Friday night Marcus was unusually restless.
He had Tonya had not communicated as much as they normally did and he thought
that perhaps he wasn’t satisfied about that. He then realized that his unrest
wasn’t dissatisfaction. Something had stirred in him. Something had wakened
inside him. Marcus couldn’t describe it completely. It was like the way his
little nephew, Mike, sometimes responded to Janet. Occasionally, Marcus would
baby-sit for Delvin and Janet. Mike would be obedient and settled, but the
moment Janet walked into the house to pick him up, he would immediate become
restless and fussy. Perhaps Mike did it for attention or maybe it was something
more internal; something to do with the connection between mother and child.
Marcus wasn’t sure, but that’s how Marcus felt. He felt fussy.
Marcus also felt inspired. Words and
emotions were flowing through him. He sat at his computer and with no effort he
penned several poems. He turned on his stereo and sung every song that was
played. As he pranced around, moving from one room to another, Marcus asked
himself what was wrong with him. He felt something. He stopped still and closed
his eyes. He knew what it was. Tonya was near. The moment he realized that, he
settled down. He was no longer fussy. Peace had come.
Marcus surprised himself in that he didn’t
go looking for Tonya. He could feel her and knew that she was in town, but
since she hadn’t told him she was coming, he would let things play out her
terms. Marcus felt that it was understandable that she had not told him. She
may have felt that given that he would have insisted they see each other and
she may have felt that would not have been a good idea. Or maybe her husband
had come also. He was just happy to have her so near. He was able to go through
Saturday and Sunday morning as he normally did. Sunday afternoon he began to
believe that Tonya was going to go back to
“Hello.”
"Hi, Marcus. How are you?”
“Fine. And you?”
“Fine. Do you know how to get to
“Yes. It’s about thirty minutes away.”
“Well, I’ll be there in about forty-five
minutes; all the way in the back.”
“Okay. See, ya.”
“See ya.”
Marcus hung up. His heart was beating fast.
The thought occurred to him that he had not seen Tonya seen they started
communicating. This would be the first time he had seen her since he told her
how he felt about her. He didn’t know what to expect. In a small way, Marcus
was afraid. He was afraid that being in each other’s presence would be
disappointing when compared to what they shared on the phone. He was afraid
that Tonya may have created an image in her mind of him from the things he said
and wrote that he couldn’t live up to. The insecurities that had prevented him
for ever saying how he felt for years were resurfacing. Maybe they weren’t
resurfacing. Maybe they were there all the time, but only had power over him
when he was physically in her presence.
Marcus resolved that fear and insecurity would not conquer him. In fact,
he would not let anything stop him, not even a call from his mother. After
several ‘mom, I got go’ pleas, his mother finally offered a guilt-laden ‘well,
I’ll let you go’.
Marcus arrived at the lake before Tonya. He
drove to the spot he thought she meant and parked facing he water.
“Hello, Marcus.”
“Hey, how are you?”
“Fine. Are you surprised.”
“Umm. I don’t know. I guess I’m surprised
you’re in
“But what?”
“But I knew you were close because I could
feel you.”
“I have to be careful when I’m sending out
vibes. I don’t want them to be intercepted.”
They both laughed. Marcus looked at her.
“It is so good to see you; to hear you laugh
in person.”
“It’s nice being here. We’ve been doing so
much talking and writing. It’s nice to do it in person.”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with doing – in
person.”
“You’re so silly.”
“Silliness is one of my finer qualities,
I’ll have you know.”
They laughed again. Marcus noticed Tonya. He
noticed how graceful she seemed sitting beside him. He saw how she held one hand
in the other as she talked and kind of tilted her head to the left when she
laughed.
“You know, it almost seems like a dream that
you are here.”
“Well, Marcus, you aren’t dreaming. I’m here
live and in living color.”
“I know. It is funny the things that had to
fall into place for us to be here. If I hadn’t come looking for you or saw you
in the airport.”
“I know what you mean. I’m glad we ran into
each other and had a chance to talk.”
“I’m not talking about that day. I saw you a
week before in the airport. “
“You’re kidding. Why didn’t you say
anything?”
“I only saw you for a moment and then you
were gone. But that got me to thinking about you and well, here we are. Look,
its’ nice today; not too hot. Let’s get out and walk. I feel kind of fidgety.
There is now one else here. How about it?”
“Okay.”
They got out and walked along the shore of
the lake. They talked with such ease that Marcus forgot about the circumstances
of their friendship. They were in a place where the rest of the world didn’t
exist. Marcus felt that portion of time on that day was meant for them. They
questioned each other about their thoughts and idea. Marcus learned that Tonya
once dreamed of being a lawyer. Tonya learned that Marcus once dreamed of being
a teacher and that he wondered why his life hadn’t gone in that direction. She
consoled and encouraged him to understand that he was a teacher teaching the
most important subject there was. Marcus liked the gentle assuring tone of her
voice. He believed her. Tonya sat on a bench and Marcus tossed stones as she
talked about growing up with a military dad.
“I guess” she said, “my father was the
typical military dad. I had friends whose father was in the military and I
don’t think their houses were like our house. It was like we were in the
military sometimes; my dad’s own little army. He didn’t give us instructions.
He gave us orders. And he was sure to let us know how disappointed he was if we
didn’t do our duties. Don’t get me wrong. I know my dad loved me. I just grew
up afraid of things that weren’t controlled and afraid to do something other
than what I was supposed to do”
She looked at Marcus.
“Except when it comes to you.”
“Me? What are you trying to say? I’m out of
control?”
“No. I mean our situation is a little out of
the area of control. Somehow, I’m comfortable here with you. And even though I
can’t control my feelings, I don’t fear sharing with you.”
“That’s funny because I feel the opposite.
I’ve never been a controlling person when it came to emotions and I’m not
trying to control this, but I do have fears that only surface when it comes to
you.”
“Really? What are you afraid of”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m afraid of you
really seeing me and not liking what you see.”
“Well, Mr. Austin. I do see you. I see you
very clearly and I do like what I see. You’re intense and passionate, but you
have wonderfully big heart. Can I ask you something, though?”
“Sure.”
“What do you see in me?”
“What do you mean?”
“What is it you see when you look at me?
Sometimes me have an image of woman in there head and no matter how much they
look at her, they still see only that image. And there have been times in my
life when I’ve thought men were interested in me not for me, but for the image
they thought they saw. So, what do you see?”
“Whew. Maybe we should be playing No
Consequences, but I’ll venture out without a safety net. What do I see? I see a
woman who is capable of wonderful things; passionate things, but has learned to
be safe instead. I see a woman who is smart and gracious; who can do anything,
but may be letting life tell her what to do rather than do what she wants with
her life. I see a woman I think once dreamed of and believed in the type of
love that could consume the world and she wants to know that it is okay to
believe again.”
Tonya didn’t say anything. She had looked
away as Marcus answered her question. He sat down beside her.
“And I’m here to get you to believe again. I
want you to believe that there is such a thing as endless love; to believe that
there is this grand love for you. I want you to believe and know that there is
man that loves and will always be here for you no matter what.”
“Marcus, I do believe”
For the next few minutes they sat quietly
looking out upon the lake. Each of them were thinking about the other; wishing
they could hold hands; wishing they could sit close enough for their bodies to
touch.
“How long do we have?” Marcus asked.
“Not long” Tonya replied in a whisper. She
stood up and looked at Marcus. He stood up too and they headed back to the
cars. They talked about flight plans and work weeks. When they got to Tonya’s
car, they stood silent again.
“I enjoyed visiting with you” Marcus said.”
“I enjoyed it too.” Tonya looked at Marcus
and he could see in her eyes that she wanted the visit to end no more than he
did. He looked away from her eyes and reached beyond her to open her door.
“Thank you”
Tonya got into the car and put on her
seatbelt. She then looked up at Marcus. She felt as if she shouldn’t be
leaving; not yet; not until they had more. Marcus moved back from her car
without taking his eyes from hers. He thought to himself that there should be
more. Tonya started her car still looking at Marcus.
“I guess I’ll see you the next time I’m in
town.”
“Okay. Have a nice flight.”
Marcus turned and walked slowly to his car.
He didn’t want to see Tonya drive off. He could hear her tires on the gravel
and it sounded like his the crushing of his heart. He looked up and saw Tonya’s
car pulling away. He waved good-bye, not expecting Tonya to see him. As he
looked he saw her hand go up inside the car. She was watching him in the
rearview mirror. In a few seconds she was gone.
Marcus got into his car and just sat
quietly. He looked at the clock. They had been there for about forty minutes.
It seemed like it had been longer, but even if it had been it still would have
seemed too short a time to Marcus. He needed enough to – he needed enough time
to do everything. He needed enough time to love her with everything; to
experience loving her in every imaginable way. Forever would have seemed too
short to Marcus. He needed to see her again.
Marcus started his car and began his drive
home. He wondered what Tonya thought of their time together. Marcus wondered if
perhaps he should have done more. Should he have tried to hold her or touch her?
Should he have tried to kiss her? Did she want him to? Was she standing there
to give him that opportunity? Marcus concluded that Tonya was standing there
because she didn’t want to leave. He told himself that they definitely should
not have done more than they did. Deep down inside himself, Marcus said that it
sure would have been nice though.
When Marcus got home he went straight to his
computer. He wanted to know what flight Tonya was on. Of course, he couldn’t
know for sure, but he was sure there weren’t a lot of flights living
This Place So True
O how glorious, this place so
true
Where the sun is warm and the
sky is blue
And the wind whispers it’s
serene sound
Where joy flows and peace
abounds.
A place where love is not
trivialized
By things touched by hand;
seen by eyes
Where tears do not sting, not
fear smart
And love overflows even the
largest heart.
I have heard the angel sing
her song
That comforts me where things
go wrong
And reminds me of all that’s
good and right
So that I stay focused on the
light.
O how precious, this place so
true
Where I spend time with only
you.
Dear Tonya,
Seeing you was so good. You are so beautiful to me. There
is a grace about you; something that speaks to my soul. Tonya, I’ve never felt
like this about anyone and I must tell you that you truly have my heart. There
is a part of me that belongs to only you. No matter what we do; no matter what
happens, nothing is going to change that. The connection between us is real.
You got me; you really do. And I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe years
from now I may be on the other side of the world. But know this. My love will
come all the way around the world just to touch your heart. I love you.
Marcus