When Tonya got home Monday, Ryan was already working on dinner. Stacey was sitting at the counter asking her father if he knew the athletes whose names she could remember. Each time he responded yes she exclaimed wow. Covering sports made him a hero because he knew the athletes Stacey saw on television. Tonya spoke without really disturbing them. She hadn’t seen a scene like this in a very long time. She walked over to Ryan, who was now standing directly across from Stacey. She stood behind him, kissed him on the neck, and put her arms around him. As she did, she couldn’t help but notice that Ryan didn’t have his cell phone on his hip. Everything seemed in its place and order had been restored. She wasn’t sure what made Ryan decide to come home, but she was glad he was there. She thought that perhaps he had grown tired of the distance between them and decided to do something about it. Tonya was glad he had taken control of the situation; taken action to recoup their life from the doldrums.

Tonya peered over Ryan’s shoulder and saw that he was preparing a shrimp dish. She recalled that Marcus had talked about how much he loved shrimp. She laughed lightly. Ryan laughed at her laughter and asked what she was laughing at. She told she was laughing at nothing and that she was just glad he had come home early and that they were together. She walked over to cabinet closes to the breakfast nook. She took out plates and began setting the table, wondering what Marcus may have been having for dinner that night.

Dinner was good. Stacey was very talking; carrying on conversations with mommy and daddy at the same time. Tonya supposed Stacey was overjoyed to have both parents in fellowship and at her disposal. Tonya placed her hand gently on Ryan’s arm and said

“I’m so glad you decided to come home early.”

“I’m glad we’re all here together, too, but the reason I’m home is because I have to get ready to leave in the morning.”

Tonya was disappointed, but she couldn’t determine whether she was disappointed because he hadn’t come home to be with her or because he was leaving tomorrow.

“What do you mean leave? There are no preseason games tomorrow.”

Marcus was surprised she knew that.

“I know, but the guy covering the White Sox game series with Detroit got sick and I have to go take his place the rest of the week.”

“The rest of the week? How many games are they going to play in Detroit?”

“Well, the White Sox will be in Detroit until Thursday, but then I have to cover the Cubs in St. Louis.”

“So, when will you be back, Ryan?”

“Monday.”

Tonya smiled.

“So you’ll be gone a whole week?” Tonya smiled for Stacey’s benefit. Stacey was enjoying her father and Tonya didn’t want to spoil it for her.

“Well, I hope both the White Sox and the Cubs both win. Don’t have too much fun on your trip. I’ll miss you.”

I’ll be back before you know it.”

Tonya smiled as she leaned over and kissed Ryan softly. The she could feel the warmth gradually leaving as if she had received an infusion of cold water that was slowly making its way through her veins. She wanted to pout, at the very least, but was reluctant to disturb the harmony, though it was a harmony shallow and fragile. She wished that Ryan had thought to come home and spend time with her in an attempt to stop them from drifting apart. Tonya had to resolve that Ryan is who he is; a person that believes things will eventually work themselves out. Ryan wasn’t a rescuer; not even off their marriage. Before she could stop Tonya was wondering what Marcus would have done in the same situation. She wondered how many days would have passed before he would have sent flowers or left a card on the pillow. One day, two at the most. Marcus was a rescuer.

Tonya felt herself drifting into more thoughts of Marcus. She knew that wasn’t good; not right then. She looked at Ryan.

“I love you, Ryan.” She said, not to convince herself, but to steer herself back from the thoughts that had detoured her.

“I love you, too, baby. And I love you, my little princess.” Ryan touched Stacey on the cheek.

“Enough to play a game with me, tonight?”

“Of course, princess.” Ryan looked at Tonya and smiled.

“I’ll clean up here in the kitchen. You two go and play your game. I’ll play with you later, Mr. Fulmont.”

Ryan’s smile got bigger.

“Let’s go kiddo.” He and Stacey left the kitchen and Tonya was left alone. Marcus tried to make his way back into her mind, but Tonya busied herself thinking of spending time with Ryan. She felt the best thing to do would be to put his trip out of her mind and do what she would have done had he come home just to make things better. She thought of how they would spend the rest of the night after he finished his game with Stacey. If Stacey was her usual persistent self, she had time to clean the kitchen, take a shower, and wait enticingly for Ryan.

After her shower, Tonya read a book while waiting for Ryan.  He came out of their bathroom and turned of the lights except for the lamp on the Tonya’s side of the bed. He sat on the bed, placed his hand on her hip, leaned forward and kissed her. Tonya closed her book and put her arms around him. Ryan’s hand slid down her leg until it no longer touch her nightgown, but slid across her soft skin. Tonya kissed Ryan harder and pulled him towards her Ryan moved until he was on the bed beside her, but Tonya could tell that he was still supporting himself like someone doing half a push-up. Tonya’s hands moved over Ryan’s shoulders and down his arms. She could felt the dimple and firmness of his triceps. She moved one hand down to his and moved it to her body. It occurred to Tonya that she had moved Ryan’s hand to the place she was imaging Marcus would took her. Tonya wrapped her arms around Ryan and pushed Marcus outside.

Tonya was standing before the mirror getting ready for work. She could see Ryan coming behind her. He put his arms around her and swayed as he pulled her closer. She noticed that he had something in his hands. Ryan kissed her on the cheek and said

“These are for you and Stacey.”

“What are they?”

“What do they look like? They’re airplane tickets.”

“Ryan, I don’t want to come to any ballgame.”

“They are not to a ballgame. Look at them.”

Tonya did.

“Ryan, these are for Raleigh. What have you done?”

“These are for you and Stacey to go Raleigh this weekend. We’ve been here in Chicago almost two months. I know you miss your family. So, you’re going to get Stacey out of school early Friday and the two of you are going to visit your folks. You’ll be back Sunday night.”

“Ryan” Tonya said, drawing out his name so that it sounded like she was whining.

“Ryan” Ryan drew out his name mocking Tonya.

“Wait until I tell Stacey.”

“She already knows. She got really excited, but I made her promise not to tell. I was going to tell you when I came into the bedroom, but you, um, let’s just say you had a brother distracted.”

“Thank you, Ryan. When I go today I’ll let them know I definitely have to leave early Friday. I wish you could go with us.”

“Next time.”

Tonya gave Ryan a long hug and told him she loved him. Ryan said a long good-bye to Stacey, who promised she would be good. Tonya went to work full of excitement and she did tell her boss she would be leaving early on Friday. She wasn’t fully aware of how excited she was until she realized she hadn’t checked her email. That thought, of course, lead to thinking about whether she should tell him she was coming to Raleigh. She thought that perhaps it would not be a good idea if Marcus knew she was coming. She was sure he would want to see her and that, she thought, definitely may not be a good idea. She decided she wouldn’t tell him and that she might, might being the operative word; tell she is there at some point during the weekend. Tonya logged into her email to receive her good morning from Marcus.

Good morning. How are you? I woke up thinking about you. I’m thinking about how I used to wake up and how I used to begin my date. I used to wake up longing for a connection, hoping that day would be the day I would find that connection; that thing that make me feel apart of the rest of the world. I couldn’t help it, but I was searching even when I didn’t want to search.

But now I wake every morning knowing that I am loved. I start my day with the knowledge that somewhere in the world there is a woman that loves me like I love her; a woman I can give all that I have inside to. I am so glad. I’m so very glad that I have you in my life. Don’t even forget how much I truly care about you.

Sometimes I close my eyes and loose myself in my thoughts of you. I know it seems silly, but when I do that, it’s like I can transport myself to wherever you are. You could be at the edge of our galaxy and my thoughts could still carry me to you. Close my eyes and I see your smile. Close my eyes and I see into yours. Close my eyes and I touch you. Close my eyes and I feel your touch.

 

After reading the email, Tonya was sure she would see Marcus when she got to Raleigh. She knew she would have to find a way to get to him, but she couldn’t imagine coming so close and not seeing him. She couldn’t wait until Friday.  When she responded to that morning’s email, she could think of nothing else to say other than hello. She wanted to tell Marcus, but felt she had to keep her trip home a secret.

Wednesday Marcus drove home from bible study thinking how much he loved teaching. About a third of those members that attended worship service regularly also attend bible study. Wednesday night had been especially interesting because Marcus taught about faith; a subject almost everyone had knowledge or an opinion of. Some of the members saw faith as hoping to be lucky or have fate smile on you. Many others could quote the classic definition - faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. What was missing for most of them was an everyday working definition. Marcus told that faith was that part of their fellowship with God that assures us that not only is he real, not only are his promises kept, but also that the unseen impossibilities are real. Faith is our proof. Marcus told them that faith should dominate their lives. Why do you live like tomorrow will be better? You faith is proof that it will be. Why do you live like you will be healed? Your faith is proof that you will be. Faith is living in the unseen reality that God is truly God.

Marcus took a moment to question the work of faith in his life. He evaluated just how faithful he was. Marcus asked himself whether or not he truly was a man of faith. He quickly told himself that he wouldn’t be a pastor if he wasn’t a man of faith. Then he asked himself if that was true. If he really was a man of faith, how did he explain his relationship with Tonya? Would a man truly of faith have with a married woman the type of relationship he had with Tonya?  Marcus told himself that what was going on between him and Tonya was a special circumstance. He didn’t imagine most preachers or pastors discovered they had only loved one particular woman all their lives after she had gotten married and years had passed. He imagined most had found their true love and married her. And if any were in a relationship with a married woman or a woman other than their wives, he imagined that the woman was not one they had a history with. It was more than likely someone they recently developed feelings for. Marcus told himself that the question was what would a real man of faith do in the UNIQUE situation in which he found himself.

Marcus went over in his mind the unique situation he was in. He was a divorced newly appointed pastor who had spent most of his life longing and searching. He had recently discovered that what he was longing for was to tell Tonya how he felt about her; to express the love he had been suppressing. The only catch was she was married. Marcus asked himself what that really meant. Did it mean he couldn’t or shouldn’t tell her how he felt? Was that wrong? If it was wrong, then it meant it was right for him to have to suppress it; have it tear him up inside. He asked himself if that was meant to be. Was it meant for him to such unrest inside of him? If it was meant to be that way, then maybe it was wrong for him to try to quiet the storm. Marcus couldn’t grasp that as reality. His faith wouldn’t let him. When he got home he wrote to Tonya.

Dear Tonya,

            I was just thinking about you; wondering what you are up to. I hope everything is going well for you. I hope you’re smiling and laughing. It’s funny the thoughts that go through my mind. I mean I think about the limitations of our relationship and I feel sad. Then I think that there is a chance you could have all the joy that I wish for you and I feel happy. Even though there are things I can’t give you, I still want you to have them. I don’t want you to only laugh when you’re with me. I don’t want you to smile only when you’re with me. I want you to a heart that is always bursting with joy and happiness. I want you to be an expert on pleasure. I find myself praying for you; your family; and even your marriage. I know that sounds strange and you may even wonder why. The why is simple. I love you and I want you to be happy regardless of your relationship with me. Don’t get me wrong. I want you, but not at the cost of your well being.

When ever I think about wanting you, it places so much of my life in perspective. You may find this hard to believe, but I have a list of things I would not take any amount of money for – the health of my family, my relationship with God, my health, my eyesight. You are on that list. Given the choice of having you or having all the money in the world, I would take you without reservation or hesitation. I truly love you.

 

Marcus sent the email and when to bed. He fell asleep and dreamed.

Marcus woke up because he heard someone talking. He walked out of his bedroom and realized that the sound was coming from downstairs, maybe the living room. As he headed down the stairs he realized he was right. The voice he heard was the television in the living room. When he entered the room, he was surprised to find Tonya sitting on the couch under a blanket.  The room smelt warm; like a fireplace, but the fireplace had no fire in it. Tonya was dressed in grey sweats and had on what had to be the world’s fuzziest slippers. The next think Marcus knew he was cuddled under the blanket with Tonya. You Got Mail was playing on the television and Meg Ryan looked just like Tonya.

Tonya turned and kissed him. First softly and gently, then she kissed him passionately. Marcus held her tight, and then allowed his hands to move to her hips and across her curves. The blanket that covered them disappeared. Marcus raised himself and looked at Tonya, She was radiant as if rays from a private sun rained on her. Marcus began taking off Tonya’s sweats and she helped him. He looked down at her in nothing but underwear. He leaned forward and kissed her stomach. Tonya caressed his head and held the back of his neck. Marcus kissed her navel and began tracing the line from her navel to her cleavage with his tongue. She tasted like strawberries and chocolate.

Marcus woke up again. He was holding his pillow.

“Damn” he said softly to himself.