Tonya was determined to leave work on time. Just before she packed up her things for the day, she sent Marcus an email. She wanted to explain what had happened earlier. After sending the email, she rushed out the door before anyone could commandeer a few more hours of her time. She wanted to get home to Ryan and Stacey. They hadn’t seemed like much of a family lately. Tonya was stressed out when she got home, which meant she wasn’t as patient with Stacey as she should be. By the time Ryan got home, both she and Stacey were on short fuses. Depending on the day he had, Ryan didn’t notice, didn’t care, or didn’t have the energy to complain. Everyone went to their corner and honored an unspoken ceasefire.

Tonya had already retreated to her corner when Ryan got home. She sat in the living room by the window thumbing through a magazine. Ryan came through the door already engaged in the evening courtship with his cell phone. He noticed Tonya sitting in the living room and said hello as if he was surprised she was home. Tonya said hello and turned the page of her magazine with enough force a gush of air moved her hair. She closed the magazine in frustration, and then, realizing that she was frustrated, wondered why. It occurred to her that her frustration was due not only to the current condition of life at home and at work, but also because her husband, who she believed should fix everything, was unable to do anything to change the funk they were in. She was frustrated because Ryan seemed content in allowing the atmosphere to grow heavy with tension and discontent; the discontent being mostly hers. She knew she wasn’t upset with Ryan for not doing something he was capable of doing. She was upset because she knew Ryan was incapable of the emotional maneuvers it would take to get them back on track. Ryan’s philosophy seemed to be that emotional matters fixed themselves. She knew he wasn’t going to come home one day and say let’s talk. He was going to come home one day without his cell phone stuck to his ear and act like nothing had happen. He would expect her to act the same. She would, too. That frustrated her also. Tonya was frustrated with herself because she didn’t do anything to change their present course. Then again, she realized she seldom, if ever, did anything about the course they took, especially emotionally. She was a responder; a receiver of others’ trends and tendencies when it came to emotions. Her marriage was what Ryan’s emotions said it would be.

Tonya discovered that she was the same way with Marcus. They relationship was what Marcus’ emotions said it would be. She relied on both Ryan and Marcus to create the emotional environment. She realized she didn’t want to be responsible. She couldn’t control how they would respond to her emotional setup, but she could control how she responded to theirs. Her disappointment was limited if she accepted Ryan’s emotional setup and responded to it. However, if she allowed her emotions to be the construct of their relationship, then her deepest desires would live as expectations and her disappointment would be much greater when Ryan let her down emotionally. The same was true with Marcus. It was true she held back expressing her feelings because of their situation. Still, it was a convenient choice to make. It gave her a valid reason to allow Marcus to dictate the emotions of their relationship. Both Marcus and Ryan had to champion their emotional cause. They were responsible. It was their duty, not hers.

The emails Marcus and Tonya shared the rest of the week healed the wounds and scratches they had suffered earlier in the week. They joked with and encouraged each other. At times they interviewed each other and the questions were more than inquiring about favorite colors. They invented a game called No Consequences in which that would allow each other to ask and answer questions without there being any consequence to the answers. After testing the waters, Tonya asked

“What do you like?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know. What do you like?”

“Oh, when it comes to that, huh? I like everything.”

“Nobody likes everything.”

“That’s easy for you to say. I’m an unmarried Baptist pastor who isn’t getting any. Right now I like everything.” They both laughed.

“Seriously. Answer the question. No consequences, remember.”

“Hmm. I like touching and exploring; finding as much pleasure in as many places as possible. Of course, I like the typical things you would expect a man to like. I have a philosophy about it – if you give good, you can get good.”

“Is that right?”

“It works for me. What do you like?”

“Let’s just say that I am very sensitive to touching.”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm what?”

“Let’s change the subject.”

“No. No consequences. Hmm what?”

“Some times I think about touching you”

“I bet.”

“Every now and then, I think about how your skin must feel and how soft you must be. I wonder are you softer in some areas than others.”

“I see”

“I must admit that I have thought a lot about pleasing you. I am not talking about having sex with you. I am talking about taking the time to know your body, what you like and don’t like, and what gives you the greatest pleasure.”

“Do you want to make love to me?”

“That is a complicated question.”

“There is nothing complicated about it. Yes or no.”

“You asked do I want to. The answer is, of course, yes. But I don’t believe I would.”

“So you’re saying that if came to North Carolina and asked you to meet me somewhere you wouldn’t do it, even if I threw myself on you?”

“I hope that I wouldn’t.”

“Deg! Am I that unattractive?”

“No, that’s not it. It’s just that in our current situations, if we sleep together it would change everything. The beauty and challenge of what we share is keeping it on a level where it is not adulterated. If we sleep together, it because nothing more than an affair. Is that what you want?”

“No.”

“If I make love to you, I don’t want the limitations of time and opportunity. I want it to be an experience done in freedom. Besides, sneaking a couple of hours wouldn’t be long enough anyway.”

“Oh, it wouldn’t?”

“No, it wouldn’t.”

“Ah, go ahead, Superman.”

“It’s not like that, Wonder Woman.”

“You better be careful with that cape.”

“And you better be careful where you park your plane.”

In Chicago and Raleigh, they laughed together. Friday afternoon Tonya called Marcus.

“Hello.”

“Hello, Marcus”

“Hello, Wonder Woman.”

“I see you’re still a comedian, Superman.”

“Well, you know I can’t be a super hero for ever. I have to have something to fall back on. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing fine. I called because I wanted to think you for the last few days. I was really in a dark place, but you took me somewhere else. I really appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome. It was my pleasure to make the journey with you. I’m glad I was there for you.”

“You were. You really were.”

“I know there will be times when you can’t tell me what you’re going through, but I want you to know you have a friend that will stand beside you even if it means standing in the rain. I am always here for you.”

“Thanks, Marcus. You are such a good friend. Well, I’m getting ready to go home. What do you have planned for the weekend?”

“Nothing, but the usual. You?”

“The same. Have a good one.”

“You, too.”

Marcus hung up. He wished that the usual meant spending time with Tonya. He wondered what an ordinary day would be like with her. What was she like when she was cleaning how, or watching television, or doing nothing? He was wondering what life was like with Tonya. What was it like to discuss paying bills or planning vacation with her?  He wondered which of his quirks or mannerism would simple get on her nerve. What about her would drive her crazy? He wondered if she was a morning person or if she loved to sleep. Marcus started laughing out loud. He wondered if he could wake her up in the middle of the night. Hmm, probably not. He realized, almost sadly, that there was a whole world of experiences they would never share; things about each other they would never know. There were simple things, complex things, big things, and little things that he would only be able to wonder about. One thing in particular Marcus wished he would one day know. If he could wish for one thing, he knew exactly what it would be. He wanted to know the joy and splendor of holding the woman he loved with all his heart in his arms one time. It was hard for him to imagine that he never would. He believed that Tonya would not want to ever let that happen, but still he could not imagine going the rest of his life with so much love for her and never embracing her; never feeling her next to him. It seemed unfair to Marcus for him to be capable of loving her so and never know what it is like to place his hand in the small of her back and pull her close; never to feel her hands on his arms and shoulders. He could close his eyes and imagine standing behind her, taking her hands in his, wrapping his and her arms around her together. He could imagine them rocking gentle to the some rhythm they heard deep in their souls. It was hard; no, it was impossible for Marcus to believe that it would never happen. It had become a matter of faith for him. He had faith that one day he would stand with Tonya in his arms. If faith was the evidence of things hoped for, the substance of things unseen, then somewhere in time there existed a day; a special day when the love they shared would stretch before them like an endless plan. On that day Tonya would be in his arms.

Sunday morning Marcus sat in his study eager to get worship service under way. He came out of his study and saw Jason headed for one of the rest rooms. He could have been wrong, but Marcus thought that Jason saw him, but sped up to keep from speaking. Maybe he was just in a hurry to get to the restroom. Marcus greeted and prayed with the choir and service began.

In every aspect of his life, Marcus thought of Tonya except when it came to his duties at the church. When it came to that, he had incredible tunnel vision. He was very focus on what he should be doing as pastor and what should go on in the church. It is because of that focus that Marcus was surprised that he kept noticing the Back Pew Boys. I didn’t know what it was about them that constantly caught his attention, but he took note that Jason did not seem like the lively young man that had left his office just a few days ago. Marcus knew he had to get to the bottom of what was going on, but right now he had to lead God’s people in worship.

Marcus gave the benediction from the rear of the church and greeted worshippers as they left the sanctuary. He walked outside and stood on the sideway to continue greeting and chatting with people. It was a beautiful summer day and as he looked around he thought how classic things looked. There were women in bright dresses and large hats; men in standard black, blue, and brown suits; teenagers huddled in private meetings; and smaller kids running despite their parents objections. If a picture could only paint a thousand words, then it could in no way capture the life swirling around him.

A woman, who may have been a year or two, younger than Marcus, came up to greet him. She said that she was new to the area and enjoyed service. Marcus invited her back and offered other niceties. His mother took note of the exchange said to herself that this was her opportunity. She walked with ten feet of Marcus and stood waiting for her chance. When no one else came up to speak to Marcus, she started.

“Marcus, I know that woman I saw you talking to is not the woman you’re messing with.”

“Mom, that’s not the woman.” Marcus said in frustration. He then realized what had happened. He had been denying that there was anyone he was talking to or interested in. His mother was wiser than him, to say the least.

“Ah ha! So there is a woman. You can’t fool me. Who is she, Mark?”

“Mom, please. I’m trying to talk to people. You’re over here letting your imagination run wild.”

Son, if you’re seeing someone and can’t tell me who it is, it makes me think something is wrong.”

Marcus saw Jason. He wanted to speak to him. He gave his mother a kiss on the forehead.

“Well, mom, stop worrying. There is nothing wrong. I got to go.”

Marcus rushed off before his mother could respond. Jason was standing with the rest of the gang. The other boys spoke when Marcus reached them, then they turned and walked away except Jason. Marcus was smiling but his smile melting in concern.

“Hi, Jason. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing alright, Pastor. You know, doing what I have to do.” His tone was strange; almost defiant.

“Did you undo what you said you do?” Mark asked, trying to regain his smile.

“Nah. I don’t think that is going to happen.”

“Why? What happened?”

“It’s all good.” Jason turned and walked away. Marcus stood stunned. After about 6 steps, Jason turned and said

“Something can’t be undone, huh, Pastor?”.

Marcus watched as Jason catch up with the other boys. The boy, whom Marcus didn’t know, looked back at Marcus and smiled. Marcus didn’t know what was going on, but he was sure he didn’t like it, especially if those kids thought they were going to do in his church right under his nose.