same friendship with her as she moved into another relationship
if her situation changed. She did not
intend to imply that at all. Tonya
thought about how much Marcus cared about her; how much he loved her; and in
her mind it seemed almost perfect. But nothing was perfect; not even almost. Something always goes wrong. Something always disappoints. Tonya began to see that feared dreaming of
being with Marcus. She wouldn’t allow
herself to envision something so intense; something so passionate and complete. She had never hoped for anything like that
because she didn’t believe it existed.
Tonya felt more comfortable believing in a love more grounded; love that
was more under control. She could see
how Marcus loved her, but couldn’t see herself giving in to it. If she did, how
could she control it?
Tonya thought for a moment she would
apologize to Marcus. She would tell him that she didn’t mean what she had said.
As the day progress, the idea to apologize began to transform and become paler.
Her next thought was to say she didn’t mean it the way he took it. Later it
became she was sorry she upset him, then it because she was sorry he got upset.
It changed to she hoped he was okay, and from that it finally faded to he’ll
call when he gets over it. Tonya told
herself Marcus just needed some time. By
the
“I
need you to call me. I have something I must say.”
Tonya was disappointed the email didn’t say
much more. She then consoled herself by
concluding that whatever Marcus had to say would mend their friendship. She
knew it would be poetic; words that would take her breath away. Tonya quickly
finished whatever she was working on and settled at her desk. She called Marcus.
“Hello” Marcus said.”
“Hello. How are you?”
“I’m fine.
Listen, I’m not going to waste your time and I’ll make this quick.
You’re a married woman. And I don’t want a married woman. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Bye.”
“Bye”.
Tonya hung up the phone. She sat at her desk stunned. She couldn’t believe what had just happened.
Marcus didn’t want her. Tonya felt like
Marcus had discovered something terrible about her. He had declared her married as if he was
accusing her of something terrible; like being married disqualified her as
someone worthy of his love. His tone
told her that something was wrong with her and he didn’t want her. Tonya wanted
to cry. She fought to keep it together
because she was at work. She wondered
how Marcus could have been so cold. How
could he have said that he didn’t want her?
Tonya felt hurt, betrayed, and angry. She was angry because Marcus had called her
and made his proclamation without any discussion. He hadn’t given her a chance
to respond or question his motive. He
had simply rushed in and hit her with a hammer.
She was angry that he had taken such a cowardly approach and had left
her to simply stew in her own emotions. She felt betrayed because Marcus had
coaxed her feelings out from the places where she kept them hide and
protected. He had made her comfortable
feelings things she didn’t allow herself to feel, and now he had pulled the rug
from under her. She felt betrayed
because she had trusted Marcus like she had not trusted any man. Tonya felt
hurt because she loved Marcus. She had
realized that she needed the connection she shared with him. She needed Marcus to love her. She needed to love him; and she did. Tonya was hurt because she couldn’t loose
Marcus without loosing part of herself.
Marcus hung up and placed his cell phone in
the passenger seat. He looked out over the glistening lake and tried to loose
himself. He had left home an hour ago
headed nowhere; driving around looking for courage to make the call. He didn’t remember deciding to drive to
Marcus started the car and headed out of the
park. He thought to himself how he had
thought his relationship with Tonya was safe from the drama they were now
experiencing. He had thought they would be safe from misunderstandings,
opposing views, mood swings, and hurt feelings.
Somehow Marcus had concluded that giving his heart to Tonya, someone he
loved so dearly, would protect it against breaking. Now he had to ask himself how he could love
her some much, yet say to her what he had just said. Why hadn’t he said what he
really wanted to say? Why had he chosen
to lash out at her instead of telling her how he felt? Marcus had spent the
last two months telling Tonya how he felt, but found that he couldn’t do it
when it really counted.
Marcus arrived home, turned off the
ignition, and sat in the car. He tried
to think of somewhere he could go instead of inside the house. He finally got
out of the car and headed to the door.
At the door, he paused again and did a quick mental inventory to see if
there was anything he needed from the grocery store, the hardware store, or
somewhere. With nowhere to go, Marcus
reluctantly entered the house. He walked slowly from the living room to the
kitchen, and then realized that it was Tuesday and there was a chance Delvin
was free to hang out. He called Delvin and in less than half an hour they were
in Delvin’s car headed to a late lunch.
Delvin talked as he drove, but Marcus only
gave one word responses. When humor
didn’t stir Marcus’ interest, Delvin decided to try shock therapy.
“Marcus, I’m thinking about buying a gun and
going on a shooting spree. Can I start at your church?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have to check.” Marcus
spoke automatically without comprehending.
“I’ll start with the deacons and the little
children first.”
“That will be… What are you talking about? Did you say
you’re going to shoot my deacons?”
“Hey, I was just trying to see if you were
listening or not. I guess not. What’s on
your mind?”
“Nothing. Everything. I don’t know. I think I did something stupid.”
“Would this be stupid as in did something
stupid with Tonya?”
“Sort of, I guess.”
“Man, I warned you, but you wouldn’t listen.
I can’t believe you would do something like that.”
“What? Oh, no. I didn’t do anything like
that. All we do is talk. Yesterday she said something I didn’t like and today I
basically told her I didn’t want to have anything to do with her.”
“Mark, you know I don’t think a friendship
with a married woman is a good idea, but telling her you don’t want to have
anything to do with her because you’re upset is wrong. You’re right you did
something stupid.”
“I know.
I know. Now I don’t know what to
do.”
“Marcus, you know what? You’re crazy. First,
you start a relationship as though you can’t help yourself, and then you act
like you don’t know how to say you’re sorry to save it. Did you mean what you
said?”
“No, I didn’t mean it. I said it because I
was hurt. One day she here and then the next day she’s…”
“What? Did you say she was here?”
“Yes, I saw her Sunday for a few minutes.”
“I’m sorry. I was wrong. Both of you are
crazy. Marcus, her husband is going to kill you and her. What did you do?”
“We didn’t do anything but talk. I didn’t
lay a finger on her. Yesterday she said that if her situation changed we
wouldn’t be together.”
“Well, you two shouldn’t be having
conversations like that anyway. But since you did, was that something to throw
the friendship away over? Is she mad or upset now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Mark, I am going to say something I can’t
believe I’m saying. First, though, you should know that you could just forget
all about it and move on. Can you do that?”
“I don’t know.”
“I was hoping you were going to say yes.
Well, then listen to what I am about to say.
If you love her as much as you say you do, then don’t let it end like
that. I am not saying don’t end it. I am just saying don’t undermine or devalue
love. Having and knowing that somebody loves you is important and it makes a
difference. I think the two of you should stay away from each other because it
is so dangerous in so many ways. But you shouldn’t be enemies and you shouldn’t
hurt each other. And if you let it end like this, you will never get over it or
her.”
“You’re right. I don’t want it to end. I can’t let it end like this. Delvin, I really love her. I don’t know why
things turned out like this, but when I talk to her – I can’t explain it. I am
glad you understand.”
“If that’s who you love, that’s who you
love. You just have to know what to do
about it.”
“I know what I have to do about it.”
“Hey, but don’t forget. A jealous husband can be bad for your
health.” Delvin laughed.
Marcus did know what he had to do. The
conversation moved on to other things, but internally the subject continued to
be discussed. Marcus realized he had to
fix things between him and Tonya. The only
way he knew to do that was to be honest with her. He knew that doing so would make him
vulnerable to hurt and disappointment, but he had found that holding back or
trying to disguise how he felt guaranteed no safety. Marcus was beginning to understand that love
was risky, but love endured. The
conversation he and Tonya had brought unpleasantness, but it didn’t lessen his
love for her. His love for her didn’t
care that she was married. His love for her didn’t care if her situation
changed or not. And it wouldn’t care if
she chose not to be with him. Love had
nothing to do with his fears or insecurities.
Of course, it mattered to Marcus that Tonya was married, but it had no
bearing on how much he loved her. It was
his love for her that was important. So
very quickly Marcus had forgotten that the point of finding Tonya was not so
she could be his, but so that his love could be hers. He needed to express it; to tell her how much
he cared; and to find out if the connection was real.
Marcus thought back to when he first saw
Tonya. He remembered that she seemed to
walk in her own sunlight. He thought
about the way she looked at him. He
could see her sitting with her parents watching him play baseball. Marcus remembered that something in her eyes
said “It’s okay to love me.” Marcus
realized that what he had been looking for all these years was a risk free
place to love. He wanted to give himself
in safety and he had been holding back waiting for that chance; waiting to see
in someone’s eyes that it was okay to love them. It saw it in Tonya’s eyes. That’s what made her different. Marcus had loved her because he believed he
could. He still believed.
When
Marcus got home, he checked his email.
He didn’t expect anything from Tonya, but checked anyway just to make
sure. He sat quietly thinking. Then he began to write.
Dear Tonya,
I wish there was some magic I could perform that would
turn back time, but there isn’t. So,
I’ll use the one thing that I believe is magical and let it do what it does. I
am going to rely on the truth. I am going to tell you how I truly feel and what
I wish I had said today.
Tonya, I know my words were
harsh. I know they upset you, to say the
least. I want you to know that what I
said is not what I wanted to say. In fact,
it was a lie. I was lying when I said I
didn’t want you. I had been hurt by our
earlier conversation, and I was desperate to build up a wall around me so I
couldn’t be hurt again. It was a cowardly thing to do. I should have been brave
enough to tell you the truth.
The truth is I felt like you
didn’t want me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for you. I was good enough to
have this secret friendship, but not good enough for you to love openly. That’s
what I should have said. It is what I really needed to say. I also needed to tell you to give my love a
chance and give us a chance. I wanted to ask you whether or not you thought the
things we could share; the life we could share was worth the risk it would be
to our friendship.
If nothing else, I should have
said the one thing will not change. I should have told you that I love you and
that my love for you existed beyond any definition of our relationship. I love
you not because you call me friend, but because something inside you calls to
me. No situation, changed or unchanged,
can stop me from loving you with everything that I am.
I am sorry for what I said. I
am even sorrier for what I didn’t say. I
ask that you forgive me for being afraid and for letting fear rule the day. I
love you so very much.
You have my heart.
Marcus
Marcus reread the email. It said what he really felt, so he sent
it. He wished that he could get an
immediate response, but he knew it would be hours before Tonya read it. There wasn’t any guarantee she even respond
then, but he was hopeful. Marcus was
also excited by the idea that things could be back on track. He felt he couldn’t be the same without Tonya
and was beginning to miss her already.
The more Marcus thought about it, the less severe what they had gone
through seemed. Now that he had sent her
an email apologizing, it seemed like nothing more than a glitch; just a
misunderstanding. He was beginning to believe that Tonya would see it that way,
too. Marcus went to bed excited about
the next day. Tomorrow, he told himself, would be a very special day.