If you're getting this e-mail, it means you made the mistake of entering your e-mail address on a submission to the Mediocre Assembly of Mediocre Athletes website. If you don't want to receive mediocre e-mail periodically, just send a reply and I'll take you off the list.

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THE VOTES ARE IN!!!

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Voting has completed for the 1997 Twins' Most Mediocre Player (MMP). With this year's team being one of the worst in Twins' history, the competition was extremely tough. If you noticed a degredation in the internet performance over the past month, its probably due to the fact that an estimated* 15 MILLION** Minnesotans logged on to register a vote for this contest. Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties only a small fraction of a percentage*** of these votes were successfully delivered to MAMA.

(* - Estimates calculated by 3 college fraternity members and their dog "Beer-Nuts" on a Saturday evening. Accuracy +/- 99.99999%.)

(** - This figure blows away the data from the previous government census! MAMA will report these figures to government agencies so they can update their records.)

(*** - 5)

And the winner is.........

MARTY CORDOVA!!!!!

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Help MAMA solve the stadium funding issue!

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With the debate currently raging over the new stadium issue, its only fitting that MAMA flexes its political muscle and solves this mess. Here's how $110 million can be raised without raising taxes or infringing on the Native American's God-given right to land, liberty, and exclusive rights to gaming casinos:

1) Kevin Garnett. Name the new ballpark "Garnett Stadium" in exchange for a $100 million from Kevin. Kevin would have to scrape by on $20 million over 6 years, but how much money can you spend in Mauldin, S.C. anyway?

2) Cigarette tax revenues. I know - you're saying "That's a tax increase!". No - MAMA doesn't endorse raising taxes, but just think of the additional revenues we can make by allowing smoking in our new open-air ballpark! Let's see, if the Twins draw 2 million a year, and just 30% smoke a pack of cigarettes during each game, that's an extra 600,000 packs of cigarettes a season! I don't know exactly how much money the state makes on each pack, but over a 30 year lease this should be good for at least $10 million.

Certainly, with all of the MAMA-intellectuals out there we can come up with the extra $240 million. Submit your ideas from the MAMA web site at:

http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/Loge/5970/stadium.html

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MAMA Tribute to the Metrodome!

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Throughout this new stadium debate the Metrodome has been getting more than its fair-share of abuse. It seems only fitting that MAMA should offer a tribute to this Monument of Mediocrity. Help us out by voting for the most mediocre feature of the dome. Submit your vote at:

http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/Loge/5970/dome.html

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Thanks for your support, and keep those ideas and suggestions rolling in!

- Mark Salzwedel

President, MAMA