Tonya sat in her window sit oblivious to the
world inside the plane. Stacey was in
her own world with a teen magazine and mp3 player. Tonya looked out at the approaching night. She felt she was leaving something in
Tonya thought about how Marcus looked at
her. Then she thought how Marcus never
looked at her. He gazed at her. He gazed at her as though he had just gotten
his sight. He beheld her. He beheld her as thought she was a
masterpiece of creation. His eyes took
her in as though doing so quenched his thirst.
Tonya loved it. She felt that
Marcus saw things about her that words could not tell. But what she loved most was that she felt
Marcus knew and understood what he saw.
Marcus understood even those things she feared to admit to herself. As she thought about it, the sum of her
experience with Marcus was intoxicating.
Intoxication, she concluded, was not controllable.
By the time the flight was making its final
approach for landing, Tonya had reviewed her visit with Marcus a dozen
times. Each time she wondered if holding
her ever cross Marcus’ mind. She
wondered if he thought about touching her or kissing her. It had crossed her mind. She wanted to be in his arms, and leaving him
without being in his arms felt awkward and wrong. As she drove away, her heart and body was
telling her to turn around and end the visit the way it should end. How could it had ended, she wondered, with
his arms embracing her; his hands in the small of her back pulling her closed
and closer; Tonya thought about what it would have felt like to feel her breast
pressed to Marcus’ chest as he held her tightly and kissed her
passionately. Her thoughts intensified
and became increasingly basic until her thoughts were how much she wanted that
man and what she wanted him to do. The
jolt of the airplane landing rescued Tonya from her thoughts.
Monday morning Tonya was not surprise by the
email from Marcus. She was very glad to
see that there time together had been just as enjoyable and intense for
him. She was also glad to know that just
as she confessed to herself that part of her belonged to Marcus, part of him
belonged to her. She started writing a
response, but then decided she wanted to her his voice.
“Hello” Marcus said, answering his cell
phone.”
“Good morning.”
“Good morning to you, too. How was your flight?”
“It was fine.”
“I hope your day is off to a good start.”
“It is.
I got your email.”
“I just wanted you to know how much it meant
to me to see you. I really enjoyed our
time together.”
“I did, too.
I like being with you. It’s a
nice feeling to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable and excited at
the same time.”
“Is that how I make you feel?”
“Yes.”
“What else do I make you feel?”
“Um, I don’t think I show answer that
question. I can’t answer that.”
“Why?”
“There are just some things I shouldn’t say
or express.”
“Oh, well, I guess I’m left to think the
worse, huh?”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Or I could read your mind to find out how
you feel.”
“You don’t know?”
“I think I know. I assume I know, but sometimes it’s nice to
hear.” As Marcus said the words it dawned on him that it was important to hear
words of endearment. He believed he knew
how Tonya felt. He believed she loved,
but the thought of her saying the words was more than he could imagine.
“Well, you don’t have anything to worry
about.”
“That is good to know.”
“I am not a very expressive person when it
comes to emotions, anyway. I’ll do it
when the mood hits me just right, but for the most part I am a still water that
runs deep. You know what I mean?”
“I believe so. Given our circumstances, you would rather not
say how you feel about me. And if our
circumstances changed, you would express your feelings every now and then.”
“Yeah, if the circumstances changed, but
they aren’t going to change. So, we don’t have to worry about that.” Tonya
felt the sensation of being in control.
She remembered her thoughts from the flight back to
“I wonder what it would be like if the
circumstances changed” Marcus said.
“If they changed we probably would not even
be together.”
“What?
What in the world are you talking about?”
“I’m just saying that if things were to
change we probably wouldn’t get together.”
“What?
You think you being in Chicago and me here in
“No, it has nothing to do with that. I just think that it would probably be best
that we remained just friends.”
“I didn’t know we were just friends.”
“Marcus, you know sometimes a friendship can
be ruined by a relationship. I wouldn’t
want that to happen to us.”
“Damn.
And here I was thinking that our circumstances were keeping us
apart. I didn’t know our friendship
would keep us apart. So I would be
penalized for being such a good friend?”
“Marcus, don’t take it like that. We have something good between us. We both have someone to lean on and talk
to. I don’t want that to be ruined.”
“So, if your situation changed, you wouldn’t
date or see anyone for the rest of your life?”
“I’m not saying that.”
“Well, isn’t that a trip? If your situation were to change, you might
date someone else. It just wouldn’t be
me.”
“Marcus, we don’t have to worry about
that. There is no indication my
situation is going to change.”
“I understand that, but the thought that it
could and then I would have to be your secret good friend while you see someone
else is crazy. It has no consideration
for how I feel.”
“I am considerate of your feelings.”
“Then how can you say that?”
“You do not understand what I’m trying to
say.”
“I understand very well what you are
saying. The point you have made so very
well is that if you were single, I could only be your friend. I understand that.”
“Marcus, listen.”
“No, you listen. I love you with everything I am and
everything I have. I get on my knees
every night and beg God to protect you.
My heart is defined by my love for you and I have to make the best of
everyday that I wake and you’re not by my side.
I have to let hearing your voice console me, knowing that there are
things we can’t share. The special bond
between us comforts me when I think about the fact that there is someone who
gets all the things from you I only can dream about. My feelings and the word ‘if’ keep me
going. ‘If’ keeps this friendship going
and ‘if’ keeps my heart from breaking.
Or should I say it did. I can’t
even believe you would expect me to be back in the same situation while you
love another man; while you give another man what you won’t give me.”
“Marcus, I wasn’t trying to hurt your
feeling.”
“Oh, don’t worry about my feelings. If they are hurt, it’s my fault not yours.”
“Marcus.”
“Tonya, don’t worry about it. You explained yourself. You don’t need to say anything else.” Marcus’
tone was sharp and harsh.
“You don’t have to get nasty.”
“Excuse me.
I didn’t mean to offend you.” But he did.
“Let’s change the subject.”
“No need.
I need to get of the phone. I’ll
talk to you later.”
“Okay.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
Marcus turned off his cell phone and threw
it on the counter. He walked over to the
kitchen window and looked out. He was
hurt, but he didn’t want to be. He was
disappointed and blamed himself, Somehow he had let himself down in opening
himself up to the emotions that had been dormant for so long. The ecstasy he had felt in his relationship
with Tonya had made it all worthwhile, but now the pain he felt seemed greater
than the joy. His heart was in agony and
he now questioned the relationship, the emotions, and the sharing of
himself. Marcus didn’t feel that it was
worth the hurt he now felt.
Marcus left the house and began his Monday
routine. Each visit was a refuge from
his pain. He only thought about his
conversation with Tonya while in the car traveling from place to place. When most of the day had passed, Marcus was
beginning to feel better. That is until
he visited the Gernard’s. The Gernard’s were
an old couple close to being ninety years old each. They had been married for over sixty
years. At the
“Oh, no, young man. You can’t have my Susan. She’s my girl. She’s been my girl since I saw her eighty
years ago.”
“That’s right” said Mrs. Gernard. “That’s my fire right
there and I don’t warm near anything else.
You’re going to keep me warm, Baby?”
“Here’s some heat for you now, Sweety.” Mr. Gernard slowly
leaned over and gave Mrs. Gernard a soft
kiss on the lips.
“Wow.
Sixty years and you two still have it.
That’s amazing”, Marcus said.
“No, son, that’s not amazing. What is amazing is that we found each
other. Had I not found Susan, I would
have spent my whole life looking for her and not knowing what I was looking
for. I was meant to be hers and she was
meant to be mine”
The words cut Marcus and from the wound ran
his love for Tonya. Mr. Gernard had
describe what Marcus felt was as close to heaven on Earth as a person could
get. He knew that the Gernard’s were a special couple, but he wondered why things
hadn’t worked out like that for him. Why
hadn’t he found his true love and spent all his life with her? Why had he spent so much time searching and
not knowing what he was looking for? Why
didn’t he deserve the love and life the Gernard’s had
enjoyed? What had he done wrong? Marcus thought to himself that perhaps he had
been looking for the wrong thing. He
thought that perhaps he had foolishly spent his life longing for a feeling that
had been nothing more than an infatuation.
Maybe he had been only obsessed with Tonya and had mistaken obsession
for love. He wondered how much love; how
much emotion had he really wasted.
Marcus left the Gernard’s
and headed home. He had planned on going
to his office at the church, but decided he could do what needed to be done at
home. As he drove home, he replayed the
last few weeks over in his mind. He
wondered how he had gotten in so deeply in such a short time. He wondered if there was a reason for all
that had occurred. Why did he run into
Tonya? Why had he gone looking for
her? Why had she responded to him the
way she had? Why had he given so much of
himself? Why, why, why? Marcus didn’t know if he knew the answers or
not. He was only sure of one thing – he felt hurt.
Marcus turned into his driveway, unlocked
his door, and entered his front door without giving any thought to it. His mind
was still deciphering and calculating; trying to determine an equation that
would make the last few weeks add up. The more he thought about it, the more
uncomfortable he became with absence of a resolution. He sat on the couch
motionless for more time than he noticed.
He thought about how he had responded to Tonya. He felt that he said too much. He should have just said okay to whatever she
said and not have let on that he was hurt.
He had to do something, he told himself, which could erase how he had
responded. He had to respond to Tonya’s
comments differently. Marcus picked up
the remote control without thinking and turned on the televisions. He flipped through channels, finally stopping
at ESPN. He watched the sports
highlights and as he listened to the commentators and reporters, a thought came
to mind – Tonya’s husband covered sports.
Tonya was married to someone who covered sports just like the people he
saw on television. He was real; a real
person. Tonya was really married. Marcus thought about this as if it was the
solution he was looking for. He reasoned
that he could use her marriage as an eraser to undo all that he had done. And
if he could erase the last few weeks, he could erase the hurt he was feeling.
Marcus knew what he would do and what he would say. He would have to wait until
the right time.